If you have followed this blog from the beginning, you know how long our house hunt has been. It started way back when we found out we were pregnant with Ty. We both had good jobs, money saved and the plan to buy a house shortly after he was born. Well shit hit the fan when he died and subsequently Jacob died and ever since then we have battled to get back on track. It's been a long road and for a short time we were just looking for a new apartment (need I remind anyone of the mouse infested, falling stairs, no heat, no laundry apartment we use to live in) and we found it. It's been our home for the last 3 years but I am hopeful that it will only be our house for one more year.
But then the ptsd brain acts up. It reminds me that we've been close before and had it ripped all away. The fear creeps into place and I start to worry and panic. Will this be the year or will our goal seem insurmountable again? We are so close yet so far away from the biggest dream we've had all along that it's both scary and exciting. It makes me feel rushed, though we have to make sure we are financially set (working on a down payment) but at times I feel like we just need to pull the trigger and get it done because if we wait too long something may happen. Something may also not happen and I'm working hard to recognize that, but the fear is there. It's the fear of the unknown, It can be negative but it can also be positive. We are working away on trying to do everything we possibly can to make this impossible dream come true. It's a lot of work but it will be worth it in the end.
I know buying a house may seem so little to some (and to others so impossibly big) but to us its the world. It's a dream that died and was buried twice. Its our dream we've always had and have been through hell and back to try to reach. There have been times when we have doubted that dream would ever come true. There have been times when I have cried in the tub, wearing a hat and gloves because our apartment was so damn cold. There have been times where I wanted to shout in anger. I know home is where ever we are but its important to me to set roots down for my family. I had to move a few times as a child and hated it. I want to have a solid house for Bee to grow up in and for us to expand into (maybe child wise, maybe dog wise, maybe my business wise) but I want to make it home. I want to make it safe, I want to make it comfortable, I want to make it my retreat. I want it to the "the house", the one people love coming to because they feel so warm and welcome. Where they know they can put their feet on our coffee table (because we dont have one) or let their kids run knowing we really dont have any breakable items. Where they can feel free to open the fridge and grab a drink. I want all of Bee's friends to come over and have a house full of laughter and love because that's what life is about. It's about spending endless hours working in the garden, reaping what we sow. Making fresh lemonade from the strawberries we grew, or baking potatoes on an outside fire, straight from our garden. Laying in the hammock watching the clouds float by. Riding our bikes down to the creek for a swim (or not, just getting a little Now and Then sentiments going on). Its about family meals around the table (not covered in my sewing work) It's about having a designated library space (or not, but I can dream). It's about being allowed to express who we are and what we believe in by the things we choose in our house, the white walls, the accent plants, the natural wood. It's about being minimal but realistic.
As thankful as we are for where we live now, it isn't our forever home and we do have limitations. We have a dream and it's getting close but I am so damn impatient it's killing me. Truth be told, one of the other pressing issues I fear and my desire to get into a house asap is because I'm afraid I will die soon. I talked about it in counseling this week. I know Bee will be taken care of, but I want a house I can pour my heart into, leave her little messages all over for her to discover when she is older. I want her to know, see and feel the love I have for her if anything should ever happen. I know life is not guaranteed. I know people die and I just want to have Bee settled in case anything happens. It may not be logical to many, but it is logical to me. My need to provide is strong, my need to protect is strong and until we can get into a space where I can get everything organized and settled, I will remain to be unsettled. I am trying to be patient but it is so damn hard. I just wish more than anything luck would be on our good side for once and make it happen soon.