I woke up thinking about something I said to my husband yesterday. We were in the car talking about loosing weight after Matea is born. After we lost Ty the weight came off pretty easily. Of the 30lbs I gained I lost 21 in 2 1/2 months and only had 9 left go to when we found out we were pregnant again. Anyways, we were talking about how I have every intention to loose both Ty and Tea weight but I said I probably would never be as small as I was before because I am the mother of two, I have birthed (or will have birthed) two children and that really felt strange for me to say. Yes I have birthed two children but what do I have to show for it but a broken heart full of immense love for them? Some stretch marks, varicose veins, a few more pounds then I had before, pictures of me with a large belly? No one out in public will know that I am a mother and I'm sure people we tell that we just got married will ask "so planning kids anytime soon" how do you tell people you have two but their in Heaven? In one sense I feel like a mother because I am still very protective over what I do have left of my children but I don't physically have children with me so am I truly a "mother" I looked on dictionary.com to see what the definition of a mother was, here's what I found:
1. a female parent. 2. ( often initial capital letter ) one's female parent. 3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother. 4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent. 5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman. 6. mother superior. 7. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone. 8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself. 9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source. 10. (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made.
11. being a mother: a mother bird. 12. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love. 13. derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture. EXPAND14. bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals. COLLAPSE–verb (used with object) 15. to be the mother of; give origin or rise to. 16. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own. 17. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward. –verb (used without object) 18. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother.
I guess in some sense I do fit some of the definitions but I'm not a parent, or I don't feel like one. If I was a "parent" I would be parenting a child which I am not. So I am a mother but I am not a parent...yet. It's a very strange thought and feeling to be caught in the middle. I wish more then anything I was a mother AND a parent.
My husband was asking me yesterday how I would feel if Matea lived and was really a girl. He knows I really wanted a boy first, I wanted mommies little boy...and we lost him and my husband thought I may be jealous if our little girl lived because we lost our little boy. I sometimes do not understand his questions but I don't need too, he obviously has reason for asking them and is curious, maybe he himself has some feelings towards a subject like that. I told him I would be elated if Matea lived, I would praise the Lord and bring others to him, I would dance every day in the rain, I would sing at the top of my lungs about how much I love my little girl. I would be perfectly content if Matea lives. Boy or girl does not matter, I know we will eventually have one of each anyways (well ones that are here on earth with us) so it wouldn't bother me at all. I just want a living breathing healthy baby to bring home. He often asks how I will feel if Matea lives....obviously I would be happy but I do think there would be some mixed emotions in there, from not that experience bringing Ty home and the fact that we packed away all our baby things and un-childproofed our house...the first few days would be crazy. However, at this point if she does live I am guessing she would be spending some time in the NICU, I wouldn't leave her side, they'd have to pull up a bed for me and my husband we'd be there all the time but we have great support that would help us prepare. My husband and I deal well with things being thrown at us out of the blue, we take the positives we can and live based on that. If Matea lived it would be an extremely positive thing and we would be head over heels.
But if she doesn't we are also preparing for that. We have all the hospital bags packed, I have a few more things to add to mine but for the most part they are ready to go in case she wants to make her arrival soon. I did end up packing a few baby blankets, some wipes, a pacifier and diapers just in case things change last minute. I guess you can say it's part of my hopefulness that something will change. Maybe buying the clothes yesterday was the same thing. We did put all the baby stuff away but I don't want to completely give up, I want to carry some hope, it's all we have right now. Maybe it's also my motherly instincts, I've been nesting like crazy since we first found out we were expecting. I just pray it is all worth it in the end, to have those few moments with her crying and opening her eyes, or a lifetime because she would be born and pee all over the doctor which would mean a working kidney. I think today I need to re-read the stories of those miracle babies who lived despite all odds. It gives me more hope.
On a side note, we did find out that the social worker we have been working with, the same one after we lost Ty also works as a private practitioner for adoptions outside of the hospital. I am very thankful it turned out to be her. It will help us a lot that we know her and she knows us. But all of that is still up in the air and nothing will even be talked about until next year. Our time right now is with Matea and focusing on our grief for Ty. It is about our children right now. I just pray God gives us a miracle so we don't even have to talk about what to do next. It's already Thursday, 5 more days.....I am so incredibly nervous. We don't have much planned so I know the next few days will go by slowly and the lack of sleep is not helping. Oh well, she is more then worth it.
Speaking of being more then worth it, someone had asked me if all the pregnancy side effects were worth it since we were going to loose our baby anyways. Umm...sorry this is a pretty obvious answer to me but HELLO, of course they are!!!! I guess people who wouldn't themselves carry on or don't understand it (which is fine but just keep your negative opinions to yourself) don't see why I would put myself through some of the painful side effects. To be honest Matea has been a breeze compared to Ty, I actually am in love with being pregnant this time. Besides my itchy stretch marks, gallbladder pain and problems and just being sore and tired I feel pretty great physically (emotionally is another story) but yes I will happily go through all of that to give my little girl the best chance I can give her. God blessed me with her and I intend on taking care of her as best I can and will go through hell to see to it that her mission in life is fulfilled.
Matea is starving so I must go feed her...now the question is what does she want. She seems to love carrot cake but you can't make that for breakfast. Maybe pancakes with homemade fruit topping, or a bagel with egg and cheese, perhaps some french toast, maybe even a smoothie.....I do know it is chicken taco night...mmm.....
On this day of your life, Jessica, we believe God wants you to know ... that you deserve happiness just because. There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy. I'd have to say it is pretty hard to be happy given our situation, positive yes but happy, that's a tough one. I am happy and thankful she is still alive and kicking around like crazy but true happiness would only come with a miracle, in regards to her, there are many other things in life I am happy about. Sounds like a blog topic for tomorrow!