This past week my love of reading has returned. I use to love reading but when Ty died so did my love for it. I did read after Ty died but all I read were stories of infant loss. I couldn't bring myself to read anything else. As much as I loved it before, I couldn't do it. While pregnant with Bee, I felt the urge to read but I didn't want to read anything with sustenance so for months I read Goosebumps. Books I loved as a child and have collected for Bee.
When Bee was born, my urge was to read to her so for the last two years it has been kids books (which I do love, which is why I sell them). But this past month there have been some changes in me, some parts of my old self coming back out and one of those is starting to read again. It's so intense that I read for hours on end. I finish books within days of starting them because I can't put them down. Reading now is not the same as before though.
When I use to read, my mind was very connected with the book. I could clearly picture and let myself be taken into the book. I could imagine what it looked like and loved being taken away. Reading lately, I have not been able to connect. I am very aware of what is going on and could recap the books for you but I'm not in them like I use to. I can't be taken in. My counselor said it was my PTSD brain, it does not allow me to connect and I get it. I still love reading again and I've been reading books that have movies (given the books are always better than the movies) but it's a gateway to help me bring back the imagination, to help me re-connect with not only loving reading, but being taken away by it.
I want Bee to love reading as much as I did. I want her to be that kid who goes to bed at 8 but stays up until 10 with a flashlight and a good book. I want myself to be that kid again and for the last week I have been. It's been a great feeling. Not sitting and watching endless amount of tv is good for my soul. It is allowing me to re-connect with the world. I feel more motivated to do things, I feel calmer and more peaceful (even though some of the books are difficult subjects) There all books I read many moons ago, ones I knew I loved and kept for a reason. I figure it is a good place for me to remerge into the reading world and maybe one day I will be taken away by them like I have been in the past.