5:30am and I am up and wide awake. I have so much going through my mind. I still cannot process everything that happened yesterday. What we have been praying for, for 10 weeks came true. I am so thankful it did, but my heart will not let me feel anything. It's protecting itself. I can't stop thinking, I can't stop praying, I just feel like crying, not tears of happiness or sadness just crying. I will admit I am scared about what is going to happen. I think the hardest part for me is going to be being away from home. I love my little home and my little family so much I am going to be so sad to be away. I really hope the doctors agree to letting me our for a few hours a week so I can come home and see my fur babies and visit Ty. I'm hoping we can do Sundays so I can still go to church as well. The idea of being away breaks my heart, but I know in the long run it will be worth it. When we are holding our baby in our arms and the baby is alive and thriving, it'll be worth it. Stephen and I have been through so much in our relationship, we have really been put through the ringer but we continue to fight through everything and come out stronger. I am so thankful I married him, I simply could not ask for a better partner. It makes me happy to know he will still come see me.
The other thing that scares me is the c-section. Given, we did go into this pregnancy knowing that was the option we wanted anyways but now knowing that the doctor said it's the only way to go and it's really going to happen is very hard. Thankfully, because of Ty, I am not afraid of the epidural like I use to be so I know that part will be easy. I worry about the actual surgery. I worry about blood loss, I worry about recovery. I worry about the fact that if something happens I won't be able to see my baby alive. I may not get to see my baby for hours if I am in recovery. The baby will most likely be taken to the NICU even if it is for observation. I'm not giving u, God has shown us what a miracle looks like and I just know he will continue to heal our baby. Like my husband said and others have said, when God performs a miracle he doesn't do it half assed. If he is healing our baby he will heal the babys lungs as well. I will do everything in my power to let him do so, even spending 8 weeks or less in the hospital to give our baby the best chance. It'll be very tough, very emotional but to know we did everything will make me more at peace with whatever happens.
I did tell God he could have sense of humour with this. We aren't setting any baby things up or getting anything so I told him if he wanted to be funny and let our baby be very healthy and need no medical help and come home after 4 days to a house that is not baby ready he could do so. I much rather have that then have to put the baby things away again.
We should know on Friday if it is looking like I will be in the hospital. if things are the same Friday then I will most likely be admitted on Tuesday. If there is a lot of fluid that has re accumulated then I won't need to be. If there is less or none, I don't think I will need to be but if there is the same amount I will be. I think there main concern is that I could go into labour at any time and that because I have a placenta previa they need access to get me into surgery right away (which scares me that I may have to have general anesthesia) I just can't wrap my mind around what happened yesterday. The tech we had was so nice and upbeat and now we know the tech who three weeks ago said she saw a stomach and bladder and a small sac of fluid, she did indeed see those, so we know for at least 3 weeks there has been change going on.
The day we found out about our baby (My 2nd initially) my husband went to church, lite a candle sat down and prayed and opened the bible to one page and pointed at a reading. He said he read "Do not doubt but believe" and he has been going on that every since. I really like it, it has become our motto all along. We believe God can perform miracle and he is showing us he can. There is no way to explain it, there doesn't need to be an explanation but it is such a hard concept to grasp. Maybe I was doubtful deep inside my heart and I still cannot believe it, but I saw with my own two eyes everything they pointed out yesterday. So now we wait 8 weeks and see how the babys lungs are once born. I will continue to drink lots of water and rest when I can (though I may not have a choice next week) pray that God continues to heal our baby and let the babys lungs develop and to give Stephen and I strength. The last 10 weeks have been harder but I know these next 8 will be a challenge. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks for all the prayers sent our way so far, they are being answered. Much love xo