6 months ago at this very moment I was told that Jacob was crashing, my numb feet and terribly sore belly made their way into a wheel chair to be wheeled down to see my baby boy....thinking this was it, he was going. I remember the fear in my heart, the tears in my eyes being rolled down the hallway by Stephen thinking and praying that he would be okay. I didn't care how I looked or who saw me balling my eyes out, my baby was dying and I wanted him so badly to be okay. I remember going into his room and having him baptized immediately. Shortly after that he and God decided they had other plans, they decided that he would spend a little bit more time on earth before he joined Ty. 6 months ago Jacob was still alive. We were all still holding onto hope, praying he would make it through, praying he would truly be a miracle in ever sense of his being. He was surrounded by constant love, never alone for a moment. Stephen and I were at his bed side as much as recovering from a c-section would allow me to be. I was in so much pain but I did not care, my baby needed me. How I wish I could have done more, how I wish I could have held him a little longer....
I cannot believe it has been 6 months. After we lost Jacob, Stephen and I discussed trying again at 6 months...well it's here and we are not ready. It has gone by pretty quick in the long run, though at moments it seemed to take forever. 6 months after we lost Ty we were already 3 months pregnant with Jacob. A part of me wishes I was at the phase with a new one but the rest knows we are not ready. So much has happened in 6 months, I still have so much grieving to go. I need to work on my guilt...just writing this blog about Jacob makes me feel so guilty that I'm not talking about Ty, that I didn't have a 6 month blog for Ty, that I didn't even have a blog after Ty. I have not learned how to balance the grief between my boys, it is something that will take a long time, if it is possible at all. Ty never got the respect he deserved at his month mark because we were so pre-occupied with Jacob. It is something I can never change but I can only build on it from here. 6 months have gone by so fast but then I think, it's been almost 17 since we said Hi and Bye to Ty and that is even harder to believe. 17 months, it sounds like an eternity and it sure has felt like one! 17 months since our world was turned upside down and it has yet to work itself back out. We continue to struggle, we continue to hold onto hope, we continue to have dreams, we continue to work with our regrets. 17 months may not feel like that long to most but to us, who have had our lives changed and have continued to struggle the last 17 months, it has been slow!
Since we are no where near being ready to try again we decided it was probably a good time to schedule our pre-conception meeting with our high risk OB. It's a good thing I called when I did, it'll take 6 weeks to get into there (which I completely understand) and we requested to be put at the end of the day so we can ask all the questions we want and won't feel bad about holding pregnant women up. I thought surely at 6 months we'd be ready and at this point Stephen is, I'm the one who is not. I want to loose all of Jacob's weight (5 more lbs) I want to get my thyroid under control (which is taking forever) I really would LOVE to be able to move (even find a new place to move into in a few months) and most importantly, I need to get back to work. I need to make up my 600 EI hours again and knowing how anything can happen in pregnancy I'd like 600 hours in before I'd be 24 weeks. We are already struggling and I could only imagine if something happened before my 600 hours were in and then I wouldn't qualify for EI Mat leave...that would be a disaster. Though I do think at this point we have made the decision we do want to try again..at least once more and see how it goes. I still cannot believe it has been 6 months and almost 17 months...I really miss my angels, the days are not getting easier and the tears are still falling.....until I can hold you again for ever baby boys...sending my love little ones!