Things have been a bit out of control over here the past week. So much so there has been episodes of fainting/blacking out/intense dizziness, call it whatever you will. My anxiety has been the worst this week. It hasn't been this bad in a very long time. It's not completely unknown, there was the grant mixed in with Mother's Day (which as much as I say I'm okay, I clearly can't kid myself) and just not feeling well (which always cues the anxiety). I was off, so off. The tears came so easily and my panic was at an all time high. Nothing I did could keep me calm, I thought about caving and going back on meds but then I remembered how far I have come and that I need to sort through things. I've done a lot of self talk and reassurance. I tried to piece together what was wrong and fix it in my mind. I scheduled acupuncture, which always helps but had to wait a few day, which made me anxious. I felt my anxiety was uncontrollable. I just had to hold out a few days for counseling and acupuncture. I needed to distract myself.
When I attended counseling this week, I said no emdr. My brain was overwhelmed. My emotions were all over, I needed some peace. We talked, we talked about my anxiety and my ill fated attempts to control it. We talked about the reasons I was feeling anxious and like always, light bulbs went off. I'm never mentally fully aware of the time of year or the memories but my body lives in memory. When my body is off, something is going on. Little did I realize that 5 years ago we got Jacob's fatal diagnosis. I'ts not that I will ever forget May2/3rd but it's not on the forefront of my mind. When I was having a hard week I realize the grant and Mother's Day (which is inevitably hard) but I didn't realize what else my body was remembering. It remembers that day, hearing that he had no kidneys and would not live. It remembers the sobbing and wanting to vomit. It remembers the haze and shock. My body remembers everything and sometimes that actually hurts me more.
If I don't feel well and I only can acknowledge some of whats going on, its a lot harder to control the anxiety. If I am unaware of what my body remembers, it lets me know. This week was a perfect example. Yes, I was aware of some high stress times, but I didn't recognize all of it. As usual, counseling helped me through a lot of things. It helped me be able to prepare for my acupuncture on Saturday because I felt like that was the only thing that could help and I would have to suffer for days in the meantime. Even though I know that is not true, it's what I felt. But counseling helped. Talking it out, realizing things helps clear my mind and connects with my body.
Without going into much detail about the grant, let's just say I did not get what I had asked for and was very disappointed. However, someone else took the blame for the reason why, which would lighten the load of making me feel inadequate, but at the same time, left me with a mixed bag of emotions. I was able to work through some of them and when I didn't understand why it mattered so much, my counselor pointed out, someone let you down and you lost a great deal because of it. Someone who was suppose to know a lot about something and you put your trust in them. Bam, just like that it clicked. The whole situation with Ty and Jacob, putting my trust in someone who is suppose to be an expert in a certain area and being let down when I lose a great deal. Given, it's not the death of my two sons great deal, but it matters. My body remembers, my mind remembers that feeling and it brings up all these messy emotions when for some it wouldn't be a big deal.
My body remembers what my mind doesn't, it can be hell. It can make me feel like I am literally going to die. It sends me to the walk in clinic in panic that something is wrong, I get blood drawn, everything comes back clear, it's just anxiety but for me, it hasn't been that bad in a very long time. I think the other aspect is now I'm aware of it. I'm aware of feeling anxious and recognizing that I am going through something. Before I was so disconnected it didn't matter. But now, now I know. Now I can say, you are anxious, you may know what its about, you may not but attend to your body and it's reaction to what is happening. Now I feel the negative, before I felt nothing and though I don't see that as the best thing, I can see why it is better. Connecting to any emotion is better than being numb. It's a hard step for me to accept because I hate feeling like this. I rather feel nothing but I know the work is working and that with time, those positive feelings will start to peak out more.
Now that I've had counseling and acupuncture I do feel better. I still have the anxiety about having anxiety but it has greatly lessened and I expect it to lessen more as the days go on. Maybe, I am getting my summer line ready to release but at least I can do that on my own time. Anxiety can be so fickle and oh man is it ever exhausting, I've never had problems sleeping but this week, I've been up most nights all night. Yawn! And all I really want is to take a fucking bath with some hot water, is that so much to ask for? I guess it is....for now. One day....one day.