Rolling along in life, feeling pretty confident you finally have some of your shit together and then WHAM, that little bastard grief sneaks up on you and hits you like a ton of bricks. It's no surprise, it's that time of year between Jacobs death and Tys death in which I am an emotional ball of sobbing buckets. In all fairness, I give myself some credit because this year it only hit recently, I made it all the way to September 10th without falling apart. In the past it would have started mid-August so that's a silver lining. However, I forgot how hard grief can hit and how heavy the sadness can be. I forgot how heavy the sadness is to carry. It's been 6 and 7 years, those numbers still seem so fresh. All the memories seem so fresh. The weather, the weather I love so much just brings me back to those days.
Walking, it was my solitude after Ty died. I walked so many miles (or kilometers) I just use to walk. The warm sun, the cool autumn breeze, the weather of now. I still love it but it's a hard and heavy feeling. On Bees first day of school I cried, not as much as I thought I would but I took the day and did what I needed to, allowing myself to cry when I felt like it. It was nice. I struggled seeing all the moms there with their pregnant bellies, all I could think was, that should be me. Bee should be the excited older sister that her new sibling would be born soon instead of talking about all her dead siblings. Like fuck, seriously, how in the world can this be my life? My poor girl who just wants a sibling and can't seem to get one. And of course everyone else and their sister is getting pregnant and it's so hard to read all the happy announcements when I am wallowing in grief over here, not understanding why it is so damn hard for my body to just have one more living, healthy child.
Add on life lately has been a shit show of everything. Brief summary, we got pregnant, I had a miscarriage, relationship issues came up that forced me to realize I needed to be able to support Bee and I and also take care of myself. I'll stop there for a moment because that issues in itself, I think is proving to actually be beneficial and I'll tell you why. I work, I got a job, something that wasn't even on my mind a few months ago, but getting a job and working has allowed me to see old parts of me and discover new My memory is a gong show so I have to learn to work with that, but I see strengths in my work and it's nice to be around other adults talking about something other than fucking Paw Patrol for the 100 millionth time! I also made the decision to get active and healthy and get this body of mine into some form of shape. I've been going to the gym, which is huge for me since gyms give me major anxiety, but I like my small town gym. It's supportive and I have a coach to help me plan. I've also been going on hikes and taking Bee, she complains a bit but I think over time she will learn to love it to, as long as we keep seeing wild turkeys and snakes (she's a lot more fearless than me). We've been spending healthy time together, active time together and it's been nice. We've also been eating somewhat healthier. My hope is that this change in my body also helps a change in my mind.
If not, I am scheduled to start counseling again, which always helps me. So yeah, back to brief summary, I had to make some pretty big life changing decisions in a matter of a few weeks and keep my shit together well enough to get through it all. I'm still here so I take that as a good sign. Of course the grief is hitting really hard right now as it always will this time of year. I know it always will and I know it will be heavy and seem life a burden to carry myself but I hurt, I cry because I loved and there is no greater sadness than love because in the end, we all lose someone we love. Tis better to have loved than....not loved I think thats the saying. I know my feelings right now are valid and justified. I know my moods are justified, I know my cravings for junk food and comfort food are justified. But I feel because I work and now Bee is in school, I feel I'm better prepared to handle it.
It still feels heavy as hell and my eyes some days are so weepy I can barely see. I know it's a process, I know they will always feel heavy between September 5th and October 15th. That's a given I can count on, I've also learned that I can't figure life out, things will always come my way. I've been thrown a lot since April and I'm still here so I think I'll be okay. I will take all this shit life is trying to throw me to get me down and I will work with it. I will make it work for me and work for me and Bee. She is afterall, my motivation to do and continue to do. I do it for her,I work for her, I work to pay for her horse riding lessons because the girl is so set on taking some and that shit is expensive but I want her to have at least one summer of that experience if she truly wants it. I want to give her the world because she has given me mine back. But oh man, the grief the last few days, wow, I feel like that giant guy in GOT, he just looks like he is so burdened with heaviness and sadness and trudges through life. Albeit, I wouldn't say we trudged through the 6 1/2 hour 14km hike yesterday. We nailed that one.
Life right now is unknown. There are many big life changing events sitting in the side wings waiting to make their appearance and be "figured" out, or at least discussed. I have no idea what the future holds, no one ever really does. I just know my track record isn't the greatest but I'm paving my own path to deal with that. I'm finally starting to have a say in the way my future turns out and as exhausting as it is, it's honestly kind of nice. Work and working out I think have both been good for me and though I still struggle with the whole I'm back at work, time will get me there. I will learn my own way and find what works for me but at least I have that. At least I am slowly on the path to my own future with Bee by myside, or riding a head on her horse. I'll be carrying the heavy bag of grief and sadness September through October but I'll still be moving a foot a head each day, no matter how heavy it gets. No matter hoe hard the burden of grief seems, on we trudge. Or gallop, or trot or canter, all words I did not know until recently. Oh to be 4 again!
P.S. School anxiety is a whole new level!