Because I don't cry enough as it is, I thought I would go through and read some of my old blogs last night. Reading them brought back so many memories and feelings. Poor little Jacob was called a girl for the longest time. It was funny to see me write Matea...knowing that it turned out to be Jacob. But reading my thoughts and feelings going through it all and reading the blog where we found out his kidneys were developing and how much hope and faith I seemed to have that things would be okay, that Jacob would be our little miracle baby, it's heartbreaking. To think it has been 6 months since that fateful day...two weeks before our wedding is when we found out Jacob would most likely not be coming home with us, instead he would be joining Ty in Heaven, 6 months ago. 6 months ago I also said I do to the most incredible man I know. 6 months is half a year...two halves ago was the day we found out Ty would not be coming home with us. So much heartbreak in such little time. It's like my life should be called two funerals and a wedding (instead of two weddings and a funeral)
I often think about the last year and who wouldn't right? So many things have happened and I replay all of it in my head. I still remember exactly how it felt when we heard the doctor say, "I'm not seeing any cardiac activity, I'm so sorry" and the 12 hours the followed those words. I still remember holding Ty in my arms and seeing how handsome he was. We waited so long to see who he would look like and he was the perfect blend of Stephen and I, maybe a bit more like me with my nose and ears. I actually think Ty looked a lot like my brother. The first two months after loosing Ty are so hard to remember. We were in such shock that it actually happened. Our hopes and dreams were dashed, we felt so alone and had no idea how to get on. Then at the 3 month mark we became pregnant with Jacob and a whole new set of emotions began. I really feel like because we got pregnant so quickly after loosing Ty we never fully grieved him and it's only now that I can grieve him but on top of that, I'm also grieving Jacob....it has been a tough last year. I remember the first few months of being pregnant with Jacob. I had no idea because I felt great! Pregnancy with him was complete opposite of what it was with Ty. Jacob gave me the gift of loving being pregnant. I remember all the firsts we had with him. Our 6 week ultrasound where the tech said his heart probably only began beating that morning and it was rare we were seeing it so early on. The 7 week ultrasound where he was starting to form. The 10 week check up where we heard his heartbeat for the first time, after being told it was too early. The 14 week ultrasound because the doc couldn't find his heartbeat (that was a scary time) and seeing how much he had grown in just 2 weeks since his 12 week ultrasound (which went so well) We were so hopeful that things seemed to be going great, he seemed to be beating the odds and proving he had a mission. Then came the 19 week ultrasound when our world came crashing down. I will never forget how I felt on those days either and hearing the tech tell me I had to go see my doctor right away, knowing something was wrong. Our doctor telling us there are some problems and it doesn't look good, we refereed you to the fetal development clinic where we met one of the best OB's I've know. I didn't like him at first but then again he was the one who gave me the fatal news. But he was so kind and caring and understanding to Stephen and I and for that I have a lot of respect. He is also very knowledgeable and always gave us the time of day no matter how many questions we had. If you live in London, ON and need a good high risk OB send me a message I'll give you the name.
The day of the FDC clinic was tough, it was the longest day ever. Ultrasound in the morning then the wait...I think we waited a good 4 or 5 hours before our meeting. We knew going in things were not good and we knew we would not be bringing this little sweet pea home. I will never forget the words "incompatible with life". Between Ty and Jacob, 6 words, 6 simple words but to use they were the most devastating 6 words we have ever heard. Those 6 words were our hopes and dreams being dashed, our hearts breaking, our lives changing. Those 6 words put us into a community we never knew of until it happened to us. Those 6 words took away grandsons, and nephews, brothers and sons, possible fathers and grandfathers themselves but now we will never know. 6 is such a heartbreaking number in our family.
I often go over each delivery and the 5 months where we had Jacob knowing he wouldn't be coming home with us but trying everything we possibly could to change that outcome. It just wasn't meant to be. I think about how beautiful labor and delivery was with Ty. As painful as it was I would do it all over again. I think about how it happened so quickly and how I slept through most of it thanks to modern medicine, modern medicine that couldn't save either of my boys though. I remember the only sound in the room when Ty was born was my sobbing. I think about my sobs in the surgery room after Jacob was born. We were told all along, if he cries its a good sign, but that was a lie. He still died. I think about the 20 minutes I was aware from Stephen while they were preparing me, it seemed so long, I remember thinking all I wanted was for Stephen to be by my side. I don't understand why husbands can't be in there the entire time. I remember feeling so scared and alone. I was so helpless. I will never forget the minute the doctor pulled Jacob out and showed him to us. His eyes...oh his eyes...I wish I had a picture.He most certainly had his fathers dark eyes. I remember him moving, it's the only time I really got to see him as him.
My days are consumed with thinking about Ty and Jacob and everything that happened in the last year. My heart can't take opening the boys dresser and seeing all the little clothes that should have been. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently (though with Jacob there wasn't much and with Ty it was the doctors fault, in Canada there is no required 3rd trimester ultrasound, had they done one they would have caught he was not growing right and possibly saved him, but that did not happen) the only thing it did was increase the monitoring for any future pregnancies but I don't know if I can put my heart and body through that again. I'm struggling so much right now and not being able to loose this baby weight is adding to the stress and anxiety. I don't get why it melted off after Ty but now it is stuck on my body. It just adds to the depression.
6 more months and we go for a check up with the OB to see how my body healed and to answer our ever growing list of questions in regards to another possible pregnancy. It seems like an eternity but the last 6 months have flown by so here's to hoping the next 6 do as well. 6 months is a short time when I think of all the goals we have set to fulfill by then and they aren't small ones either. I pray and hope 2012 will be our year.