It's not an easy subject, in fact it's one most avoid, but when you have it stare you in the face twice you look at it differently. Before we went through everything that we did with the boys I'll admit I was scared of death. I didn't have the strong faith I do know and there were so many unknowns that I had. The boys taught me a lot about death, Jacob especially. He taught us that death can be a beautiful thing. Not all death is beautiful depending on the way you die but it is not something to fear. Both Ty and Jacob have taught us that there is some sort of afterlife. We cannot deny that they aren't around us at all times. Strange things happen and I know it is them. In the last to years my view on death has dramatically changed. I know longer fear it, yes it still makes me a little uneasy but only in the sense that how I will die is not known and that is a bit scary.
I never thought that at the young age of 28 my husband and I would be reserving our plot at a cemetery and desiging our headstone but given what has happened, it feels right to us. It is importnant for us to be close to the boys so we have to reserve our spot now. Death has become part of our life and it is fitting because with every life comes death.
I bring this up now because of something that happened on the weekend. It was Doors Open in London (one weekend a year certain places open their doors for the general public to see) We go every year (minus last year) This year we had the pleasure of really getting to know the boys cemetery. They have a few places that are closed during the rest of the year so it was nice to see what was inside those places. That being said, there was one place we simply should NOT have gone too. We went and saw the crematorium. We stayed for maybe a whole 45 seconds because I could not take it. It made me sick to my stomach to see it. It was death, yet again, staring me in the feace but this time it was not the face of my precious angels, it was a furnance to burn bodies (obviously thats what a crematorium is) I can't really place why it made me so sick and absolutely horrified but it did. All I could think about was them loading Ty or Jacob into the place and their little bodies burning. I almost puked.
I don't mean to sound horrific or judegmental of those who choose to cremate, that's not it at all because that is a very personal choice and honestly, it has pros and cons too. We never had the discussion whether to bury Ty and Jacob or cremate them, Stephens beliefes said bury and I'm happy we went with that, though there are cons to that as well. Our boys are buried here, we can not move them which means we will forever live near London as I simply cannot move away from their bodies. I feel it is my reponsbility to take care of their graves out of respect for them and don't get me started on the whole worrying about them being cold issue. But that was our choice and not everyone believes in that and thats okay, I just simply needed to state about how terrifying it was for me to see the place where bodiesd are burned. Trust me and take my word, DON'T go to one if you have the chance! It's the ugly side of death, the side that does scare me. I thought I'd be okay to go see it but I was not. I can't shake the feeling it gave me. I want the beautiful side of death to come back into my mind and replace this horror I encountered over the weekend.
At least I now know I should probably NEVER go to a morgue (well alive anyways) because I can only imagine how much that would terrify me and make me sick as well as cold as it is and everything that comes with it. I'm sure I would get the same feeling and I have worked hard on not being afraid of death and don't want another train derail when I see more into how dead people are dealt with. I prefer to remember Jacobs last breathe, so incredibly peaceful, so sure real, beautiful, he could not have left this world with more love, more hope, more faith and more peace, a present from him to his mommy and daddy. He and Ty both taught us the beauty of death, it is not to be feared (how you will die is a different story as no one wants to imagine suffering) but death itself can be beautiful and should be celebrated.
Many people do not understand how we were laughing and all smiles at Jacob and Ty's celebration of life (after Jacob's funeral) but the sad part was over and now we had every reason to celebrate his death. It's hard to do and it is a struggle but finding peace with it has helped us live on.It has taught us that death really can be beautiful.
So after thinking for awhile I decided I wanted to post this post. I know other grieving families can relate as I know most go through this. This is a general observation I have made through the last two years from being around many infant loss couples and in many infant loss groups online. It's very upsetting, frustrating, unfair and hurtful that people fully expect us to recognize birthdays and holidays for children who are alive. Yet, at the same time, people never acknowledge Ty or Jacob. You know they both have a birthday, even though they aren't here doesn't mean those days don't mean anything to us. In fact they have more meaning because our boys are not here. The same goes for holidays. I don't think people understand that just because our boys are not here that it means those days shouldn't be recognized or that our boys are never thought of or mentioned. Countless times I have seen the bereaved come together because only then do we feel true love and true love for our children, even though they are not here.
People say time heals but it hasn't for us yet, it just seems to get harder and harder and partly due to the above. People forget, people move on but as grieving parents, we never will. We live each day for our angels in Heaven, trying to learn to navigate this thing called life. Trying to find joy and happiness where it once was and rid the sorrow and hurt. It gets lonelier as time goes on but in that time our family extends to include people who truly care about our children and show us in so many ways. Our family dynamics change, blood does not tie us together but simple love does. Love for each other and love for our angels. That's what makes us family, a family no one could ever tear apart. A family that provides love and support and care more then blood could ever do. They are the ones we come to rely on simply because they are the only ones who acknowledge our children and make our children a part of their lives. Us bereaved families are left to cling to each other because we are the only ones who seem to care, who seem to acknowledge. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, some blood family is great but countless times in my infant loss groups this is not the case but rather our lives and family dynamics change to adapt to this new way of living. We navigate it together through thick and thin and though our lives get busy as does any family, we always, always make time to remember our children. These are the people who send messages, cards and bake cakes on birthdays and holidays. These are the people who ask twice how we are doing. The first time just to be nice, the second time because they really want to know. These are the people who send a message to see how we are doing even though they probably have heard the answer 200 times. They do not get tired of hearing about our journey or about our children because they know, they get it.
This journey is not an easy one and when family or close friends you relied on before disappear after loss, it's nice to have people who truly care, show support and love step up to fill that void. Our children may not be here but they matter just as much as any living child on their birthdays and holidays as well. Some families wonder why bereaved parents avoid holiday gatherings its because its painful, it's painful to be around people who are suppose to love and care about you yet they do not even mention the one most important thing in your life, your child. People go on as if they did not exist when we sit there thinking about our children, what would they look like, would they like the food, what would they be getting into. We sit alone in our silence and it eats away at us. If only people would open their eyes and understand that just because our angels are in Heaven DOES NOT mean they do not deserve to be thought of, to be mentioned, to be included in some way or another. Countless bereaved families struggle through this year after year, holiday after holiday, birthday after birthday. We struggle because we have loved so much and continue to love but to us it feels like others don't share that love. It's very hurtful and very upsetting to bereaved parents to go through this.
So to all my bereaved friends, know that you are now and always will be a part of the Nelles family, you and ALL your angels because we get it, we remember, we know your children at times better then we know you because they are that important. Just because others may not mention your children, as painful as that can be, we remember.
I've been very emotional the last few days, my social worker managed to break my boundary walls down and got me to cry, though I think I really needed it. I just have so many emotions all at once that I can't feel much, if that makes sense. I feel horribly guilty for not having done much for Jacobs first birthday and I know we can do things for him anytime but it still doesn't lessen the guilt. I know I'll always feel some level of guilt when it comes to most things with the boys but lately it has been hard. I just do not feel like we are honoring them well.
So many people have all these things they do to remember their babies by: balloon releases, certain holiday things, birthday things, fundraisers etc and yet we don't do much of anything. To be honest we are both so emotionally exhausted but not only that, when it comes to holidays, right now we don't even celebrate so we haven't even been able to establish certain holiday memories. I know we will get there one day but the guilt is so horrible in the meantime. I want to do things for the boys but I'm so tired. It's so hard to do much these days. But even then, the guilt eats away at me.
I finally went to the Bereaved Families garden and saw Jacob's name, spent some time sitting on a bench near by and had a cry. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it was emotional none the less. I find it strange that I have such an easy time going to their graves but yet such a hard time going to the garden and seeing their names. Their names are at their graves too but it doesn't make me as emotional
Tomorrow marks one year since Jacob graced us with his presence for 2 1/2 precious days. What do I have planned? Absolutely nothing. Do I feel horribly tremendously guilty? Yup sure do but to be honest my heart simply cannot deal with this. We spent a quiet day together on Ty's birthday and we will do the same tomorrow. Had I had the day off of work yes we would have done something more but I think we'll save it for Saturday. I still want to buy him a present, get him a cake and some birthday balloons but nothing much more then that (just as Ty's was) the only difference, I won't be making Jacob's cake this year. It'll have to wait but we are still going to get a carrot cake from somewhere.
I am just beyond exhausted. Working 37.5 hours a week, being 19 weeks pregnant and having a horrendous time dealing with heavy emotions in regards to the boys dying and with Milo sick lately and no sleep, I just can't do it. I feel like a piece of shit but I know Jacob understands. I know Jacob knows I have done so much in memory of him that it doesn't matter when I do it. But to do anything tomorrow having to be at work tomorrow and the day after is just too much. I had planned on taking all 3 days off but realistically just starting a new job it was not an option. I'm already missing enough time with Dr's appointments. We will celebrate on Saturday, not his real birth or death day but that is the only time I can solely focus on him and I want him to have that.
I don't even dare let me mind wander back to a year ago or look at the pictures until the weekend, I don't need to have a mental breakdown at work...speaking of mental breakdowns though...
I FINALLY got my friggin EI letter in the mail. It only took 4 months and a complete meltdown in the middle of Home Depot but it is here. Stephen laughed at me and said I was the only person in the world that was excited to get a letter from the government to pay them $8000. I told him after a huge battle and losing it at Home Depot it was worth it. However, I know this is not the end, I know if I get to apply for Mat leave and need to borrow hours from before it's going to be another battle, another nightmare. I can only pray I do not have to leave work before the beginning of December so I can get a new fresh set of 600 hours in and not even have to deal with any of this.
But back to Jacob. Tomorrow at 11:19am is when he made his appearance into this world. You can read all about his birthday and living days followed by his death days under his tab up above (birth story) I know when I have some quiet time this weekend I will and I'll look back at pictures and videos because to me it still doesn't seem like it really happened. How could that healthy pink crying little boy in those pictures also be the same one that got so swollen and lifeless at the end...it doesn't connect for me.
Maybe one year I will get around to planning something special for him but this year my heart just can't take it. I still love him so much, as I do Ty as well but I can't do it. Something small and nice on Saturday is all I can manage.
Happy Birthday Sweet Pea! Your our Sunshine <3
He's home, we're broke but he is eating! I knew it was just a matter of him coming home to get him to eat. He is on some medicine to help with whatever he had as they arent sure (I'm convinced it was the cat food) Thank God Charlie didn't get sick too! He is re-adjusting to being at home. I can tell he is exhausted from not sleeping and is so jumpy at all the little noises. His paw is very swollen so I have to keep an eye on that but other then that he is on the mend THANK GOD. I'd seriously lose my shit if anything happened to him. Stephen is on strict orders to be home with him tomorrow and the day after so we can keep an eye on him and give him lots of snuggles. He isn't to fond of his medicine and I wish there were treats I could give him but his stomach is so sensitive it would just throw him off. But I am so thankful he is home and even more thankful we could afford (and I say that with a grain of salt because it was EXPENSIVE but he's totally worth it) it because a lady there yesterday her cat had something similar, though I think her cat was a bit worse, but she couldn't afford it so they were going to have to put the cat down. So I know we are blessed to have the resources to pay for it, even if it stings the pocket, our cats aren't just cats they are very much a part of our family and I am thankful we can provide them with what they need, even when they are sick.
I did have a talk with Milo about his timing of getting sick and told him no more getting sick on long weekends. Follow up with his vet next week and hopefully we avoid any further complications. Just so thankful to have him home where I can baby him to pieces and give him lots of love and make sure he is comfortable. Now if his paw swelling could go down and praying he does NOT have a reaction to the anti biotics because he is known to have some allergic reactions to medicine. It'll be another long night expect tomorrow I have to work.
Milo is my baby, he was my first baby and my first true love I was so lost without him last night. I missed his bedtime snuggles. I called last night and they reported he hadn't thrown up (which had been 12 hours) he was hydrated but still not eating. They would reassess in the morning. I called this morning, he still has not vomited YAH! It has been 24 hours which is great. He is still hydrated and peeing but he is still not eating. They gave him an appetite inducer but it didn't work. We both agreed he most likely was not eating due to him being scared shitless of being there. Milo is a very scared cat, he is by all means a scaredy cat. When he had to stay overnight at the vet's before he did not eat and I mentioned that to them and she seemed to agree. The plan is to test his blood levels at 12 and go from there. If they are higher he stays if they are lower (even slightly lower as she said these numbers take time to decrease back to normal) then he gets to come home to try outpatient care. We both thought him being home may allow him to try and eat but we have to be careful to make sure he only eats a bit and slowly so he doesnt throw it up from eating too fast. I'm hoping they send us home with a new food for him because as of today there will NEVER again be Wellness Brand food in our house.
Yesterday after we came home I was of course online reading everything I could about ALT levels and what it meant. I went through pages and hundreds of forums where hundreds of people responded. There were about 5% of people whose cats had other symptoms and signs other then the ALT levels but 100% of the people who had cats with just high ALT levels and nothing else all had fed their cats Wellness Brand cat food, that was a HUGE red flag to me. I do not think it is a coincidence, I feel like it has been poisoning our boys and I fully intend on letting the animal cat food regulators know my findings. So needless to say, no more Wellness Brand. I have no idea what we will switch too, hopefully the vet can let us know. Right now they are trying to give him some gastro food to help calm his track and we may stay on that a while or go to the prescription hypoallergenic food. This morning I am cleaning the crap out of the house, vacuuming, dusting, washing the floors again. I did this all last weekend but doing it again for Moo. I looked online to find pet safe and natural cleaning solutions (of which I use most already) I just may try the baking soda in the carpet to help. I already clean with just vinegar and water and use scent free dish soap for the floors but I just want to make sure things are in place for Milo if he does get to come home. I do fully believe it was the food but still, he has allergies so anything I can do to decrease the pollutants in the house (because there are a lot, even though we have most of the mold and mice problems under control, I'm sure there is still some hiding) So here's to the blood tests at noon, praying they have gone down a bit so Moo Bug can come home so I can take care of him!
Stephen has also been told he is not allowed to travel the next few days because he needs to stay home and keep an eye on Milo, assuming he gets to come home.
My poor Moo is sick and in the hospital for at least 48 hours. I am so scared for him. I cannot lose him, I would not make it through. He is one of the reasons I was able to get out of bed every day after the boys died. He is my sweetheart, my mommy's little boy and follows me everywhere I go. He loves his snuggles and I love them. They don't know exactly what is wrong. The only thing that came back (he had xrays and blood tests) was his ALT levels are suppose to be under 100 and his were 1800. He has been throwing up on and off since last night. He tries to drink but a lot of it comes back up. He's not eating and I'm losing my mind over it. He HAS to get better, I will not be able to deal with anything but him getting better. I don't know how I will make it through the next two days, so thankful tomorrow is a holiday so I can go spend some time with him...he just has to be okay that is the only option I can deal with. Please pray for my poor sick little kitty, he means so much to me!
Next Wednesday is Jacob's 1 year in Heaven, well his actual birthdate, his Heaven date is the 7th. I have absolutely nothing planned and feel horribly guilty about it but I am beyond exhausted to plan anything this year. We kept it quiet with Ty's and I think we'll do the same. With Jacob the only difference is I have no energy to make a cake so we will have to buy a carrot cake this year. We also plan on buying him a gift and bringing balloons to his grave but I also work that day so I don't know if we'll do it on the 5th or the 7th.
I feel horrible but I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted with grief, I can't do it. Everything constantly reminds me of him and Ty, I live with it everyday of my life. I honor them every day of my life and I remember them every day of my life and I hope the boys understand that I just can't do anything big and exciting like a lot of people do. I don't have that in me at this point.
I'll see what next week brings though, maybe I'll find some energy or strength...
Some days I sit and watch the videos we have of Jacob, or look at his pictures. He looked so alive, so real, so healthy and I wonder, was he ever really here? It seems like a bad dream but we have proof. But the proof can't fool the mind or heart. When I look at those videos or pictures I think it never really happened, that it was all a dream. How could my perfect little boy have been here but not be here anymore? Most days it really does seem like a dream, with both Ty and Jacob, like it never really happened.
In response to my rant yesterday I just wanted to share what always happens after I hit rock bottom (or so it feels like it to me) On days I just feel horrible and down and out, the one and only thing that keeps my head up is planning things to help others. Any kind of charity I can be apart of to help others always makes me excited. Even on days I feel a severe lack of motivation, it's usually on those days that a fire is lite in me and I get great ideas. Hang with me this is going somewhere. I don't know what it is but I do credit God for giving me this inspiration, this motivation to do good for others when I am at my lowest moment. These days I live to help others in any way I can and last night after I had a complete 100% meltdown of a disaster I thought of a great idea. I don't want to share exactly what my brilliant idea is because I want it to be surprise but I will say I am going to hold a fundraising auction on Tycob's Boutique (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tycobs-Boutique/235036309900051) to raise funds to help a very special little girl in a BIG way. I am hoping this works, I want nothing more then to help this little girl and once she has her surprise, I will share. I have decided all profits will go towards the fundraising (with the exception of shipping which I am willing to cover most of). At first I was selling things to mainly re-cop what I had spent on fabric but Stephen and I are in a good place right now and whenever we can we give, so this is my time to give. It is something I can give. I don't rely on the money for us, I never have. It always goes towards some sort of charity because that's why I do it.
So I am asking all of you to pop on over to Tycob's Boutique (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tycobs-Boutique/235036309900051) and like us if you haven't already. Also make sure to check off that you want updates and please, as soon as I say go, spread the word. I really want this to work. I do have a goal in mind, enough to cover what is needed or this special little girl and will announce more details on facebook once I upload all the pictures to the album. In my darkest hour she is my shinning light, she has given me new fuel and lite my fire. I pray that this will work and this will help her for her darkest moments.
On a sidenote, I thought I'd give EI one more chance. I called this moring, every 5 minutes from 8:30-9:07 getting the message they were too busy and couldnt take my call. Reached the waiting list at 9:07 wait time was more then 45 minutes, figured I'd get some work done first. Tried again 20 minutes later (9:30) and from 9:30-9:47 I got the too busy message. 9:47 I reached the waiting list, another 45 minutes. Figured I'd hold and just put my speaker phone on so I could still work. On hold for 20 minutes, someone picks up, take 10 minutes to explain what is going on...she says to wait while she reads what is going on, on hold for 10 more minutes then hung up on. I'm officially done, I am going to my MP because I am getting nowhere with the idiots at EI. Everything was fine until this guy called yesterday and said my claim hadn't been cancelled when I have a letter stating it was. Gathering all my info to bring with me to the MP's office and taking care of this once and for all.
Another side note, I called Canada Post to file a complaint of no mail for 3 weeks and they said there isn't much they can do since none of it is regsitered. No you will do something about this matter. Not receiving our mail is causing a headache, so yes, you will investigte and I've already contacted the Ombudsman because this lack of service is inexcusable. The last 2 years my pride of being Canadian has greatly vanished, the shit treatment we have received from the government lately makes me want to move back to the USA. End sidenotes.
So please, stay tuned on how you can help me help a very special little girl in a BIG way. I really want it to be a surprise, I love surprises (well good ones, not the crap lately) and I do committ, any money raised will go directly to her.
I just need to get it out, I need to get everything off my chest so I can breathe. Let me start by saying since about an hour ago this evening has turned into a horrible mess. I thought it would go great, things have been okay lately. To clarify, the EI shit I was dealing with, you know how I got a call and the lady was like yes it's all fixed, sent me a letter saying exactly what was going on, the hours they took away were credited back and I could expect a letter in the mail in a few weeks telling me how to pay the money back? This was of course after dealing with them for 2 months. Yeah, so I'm in Home Depot getting some wood cut to make a frame for the peg board and I had to call them last week and say I haven't received anything in the mail yet and it's been over a month. Well she said she'd put me through and the whole shit of waiting 2 weeks then a week then 2 days then 1 day again. Well I got a call a few days ago from some guy, thought it was him telling me my letter was sent so I called him back and said to call me back and let me know. I get this call while standing in Home Depot having just had much wood pieces cut and he proceeds to tell me he is looking into my claim and I was like, umm no it's already been looked at and taken care of. He says okay I just need to get some more information from you so I say okay. He says when did your son die? Thanks, that came out of no fucking where. I tell him September 7th and he then asks when he was born I said September 5th and asked why it mattered. He said I need to see if you qualify for some benefits and I told him no, I've already taken care of this, it has been dealt with the claim had been misfiled on my behalf by someone at EI which was their mistake and I called like the good person I was to pay the money back (keeping the money is just starting to sound like what I should have done even though I can't double dip, right now I don't give a fuck, it's to the point where I'll keep the money if they want me to)
Being the good citizen I was I called and said no that claim shouldn't have been filed and he was like I'm just trying to see if you qualify because your son died (mentioning Jacob dying twice now) and I say NO hold on, this has already been taken care of, never should have been filed, I'm paying the money back and those hours are to count for my next claim. He says no thats not how it is and thats why he is looking into it. I tell him I have a letter form you guys (SO GLAD I asked for it) that states clearly what has happened and what has been taken care o that it already has been solved so I don't know why he is calling. He says because my son died (3 times now) he needs to see if I qualify. This moron was not getting it. So he asks me why I think the hours count for the next claim because it's less then a year and I explain to him I was on disability the last year and 9 people I have spoken to at EI all told me because I have been on disability when I file my claim they will go back an additional 52 weeks because I was off for more then a year.
This was followed by him saying "if your son died, why were you off the last year" Oh I don't fucking know..maybe BECAUSE MY SON DIED (as I am screaming at him and balling in the middle of Home Depot with people looking at me) and he was like okay but why were you off? Like FUCKING DUDE get a clue. You've already mentioned my son dying about 10 times at this point (he asked me like every other question) and there I stood a balling mess trying to explain to him that all I need is the DAMN PIECE OF PAPER telling me how to pay the money back. I told him I was not going to deal with him anymore because this case has already been solved, I've had it taken care of, I have a letter explaining exactly what happened so there was no need for me to talk to him. I told him all I need is for the letter to be sent to me to pay back the money I owe, (it's been going on 2 months now that I'm waiting for that) and he says no letter has been sent because they needed more information for my file and I said no, no you don't, it's already been taken care of and I have the proof so just send me the damn letter. I think by that point he realized he wasn't getting anywhere with me so he said okay that's all I need to know and hung up.
Can I just say I am BEYOND frustrated that this shit has gone on this long and their the ones messing it up. I called and told them the claim was never suppose to be filed, I could have kept my mouth shut and kept the money but being the honest person I am I know I wasn't entitled to that money yet no matter how hard I try they keep messing this situation up even more. I can only imagine the nightmare that it will be come January when I really do file. It's is going to be a train wreck and I can see me needing help of a lawyer to deal with it. I'm done with this shit. The phone call today officially did them in. From now on I will be seeking legal action or the help of an MP to deal with this shit because it needs to be over with. 4 months is way to long to be harassing me with this burden that they created in the first place. I'm done with it. I tried to handle it in a nice way but obviously they don't have time for citizens.
Now onto issue number two....which had he not told me they haven't sent a letter yet I could very well see being the issues. Stephen and I are going on 3 weeks now with NO mail. What do you suppose Canada Post would do about it? Diddly squat, they won't investigate where our mail is going or why we aren't getting it. Trust me, I know we have mail coming to us, a week and a half ago and 4 days ago I mailed myself a letter from work...it should be here, it's not. We are not getting our mail and Canada Post won't do anything about it so we are officially SOL big time. Any important bills or stuff, we have no idea about. We are really getting screwed over here and I contacted the Ombudsman because that behaviour is inexcusable. It does need to be investigated and I have proof, letters to them and phone calls saying we aren't getting our mail so when someone claims we owe money and we haven't paid I can say well you need to talk to Canada Post about that, they are the ones refusing to look into why we are not getting our mail. Its a service to Canadian citizens and when its not there they better look into it. Again, I don't need this kind of shit going on, I have enough on my plate (and don't even get me started on the American government and taxes, that's awhole another novel of a story) I'm just so sick of all this shit. We are doing everything we possibly can that we are suppose to do yet nothing ever works out for us. I am beyond frustrated and have no idea where to go or what to do. It's just little ole me against a country of assholes. I'm at a loss for how to solve any of this and it is causing me great stress. I just feel like giving up.
We'll see if I get a letter anytime soon and you can bet I will be calling EI back to clarify yet again that my case has in fact been taken care of and the next step, someone suggested going and talking with my MP...that WILL be happening. Maybe they can get somewhere with this shit.
Rant done and I do feel a bit better though now I have no appetite at all and no desire to do anything. Of course I'm also having a gallbladder attack due to the stress...fucking wonderful, just fucking wonderful. Also, on a sidenote, all I wanted was mac and cheese and I made it and realized we have no milk....fuck.
Today I decided to join Stephen on his road trip to Oshawa for work. I debated this the last two days. I really wanted to spend time with my husband and I knew it would have to involve a car trip. My anxiety was through the roof today. Not only am I anxious to be away from home on any given day, to be so far from the boys, I am anxious anytime I am in a car ESPECIALLY when it is raining and on the highway (which it was) so it was a nightmare. Add on top I am terrified about Tuesday and I was just a mess...many teary eyed moments today but I had some good talk time with the hubby which was really nice. It was a very boring trip, we were only there 3 hours and most of it was spent with Stephen running around working while I sat in the car but I actually had a relaxing time once we were there. I just opened the windows cranked the tunes and chilled enjoying the rain. On our way home I got to look at some really cool clouds, I saw a teddy bear an angel and a rainbow.
How could I forget, we also got some chocolate from Purdy's Chocolates....mint meltaways...mmmm....So yummy! The dangerous thing is I now know they are there so if Stephen has to head to Oshawa I may ask him to stop. So even though it wasn't the most memorable trip the important part was spending time with my husband and trying to keep my mind distracted from Tuesday.....it's not working that well but at least I was with my love all day, even if it was a boring work trip and we had to reschedule Ikea for a later date.
We are home now and my anxiety has settled down from being away from home and in a car, I still have a lot though about this week and everything that it will bring but tomorrow is another busy day with a date night dinner at Curry's, which I am really looking forward too, some new fish for our tank and switching my old phone for Stephens iphone. Monday should be a busy day at work but I fully do not expect to get much sleep that night, though sleep has never really been an issue for me. Even the night before Jacobs big day I still managed to sleep. I was up every two hours checking on him like I had been for the last 6 weeks (yes I will be like that this time too) but I still managed to get some decent sleep in. Speaking of sleep, I am exhausted so I am off to bed full of anxiety and mint chocolate.
I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things that my mind is so clustered at the moment. This last week has been especially difficult for me emotionally. Stephen has be gone a lot and I'm not use to that. He is my rock, he keeps me level headed and when he is not around I struggle. Thankfully my mom was up for a few days so it wasn't horrible but here I sit sending him off again for a few days. The week I really need him to be here for my sanity he has to be gone. It is going to be a tough week mentally, physically and emotionally. It's gotten to the overwhelming point so much so that last night we attempted to go to Ribfest and I only lasted about 15 minutes (enough time to grab some food, sit down and eat a bit but then we had to leave. It was really too much for me. I think this week the best idea is to bunker down in the house after work as anything after 5pm is a no go for me. There is the exception of Wednesday night. If Stephen is in town we will go to the Bereaved Families meeting and I really hope he is because I need to go. I need to see the people who can understand my pain and agony.
So many people say that things should be getting better because we are pregnant again and this time it will work out and to be honest that pisses me off when people say that. For one thing, you cannot guarantee this baby will make it and quite frankly after two losses I'm doubtful Bee will be our keeper. You have no hand in making sure Bee makes it here, you aren't God and you aren't a doctor so no, you don't know it will work out. Secondly, it doesn't matter if I am pregnant again, what matters if the fact that I should have two little boys running around causing chaos in this house. Life will never be the same, there will always be two pieces of my heart forever gone. Being pregnant again does not change the fact that we lost Ty and Jacob. It does not change the fact that I hurt so much over losing them still. It does not change the fact that I may lose this one too. It means nothing other then we are being given another shot at what is so easy to others that we struggle with. There are no guarantees and this baby will never replace Ty or Jacob so no it doesn't make anything better.
I've also been thinking a lot about Jacobs situation and how we would have done a few things differently. There were some things we wanted to do but as per our doctors suggestions we didn't and I regret not doing them. I don't know if it would have made a huge difference but it is a guilt and regret I live with and always will. It's part of the what if's. But one thing I can't stop thinking about that does anger me a little is the fact that Stephen and I really wanted to donate parts of Jacob to help other babies live. We were told this could not happen, there was too much liability and that babies don't "share" their parts with other babies to help them live. This in fact was a lie. This does happen, it happens more often then some may think. There have been cases where babies who are dying can give their heart or valves or arteries or whatever to other babies to help them heal and live. We wanted to do this, we wanted this to be Jacob's gift. Jacob had a perfectly normal heart, it was healthy and strong. His heart was not the issue and his heart could have saved a baby whose heart was not as good or as strong. But we were told no. I think in our case the doctors just didn't want to deal with it (and I'm not talking our OB, it was the neonats) A few months after Jacob passed away I finally received a response from the organ donor organization and was told that yes, donating baby parts to help other babies happens all the time and it is very much needed. It broke my heart to get that email. Just because of some lazy neonat at our hospital another baby probably died because he/she didn't get the heart or valves they so desperately needed and yet here was our Jacob who had perfectly good parts in him (minus lungs and kidneys) that could have helped save a life but wasn't given the chance. Yes we realized the repercussions this would have caused us, a trip to Toronto for sure, pulling Jacob off life support before we did, we were ready for that. We were ready for Jacob to breathe life into another child, to mend the hearts of a hurting couple who was standing by watching their baby die so helplessly. We were that couple but we knew our Jacob, no matter what was done, would not make it and all we wanted was to help another baby.
It pisses me off so much that the one neonat kept telling us no. It's the same one we feel did something to quicken Jacob's death (trust me there is a lot of reasons we feel that but we know going after it won't bring Jacob back) I'll share one huge one with you. On Jacob's first day of life he was breathing and he was trying to breathe on his own while he was on the ventilator so they had to sedate him so he would stop fighting it. They gave him some medication which he responded horribly to, he crashed. They brought him back but he was never the same after that. We were told to our face that he would never again be given that medication and taking the doctors words we believed him. When we got Jacob's medical reports back we saw that a few hours before he had passed this doctor decided to give him that medication again, even knowing how it caused him to react the first time. Had Stephen and I known this we wouldn't have pulled his life support so quickly. He again, took a dive because of this medicine. Yes we know Jacob was a sick little boy, yes we know that he probably wouldn't have lived much longer but that does not negate from the fact that we were told he would NOT be given this medication and he was.
But still, that doesn't change the fact that he could have helped another baby but because of some lazy neonat who just didn't want to deal with all the arrangements we were told no. Did he not think we'd find out? Did he not think I wouldn't contact the organ donation place. I now know that it is indeed very possible to donate baby parts to help another baby and it really upsets me that we didn't have the chance. We could have helped and we were more then willing to help (we asked at 18 weeks when we initially found out and kept asking but were always met with no's from the neonats) it's what we wanted to do even knowing that meant Jacob would have to be cut open and parts would be taken from him. For this reason we were okay with that. It if could help save another babies life we were on board. But it is too late, the damage that was done has been done. Again, it's just another guilt and regret I have to live with. It just has really been on my mind lately. I think part of the reason is because I have not accepted Jacob's death, I have not come to terms with it like I have with Ty's. I am looking for answers, for reasons, for closure but I think with Jacob's death I will never get it. I will always search for meaning because I do not get it. I do not get why our second son had to be taken from us as well. I wanted his little life to have purpose and many have told us that our journey with him taught them a lot and that is great and all but I need to know Jacob's purpose. I need to know why we had to go through everything we did with him. Of course we do not regret that part one bit, we'd do it all over again but I am praying to God we don't ever have to deal with that again and that we will have one pregnancy that ends in a healthy, living, breathing baby. It is what we need right now, our hearts and our empty arms need it.
The last week has been tough but I know this next week will bring about a whole set of new emotions as we sit and wait to hear the fate of this baby. To know if we will have to yet again, reserve a plot, plan a funeral, take all the pictures we can because those will be the only memories. One week until we find out if this baby will follow in Jacob's footsteps or if we will be blessed with a perfectly healthy baby (as of right now, we know anything can go wrong, there's a whole slew of things at 18 weeks that we won't know next week) but one step at a time. If there are kidneys and fluid that is a step in the right direction and yes two weeks later our world could come crashing down again but for now we focus on our next goal, it just happens to be an incredibly large one for us. It is all I can handle right now, I need to focus on Tuesday (the 14th) and no where beyond that. My mind is so clustered with so many thoughts and emotions. It is going to be a very tough week in the our household.
Remember how I said my husband was finally coming home after being gone since Tuesday....I was wrong. I mean technically he did come home at 12am and was sleeping when I got up to leave so he was home but I never saw him. He is back to traveling today and tomorrow and that SUCKS! We had plans. I am getting off work early tonight because I thought he would be home and we could spend time together. We were going to sleep in tomorrow then enjoy the afternoon at Ribfest....both of those plans are down the drain.
I have no idea what I will do this weekend. The house is clean, I'm all sewn out, it's hot out, I can't carry heavy things (laundry baskets) I just don't know what I will do. I know what I want to do but work keeps my man busy. I'm sad I won't get to spend time with him like I thought I would. This being away is getting to be a lot. I need husband time! I guess the plus is I work full time so I only have to worry about the weekends but in all honesty, I need him right now. My anxiety about our next appointment is really starting to set in and I need his level headedness. He's the one who can stay cool and tell me everythingis going to be okay and actually believe and mean it. I'm a basketcase without him. It's such a huge change for us too. The first night we had ever been apart was 2 years after we first met. Last August was our first night apart when I checked into the hospital for 4 weeks with Jacob. He was still in the city and visited every day so it didn't really seem that different but now these overnight trips are piling up and I can only treat myself to so much while he is gone.
Pity part for one please....might as well book the reservations for all weekend. Overnight? Yes! A bunch of chocolate and other comfort food, sure add it to the bill.
My favourite "fest" is this weekend.....Ribfest....mmm...
My husband has been away for three days and I miss him. He's away being a busy working man. But he comes home tonight (just after I'm alseep, I told him to wake me though so I'll be having a midnight awakening) I'm so thankful I have had work and my mom to keep my mind distracted because sitting at home all day would not be a good thing. Our relationship continues to be tested with these new "over night" trips as we are not use to them. I think it just makes us appreciate each other even more (if that's even possible) I just really miss him, he is my everything. He is so positive and reassuring I miss it when he is not around. I need him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay because I don't feel like it will but he is so sure of it. Him being away shows me how much I have become dependent on him. I never use to be like this, I was always very independent but now, I rely on him for so much and I know he does the same for me as well. The last few days without him have been tough but hey, it's a long weekend and I get off work early tomorrow to kick things off and Laundry date Saturday morning, or Sunday we'll see how we feel and them RIBFEST!!!! Mmmm....my lips are watering thinking about it, though my stomach is not sure how it feels about it. But I ate ribs with both the boys so I have to this time as well. That's all to report here...this mama is EXHAUSTED so its going to be an early night (since I now I'll be up for a bit during the middle of the night and early morning tomorrow)
I don't have many words of wisdom today in regards to the sermon at church. I had a horrible night last night, I was up with constant gall bladder pain and I could not sleep so of course today I feel like a 20lb bag of rice. I'm really starting to watch what I eat and drink, I do think it is dairy related. I know it's not spicy food as I have not had any but possibly heavier food or dairy. I don't eat many fried foods so I wouldn't think it is that either. I recently switched to a lactose yogurt because non just costs too much and I've been eating a lot of it. It's Balkin style which is great on my stomach but I'm wondering if it is causing problems for my gall bladder.
On top of not feeling well, during the first reading they mentioned Jacob (which they do a bit) but what caught me off guard and made my mind wander for the rest of service, in the second reading they said Tiberius. It brought tears to my eyes and my mind was left wandering. I didn't pick up on much else after that, that I remember at least. At some point during the sermon our Rector was talking about Miracles and it got me thinking. Jacob, even though he only lived two short days, was totally a miracle. Everything that happened with him was unexplainable, he was a medical mystery no doctor could explain and he kept proving them wrong. He truly was our little miracle. To begin with, the biggest factor in this was that his kidneys did eventually end up developing. No doctor could explain that because none had heard of it before. We were told that organs just don't develop late, they just don't. Let alone not only one developed but two. That was truly a miracle. We were told he would most likely be stillborn, he wasn't. We were told her most likely would only live 5 minutes, he lived 2 1/2 days. We were told he wouldn't move a lot because of the lack of fluid, he flipped every single week. We were told I would not feel his kicks, I did. We were told that they were not sure if he would make it through the birthing process, he did. Everything they told us he proved them wrong. There is only one thing they told us that they were right about, his life on this earth would be short. He would not come home with us. He didn't and his life was short. But even so, he in every sense was truly a miracle. He is proof that God can do amazing things, even if he didn't heal him completely, he still proved most odds against him.
I have been feeling a lot of anger lately in regards to him passing. I have read so much research and all of it pretty much stated there were things that could have been done that could have saved him. Deep down in my heart I have always had a bad feeling that one doctor in particular did something purposely because Jacob wasn't suppose to live. Stephen and I both feel it but we never met with the NICU team, we couldn't. We have his medical records, we know he was sick and maybe we are looking for someone to blame (but that's not really like us) but both of us can't help but feel something was done horribly wrong. For our peace of mind we probably should have met with the NICU team but we know it will not change the past and we know that even though he was only with us 2 1/2 days he still was in every sense a miracle. He gave us hope when all else was lost, he taught us to cling to our faith and believe that miracles do happen everyday.
I always struggle with Jacob's death because through Ty's death Stephen and I really truly did learn a lot and we had tremendous blessings come through his death. I wish it didn't come at the cost that it did, but it did. Stephen and I both got it with Ty, we know we learned many great things and because of Ty we really have become quite blessed. I have come to terms with that. But with Jacob, I still do not know the lessons or many of the reasons why he had to die too. He did teach us to always have hope and faith but then it was dashed and I don't know how I feel about that. We continue to hold onto hope and faith because it's all we have. We did meet some wonderful infant loss families through him which have been a blessing but I don't see the lessons like we did with Ty. I don't feel his death had a purpose and maybe I will never understand until I meet him again. Maybe it was to show us that even miracles can make a huge different in such a little time. I just don't know and I have not come to terms with it like I have with Ty.
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about Jacob's birthday coming up and I really wish I could take the time off work but I can't. I know it will be a struggle because with Jacob, I have 2 1/2 days of memories, hundreds of photos and people who saw him and share their memories of him. I have something to remember, but the last thing I remember is putting him in the black funeral home box at the hospital and saying goodbye. I never had that with Ty. I have so much more with Jacob then I did with Ty and I think that brings out so many more emotions. I can actually sit down on the 5th and hour by hour go through what was happening from 11:19am when he was born until 7:45pm on the 7th when he finally passed surrounded by so many people that loved him (nurses included) I don't know how I will make it through, he was our little miracle and always will be and it guilts me to the core that we never had that with Ty.
It guilts me that everyone is saying congratulations and that they are so happy for us yet I can't feel that for myself. All I feel is fear and anxiety and terror. It's hard to go out and love like Christians love, to share what they have with others when I don't even sometimes love myself, when I have trouble even giving myself what I need because of the guilt. It's not like I starve myself or anything but mentally, I don't give myself what I need. I'm beyond exhausted today and my gall bladder is still in pain, not as much thankfully, but it makes it hard to get anything done. I was suppose to see a friend before she flew back out to Calgary but I just don't think I can do it today. Hearing the boys name, ontop of the pain and being tired and thinking so much about Jacob that I feel horribly guilty for not thinking about Ty has made this a rough day. I really think a nap is needed!
The one thing I do know is Jacob was in every sense, truly a miracle. No one ever said that miracles have long lives, no one ever said that miracles had an age limit or time limit. But miracles do show us faith and they give us hope to hold onto.
They should make a movie titled "When Gall Bladders Attack" and my gall bladder could be the staring role! It has had an absolute fit today. I told Stephen I'm almost to the point of wanting to go to the hospital to get a morphine shot because Tylenol ain't touching it! I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, I hope so because I am exhausted. A full week of work, grocery shopping this morning, family BBQ this afternoon, church tomorrow, seeing a friend then another full week of work. I'm already exhausted thinking about it! But Rib Fest is next weekend...mmm...I'm sure the sequel to "When Gall Bladders Attack" will be airing next week after Rib Fest. Does anyone who reads this have their gall bladder out? I'm just wondering what kind of diet you have to be on if you have it removed.....let me know I'd be interested to hear.
Do you all remember how I said I knew there was a reason God put me at my new job but I didn't know why yet (other then it is awesome!) well today I was smacked in the face with one reason......I was talking to one of the people who work there, just about us looking to buy a house in the next few years and then the conversation turned to her daughter and buying a house because she was pregnant and her and her boyfriend at the time wanted to move into a house. A few seconds later she says "they didn't end up buying it, they broke up and she lost the baby"....cue my heart starting to RACE! She didn't say much about the baby but I asked, I asked how far along she was and what happened. She was 23 weeks and they don't know what happened but OMG talk about a small world, I mean infant loss is so common it seems like everywhere I go I know someone who has been affected by it yet its such a taboo subject no one speaks of it. I told her my husband and I had two losses so if her daughter ever wanted to talk I'd be more then willing. She didn't ask any details about the boys but maybe in time she will. If not I hope at least I can talk to her daughter and let her know she's not alone. My heart was POUNDING though, as soon as she said that I was like, no way.....and then I was so nervous to mention the boys but thankfully I didn't have to go into detail yet. With time though. I really hope I can talk to her daughter, I know how hard it can be to not have anyone to relate to. I think it's really important to talk to others who have been in your shoes and gone through such an experience. It helps you feel less alienated and more supported.
Work was great this week and I know a lot of people say that about their first week of work but I really do mean it. I don't see me not liking it ever. I do see myself growing into a career there and going to school for my credit counseling course and moving up that way. Another great perk about small offices, when the boss says it's time to go home, it's time to go home. I was able to leave at 4 today which was great because hubby and I went out for dinner to catch up on our week. We'll be together the whole weekend too (Yah!) Then he is off for a few days next week on overnight trips but my mama is coming to stay with me (yah) and since we got an extra pay cheque this month I am going to finally get my eyes checked and get some much needed new spectacles for myself. My current ones, I have had for over 7 years and there all scratched and junk, I really need a new pair and I'm happy I finally can do it! I've been scoping them out online (zennioptical) and with there prices I may be able to get a pair or two (there about $12-$40 each) Yet another good solid step on the ground for us. We are getting there, very very slowly but surely we are getting there. This week has been a good week. It feels good to be back into a routine and the days are flying by! I can't believe next week is the beginning of August (which means Ribfest yum yum) but it also means only one more month until Jacob's one year. Then after that it's Ty's 2 year.....and Fall. I didn't book the days off for Jacob's one year and haven't for Ty's but my intention is to always book those off. I just didn't feel right with starting a new job and having all my doctors appointments right now, I'm sure I'll be okay. At least during the day. I guess I need ti start thinking of what to do and find a good recipe for Carrot Cake for Jacob.
Alright time for me to go enjoy my apple cake we got at Perogie Place which was deliciously yummy! If your in London, you should check it out.
I figured I'd write a little bit about my new job. Firstly, I love it! I love where I work and the people I work with. I've always loved working in smaller offices because I've found people's personalities to be so much better (and maybe it is due to less stress, pressure, drama and gossip that bigger offices have) I just feel so right there, like I'm meant to be there (and I know after how I got the job that I am really am) I'm learning so many things and I must say, I am proud of myself because my brain is not fried like I thought it would be. I still can learn at a quick pace and teach myself how to use all the new programs and do all the new work I have. I still enjoy teaching myself things too. I do some admin stuff but I also do a lot more (and will be doing a lot more) of the insolvency side of things and again, I love it. I love having that variety and learning new things. The more I can learn now the better it will be when I go back to school to get my counseling license. It is a very small company (only 4 of us plus a guy who rents out a room for his accounting business) but there is still a lot of room for me to grow and learn all about insolvency.
It may not have been what I had in mind when I was looking for a job, but now that I am there I do not intend on leaving (if ever) well, okay, let's be real. In 4 1/2 months I will be temporarily leaving and don't even get me started with the guilt on that one....I'm making sure to take good notes and write everything up so whoever takes my place temporarily will have notes and I can do a good job at training them so I won't feel as bad (I'm sure I still will thought) I was hoping to not announce this pregnancy until after my 3 month probation but the fact of the matter is, if I waited 3 months from when I began I'd be 6 months and I'm already showing at 13 weeks...there's no hiding this baby for much longer. I still want time to prove myself though. I still need that time to show them they made the right decision and that I made the right decision. I just really like it there. It's very laid back and no one gets stressed, my office has a ton of big windows so I get to look outside (which I love!!!) I'm really enjoying my first week there, though my body is finding it tres exhausting but I suspect that will change over time.
I don't know if I mentioned it before but I accepted the job before I knew what I was even going to be compensated with. Turns out, it is more then I was making before, the benefits are better and I don't pay for parking. Plus there are some other great perks that I look forward too. I know I took a risk accepting it and having to announce my pregnancy before my 3 months is up and having to tell them about the boys will be hard too but I just could not let such a good opportunity pass me by and I hope they feel the same way because I really do love it there. I say that now and maybe in a few months I won't but I really don't think that will be the case. Plus, I get to learn how to manage my money well to avoid getting into debt. I think we are pretty good at that given everything we have been through and we have come out not owning a bunch of people a lot of money. We are at the bottom but now that we are getting back on our feet and we both have good jobs it will start to turn around, it has to. I think the next few years will hold some great accomplishments for Stephen and I and I can't wait to share them all! #1......bringing home a living, breathing, healthy child. Here's to hoping that can happen soon!
Well I managed to sleep in today until 6am (but only because Stephens alarm went off) he owes me I was in the middle of a great dream. Jillian and Dolvet from Biggest Loser were training me, it was SUCH an awesome dream, one I did not want to wake up from but he had to be up and off early to head to Oshawa. Darn him! I don't like when I am having really good dreams and I get awoken from them...let me stay in dream land just a bit longer.
Also, remember that thing I mentioned I thought about on Sunday but couldn't remember...I remembered today! I don't remember exactly what was being said in church but it mad me think of Jacob and how respected he was. To see the love and care everyone who was around him had for him, his nurses, some of the doctors, the social worker, our priest, people who normally do show respect but the love they showed always makes me teary eyed. He may have only been here 2 1/2 days but he touched so many lives and for that so many people showed him the greatest respect and it is something I will never forget.
I'm crying just thinking about it, it meant so much to me, I mean the world to me that his nurse who was there when he passed away stayed past her shift to be with us, she was crying and hugging everyone too. The same one who sang to him while she was taking care of him. She showed him compassion, she showed us compassion and so much love for Jacob and I just can't describe how amazing of a feeling that was. Sure most nurses in the NICU probably have a bit more personality then the run of the mill nurses but his nurse went above and beyond what was expected and for that I am forever grateful to her. Everyone who saw him even after he passed away treated his cold little lifeless body with such respect, hugging him and kissing him, even after he was a few days passed. I will never forge the day of his funeral (which forgive me I think it was 7 days in between, he passed on the 7th and we had his funeral on the 14th, I could be wrong, I'm horrible with his funeral date, I know Ty's was October 22nd and I'm pretty sure Jacob's was September 14th) anyways, so seven days after he had passed and Stephen and I wanted to see him before we brought him into the sanctuary and our priest was there (the one that sadly moved to Edmonton but he will always be a part of our lives) he bent down, Jacob having been dead for 7 days and just as we finished saying good bye he leaned down and kissed him and it broke my heart, I mean in a good way. To show my son such respect and love and care means the world to me and it's something we didn't have with Ty.
It is just fitting to type this emotional sob fest of a blog today because on my way home I was so sad, it was one thing that led to another. I ordered a Groupon today for the Butterfly Conservatory in Cambridge and I was thinking about that and then the butterfly's made me think of Ty and I was thinking it'd be nice to go in the fall which made me think of the boys and fall and then I got sad and cried. It's just been an emotional afternoon since 4:30. Just another day I really miss the boys and the tears fall freely from my face.
But really, thinking of the people who showed Jacob so much respect, love and care, it hurts in a good way. It makes me sob, in a good way. It meant the world to me and still does, little moments others had with him, he did exist. He was loved by many and he touched many peoples lives. The guilt eats at me that we didn't get the same with Ty and there is no way to fix that then to remind myself we did what we could at the time (trust me, that doesn't do anything though) That's what it was though, something our new rector said that made me think about those times, in the NICU and at his funeral when my son was shown so much love and respect, more then some people see in a life time. There bittersweet memories but they are memories, more then we have with Ty and for that I am thankful. I am also incredibly thankful to everyone who showered him with love, songs, care, hugs, kisses and respect. And I better stop there before I repeat the words, love, respect and care anymore!
Day two at work was successful. I really like it there and I think I will be there for a long while because I have so much opportunity to grow. I've learned a lot over the last two days and have been taking notes so I can remember it all. This morning everyone was busy so I went about and did some things on my own and taught myself a few things while I was at it. I'm hoping to really impress them over the next few weeks (then it won't be such a blow when I announce I am pregnant and leaving on mat leave soon) I just really like it there, there is no stress, no one there gets stressed they all seem pretty laid back and the owner is such a nice guy, he's the kind of guy I like working for, someone who really appreciates his employees and you can tell he appreciates them. He takes them out to lunch, pays for benefits and I'm sure come holiday times he does something nice. I like working in a place where my hard work is noticed because then it makes me work even harder and I'm a lot more willing to go the extra mile and stretch for someone who treats me with respect as an employee. I always have loved working in smaller offices and I'm so glad to be back in one.
Of course today was great because I woke up to some AMAZING news from another baby loss mama and it made me so flippin excited. It really is about the small things in life that seem to make me happy and excited these days, I mean it could even be as small as someone getting me a bag of mini oreos (only like the mini, don't like the regular size) or bringing me a Rheo Thompson milk chocolate mint smoothie. But it also feels so good to feel excited, I can't get excited for myself, I can't be excited about this pregnancy, I'm thankful and blessed but my heart is so protective after losing Ty and Jacob. It won't let me get excited for me so instead I live through others and their excitement even though they don't necessarily feel excited themselves.
Not much else to report. Things seem to be starting to look up for us, though I will not hold my breath, I know they like to come crashing down at a moments notice but it would be nice to have some calm before our next major storm (I'm talking like a few decades if we can get away with it) Hopefully this time, having put our feet back on the ground we are able to build, because I am tired of putting on feet on the ground only to have the ground taken away from us and having to build again. It's be nice to build for awhile. Today was an okay day, perhaps even a good day....yes I'll even go out on a limb and say it was a good day. I've been in such a good mood today and am proud of the work I am doing at my new job, I was worried I'd lose my mojo but I still got it! I am still able to learn at a quick rate and teach myself, look for ways to make things better. So I am happy about that too. Plus it has been a great distraction the last two days and I really do think it will help my mood improve a bit...but man, it is EXHAUSTING!!! I'm pooped and ready for bed when I get home at 5:30!!!! So is the life of a working woman.
While sitting in church today listening to the readings something made me think of Jacob and it kind of upset me. I sat there thinking of writing a blog about it but by the time we got done running our errands and home I have forgotten what it was. So Instead I will talk about how I viewed the sermon and what it meant to me. What I took from today's sermon that even in darkness there is light (he was talking about all the violence this week in Colorado, Toronto and London, for the life of me I have no idea what happened in London, I'll have to check online) I still don't know what happened in London, but apparently there was some bad violence (doesn't surprise me for London with all the gangs we now have) Anyways, the sermon was about us being the light to others in all the darkness and that even in darkness people can still find light. I find that this sermon is really a reflection on what Stephen and I have been through. I mean we have most certainly been through some dark times but even in the midst of those dark times we still saw light. Even thought it seemed impossible some days, it was still there and how far we have come is a testimony to the light always shinning for us and a hell of a lot of work on grieving and learning to live with the death of our boys. And now, we are the light to others, to show them you can make it through and Heaven forbid, if someone goes on to have a second loss we are the light specifically to those as well that you can make it through. I know a lot of people have told us we are an inspiration to them, that we amaze people at how we can still manage to do so many wonderful things and keep a good composure of ourselves while we are out. I even had one lady tell me she never would have guessed we had experienced such tragedy because of the way I carry myself and talk.
Trust me, it took a lot of counseling, a lot of work on my part and God at my side. People ask me how I do it and I honestly don't have a real answer. I have this strength inside me that helped me get through which I completely attribute to God. Sure I don't talk a lot about God but him and I haven't exactly seen eye to eye over the last two years and I'm still new to this whole church thing but I have no doubt that he had everything to do with giving me the strength to make it through by not only making me capable but by sending Stephen into my life. Many may not know but the start of Stephen and I's relationship was very rocky. We ended up breaking up for a month but during the month my heart was set on him and it was set on giving him a second chance and again, I credit that to God.
It is mostly because of Stephen that I have chosen to see the light in the darkness. It is because he has taught me to always count my blessings and even on days when I don't feel I have any, there are still a ton of things I know I am blessed with and thankful for. For the people who ask how I do it, how I continue to keep positive and continue to see the light even in the dark, it is because I refuse to live in darkness. I don't like being there and yes some situations negate the fact I may have been there for awhile but it is then that I learned to open my eyes, truly open my eyes and see the world. To see the beauty and innocence of the world even though we are surrounded by bad things, bad things are news worthy so of course there the only things getting mentioned but even then, there is still good in this world, still beauty for all to see. You just have to be willing to look for it, to search it.
Stephen and I have been able to see the light in the midst of darkness and we always reach for it. Now, we are the light to others in the darkness and I am thankful we can be that. It's pretty awesome to be so inspiring to people, to let people know that no matter what you face in life you can make it through. But I will be honest. I did not do this alone. I had to suck up my pride (I'm stubborn and very independent, or so I use to be, I'm not anymore. Now I just like to use a lot of commas) and seek out help, seek out counseling, to recognize when I needed to go on medication to keep surviving. I needed to deal with my grief instead of trying to hide it, I hit it head on. I did not let it get the better of me. I fought for myself, I fought for my light and yes it was and continues to be hard at times but it is far greater to struggle and find something better then to put everything aside and let the world swallow me up, let myself wallow in grief. I chose to see the light in the dark and now I pass along that light as I take place of those who need to see the light. It is possible. It's not easy, it hurts, it's hard, it sucks, you have every right to have a pity party, but when you choose to see the light in the dark you will see and you will become something truly beautiful. Then the best part, you get to pass it on to those in the dark and help them out which is the best feeling in the world!
And on that note it is time for me to go pack my lunch for I embark on a new adventure of shedding light tomorrow at my new job. I am very excited about it and it's the first time I do not feel a tad nervous about starting a new job. I just felt so comfortable and welcomed there, I know this is where I am suppose to be. I know God has put me there for a reason and I cannot wait to see how I can shed my light to those in the dark!
P.S. I know I don't usually write about sermons but I find some of them so meaningful to me and I would have written about many more but my brain has only recently decided to start remembering things which surprises me because on top of grief brain I now have pregnancy brain which makes for a horrible memory lapse. I hope to write more and make these my good, inspiring blogs because that's how I feel after church. I may still be learning this whole new God thing but I do find church gives me peace, calm, reassurance, hope and strength. I have never left feeling worse, only better. It may not be for all but I do encourage you, if you are in the dark looking for light to seek out something, give it a try, if not for the God aspect at the beginning (like me) for the community and the messages of hope that church brings (well some churches, I know there are some crazy ones out there) Whatever religion you may be or want to learn, maybe that is where you will find your light.
Last night was our Bereaved Families 5K run, I volunteered the last two years as a people watcher due to the miracle of life growing inside me. Stephen has run the past two years (and got a new records time this year, plus a trip to the ambulance because he almost passed out, I told him NO passing out but he didn't listen) Anyways, when we get together with our infant loss families we almost always have a nice time but tonight was a bit different because there was oh about 4995 other people there as well so I was a bit anxious. But really, once we got there and met up with everyone, it was like no one else existed (unless you were trying to fight your way through the crowd to get to the food, drinks or bathroom) I know before I have often said that I'm at a point where I am having okay days. Not great but not horrible, okay, however tonight I can officially say I had a GREAT night!!!!! I really did, I enjoyed myself, laughed, cried, everything, it was so nice. I cannot say how blessed Stephen and I are and how thankful we are to have such awesome people in our life. I really did have a GREAT night and I feel amazing after it! These people are such a blessing in our life, we know them only because of our loss but we all have become so much more.
It's amazing the relationships and bonds we create with others in our situation. Our get togethers aren't always sad, sometimes we laugh and have a great time but sometimes we cry because we miss our angels but it feels so right and not awkward at all. It's like we can switch from talking about one thing, to our angels, on to something else and it's so normal for us. And we know when these people ask how we are, they want the hard core raw truth, they don't want the fake smile with the standard "I'm okay" they want to know because they really do care. It's also so amazing to see how everyone goes through their grief. Some angels passed away almost 3 years ago, some 2, some 1 and some not even 1 yet. But no matter where we are in our journeys we all get it, we all understand each other and I'm thankful we have that because not everyone does and I can only imagine how hard that is for some people. So thank you to all our wonderful extended family members, we love you all so much, we care about you all so much, we pray for each of you every night, we thank God you are in our lives and especially for tonight, Thank you for helping me have a GREAT night. It may not have been the full day but I'll totally take the 5 hours that it was!
I love the weather we have been having, it's my favourite kind, cool but sunny. At the same time that I love it, it also reminds me so much about the boys (they both passed away in the Fall time) Every time I breathe the air or step outside I think of the boys and everything that has to do with them. I think about the day of their funerals and how beautiful the weather was, sunny but cool. Just like the last few days.....it's a bittersweet reminder of what should be. I was laying in bed with Charlie looking outside and it made me think of all the days I laid in bed after losing Ty and Jacob and how many days I just laid there looking out at the beauty of the crisp blue sky and the green leaves (which were starting to change colour) As heartbreaking of a reminder that this kind of weather is, I still love it. It still gives me hope and I still have many dreams.
On a side note, I think Milo (our cat) is taking this "eating for two" thing too seriously, he is getting so fat! Hopefully this new food fills him up longer and helps his allergies. Poor guy just can't seem to stop scratching (and no it's not fleas, we know it's food related) I contacted the Wellness brand who makes it to ask if they changed there formula, they said no but I know something changed, or at least this bag we have because Charlie is itchy too (and we know it's not fleas) Here's to hoping this new food can help them both!
Off to the Bereaved Families 5K tonight. I can remember a year ago how hot it was and there I was 7 months pregnant sitting in the sun waiting for Stephen....so thankful the weather this year is gorgeous! Also looking forward to seeing some people we miss seeing and hoping Stephen doesn't pass out like he almost did last year. Ewww...I just remembered, he really smelled last year after his run, I hope it doesn't make me gag until I toss my cookies!