9 months ago at 5:47am our little angel, Tiberius Stephen Nelles, was born weighing 4lbs 7ozs. Our lives have forever been changed in the last 9 months. We have learned so much, lost so much, struggled, triumphed, had many bad days, had few good days. He has been gone as long as he had been with us. Months don't generally bother me but I do expect the one year will be very hard especially depending on what happens in 8 weeks. It just seems so surreal. Sometimes it seems like it all just happened yesterday and other times it seems like it happened years ago. Our journey loosing Ty has been very difficult. We had no indication anything was ever wrong until we went in for our 37 week checkup. I wish I had known, I wish I could have fought for his life like his little sibs. There is so much regret I have with how things were handled afterwords. The emotional needs were not met at the hospital and I left feeling horrible. I'm glad this time around we have great support and know what we want, I wish we didn't have to go through that though. I can only pray God continues to heal our baby so that when our baby arrives he/she will survive and thrive outside the womb.
Today won't be any different then any other day without Ty. His daddy is running in a 5K in remembrance of him. I use to run 5K's and I would have but...well I won't lie. This pregnancy I have been extremely lazy and the baby needs all the rest it can get to grow big and strong so on the sidelines I shall be. I do look forward to seeing our bereaved families group. I always find it comforting to be around people who just get it. We don't have to talk about our kids, though sometimes we do but it is just comforting to be in the presence of people who we don't need to say anything they just know. I am very thankful for the friends we have made through our stillbirth group. People who have gone through exactly what we did with Ty. Grieving Ty has been especially difficult with what we are going through with Sweet Pea. I feel like Ty didn't get the time her deserved, that people were and are so caught up in our miracle baby that they forget all about Ty. We surely never forget about our little angel. I go visit him almost every day. I always think about him, always talk to him, always cry over him, I miss him so much. He was so perfect I'll never understand what happened and I think I am finally coming to peace with that. He has taught us so much about the richness of life. We have become stronger better people because of him. More compassionate, more aware, more caring, more spiritual, closer as a couple, closer as a family, the value of 9 months, the value of life itself, not to take things for granted (which let me tell you was hard sometimes on those blistery cold and 4 foot snow days where we had to shovel ourselves out for many months) He has given me the motivation to help others in need. To help others who go through what we did with him. I want London to have an amazing perinatal bereavement support group. I want mothers and fathers to leave the hospital with all their needs met and fill their arms with memories of their children. We didn't get that and it's what we needed so I want to make sure others do have that which is why we started MemoryTy's. Of course at the moment it is on hold as we have other things to love on for 2 more months but I have every intention of being known at the hospital, not for the mom who lost a baby and maybe two but for the mom who is making a difference in the lives of other grieving parents. I always disliked talking in front of people but Ty has given me the strength to talk about our experience to help others because it means so much to me. Plus I just love talking about him most of the time anyways.
Ty is an amazing big brother watching out for his little sib, asking God to heal him/her. He is an amazing guardian angel watching over our family and giving us signs to let us know he is always with us. We can't deny that he is still a huge part of our life and always will be. He continues to give us strength (with the help of God) to get on because I don't think you ever "move on". I will never stop grieving Ty, I will never stop thinking about Ty, I will never stop loving Ty, I will never stop missing Ty, I will always wonder, year after year, what he would have been like, what he would have found interesting and who he would turn out like. I feel like when people move on they leave things behind and I am surely never going to leave Ty behind. He will always be with me deep inside my heart.
3 more months until his one year and again, our lives will change drastically whether God decides to heal our baby completely and bring him/her home or if he brings our Sweet Pea up to Heaven. I have already started to think about Ty's one year. I know for sure I am baking a carrot cake (Ty LOVED veggies and fruit so I find carrot cake suiting) we also want to buy enough flowers to put one on every grave in the children's section he is in and we want to write messages on balloons and release them to him. I'm sure we will have a picnic too not only for Ty but because October 15th is (and hopefully will be recognized nationally in Canada soon) Perinatal and Infant loss remembrance day. I don't know if we will have a large celebration, I do feel like I want to because we never celebrated Ty's short life and I want to give him that respect. But given we do not know what will happen during the next 8 weeks maybe we'll keep it a bit quieter for that day. I also would like to take some things to the hospital to donate to their memory boxes until we can start to fill ours.
Ty also brought me to God, well closer too and more deeply then I have ever been and I am very thankful for that because even during these hard times it is the one thing I can still peaceful about. I love Sundays, not only do we get to go to church and see our parish and all the caring people, we get to praise God for all the good he has done (and there is a lot, Stephen and I are truly still very blessed) but it's also family day. We always go to Remark afterwords ( a small more produced base grocery store with a deli and bakery section) but on Sunday they have samples...mmm...so good. We usually buy Ty a flower and then go visit him. Remark has had a lot of Blue flowers lately and I think the deer prefer those because the last few times we have gone back the next day and they have been eaten. We don't mind of course because it means someone came to visit him. We love when the deer come by for a visit. Once we get his headstone installed we are going to build a little garden for him in front of his grave. I can't wait to see what his headstone looks like. I designed it myself and want to see how it turns out. I think it'll be perfect for our little angel. We're hoping to have it installed before his birthday and do some fundraising in the meantime because just so you all know, headstones are not cheap. But they are so worth it. His little cross with his name on it is doing him no justice.
I could go on and on about Ty, about how my pregnancy with him was very challenging as I was sick with EVERY side effect known to pregnant women. I was miserable and all I wanted to do was meet our little guy. I can no longer eat sweet potatoes because of him, which now is a funny story, not so much at the time. I have so many good memories of him and a perfect birth story. He took it very easy on me and made giving birth one of the most cherished events in my life. It was so peaceful and invigorating and powerful. I would do it all over again (of course the epidural may have helped) It only took 12 beautiful hours for him to be born and with only two pushes before our angel made his way from earth back to Heaven. I will never forget him and I hope others don't as well. Stephen and I love to talk about him and I hope people don't shy away from that. I know it makes people nervous because they may upset us but I can tell you I am already upset I lost my son and talking about him makes me smile and remember the good times. Yes I may cry but there tears of good memories.
And now that I have talked about Ty (though like I said I could go on and on) I am going to go lay down and see if I can get Sweet Pea to move abit more. Back to her/his normal movements. I am so scared.....8 more weeks....