I've been wanting to write but I haven't had the heart. I have been so overwhelmed I have had to cut every non-essential task out of my life. Life has been happening at a very quick pace lately and I'm just trying to hold on. A few weeks ago, an issue came up that made me realize I had to go back to work and soon. Work was not on my mind. It hasn't been for years and it wouldn't have for another year. Once Bee was in school the plan was to take some me time since I've really had none in 4 1/2 years but life, oh that life throws things your way that you do not expect.
I had to make plans, I had to figure out a way to support myself and of course Bee's dreams of going horse riding. I panicked and started applying for jobs. Last Sunday I worked my first shift. I work at a retirement resident and though it is so far from what I am use to (over 15 years office work) I looked forward to the opportunity to get back into doing something outside the house. It was uncomfortable but over the hours I started to realize, I'm still capable of doing a lot of what I did before. I had so many doubts and didn't think my previous experience would apply but it did. I started to realize how much I pick up and how quickly I learn (though the memory part is still a process) I started to realize that everything in life teaches you something. Though I am still very uncomfortable, I try to remind myself I am learning. My position is one I have no experience with and I will learn.
All night and all day I just keep thinking of Bee and it motivates me to push forward. I'm doing this for us. I say I'm mostly doing it for her but I also think there is a part that is for me. Life has thrown so many curve balls lately and I'm just trying to go with it. I am submitting the book proposal to any publisher I can find, I have one very interested but I want to make sure I partner with the right company to make sure the book does well and gets into the hands of people who need to read it. It will take time, it will take focus and that ontop of getting a job is why I had no choice but to close down my kids clothing business. My heart is in my book and that is the way I will go.
I don't know what other curve balls life has planned for me but if the last few weeks has shown anything it's that I act on what it gives me. I may do it in a panicked state filled with anxiety and being overwhelmed but I am going back to counseling and hope that continues to help me sort all of this new stuff out.
Of course, Bee also starts school and the emotions, oh man the emotions about that are hard. Add on Jacob's birth and death day and Ty's upcoming birthday.....life has been anything but easy. However, I find during the hardest times is when I have the most motivation. I've made about 6 weeks worth of meals in the last two days because I want to be better organized and prepared, especially when it comes to food. I still have more pre-made freezer to lunch meals to make but I will because I know getting things organized will help.
My job is only part time right now, actually casual so I'm still looking for a better opportunity but I'm going to learn everything I can and give it my all well there. It will also allow me to have some me time, some time to go through this house and get rid of a bunch of things and figure out the next step.
I've also started working out, I want to make sure I am healthy in body and mind. I met with a coach and set a plan and hopefully over the next couple of months my body will become more healthy and since they are so closely related, so will my mind. It's also nice to have something to look forward to, never thought I'd look forward to going to the gym but I love my small town gym, I don't feel as anxious there as bigger ones. I also love that I know all the staff and they are supportive.
At the end of the day, as long as I have put one foot forward, I'm calling it a win. Even if it is filled with doubt and anxiety, as long as I moving forward and making things happen, it is a win.