Things have been going around here. Since we decided to stay I have been in reno mode full force! I decided I wanted to make it work for us and quickly so I have been very busy which has lead to very sore muscles (I moved the couch by myself which involved having to tip it up, hewoman, why yes) BUT it has been great for my weight loss. I am now 2lbs away from loosing all of Jacob's weight, at the rate I am going I'll even get to start working on the 9 left from Ty. However, my goal was to loose all of Jacob's so I'll be happy with that. I managed to finish the bathroom (with the exception of re-caulking the bathtub and having the landlord replace the wood around the window) and the kitchen. I also moved the couch and have painted half of the new master bedroom/nursery. I'm very excited to see it all coming together. The only room I think I will have problems with is the new living room....not sure I'm happy with how it is currently, I know I'll have to do some more painting, hanging things and such, maybe get a new smaller floor rug...I don't know, it just doesn't feel "comfy" But everything else is starting to come together so I'm okay with that.
For anyone in Canada, Zellers is starting there store closing sales, might want to stop in to see what they have. Right now most things are 10-30% off with a good chunk being 20% off. I was in there and surprisingly found the perfect table runner while getting some plastic bins. I also decided to get Charlie a new toy, a big one that he can't loose under the fridge or in the vents...the only thing is it is absolutely the most annoying toy ever. It is a big ball with a mouse inside and the mouse squeaks. We'll have to make sure to hide it at night or we'll be up all night. He was afraid of it at first which was hilarious but now he loves it so I'm okay that it's annoying. Anything for my furbabies (Milo also got his allergy shot this morning and seems to be feeling better already, my poor bug has just had a very rough last 6 weeks, hoping he settles down)
Went out for dinner this week with one of the couples from our new infant loss group. We decided to try Casa Cubana and forgive me if I already mentioned this but I have to mention it again. GO THERE!!!! The food was amazing! We will be going back for sure, probably in the summer so we can sit on the patio. Great food, best burrito I have ever had hands down! There rice was really good too. I'll save room for dessert for next time so I can report on that. We have group this Wednesday and I'm really looking forward to it. It's the week to bring our pictures or other mementos that remind us of our boys.....can someone lend us a forklift because we have a lot! I think I'll bring their scrapbooks and their Molly Bears to this meeting, can always bring more the next time, maybe their shadow boxes....or Jacob's lotion....ohhh sooo many choices!
In health news....everything is good to go! I had all my bloodwork done and everything is perfect. That being said, I am starting to get really bad heartburn and I think my gallbladder is acting up again. I thought it was from the cinnamon I was eating but it's still been doing it so I may have to lay off the beef, fat and spicy foods for a few days to see if it settles down and pop some serious tums. We do go back to our high risk OB on the 17th to ask him about 1 million questions....seriously, some days it feels like we have that many. We wanted him to go over everything about the boys again, talk about my health (though we know it's good) perhaps he may suggest running a few tests, talk about a future pregnancy and everything that will be involved with that and get a good check up on my scar. We do know there will be a hospital stay near the end like last time, just not sure at what point. Assuming we are even able to get pregnant again....there is one small but fixable thing standing in the way right now and I hope it settles itself out, if not I'll be popping some pills.
As I am typing this I am giggling like crazy. Stephen is on the phone with a tenant who seriously is lacking a brain. This guy just does not get it and it sounds like there's a monkey in the background....oh my goodness is you all could hear the conversation....he is making no sense!
Not much else going on, about to head to bed and do my Women's World crossword thanks to my awesome hubby who knows how to make my day! (It really does not take a lot these days) May not be on for a few days but will be busy working away on the house, hanging some doors, installing some molding, finishing painting, moving more furniture around, trying to decorate to my liking (which I think will be very hard) and hopefully finish our new house in the next week. I think my reward may be a night or two away with the hubs, we never did get to go on a honeymoon due to everything going on with Jacob and because we were broke, I mean we still are broke but with Groupon Getaways I think we can stretch for a night or two away if GG comes to watch her furbabies and take care of the boys. I know for our relationship we need to get away but I just pray my heart lets me.
Shortly after Jacob passed away there always seemed to be two Blue Jays that would come sit by the window in our living room (or soon to be master bedroom/nursery) I just knew it was the boys. It seemed so fitting. Maybe they had been there before and I just never noticed but I do tend to notice noisy birds outside my window so maybe it truly is a sign from my boys that they were together. This morning I heard them squawking away and went to see what was going on. Sure enough there were two Blue Jays, I said good morning to the boys and then a third Blue Jay joined them. At first I took this as a sign that they were going to bring us another sibling for them but then a fourth showed up and I was like wow...we're going to have twins...okay we can handle that....then a few minutes later number five, six and seven showed up and then I decided it wasn't a sign from the boys that they were giving us a sibling because I know we won't be having quintuplets. But I still took the first two Blue Jays as my boys saying hi! And if they are planning on making us pregnant with 5 babies...umm no we'd be happy with just one, even two would be okay.
I wrote this a few days ago...forgot about it but I'm glad I didn't post it yet because something else amazing happened today. The street we live on can be a bit noisy at times with all the traffic and while I was out doing yard work it got so very quiet, quiet enough you could hear a pin drop, it was like the world had stopped for a moment. I looked up and every so gently two Blue Jay feathers were floating in the air and I stood and watched the two feathers float around and then they came right by me and then disappeared. It was so incredibly peaceful, at that very moment I felt such an immense feeling of content. I love my boys so much for sending me such awesome signs that I know can only be explained by them!
One of our greatest blessings through the loss of our boys has been the amazing people we have met. People I cannot imagine my life without. We started our second infant loss group and again we are extending our family. We went out for dinner tonight with a new couple we know through a mutual friend/Bereaved Families and had a really nice time. We talked about our babies but also other things as well and I just love to be around people who just get it. Only do they truly understand how one minute I can be talking about baking a cake and the next about my boys. The thing with our new infant loss group that is very unique is none of us have earthly children so I know we all will be on the rainbow boat at some point together. I hope the fact that we've had two losses doesn't scare them off but rather gives them hope and strength to know they too can get through another loss, Heaven forbid it happen to anyone else. I also hope I can help them with their rainbow pregnancies, seeing as I've been there, just because we lost Jacob doesn't mean for the first 18 weeks I wasn't a nervous ball of craziness like most are after a loss.
By the by, for all you Londoners...Casa Cubana in Wortley Village....DELICIOUS!!!!! we will totally be going back for a second time and probably even a third.
I started writing this blog a few months ago and haven't posted it yet. The reason I have not posted it yet is because my parents continue to amaze us and I have so many more wonderful things to write about them but I wanted to share a bit.
I know both my mom and dad will read this but I don't care, they deserve special recognition. My parents are truly two of the most important people in my life. Many children may not appreciate and respect their parents as much as I but my parents have done so much for me in my life I am truly thankful. I am appreciative of everything they have done for me from an early age and continuing even though I am now an adult. My parents have always been there, whenever I needed something I knew they were just a phone call away and they still are. Even though they live 4 hours away in another country it's just a matter of a phone call and they will be here and it's always been like that. It is so comforting to know I have their full support and they have welcomed my husband with open arms into our closely knit family. They were there the day we found out about Ty, they were there the day we found out about Jacob, they have shared our pain, or sorrow, or joy, our emotional roller coaster and still stand strong. My husband and I are so blessed to have such an inspirational couple to look up to for a successful marriage (one of the many reasons we chose to get married on their anniversary date) but not only that, they have taught us so much about strength and love and family values. They have been our greatest supports and we are so thankful to have them in our lives. No amount of words can ever show my true appreciation for them, no amount of I love you's or Thank you's begin to show even the tip of the ice berg on how much I am thankful for them. They are one of Stephen and I's greatest blessings. I cannot imagine having gone through loosing Ty and Jacob without them by our side.
Not only have they been there emotionally for us, but they have been a HUGE help in making sure financially we do not fall. Despite them having a lot to do to their own house, vacations they want to go on, things they want to buy they have ALWAYS provided for my brother and I. They always make sure our needs are met, they have helped us pay off debt, they continue to help us struggle through the last 18 months (loosing children is not cheap) and no matter how little they have they have always been willing to share it with us. One of the main reasons we all decided to live together was because I have always told my parents, they'd live with me before I put them in a home (glad my husband is okay with that) but financially it puts us all in a much better spot and since they have done SO much for us, we want to pay it back to them. They are the most unselfish, greedless people I know. They have always been that way. Sure they could keep all their money themselves and save it or spend it on vacations or new cars but they know the true value of a dollar....it's priceless. The love and support of taking care of family is more than any mount of money. They share what they have with us to make sure we can succeed and that we do not fall. I cannot thank them enough for helpings us financially. I know there are a lot of parents out there who would never give their kids a dime and that's really a shame, especially when they need it. As a parent I would do anything for my children and I will give everything to my future children. We don't want to be rich, we don't need a lot of money and the money we do have will continue to go to loved ones throughout our life. After all, it is so rewarding to see how our money can help others. There is no reason we need to save thousands, learning from my parents, giving is so much more rewarding. To know all the hard work you put into earning that money is making a difference in someone else's life...now that's what life is about. I also told Stephen I never want to be rich because with richness (a lot of the time but not all) brings greediness and I don't want that. Through all of this we have learned that life is important, not money. As long as we have a roof over our heads and the means to support ourselves and others, it's all we need. So thank you mom and dad for realizing that despite you guys needing to do a lot of things around your house and many vacations you could have gone on, thank you for helping me and Mike. It's just another reason why you are the best parents ever and we are very thankful for your support.
Another thing I am thankful for is the relationship I have developed with my mom. I'll admit I was a hellion as a child but it is only because of her patience and love that I am the person I am today. My mom is one of my closest friends. I tell her everything (more than she sometimes needs to know) but I couldn't imagine not telling her everything, I value her opinion too much. We have developed such a strong bond, these days, when I think of doing things I always ask my mom to come visit so we can do them together, I can only imagine how much more fun we will have once they are back living with us.
I'm also very thankful my husband and them get along so well. Family has always been my number one important thing in life and it always will be. I had such an amazing childhood growing up and I want my children to have the same and it will only be possible with my parents in their lives. I was worried my husband would feel like an odd one out but he doesn't. He's as much Vigus as I am Nelles. We all may be crazy but at least were crazy together.
So mom and dad, because I know you read this, I just wanted to say thanks for everything you have done and continue to do. We love you so much and are so appreciative for all the help, especially the last 2 years. We could not have made it through without you. I could go on and on but I think you know how much we love and appreciate you. Know that our home will always be your home and I we will do our best to keep you out of a home. After all you have done for us, it's the least we can do.
* This is the second post of the day, forgot I did not post it but it makes much more sense to read this one, then the one below! Sorry for the repetitiveness....
I'm sure many of you are wondering what the title means...is it time for another baby??? NOPE.....we just decided since we are having no luck finding a place and after everything we have been through and intend on going through the next year we simply cannot afford anything else. So we have made the decision to stay put for the time being (of course keeping our eye out for a new place but I can't spend my days exhausting all measures to only come up empty handed) but we are taking care of as much as we can. The landlord came in to check out the windows and we'll clean them when he gets back. He also said he would reinforce the deck a bit. We are going to get new vent covers and put filters in them and vacuum out the vents as much as we can. He also mentioned he will replace the furnace this fall so that should help with heating. We are turning the living room into our master bedroom/nursery. Our old bedroom will become the guest bedroom and Stephens office, the old guest bedroom will become our living room and the kitchen and bathroom will stay the same. There is some space in the basement for extra storage that I'm sure our downstairs neighbour will let us use and we are also talking about buying a washer and dryer and putting it in down there but due to some licensing rules Stephen and I can't do it but if we buy the washer and dryer as a "gift" and have them installed then we can both use them and it won't matter? I'm not sure, our landlord didnt say why other then what he had to do cost too much. So we're going to talk to our downstairs neighbour and see what we can work out. We are trying to solve as many problems as we can and you know once we are close to having everything done that's when a new place will open up...but maybe everything will turn out to work for us and we won't have to move. We'll see what time tells us.
I had such a good weekend this past weekend. My mom came up to visit on Thursday and I really enjoyed my time. It makes me look forward (as if I didn't already enough) to when they will be moving back. We had lots of plans, Thursday I made dinner and we ate outside and just talked and went for a walk.
Friday after my psychology appointment we headed down to St. Thomas, ate lunch at Boston Pizza while in the company of a pimp and two prostitutes...only in St. Thomas right? At least he took them to Boston Pizza which is a fairly nicer restaurant. After we ate we headed to a garden show at Canandale, got some ice cream, watched a presentation on gardening veggies in pots (which I do) and bought a new plant for Ty since his blue hydrangea did not make it last year. I can't wait until we get into a house so I can buy a few trees for the boys. We came home in the afternoon, had subway then went for another walk.
Saturday we woke up early to head to the Women's Lifestyle show and I was quite disappointed I didn't get a swag bag, but we did manage to somehow spend 4 hours there. We ate lots of good samples, picked up some brochures, watched two cooking shows, saw Marilyn Dennis and as we were leaving we watched the Neo-Nazi group interact with a Anti-Racism group and about 15 police cars came rushing downtime. It was a bit exciting!
After the show we headed to Rona and I bought paint supplies and other things I need to start making our one bedroom into a two bedroom since we have decided to stay here and do as much as we possibly can. I bought anti slip strips for the stairs outside. I'm hoping we can get some more wood to reinforce them....we bought vent filters to help keep out the smoke and other ickies in the vents (which I still intend on vacuuming out) we have filler for the holes in the kitchen to keep the mice out, I bought a respirator mask so I can safely sand and re-paint the cupboards since I am sure they have lead paint. Next I will be heading out to Habitat Re-Store to see what deals I can find on two doors (inside doors, if you have any lying around let me know, I can always paint them white if need be) and a fan for the kitchen. Our landlord is taking care of the windows and deck and he said he will replace the furnace sometime before next winter (which should help a lot with the heat issues) and replace the toilet. I think I'm going to ask him to replace the vent covers as well as they are painted so much I don't think much heat gets through either, if not may the re-store will have some.
We also intend on talking to our neighbour downstairs about getting a washer and dryer in the basement and putting some things to store down there. I think if we take care of all of that we will survive another two years until my parents move back.
So my next few weeks will be VERY busy, moving furniture, painting, filling holes, sanding, putting up doors, cleaning (I caved and bought some bleach) re-caulking the bathroom....so a lot! But, I think when it is all done, this place will work a lot better for us. In the meantime anyways.
I am happy to say that I actually had a good weekend. Of course having to go to the laundry mat today kind of puts a damper on things, but it does allow Stephen and I to have a nice lunch date. Plus, we learned to bring our computers, then it's not as boring. I will be okay if the guy downstairs says no to laundry....who knows the the outlets and vents even work. I am trying to live with the fact that the laundry mat is not that bad...the only downfall is, most of the time it's one of those places you see not great parenting skills which does bother me. Oh well......at least the last 3 days were good!
The more I think about it, the more I feel in my heart that I want to adopt children with special needs. I know Stephen and I could provide a very loving and supportive home for children with special needs and I can't help but feel God is putting it in my heart to open our house to children who really do need a family. I think I will start to prepare myself now and research and educate myself as much as possible so when we do move into a house (we would NEVER be allowed to adopt living where we do) we can prepare and open our house and hearts to the beauty of every being God has created.
I just wanted to add that last night's group was amazing like usual and I look forward to the next few weeks sharing our babies. I also had am amazingly wonderful night out with my husband. We planned a date night at Milestones, I went all out and got dolled up and for the first time in quite some time when I looked in the mirror I felt okay about myself. It has been a long time coming and I felt good about it and so did Stephen so maybe I will put a bit more effort into getting ready everyday. We ended the night off by a nice walk through Springbank park in the dark and played on the swings for a bit. Now it is time to head to bed and hope I can get a decent night sleep and clean in preparation for my mommy to come for a girls weekend! Exciting times.
I started this morning off by reading a very angering article. Please take a moment to read it :
I don't even know what to say...no actually I do... I'm sure glad I don't live anywhere near these idiots. I can't imagine if I had to carry Ty for 4 more weeks until I went into natural labour....I'm so thankful we delivered him when we did because he had not, I don't know how to say it, he was still all together, perfect form and if we had waited we would have not had pictures because of what the waiting would have done to him, not only that it is dangerous for the mother. I think politicians should have absolutely no say in what a woman decides to do with her body. Bills like this just make people look for other medical options like back street abortion clinics where you have people getting sick and dying from unsafe practices. Does anyone else notice that it's mostly men trying to pass these insane bills? I don't think they have a right to voice their opinion when they have no idea how it is to be a woman carrying a child in that situation. Men need to get off their high horses and shut up. If anything like that passed here I would sue for emotional damage and consequences of my health from having to do such things.
And lastly, maybe if men learned to keep it in their damn pants there wouldn't be so many unwanted pregnancies...sorry but these men are giving most men a rap of being egotistical idiots.
Secondly as I laid awake at 12am last night trying to fall asleep I thought, (totally changing the subject here) if landlords want to go as far as refusing smokers and pets due to allergies than they need to be refusing a lot more. They can start by refusing that people wear perfume, cologne, use cleaning products and if it's shared laundry than most laundry detergents because I'm allergic to all that stuff...just saying, why stop at pets when there are so many more things people are allergic too.
Lastly, I'll end on a good note. We had a great group meeting tonight and look forward to the next 6 weeks with our new family. As sad as it is how we meet I promise your life will be much more enriched because of it.
I'm getting tired of looking for a place to live but I know for our health and safety we have to move. I have found a few places that would suit us but they absolutely refuse any pets. I understand why some landlords would not like dogs, they bark, they can be noisy, they can scratch hard wood floors and they need a yard to do there business. So I get it but honestly what is the reason behind not allowing cats? Our cats are strictly indoors, very quiet good little fur babies who do not cause any problems, they are declawed so no scratching and to be completely honest were both allergic to cats so we make sure our house is always clean. Why are people so against pets? I know it's people who don't have pets themselves because if you have pets you know there more than just "pets" they truly are apart of the family. Milo and Charlie are spoiled like any child of ours would be. They get away with so much because we love them dearly. I can't imagine my life without them. They bring so much joy and happiness and they are mostly the reason I have been able to get out of bed every morning (simply because they don't give up until were out of bed) I have found some landlords are flexible and will allow cats but the apartments don't suit our needs.
I went and viewed a house today for rent in Byron. I always walk pass this house and think its adorable but somehow, this house was smaller than our place now. With the exception it did have a basement, but the upstairs was tiny and would not work for us. I e-mailed a person who has had an apartment for rent for awhile now and honestly, we'd take this apartment. It is in our budget, just down the street from us, looks nice but has a no pet policy in place. I e-mailed them hoping they would consider our two cats so I'll wait and see what they say. It really is just a matter of Milo and Charlie that is holding us back from some places and that's really a shame.
The last two nights have went okay. The first night I took a bath and choked down some awful "sleepy" tea and I did eventually fall asleep. It took a while and I was up many times during the night but no gravol was taken. We did wake up at 10 and church was at 10:30 but we made it! Last night was better. My body felt tired and I was able to fall asleep somewhat close to when I went to bed. I was up a lot but I seemed to fall back asleep pretty quickly. I did end up back out on the couch at 7:30am but that was only so Charlie would keep quiet. I'm hoping this means I am getting back on a sleep track. Now that we are figuring some things out, my mind is more clear at night.
Ughhh...just heard back from the person I e-mailed about the apartment, absolutely NO pets...we're never going to find a place, we will have to continue to live with mold and increasing breathing problems (I'm already on additional medication it's so bad) It's not like we ask for much in a place but nothing seems to have all our absolute needs.
I wanted to give another shout out to one of my top three favourite blogs. I've already mentioned : http://mommyofsadiemae.blogspot.ca/
But another one I have fallen in love with is called Confessions of the Chromosomally Enhanced and it can be found here:
No matter how bad of a day I am having I find reading the last two blogs so up lifting. I find the bloggers write with a sense of whitty humor but love and they always post pictures which is just awesome! If your ever having a down day check them out. Some of the videos are great too.
Ever since I have been off my medication I have not been able to sleep. The only exception was Wednesday night, I always sleep well after our infant loss meetings. But that has been the only night. Every other night I have gone to bed at 9, read for awhile, turned out the light and laid there. I lay there for hours and finally around 2 or 3 am I take a gravol. Last night I tried rocking myself to sleep, didn't work it ended up being another gravol night. Gravol isn't horrible but that bad thing is, I always wake up the next day with bad headaches. So today I have been dealing with a horrible headache and when I get headaches (which my maxalt doesn't do anything for, it only helps my migraines for some reason) I try Tylenol. I know Tylenol always makes my headaches worse yet I continue to take them in hopes of it helping. It usually does about 8 hours later. I don't want to take gravol but I need to sleep and that is the only thing working right now. Tonight I am going to try Good Night Irene tea (which has valerian root in it, which is suppose to help you sleep) and perhaps a bubble bath a bit before bed and see how that goes. If it does nothing, then maybe I will try nightly walks again, or putting a book beside my bed so I can write down all the thoughts running through my head. It's not that I worry about anything, it's just I have a lot to think about. Or so it seems at 11pm.
Add on top of all of that, my husband and Charlie. My husband has been a bit restless lately so he has been moving around a lot in his sleep which makes it even harder for me to fall asleep. Charlie also is very fond of being chatty at night and letting us know what is going on by means of meows, scratching the plastic window coverings (which we can't take down until our landlord fixes the mold and that seems like it'll be a while) scratching the wardrobe, jumping all over us, tearing around the house....just about anything that gets us up he does. Maybe they are all trying to prepare me for when we have a little one at home...but I really could just use the sleep now.
I took the day off from sewing to work on some baby loss mama packages and to clean. I figure if I get the house all clean this weekend then I will have nothing else to do but sew and I can get lots and lots of goodies sewn. I also intend on using Senior Serge a bit more to see how him and I get a long and see what delightful items we can come up with.
The weather is suppose to be unbearably hot all week which I am NOT looking forward too. I am a spring loving girl, sunny but cool, just like fall. Diving right into summer is not cool and if summer is already here and is going to be long, add central air to the list of requirements for our next place.
Okay, here goes another night of trying so hard to sleep....I really hope everything I try tonight will work...I need to sleep!
The baby itch that is. There's a few signs that made me realize in my heart I must be ready to try again...the main one was what my husband said last night. He had come into the living room and asked why I was getting all the baby stuff out. In all honesty the only thing I had gotten out was the high chair seat to see if it would fit on our new chairs and I had bought a bouncer since we needed one and it was on sale at the Zeller's liquidation. Speaking of which, the sales are only 10-30% off right now, most items only being 10. They will increase it as the weeks go on so if you need any stuff, head on over! That's all but I guess that made him think I was getting everything else out which got me thinking.
Firstly, one thing I am really struggling with right now is feeling like a "mom". I don't feel like a mom, I don't see myself as a mom and I'm having a very hard time connecting with the fact that yes, I do have two little boys they just happen to be in Heaven. Even just taking the high chair out and setting it up reminded me that yes, our house is suppose to have baby things in them because I had two babies. I know I put everything away because it was too hard to look at but I think I'm getting to the point where it is too hard not to look at them and I slowly want to bring some of the baby things out. I want the hope that they will be used one day. One of the reasons we need to move is simply because we have no room and if I started bringing out the baby stuff it'd be cramped. So for now only a few things will remain out and I hope it helps me connect to the fact that I am a mother...there is a reason I have baby thing in my house.
Secondly, I think in my heart I do want to try again. Stephen has mentioned a lot lately that he feels emotionally ready and I think I'm getting to that point. We will be going on 7 months next month and I'm so thankful we had to wait due to the c-section because it has given us time to step back and recoup and think about our lives. I don't feel physically ready, I'd still like to loose some weight and make sure my body is healthy (I'll know next Wednesday how my blood work turns out, I had EVERYTHING tested) so it is a step in the right direction. We're at a place now where if it happened I think we would be okay but there are still some things we need to take care of...me going back to work and moving and until those are settled I don't foresee anything happening, not to mention (GUYS STOP READING GO TO NEXT PARAGRAPH) at this point my cycle will not allow for me to get pregnant. I only ovulate about 5-10 days before my cycle begins and that is not a healthy Luteal Phase so I take it as my body's sign that it is not ready yet. I just hope it straightens that out in a few months because the last thing I want is to now have problems getting pregnant.
So for now we will continue on. I need to work on getting back to work and we really need to get our lives settled and running before we are financially ready but it is nice to know we are both emotionally in a healthy spot if it were to happen. In the meantime I will continue to mommy my fur babies as they will always need their mommy.
Do you remember when, I think it was last week, I said I was going to go off my medicine because there weren't too many stressful and anxious events happening in our lives....I forgot about the fact that everything in our life is stressful and anxious, especially all that has happened today. But before I indulge you in the details I must proudly say I made it through. The few days leading up to today I contemplated going back on my meds just to help me get through today but then I realized I had to go off my meds at some point and why not try now when I have the time, energy and support to work through a lot of the tougher issues so I held out and did very well. It probably would have been better if I didn't cram so many big things for me into one day but I think the sun, my boys and the severe lack of sleep I have had in the last two nights got me through. I also treated myself to a iced tazo passion tea....So today, a lot happened today and I think this will have to be a two parter because as I write this it is now 11:05pm and I am exhausted but that's what always happens at our Bereaved Families meetings, we always get shoed out because we stay way later then we should. I do apologize a head of time if some of this blog does not make sense. I am going on 4 hours of sleepage in the last two nights (yes I made up a word to describe my lack of sleep and it is fitting...sleepage) so bare with me
Firstly speaking of sleep, going to the meeting tonight reminded me that after all the meetings we had at bereaved families, those were the nights I slept the best. I think going and talking about things, clearing my mind, getting them off my chest allowed me to lay down and actually focus on sleep so I look forward to a decent night of sleep. (I didn't make it past this paragraph last night before I crashed) I did sleep pretty well, Charlie woke me up pretty early because he was afraid of the thunderstorm but I slept well otherwise. May I add it was quite odd to wake up to a thunderstorm followed by a very warm and sunny day....it's still winter!!!! Mother nature have you gone crazy? I was in flip flops, capris and a t-shirt today and we went to get ice cream (frozen yogurt for me)
I know when I sleep well because I dream and I usually remember my dreams. Last night I had an awesome dream. We were in the hospital in one of the antenatal rooms and I was clearly pregnant and about to go in for my c-section. Dr S (our high risk OB) came by and was preparing us and Stephen was getting ready. I was wheeled into the OR room (we already know next time will be a c-section) and they began the c-section and Dr S pulled out a beautiful baby girl who we named Matea. He gave her right to me and I can remember thinking that she didn't look like Ty or Jacob but as I layed on the OR table I was looking into her eyes and I was crying happy tears. I felt so peaceful and happy and it felt so real. I can only pray this is a sign of what is to come.
So back to yesterday. I met up with my best friend from child hood. We haven't talked in about 3 1/2 years so I was quite nervous to meet up with her but given we haven't talked in 3 1/2 years there was plenty to talk about and I had a really nice time catching up. This was a person I was inseparable from growing up in London and even after we moved to Michigan we always got together so it was nice to have her back in my life. The thing I learned from Ty and Jacob was that I don't want to live a life of regrets. I know there are people in my life I pushed out, people that I have hurt, people that have hurt me and life is really too short to worry about the past. If things can be mended at the current time and it's with people who are supportive and I still enjoy their company, I don't want to miss out on any more.
After meeting with her Stephen and I headed to the Bereaved Families meeting. Like I've said before, we never usually go because there aren't any infant loss people but due to the fact we knew the speaker (she was our social worker pre-natally with Jacob) we wanted to catch up with her and we knew a couple who lost their little girl a month ago so we wanted to be there for them
The meeting last was a bit odd for us. The first time we walked in those doors there were people for us and now one part of our grief journey is being there for others but like I told Stephen, it's a tricky balance for us. We are in the role of being the healer now (17 months after we lost Ty) to be there and support others but at the same time for us, we are also still the victims (we are so new in our grief of loosing Jacob) I found the meeting tonight to be so very rewarding, to hear a couple who only a month ago lost their little girl brought back so many of my emotions but on my journey I am in a much different place. It was different to sit there in a role of listener at the same time to be there for myself and talk about Jacob. We haven't had group since loosing him and I feel it is only fair we get to share him now too, though he was shared throughout our pregnancy a lot more than Ty was. Again, it's the guilt of balancing two losses. I do look forward to our infant group nights coming up though, they are truly the most helpful in healing.
This morning I got to share my boys with a few of the Gamma Dynacare ladies. One of the ladies there has taken my blood before and she remembered me because of my tattoos so the other girl taking my blood was asking me about them and about my boys so I told them (the other girl had come over by this time) all about Ty and Jacob as quick as a 1 minute blood draw goes. I've finally come into a sense of being able to tell their story without tears but also tel tell their story in a shortened version for those with little time to hear. The lady taking my blood said I must like talking about my boys (guilty mom that I am, I LOVE talking about them) but she said that because of where my tattoos where and mentioned that I must be comfortable or I wouldn't have put them someplace so noticeable. So I thought I would share why I chose the location I did. I wanted to be able to see my tattoos at any time I felt like looking at them so it ruled out the back. I wanted them to be someplace I could hide them if I had too but not someplace that required me getting naked to see them...so no boos, thighs, nether regions or feet (I love my flip flops) but I also felt I wanted to be able to hold them over my heart, obviously this limited my area to my arms the last decision, if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again I wanted to be able to rest their little feeties on my belly...making my wrists the perfect location. It's not that I put them there for a conversation starter in fact I have noticed most people look but never ask. I put them there for personal reasons but now that I am in a better place emotionally, I love that for some people it will be a conversation starter.
I've been quite busy lately and thankfully still sane even though I am off my meds. I am learning to deal with the anxiety and stress and I know it'll take time but now that I am off my meds I feel better physically. I am no where near as tired and exhausted as I was on them so I've been able to do quite a bit more. My parents were up last weekend helping my Nanny move and they brought some things back for us. We got a new kitchen table and the thing I love most about it is the fact that it is a family heirloom. I love things like that, they mean so much to me. It opens up to quite a big table so once we get some more space we plan on getting a church pew to go with it and having big family dinners around a table that has been in our family passed down for my generation. My nanny also sent me her golfclubs so now Stephen and I can go golfing together (even though I am horrible I do look forward to spending some time with him doing something he enjoys) I of course will need to get about 200 balls just for 9 holes of golf but it'll be fun! I am also getting her hope chest. My mom has one and I love the idea (and the name) of again, having something passed down to me that I can pass on to my kids and keep it in our family for generations. My aunt was generous to send me her serger so I took it in and we spent today getting to know each other. It was a rough start but we finally got on the same thread and now we'll be whipping up some new items in no time! So a shout out to my nanny, thanks for all the very meaningful things passed down to me. I look forward to passing them down to my children when the time comes.
And lastly (I have a lot to say when I don't write for days) a few people lately have told me that I "look really good" and I don't take it as a compliment because I do not feel good. I'm still in maternity pants, I'm just starting to fit back into regular shirts, given they are a bigger size now and I have 14lbs to loose before I will be back to pre-pregnancy weight (5 from Jacob, 9 from Ty) I don't feel that I look any better, I still feel like a fat whale....I'm sure I won't notice the difference much but I don't feel good about my body. I just find it funny so many people have said it lately. It's the last thing I'd think to say to myself.
Okay time to get back to making a very special gift for a mommy in need....
Something most do not tell you when you loose a child is that one of the changes in your life will be how much you feel emotions. I have dealt with a variety of emotions in my 28 years of existence anywhere from happy to sad to angry to frustrated and sure at the time those emotions felt real and raw but what I have learned in the last 18 months is that dealing with the loss of Ty and Jacob has lead me to actually FEEL my emotions. I don't think anyone can understand how to feel emotions until they deal with a tragic loss. When I feel emotions now, I feel them. I feel them in the depths of my soul. If I am sad, I feel it in my soul, the pain radiates throughout my body, it is now not only a feeling but a physical reaction. When I am happy I feel it in my soul. My body reacts to my feelings in a way I have never felt so much. In one sense this is a great feeling, if I am feeling loved, happy and positive then it puts me in a great mood, I can feel so much of it. However, if I am feeling sad and depressed, I really feel it. It sets me into hibernation mode.
Another thing people do not tell you is how much of a huger you become. I think it has to do with the emotions aspect and letting people know that you truly love and care about them via a meaningful embrace. I never use to be big on hugs but these days I welcome them. There is a special connection made when wrapped up in a hug. You could of course tell someone you care and love them but "actions speak louder than words" so go ahead and hug someone today. I have yet to meet a bereaved parent who does not welcome hugs (I'm sure there may be a few out there) but for the most part we welcome hugs. It is a sign to us that you do in fact deeply care about us and aren't afraid you may catch the "dead child" disease....as harsh as that may sound, I know there are people out there who feel if they are around us that means it is more likely their child will die. It's like being around someone who has cancer, yes they have a disease (though loosing a child is NOT a disease) but it is not contagious. Just because you are around Stephen or I does not mean your child will die, that the baby you are carrying will not make it. What makes that a possibility is 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss at any stage (miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death) it has nothing to do with us, you won't loose a baby because you were around us and we lost our boys...that's not how it works. So instead of stepping back like we have the bubonic plague, welcome us in a warm embrace. And for all you guys out there, hugging another guy is PERFECTLY OKAY! It takes a real man to show his emotions and a real man to hug another.
Now my daily house hunt update....we'll there isn't much of one. I had called yesterday to schedule a tour in a 2 bedroom upper apartment in Wortley Village (which is one of the areas we would be okay living in) but the landlord e-mailed me back today with the answers to the questions I asked him...we'll be cancelling that tour. The house has too many of the issues we have now, the stairs are outside (which we know is dangerous, especially come winter time) we do not have control over the heat (main floor does and I'm tired if being so cold all the time) and the people in the main unit smoke (we have that now and for Stephen and I who have bad allergies and asthma, the smoke coming up from downstairs is not good for our health) so I don't even want to go look at it. That being said, I know there will be something we have to give up and I don't know what on our wants and needs list it will be. I mean I REALLY love my bubble baths...they are one of the few things that relax me but for the perfect place that meets all of our other needs....can I sacrifice it for a year or two? I guess it will depend on what we find. I know the perfect place is out there, I toured it last year but it has been rented and I have no idea if those people intend on moving anytime soon and Stephen said I was crazy for wanting to leave them a note in their mailbox asking them to let me know (anyone else think that's crazy? I mean yeah it sounds crazy but it's harmless right?) We'll just have to keep looking. I think I do need to limit my looking though, maybe twice a day, it's exhausting when it's all I do right now all day long. I need to get a life outside the house, mainly because it is slowly killing me inside....I mean literally, it is to the point where I am now sick from it.
Speaking of sick...I plan on going to the doctors this week. I have had a very hard time breathing lately, using my inhaler about 2 or 3 times a day, my nose won't stop running, chest feels congested...I'm sure it's the house but hopefully she can give me something for it. I also will be getting pre-pregnancy blood work done, see where all my levels of EVERYTHING are at. I have noticed now that I am off my happy pills (which is going a lot better this time than the first despite having some very difficult things to deal with) that my energy has picked up slightly...still not there but better. I'm hoping once I get this house allergy taken care of that it picks up even more. I'm tired of being tired and I know Stephen is tired of hearing me complain that I am always tired. Maybe I am severely lacking in some kind of vitamin that is aiding to my sleepyness...we shall see! Or maybe it's still my thyroid...only my blood can tell.
My moo had surgery today to get his teeth cleaned. We know he had to get some pulled too but because he was sick earlier this week I've been scared it would affect how he could handle the anesthesia. I'm writing my blog a bit early today because come tonight I am to be mommy to my moo and take care of the little guy. Today was a hard day...not a smart week to go off my meds. I was so distraught and distracted on the way home, tears in my eyes and missing all my turns. It took me an additional 20 minutes to get home because I felt so bad. I knew I could not sit at home all day or it was going to take FOREVER so I dropped Stephen off and went to do some retail browsing (we're poor and trying to save to move so I couldn't do much retail therapy, though I did get a few more medium shirts because I am not fitting into my smalls with the ladies anymore) We can't pick Mi up for another 2 1/2 hours so I figure I can get some apartment hunting down in the means time....
Speaking of apartment hunting I have come to a realization. We simply cannot move to the East end of town. Until last night I was the one telling Stephen to consider it. His point (and it was valid) was that he works out here, we go to church out here and we work at the church so it would be pointless to move across town when we're in this end all the time. That being said, I had to keep reminding him we could get a lot more for our money in the East end but last night I had a panic attack. I had scheduled a viewing for us in the East end in a really nice bungalow house (upper floor) I was laying in bed trying to picture what it may be like to live there and all of the sudden my heart sank and I started to panic....it will simply take way to long to get to my boys. My boys are in the West end and I cannot be away from them, so our search is very limited now. We may have a very hard time and have to wait longer or seriously consider the building option. I just cannot be away from my boys, it is too hard. I wish things were easier, I wish we could afford to get into a place that didn't have so many problems but the reality of child loss many do not realize is how much of a financial hit couples take. But for my boys I will sacrifice for a smaller place just so I can be close to them. I get to anxious thinking about being so far away from them (and yes I realize the other side of town really isn't that far, but to me it is) so house hunting just got a lot harder. It makes me feel worse that I didn't take the perfect apartment last year but we were not emotionally ready to move...I wonder if those people intend on moving anytime soon. It's starting to look like we will be in a building, I guess it won't hurt to go look at them at least. Who knows, maybe I will become fond of buildings (I HIGHLY doubt it but there is a small chance)
We have also decided to go back to the monthly meeting for Bereaved Families. We stopped going and had just been going to our stillbirth group/meetings but we do know a few new infant loss couples will be there so we feel we need to be there for them but even more so...we have not been back since we lost Jacob and I think it is time we go for his sake. We also know the speaker, she was our social worker while pregnant with Jacob (they made us switch once he was in the NICU, such a stupid idea and one I intend on voicing my opinion about) I'm very nervous to go, just like I was nervous the first time with Ty. But, having been I know what to expect. I can expect I'll need a box of Kleenex (oh goodness....why did I decide to go off my meds, I thought it was a good time but so many emotional things going on) It doesn't make it easier and I know once I do it'll be easier the next time, just like it was after Ty. I also get to hear about other angles and share my boys with others.
Speaking of which, I went to get my hair cut the (I can't stand my long hair, I needed it GONE) I referred to it as my grief cut, it has been long since loosing the boys because I became lazy and would just put it up every morning but now I HAVE to do it and I must say it feels so much better. Anyways, I was at the hair dressers and she did my hair for our wedding last year, didn't expect her to remember much and at the time I was 4 months pregnant but we never discussed the babe inside, she never mentioned it so I thought she didn't know...I was wrong. As I sat in her chair she said "so a lot has been going on you got married and had a baby".....my heart sank so I told her. I said yes we had a baby but he died. Cue the awkward moment.....I then went on to explain what happened and that Jacob was not our first loss and went on to talk about Ty. I only have a few tears in my eyes as I shared my love for Ty and Jacob. It turns out she had 4 miscarriages, 3 before any living children came along. But we talked a lot about the boys and trying to stay hopeful about future possibilities and then she cut my hair and now it is all gone!
Okay time to go get my mooie man.
Stephen and I went to see our first apartment today...by that I mean we have never looked at apartments together. It was a huge step in the hunt for a new house. I had to explain to Stephen why you have to go and tour places....pictures are VERY deceiving. The apartment today was case and point. It looked cute and warm and inviting from the few photos posted online but once we got there it was tiny (tinier than our current apartment) and very cold and dingy, old...just not some place that felt very "homie" but we managed to get out to see our first place and I am setting up a few more places for us to go see. I decided to even take a look at some apartment buildings...can I get an what what!!!! Yeah that's right Mrs. Anti Apartment Building has decided to cave and at least take a few tours of buildings. It will have to be the perfect apartment though, and on the 2nd or 3rd floor..no higher no lower and our bedroom MUST be on an outside wall. I do not want to deal with noisy next door neighbours. I have very strict restrictions for apartment buildings. We are also going to see a place on the other side of town but we figured it we are out looking at places we have a better chance of getting a feel for what we must have and what we do not want. I can also rest better knowing I am being pro-active about the housing situation. Over the next week we'll have a good 3-4 places to visit and see and maybe one will be the perfect home for us. Also, in our search I have learned that Google maps is severely mistaken most of the time.
On a completely different and kind of cool subject, does anyone else see anything in the picture below? Look carefully at the picture of Ty's shadow box...do you notice the angel face and wing over looking Ty? I noticed it the other day while sitting on the couch. You can't see it in his actual shadow box but in this picture you can...kind of cool eh?
I was debating whether or not to post this but I need some answers, or at least opinions. I have no doubt that Ty's little spirit is with us, I know he is here. I'm not sure about Jacob's but there have been a few times where I thought it may be him. Obviously I believe in something, what that is I'm not sure but something happened the other day at church and I've been left to wonder. Stephen and I headed to the church for our weekly Saturday night cleaning. He usually takes the basement while I take upstairs. I had brought the vacuum and the broom up and went to turn the lights on in the nave. As I was turning on the lights something caught the corner of my eye and as I turned to look I saw what I thought appeared to be a fluffy white angel wing, it was about mid height when I was turning to see it and as I saw it it fell to the floor in a rather quick matter, like a blink of my eye. At first I thought it was someone in there so I slowly approached where I saw this fluffy white angel wing but there was nothing there......except a small white feather. Could it really have been an angel wing that I saw? Call me crazy but I know I saw something that cannot be explained.
Today is day two of no meds and I have a feeling my sense of hopelessness steams from the lack of happy pills in my system. I decided this week would be a good week because there isn't much going on, it is suppose to be sunny and warm every day (which usually helps my mood sans happy pills anyways) and I'm tired of all the side effects I am having from them....so what does no meds look like? A mess, tears for the most part but not out of control like they use to be. I'm sad, I'm sure anyone that has lost their children would feel sad and cry...it's a normal part of my grief and I need to deal with it now while I have the time. I don't feel edgy or anxious like I use to...given I still am dealing with loosing weight and trying to find a new place to live which are a bit stressful but I have to learn how to cope with my stress. The house hunt is exhausting...I'm just not finding what we need/want. I don't have a problem being here another month or two, I don't want to move just because we have to move...I want it to be for the right place. I will continue to exhaust my options and find us a better, bigger, mouse/mold free home. So I know my stress will continue to be a bit high over the next little while but I'm going to learn how to deal with it. I'm going to learn of ways to cope and be active in my grieving instead of sheltering myself. I have no other choice, if I ever want to feel happiness again then I need to get my butt actively grieving, no more passive grieving.
6 months ago at this very moment I was told that Jacob was crashing, my numb feet and terribly sore belly made their way into a wheel chair to be wheeled down to see my baby boy....thinking this was it, he was going. I remember the fear in my heart, the tears in my eyes being rolled down the hallway by Stephen thinking and praying that he would be okay. I didn't care how I looked or who saw me balling my eyes out, my baby was dying and I wanted him so badly to be okay. I remember going into his room and having him baptized immediately. Shortly after that he and God decided they had other plans, they decided that he would spend a little bit more time on earth before he joined Ty. 6 months ago Jacob was still alive. We were all still holding onto hope, praying he would make it through, praying he would truly be a miracle in ever sense of his being. He was surrounded by constant love, never alone for a moment. Stephen and I were at his bed side as much as recovering from a c-section would allow me to be. I was in so much pain but I did not care, my baby needed me. How I wish I could have done more, how I wish I could have held him a little longer....
I cannot believe it has been 6 months. After we lost Jacob, Stephen and I discussed trying again at 6 months...well it's here and we are not ready. It has gone by pretty quick in the long run, though at moments it seemed to take forever. 6 months after we lost Ty we were already 3 months pregnant with Jacob. A part of me wishes I was at the phase with a new one but the rest knows we are not ready. So much has happened in 6 months, I still have so much grieving to go. I need to work on my guilt...just writing this blog about Jacob makes me feel so guilty that I'm not talking about Ty, that I didn't have a 6 month blog for Ty, that I didn't even have a blog after Ty. I have not learned how to balance the grief between my boys, it is something that will take a long time, if it is possible at all. Ty never got the respect he deserved at his month mark because we were so pre-occupied with Jacob. It is something I can never change but I can only build on it from here. 6 months have gone by so fast but then I think, it's been almost 17 since we said Hi and Bye to Ty and that is even harder to believe. 17 months, it sounds like an eternity and it sure has felt like one! 17 months since our world was turned upside down and it has yet to work itself back out. We continue to struggle, we continue to hold onto hope, we continue to have dreams, we continue to work with our regrets. 17 months may not feel like that long to most but to us, who have had our lives changed and have continued to struggle the last 17 months, it has been slow!
Since we are no where near being ready to try again we decided it was probably a good time to schedule our pre-conception meeting with our high risk OB. It's a good thing I called when I did, it'll take 6 weeks to get into there (which I completely understand) and we requested to be put at the end of the day so we can ask all the questions we want and won't feel bad about holding pregnant women up. I thought surely at 6 months we'd be ready and at this point Stephen is, I'm the one who is not. I want to loose all of Jacob's weight (5 more lbs) I want to get my thyroid under control (which is taking forever) I really would LOVE to be able to move (even find a new place to move into in a few months) and most importantly, I need to get back to work. I need to make up my 600 EI hours again and knowing how anything can happen in pregnancy I'd like 600 hours in before I'd be 24 weeks. We are already struggling and I could only imagine if something happened before my 600 hours were in and then I wouldn't qualify for EI Mat leave...that would be a disaster. Though I do think at this point we have made the decision we do want to try again..at least once more and see how it goes. I still cannot believe it has been 6 months and almost 17 months...I really miss my angels, the days are not getting easier and the tears are still falling.....until I can hold you again for ever baby boys...sending my love little ones!
First, let me start by saying I survived today!!!! I was very anxious the past few days but I managed, though now I am totally exhausted and a bit emotional. Things went, saw some pregnant people and did okay with it….still hard but managed. We finally met Ty and Jacob’s cemetery mates parents. For as much as we go to the cemetery we have never run into them but I recognized a picture they put up today and it was nice to meet them and hear their little guys story. There is an infant loss group starting this month that we intend on going too and now we will know two couples. We walked, talked and won a raffle prize (I picked the dog food to donate…there was a table of stuff to choose from and sure the soft heatable slippers would have been nice, knowing how cold my feet get, but I figured there was a dog in a rescue group that would enjoy a bag of food much more) So I managed….I can barely keep my eyes open now from the exhaustion but I got through and I was able to go to our SAYF committee meeting, though at some points I could feel the tears starting to well up. Thankfully the meeting was short and we were able to get out of there pretty quick and no one asked about my shirt, I may have lost it if they did.
So on to the topic of this blog…..the issues with renting. I have never had so much trouble finding a place to rent, given I use to be okay with buildings but now that I am anti building for many valid and good reasons, it is hard! I have been looking for a year and still feel guilty for passing up some great opportunities but we were just not emotionally ready. Here’s the issues I am running into which is making this so hard.
1. I find most rentals are geared towards students. There are more than just students in London looking to rent but it seems the majority of places are for students only. Stephen nor I are students, we both work (well, will be working) and have a family. Why is it so hard to find a decent property for us to rent? They probably think most couples with a family want a bigger place, a house perhaps…well yeah we’d LOVE a house but the reality of the last year financially has made that impossible. We can only afford an apartment right now but we’re not students. Landlord, please recognize that there are people who are not students that do require a place to rent.
2. Most landlords require proof of employment, which for Stephen is fine but he doesn’t make enough to just support rent so we need mine…how can I supply proof of employment when I am off on LTD. Most landlords do not accept LTD and I understand, they just want to make sure they get their money but we have never missed a payment and I keep telling all of them we can give excellent current landlord references if they are worried. Some also want credit checks, Stephen has no credit and mine is just starting to build and most places want a few years’ worth. We don’t have it. One of the main reasons we do not qualify for a mortgage is because we do not have a few years of solid work. We’ll never be able to get into a house because life is unfair. We do not have solid work history because we have dealt with losing our two sons and no amount of references or credit can provide security. I get it, they all have protocol but we already struggle with enough, we just want to catch a break.
3. Most places say no pets. Firstly, that is actually illegal. Where we live tenants have the right to own pets and landlords can’t do anything about it. I do understand if they say no dogs for noise reasons even though they really can’t. Secondly, when you list a place for rent that says “due to allergies” no pets allowed. Are you going to be living with us? Because if we are in a self-contained apartment then our pets will not bother your allergies. And if one more person I call asks if we have pets and says I should get rid of them I’m going to go off on them.
4. Our budget does not fit what we need. We aren’t poor but we do need more space, more space seems to equal a few hundred dollars more and given everything we have been through in the last year we don’t have extra cash. It sucks, It’s hard to deal with but the reality is, there is no point moving into another one bedroom when we really need more space. I understand landlords are in the business to make money but some of the prices are ridiculous. Just because you have an “older home” does not mean it is worth more. Who in their right mind would pay $1300 for a one bedroom apartment just because it is in an older home, you could have a mortgage for that price. Some landlords are really ripping people off. Where are the good hearted ones, the ones who would be willing to only make a bit of money but help a young struggling couple out….HA, I guess we don’t live in that kind of world. We have a budget set based on our finances now but it seems that won’t get us what we need so we’ll have to wait.
5. There are certain areas of London I am not willing to live in for safety reasons. Especially with Stephen going out and be having to be home a lone. I know crime can happen anywhere but if you look at the police reports there are a few areas they tend to happen way too much and I don’t want to raise a family in those areas. Also, we are the maintenance people for church, Stephen works out here and our boys are out here (out here means the west end) our lives are in the west end, we are here every day and would be here every day even if we moved so it seems a bit pointless to move all the way across town and take a 30-45 minute drive one way through town and back every day and a few times a day. It’s not practical for us to move to the other side of town, I have looked though as prices out there are a bit more reasonable…but guess who there for!!!! STUDENTS!
6. I really wanted a 3 bedroom to begin with but have come to terms with the fact it is not happening so I decided on two….but it seems 2 bedroom apartments are sparse. Theres plenty of one bedrooms, theres plenty of 3, 4, 5 bedrooms but very few 2 bedrooms.
7. We need something all inclusive or something a bit cheaper and we’ll pay hydro. There happens to be many places we would be able to afford….but once you add in the cost of utilities it pushes it out of our budget.
8. I am a bit anti apartment building. I have had so many issues with living in them in the past that I do not want the added stress of having to worry about it. Given, we do have some of the issues here as well but no where near as bad as being in a building. My reasons are valid, police have been involved more than once. I find the companies that own large buildings do not care about their tenants either, I have had nothing but horrible customer service from the building supervisors and the people in charge.
9. Also, just a note to people trying to rent a place out, one, pictures do help. If you don't have pictures it makes me feel like you are trying to hide something and most of the time when I google the address I know what the house looks like from the outside which says a lot about the inside. And, please give a decent description of what you are renting because one bed, kitchen, nice area, laundry....well that could be a box under the bridge for all I know....
So here I am, a year into our search and wishing I had just pushed myself to move when I found the few decent affordable places I looked at. I sit every single day and see if any new adds are posted on a host of apartment/house rental sites. I pray that something opens up, something that we can afford and that suites our needs. Something free of mold and mice. Someplace that won’t make me physically ill. Someplace where on the coldest mornings of the year I wake up and have heat instead of the heater being broken and us freezing. It has gone off every morning that the temps dip below 5…it’s cold! I have to go turn it back on now. At least I was able to get in a nap.
When people ask me what my self imagine is, I can't answer anymore. When I think of how other people view me I find most people probably think "the poor soul who lost her two little boys". But my grief is not all encompassing of me. Of course, it has a LARGE part in my life and always will but there is more to me than my losses...I just haven't figured it out yet. I know my old self, the one who loved camping, hiking, going on road trips, playing hockey, apple picking, cooking, baking, being very independent, etc....I remember that girl. I look at pictures and remember her and think of how far I am from her now. Maybe it is the stage of grief I am in at this very moment and I just need more time for parts of that girl to come back. Maybe they will never come back and I will be a completely different girl. It's a hard journey learning how to re-imagine oneself. What parts of the old me do I try to hold on to and bring back, what parts do I let go. How do I incorporate them into the new me? When the loss of my two boys is so prominent at the moment and my whole life revolves around them, where do I fit other things in? At this moment I live in my loss, that is where I am but I am trying to re-image myself.
I'll start with what I do know. Loosing Ty and Jacob has completely changed me. I have learned so much and grew so much over the last 17 months (I can't believe it has been almost 17 months since we said Hi and Bye to our Ty guy.....) I know now that I care deeply about others. When they hurt, I hurt, when they cry, I cry, when they feel hopeless I feel hopeless. I want to help those that hurt, I want to put a smile on their face even if for a brief moment. I want them to know I think of them and their angels. I want them to know their angels will never be forgotten. I now have a purpose in life, at a young 28 years old I know why I was put on this earth. I am here to help, to help those who hurt and who are in pain. I am here to comfort and cry with those who need it. I will live my life to see others through the pain of child loss. I will fight for our rights, for our recognition, for our angels who are the purpose behind everything we do.
I know I look forward to sunny days. I look forward to the fall (which I thought would never be possible, we lost both boys in the fall) but I do look forward to apple picking again and hiking through the cool sunny weather crunching my boots through the leaves.
I know I like Dragon Gate and Starbucks dates with my hubby and Danielle (which the trio will only be a duo for about 2 years) I know Danielle is one of the only people I feel completely comfortable around, she has seen us at our worst and best and was one of the blessed ones to be in the room holding Jacob while he was passing away. I know she really is more family than friend. I know I miss her horribly and still am not use to not being able to call her for a lunch date.
I know I have tried to right all my wrongs from the past. Some have turned out to be a blessing and I have re-connected with some of the most important people I grew up with. Some not so much but I can sleep at night knowing I did my part to forgive and heal. I know life is precious and I chose to reach out to those I hurt because I wanted them to know that I still think about them all the time and really do truly miss them. I know I believe in second, third and fourth chances.
I know our lives are blessed with such great support, we have such amazing family and friends and a great church community. I know without all of these people loosing the boys would be much, much harder. I know loosing the boys also brought us into a new family of people we truly love, people who know our pain and don't judge. People who just get it.
I know I still have the ability to laugh and not feel guilty. I know I still like to get out with those close to me for some hot beverages just to get some normalcy in my life. I know as much as I have become a homebody, parts of me still enjoy others company. I know that I am growing up because I now drink tea. Given there's only one flavour but I am working on #2.
I know I still like to cook and bake and I'm becoming spectacular at it (or so I am told). I know that I can still learn new things, as demonstrated by my sewing and setting up my own small business. I know that I still enjoy learning new things. I know that it now takes me a lot longer to think things through and I often don't figure them out until I am in the middle of a project and have to go back and re-do it. I know I get frustrated very easily these days when I can't figure something out. I know I can usually go to Stephen and he can solve most of my problems (he was the one afterall to show me how to finish the neck on the albs for church) I know there are other hobbies I am getting into but that I need to work on my frustration first in order to handle not so great outcomes. I know I am bound to make mistakes and I need to work on forgiving myself.
I know on days I go to the cemetery and don't see deer that the boys send extra special messages those days. Today I received a very extra special message. It was a cloudy day in London today and as Stephen and I were heading out to dinner (yes we went out simply because the kitchen is clean for once and I did not want it to get dirty) and close to our house there was a small sunny spot in the shape of a halo with sunrays shinning down (one of Jacob's signs) and at the sunray farthest to my right I saw a rainbow....truly a special sign from my angels which has made my night!
I also know I am crafty, the shirts below I made for our walk tomorrow. I made one last year but it doesn't apply anymore as we now have two angels and I also made Stephen one (he didn't have one last year) Time to put the kleenex in the purse, pack up the boys and get ready for a very emotional morning.
I have mixed feelings about this coming Sunday, I am worried because my meds haven't really been doing much that I may not be able to handle everything that is happening. It is our yearly walk for Bereaved Families, which I really want to go to, but I fear how it will make me feel. I felt so guilty for not going at Christmas in memory of the boys and out of respect I want to go on Sunday but I know there will be pregnant women there and I don't know how seeing them at an already vulnerable time for me will make me react. It's one thing to be out in public where I can get away and not think much about it, but at a time when I am already sad and vulnerable, I think it may push me over the edge....but I don't want to miss it. I guess we can go and if it is too much then just leave when I need too. However, whether we go or not we also have a SAYF meeting (St Aidan's Young Families) which we are a part of. I didn't think it would really bother me the first time we went but I was wrong. Hearing all the other young moms (I don't mean like 16, I just mean more our age) talk about their kids really got to me. What am I doing to myself this coming Sunday. Two very emotional experiences for me on any given day but back to back...I don't think I can do it. I know Stephen can attend the meeting for me and give my regards and he may very well have too. I really fear the walk may set me off.
It through me into a panic today because I realized I had to make out shirts. Last year I made a shirt that said Mommy of an Angel...well we all know I can't wear that shirt anymore so I have to make a new one. I bought one for Stephen and I and will put Mommy and Daddy of Angels with the boys names on the back. I will have to get them done tomorrow as Saturday we will be out of town (or at least we're going to try, I don't know how far I will get) and it just caught up to me today that they have to be done. I feel rather anxious about this weekend, there is a lot going on and I don't know how I will cope but I guess all I can do is get out and try and if need be, I can come home. I may have to carry around my blanket or the boys hats for comfort but I know I will need something...this anxiety is just getting tougher and I haven't learned how to deal with it yet without being thrown into a panic. I can already feel it building, it sits heavy on my heart. But I feel I have to do it for the boys and sometimes I find strength in that. We'll see how it goes. If I don't write for a few days it's because I've become comatose with grieving and need some time to recoup.