Well one of our prayers was answered....Stephen got a job. He applied for two last week, heard from one and had two interviews and he got that job but the thing is he really wants the other job he applied for. The job he wants is an administrative assistant at an Anglican church. It is in his heart to get that job and I know he will once he's in for the interview, there is no question, he is amazing, they'd be crazy not to hire him for the church. But being a member of a church parish I know how long those things can take, it took us 3 years to find a youth minister at our church supposedly so who knows when he will hear from the church. I told him to take this job (since we don't know if and when he would get the other job) and if he starts working and this other job comes up he can leave the first job. It may not look so good to the first employer but I told him I've done it before, he has to do what is best for him and our family and if it is in his heart to work for the church (which it is) I'm on board for it even if it is less pay. So I'm still praying God gives him the opportunity for the church job. He really has it in his heart to get that position. Please pray for him.
The other big prayer we were waiting to be answered still is hanging in limbo. We thought we may hear some more today but we didn't. It's hard to have so much hope for something and then to get it dashed, seriously, I have had enough hope dashed to last me a lifetime I'd just like good things to start happening. Whoever said life wasn't easy nailed that statement. I'd really like a break, I have given enough patience in the last year, I want some right now's! This waiting and not knowing is killing me. It's the only thing we have left to look forward too and all I want to know is if it's going to happen or not. I don't like not knowing, I can't plan for not knowing. I really think I need to stop having hopes and dreams because it always seems there getting dashed. What's the point in looking forward to something when, in the last year, I have had nothing but disappointment. We have had a few good things happen but there have been much bigger far worse things happening too. Some days I just wish I could lay in bed all day and not worry about bills, housework, eating, showering and the basics of life but I feel if I even let myself do that for a day I will sink back into that hole. I have taken the step to get out of bed everyday and manage to accomplish a few simple tasks but even that is overwhelming. If I take one day off I know it won't just be one day. With Stephen going back to work who would be here to stop me from doing it. Maybe it's what I need though. Maybe I do need a few weeks in bed. I need to get this heart thing figured out because even that is stopping me from accomplishing more basic daily tasks. I just want to loose this baby weight. It's a horrible reminder and I want it gone. I want to be healthy and happy again but shit keeps getting thrown in my face and I can't take much more. I know people always say God doesn't give you more then you can handle but I think God is mistaken when it comes to me. I feel I am at a breaking point and thankfully with all the love and support around me I don't see myself sinking back into the depths of depression. But, with winter and being a lone at home I really need to focus on making sure I have a daily routine, even as hard as it may seem. I just wish more good things would come our way so I could be distracted and have lots to do. It hasn't even snowed yet! The one year I was looking forward to shoveling snow because it is a great way to loose weight and it has to be done....I can't even do that.
By the by, since everyone keeps asking, no the other prayer has nothing to do with a baby. Stephen and I are no where near ready to even consider that a possibility. We are no where ready to risk the loss of another child or to even take care of one at the moment. Some days I cant even take care of myself. It has something to do with something I have prayer for over a year and we were given a possibility that I thought sounded good but now we have to wait and see and I don't think we'll hear for another month or two. So since I have to be hung in suspense, you can all join me!
I went to the psychiatrist yesterday. I asked to see a different one then last time because I didn't understand the last guy and all he wanted to do was give me medicine and I didn't want it at that point. Well the guy today was pretty much the same, just wanted to get me on medication and I understand that yes I may need it in the coming months but right now I feel okay. We have some big changes in life coming and at that point I may need an extra boost to get me through but right now talking is what helps most. I say that yet I feel so depressed and sad. I'm scared to take the medicine, I don't want to become dependent on it. I'm scared it will mess with my mind more then not being on it. I'm scared it will change me, I've already changed enough in the last year. I hope my doctor can refer me to someone else, someone who is willing to TALK and not just push meds. I need that right now.
I woke up at 4:30am with a horrible migraine. I took a maxalt and it took the edge off but when I woke up again at 10am and it was still there. I took a second maxalt (which I have never done before) at 12 and it did nothing. It did take the nauseous feelings away but the pain was still there. I tried a hot shower, saline spray, massage, cold cloth...nothing is taking all the pain away. It is no where near as painful as it was earlier and my sensitivity to light and feelings of nausea disappeared but there is still an underlying pain. It has never been like this before so of course I was scared it was an aneurysm because blood clots do run in the family and my aunt died from a brain aneurysm so I thought it may be that. However, the pain is exactly where I get my migraine pain and everything was similar to my migraines from before it's just maxalt didn't take all the pain away, which hasn't happened. I have had migraines related to hormones since I was about 16 so I am very use to them. When I was pregnant, both times, I thankfully didn't have any, they vanished (mine are related to my cycles, so no cycles while being pregnant meant no migraines! YIPPIES) but alas, they have returned. I can only hope this means in a few days something else will be returning so I can get back on track with that. As for the pain, I will sleep it off and if it's bad tomorrow maybe go to the ER since the doctors is not open. I know I get them and I know the pain but the thing that made me a bit more concerned this time was my usual remedy did not fully take away all the pain like it has in the past but, my body is different and maybe now it won't react the same to maxalt. At least it took the horrific edge off of it and took away my feelings of being sick. Here's praying tomorrow it is gone and something else is here instead (if it's same pattern as it was before)