This week has been the week from hell in terms of anxiety. Whether or not my last emdr session has anything to do with it is beyond me. I just know it's been hell. I have had so many uncomfortable feelings, I've felt scared, I've felt sad, I've felt all over the place. I've tried so hard to get it under control but I feel it's getting to the point where I don't have any options. The treatments that work (counseling, massage, chiro, acupuncture etc) come at a cost of which we cannot afford. Not as much as I need them to help me get things under control and manage it better.
I feel defeated within myself, but I know I've tried. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get use to the idea that sometimes people do need more. I'm sure the stigma around mental illness does not help. I'm sure the negative views people have of those with mental illness do not help. The messages I have received through media have not helped. I feel like I'm caving when really, I've tried my hardest but I just need a bit more.
Today I went to see my doctor, I asked her to give me a prescription for anxiety meds. I opted for the same kind I was on last night, but honestly, I have no idea how they made me feel. I don't really remember much other than I know I had headaches and some weird sleep and eating stuff, but I don't remember if it went away. I don't remember the first few weeks on it. It scares me to take it because I don't remember how it made me feel. Was I any different? Did it help alleviate the symptoms? At this point, it may be worth a shot. I have yet to pick them up, that is my plan tomorrow, then after counseling I will see how I feel. I will at least have them and can start taking them when the moment hits.
The situation we are in, being in between two places, does not help. I thought it would be great to get renos done before we moved in and those are taking forever but being in two places is affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. It doesn't help that I'm still anxious about where we are moving too. The whole idea of moving is a bit stressful and moving 25 minutes from where we are now scares me. I'm sure I'll get use to small town living but it's different for me, a different lifestyle. Given, it's been one I've wanted so that's a plus but it still is different. Change is different and hard regardless, but add on trauma, grief, anxiety and ptsd, it's challenging and exhausting.
It really wears you down. I've been sick almost every day the last month, I'm picking up colds like black pants pick up cat hair. They are relentless and I know stress does not help. I've tried a few new grounding things this week and liked how they made me feel so will implement those more when I can (one may involve an indoor swing, for Bee but me as well) I know its about getting proper nutrients but for me somedays, just drinking some water and choking down some nacho chips is all my system can handle. I know sleep helps, if the 3 year old sleeps well, then my mind also needs to quiet and I can't be having nightmares or up coughing all night. Exercise has been a bit easier since house renos have been very physical and maybe thats why I seem to feel better at the new house. I dont tend to notice the anxiety or the nausea or the pain as much. Maybe it's the space. I always felt this house made me sick, for whatever reason I have just really felt that lately and maybe in some weird way it has. Maybe because I think that, I feel it.
All I know is that I took the next step. I have the prescription. I asked for help. Now I just need to take it and start to feel better. Something, somewhere has to make me feel better. Maybe taking the medication while doing the emdr sessions will be better. Maybe it will make it worse, who knows. I just want to live, be in the moment, connect with good feelings (though if I remember correctly the meds make me feel nothing, but maybe with time it will help) I know those good feelings are still in there, buried somewhere beneath all this other crap because though very rare, there are moments I feel pure happiness. I just want them more often. So here is to the next step of my journey, back onto medication (in time, maybe once this cold passes so I can know exactly what side effects I may get that are linked to the meds) not sure where it will take me, can't remember from before, though these days I can't remember things hours earlier, my short term memory is gone. But we will see how this goes.......