Literally and figuratively, Valentines was a day from hell. So much so that it's still affecting me today. I've forgotten how hard grief can hit sometimes especially when provoked. I forgot how hard I can cry so much so that I have to pull over because I can't drive. I forgot how much life can hit you like a freight train sometimes. I forgot how deep the pain still is.
It was an off day, I had to bring Hank to the vet to have repeat eye surgery so my emotional state was already a tad sad. It didn't get me down, I just feel bad for the guy but I refuse to give up on him. After I dropped him off I had to head to the dentist to get some fillings replaced. I have severe anxiety when it comes to the dentist office. No matter how many times I have been, it makes me sick to my stomach with fear. But I went because the pain in my teeth outweighed the fear in my heart. I was already dreading the appointment and am still in horrible pain from the procedure. But that wasn't the bring me to my knees part.
My dentist, assistant and I were all talking about how moms don't get time to be sick, we always have to take care of others even when we are sick. It lead to them talking about how women always outlive men and at this point I had a dental dam in place and the work had begun, so no chance for me to utter any words. The assistant then said "I just want to die before my girls because whew" which the dentist followed by "yup, there is nothing worse than buying a child". My eyes did the talking, tears poured down and I did everything I could to control the sobs (not easy to do when your mouth is being worked on).
It was pointless, I cried, I cried hard as they worked. I cried for an hour. Thankfully I had some dark glasses on so they couldn't see how hard I was crying, though they were pouring down my face, I could not hold it in, those words stung. It was like a dagger to the heart. There is nothing worse than buying a child and all I wanted to say between my tears was, you are right, there is absolutely nothing worse, let alone having to do it twice. I don't blame them, they don't know about Ty or Jacob and most people who have not experienced child loss say such things. I just couldn't handle it yesterday, it hurt, it hurt more than anything in a long long time. I'm still teary eyed about it.
Towards the end of the procedure, he was asking me if I had plans for v-day and I shook my head no. He asked if I was going back to work and I managed to squeak out that I dont work. He said that was so nice and awesome which made me cry more because what I really wanted to say was no, it's not nice. Even if I wanted to work I can't because my mind is so fucked up from my boys dying that I can't hold down a job at the moment. My ptsd and different forms of anxiety make it impossible for me to do anything that resembles a job (I have not sewn since the beginning of the year, I can't even run my business from home half the time) It is a struggle, but I'll keep trying. I refuse to give up, but it doesnt mean it's easy for me.
I couldnt even manage to squeeze out any words when we were done, I just knew if I tried it would turn into an all out sob fest. I was trying so hard to compose myself, I just kept saying get to the car, get to the car. I was quiet, I didnt talk at all, I just paid and left and made it to my car. I took a few breaths and started to drive. I turned on the boys music and well that was the end of it. I pulled over shortly after because the crying was too intense, the hurt, I haven't felt the hurt or pain or sadness on that level in a long time but those words hurt so much. I dont' know if it was the day, I don't know if it was the nonchalant way it was said and then they went on like nothing, I dont know what caused it but grief struck and it struck hard. I was off all day. I'm still off today, this one will take a few days to get over. I honestly cannot think about it without crying and the worst part is, I have to go back for more work and I dont know if I can emotionally handle it.
Grief, sneaks in at times when you dont expect it and hits hard on pretty normal days. That is life and grief. There was no way those tears were being kept in, no questions were asked about them, maybe just the pain attributed to my mouth, but grief caught me by surprise, innocent words wreaked havoc on my day and subsequently probably this week. It hurts, the pain really hurts, the sadness tonight really hurts. Life really hurts right now.