Gone are the days of pre-parenting parenting. What do I mean by that? You know how you dream of what parenting will look like for you, the perfect children who use their manners, go to bed quietly when told, always listen, always help without complaining, pick up after themselves....etc...yeah that shit that isn't real. Given, there are aspects of that and most children do poses some of those qualities but sometimes no matter how hard a parent tries (and I will remind you, in this day and age) there are days when I have been kicked, punched, pinched and bit more than someone fighting Mike Tyson. Those days where I go to bed in pain, literal pain. Those days where I cry because I do not know how to help her through her moment other than to remind her that I am there, that I love her, that she can have as many hugs as she needs, that she can talk to me about anything, that she can feel all her tiny emotions as much as she wants but she may not hurt me. Even after all the kicks, punches, pinches and bites (which is very new) I still keep my shit together for her sake. I do it because I love her and in those moments, she needs to know that. She needs to know that it is okay to have all these feelings but she does need to learn that not all behaviours are okay. We'll get there, we are working on it slowly.
Behaviours changed according to what definition though? As a parent this is a tough one. I don't want to raise my child to conform to the definitions society puts in place (I mean to an extent yes, some are very valid) but when do I draw the line between letting my girl be her true self and telling her it's not okay to behave like that because it bothers other people or makes them uncomfortable. I've had a very tough time with this week with some things coming up and I feel shitty. I feel like a big piece of shit, add on top that we are no longer bribing, a big one, a huge change, but it serves no purpose to us or her. It only helps temporarily and not in the long run. I see it now. It has to change. But that adds to the mess of emotions and stress and patience and shit bag feelings of the week. I don't know why more mothers don't talk about how hard it is to be a mother. It's a zoo some days, literally, there could be weird screams, poop flying everywhere, the trainer could get their hand bitten off or peed on, a zoo. It's not easy, it's exhausting, it's painful (there is a reason I take care of my body, in defense of the boxer I apparently live with) it can be hell some days, it truly can. Even after loss, even after all we have been through, I still struggle some days being a mom because this parenting stuff is not for the faint of heart.
But through it all I can also say it is 100% ABSOLUTELY worth it. Yes I may have blood dripped from my cheek and a bruise on my leg from tonights bedtime battle but I'll do it tomorrow night and every night after if I have to (please dear god child learn to go to sleep a bit easier though) but I will do it because I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I understand she is tiny and has huge emotions she doesnt know how to deal with (add on exhaustion and well, gong show now) but it is my job to help her through, to teach her what to do with those emotions, to work with her to figure out ways to safely express them. She needs to let go as we all do, just in more acceptable ways, not beating me up. I get why some moms drink wine or stiff drinks after their children go to bed. I don't drink but if I did, I'm sure I would be one some days.
I will keep on keeping on for her. I will keep getting poked with needles so my body flow can be even and able to deal with the life that is parenting an almost 4 year old. I will keep my shit together most days and in most moments (no one is perfect, everyone yells at their kids at some point, it's life, it's the truth, just repair it in the moment and move on) but I will try for her and for me. It's a challenge this parenting thing. My dream of the parent I would be and where I actually am are opposite. There are bits of each woven together, but you don't really know until you are on the battle ground that is parenting. You live and learn everyday. You get hurt physically and emotionally. You are left bleeding, maybe some mild concussions (it happens to more than are willing to say) maybe drowning yourself in wine or chocolate after everyone is in bed because dammit, you deserve it. You deserve an award every single day for making it through as a parent. But I know, you all know it is worth it and you'll wake up everyday to do it again because the love you have for your children. Parenting is a sh*t show but in the end, worth every single second, every battle, every night crying yourself to sleep, every day feeling like the biggest failure and biggest piece of shit parent known to the human world. Love for your child is like no other. Nothing is greater than love and love will carry you through. Until you can at least get a break, grab the passport and head over the border for a day of shopping at Target, I swear Target is every moms dream get away (damn you for leaving Canada). You've got this shit show mama, stand proud! I'll go cry myself to sleep now, but you got this!!!