There are days I really struggle with this new normal. There are days I hate who I am and who I have become. Not necessarily my personality but all these god damn ptsd and anxiety feelings and thoughts. I hate it. Somedays I feel they rob me of life, 6 years ago I never had that. I didn't have these horribly uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. I was carefree, living life, sure I had some anxiety like any other person but life was okay. Somedays it's just too much and all I can do is cry and have a pity party for one. So many things affect my ptsd and anxiety that it's hard to deal with at times. I had a cold, I have allergies, both require steroid use, steroids increase anxiety, therefore it has been increased by something I kind of have to take unless I want to be curled up in a ball of snot and horrible pain for days.
EMDR can also increase anxiety and ptsd symptoms. We've been doing a lot of that lately as my time in the program is getting ready to end. I find the sessions in which I connect to a happy emotion (excitement, joy etc) the days after are horrible, I get so irritable, agitated and feel nothing other than that scary feeling. Days in which the sessions are dealing more with sadness and anger and regret, I feel more at peace and calm, It's amazing how it works like it but it kind of makes sense to me. It's almost like my brain wants to block the happy emotions, like it wants me to be miserable the rest of my life and then come the days where I'm just not living life like I really hope I can (one day).
As much as I have yet to admit to myself, this whole moving thing is killing me. Mentally I feel okay but my body is letting me know that this is huge. This is almost too much. Being displaced between the two places, clutter everywhere, it's a train wreck for me. I am learning to give up the fact that not everything will be done before we move in and I'm actually okay with that. I just want to move in and be home.
Speaking of home, we don't have stairs where we live so Bee isn't necessarily a pro at using them, though she's pretty good. At the new place there is a set of concrete stairs, the plan was to add rubber mats to them next week to avoid an accident. Bee beat us to it. She took a pretty bad tumble which just did my anxiety in. On the flip side, we got to check out the ER in the new town, nice people, in and out pretty quickly (though they did observe her for two hours) a horrible gash, bruise and a mild concussion later, it just added to everything. Of course, my mind also went to the, it's a sign, this house is cursed, it's going to be hell. Move, move far away. I've had reservations about moving every since we put an offer in. I have exhausted myself trying to use positive self talk and look for the good things about the transition. It's not been easy. I do it and try to connect, even for a few seconds, to a positive feeling. I try to notice, I try to be aware but somedays, I hate who I have become because I am unable to.
Need I mention anything media related right now either and in this day and age, it's almost impossible to avoid. How can life be so brutal? I always have people telling me that I could have it worse and yeah I could but that negates the fact that I'm still struggling and having a hard time. Just because other people have it worse does not mean I do not have my own demons, that I do not struggle, that I do not fear, worry and cry. I'm human, I have hard days, they may look different than other hard days but they are still hard and I still have to fight my own battles. Life is hard for so many, life is unfair for so many. We all struggle through. Most of us don't have it easy, most of us face adversities and challenges.
Some fight better than others, some give up, some struggle day in and day out.
It's all these little things that add up and lead me to sitting in Bee's room crying as she sleeps just watching her. Days and emotions like this cause me to feel really down. I sit and think of what would life look like without me. Then the sadness hits, I hold on to that emotion, I cling to it for my sanity. I connect to a strong emotion that isn't necessarily a "negative emotion" it's actually quite healthy and healing. But it makes me look at all I have to live for and strive to get back to what I use to be, as much as I possibly can. I know I won't be the same person, people change regardless of trauma but I wish more than anything to just have a few months where I am living the life I once envisioned and feeling it, truly being in the moment. It's the reason I take so many photos. Sometimes I have a very hard time connecting to emotions in the moments but if I take photos and look at them later, when my mind and body aren't so at war, I can connect with the feelings of those moments and hold on to those,
Nightmares have also bed happening. Nightmares were not this constant or normal "before". It's nothing in particular, no certain topic or anything, just scary dreams that take me a few hours to fall back asleep once I wake myself up. Oddly enough, my nightmare last night was about me not being able to wake myself up out of a bad dream and I had to go stay in a hospital so they could wake me up from the bad dream. It was a side effect of the ptsd, that is scary. Not being able to get wake up and get away from it. I didn't sleep the rest of the night.
I never choose this life, I would never wish it upon anyone. It can be hell somedays. Somedays I really do hate who I am, who I have become. Somedays I would give almost anything to take away the ptsd and anxiety, to have that carefree life back. Somedays I would spend millions of dollars on trying to find solutions to help, to control the harder days and lessen their impact.
This year has been really tough (I attribute it to the emdr) bringing up those memories and trying to piece them together, trying to connect, trying to regain some of me back, it's hard but at the end of the day, I hope it's worth it. I hope I can go out and have a day like today in which I am truly there with Bee, having a great day (and we did) I just couldnt connect with any feelings. I just felt negative and agitated and I don't want that. It was such a beautiful day and one day I wish I can feel it. I wish I could get that part of me back. The bad wouldn't be so bad if there was some good to even it out. It's days like today that make me really consider going back on medication for a little while. I just keep telling myself, time, give yourself time. Everything will sort itself out once you are home and organized and able to relax and not stress, it has to get better, it just has to or I'll be off to see my doc about some meds again. At least I know they work.