So, like most of my other blogs, this one has to do with finding a new place to live, which is our current conundrum. I have never looked so extensively to find a decent place to live, it is exhausting me to the core. There are some limitations to what we are looking for that we simply cannot give in on and we're not being unrealistic. I find the biggest issue, which really isn't an issue, is that most place say no pets. This is actually illegal, at least in the city we live in. Landlords cannot refuse pets, it's a right of tenants that they have. That being said, I wouldn't want to get into a place that doesn't want pets only to have the landlord be pissed and we get crap service from then on out. Neither are we getting rid of our cats (like one messed up crazy old lady suggested to me) Um NO, Milo and Charlie are just as much a part of our family as Ty and Jacob. We aren't going to get "rid" of them like moldy bologna. We treat our cats better than some parents treat their kids, sad but true. Plus, most say due to allergies they don't want pets...well if we are in a self contained apartment does it really matter? No. The other issue is price. I know landlords are in the landlording business to make money but seriously, charging 1200 for a one bedroom house just because it is in an older home in an older area...it doesn't justify ripping people off. The problem we are having is we need more space which means going up to a two bedroom (I've given up hope on finding a three bedroom in our price range) but it seems taking the leap from one bedrooms, which are around 700-800, means going up to above 1000, all we need is an extra room and most places are going to charge us 200 more for an extra room? Sorry mom and dad, maybe we can enclose the unsafe porch for you guys and you can have room out there, you'll have to share it with the kids though.
I also am biased against living in a large apartment building. My reasons are justified. I have ALWAYS had problems living in buildings, I have had tremendous problems with very noisy neighbours (to the point the police were called many many times) I have had problems with neighbours above me leaving their sink running and it over flowed and leaked down into our apartment. I had an issue with a landlord forgetting to lock my door after they came in and I was robbed. I have had problems with people leaving gross disgusting nasty things in the hallways that I have to walk by, people making the elevator get stuck, people smoking in the hallway and having it come into my apartment (we have this problem currently with the guy downstairs) people having kids run up and down the halls at all hours of the night. The more people you cram into a large cement building the more problems there are, which is why I would like to avoid a building at all possible costs (though I have looked because we are running out of resources)
Maybe this time of year is not the time to be looking to move. Maybe I should have looked sooner, maybe come spring more things will come available but I can only take being here so much longer. It has started to seriously affect my respiratory health. I have a bad cough, sore throat, headaches, sniffles and dizzy feelings but it is only when I am at home. Stephen is okay but it's because he is gone most of the day. Even the cats are suffering too with sneezing and being sick. I try to take where we live with a grain of salt, I made it feel more like a home and sure it looks cute and comfy but the under lying health problems are getting serious. I try to find the humor in house hunting but there is none. I started looking well over a year ago and I am kicking myself for passing up some great opportunities. We weren't ready at the time emotionally but now more than anything, I wish they would come back up because I have not found anything else. I am determined though...I will not give up for the health of my family. I will trudge on through the mucky waters of house hunting, praying something we can afford opens up, someplace we can make a home and someplace most importantly we can breath in safely. Someplace free of mouse poop and horrible slippery stairs....someplace I'll be able to write happy blogs because I feel great due to clean fresh healthy air. Speaking of health, my heart test today went fine, the unexplained chest pain is not heart related. But someplace where I can start to write about the great things happening in our lives because they surely will not happen while we are here. I can't wait until I have other things to write about other than jobs and houses...man those will be some good blog days...if only they would get here soon!
Oh and your not boarding Wortley Village if your over by Adelaide and Commissioners...just saying...your about 15 minutes from it, nice try though.
Oh and all inclusive means ALL inclusive, it doesn't mean you pay for hydro and heat separately, what part of all inclusive do you not understand?
Oh and if your trying to rent a place please include more in a description other than, bedroom, living room, kitchen, clean....I'm going to need a bit more info.
And lastly, please landlords understand that there are other people on London OTHER than students who are looking for places to rent.
I lied, one more thing...if you are going to post a rent sign outside of your house PLEASE make sure you put the right phone number on there and preferably not one that has been disconnected..it makes my life a bit easier. Thanks
What are all you going to do with your extra day of the year? I heard a lot of people do something special on Leap Year and treat it like a holiday. I plan on celebrating it by going to have a heart stress test done....yippee!!!!! I will be so glad to have it done and know if my chest pain is heart related or not....hoping for the later. I wonder if I get the results there, if they go to my doc who knows when I will hear the results. It was only because I called to schedule another appointment that she looked over my blood work...I knew my thyroid levels were off and they reported that they were but she never called me I had to call her so who knows how this heart thing will go.
I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning. My weight is going down a bit more. I was stuck for a month but in the last two weeks it's starting to pick back up. I am 5lbs away from loosing all of Jacob's weight, which was my goal before we tried again but if things keep going well with the weight loss I may even get through some of the 9lbs I had left over from Ty. I'm okay if I don't, loosing Jacob's 30 was my goal and anything above and beyond will be a nice treat. I'm not doing much different than I was so who knows what it is from...I don't mind though! Gives me more fuel to keep doing what I am doing and add a bit more and hopefully get these last 5lbs off in a month!
I don't think I mentioned that I started seeing a psychologist. My LTD insurance coordinator wanted me to see one and I agreed seeing one could only be helpful and I have to say, I think it really will be. I do not want to be on medicine but until I can cope and learn to cope and figure things out I'll need to be. I meet with her every week once a week. Our first few meetings were getting to know each other and next meeting will be more digging into my crazy messed up mind. She's a very insightful lady and she can already tell a lot about me by things I say and do (which isn't a lot, she just must be very smart and intuitive) I look forward to our next few meetings and hopefully getting to the root of some of the things holding me back from living on. I know there is only so much I can do (I can't control our finances in the aspect that we know what's happening) but if I can figure out ways to cope and hopefully plan for some of the impending struggles Stephen and I will be going through to make sure I don't take a dive off the deep end and end up in bed. There is a lot coming our way and I don't want it to set me back but I think seeing her will help learn how to deal with some of those things.
Okay back to apartment hunting, our budget is shrinking due to Stephen's work situation so finding a place is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack!
I swear, it has poured on us for over a year now. As if loosing the boys wasn't hard enough, we've taken a huge hit financially and it couldn't come at a worse time. We NEED to move, let me stress the NEED. There is no way to control the mouse problem in our house because of the way it was built, however many 100's of years ago that was. This house is causing me to be ill and now it's all adding up. Stephen was not offered the permanent position. They said they are keeping him on to do other work but that there will be about 3 months out of the next 10 where he won't have many hours so I don't know what we are going to do. It's great that he has impressed them enough that they want to keep him around and he wants to stick around but financially it puts us in more of a bind then we already are and that's not taking into account that we HAVE to move. I simply cannot return to work full time anytime soon. I am not ready, I'm barely able to work on getting back there even for an hour. I just wish something good would happen to us. I'm so tired and exhausted of all this crap, all this worrying, all this stress. We've worked our butts off, we both have University degrees, we had a plan, we had hopes and dreams and since October 14th, 2010 our world has been hell. We have not been able to catch a break.
The worst part is, I'd suck up my pride and ask for help but we "make too much" according to the government. They only give money to low lifes who do nothing but sit around smoking, drinking and doing drugs and doing absolutely nothing to try and find a job. Maybe that's a bit harsh but it is reality. People who are educated, doing everything they can to better their lives, trying to find employment and are just temporarily struggling are not offered any help. It makes me frustrated and angry. I'll be the first to say it, I want a break, I want something to be done for us. I'm tired of struggling and trying to make it work. We are trying out hardest but the reality of life keeps biting us in the butt. I just hate it so much....I can't wait until the day I can write a good blog...a happy blog...something positive...but I'm sorry followers, crabby, frustrated, angry Jessica will be around for a while more. Unless a miracle happens but I'm starting to think those don't actually happen. I really feel like Job today.
If I'm not on for a few days it is because I am frantically trying to look for a new place to live so I can start to get better. Staying here is just going to prolong this illness it is causing me. I'm done being exhausted so much that I can't keep my eyes open, being dizzy, warm, sore, achy, fever like, nauseous and all the other things it is causing me. Here's to PRAYING when I get back on and write I can report some good news.....doubtful but hey a girl can pray can't she? I'd say hope but I have none left.
I am getting to the point where I am about to live in cardboard boxes over this place. We caught another mouse today and there is mouse poop everywhere. I don't know how long he has been avoiding the traps but by the amount of poop I'd say a few days. I am beyond tired of cleaning up mouse poop and I'm really starting to think having cleaned up so much it has made me ill. I have been generally feeling "under the weather" for a few months now. Of course at first I thought it was grief, then I thought it was my thyroid but now that those are both kind of being taken care of and I still feel like crap I'm starting to think it is this house. It just fuels my fire to find us a new place to live. We don't ask for much and we're starting to give in on our lists of must haves. We'd like 2-3 bedrooms (or a 2 bedroom with a finished basement or den to use as a guest room) laundry, smoke free units, no stairs outside (or not as many as ours and not wood) free of mold, free of mice and all inclusive or rent + utilities all for under $1000. Oh and we'd prefer on the west side of London because we work, go to church and the boys are here (this is one we may have to change)
There just seems to be nothing out there. I get it that the point of being a landlord is too make money but aren't there some nice people out there who have just retired and moved into a smaller place and want to help those with less a bit? Aren't there still people like that left in the world? Maybe I'm crazy, I mean I know I am but really, it has been over a year of apartment hunting. I have looked at apartments in houses, at houses, at townhouses, at semi-detached...you name it I've looked. I looked at two last year and am kicking myself we didn't take the opportunity because both would be exactly what we are now looking for. But the fact of the matter is, we need to move. This house is unhealthy and not safe. It (I'm pretty sure) is causing me to be ill when nothing else can be explained. All this mouse poop and mold has gotten the better of my body when it is already down and out and I can't take much more. It's very frustrating to not have found a place yet. We really do not ask for much, I didn't think my lists of needs were unreasonable I guess it's just timing. I just wish somehow we could find a solution....of course if we had more money it wouldn't be an issue but we do not have $1200-$1800 a month to put down on a place and not even have it include utilities. We may be rich in love but we are not rich financially.
Another frustration and I can't be really frustrated because it is my own doing, but my weight loss is moving at a turtles pace. Given, I don't do a whole lot but I have changed my eating, my thyroid is getting back on track and I move as much as I can throughout the day. I was stuck for 4 weeks but have lost 1lb in the last week. I really was hoping come March 5th I'd had lost all 30lbs I gained with Jacob. I guess if I did a lot more I could have made that possible but I'm so tired. My weight is coming off and it will I just don't know if it will all be gone before we decide to try again.
Speaking of trying again, I think God was telling me today that April is a good time. I told him we'd have to talk to the doctor first and make a decision before anything happened but it's the beginning of lent. Our homily today was about Noah's Ark and I find so much hope in that story. It shows that God does bring rainbows after you weather the storms. Lent is about new beginnings, new creations of God....I can't think of a more perfect message about the timing of trying again then today's homily. I don't know if our priest knows he pretty much sent a message directly from God to me but he did. I like the idea...but we'll see. We've pretty much decided we do want to try again but there is a lot we have to figure out first (I do not want to have to bring a child into this unhealthy and unsafe home so I PRAY somehow we find the money and place to move) and Stephen needs to figure out his job as do I. But, unlike before, if I don't loose all Jacob's weight and only have like 3 lbs left to go I think I'd be okay. I do want to be as healthy as possible and maybe that will give me more motivation to get off my butt the next few months. I won't have a problem if I find some energy. I don't know what it is but I have been exhausted lately. All I want to do is sleep, maybe it is the stress of finding and searching for our next home, maybe it's not enough vitamins, not enough sleep, not enough whatever....all I can do is pray.
I can pray for a permanent job for Stephen, I can pray that we find a new place to live that we can afford, I can pray for health, I can at least pray. I can ask others to pray for us and if anyone in London knows of a place to rent, let us know! This searching is getting hard. I should say that I am not fond of being in apartment buildings I have had issue after issue with them and prefer to be in a house apartment, townhouse, semi-detached or house and maybe that is one reason it's harder to find a 2-3 bedroom place but from experience I don't want to have to deal with being in a building. Or, if you own a home in London and are moving, consider renting it! Being a landlord is a great investment....hey I have to try right?
We were at our churches Shrove Tuesday pancake dinner last night and we had to hang around to set up for a workshop today. As we were waiting for all the other people to finish a little guy named Andrew, who we see all the time, was standing out with us playing with some toys. Stephen turned to me and said "How old is he" and at that very moment the tears just welled up in my eyes and said "He's Ty" I meant he was Ty's age and Stephen knew that but it hit me. I stood there for quite some time just staring at him thinking about how Ty would be at that age......I'm just glad the little girl who is Jacob's age wasn't there, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Age has never really bothered me before but the last few weeks it has been. I look at the two boys Ty's age and the little girl Jacob's age and I wonder....I wonder how my boys would be, what they would look like, how crazy our house would be. I wonder if we would have moved by now, we would have HAD to, there would be no room. I wonder where we would have moved too, would we have lucked out and got into a house because we would have both been able to work and afford it. I wonder what milestones my boys may have been lagging on, I wonder what it would feel like to rock them to sleep and just sit and admire their beauty. I wonder what it would feel like to look into their eyes and feel nothing but love. I wonder what it would feel like to be up all night with crying babies and being so tired from love, not sorrow. I wonder how I would react to exploding diapers up the arms...of how Stephen would react. I wonder how the boys would interact with each other. I miss them so damn much.
Ever since Saturday I have been sad, I've been teary eyed. Lots of good things have been happening but I am terribly missing the boys. I am wondering if my medicine has set in and I now need a higher dose. Given, I am still able to function so it's not horrible, I just go around crying a lot but I have every reason to cry. I had a great day mail wise today, I received my embroidered blanket with the boys footprints (pic below) 2 more dangles and the boys circular hearts and names. My parents are also coming up this weekend and I really look forward to their visit. I really miss them and wish somehow we could work it out so they could move back sooner rather than later. But, at least they are only a few hours away and all it takes is a phone call. I need my mom here to be my walking buddy. I like to walk but not by myself, I need a buddy. It's also easier to be around people who get it, who share our pain, our tears, our sorrow, our joy, our love and our lives. I pray God gives us the chance to make it happen soon!
Betsy decided to work again today so we got a lot of items sewn. I hope to get some more done tomorrow too. My goal is to have two loads worth to wash by mid-next week and head to the laundry mat. I have to go to the laundry mat, it's just easier so I plan on going, scrubbing down the machines and running an empty cycle before I put the blankets in, it should cut down on all the icky stuff that may be left over and I can make sure it does not affect the material so it will still be nice and soft and baby friendly (I use baby friendly soap) Sometimes sewing is therapeutic....most of the time unless Betsy decided to take a vacation without prior notice. She will be getting a new partner soon, A Mr. Serge will be making his way into her life in the up coming weeks (Thanks SO much to my Aunt Karen for her offer to let me have hers) I cannnot wait to begin sewing things using him and seeing what else I can create. It will really let me expand what I can make and also make things more professional looking as well (now if I can figure out how to take nice pictures)
Just a short update, I'm going to go snuggle with my boys blanket, if the cats are willing to give it up....
My boys blanket thanks to Butterfly Kisses
My furbabies had to give the boys blanket some snuggles too
As you run through the house chasing each other with your crazy antics, I sit and remember the day I brought both of you home and our lives since. I sit and thank God for blessing me with the two best cats a crazy cat lady could ever ask for. Milo, my sweet little guy, so loving, so proper and just down right adorably cute! Charlie, my crazy, energetic, going to break a leg but cute all at the same time. I cannot imagine my life without you two. You make getting up worth while. You provide us with so much entertainment (especially Charlie) and unconditional love whenever we seek it.
Charlie you keep us on our toes with your many escapes through the front door and even one out the window, making me hang half way out the window to get you, I can only imagine what people driving by thought. You tear around the house like no tomorrow, you talk more than most people I know. You whine for food and attention and pester the frogs. You bite when you know we have a treat for you and you want it now! Even though you bug Milo at times we have caught you also sharing the same bed or cuddling together for warmth. There is also the occasional time when you clean Milo. As I write this you are in the other room pleding with dad to give you food, walking by your food bowl and flopping down on the floor like you are dying of starvation when you ate an hour ago. I love that you are our alarm clock at 7am and will do everything in your power to make sure we are up, scratching whatever it is you can find, whining or even the occasional bite to the nose or forehead. When people sit you fill their laps, you love attention and you are most certainly a daddy's boy through and through. I love how you always come running into the kitchen anytime someone is in there with the thought in mind that they are in there to specifically get you treats (when that's rare) You get into the kitchen sink to eat scrapes because we know better then to leave them on the counter. You steal while chicken wings, sandwiches and pieces of meat off our plates when we turn our head for only a second. I love that you come running to the door every time we come home, like you were so sad we were gone and are so excited to see us. I waited a few months to bring you home, I had my eye on you for awhile and once I took the plunge I knew it was the best decision. It took us some time to get use to each other but our live has grown into a beautiful relationship. You are truly a part of our family and I am so thankful that no one else looking at the ARF website snatched you up before we could. Bringing you into our family was the perfect addition and we thank God for you everyday. All your crazy antics make us laugh, a lot, everyday. Not a day goes by where you don't do something funny or cute and all we can do is laugh.
My Milo, we have been through so much together. From the day I picked you up almost 7 years ago until now. You are such a trooper and you will always have a special place in my heart. I found you on the side of a road on a horse farm, so flea ridden and tiny. I took you in not knowing what I was going to do. We went through so much the first few years with all your illnesses, UTI's after UTI's and side effects from the medicine. Allergies, Asthma and Arthritis, which still all plague you today but we have finally found a way to make all of them comfortable for you. Monthly vet visits to get your "allergy shots" move after move, new apartment and new people for quite a few years in a row. A trip to grandma and grandpas to play with your kitty cousins. Our struggles with peeing on the bed issues and the numerous times you have run through the pain tray then proceed to run through the house (on grandma and grandpas brand new floors) Through it all you have been my sweet loving little boy. Always needing snuggles and being a true Mama's boy. Learning that I was going to pick you up and give you hugs and kisses and just letting me do it instead of running away, let me get it over with because you knew at some point I'd get you. Your adorable, cute little curly tail. Your precious "old man" spots. The way you get crazy when you want to play, tearing up the place, chasing string, playing under the covers, perhaps even chasing Charlie. And who can forget your love for the shower faucet. Only you would require such standards that you refuse to drink out of a bowl, instead you splash around and play in it unless you get your shower water. The way you paw at us in the morning to get up and turn on your water. The way you ever so softly meow (though you are learning good big boy meows from Charlie) You were my first true love, followed by many but you will always hold that special place in my heart. I love the way you have to hold your tail when you clean it. I love that you sleep between daddy and I at bed time and before he came along, you had your bed right beside me and slept beside me every night. I love that you wake up in the morning when we wake up and you require some snuggles before we're allowed out of bed. You know the coziest and safest places in the house and I know during the winter you can be found next to the heater (as with Charlie) I love that you do not pester the frogs or I don't have to worry about you getting up on the counters. But even all of that does not compare to the love and acknowledgement you show for Ty. I know you can see him in our house and I love that you let me know when he's around. I knew you we're very special the day I picked you up and washed out all your fleas. My free kitty was anything but free but it is the best money I have ever spent.
Both of my furbabies are the best decisions I have made. They offer us so much love and entertainment. I can't imagine them not being in our lives, I simply cannot. They love I have for them is so great, they are more than our cats, they truly are a part of our family. Here is too my two fur loves. May you live long happy fun-filled lives with lots of catnip and Tuna. May you enjoy the days of the windows being open where you sit for hours in the sun and watch the birds and squirrels. You will always be fed before we eat, you will always be loved and cared for and we will never get rid of you. You will always have a home. Our home. You both know you run it anyways. Everything we do, we do for you. I love you so much Milo and Charlie and all the other 200 nicknames we have for you!
My favourite picture of Moo, this is one where he is looking up at Ty.
Choo Man...this pictures really shows how he is!
My sweet baby furboys, love them SO much!
I don't know what it was about yesterday but I had a very sad day. I had tears in my eyes all day. It could be hormone related I guess, but whatever it was really set me off. I just couldn't shake it. Even the day before I felt...different. Today I'm back to normal, or what I define as my new normal. Given, my sewing machine Betsy did not co-operate with today's plans. I had two big piles of burp cloths to sew and I got through 5....Betsy kept throwing fits so I finally gave up, took her apart and gave her a good oiling. She worked okay after that but I fought with her all day I didn't have it in me to finish my huge pile...maybe tomorrow.
However, as my frustration grew (this is not the first time it has happened) my husband informed me that for Mother's Day Betsy will most likely be replaced with a Betsy 2.0. This excites me! I'm not going to get a cheap $70 one either (I guess I got what I paid for) She's done well the last year and maybe will do okay for small jobs but I'm a sewing mama now, I need reliable good machines. Serge will have to wait but if I can get something a bit better than Betsy I will be pleased. Sewing has really become therapeutic for me and I love to learn and teach myself new things. I'm still at the basics but I hope to start soon on pj pants and other clothes.
So back to yesterday....I had a sad day and the boys obviously knew I was having a sad day because on our way our of Superstore (which we're in like every other day) we always pass the flowers and they never have carnations. Well yesterday they not only had white they had yellow and only one bouquet of each. The significance of yellow and white carnations: Ty is buried with white and we had them as our wedding centre piece in memory of him and Jacob is buried with yellow. It was like their little way of saying hi mommy, have a better day. Of course I bought them and I stand and smell them all day long. I was just shocked on all the days we have gone past the flower section and they NEVER had any colour of carnations, they had 3 bunches left and two of them were the boys colours. I just know they were from my boys.
They've also been sending signs of future babies. I have gotten so many Noah signs lately but strangely, when I dream, I dream about Matea and having a little girl. I hope this is not the boys way of telling us we'll end up with twins. I'll be fine if it is but all I care about is bringing home a healthy, living, breathing baby. I think we are going to push back our 6 month check up. We're no where near ready to even take that on. I'm still dealing with loosing the baby weight, my thyroid refuses to settle down and I have to have my stress test. I also need to get back to work before any plans of a baby are made. We also need to know if Stephen has a permanent job or not....and I'd really LOVE to be able to move if we can find the money to afford it. Give me a day or two and I'll post a picture of reason #67 we need to move...I'll give you a hint....squirrel in the living room. This is going to be epic when he chews his way through!
Alright, even though I don't want to I should get back to sewing, I have a ton of burp cloths left to sew.....
Flowers from my boys
Pile of burp cloths I had to do and temperamental Betsy to the left
The best way to spend a Saturday afternoon...snuggling with my Choo
I know I have mentioned this before but it is something that really bothers me and I have yet to figure out how to deal with or balance it. How do I fairly and equally grieve both of my boys? I often find myself thinking about one and than I will feel guilty and want to think of the other but than I feel I'm thinking too much about the other. It's a tough act to balance. I feel really guilty because we have so much more to remember Jacob by and more people acknowledge him because we shared our journey with him.
I found myself wondering the other day what boy it was that certain things happened in pregnancy. My mind is so jumbled I couldn't even remember what boy it was that I was addicted to plums. I remember Ty was my fruit and veggie baby and Jacob was my cherry jolly ranchers and rice cakes baby. But Jacob was also my queso baby, my cheese whiz baby, my egg baby, my red meat baby. I remember so much more about him, maybe because with him I didn't have horrible morning sickness like I did with Ty and could actually eat a lot more but still, I don't remember what it was with Ty that I liked specifically. I'm really glad I wrote it down in his baby book so I can at least go back and look over it. I think I need to take some time to go over both and reacquaint myself with what boy liked what.
I feel guilty that we have so many more pictures of Jacob and we have one of Ty. I've tried to make nice pictures with the ones we have of Ty and do some photoshop with my holding him but I'm not good at it and I can't seem to find anyone who can do them for me. I feel guilty that we have Jacob's hair and hand and foot molds in addition to his footprints. All we have of Ty is his footprints. I feel guilty that when people ask me how I am doing and say "oh it's only been 5 months" they seem to forget or not mention that in fact it really has been 16 months. I lost Ty 16 months ago and Jacob 5 but just because I've lost Jacob more recently does not mean I'm not grieving for Ty. In fact I am only now able to start grieving for him, to feel the guilt.
I will never be able to forget how bad I felt for not having Ty in the room with us the whole time we were at the hospital. I don't know where he was and I think it's unfair that Jacob was treated with so much more love. We stayed with him, we bathed him, he was never left alone and once he passed he was always in someones arms. I feel so guilty that Ty didn't get any of that. We loved him just as much but I don't feel we respected his little body in the same way. Than when I start thinking about that I think that if we hadn't done all that for Jacob I'd be left feeling horrible as well. We had so much guilt with Ty that we did everything we possibly could with Jacob (though I do still have some regrets) but even than, it's caused more guilt too that Ty didn't get the same love.
Everytime I get something for one of the boys I have to get it for the other. I know they are different, they were individuals but I feel it is unfair to get something for Ty and not Jacob or vice versa. I feel guilty that it is much easier to find bears and blue butterfly's (Ty) than it is to find sunshine and sweetpeas. I feel guilty that because we made every moment of Jacob's pregnancy known we have so many more memories. We took Ty's for advantage and I wish I hadn't but we didn't know. No matter how many times people tell me "you did the best" it will never make me feel better. I know I did the best I could at the time but that does not ease the guilt one bit. I will live with guilt the rest of my life. I will live with guilt that I'm not respectfully grieving both of my boys equally. I feel guilty that Ty's birthday us October 15th, which also happens to be perinatal and infant loss remembrance day. So when we celebrate his birthday others make think we are just recognizing he was a perinatal loss but that with Jacob he has his own day, he doesn't have to share it with every baby gone too soon.
I feel guilty that Jacob's memory box has so much more than Ty's, that his shadow box has more than Ty's. I feel guiltily if I always blow kisses to one before the other at the cemetery. I try to change it up each time but than I feel guilty that Ty was first and I feel he should be acknowledged first. He's not remember as much as Jacob is. I feel guilty that Jacob is buried in a very warm outfit and Ty is not. I feel guilty that Ty is buried wrapped in his grandma's love in the way of a crocheted blanket but Jacob only has a small knitted square because I could not finish it in time (though I had plenty of time). There is so much guilt with multiple losses in the sense that it is very hard to feel you are equally and fairly grieving each loss. It is something I will always have to live with unless I can figure it out or be okay acknowledging one more than the other at times but even that will take a long time. It just adds to the stress of grieving.
Speaking of stress, Stephen's job...well now he doesn't know. He is waiting to hear if he gets a promotion or not but chances are we will not hear for a few weeks so year again our lives hang in the balance (or whatever that saying is, I can't think of it at the moment) I just wish we knew what was going on so I could focus less on worrying about how we will pay bills and more about getting myself back on a routine. I wish somehow we could afford to get into a house so I wouldn't have to worry about being stuck in a place we really need to get out of. For some reason our neighbour downstairs has started smoking inside and it comes up into our apartment. I have really bad asthma (this house is like a death trap for me) and it is not good for me. I do not want to bring a baby into a house where it will be exposed to second hand smoke. There are so many reasons we need to move but we can't afford it. All our savings for a down payment have been spent on bills because we haven't been able to work. Our work history is now inconsistent (according to a mortgage company) because we've been off trying to deal with our grief. Things just add up against us and those who experience loss. As if loosing a baby isn't unfair enough we are dealt with so much more than we should have to worry about. But, life is unfair, there is no easy way out, no matter how tired and depressed one is we have to live on.
I just pray in a few months I can start to write more positive posts, I pray good things start to happen, things turn around for us. I pray Stephen gets offered the promotion and somehow we find enough money to move into a house (and it won't be the lottery because we do no play) maybe God will bless us somehow. He knows what we need and I hope he does provide. We don't ask for much and I am very thankful we do have a roof over our head but there is so much negativity attached to our apartment I don't think it is healthy for us to continue to be here, not to mention we do not need anymore falling down the stairs incidents. I don't like posting about bad things only but honestly, that's where we are right now. We have been here 16 months and do not see a break in sight. Maybe in time there will be, I mean there has to be right? We can only take so much, I can only take so much before I shut down even more and really don't get out of bed.
And since this is already a novel I will end it here....I do want to say that I am incredibly thankful and blessed and I cannot thank God enough for bringing Charlie and Milo into our lives. Those furbabies keep us entertained and loved more than we could ever ask.
There have been many times where I remember my dreams the next morning though most of the time they are crazy. For example, one time I had a dream that Milo and I went back to live with my parents and they have bought a pet Ostrich and it would not let Milo come out from under the bed....(see crazy) Even if my dreams are crazy and I remember them they aren't usually very vivid. It doesn't really feel like it's happening, almost like I know it's a dream. Last night I had a dream and it actually felt real, it felt believable like it was really happening. I dreamed that Stephen and I had our little girl whose name was Matea Faith (if we have a girl that will be her name) We we're bringing her to a restaurant with my parents to meet up with my dads' Kellogg hockey team. To give you some context. Every year in February Kellogg's has a hockey tournament for teams from Canada and one from the US (all Kellogg employees) Every year after the games they always go out to eat at a bar type restaurant. In my dream we we're meeting up with his hockey team and we brought Matea with us. The dream was so real, nothing in it was fabricated and for those few moments I felt it was really happening. I can't help but wonder if that means we will have a little girl in our lives by next February (obviously it won't be this February as the tournament is only two weeks away and we have not done anything to adopt a child or try to get pregnant) and towards the end of the dream there was something about a little boy named Noah.......I guess we will wait and see what the next year brings....I can only hope we truly get to bring a baby home.
In other news...I think I need to take a break from the whole God thing. I do not understand his plan, none of our prayers are being answered and we continue to suffer. Stephen is pretty sure he did not get the permanent job and I have no idea why. They all love him, love his work ethic, he has worked his butt off since November getting things done well ahead of schedule and they all like working with him so why not offer him the job? I don't know, it's stupid and it pisses me off because now we are screwed. I'm not ready to go back to work and who knows how long it will take him to get a job in this economy it may take months and since he used up his EI while we were off with Jacob he doesn't qualify. I fail to see this is part of God's plans. Nothing good ever happens, we never get a break, it's bad thing after bad thing, more suffering after more suffering and if this is in God's plan then I'm not happy with him and I need a break. Why couldn't they just offer him the job? We definitely cannot afford to move now, despite needing too, but because come next month we will have no income from Stephen and bare minimum from me we are stuck with the mold and second hand smoke on top of the no heat on cold days. Seriously though, if this is God's plan than I am not happy and it is hard to trust when nothing good seems to happen for us. Why must we suffer more? I'm so tired and exhausted. I just want a break. I want to know things are going to be okay but they never seem to be. I can't heal and grieve and work on stress when two of the biggest stressors seem to have no answer. I just want good things to start happening to us. I pray they do...or maybe I don't pray because none of our prayers ever get answered so who knows. I have a feeling I will have to increase my happy pill dosage, I was hoping to go off of it but now I have even more anxiety....
I thought I would share links to two of my favourite blogs that I read daily (or as often as they post).
The first one I found shortly after we were given Jacob's diagnosis. I spent hours upon hours reading about Bi-Lateral Renal Agensis and stumbled across Sadie Mae's blog. Her mommy Hannah and I have become good friends (and I hope to one day drive down and visit her and her family in person!) I find her blogs inspiring, not only because of her loss but because she is also spiritual and it helps me re-look at my situation in a more spiritual way. They are currently in the process of adopting a very special little girl (whom they lovingly refer to as Roly Poly) so please pray that their adoption goes through soon. They also foster children and are just such wonderful, caring people.
The second one I actually found through Sadie Mae's website. Hannah received an award and passed it onto other small bloggers and this site was one of her recommendations. It is about a family who adopted two children with down syndrome. Pudge and Biggie have made their way into my heart and I love hearing the updates. Their mother writes with humor and just the way she views her life is so inspiring. I have always been one to say I would never end my child's life because they have down syndrome. Heck, I wish Ty and Jacob had it instead of dying but her blog really shows how loving and rewarding children with special needs are. She writes about the challenges but you can tell how much love she has for her two "squibs". I highly recommend reading it, I know Pudge and Biggie will make their way into your hearts as well.
So onto how humorous God is. Nobody EVER comes to our door, with the rare exception of the Jehovah's for Stephen, I mean nobody. We live on the second floor of a house and the stairs up here look like a scene from Freddy, nobody is willing to take the risk and climb them, especially in the winter...or so I thought. Today is sunny so it put me in a relatively okay mood and I felt really motivated to clean out the dreaded storage closet (and by the way 6 bags of garbage so far, can't donate most because it has been ruined by the mice, good thing I have no attachments to material objects and that's only from about 1/3 of it AHHHH) So anyways, I was cleaning out the storage closet and I heard a knock at my door and thought, of all days....turns out it was the UPS man...I can't really explain the look on his face...oh I should tell you what I'm wearing. I decided on a fashionable garbage bag to go over my clothes with matching pink flower rubber gloves that go all the way up my arms and a mask. So I thought okay funny ha ha God, of all days....I go back to cleaning and a little while later my neighbour from downstairs comes up...really? Really? You think you are so funny. Needles to say I am sure there are now two people in this world who think I have lost my mind. At least the mouse crap is going away and we have plenty of room now because all of the stuff in there was ruined. I should mention, we also have been mouse free for two weeks....crossing my fingers we will not have a problem like we did this year! Though, everything is now in plastic bins so they shouldn't be able to destroy much.
I have come to the conclusion that next time we are close to bringing a baby home we will need a new bassinet and pack and play. Many may wonder where this came from so I'll tell you. A few days ago I was looking for something and happened to be looking under the guest bed, where the current bassinet and pack and play are. Obviously I saw it as I was looking for something by it....and seeing it made me stop in my tracks and think and I have been thinking ever since. That bassinet has held so many hopes and dreams and twice now it has been set up only to be taken down without being used. It has never felt the weight of a baby, it has never felt the joy of holding onto precious life and I sat there staring at it thinking.....there is no way in hell I can use that bassinet if we are so lucky to bring a baby home. I simply can not do it. I can not set that stupid thing up again only to have it put away with ever being used. Sure, I may not know if it won't be used but the idea of what it represents, I just can't do it. The bassinet and the pack and play are the only things I have issues with using again. Maybe it's because I have set them up and taken them down so many times it pisses me off that they've never been used....I don't know but all I do know is Stephen and I will be on the look out for a new bassinet and pack and play (doesn't have to be new I meant new to us) We aren't in need of one and won't be any time soon but I just had to get it out that there are certain things I simply can not deal with anymore and the bassinet and pack and play are one of them. I kind of feel the same way about the car seat but it was expensive so I know we'll stick to using the one we have. I also didn't have to wake up for 16 months and stare at the car seat so it's not as bad. But I did have to wake up for 16 months and stare at the bassinet and pack and play and now seeing that stupid design on it, with the matching sheets I got for it....I just can't do it. Instead of filling it with a little one, our dreams, our hopes and our future I was left filling it with sympathy cards, bears that were to represent our boys, their photos, their socks and hats that they never wore nor would wear and a lot of tears. I hope it makes someone else as happy and excited as it made us except I hope they get to put their hopes and dreams into it. It's pretty lonely but I can't stand looking at the stupid animal design anymore.
And on a completely different note because I am impressed, the pork-chops I made tonight deserve an award...seriously, they are restaurant worthy. I'm not kidding, I will SO be making them again!
Lastly, check out Tycob's Boutique on facebook, it is up and running! I also created a special line for rainbow babies....still working on something for baby loss mamas but each of my items are named after an angel. I'm excited I was finally able to get things up and running and now I can spend more time on lovingly creating new items to add.
Mental health is something a lot of people feel they need to hide. They feel it's a shame to struggle and not have total control over your mind. Mental health is something that is in my family and up until now I didn't fully understand it. Mental health is such an issues in our society. The government spend so much money on people with mental health, actually no, they do NOT spend enough on people with mental health and I know this from experience. I am not ashamed that I have had to go on medication, that I have had to see counselors, social workers, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. I will never hide the fact that I searched out help because it is not something I should feel ashamed about. I have gone through a live altering change and just as I was coming out of that, I was hit with another. What I use to know and think are gone, they have been wiped from my mind. Everything is gone. How do I cope with all of this new stuff that I've never had to deal with before? How do I learn to handle my anxiety and my sob fest? How do I learn to love myself again because loosing the boys has done a number to my self esteem. There are people out there who help people in my situation but there are a lot of problems with getting help. Firstly, the "free" help we get does nothing. For example, seeing my counselor, we only get 4 free visits. Seeing the psychiatrist is free but he is only there 15 minutes every month to see how I am doing on my meds. Once you leave the hospital they have no interest in you so no appointments with social workers is possible. This leaves one with having to pay for help. Um...don't know about anyone else but not having worked for a year, yeah I can't afford to pay for help. Not only that, even the paid help is hard to get into see. No one has reached out to help us, my help is only because I have sought it myself. It is only because I have pushed myself to seek the resources I need. Had I not had that motivation (like many do not) I would be falling into a deep dark hole I probably would never get out of. This is where there is a huge problem in mental health care. If the government would take the time to pay for more programs to actually help people (not just give them happy pills) then we wouldn't have so many people on the street, people who struggle every day and can't afford or don't have the motivation to look for resources.
My mental health may only be "situational" as everyone keeps saying but I have no doubt that it will be life long. How could my mental state ever go back to what it was? What if we go through another pregnancy and have another loss? Or, if God blesses us, what if we bring a child home? You don't think my self esteem that has been shot will be tested time and time again. I will always worry even more than I did before. I will protect more than I should and worry that it's affecting my children in a negative way. I will never forget my Ty and Jacob. I will never forget the horror and pain I have experienced in the last year. My mental health is and always will be altered from this day forward, well, from October 14th, 2010 (the day we found out we lost Ty) forward. It isn't "situational", my severe depression may be "situational" but I will never be the same. For the rest of my life my mental health will always be an issue. It is only because I have the motivation to go look for help that I am not in bed every single day. It is only because I have reached out that I am able to get up every morning. But even then, my resources are very limited by government funding. I'm very thankful to know I need help and to search for it and not be ashamed I am seeking help. I need it, I don't know how to get through this on my own. I've never dealt with such tragedy and just when I thought I was getting on with one I was struck with another. I can't pick up, I can't leave off where I started, it will never be the same. No amount of time will ever make things better. My mind will always be different. I can only pray that I am able to continue reaching out to resources that help and I am so very thankful for places like Bereaved Families (who are a free service) especially because they have been the most helpful. There's just something about being around people who get it. I am not ashamed of my mental health and neither should anyone else be. Don't let people stigmatize mental health. People with mental health issues happen to be very strong, smart, intelligent people who simply have gotten so tired from trying so hard to be strong. Many of them do not have the courage to seek out but I did. I know I need help and I have no shame in that. I refuse to let my mental health get the better of me because the government won't financially help me.
I sit in the bath surrounded by warmth, my feet finally starting to get some feeling. I sit and wonder about life as the tears fall silently down my cheeks. I dare not cry or sob loudly as I feel my husband has dealt with enough of my crying, as he may think, "she should be over crying by now" so I sit in my silent pain. A pain no other can share as each of us walk a different journey, we react differently, we feel differently, we cope differently, no one can understand my pain. Others can understand my situation and have their own level of pain but no one knows my pain. The pain I try to hide on a daily basis so I can try to "get on" living. It seems the world does not understand that I need space and time but that no amount of time will EVER take the pain away. It will always be there, no baby will EVER replace Ty or Jacob, no Holiday, birthday, first day of school, graduation, wedding or grand children will ever be the same. There will always be a sense of pain, a sense of my two little boys missing. As a mother with a loss, life will never be what I had hoped and dreamed and I know many of you can relate. I know many of you suffer in silence. Wanting so badly to hold your baby's again, to care for them, to love them, to nurture then. What you would give to have one more day with them, one more hour, one more minute. You put on that stupid fake smile we all put on, you hold your head high pretending like you are doing okay, you are coping but really, deep down you are falling apart and are scared you are loosing your grip on life.
I've been asking myself lately, what am I? Many of you may answer a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a mother, a wife, a friend but I do not see myself as some of those. My identity related to those "labels" does not fit what I feel. How can I relate to being a mother when, despite having carried life in me twice and physically holding my angels, I have nothing to show. When I am out in public I am sure people have no idea that I am a mother because I do not have my children with me, I do not talk about my children, when I walk past the baby section in any store I stop and think for a brief moment and bite my lip so the tears do not start to fall, when I go for ultrasounds that have nothing to do with babies I still cry and the techs have no understanding, they feel as helpless as I, when I see babies I smile but if you look deep into my soul, you would see the unbearable pain. I don't get to plan first birthdays, I don't get to plan first day of daycare. There are no "happy" days. How can I be identified as a mother when I have no one to "mother". Sure I go see the boys at the cemetery almost every day, I talk to them while at home, display their pictures proudly around the house, I have the c-section scar, the stretch marks, the memories but only I know that. I don't feel these fit the definition of a mother. I don't get to change diapers, clean spit up, have sleepless nights due to being awake with a sick baby, I don't get to wipe snotty noses, rock a baby to sleep or talk proudly about my baby's accomplishments. I may have two little boys, I may have spent 18 months doing everything I possibly could in the best interest of my boys but I do not feel I can be labeled as a mother.
How can I relate to being a wife when for the last 3 years I have known my husband (and only 9 of being actually married) I have been so deep in my grief that we have not formed as a couple. We may look like we are doing well and though we do support each other we are simply...us. I don't even know what we are. We love each other but showing that is hard. The worst part is knowing what we need to do to fix it, we need to put time and energy into getting to know one another again but where the hell do I find an extra ounce of energy at the moment? Some may say, if it's worth it you will find it. My husband is worth it but after burying my second son and having a thyroid that refuses to cooperate I am left struggling. I can't even take care of household things like I use to. We forget things because I am not organized enough to run this house. Our house is a mess because I can't seem to do much on a daily basis to clean. It's not that my husband won't help (sometimes he doesn't) but it's something I use to enjoy doing so we got use to it. But now I struggle. I use to enjoy cooking meals, going out on dates, traveling with him. We use to connect on our outings but when there are no more outings, or the outings involve a trip to the cemetery or doctor's appointments, how do two people connect? I know there are little things we can do at home and I try but when you are already so down and so tired that you can barely take care of yourself, how do you take care of someone else? How do I bring that spark back, it was there before but it has been gone so long we are struggling with how to get it back. I wish I had all the energy in the world so I could be a good wife, so we could re-connect and go places to re-discover who we are as a couple. I know there has to be more to us than "that couple who lost two little boys" or those "poor souls". I may have a ring on my finger and taken vows but I do not feel I can be labeled as a wife.
So what am I? I am a mess trying to make it in this chaotic world. A world in which I sit silently in my pain as the rest of it moves on.
I write this knowing most of you will read it. It has been about a year (I can't remember the exact day, it's a miracle if I remember what I have for breakfast) since we headed to that building on Wharncliffe Rd, we walked those stairs (or took the elevator because the stairs were closed when winter was actually winter) we opened that door, walked down the hall and into the room where 5 baby loss couples (minus a husband or two) who had dealt with such sorrow became a family. I can remember Stephen and I didn't attend the first meeting, fear struck me down on the idea of going to that meeting. The second week I got the courage and strength to go and it is then I met people I cannot imagine my life without. I think it goes to say, I wish we could have met under different circumstances, but I am very thankful to have each and everyone of you in my life (and I know Stephen is as well) We were all alone, walking the road of grief as sole survivors until a kind hearted lady set aside some time for us to find others to join our journey. We shared some of our deepest darkest feelings during the weeks we spent in that room, we cried, we laughed, we shared our angels.
Even as the meetings ended we still gathered during special times. Ruby's 2nd birthday picnic at the garden, the butterfly release, Jacob's birth and his funeral, welcoming miracle baby Anna into the world, new jobs, life moving on but no matter what, we know we always had people to rely on. People who just get it. People I find so much comfort in being around. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. The support you gave us through everything we dealt with Jacob was the best. The meals that were provided for a few weeks afterwords kept us going. The hours of pain I went through to have my boys footprints permanently placed on my body, the donuts that were eaten, the hot drinks that were shared, Thanksgiving, visits in the hospital (and one from a not so scary clown). It has been a year, a very long year for us but it's only because of you that we have and continue to make it through. Our angels will forever keep us together, a family I am so thankful for and proud to be apart of. I cannot express my gratitude for each and everyone of you, how each of you has helped us, carried us, loved us and supported us in all your own unique ways.
Even though we may not see each other every week like we did a year ago, know we are never far. We are always a phone call (or facebook message) away. I personally continue with my struggle but I know all of you understand and even though I am at a very different point in my grief journey, having you all by my side means a lot. Thank you for a wonderful last year, thank you for letting me cry when I needed to cry and crying a long with me. Thank you for letting me get to know your angels and make me feel I was anything but alone. Thank you for contributing to my life in many different ways. Thank you for remembering my boys. I look forward to the year ahead with you all and continue to hope and pray 2012 brings many wonderful things for all of us.
And to our future infant loss group, I look forward to getting to know each of your angels and becoming a family.
I must start by giving a shout out and thanks to the Penney's for hosting a very nice super bowl party. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and that's not a lie. I actually had a very nice time and its' been a while since that has happened. Great food, great company and extra awesome snuggles with Anna. I forgot how incredibly peaceful and relaxing it is to sit and hold a sleeping baby. I use to love doing it while working at the day care centres and missed it so much so it was nice to be able to enjoy doing that again tonight. Also, because the Penney's are so gracious, I was able to wash some of my mini-rag quilts. They turned out awesome! If anyone who reads this tries to make one I must advise, they make A LOT of lint so make sure you clean out the lint trap half way through drying.
Tonight was a good night..not bad, not okay but actually GOOD. I can't remember the last time I had a good day or night. Tonight was a victory for me, a step forward in my healing (and I'm sure a pound up from all the good food, as I sit here and write this I am having a slice of chili pizza) I didn't have the slightest bit of anxiety about meeting new people (there was a couple there we didn't know) and they turned out to be a very nice couple. I felt comfortable somewhere else other than our house. The fact that we were with two of our stillbirth families probably helped and even though I am back on the meds I think my body is adjusting because I've still been able to feel. I would say it was a huge success for me. I am also now a fan of chili pizza.
As I sat snuggling with Anna last night I realized two things. 1. I want a baby so badly! I want to be able to sit for hours and look into the eyes of MY child, to feed MY child, to change MY child (well Stephen's child too) but I know we are not ready. 2. I am absolutely terrified to now become a parent. I have grown up taking care of children, I was a nanny, a babysitter, went through University to be a teacher and worked at two different day care centres in the infant rooms. I have much experience taking care of children. I felt so prepared when we were expecting Ty, I had experience from the past and we took parenting classes. I was ready to be a mom. However, now when I sit and think about it I am terrified. I feel I will be incompetent. After everything that has happened, I feel like I failed as a mother and twice at that. I'm worried and question my future parenting skills. I'm scared I'll mess up and do something wrong. I question my ability to actually be able to parent and it makes me wonder if I even want kids anymore. Of course I do, but there won't be much excitement, there will always be fear. I will always wonder if I am doing things right, if I am handling things well, if my child will make it through my first year as a parent. I feel like if a 15 year old can step up and do it then I surely can. I still have all those years of experience but I also now have fear. In a sense I guess all first time moms may have that the only difference is next time I'll be a third time mom with no experience. The only experience I have is loss, it's all I know and it scares me. I know it has a lot to do with the self confidence issue and I'm working on that but it is very hard. I have a long way to go on that journey. But I do count today as a small miracle that I actually had a GOOD day.
Firstly, I realized today my fingers are fat. 6 months after Stephen and I met he gave me a "let's see where this goes and junk" ring (aka Promise ring) it was a size 3.45. Yes my fingers were TINY!!!! There is no way I am ever getting that ring back on any of my fingers. Fast forward two pregnancies...when we went to get my wedding ring we sized it at 5.5. I figured since I had lost some of Jacob's baby weight my fingers would be a bit smaller so today I bought a ring (see below for description) and it was a size 5....let's just say my fingers aren't what they use to be. They are still too fat for a size 5. I'll have to figure something else out.
We went out birthday shopping for me today. This was something I actually looked forward too, yes me, having emotions! It felt so surreal. Anyways, I was super excited to finally go to the natural store to get makeup (I have been eying it for months) so we walk in and I head right there only to realize, it's all gone! So I asked the cashier and she said they are re-modeling and it will be back next weekend...bummer right? Not really, I get to look forward to going our next Saturday again and getting a few more goodies. Plus it also gave me more time at the Christian book store. Stephen said I had to buy a new CD for the car because the one I play all the time was getting annoying...so I bought 3. Now he can't get annoyed for a while and I get to enjoy some awesome music while I'm in the car or at home. We also bought some books on believing during hard times, a few books about being a stronger couple, some self work books and of course I never leave that store without a kids book. Th reason I bought the kid's book I did is because the bears name in it is little cub (one of our nicknames for Jacob) so I had to get it. I also bought a onesie that says "I roll with Jesus" with a picture of a stroller on it to go along with the one I got awhile ago that says "Fruit of the Womb" with little fruits on it. All and all I'd say it was still a successful day of shopping even though we only hit one store and now I get to look forward to next Saturday to go back out and get a few more little things.
After we got home I decided to go for a walk since this nice spring day was just simply too beautiful to ignore. I know it's not really spring but I think mother nature forgot. I can't get over this amazing weather we are having. I would LOVE all winters to be like this, though now I am seeing global warming issues a bit more and I can't help but wonder what this weather is doing for the animals, especially those that hibernate. I ended up walking to the store to pick up some groceries to make goodies for tomorrows Super Bowl Party. We're heading over to some friends (Anna Banana's House) and I never go anywhere without bringing food along. I couldn't decide what to make so I made a cheeseball, a chocolate chip cheesecake ball and Reuben dip to go along with all the other stuff that will be there tomorrow. I ate super healthy and exercised a lot today so I can go crazy tomorrow and stuff my face full of good food and enjoy my time. I, again, am a bit excited, I feel excited, I look forward to going....maybe it is because we are going over to our friend's who also know what loss is like so I don't feel as alone, maybe it's because I'll get some more Anna snuggles in, I think being around people who get it is very comforting to me. I do believe if Anna was a boy I would have a lot harder time being around him, but she's not and I get to spend some time with wonderful people that mean so much to us and that we truly love! People we only met a mere year ago but have become such an important part of our lives (and others are included they just won't be here) I can't believe it has been a year since we met these people....we have learned so much, cried so much, loved so much, cared so much, supported so much and have been through so much with each other. I can't imagine not having these people in my life. I am truly thankful for all of them!
I just realized I never described the ring, it's sterling silver and if you hold it one way it says Spirit and if you hold it another it says Angels (obviously got it for the Angels side) and there are two saying inscribed on the inside. Keep on filling me with your spirit and (the reason I got it) He shall guard me with His angels. The reason I got it is because I go feel I am protected by angels, my angels. I now have to loose some more weight so it will fit and I guess to be healthy too. 1 month before I want to have lost all of Jacob's weight. 7 more lbs to go......then our 6 month checkup.
Ever since I started the medication I haven't cried. I don't think that's necessarily a good thing, after what I've been through one would expect me to cry. However, on Monday while I was at the doctors he asked me something and it actually provoked an emotional response. He asked me what I thought the root of my anxiety was, whether it be the grief over the boys or something else. I thought for a minute and responded with the boys and my self esteem. Having lost both boys has really done a number to my self esteem and he asked me to go into detail a bit more and tears started welling up in my eyes. It made me realize that I think the underlying problem of my anxiety (not my grief or sadness, that's obviously the boys) but my anxiety is my self esteem. Not only was that a break through for me but I actually felt emotion while being on the medicine. I stopped the next day but have since gone back on. I was off for 3 days (I was on the lowest possible dose so they said I should notice in a day or two) and during those 3 days I struggled. I felt so many emotions, so overwhelmed and so anxious. I decided it was best for me to go back on the meds until I get some more counseling. Having said that, I took them yesterday and today and I don't feel anxious but I have been able to feel other emotions. Maybe after 6 weeks my body was really starting to adjust to the meds so I'll stick with them a bit longer. I can't afford to freak out now, I can't afford for me to not be able to loose weight and I really think once my thyroid settles it may help some of the side effects.
I don't know about anyone else but reading these blogs sometimes gives me slight ADHD. I am ALL over the place but there is so much on my mind and now that I have a moment to realize it all.....I need to get it out! Speaking of out...we are heading out to get the frogs more water to upgrade them top a fancy penthouse instead of the small bachelor apartment. They are getting upgraded to so much more space they won't know what to do with themselves...I just hope it's not getting stuck on the filter. Plus we still have to clean the church...which means STARBUCKS treat...mmmmm....when we clean the church we always treat ourselves to Starbucks. Lately I have been getting the Shaken Iced Tazo Tea - Passion flavour (which is the tea I like hot too) and a marshmallow dream bar, given what I will be consuming tomorrow I will skip the dream bar this once.
Oh...did I mention Stephen fell down the stairs last week and hurt his arm pretty bad? God, do you hear that! We need a new place to live, please provide us with one. We've been patient for over a year...we should be rewarded for our patience. Did you read my list of 65 reasons why we need to move? There all valid points God.....just saying.
This whole church thing has been blown out of proportion. It was simply our parish, whom did NOT break any rules, showing their compassion towards someone we felt would make a great rector for our parish. Obviously some others did not agree. However, the way things were said and dealt with has left me feeling far less than religious. I thought religion was about compassion, about listening to God and doing what he says, about supporting one another and love. I surely do not feel any of that at the moment. In fact, as much as I love our church, I have left many times not feeling loved or cared for. Given, there are a few handful of people who do truly show us that but the majority don't. After we lost Ty I didn't expect for our congregation to support us because his funeral was only the 2nd time we were there. We had went once before and left without anyone saying anything to us, not the impression we want to give and this was a big point in our vestry meeting. After Ty's funeral we felt connected to the church because of Ty, we started going because he was now related to it. The more we went the more we began to know a few people. To this day I still can only name maybe 15 people at our church. See the thing about churches is they all say they are welcoming and kind and friendly but what they fail to realize is that they're really not. I thought once our congregation found out about Jacob we'd have more support, but it wasn't so. It was the same people who have been supporting us all along, no one new. Our church has cliques, just like high school. No clique wants new members either so we are left on the outside. We only know those who have reached out to us and it isn't many. Others we know because we have talked to them, well mostly Stephen but we had to reach out at a time we needed people to reach out to us and it wasn't there.
We have been going to the same church for over a year now and I can't say I recognize most people. Sure I know some names with faces but only because we wear name tags. I make an effort to know who people are, even if it is their names. I think it is important to know who your fellow brothers and sisters of Christ are but I surely do not feel that at our church. The more I get to know about the inner workings of the church the more I realize it's like high school. For someone who has struggled with religion all my life and especially within the last year, everything that has been going on is not helping my view of what church, God and religion are about. I find many times it actually points towards the negative. I know all churches have their problems but for some reason ours are starting to stick our like a thorn in the recent months. At a time when I was looking for help and guidance I felt I was turned away.
I am far less than impressed with not only our church but religion in general. I don't know that the future holds. I can only hope with time it gets better but I know it probably won't. We will continue to butt heads when it comes to making changes because some do not like change, some do no understand that in order to grow and flourish changes need to happen.
There are a few people in our church who do make it worth while. They support us, they love us and they care for us. But in the entire year we have been there, it has been the same people. The ones who make a positive face for our church. We are thankful and blessed to have those people in our lives but had they not been there, I highly doubt we would still be attending, we may have gotten back on the church shopping boat. Though now, having had Ty's funeral, Jacob's funeral and our wedding (like two weddings and a funeral but two funerals and a wedding) it's hard not to feel connected to the building itself. We have spent the last year of our life in that building, a place of many many many tears, some of joy but most of sorrow, a time learning and building who we were, a place we came together as a couple, a place we properly paid respect to both our boys, it has become a part of us but I can't say that it's a totally good part of us because of the issues I feel we have there. I really do pray God intends on changing some things soon, we need it.
And to end of this very emotional blog, let me reiterate, I do LOVE our church and there are truly some WONDERFUL people there. I have a lot of room to grow in my faith and I am thankful I have such a great place to do so. I will continue to support them the best I can and make it my personal mission to fix the above mentioned problems.
On a side note, does anyone else enjoy frozen peas as a snack or am I completely crazy?
For anyone who doesn't watch Biggest Loser...last night one of the men talked about him loosing his baby girl (1st born) at 24 weeks. Talk about tears, thankfully we had a heads-up by one of our stillbirth members who also watched BL. I am very thankful they mentioned it. He showed such emotion and they handled it very carefully. I am happy to see it acknowledged in a respectable way. Even better, it was coming from a man and you rarely see that. He even said it made him stronger and I whole heartily agree. I do feel stronger, though at the same time I feel weak as well. But I think over all it has made me a stronger person.
As for the birthday festivities, I really did NOT want to go out, it was an emotional day and I didn't feel like dressing up and going out so we ordered pizza, stayed in and watched TV. I felt like being a home-body so I did. We went for a quick walk and then wet to bed. We live such exciting lives but I enjoyed it. We're going out on Saturday to get me a few gifts....a trip to the natural store and a book and CD from the Christian store....and yogurt..I wanted to get some yogurt. Had anyone told me a few years ago that when my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday the first thing out of my mouth would be "yogurt" I'd say you were crazy...but such is life now. I can't thank Yo-plait enough for making a lactose free yogurt! Mmm....with some cinnamon and a hard boiled egg on the side, that's a perfect breakfast.
I think either my body couldn't handle the unhealthy pizza I put into it last night or I am having side effects from coming off the medicine, it could also be hormones or my thyroid but today I woke up extremely dizzy and boiling. I don't have a fever I just feel really warm. I'll have to take it easy today for sure, I've already run into a few walls from the dizziness. I'll just sit and sew all day. I have a few more things to make before mid-February when I start officially selling things...the issue I am running into is the rag quilts and burp clothes. I have to wash them to start the ragging process but I don't feel comfortable doing it at the laundry mat because every time we do our normal laundry, clothes always get ruined because of grease or other bad laundry soap people before us used and I can't afford to ruin half of my stock. So I'm trying to figure out a solution, which involves borrowing a washer and dryer of someones. I may also make another bag (which take a lot longer) just to have another one done. The other thing I did was spent a lot of time researching what others charge for their similar items so I could base my prices fairly off others. I priced them a little less then the average I saw on ETSY, E-Bay and Kijiji.
I also played around with some different stitches yesterday and figured out as nice as the zig zag looks, the straight stitch is more secure and much easier to fix if my machine decides to take a vacation half way through sewing something. I'll have to play around with them some more. I even bought a zipper and some elastic and plan on taking some youtube courses on how to sew so I can make more specialty items. I really want to learn how to make flannel jammies so when we have kids I can make them some and because they have such cute flannel prints I can't resist.
On a side note, I have sewn so many burp cloths that I want to spew!
Something has recently come up with our church that is making me second guess the church as a community even more. I don't want to exactly say but we are looking for a new rector and our interim priest (who was with us all the way through Jacob's pregnancy and knew about Ty) technically isn't allowed to apply for the position because of some rules saying he can't apply for it. Stephen felt very moved to do everything he could to get him to stay. He did nothing wrong, in fact he was encouraged by many in our church (some in higher positions as well) to do something about it so he did. He was told that if the bishop decided to he could include our interim's priest's name. It is up to the bishop. So feeling compelled by God and having tremendous support from our parish, Stephen did something about it. What he did did not break any rules or anything, it was encouraged by many but tonight he got a rather harsh call saying he was not allowed to be doing what he wanted. Actually, he isn't doing anything wrong and he was even told he could do it so I'm guessing it's just said pissed off person who doesn't like our current interim priest that set them off. Stephen said he felt compelled to do what he could and he even pointed out, Jesus did a lot of non conventional things, he broke and bent a lot of rules and as followers of Christ, if God gives you compassion and motivation for something, assuming it is in a Christian manner to do so, then it should be done. So now instead of having some time off of work he has to e-mail a lot of people to tell them it's a waste of time and that his compassion is pointless and means nothing. That it will NOT happen. Well sorry but at least he tried and obviously he's not the only one who feels compelled to try and keep our interim priest permanently. He did not break any rules so he should have not even got a phone call. Funny thing is, this person also sent him an e-mail which she claims states the reasons it will not happen...but at the very bottom of the link she sent it says "Normally, interim clergy are not considered for full time rector positions...." Ummm...see normally means in some situations things can be different so in fact they could really consider him if they wanted too....guess they didn't do their home work.
He did nothing wrong, he didn't break any rules, he was just speaking for our congregation who strongly feel we want to keep our interim priest there, leave him alone and let him do it so he can know he at least tried. Just because we have bitter people there doesn't mean they should dampen everyone else's hopes. It just makes me feel very negative about our congregation now. It makes me question my religion even more. We have some bitter people in our church who think highly of themselves and I'm sure most churches have that but some people just don't get it. Some people don't know. He had so much support from a lot of people obviously we want to do what we can to keep him there so let us try. Don't tell us we can't, were not breaking any rules or hurting anyone so just let us be. Maybe just because certain people don't like him, it's not the majority of our parish. I'm really starting to learn how the church works and why some people don't bother with it. They seem just as bad as politicians right now. The more I learn about the church the more I don't know if I want to be a part of it. I thought it was suppose to be about loving one another, supporting one another, caring for one another and I've learned it's not. Given, there are some people in the church who do follow that but there are also the ones who don't and they stick out like thorns. They make me feel negative towards my church, a place I felt so secure at but now I don't know....I just don't know anymore.
On top of all of that, I think I need to be on meds a bit longer. The last two days I have felt so anxious and emotional. Maybe it is the circumstances of what is going on (I do NOT like when people make my husband upset especially when he did NOTHING wrong, it boils my blood) and my birthday, who knows..but I can feel the anxiety creeping back up, so maybe I take the foggy mind over the panic attacks for a bit longer. Until I can get in to see someone and learn to deal with it, I may just have to be zombie for awhile longer. Ughh...I swear if anyone else speaks to my husband with such disrespect they will have this mama to deal with and I'll tell ya, I get pissy so they better watch out. I have no patience for stupid little things anymore, I have learned a lot over the last year and have no room for petty little things. I could go on all night, I'm officially pissed. Hopefully cutting some fabric and eating some turkey chili can calm me down a bit or I may have to go for a run around the block...HA just kidding...it would be a sight to see me run!
I dread today for the simple fact that I don't feel happy about much. I'm turning 28, another year older, another year passing by that was not in my plans. I always said if I didn't find a husband by the time I am 30 I'd adopt. It looks like it may be going that way anyways because for some reason Stephen and I can't have kids. I don't know if we ever will. We have no problem getting pregnant or carrying babies full term we just can't seem to get them here to bring them home. Last year at this time I thought by my 28th birthday I'd have a little one at home. We knew we were pregnant and all my early ultrasounds came back looking good, I had a fear we would loose the baby but we went quite some time not knowing. I thought that today I would wake up (or having been up all night) tired because I would have been up with Jacob all night. He would be almost 5 months old. Finally at 28, I would have a little one at home with me, but it was not meant to be. It surely is not the 28th birthday I ever envisioned and I worry about what 29 will bring. I don't want to think about it! We have no plans. I don't feel like celebrating much right now. We may go out to dinner, but we'll see. Both of us are a little iffy about going out for dinner after the food poisoning incident from last week. I guess we could get veggie or steak and lessen the chance but it hasn't been decided yet. I plan on staying home all day and sewing. I have most things cut and I want some more things sewn so that some mid-February I can actually start selling things and helping out with bringing in some income. I also intend on putting away our laundry from yesterday. Exciting eh? Well that's like. However, I can never remember, in the 28 years of my existence, my birthday being so warm and sunny and I can't help think that it's my boys wrapping their warmth around me.
I was at the psychiatrists on Monday and we made the decision to stop the medicine. I am having way too many bad side effects and I am on the lowest possible dosage. He said there was one other medication I could go on, called Effexor, but I knew that name and knew there was a lot of bad things attached to it. So we decided to give no medicine a try for 2 weeks and see how I do. They said it would take about a week to start feeling the effects of being off of it. I was in a very good mood yesterday but I think with everything going on today, it'll be a tough day. I just need to work through it. I feel very emotional today, which is a good thing since I haven't felt anything in 6 weeks. I've been able to cry but I don't know if it's from being off the meds or just an off day because it is my birthday and I'm sad knowing my boys will never get to celebrate theirs...I guess the next few days will tell in time if it is from being off the meds. If this is how I am going to feel then I know I need to be back on the meds for a bit longer. I'm actually able to loose weight now that my cortisone levels aren't sky high.....now if the thyroid can settle back out (which I know it still hasn't) The thing that makes me upset about that is, I was seeing an endocrinologist while pregnant and since I have been having so many problems I called to make an appointment to see her but they said I have to have my doctor refer me to someone else (or the same doctor, they just have to submit another referral) because I am no longer pregnant. Seriously? You can't just see me knowing I have problems. Why make it such a hassle to go to my doctors, have her fax a referral to see the same doctor just because I am no longer pregnant. I swear, being pregnant, as many side effects as I did have, I was so super healthy. I wish I could be as healthy now as I was while pregnant. I pray they figure out my thyroid soon, I may have to get a biopsy but I won't know until after next weeks ultrasound whether or not I have to at this point, though it could explain why my throat is sore.
I find I don't get worried about test results as much anymore. It's like oh I may have cervical cancer or thyroid cancer, okay so what? I'll deal with it if it comes to that. I don't fear much anymore when it comes to my health. I don't fear death much anymore either, beyond wanting to know how I will die, hopefully it's peacefully! But I know I get to be with my boys again so I've accepted it. Nothing seems worth the worry, I think the only thing that would worry me is the next time I get pregnant, I'll worry about loosing that baby too but we'll deal with it when the time comes. If I am going off my meds I can't stress because all the weight that has come off....I don't want to see it again and I prefer to loose the last 7lbs from Jacob.
I'm still having a hard time seeing others pregnant and I feel bad because when I see pregnant people I think about their babies dying. It's not that I want them to ever know that feeling but I look at them and think about it and wonder how they would react, how they would cope, how they would look to others for help. It's a weird thought, but that's what I think when I see pregnant people. If their babies died, how would they take the news? I know everyone is different but that's what I think when I see them. I don't think I want their babies to die, that's not it and never will be but I'm curious to know what someone else who experiences it would react like. I can't figure out why I think that way, it doesn't make sense to me, but then a lot doesn't. I worry for them that their babies could die and know the heartache they would feel. Most are so oblivious to pregnancy loss and are so innocent to being pregnant they don't think of it. It's all I know so it's all I think of.
Back to sewing.....we'll see what I really end up doing in tomorrow's blog!