Death is never an easy subject to talk about. Most people try to avoid it at all costs. Before Ty and Jacob died, I never really thought much about death. It was a thing I knew would eventually happen to me, as it happens to everyone, but I didn't spend countless nights lying in bed thinking about it. But then Ty and Jacob died. I held Jacob as he died, he was in my arms as he took his last breath. Death stared me in the face twice and since those days, my mind is always going there.
Death is challenging, especially when you don't really have any beliefs about what happens when we die (which is where I am currently at in my religious/spiritual journey). It makes me a little uneasy because of that but also I do worry about how I will die. I hope it's quick and painless, it's something I do think about. But even those two reasons don't make me fear death, what makes me fear death is life. I fear not being able to live. I fear not being able to watch Bee grow, that is a huge anxiety beast of mine, so much so that I'm always at the doctors because I feel sick, making sure I don't have anything I can prevent and catch at an early stage. I take care of my health, I limit my exposure to risky situations and do what I can to prolong my life.
I fear death because I fear missing out on living. I worked so damn hard to get Bee here, she is the most wonderful little girl. She is smart, kind, caring, beautiful, thoughtful, funny as shit and all around awesome. I fear death because I do not want to miss out on growing with her, seeing her through this journey of life. I fear missing her first day of school, her last day of school, high school dances, boyfriends (or girlfriends, I'm cool with either, love is love) heartbreaks, bad decisions, first speeding ticket, getting her license, marriage and kids if that's what she wants. I don't want to miss that, I fear missing that.
I fear missing the warmth of the sand between my toes, the soft blades of grass as I chase Bee through the yard. I fear missing laying on a blanket looking at clouds, the smell of spring rain, fresh laundry (especially dried on a line outside) hot chocolate with whipped cream after a cold day outside building snowmen, apple picking, hot apple cider, bonfires making smores, camping, hiking, all done with Bee. I fear missing her life as much as I fear missing mine. Above not knowing what I believe about the afterlife and above fearing how I will die, the thing that keeps me awake at night is life.