Going through pictures from my past has me reflecting on my life prior to my loss. I will admit, it's hard. There are tears. Sometimes the tears are from laughter at how ridiculous some of my friends and I were. Sometimes the tears are of sadness for the people who are no longer with us. Sometimes the tears are of heartache, seeing that happy innocent young woman, so blissfully unaware of the gut wrenching trials of life. Sometimes the tears are from good memories. It's emotional, though I'm sure looking at pictures from your past would be emotional too. Pictures hold stories, they hold memories, good or bad, they are there. The tell about a life that once was and reflecting on that can be difficult.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the blissfully unaware young woman. Sometimes I wish I didn't know the kind of gut wrenching trials of life that I do. Sometimes I wish I just didn't have to fight everyday, somedays just to get out of bed. I wish I could not feel these feelings, I wish I didn't know about these deep dark feelings. I wish I could feel the happy, the unaware, the ignorance I once held. It is something I will never get back. No matter how well counseling helps, no matter how in control of my ptsd I get, I will never get my innocence back.
I think about the young woman in those photos. She had dreams, she had hopes, she had motivation and a drive to get ahead in life. She had plans to get married, have a family, buy a house and live happily ever after. But oh, oh my, how life threw her a curve ball. Actually it's more like life jumped on a speeding out of control train and ran over her, knocked her over and it's been hell trying to get back up.
Even seeing pictures of Stephen and I in the beginning of our relationship is hard. I look at those two young, naïve mid-20's kids and think, if they only knew. I think about how our relationship was and how much it has changed. I think about our struggles then compared to our struggles now. I think about our adventures then compared to our lack of now. I think about all we did, all the road trips, all the concerts and realize how much loss has changed our relationship. Sometimes not for the better. But we are stronger. Individually and as Bee's parents. We are a team of two and though those pictures may show two completely different people, we've worked through life together. We have new pictures, we are making new memories, we are handling life as it throws us more curve balls. It's not easy but past pictures prove resilience, they prove strength and now, when I look at current pictures I can see that.
Past pictures may bring tears, but so do current pictures. Happiness at the miracle I have and am blessed to call my daughter. Happiness I never thought I would feel again. A love so deep, I never imagined it could have existed. Life and all it has thrown me and continues to throw me, I am creating new memories and can only wonder, when looking back on these pictures, what kinds of tears I will have.