I am finding that I have severely lack motivation lately. Motivation to do anything, especially housework. I decided in order to get myself going I needed to also be working on a projects that I would enjoy to have something to look forward too. Though we are not pregnant and with the new circumstances probably won't be any time soon, I still want to work in somethings for the "nursery". We ended up re-locating everything in our house and now have two bedrooms. One is the guest room with Stephens office in it and the other is mainly the nursery with our bed in it. The new theme I have for the nursery is greys, yellows, greens, whites and bees (and now that I mention it I do believe I have already mentioned this) but for those reading who didn't know that's the theme.
The bed is pretty bare, as it should be, and the colours are very subtle. Even though I know babies are not suppose to sleep with blankets I thought in the meantime I could add something to give it some more colour. Of course nothing existed in the colours I wanted and my motto is, when you can't buy it, make it. I've always thought quilts were very pretty, they just look so nice and baby ones, OMG cute! I've never made a quilt, never took a class on making a quilt, don't have the quilting stuff, all the fancy tools and such but I decided I'd make a quilt. This was decided as I was walking through Fabricland looking for my next project and I stumbled upon a bee fabric I loved and went from there. I spoke with a lady at the store for about 15 minutes gathering information on how to make a quilt. I came home and cut my squares by hand, no pattern and no quilt cutter thingy, so there weren't all exactly even. I watched a youtube video and away I went. I am at the binding stage and I think that has got to be the hardest part. Well, mainly the corners. I gave up for tonight because I've had to rip the seam three times now and had enough for the night. That being said, it looks pretty darn good. For it being my first ever quilt and having no idea really what I am doing, I'm impressed with myself. I'll post a picture when it is all done. I debated whether or not to sew it together, you kind of have to sew somewhat in the middle but I don't have a fancy machine and I'd die if tried to sew crosses in each square and messed it up. My solution - sew by hand, I'll sew where every square meets just to secure it to the back a bit. I also bought some little bees I may sew on, there so cute.
Since I am almost done that project I am looking for the next. I made a bee mobile awhile back but I think it's too much for right now so I want something a little more subtle. I haven't been on Pinterest in ages but took a gander tonight and found quite a few that I liked so I'll have to try some of them out. When the nursery is done I will post pics. I think I will be quite pleased with it. I also sewed another really soft and extra warm blanket and have to add the binding to it but it as well is cute and goes perfectly in the nursery. Though the nursery may never be filled at least it will look cute! I also think I will make each of our children a quilt and maybe even when we foster, I can make our foster kids a quilt. Something special to show how loved they are. (I may have never mentioned it but we are considering fostering down the road as well as adoption and hopefully our own child or two)
I didn't get anywhere with the doctors today, my High Risk OB should be calling back Monday. I spoke with his secretary and she said he doesn't normally treat infertility but since he knows us so well he may (crossing my fingers and toes) and that I'd be able to get in somewhat soon. I really do hope we can get somewhere with him. I hope all he suggests is progesterone. I was scared when my doctor said Clomid. But after doing a lot of reading, it sounds like they use that if you don't ovulate. That's not my problem so I'm hoping I don't need it and all I need is some extra progesterone. I also hope that can be dealt with soon. We still aren't planning on trying but I need to know that my body can handle it. I need a cycle or two with progesterone to see if my body can even do what it is suppose to while on it.
As for the other thing I can't mention yet...I'm slowly getting ready for it. I met with someone yesterday and went shopping today, sorting some things out and next week I plan on diving right in. I know most of you probably have no clue what I am talking about and for right now that's good. I have a blog all set and ready to go when I can post away...but it may take awhile.
Garden cleaning and shoe shopping tomorrow, church on Sunday and a week without the car....I have to make sure to get things I need for the mobile project before I become stranded at home for a week! Pictures to come.
Let me begin by saying, don't ever say to a woman who has had a loss "You can always try again". This statement is a stab to the heart for a few reasons. One, we don't care if we can get pregnant again, that baby is a new baby, it doesn't replace the baby we lost and more importantly, two, some people cannot get pregnant again. I've mentioned a few times that there is more going on than I can mention but since I have an understanding of what is going on now I will share the next struggle we now have to face.
I write this blog with a very heavy heart and many tears of frustration, anger, sadness and hopelessness.
Not only have we dealt with the loss of our two boys but now we get to struggle through infertility. We can't currently get pregnant, we can't currently try again because if we do, nothing will happen. I told you we never get a break and this just adds to the huge amount of stress I am now under (and no my infertility has nothing to do with stress, it's my body) For the last 5 months I have been charting my cycles. I have charted for years and before both of the boys I have never had a problem. I was recently diagnosed with LPD (Luteal Phase Defect) For those who do not know what this is, the time between when I ovulate and my cycle begins needs to be at least above 10, preferably 12 days, in order for a pregnancy to hold. If it is less (a defect) you cannot get pregnant. Well you can get pregnant but you will continue to have early miscarriages. My phases have been between 5 and 9 with the last being 7. I am currently not able to get pregnant. I cannot even begin to describe all the emotions I have gone through the last month knowing what was coming. I'm not dumb, I knew this was a problem, I chart I know. The hard part was hearing it, hearing the doctor say it and knowing that meant we have many hurdles ahead. I have done a tremendous amount of research and asked many opinions to others who have it. The treatment (this is the part which is not so bad, I know what's wrong therefore I can be treated) varies seemingly doctor to doctor. Some doctors prescribe progesterone to take all the time, some prescribe to take a few days after ovulation (which is easy for me since I chart) and some use clomid. The issue with clomid is it increases the chance of having multiples, not that we wouldn't be greatful for having two lives join us at once but that's double the financial responsibility of having a child all at once with no time to plan.
Now this may sound like it's not that bad because it is treatable. Let me assure you, this still does not work for all women. Some women do not respond well to the treatment and have further infertility problems. The other thing is the monitoring. Just to get pregnant involves a lot of ultrasounds and blood tests, thankfully all covered by OHIP. The huge problem for us though, clomid and progesterone are not considered "needed drugs" according to the OHIP drug coverage protocol so this leaves us SOL when it comes to having to pay out of pocket for infertility medication and let me tell you, it's not cheap. So not only do we suffer emotionally from this new struggle but we continue to struggle financially.
The other struggle, finding a doctor who will treat us and not in the required one year wait. Most places do not treat unless you haven't been able to conceive in a year. Under normal circumstances that's fine but we're not under that category. We have had two losses and are aching to bring a child home. We also know what is wrong, what needs to be fixed. I spoke with my GP today, she can't treat it so she said to call my OB. I called my OB and normally I wouldn't have any issues because her secretary V knows us well and fits us in quickly but she is off on Mat leave so I spoke to a woman who has no clue. She has never worked in this department and doesn't even know our OB. I didn't get very far with her. They aren't booking until October (cue the tears and trying to explain our situation to her) but she was able to get me an appointment in July (that's still months away just to get in and see her, that doesn't include the months of tests it takes) We also have to have our GP fax over a request and I don't think she will. Not for a few more months. I tried explaining that they aren't booking for awhile so if I could at least get referred now and then cancel if things turn out better for us (I don't forsee that happening though, once you have LPD it doesn't correct itself) I called our High Risk OB, waiting to hear back from his secretary tomorrow to see if he can help at all, even so, I'm sure we will not be able to get in to see him until end of May or June anyways. But we'll find out tomorrow.
Regardless, it will be a few months before we can even get in to see someone about this problem and a few more months undergoing tests and an incredible amount of emotional and financial stress. Our journey to bring a baby home continues to be a challenge and an ever long lasting one at that. Adoption is out of the question at this point. We will not qualify for our homestudy (our house is not up to code and we have no control over fixing it so that wouldn't be able to happen for another 2-3 years and even then, adoption is not guaranteed and it can take years for private adoptions, add the risk of the mother, father or grandparents changing their mind and we still risk heartache)
I am so incredibly tired, I have run out of hope. I can't say that I really have any faith left either. All I care about is being good so I can see my boys again one day. I never in a million years would have imagined how hard it would be to bring a baby home. Something I have always wanted, something we want so desperately, another obstacle has been thrown our way. I have no idea where to go from here. I don't even know if we want to bother with the stress of infertility. I wish there was an easy solution, I was there was a magic pill but there is not. Our next step is going to see a doctor about it. We'll start with the OB and go from there and pray that my high risk OB can help us and we can get in soon. We've waited long enough for a baby, I don't want the struggle to continue.
I also have Lipoma. Lipoma is (usually) a harmless fatty tumor. If it gets bigger or hardens then it will have to be removed but for the time being it sits (this was the fluid sack on my lower back I was talking about)
Today has been one of those days where I feel like throwing in the towel on life. You know the saying, when it rains, it pours? Well it's been pouring for 18 months and quite frankly, I am done trying to fight it. A friend sent me a card a few months ago with the quote " If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm" - Frank Lane. Stephen and I have been weathering the storm for 18 months now, we have put in our time and are ready for the sunshine. It just seems like there is no end in sight. I can't stop thinking about that quote (there is actually a few I find very fitting) I try to recognize that we have been blessed through our struggles because we have but when the big things aren't positive it is hard to view them as a blessing. We have and continue to dance through the rain and along the way we have tried our hardest to bring out the sunshine but it seems someone out there is always after us. It's always something. We struggle with things most people deal with, fiances and jobs but it wasn't our choice to be in those situations and we have done our hardest, worked our butts off to try and fix those things in our life, but as we know, this world is unfair.
We tried to cut back on bills so we cancelled services (of which we never signed a contract for) and got hit with huge penalties. Penalties that have been illegally sent our way because big brother Rogers can do what they want. They have a monopoly. There is no way to fight them, there is no way to dispute the charges because they will just report us for not paying our entire bill. We have fought tooth and nail with the Canadian government to have at least one month of credit's count since Jacob did live and we should qualify. We have dealt with their harshness telling us Jacob didn't exist to them (which I find a bit funny because they sent them in the first place because he did exist) Again this has just fueled my fire to make Canada pass a Child Death Benefit. We had no control over these things happening to us, we have been trying to balance out our lives, make wrongs right, pay off debt, get back on our feet but every time we try we are hit with resistance. I do not see how we can ever get out of where we are.
Stephen was passed over for the property manager job. The first person they offered it to turned it down, they didn't have anyone in mind. They like Stephen, they like his work but yet they passed over him. We have no idea what the future holds, how much longer they will keep paying him. We've been told September-October, who knows what our future holds after that. The blessing in that is, he will have enough EI hours but to go through all that BS again....we don't want too. I have no idea what is going on with my work. Right now I am not in the place to be able to go back. I have a lot to work through and a lot to think about and I feel pressured to suck it up and go back but I can't. The issues with me going back to work is that if Stephen and I get pregnant anytime soon (or wanted to adopt) I have no choice but to go back because I need my 600 hours for EI Mat leave. I will be forced to go back before I am ready and that will be a disaster. I have fought with EI to have my hours from before count, even if only half of the 600 count. We aren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't with Ty and Jacob either so we just need to be prepared.
I have run into countless issues with agencies that help those struggling. They only help people who make nothing, they don't help anyone who even makes a little. They only help people on welfare (the people who don't do anything to better themselves just use taxpayers money) no, they wouldn't help my husband when he was trying to better himself, when he was willing to take courses and look for a career. Because we had an income, even though it has been very small, they won't help. That leaves us in a category of being screwed. No one will help us. Thankfully, we have amazing parents (my mom and dad and Stephens dad) who have helped us get pay cheque to pay cheque. But other than them, there is no one. We are alone, hung out to dry from circumstances we had nothing to do with. We have had to fight to bring ourselves back to ground level but we keep being pushed back down.
There are a few more things than the above going on, big things, that add to all the stress but I cannot talk about them. One, not until I find out what is going on and the other, probably not until it happens. But there is a lot going on and we are honestly trying our hardest to stay above and do this ourselves because that's the only option we have, but it is a struggle. Nothing in life comes easily and we know that all too well. It just gets exhausting. Stephen has been sick with a cold and is now very run down. I was doing well (he's been sick for a week) but due to all the stress I am not getting sick as well. We are both tired, not sleeping, not knowing what to do next and just taking life as it comes. We try to look at all the blessings because all the negative stuff is overwhelming.
I guess all we can keep doing is dancing through the rain, weathering the storm because that is our life and that is how we have to learn to live. There is no sunshine and no matter how hard we try, we can't do anything to bring sunshine. We are stuck in the mud and the forecast is cloudy with more rain. I guess it's a good thing I have rain boots and a cute umbrella because I am strapped down and ready to deal with more rain. I want to give up, but I can't. I feel like throwing in the towel, but I can't. I don't see the problem with staying at home and becoming a permanent hermit, heck, these days I can order anything from online.....the problem lies in money. Doesn't it always seem to be about money? People who have a lot are unhappy, people who have little are unhappy.....all we ask is that we can be the people in the middle who have enough to get by but also be happy. I can only pray that things start to turn around for us. I know they don't have to and I know they probably won't but I have to have hope. If I don't have hope, I have nothing.
P.S. Stephen has a sinus and ear infection, don't even get me started on how much anti-biotics are when not covered by insurance....well in all honesty generic brands probably aren't as bad as the one the hubs had to get but he needed the horse pills to knock out his illness. He needs to get better so he can start taking care of me again!
I was wrong about not needing the gravol. I ended up taking some Ibuprofen and then a gravol but nothing did the job. I slept all of maybe two hours. There is a reason but I do not feel comfortable talking about it right now. Let's just say my mind was running and it would not stop! Something has been going on the last few months that has become an issue and it's on my mind. I'm hoping to get some answers this week as I would like to share but not until I have more information (no I'm not pregnant) it's just another struggle we have incurred.
In other news I am beyond excited to have found out that my Bestie D is coming home this summer AHHHHHHH. She left in January for law school in England and didn't plan on coming home but she is! 4 weeks in the summer and during the winter...I am super stoked. I thought it would be two years before I saw her again but nope :0) I have something really exciting to look forward too. I also am no longer a Skype virgin....I had my first session today. It went well and I was so happy to see D.
I was up early this morning, not that I was sleeping anyways, and headed out with A. We had a nice morning out and I think a few Saturdays a month we will be up early and out garage saleing. It's nice to get out without the hubs and with good company. I look forward to our Saturday adventures...My goal is to find the weirdest things at garage sales and post them for some good laughs.
Keeping this short and simple as I think I have finally caught my husbands cold. Now he can get a taste of what he is like when he is sick because I plan on having "the man cold" to him! But before I go....
We go to Remark every Sunday as part of our family day and sometimes we are there during the week to get fresh produce. We stand in line at different cashiers all the time and have been going for almost two years now....Today was a special day. How can I deny that Ty and Jacob aren't around when, while standing in line I look at the candy display right next to us (and have a thousand times) and this is what I see....Mommy loves you boys
Today was another okay day, I mean when you get a massage AND get a nice dinner out with the hubs, you can't really go wrong. Oh and don't forget seeing the newly born baby geese waddling through the cemetery as well!
My day started off like any other day..I woke up. Actually I woke up twice. The first time at 6:30am with a horrible migraine so I popped my miracle drug maxalt and fell back into dream land. The second time was 10:10am. I ate my usual breakfast, yogurt and a hard boiled egg, showered, saw the hubs off and decided to clean the stove. Made some lunch, hubs picked me up and we were off to our massages.
Something interesting happened at my massage today. The masseuse had just come in and was going to begin and she asked me about the small bump on my back. I've had a small little sack on my lower back, kind of where my tailbone is, for awhile now. I thought it was just a fat sack but she said it is a fluid sack and that those often are related to infertility...so of course this got my attention...I proceeded to tell her about the boys (not sure if she knew from my tattoos or what) regardless, she recommended I speak to an osteopath and see my doctor. So now I am very intrigued, has anyone ever heard of anything like this before? I would have loved to see the osteopath that works with her but $125 is kind of a steep price for us at the moment....Maybe I can at least start with my doctor and perhaps look around London to see if I can find another osteopath at a better price. Now I really need to know. Other than that the massage went really well. I feel so incredibly relaxed and I know I always say it but I really do want to treat myself to some every now and then. I just wish they weren't so darn expensive! The hubs really enjoyed his too, it was a nice treat for us.
And to follow the nice treat I decided we were going out for dinner tonight because I did not want to have to do any dishes. We picked Moxies because it is relatively a cheap place, but nice and the food is really good! I got an open face steak sandwich and sweet potato fries (I'm addicted to them) and it was so delicious! It was a nice way to end our afternoon.
The hubs is still sick with his man cold (for all the women out there, you MUST watch this clip, you'll know what I'm going through these last few days : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ
Men are so whiny when sick...anyways, he wanted me to drop him off at home before I went to see the boys. I was fine with that because then I could take my time. I've become quite fond of my walks and quiet time. I bundled up and went my usual route and stopped for about 10 minutes to watch the new baby geese...they were sooo cute. I'm talking like two or three day old geese, I just wanted to pick them up and cuddle though dada goose was NOT going to let this happen so I just stood in the rain in watched them. It was raining but I didn't mind. It was really refreshing. Summer rains are my favourite. Not only do they smell simply wonderful but standing outside in the warmth and wetness, it's so freeing.
Now I am at home, getting ready to take a relaxing bath, thinking I won't need the Gravol tonight since I am so relaxed from my massage still. Doze off into dreamland and up early for a girl date! Some rummaging through well...rummage then off to Knit for Peace at the Cathedral. I'd say from 2pm today until 2pm tomorrow is an okay 24 hours...after yesterdays mishap it is needed!
It's the little unexpected things of everyday life that, just when you think you are doing well, knock you back down. I woke up today having a relatively okay day. Not great not bad but okay. I had my lists of things to get done, did some dishes, sewed a bit and headed off to get my chest x-ray. When I schedule the appointment yesterday I scheduled for the place in Byron in case Stephen needed the car I could walk. What I failed to realize until I walked into the office and tried my hardest not to start balling....the last time I stood in that office, the last time I walked up those stairs, the last time I parked my car outside I was not alone. Stephen, my mom and dad were all there. We were there to find out the gender of our first baby. We were innocent, we were happy, we were excited. Walking out of those doors and down to our car with our little envelope holding the cookie which would represent the gender of our baby. We were so ignorant to pregnancy and infant loss, all we wanted to know was what we were having. It was the day we found out Ty was Ty. It was the day my suspicions were confirmed. I knew I was having a little boy and standing in that parking lot opening our envelope to reveal a blue cookie.
Our first born was no longer an "it" or "the baby" or "the little one", our baby was now Ty. I was right, as I usually am, and I held onto that blue cookie with such pride and joy. I still have that blue cookie, I still have the memories of that day. As I walked out of that office today all I could do was cry. There was no happiness just sorrow. Being asked the question "Is there any chance you could be pregnant"......how I wish I could have answered yes, yes I am pregnant with our rainbow. Instead I uttered no, there is no chance. I walked down those stairs, out the office and to my car where the tears fell. I did not hide them anymore for I was alone. That moment changed my day into a sad day. It was unexpected, I did not realize until I got there when I was there last.
I have been having the anxiety attacks lately. The tightness of the chest, the pain, the trouble breathing, the sweating, the shaking come at the worst of times but normally it's just that heavy pressure sitting in my chest. The only way I can resolve it is to take a trip to the cemetery. It is my solace. I park the car, check in with the boys and then go for a walk. I have my usual route but some days I change it up. I walk and admire the trees, I walk and admire the deer, groundhogs, geese and whatever other wildlife comes out that day. Yesterday I stood in a field of butterflies, just admiring the beauty of them. I admire the beauty of nature, the tall old tress seem like such gentle souls. They sway back and forth in the wind. As I walk I breathe, I inhale, I exhale.....I am one with my surrounding. I walk by all the headstones, read the names and dates. I visit the Simpson kids and Duncan. Some times I stop at the white cement gazebo and just sit...I sit and close my eyes. I pray to God to bring us some happiness. I pray he guides me in some of the most difficult decisions I have to make in the coming weeks. I pray for a fruitful womb and cringe at the fact that I now have to specify, living, breathing, healthy baby...not just a baby because I know the truths of this world. A baby does not mean it will come home with us. I pray for a child to bring home and get the chance to raise, to parent. I finish my walks by stopping by to see the boys again. Pray to them, talk to them, close my eyes and listen for their whispers in the wind. I sometimes sit and read to them, other times (depending on the weather) I just stand and sway back and forth. I talk to the other kids and let them know that this year they will have a nice garden, for all of them. I leave feeling a sense of hope and newness. I can breathe again.....that is until the next unexpected little thing in life knocks me back down.
There is little that gets me excited these days, but like most things, helping those with infant loss really melts my heart. I know I mentioned in the first part of my blog yesterday my idea about the stones....well it was confirmed today this will be a go ahead project. The lady who makes these has such a kind heart. She did an amazing job with the boys headstones and the special footprint stones she made for us. She is also the one who volunteers to inscribe the names on the memory wall at the Bereaved Families garden. She's been a pretty special part of our life and I am so happy this relationship gets to continue. We decided we will do 20 stones every 1-2 months (as she does have other headstones to make and I will be returning to work we don't want to get ourselves in over our heads) The price of the stones will be $15 (which includes shipping to the US and Canada) but 1/3 of that price will go to various infant loss charities (a few I have in mind: Molly Bears, Sustaining Grace, Lil' Angel Hankies, Butterfly Kisses, Glory Babies, Mara's Memory Bracelets....I know there are a lot more and especially ones that have sent me stuff personally) Instead of picking just one each month we will donate to a different charity. I can't tell you how excited I am to get this up and running. I decided to make things easy for me, run it through Tycob's Boutique...we'll at least start there and see if we need to move to another page, maybe make one for Memory Ty's....
I'm so thankful I found my own special way to help the infant loss community. I wish I could not have to charge anything but unfortunately shipping stones is not that cheap and making them does make some time. All of my profits from the rainbow onesies that I sell at Tycob's Boutqiue do go towards helping the infant loss community and maybe through those I can offer some free stones to people who can't afford them....the ideas are just piling up! Now I just have to figure out how to organize all the requests list and pick a day to open the requests....I'm aiming for the middle of May since it will take some time to have everything organized and in place. I think to be fair everytime I open a new request I will do it at different times of the day just to make sure everyone gets a chance.
And to end on a happy note....I have an absolute new favourite quote "Remember, when the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time".
This is very fitting after yesterday's appointment.......
Where to begin....let's see what my mind can remember. I'll start with something I find funny, a trip to court that my husband and I received at the end of our appointment. We got a parking ticket but we are going to fight it because the majority of our car was parked within the "allowed" parking spot and a sliver of our trunk was in the" no parking" spot and I do not think we should have to pay a ticket and if we do then it should only be 1/4th of the price because the majority of or car was parked in the allowed spot. We took a picture as evidence, I'll be interested to hear what they say. We've parked there about 25 times and never had a problem before so I don't know why it was today. Stay tuned for Jessica and Stephen go to court!
So today.....I was EXTREMELY nervous going to the appointment. I was doing somewhat okay until we walked the walk we have walked so many times, through those halls with Ty and Jacob. I registered and thankfully there were no pregnant women in the waiting room. However, the minute I sat down I started to have a anxiety/panic attack. I started sweating, shaking, trying so hard not to throw up because my stomach was feeling very very ill. I couldn't calm myself down, my hear started pounding and I started getting chest pain and all I could do was try to breathe. We were called in pretty quickly, though we did have to wait about 40 minutes. I'm sure Dr S. was a bit nervous too, actually I wonder if Dr's get nervous. I'm sure they are trained to not feel emotions when dealing with patients.
We discussed a lot, though I didn't have nearly as many questions as I thought I would. He didn't discuss much about the boys, only how we could try and prevent or work with the same outcomes as we did before. What happened to them is in the past and we know how to handle those circumstances in the future. What we did talk about was trying again. There was a lot more to that than I expected. I never went off pre-natal vitamins so he was happy to hear I have been on those for 7 months getting a really good store of vitamins in my body. We talked about all the other medication I was on and said that being on Iron the first few weeks was fine (the pharmacist said it wasn't) I may ask another pharmacist for their opinion. I have no problem being off of it for 4 weeks, my supplies aren't that low. Everything else was good, I know all my blood work came back peachy keen from Dr. B so I didn't really have many concerns. The only concern I had was that with Jacob I had two ultrasounds between week 5-7 (when the kidneys develop) and I asked him if there could even be a small chance it was co-related. He said absolutely not. There have been decades of studies showing they are perfectly safe. So I will feel reassured when we go in for a 6 week ultrasound that it will be okay. He said they do it to date the pregnancy but I chart my cycles, I know when I ovulate and we'll go by that date instead of my cycle date since it is more accurate and I ovulate about a week later than the normal "14 day cycle" and since we will be delivering early we want to make sure the baby is actually the correct age.
He said for the first few months (which I knew this) there wouldn't be much monitoring other than the in there every few weeks to check in and see how things are going (assuming everything is going along smoothly, if things aren't then it will be dealt with at the time) 18 weeks is when we would do the big ultrasound to see how everything is looking, fluid, kidneys, heart and all. Depending on what happens at this ultrasound will then direct my care from then on out. No matter what after 18 weeks I will be going in every two weeks, every two weeks I will have either a bed side scan or I will go to radiology for a scan, so from 18 weeks on, ultrasound every two weeks. I can't complain, I loved seeing Jacob so often and we have so many nice ultrasound pictures of him. He said they would monitor me this closely because, even though nothing shows up at 18 weeks, given our past with Jacob, they will have to monitor the kidneys. Not only that once we get into the later weeks (28 and up) they start monitoring the placenta and the baby's well being because of what happened to Ty. All in all I will be monitored a lot! (Kind of knew that though)
A hospital stay is very likely for my sanity. If everything is going as planned I would be admitted maybe 34-35 weeks (at the latest) so I could not die from overwhelming stress. Again, this is assuming everything goes as planned which the hubs and I know all too well, that is not always the case.
Now the interesting part and something Stephen and I did not plan on and now have to seriously consider. When we went in for our 6 week checkup I guess he phrased something wrong and we were under the assumption that if we tried to conceive before 15 months from giving birth to Jacob we'd have to do another c-section. I got all on board with this as I know a few moms who had their angels pass away during labour (though I don't know the full story, like if they were monitored throughout the birth, things like that) If any of you who read this have lost a baby during labour and feel comfortable answering some questions please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Anyways, that's not the case. He meant 15 months between births (which we are over and above going on almost 8 months since giving birth and the 9 months of pregnancy that would put us at 17 months) This was a bit of a shock when he started talking about induction. I hadn't even considered this an option before today, I thought it was c-section for sure. Here's what we have to deal with now.
We have the option of trying for a vbac assuming I don't have placenta previa again and the babe is head down (given my history this leans towards having a c-section anyways) If we opt for a vbac I can be induced around 36 weeks at the latest 37 weeks. My issues is that I have read and he did confirm there is a slightly higher risk of uterine rupture when you induce so that will have to be discussed. Not only that, I know a few mothers who have lost their baby during labour so there is that fear. I do not think I could live with myself if I went through a perfectly healthy pregnancy and lost the baby during labour. I would not be able to handle that. Though the thought of giving birth again is a bit intriguing. I could have anyone in the room with me and it would make it all that more special but I don't know if my heart is okay with taking the risk.
If we opt for another elective c-section then he suggested leaning towards waiting until 38 weeks because at that point the baby would most likely not require any NICU time at all. We are hoping to avoid the NICU if possible but we know it could save our baby's life. If we have another c-section scheduled we reduce the risk of needing an emergency one and possibly causing a lot of damage which would affect future children. If we opt for another c-section we can still (assuming everything goes well) try again. He said the most he has done has been 8 (we wouldn't get near that as we still want to eventually adopt) so we'd be okay.
So now we have a lot to think about because before today I was under the assumption if we tired before 15 months it'd be another c-section and I was all on board with that but now....he would like us to consider a vbac.....I know this may shock a lot of people because most ob's do not like doing vbacs and some refuse it but ours encourages it. We will not decided until very close to when the baby would be here but it just seems like another stressor to now consider......not what I was expecting.....
Other than that it went well. Had all our questions answered, he seemed pretty comfortable with everything we asked, seemed pretty confident in us trying again and thinking that both boys circumstances were "flukes" that it shouldn't happen again. Only time will tell......
There are few things these days that make me truly happy. One of them is helping other baby loss mamas. Within the last few days some have posted pictures on my wall of the surprise engraved stones I had sent out. I am beyond relieved and happy that they seem to be making there way home. I have had such bad luck with the Canadian and US postal services I was quite worried (they even managed to loose a tracked package) so I was expecting some not to make it. There are still some unaccounted for but I feel better that they are on there way or their mommy's just haven't taken a picture. It just makes me so happy to see how excited they get. I know how much it means to get something with your baby's name on it. It shows that people still think of you and your angels and that to us means the world.
Now the issue, because they have posted online a lot of people have been able to see these stones and they are taking off like wild fire. I have had so many requests to make them. I don't make them, the lady who made Ty and Jacob's headstones made them. But, I've been thinking....I've been trying to figure out a way Tycob's Boutique can help the baby loss community. I think this is the perfect opportunity. I do have to speak with the lady who does them but I am thinking every few weeks to send her a list of baby names, have her make them and then I will mail them out. Because I am not a millionaire and thanks to Rogers and the CRA, we're broke, I'm thinking of asking for people to pay for the cost of the engraving ($5) and shipping (around $7) so total it would be around $12. Just a thought I'm having and a ponder as how to go about this. Of course, I have to check with the lady first to see if she'd be willing to have a lot of work come her way. I probably will also have to only have the requests open once a month for a 24 hour period or so....or I could wait to see how busy I get. I'm excited at the prospects.....stay tuned, I think I found my niche for the baby loss community.
And I am going to end this post here....a happy post, one to be thankful for....because now I am off to the High Risk OB's and that deserves a post of it's own.....Blog Part Two will be posted later tonight
I've seriously considered going back onto my medication because the last few weeks have been hell. I have been so overly emotional and the stress is too much. I am getting the panic attacks again, the heavy chest pressure and pain (not heart attack like) and the inability to sleep due to a running mind (due to all the things I have to worry about) Since we have lost Jacob we have incurred some debt and not one cent of it was our own doing. It's companies thinking they can squeeze every penny out of customs and doing it so illegally. It's the government making us pay for Jacob dying...it's all too much. We have worked so hard at erasing out debt but big companies seem to think they can come after us for absurd charges.
I'll start with the government...you may all remember my rant about the CRA (which we still have to solve) When Jacob was born we knew he would not survive so we never signed up for anything but his health card and birth certificate (we wanted tangible things that validated his short life on earth) but nothing else. Come November I received something from the government about the Universal Child Care Benefit and the Children's Tax credit. We never signed up for these, why would we want to cause ourselves more pain when Jacob has already passed and we knew he'd never qualify. So I called and talked to a lady and asked her to stop sending them which she said they would. At that time her and I discussed the fact that we still qualified for one payment because Jacob lived two days so we would only have to pay back half of what they gave us. That was fine by me and we understood that. Well, we all know from last weeks rant that's not what happened. I was charged two moths of benefits so I had to call and the guy I spoke to said no, Jacob didn't qualify for any because according to their "payment protocol" it's like he didn't exist. Talk about stabbing me in the heart, my son did exist you idiot....don't ever say to a grieving mother that her child never lived....if I ever met that guy he's going to get punched in the face. So we argued back and fourth and I kept telling him, when I called in November I was reassured many times by the lady on the phone that I would indeed only have to pay one month's back and now he was telling me no two. I didn't have a choice on what to pay back they took my money from the tax return so now that they already have my money they don't care. The thing I do not get is that the guy on the phone said to them Jacob didn't exist, however, he existed to the extent that they sent the benefits to us because he did live, so the guy telling me we owe them because he didn't live (which makes no sense at all) when they sent them in the first place because he did exist...I'm so confused and pissed off I even have to deal with this. To the Canadian Government, you failed horribly as my government and I am ashamed of your behavior. I will see you face to face when I bring the Canadian Child Death Benefit to be passed and will shame you all in your behavior. You will pass it because it is needed and for all the emotional stress you have caused to grieving parents, you owe it to them!
Now my main trigger...Rogers (for those who don't know Roger's is a phone/cable/internet company, a big one) Ever since I have been a customer of Roger's I have had charges on my account that I have absolutely not been a part of. The only contract I signed was for our phones. I think about a year ago now we started being charged $25-$50 more a month for some phone thing, we thought at first it was that Stephen had gone over his data limit but he was stringent about not going over it for another month or two and we were still incurring these charges so we called about it. Roger's, without our permission, gave some information to a 3rd party company and had something put on Stephen's phone that charged him everytime he used this program that he did not put on his phone himself. They said they could not do anything about it because it was now the 3rd party that we would have to deal with (however, the payments were going to Roger's) Stephen finally got a hold of someone at the company and told them to stop. They did, but for a few months we incurred about $300 worth of debt that Roger's caused. There have been other times when Roger's, without our permission, changed our services on us (adding cable when we didn't order extra cable, changing our cable package without notifying us) and we noticed these things when we get bills that are a lot higher than they should be. Because (and this really pisses me off) Roger's can report bad credit if we don't pay our full bill (even if there are charges we are fighting and never caused ourselves) we had to pay the fees to keep our credit rating fair. Once we pay they don't care so they just keep charging us more. See, they can charge us whatever they want and get away with it because if we don't pay we get reported to the credit bureaus and I don't want my credit messed up but this is completely unfair to their customers and something I think any of you Roger's customers should pay attention too. You'll get screwed for charges you never brought upon yourself but rather Roger's can charge you what you want and you can fight it but they'll report you.....sounds fair right?
So we come to cancelling out internet. Stephen and I have been so diligent about our spending as we want to pay off as much debt as possible so we decided to cancel our internet with Roger's and go with a cheaper more local company. We start with the cancelling of the internet. I called March 2nd and was under the assumption everything was taken care of at that point. I was told it would be cancelled April 2nd and that on April 7th someone would come by to pick up the equipment. So a couple of weeks pass and I call Teksavvy to set up our internet. We pay the fees, order the box and assume everything is still peachy. I get a call from Teksavvy a week before we are suppose to start our internet service with them telling us Roger's denied us a new set up because they claimed we never cancelled with them...this is where the blood starts boiling...I call Roger's and speak with someone about this and they say, at first, no you didn't cancel your internet with us.....I think this was the point my mom arrived and she could tell I was about to go off on someone. Oh but I did cancel and after being on the phone with her for awhile she says oh yeah I guess you did cancel, I don't know why we reported you didn't. So I call Teksavvy back, very frustrated and I think they could tell, let them know what Roger's said and the nice lady on the phone said not to worry she'd take care of it all. I guess Roger's doesn't have our correct address no matter how many times I tell them and there was a mix up or something. Anyways we got everything switched over. Now, if you remember from above, I never signed any contract with them expect for my phone. We received our bill the next month and were shocked to discover a $100 fee that, here's the kicker, didn't say where it was from. No where on our bill did it state what those charges were for. So again, we had to call them. Turns out they decided to charge us a $100 cancellation fee. Normally when you have a cancellation fee, it's because you signed a contract and are cancelling that service before it's ends. For one, I never signed a contract, it even states on line that there are no service fess and you can cancel at any time, that is one reason I went with them because I wasn't contracted to my internet and could cancel at any time with no fee. Two, even if they based it on a normal contract length, I've had the internet for 3 1/2 years, well beyond any contract they'd make anyone sign. So Stephen called and spoke with them and they were not getting the fact that we never signed a contract. They know we didn't but they were not going to reduce the charge and like I said before, if we didn't pay it, my credit gets messed up. Stephen called and spoke with someone else and said we never signed a contract, they said they know that but there is a cancellation fee. However, that is not stated anywhere, there is no fee for canceling internet services. They reduced the fee but we still have to pay, for what I think is an illegal charge. You can't just make up charges that don't exist.
That brings us to todays bill....If your still reading I applaud you, this is a bunch of rambling crap that pisses me off so thank you. Mostly this is to record Roger's harassment towards us if we decide to speak to a lawyer about all these false charges. I get today's bill (keep in mind we now only have our cell phones with them) $400.....cue the heart attack and acid reflux from stress. I lost it, I looked at the bill and there was an additional charge for $250 for internet services..which we cancelled. I didn't even bother, I made Stephen call. Remember how I said they told us we could not drop it off but that someone had to pick up up and they'd be there on the 7th? No one came on the 7th so we still had this modem and when I called they said no we can't drop it off someone will be by to pick it up. We were charged for not returning the modem...I flipped out. We were told TWICE NOT to return the modem to the store that someone would pick it up but no one ever did and we were told we couldn't return it so how in the world is it our fault? Stephen called and asked to speak with the president and told them that we are done being harassed by them, we are done being charged for things and services that they have decided to make up, that is illegal and can be considered harassment so they have it coming. Stephen ended up taking the modem back to the store because no one was picking it up. The guy at the store informed us that we could have dropped it off at any point (I don't know why the morons on the phone were telling us we couldn't) and said we would get the charge credited back to us. The issue is, if we don't pay this month's bill, we'll get reported for not paying the whole bill and I think that is incredibly unfair to us. In the last 7 months we have incurred so much extra charges for things we had nothing to do with and as if we weren't broke enough as it is, all of this on top if it...it's incredibly stressful and is causing me physical illness due to the stress. That folks is my rant for the day. If you are a Roger's customer be sure to look over your bill each month because I can almost guarantee you are also being charged for things that you shouldn't be. And you know when Stephen calls and is upset your in for it! It was nice knowing you Roger's.....actually no, no it wasn't it was a long, stressful, overly charged, illegally charged 3 1/2 years.
I just re-read my blog from yesterday and I apologize. I did a horrible job at describing The Rabbit Hole. If I was graded on my movie review I would have gotten an F! You would need to see it to know what I was talking about. The thing I could relate to the most was the end. They were talking about how they move on and where do they go. They talked about taking it step by step and one day at a time. They talked about putting on the stupid fake smile and acting interested in others because that's what you have to do. I put on a fake smile most days. Even though I may be smiling it doesn't mean I don't hurt. The pain is always there and it will always be there. But we have to pretend like life is going on even though for the bereaved, it never will. Things will always be different, we are forever changed.
Today was an okay day, can't really say it was a good day but it wasn't horrible either. Ty sent me many signs, I saw a heart shape in a tree outside of church. Of all the times I sit and stare out those windows it was only today I saw the heart. At Grace's memorial service they had pumpkin cheesecake. Ty's birthday cake is pumpkin cheesecake and I just knew it was a sign from him. Out of all the cakes and out of all the cheesecakes that could have been made it was Ty's kind. Then on the way home when the hubs stopped for Timmie's I saw a butterfly....many signs today from my Ty guy. I can't believe it has been 18 months. It went by so quickly, it seems like just yesterday I was in labour with him, trying to enjoy every minute because I knew it would soon be over and he would be gone. I don't dare tease myself and look at 18 month milestones because it hurts my hear too much. If I want to know I can just look at the two little boys at church who are both 18 months. Its a constant reminder of what should be. In celebration of Ty's 18 months I decided to give sweet potatoes another try and this time things went a lot smoother than with the incident of 2010.
I feel like I should have more to say but I'm exhausted. My heart hurts so much, my mind is so numb...I'm really struggling with a lot and some of it I can't mention but I do ask for prayers....I need guidance on some very big decisions we'll be making the next few weeks and I don't even know where to begin. I know I just need an answer....
I have noticed recently that I have seen a lot of things in my life that come in sets of three. A few times when I have seen Blue Jays or Hawks theres been three. Most picture frames I hang go in sets of three. We are planning on getting another cat, that makes three. If we decide to try again it will be our 3rd baby…I can’t help but fear, in the pit of my stomach, that all these signs of three mean we are going to have a third loss. I wouldn’t know how else to go into a third pregnancy and expect anything but another loss. So many signs that the boys now send come in threes and it worries me a lot. Of course rationally it could also mean they are protecting their little sibling and showing me a third baby will be on it’s way but logically, in my mind, I think it means we are going to have a third loss.
We still aren't quite sure how we want to expand our family. To be honest, I am beyond terrified to be pregnant again. Well, not, not to be pregnant but to go through another 37 weeks and have to bury another baby is what I am terrified of. At the same time, I am terrified of going through another 37 weeks and having to bring a baby home. These "three"s lately have done nothing but increase that fear. I don't think I'm at that point where I can see the risk is worth the reward. I think I have a bit more time until I can feel that deep in my heart. As much as I would love to be pregnant again (hoping it's more like Jacob's pregnancy than Ty's, even if it's not I won't care) because I did love being pregnant the second time and I know I will the third time, it scared me to know all the things that could go wrong. No matter what the doctor tells us on Tuesday (we are going to see our High Risk OB to hopefully get some answers) I know that even though what happened to the boys were "flukes" does not mean another fluke will not happen. Two flukes is rare enough but who is to say we are safe from a third. Nothing in life is guaranteed.
Stephen went out with the bereaved boys tonight, I'm glad he has some guys to go out with that understand and just get it. It's pretty much impossible to get the girls out because everyone else has kids and young ones at that and it's just not feasible to get together. Though in our new group we all only have angels so getting together is a bit easier to plan, we just need to do it! That left me at home alone which, given past incidences, could be catastrophic. I decided it was a good night to watch The Rabbit Hole (cue the sarcasm, probably not a good idea to be alone and watching such a sad movie). For those of you who have never heard if it, it's about a couple who looses their young boy and the grief they go through. There were only two parts of the movie I could relate too. One of them was when her and her mother were in the basement and she asked her mom if the pain ever goes away and her mom said no....I just sat there for a while and thought, I have a life time of pain to go and yeah it may lessen at times but it will always be there. Nothing in life will ever be the same. I am forever changed, I feel like I won't ever feel happy because there will always be a sense of sadness. I know the pain will never go away, it may not always be forefront but it will always be there. Right now it is what is on my mind 24/7 and I can only pray the day comes where it isn't because it is exhausting.
The other was at the end, she asked what they do, and he explained what they would do next but it was step by step and only small goals, like a few days ahead and that's how life really is for us. It's just Stephen and I, no earthly children regulating what we do but just us. We take things one step at a time because each small step brings a slew of emotions and situations that we have to re-learn. If you haven't seen the movie and have no idea what I am talking about I apologize, it's very hard to describe. I didn't relate much else because we didn't have the boys room set up, we don't have clothes they worn, pictures they painted, fingerprints all over the doorknobs and all those memories you get with earthly children. We have 9 months of memories for both boys and all of it was while in my womb (plus Jacob's 2 1/2 says here on earth) but we don't have that so I couldn't relate to much of it. We also go to group but we love going to our group and we don't fight, not like they were in the movie. We are both more agitated these days and frustrated and it is hard to express that sometimes (more so for me) but our personalities balance each other out so well it just works for us.
I am off to try and get some sleep, I may just take a gravol to help because I will need my rest for tomorrow! Ty's 18 month angelversary (and in celebration I gave sweet potatoes another try, it went well) and Grace's memorial service....going to be an emotional day but we get to celebrate two little lives gone too soon and remember them for who they were.
I feel a lot better after my rant yesterday and from now on Stephen will be dealing with people on the phone since he can keep his composure a lot better than me! Group last night, as always, really helped. Just being there, listening to other people, crying, lots of crying, some more crying and hugs always help. I've said it before and I truly mean it, being around people who have walked a journey very similar to ours, it is so...I can't even describe it. I'm very thankful to have met all the wonderful families that we have, it goes to say I wish it were under different circumstances, but I love my extended family that I have gained over the last 18 months....
Speaking of 18 months, Sunday.....Sunday is a day I am not looking forward too. 18 months, I cannot believe it has been 18 months since we said hi and bye to Ty. Where did the time go? The last 18 months have been such a blur! Not only is it 18 months since Ty's birthday but on Sunday we are heading to a memorial for sweet baby Grace. It'll be an emotional day for sure, I swear, we should invest in some Kleenex stocks or something. I am very honoured to get to go to her memorial and I hope her parents find some peace in it. I know I did after Jacob's funeral.
Today has been a bit emotional too, but not for anything in my life. When I was going through my pregnancy with Jacob I joined a group for Potter's moms. Through that group I met a lady named Melissa. She was due to have her son a few months after Jacob. She delivered him in November, he passed away a few hours later. In January her husband was in the hospital waiting to get some tests and surgeries done but he did not make it. He passed away from a heart condition. Shortly after her husband passed away she was diagnosed with liver and intestinal cancer. I have recently learned that there isn't much they can do. She may only have 6 months left. She has two little girls, a 4 year old and a 2 year old that have not only lost a brother, a father but now to, unless a miracle happens, possibly her mother. Please keep her and her family in your prayers. It just breaks me heart to hear of such sadness and makes me even more thankful for being alive. I don't try to take anything for granted anymore because I know nothing is guaranteed and hearing her update that she has about 6 months or less, unless a miracle happens, makes me realize, I'm very blessed (and I know I am) But my heart breaks for her little girls.....I just can't talk about it anymore, it makes me cry too much.
Back to painting doors, doing the dishes and keeping myself distracted from the strong sad emotions I have been having lately.
I threw out a quiche today. I cried. This wasn't just an ordinary quiche, this was one of the last frozen meals I had left over from before Ty. I made a bunch of things to freeze just before his arrival and I finally got the courage to throw it out today (it was quite a bit freezer burnt) but it was hard. Everything the last 1 1/2 weeks has been hard.
I did manage to make it through yesterday and did pretty well. I dropped the hubs off and came home to go back to bed (only had 3 hours of sleep) and by the time I woke up he was already in Toronto. I got ready, went and ran my errands and even before I was done the hubs was on his way home. It didn't even seem like he was gone but I survived! Yah for small miracles!
Another small miracle....Stephen and I are planing a night away. This is HUGE for me. I have a fear of leaving home but my wonderful mother is going to come up for a visit and stay at our place to take care of our fur babies and visit the boys. I'm hoping that's enough to let me actually enjoy my time away. We are booking one night in Niagara Falls (perhaps we'll consider this our honeymoon) and have a few things on the list we can do while there. I'm already anxious over it but it has to be done and soon, before I go back to work. Maybe near the end of April.....
To end on misery...I spent 30 minutes on the phone today trying to figure out why there was a $700 discrepancy between what we told we were getting back in taxes and what we actually received. It ended with the guy on the phone telling me that because of CRA "protocol" Jacob did not exist therefore we do not qualify for certain tax credits (of which we never signed up for they just give it to you automatically) and instead we owe the government money because our baby died. I think that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard. Way to down and out someone when their already there aholes. If anything, families who loose babies need the money more than those who have kids. Those who have kids don't have funerals to plan, death certificates to apply for, headstones to pick out and work to miss because of situational depression. This world is so messed up, beyond belief. I am so glad my boys are somewhere better, somewhere they don't have to deal with shit and injustice. Many of you who have children say you become less rich because kids cost so much, well for one, be thankful you have a kid, be thankful you have the greatest richness in life, being a parent. Not only that, you come no where close to being as poor as someone who looses a child. I wish the CRA would understand that. They need to make a child death tax benefit because families who loose children really need help financially. But no, they like to waste their money on low life's who do nothing to better themselves, that only use their money for drugs and alcohol or cigarettes, who abuse their children and so on...yah that makes perfect sense to give them money but not those who have not caused their situations themselves and may I add, most are only temporary, a few months or a year, not life like the low life's. I'm beyond frustrated with the government and the poor service they give us who loose children. It makes me sick that we continue to struggle because the government thinks that loosing a child isn't enough. No instead they say, give us money because your child died, how in their right mind can that seem even remotely okay?
My day has been ruined, I was just starting to come out of the slump I've been in for 1 1/2 weeks but now I'm back down. I'm so sick of everything. I'm tired, I'm done. Please can't some GOOD miracles start happening to us? I'm done with this bad luck, horrible situations we seem to get thrown at us because we had to bury our first two sons. Life is completely unfair and unjust and it makes me more sad and angry everyday. Why don't we get a break? Do we not deserve it after all we have been through? On top of that, we're still trying because we have to, because we want to be better, we want to make a change so we try, but according to the government, trying equals...well trying so they won't help. Nope they continue to squeeze every penny we have left....(and that's running low) we'll I'll be damned if I let them treat bereaved families like this anymore. Today I am going to start looking into seeing how I would get some kind of benefit to those who loose children. It may be hard, it may be long but I've had it with the government. Those aholes have it coming. This is a grieving mama on a mission and I will not stop until it is done. Just like I have every intention on having them pass 3rd trimester ultrasounds as protocol, say 32 weeks, I know that would greatly reduce the number of stillbirths. Something has to be done and I'm not going to stay quiet anymore.
Time to go look at kitties and calm down before going back to the dentist again...did I mention that the $300 I laid down last time did not solve my pain, so back to get squeezed from them as well...honestly, I don't think I should have to pay, what they did, did nothing to help my pain and I think I shouldn't have to pay more until they fix it. Getting another kitty may be put on hold......
I don't know how he does it but my hubs can manage to sleep through anything! We recently moved our bedroom into what was the living room, which is right beside the kitchen. We have yet to get the door up between the bedroom and the kitchen. I've been up this morning making hard boiled eggs and a breakfast wrap (which involved the microwave) and it didn't make him budge. Not only that, he did get up for a bit so I opened the curtains up in the bedroom and he was still able to fall back asleep with the light shinning in. I wish I could sleep through everything like him. Men must have some kind of magical power that allows that to happen because I know a few guys who sleep through anything. Maybe women are not programmed like that because we have a need to get up at the sound of a pin dropping to make sure everything is okay, especially if we have kids.
In other news, Sunny has made his way into my heart and I will be taking a trip down to St. Thomas to see if he is still available. Stephen and I have considered getting another four legged fur baby for awhile now. We put it off for a bit to make sure we figured our budget out before we included another kitty in our life. We've come to the point where it is time. I have been keeping my eye out online at the various shelters by us and on petfinder (not a good idea, there are soooo many kitties I want that need homes) Picking out a cat for us is no easy task. I always take a few months because we have requirements.
Firstly, I always look for a special needs cat (which is why we take our budget into account) because I know how hard they are to adopt and both Milo and Charlie have issues and I know how to deal with it and live with it and some people don't. There's not that many cats with special needs it seems. Perhaps if I go into these places and ask they may have more. I've always wanted a cat with three legs but those are also hard to find.
Secondly, the cat has to be younger than Charlie and Milo (so anywhere under 2) Stephen would prefer a kitten because he has never had one but it is not a requirement for me. I adopted Charlie at 6 months old so he was already past the cute kitten stage. However, this is the tricky part. A kitten will learn the rules of the house from Milo and Charlie and adapt to that, the older the cat the more they will be set in there ways so we do have to limit the age.
Thirdly, the cat has to be a boy. I find boy cats get along the best, at least from my experience. I think Milo and Charlie would beat up a little girl and I don't want that.
Fourthly, (that sounds like a funny word) something I have been debating a lot. Milo I got off the side of the road, he was "free" (pfffttt he was not free but I'd pay every penny all over again) Charlie I got from ARF which is a great organization but the thing I have been thinking about lately, ARF cats live in homes, they foster them, they aren't stuck in cages where as cats in shelters are stuck in cages, some for a year or more and that breaks my heart to pieces. So I think this time we will be looking for a cat in a cage. Free him from such a horrible life. This is where Sunny comes in, I don't even know if he is still available but he is black and white (which seems to be what we prefer) about a year old, no special needs other than he needs a home. He has been in a cage for almost a year so I can only imagine how much social interaction and guidance he needs. I think he is most certainly worth the trip down to St. Thomas to meet him in person at least. Who knows, maybe he is gone and there's another kitty that needs us.
Oh I just looked at more pictures and now Juno has stolen my heart.....
The issue I can forsee with me going into a shelter and trying to find a new fur baby is I will probably cry. I can't take seeing all those kitties in cages, they need to be out, they need to be free! And I know us taking in another kitty will help but it doesn't even touch the need for rescue pets. I wish I could adopt them all...poor babies.
Stay tuned for our journey of adopting another fur baby.....
Tuesday is a HUGE and I mean HUGE step in life for Stephen and I. It will be his first time away from me, pretty much since we met and he's going out of town. He is heading to Toronto for the day for work and I'll be in London freaking out like crazy (but I have a list of things to get done so hopefully that keeps me distracted) Who am I kidding, no amount of anything will keep me distracted. At first he was going to drive by himself and I considered going with him for the ride and just exploring Toronto for the day or going somewhere but then he said he would not be able to concentrate with me in downtown TO all by myself. So the plan was to keep me home with no car, worrying away like I have become so good at!
Plans changed again today and for a mama who has severe anxiety when it comes to plans changing (a side affect of my grief) my heart can barely take it BUT it was a plan that has allowed me to breathe a bit easier. Stephen will be driving with someone from work and I will have the car. Not that I NEED the car to survive but my fear was if something happened to him I would panic and not know how to get to him, though I know there are people in London who'd make sure I got to him, given I probably shouldn't be driving if something did happen to him anyways....but I am glad to know he will be with someone. It makes me feel a lot better. It may sound silly to some but I know nothing in life is guaranteed and I feel so protective over him because I would be lost without him and if anything happened to him, might as well just lock me up because I don't think I'd make it through, he is my everything.
Now that I went on a sap fest, I do need prayers because I know, no amount of distractions will calm my anxiety, I just hope I don't eat my weight in fear. I'm soooooo close to loosing all of Jacob's weight, I don't to take a step back. I just need to take some deep breaths tomorrow and try my hardest to keep busy and he'll be home before I know it! We have never been that far apart (and for those of you who don't know, it's about 2 1/2 hours from London to Toronto) so it is quite an anxious moment for me and I'll be interested to see how my body handles it. Last time I was this stressed I was sick to my stomach (which could explain the nauseousness today) hoping it doesn't get that bad tomorrow. I did buy some chocolate today because I read eating chocolate sends happy signals to your brain and I thought I'd give it a shot to see if it would help any. Plus, who can refuse 75% off Easter candy? No one, that's who!
So please, say a special prayer for Stephen's safe travels and my sanity for Tuesday.
A few of my friends have talked a lot about Karma lately and it made me ponder....I don't think I necessarily believe in it. I have learned over the last 18 months that life is unfair and unjust. There are people in this world who are evil, deceitful and ungodly and it seems to me most of the time, those people actually have a lot of stuff they've always wanted in life. They get good jobs, become rich, have the perfect family and lots of wealth. Then there are people who use the government for money, they could go out and get jobs but they don't. My tax money goes towards paying for their drug and alcohol addiction but yet these people can get knocked up like bunny rabbits and pop out kids. They smoke, drink and do drugs while pregnant and also after they have children but justice is rarely served and kids grow up in unsafe, unhealthy environments. I don't mean to be judgmental but it is an observation I have seen a lot lately. Then there are people like us who struggle through life. One huge knock and we are down and out and getting back up is hard and long. Many of you may not realize the financial implications loosing a child has on a couple, what life changing events it can cause a couple to go through. One of the reasons we chose not to move is because we can not afford it but also because I am learning to live and love what I have and not expect anything else. But I'll let you in on some Jessica Wisdom....
Those people probably have no idea what true happiness is, they don't know what real love is, what life is truly about and that is something I am so thankful to have learned. Sure people all around me are having kids, ones that smoke, drink and do drugs while pregnant but those people don't have the love and support I do and I'd never trade that just to have kids. I know it's true that people who don't deserve things always seem to get them, trust me I know a little TOO well, but in my heart I know I have so much more than they will ever have. I am dedicated and I think I'll understand and appreciate the rewards of life much more having had to work so hard for them. At least that is where I am and how I try to look at the world because if I looked at it any other way, I'd loose it. We live in an unfair world but I do prefer my way of life over those who get things they want because I do have more than they will ever have. I don't believe in Karma because you rarely see bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. But, I do believe in having a rich and rewarding life full of love, kindness, care and support, you just have to work for it (though again, I think that makes it a million times better by the time you do reach it)
Now if I can keep reminding myself of that, I'll be set.
I think this week being Easter and leading up to Jesus being crucified is very fitting for my emotions. I have had one hell of a week, ever since Sunday I have struggled. I debated whether or not to write about it because I don't like my blogs always being so negative, but the truth is, that is where I am in my grief and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I'm tired, frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, pissed off, I'm just ready for a break. I am tired of being "strong", I'm tired of wearing the stupid fake smile. No matter how I may look, smiling, laughing or giggling, inside I am broken and falling quickly. I don't know why I am in such a funk this week. I know Saturday night I had a bad dream and was really upset and ever since then I have thought a lot about different aspects of my life that I am not happy with. I have thought about how I have been hurt by people in my life I considered friends, I thought about how angry I am that I can't just focus on my grief because the world will not stop and allow me to do so. Bills still have to be paid, I still have to return to work, I still have to fit the boys into our lives.
We have been renovating our apartment as much as we can to make it work for us and having done so I have run into all the baby things. Everyday this week I have sobbed, I have balled, the tears have not been silent this week, they have been noticed. I don't want the baby stuff to be away anymore, it shouldn't be away in the first place. I'm sick to my stomach that everything baby related has dust on it, I'm upset that I hid all the stuff, like it would make me hurt less. Nope, if anything it made me hurt more. The baby stuff is out because it should be out. It should be being used, it should be getting wiped down everyday because of the boys making messes. Our house should be filled with screams, cries and laughter from our boys, not from me missing them so much.
I feel horribly guilty that Jacob has so much more then Ty does. I feel horribly guilty that my grief for my boys is not balanced and I have not figured it out yet. I miss my boys more than anything. It has been 7 months today since we said Hi and Bye to Jacob and though it is hard, I think knowing that on the 15th of this month it will have been 18 months since doing the same with Ty. 18 months....where has the time gone? It seems so long ago, I feel so guilty for not grieving him like we did Jacob. I feel guilty that I don't have the time to focus on resolving most of my grief because it hurts too much to think about.
I've been hurt, I feel alone, I'm being left out. It seemed for awhile right after everything happened we had great support, friends and family were emailing and checking in but they've moved on, something I can't do. They all have their own lives, those with kids no longer fit because we don't have kids, we don't have that lifestyle of centering things around our kids. We don't do "kid" things together. People with kids don't ask us to do stuff because they fear it will upset us to see their kids, though that's not true, but also because things they plan involve their kids and how does a couple with no kids fit into that equation? Those with out kids don't know how to approach us, don't know what to say to us. I think people still feel they need to walk on eggshells around us but the only thing that is doing is hindering my ability to define who I am now. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't relate to being a mother, I surely am not the same Jessica I use to be and trying to figure out the new me and the identity I see myself as is hard when others seem to portray a sense of a "poor grieving mother". I know there is more to me than my grieving side but it's all new and I don't know much about it yet. I know there are things I enjoy doing, people I like being around but even in the last year, things have changed so much.
I thought I was doing so well. I was being so strong and courageous. I woke up most days with some faith and hope but over the last few days that has all disappeared. I can't say it's a horrible thing, maybe it's what my body needs. Maybe my body needs to deeply grieve my boys and I mean all out sob fest everyday for a week or so (at least that's how it has been) 7 and 15 months in and I'm worse off this week than at any moment in the past. I can only hope it's the roller-coaster ride running down a dip and maybe come next week I will be on the rise.
There is a lot of firsts coming up next week and I can only pray I find my strength before than because I don't know what will happen if it's not. Right now, if I am having a horrible day, I know most of my problems can be solved when my husband gets home. I know he is a phone call and a 15 minute drive away but next Tuesday he will be going to Toronto. I don't know how I will do. That is a great distance between us, we have never been that far away from each other, let alone by ourselves. I considered making the trek for the day but with his work there, it may not work out. I may not be able to go and I'm going to be a mess worrying about him driving to and from. I know nothing in life is guaranteed and I'm fearful of loosing someone else so important to me.
I'm so edgy and frustrated at everything, every little thing sets me off. I've been swearing up a storm and I haven't sworn in over a year. I get frustrated and throw things (at least I should be able to find a pool noodle soon and take some of my anger and frustration out on trees in the yard or something, I know the neighbours already think I'm crazy, it'll just add fuel to their fire) I can't figure things out, I couldn't put the bed together, I couldn't get the bed out of the storage closet, just little things that make me angry but at the same time I did move our entire house by myself but still, that doesn't take knowledge, it just takes muscles. I don't know what it is, I can't figure it out but this week has been horrible. I'm still doing things around the house but until I'm in a better mood I may lay off because I don't want to mess things up more. I want to be able to think things through, make sure things are set how I like them and right now all I seem to want to do is sleep.
I pray that one day soon I can start writing positive things. I pray that my life will find some true happiness. I pray that I find the strength I had for so long but seemed to have lost. Above all I pray my loved ones are protected.
When we have discussed getting another cat, Charlie has come to mind. I don't think we could handle another Charlie. He is just too good at escaping. Charlie is known for busting through screens and getting outside (like last year he broke through the living room screen and onto the roof and I was hanging half way out the window trying to get him, I can only imagine what people driving by thought) well today he did it again. We have a cat named Raisin (we call him Jingles) who always comes by to visit Charlie, their friends, so Jingles came by today and was sitting outside. Charlie was scratching at the screen like he usually does so I didn't think anything of it. I went about my business for a few minutes and peaked out the door and saw Jingles still sitting there but Charlie was not on his door perch and I knew at that instant....I needed to put clothes on because Charlie had escaped. I didn't know how long he had been out there because I didn't hear anything. I thought surely if Charlie and Jingles were to ever be face to face outside there would be a lot of meowing and hissing. Nope, they were silent. I looked down in the corner of the door and sure enough our escape artist had done it again. Threw on some clothes and frantically rushed outside. I saw Jingles sitting looking over by the bird feeder and I knew Charlie must have still been on the deck. He was, just sitting behind a pot and staring at Jingles. I called him and he started to come towards me, tried to escape through the fence posts but I caught him and brought the little bugger in. He is now sitting by the door whining.....I don't know how long I can take it, may have to take the darkness of shutting the front door over Charlies whining. Ohhh Charlie, he keeps us in our toes!
Speaking of our cats, Milo is not adjusting well to the changes. I always said if he was a person he would have some form of OCD or Autism. I don't mean to make fun of them either, I'm not but seriously Milo has some for of anxiety disorder or something so with all these changes he is not doing so well. I feel so bad for him. He is terrified beyond belief and I can't seem to get him to calm down. Poor bug! He just needs some serious mommy snuggles.
Oh a side note...day three of Mrs. Twitchy Eye....ughhhhhhh it's so annoying. I need to stop stressing! Another Epsom salt bath for sure tonight.
Today was a day of pulling muscles! I just had the big finale by hurting my back....should have waited until hubs got home to lift the fish tank....opps. Not only is my back now out of commission but there is about a half gallon of fish water all over the floor. Thankfully it is cleaned up so when he gets home he won't say "that wife of mine" which he's done a lot lately because he leaves and comes back to more of a organized mess. The reason is, our apartment is small (though it's a lot bigger than some we have seen) but there isn't a lot of room to set things aside while we move things and set up, it's kind of fair game for anything to be everywhere! But, I must say, I am getting pretty excited with how well everything is turning out. I know when all is said and done and we have addressed most of the issues, I will be pleased. The one issue we can't fix and still are having problems with is the guy downstairs smoking inside. I kind of want to ask him to only smoke outside and not right under where our upper door is but I don't know if I can do that. I did put filters in the vents but those are not keeping out the smoke. I would add another layer but then I think it would be harder for the heat to come through. We'll have to figure out something though because this second hand smoke is really getting to me. Thankfully it's not all the time but it is enough.
I will have to post some pics of the rooms when they are done, some almost look like they could be in a magazine. I set the crib up to give us some more space and Charlie seems to think it's a bed for him. We had this problem before with him going in there and I want to try to keep him from doing that. I know he doesn't like the spray bottle so I may have to get one with water to keep him from going in there. He is so darn cute though, he knows he isn't suppose to be in there and he looks up at me with those damn cute sad kitty eyes and melts my heart! But I have to stand my ground.....it's just like when Milo is sleeping in my spot on the bed at night when I go to bed and have to move him...those cats, they sure know how to make mommy melt and be lenient....I am very thankful to have Milo and Charlie in my life. For those who may be struggling I HIGHLY recommend getting a pet. I cannot stress how much they have helped and how well they are for therapy. I'm even allergic to cats but I've gotten use to their dander so it doesn't bother me, even if it did, I cannot imagine my life without them and I'll let you in on a little secret...Our fur family may be expanding soon. There is a very slight possibility the hubs and I have had our eye out for the next perfect addition.
The only issue I had with today (other than the migraine I woke up with but my saving grace Maxalt took that away) is my eye will not stop twitching, this is going on day two now that my left eye has been twitching....I find eye twitches to be one of the most annoying things. I just want to rip my eye out of the socket for a few....give it a good stretch...it just feels like it needs to be stretched. Odd I know but that's me!
I wanted to mention and say thanks to those who have left comments recently. I never know who reads my blog, I just write in hopes of helping myself and maybe helping someone else through what I write. But, I LOVE getting comments, it really makes my day so thank you.
Also REALLY looking forward to sharing the boys with some new people tomorrow. I settled on Scrapbooks and Molly Bears for the first share meeting. Hoping the next 6-8 weeks can help heal my heart even more.
And on that note, it is time for my nightly Epsom salt bath which has worked wonders for my sleeping issues. The tea's bubble baths, walks, writing before bed and routine all helped a little but when I soak in Epsom salts I sleep very well. I also don't feel as sore (there suppose to be good for your muscles) I have started to read into all the benefits that Epsom salt baths can actually bring a person and there are a lot! I know from now on I will be using them a lot more. I like that they drain my body of toxins, helps my new natural side feel a bit more...au natural!
I woke up in a much better mood today. You really just cannot have a bad day when you wake up with a Charlie snuggled in your arms under the covers and a Milo on top of him on top of the covers. Oh and the hubs beside me...he makes life pretty good too.
I am really looking forward to the new infant loss group starting Wednesday, it is needed! Of course that made me panic today because I realized I have not finished Ty's scrapbook. I mean it'll never be "finished" but I did need to finish a few of his pages to bring it up to date. So tomorrow I will be working away on that. I decided to bring the boys scrapbooks and their Molly Bears to this meeting. It's so hard when there's so much that reminds me of my boys. Thankfully, we have many more meetings for many more memories.
The boys came by to visit today...I told them they were only allowed to make things fall when daddy's home because it scares mom sometimes when she is by herself. They also said Hi in their new form of two Blue Jays...there were only two today not 5 again lol....My boys like to send silly signs sometimes.
Not much else going on. Finished painting (YAHHHHHH) so now I can move everything to its proper place, hang some doors, try to make it as comfy as it was before and enjoy my hard work. I am really please with how things are starting to come together. We are fixing a lot of the issues we had with the place which is nice. I won't lie, kind of happy we get to stay here a bit longer, as much as I despised it before it is Ty and Jacob's home and I know when we do move it will be very hard to leave here. And on that note....time to go move some things around and set up the crib (no, your not missing anything, it won't be being used soon, just want it up as a sign of Hope) I'm holding onto Hope....and Faith. God and I are on better terms these days.
I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I know my dreams last night had a small part in that matter. I had a dream of an issue that I am currently experiencing so of course the dream made it feel even more real and hurt me even more. I don't want to go into much detail but I do feel hurt and left out of some things. It's not a good feeling, it has really upset me. Today has not been a good day. I was already feeling sad and did not want to go to church but I did. Of course the women with the little girl who is only 5 days younger than Jacob had to sit infront of me and that really got to me today. I can't tell you a thing that was said in church because I was using every ounce in my body not to break down in a sob. I could barely keep the silent tears under control, it was torture. 1 1/2 hours of torture, I was relieved to leave.
We went about our normal Sunday routine, Remark for some free samples and some veggies for this week then we headed to the market before seeing the boys as I wanted to check and see if the natural store had Epsom Salts (they don't if you know where I can get some in Canada, let me know, preferably in London so I can pick them up) While we were heading to get our food I saw our OB. The OB who told me the tragic news of Ty, the OB who told me the tragic news of Jacob...someone who has seen me at my worse and all I got was a small smile and a walk by....really? Really? I didn't even get a how are you guys doing, sorry to hear about your second loss...you know something, even a friggin Hi but no, just a small smile and a walk by. I don't understand medical professionals....Of course seeing her brought me back to the very moment she said "I don't see any cardiac activity, I'm so sorry" and I had to use every ounce not to break down in the market.
I'm sure these two events on any other day would have been okay (maybe not seeing the OB) but after last nights dream and the way some people have made me felt, waking up already upset and hurt makes for a ticking time bomb. So we stopped in to say a quick hello to the boys then headed home where I proceeded to take a two hour nap and now I am awake, emotionally a bit better but now a horrible headache. Time to pop some Ibuprofen, down some more water and take another zantac and pray this horrible heartburn goes away and pray that it is only heartburn and nothing serious. But since it has been happening often, a trip to the doctors this week is on the list. Nothing home reno wise today but I need the rest, my body is aching. Back at it tomorrow! Actually I probably will paint in a bit to finish the one half of the room so I can push everything over to that side and get the other side ready. Sigh.....hoping I can brush off these feelings of hurt and just remember that people don't understand, even some who have been here have moved on.