The emotional impact of packing is starting to arrive. The emotional attachment is starting to come through. I can't help but sit and think of how life has changed in the 3 1/2 years we have been here. When we moved in, we were childless. I had yet to experience the miracle of taking a living child home from the hospital. I didn't know what it felt like to be a mother, or a parenting mother more specifically. I never held a child to my breast, I never held a healthy, living child in my arms. I cried so many tears for two boys, my sons, that I will never get to watch grow. I spent so many late nights awake rocking in a chair holding a teddy bear. Life was so unknown, our future was unknown. We took a risk leaving our "home" for a better life without knowing if it would be. Life before Ardsley was hell, life after Ardsley, well it still isn't happily ever after but at least now I have Bee. She has changed me immensely and continues to change and challenge me.
Since we moved in I became a parent. I stayed up at night rocking a living child in my arms, holding a living child to my breast. This house holds the first cries, the first crawls, the first words, the first meals, the first steps, the first bike, so many firsts I never had with the boys. All these milestones were emotional within themselves because my baby was growing up at the same time, I started to realize what I had truly missed with the boys. This house was our first home. We knew it would never be our last, as we rented and planned on buying at some point, but it was the first home the three of us lived in. It's had it's ups and downs and all out rock bottoms, but it gave us a new direction in life. We had an irritating neighbour, our car was stolen, the store 4 doors down was robbed at gun point. We've had no heat no hot water (currently the issue) the garbage debacle, a lot of crap to deal with. But we've also had amazing parks to walk too (and lots of them, something we won't get with the new place) Taking a moment for a question, have you ever noticed that playgrounds are smack dab in the middle of fields with no trees around? Why do they not put trees near parks? It's like they want kids to get sunburnt and over heated. Playground equipment also gets hot, so why not protect it and the kids? It baffles me.
Anyways, we leave our front yard, it's held sprinkler parties, home grown veggies (some years better than others) many days sitting under the tree watching the clouds go by, saying hi and asking doggies what their names are. This house, these walls have heard many frustrating moments, many panic attacks, many anxiety attacks. It has heard so many tears. Happy and sad. It held a first birthday which we never knew before moving in if we would get. It saw the adoption of a new furbaby, lovingly renamed money pit (aka Hank). It saw the start of my business and the small growth it continues to see. It saw many late nights staying up watching Scrubs, Buffy, OITNB, GOT marathons. It birthed my love of buying old furniture and giving it new life (the floors could tell you all about that). It's been 3 1/2 years here, life is vastly different than when we moved in, in good ways and bad, but different for sure. We've all grown, sometimes apart more than we'd like, each individually growing at our own pace in our space.
Change is scary, it would be scary no matter where we were moving too, but this move to me is big. It's not in the same town, it's a different town. I've been to that town many times but living there, when I didn't every expect that, it's going to take some time. Time to learn where things are, how to get to things, what places to go to, what places to avoid. It's scary but exciting at the same time. It's a new place for me to branch out my business, to meet new people (gasp, please tell me I don't have to meet new people, it goes against everything I like) it's a part of life that is necessary and we never know who we will meet. It's about finding the location ice cream stand, the best hidden park, the cool hiking trail, it's about discovering new restaurants and little shops.
Moving into Ardsley, we didn't know our future and I guess in some aspect, you never really do. Moving to our new home, we have no idea what it holds. It's scary, the unknown. It's scary when things feel so fragile. Will a move make it worse or will it in time make things better? Is it what is needed? I mean we had no choice, we have to move, but I wonder what the new walls and floors and yard will hear. I wonder where I will be in 3 1/2 more years. I have no idea but at least in the meantime, I will own a piece of land other than grave plots.