Some days it's so hard, so very hard. Some days it's very evident. It strikes me, it kills me, it makes me mad at the world. It's been more evident lately and hard for me to watch. I don't know what it is, perhaps it's her age, but when Stephen and I go out to do family things, Bee seems to freak out. She usually screams and throws a tantrum. We've been pretty lucky to get her to settle down quickly but I just don't know. I feel like a failure as a parent, is my daughter sensitive to too much commotion? Can she not handle lots of people and lots of things going on? Does she get over stimulated....but then I see it. I see her run towards the big kids, she wants to play and interact with the older kids and it breaks my fucking heart. All she wants is someone to play with, it's something I see at home all the time. She has no one but me and when I'm trying to get dinner ready, it's hard to entertain her and I shouldn't have too. There should be two older brothers running around and chasing her. Instead of her grabbing at my for my attention, she should be grabbing at her brothers. Instead of running away from us at the apple orchard, she would be following her big brothers. Life is not always fair, sometimes it sucks, it fucking sucks. Not only was I ripped apart, not only was my life ripped apart, not only did I have something taken away from me but she did too. Her life is vastly different than it should be. It's not fair for her either. She had a life ripped away from her as well and it's been so clearly evident the past few weeks.
Then there was the dream last night where I was looking at older picture of myself and thought how beautiful and happy I looked. In my dream, Ty and Jacob had died, just like in real life and I was comparing my pre-grief self to my post-grief self and thought how ugly and old I looked. In all honesty, the dream wasn't really a dream. I mean, yes I dreamed it but it's something I live with on a daily basis. I don't think some people understand how detrimental my self esteem has become. I do look at the pre-grief photos and I see a happy, young, beautiful woman. Then I look at pictures from my post-grief period and I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel old. Grief has significantly aged me and not so well. I see it in my eyes, the happiness is gone and even on days with Bee, when she has a hard time, I have a hard time. It makes me feel more like a failure and it makes me realize even more that not only did I get the shit stick to life, it's been handed to her as well, even before she was she, it was sent her way.
I wish she could be running through the backyard, tormenting her bigger brothers, like little sisters do. But, she isn't, not only because we don't have a backyard but because her brothers aren't here. I feel like I have to apologize to her over and over because her life is not going to be "normal". I think in the end, it will be far better for her but right now it's hard. It's hard for her and it's hard for me. I feel old, I feel aged, I feel ugly inside and out. Perhaps my feelings are more evident lately because I am beyond exhausted. Ever since Bee started daycare there has been illness. First it was Hand, Foot and Mouth. She then had 4 teeth come in (not related to daycare) and the next week was a cold and last week she threw up. I so thankfully caught this miserable cold and it's never just a cold for me, it always turns into an infection, it's like I can feel the bacteria setting up camp in my throat, my eyes and my nose! Yesterday was horrible, today was better and I'm glad to have found some medication to help with the symptoms, but I just wonder what this week will bring.
At least the 10lbs of apples we picked will be cooked into deliciousness. Even if Bee had a horrible time, I look forward to the caramel apple cheesecake that will ensue! Maybe one day it wont hurt as much and maybe one day, one of my greatest fears will be resolved. How do I teach my daughter to be strong, feel beautiful and resilient when I can't even do that myself. Surely I can't be the only baby loss mother who went from being incredibly independent and having high self esteem to a crumbling mess.....or am I?