One thing I find I struggle with a lot is the before and after of trauma. Even more so is accepting that I will not be where I was before all my trauma, it is not possible. I use to be so care free, I was motivated, I worked hard, I was organized, I had endless amounts of energy. I usually had a smile, I was always willing to go above and beyond. I had dreams, I had goals. Now its a miracle if I can remember to do one thing in a day. I didn't even know today was Tuesday. I dropped Bee off at school, headed out to do a few things and didn't remember I was suppose to go to the boutique to mark down my items. I know exactly why that happened, Bee was sick Thursday with a severe ear infection, she had to miss swimming on Friday and Monday, which has been our routine for months now. That was enough to throw me off. Something so small but in my mind, it wasn't routine and it made me forget. Something that would have never happened pre-trauma.
If you has asked me 6 years ago if I had wanted to go back and re-live my teenage years, I would have hands down said no. I was happy where I was in life. Ask me the same question today and yes, please, send me back to happier, care free times! I think a lot about the past these days (emdr therapy does not help) but I think about how much I miss it. I miss the innocence of it. The joy, the being able to do things without horrible anxiety. I miss not having panic attacks and being afraid of so many things. I miss the friends and the support. I miss being able to go to my mom when I needed her (I still do, it's just hard when she lives 4 hours away in another country). I miss school. I miss learning. I miss knowing what I wanted to do and going for it.
So much of my past has been bubbling up the past few months. Emrd therapy is opening a lot of things up for me, not just Ty and Jacob's death but so many things. The other day I had a craving for ketchup chips and the only brand at the corner store was Old Dutch. I can't tell you the last time I had Old Dutch but as soon as I opened the bag and ate the first chip, I was brought back to my childhood, camping at the Pinery with my parents. My mind is starting to remember back then, it's starting to remember the good and bad times. IT's starting to remember details about events, the taste, touch, feel, smell of so many things. It's hard to deal with. I envy the old me. I'm jealous of the old me and accepting where I am today is really tough.
I lost so much of who I was when Ty and Jacob died. It's a constant struggle to live and learn about the new me. It's exhausting and with little support, it's hard. It's hard to accept the things that come along with the ptsd, I mean I stutter now, it's hard for me to form words as easily as I use to. The eye flashes, the insomnia, it's all an adjustment. The panic, anxiety and that wretched scared feeling. It makes me so damn uncomfortable and I have yet to figure out how to manage or cope with it. It angers me that I have to deal with it. Significant trauma has incredibly altered the way I function, the way I think. I just do not want to accept it.
Struggling to know oneself is an issue people without ptsd often have. Struggling to accept where you are is also another issue people without ptsd have. I know I am not alone in that matter. There's just more added levels with ptsd. There is so much negativity, its almost impossible to find the positive. Emotions become strong and strong negative emotions aren't great. I never use to have this problem so I'm just learning. I'm learning how to deal with it and hopefully get to a point where I can really cope well with everything.
I try so hard to hide most things from Bee. It's not that I don't think she should see it, I don't hide all the ugly because it is important for her to see it and see how I manage with it. I worry so much about her being anxious that I think I'm over compensating with teaching her not to be but reality is, she may be. In letting her see me struggle and work my way through it, it teacher her skills to handle anxious situations as well. She's seen me cry, she's seen me get frustrated, she's seen the way I deal with things which makes me work on them even harder because I want to set a good, healthy example. I don't hide it from her because not everything in life is lollipops and unicorns. She will see struggle but she will see hard work and triumph as well. But I still do worry.
A part of the defining one self I seem to be struggling with lately is being stuck, or the feeling of being stuck. I feel there isn't anywhere to go and if there is, it's going to take a long time to get there. It's also knowing that I've been very overwhelmed lately and have taken things slower (which then brings up the frustration of the fact that before my trauma, I'd kick ass and now I get my ass kicked). I know it's about little steps but when I feel I've been stuck for so long, it's hard to get those feet moving. Its hard to see accomplishments because everything is seen as negative. So while I may have done some great things lately, my mind thinks okay BUT blah blah blah. It's a true negative Nancy. Just feeling like that and the emdr opening up a bunch of issues, it's been hard for me to accept where I am and not hurt for the past. I miss the before trauma. I know I learned some amazing things that I am thankful for, but some days, I do wish I could go back and have a different outcome. I don't like living with anxiety. I don't like that it runs my life somedays. I don't like that it seems to be taking forever and leaving me feeling stuck while I work on coping with it. I want the good, positive happy feelings. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. But it's hard. It's hard when those around you do not understand and cannot lend support, heck, most days I don't even know how to help myself.
I continue though, right now I continue for the little girl sleeping soundly in her bed, all tucked up with Ella her mouse. But for now, that's it. I have yet to reach a point of continuing for myself, I know it will come, but it's going to take a lot of time and a lot more work. I just wish it would hurry up so I can start to feel unstuck.