It seems so surreal....we had a count down started from day one of when we would get to meet you knowing a long time ago you would come at 35 weeks to avoid what happened to your brother. 11 weeks at most, that is the only time we have left with you on earth. How do we prepare to say hello and goodbye? We've been through it once and it is the hardest thing to have to do, how do we prepare for a second time? I don't think there is anything that can prepare you for an situation like ours. Sure we have things planned, birth plan, burial outfit, picture outfit, bath soap, blankets for you to use for us to bring home, soft teddies, we have things planned but we are not prepared by any means. One cannot prepare for the death of a child, even knowing ahead of time, we can not prepare ourselves. Nothing can prepare you for that heart wrenching emotion of loosing a child. Nothing can prepare you for those few precious minutes or hours you have with a child, the only time you will physically hold them or look at their perfect little bodies, stare into their precious little eyes (at least we pray Matea opens her eyes for us) all you can do is have hope, hope that the doctors are wrong even though we have seen the ultrasounds and it doesn't look good, all we can do is hope. So here's to hoping you make it 11 more weeks and continue to grow big and strong and prove the doctors wrong. Here's to hoping Gods plan for you involves a last minute miracle of growing a functioning kidney and you live. I have no problem having to take all the baby things back out if God decides to let you come home, I hope and pray he does.
I haven't slept the last two nights so of course I am exhausted and it is not helping my mood. I have been so uncomfortable. With Ty I had problems sleeping as well, my hips were very sore and my gallbladder was acting up and here I am second pregnancy and both of those have reared there ugly head a me and may I add in full force, much worse then Ty. My hips only bother me at night but it causes me not to sleep. My gallbladder usually acts up during the day as well but not as bad right now, it gets worse at night. So I lay awake at night in so much physical pain knowing what emotional pain I will be enduring in 11 weeks and think, I think and I get scared, scared at the fact that I am helpless. Only a miracle from God can save our little girl, there is no doctor who can save her, no medical team who could save her, just God. I clearly get it now that doctors are not God. They can only do so much and leave the rest up to God. But I feel so helpless just sitting around knowing what is coming and it bothers me I can't do anything about it. All I can do is make sure she is comfortable. I can't save her, just like I couldn't save Ty and that is hard to deal with. As a mother I should be able to save my children, but I am not God. It is a tough bit to swallow knowing I am helpless. All I can do is continue to drink as much water as possible and pray knowing that I have no control over the situation.
I find I have a lot more anger this time around. Why is this happening to us a second time? We want a family, full of loving children more then anything and it's the one thing we are struggling with the most. Are we horrible people? Did we do things wrong at some point and now we're being punished? Some days I do feel as though we are being punished for something. How can I not think like that? What mother has lost two children? What mother has had to bury two children in less then a year of each other? How is this even fair? I mean obviously it's not, I just don't get it. It is very hard to mourn the loss of one child let alone grieve the loss of a second so close to the first. It makes me angry that I had to put away the baby things for a second time knowing they still haven't been used, they've sat and collected dust the last year and they will continue to sit and collect dust and not be used. Because we live in a smaller apartment though, there are only so many places to store things and not everything is out of sight so it is still on our minds.
I feel such raw emotions today. I'm sure the lack of sleep is not helping but I really feel today. I feel the loss of both of my children, my son and my daughter. The perfect family. Everyone wants a boy and a girl and we were blessed with both but their in Heaven and we remain on Earth for the time being. I know Ty is still with us, looking out for us, watching us from above, he sends signs all the time. I'm sure Matea will do the same but they should be here with us, I should be up now not because I cant sleep due to pain but because Ty would be up and ready to play. We should be planning where to place Matea's bassinet becasue we don't have a lot of room for two children but we sure do have a house full of love and laughter. Instead tears fall where they should be, where Ty's crib should be set up is an extra bed for my mother, where Matea's bassinet should be is empty, empty like our hearts, they hurt and urn for our children. We should be loosing our minds knowing we have two children who are less then a year apart, people should be saying we're crazy for having children so close in age but instead we are loosing our minds over our grief, over the fact that when we visit the cemetery it's not just to see our son but soon our daughter as well (I haven't given up hope that God can create a miracle but I much rather plan for the worst and then have to celebrate a miracle if it happens, I guess I'm protecting my heart) people are calling us crazy for deciding to carry Matea to full term despite her fatal prognosis, those people clearly have not lost a child and don't know the value of 9 months. Our world is so opposite of what it should be and I guess I can now understand why people ask us how we are getting through, it seems so impossible to have to deal with everything that we have been dealt and again I have no answer, we just keep going. We are functioning on a day to day basis planning for our lives 11 weeks from now. We continue to pray for a miracle but we know it may not happen. I can say for both my husband and I that it has helped us tremendously to have two kitties who love us unconditionally and know when we are having a bad day that we need extra snuggles. They entertain us and make us laugh with their crazy antics. Pet therapy is really one of the best kinds of therapy. We are very blessed to have such loving kitties.