Thanksgiving was cathartic. It was needed. 5 years ago I spent all day cooking my first Thanksgiving meal. Stephen and I were thankful that at 37 weeks pregnant, we would be meeting our sweet Ty in just a few weeks. We had a lot to be thankful for 5 years ago. It was our old life, it was the last time I had cooked Thanksgiving because I could not bring myself to cook another Thanksgiving dinner after Ty died. It hurt, the pain was deep, standing over an oven, cooking turkey would bring to many painful memories. The bliss, the ignorance and the guilt. Oh my the guilt. I avoided cooking.
We attended family dinners instead, but even that was painful and hard. It didnt seem right, not that I ever expect this time of year to feel right, but this year I felt different. I wanted to cook again. Thanksgiving was the last meal I cooked for Ty, I spent hours cooking for him. Why not do it again? Thanksgiving has always had a special place in my heart because of Ty and it felt right to spend all day cooking again. I felt it was needed, it was what I needed and have decided going forth, Thanksgiving is just for us. No family functions, it holds to much value to us. It hold a lot of memories of our old life, of Ty, of our struggles, of where we are now. Its a time to reflect. I spent all day cooking, I've cooked more in the last 3 days than I have in the last 3 years and as exhausted as I am, it was rejuvenating. It felt so incredibly right. It was the right decision. I cooked my heart out, not just for Ty but for Bee. I cooked for her because I can, because she is here and well and alive. I cooked for Jacob, in memory of him. I cooked because it felt like the right thing to do.
This year was different. As hard as the last few weeks have been, I still felt the love of cooking a meal for my kids. The ones here and the ones not here. All my children. I'm thankful to have carried them 9 months and held all of them in my arms, even if some only for a few moments. I'm thankful to have heard two of them cry. I'm thankful to have seen all of their hair, light brown, brown and strawberry blonde. I'm thankful to know their eye colours, blue, brown, blue. I'm thankful to know each of their smells. I'm thankful to have a hat from each, a blanket from each that held them. I'm thankful for having been able to lovingly give two of them their first bath (and one his last). I'm thankful for the sleepless nights, now restless, not because my heart is aching and my arms are empty but because finally, finally I have a little one who needs me.
As hard as it was for me to speak up and say that I need Thanksgiving to be for me, to be for Ty, to be for Jacob and Bee, I did. I knew in my heart, it had to be this way and that it has to be this way going forward. I am thankful that I was able to cook for my children, all of them and that it turned out half decent!