Before I write this blog, I need to call the insurance company to make sure the title is still appropriate. Okay, were all good on that front thankfully. It is nice to know we don't have to worry about finances or the added stress of figuring that all out. I am very thankful for that and how flexible my work has been.
So today....we got to see our sweet little girl today...or is she really a girl? When they told us a few weeks ago they said she was a "probable female" but today my husband and I thought we saw "boy parts" our Dr. didn't say anything but we'll be able to keep checking. I think just to be safe we'll get boy things as well. We also need to pick out a boy name. Hopefully we can find out for sure before we deliver but if not we will be prepared for both and save whatever we have for another baby. We love you no matter what you are...we'll keep calling you Matea until we know otherwise. Maybe daddy and I are just crazy.
I am happy we are sticking with the high risk doctor. I am warming up to him, I just think I hate all medical things right now so I was a little biased but he is a nice guy who is a bit compassionate, he said he would support us but if my life is in danger due to placenta previa they would push to deliver, which we understand and I am glad he's going to be watching that to give us our options in case we need to change our mind. We'll be seeing him every 2-3 weeks and at every appointment he will do a quick ultrasound right there for us and we get pictures every time. So this is a huge plus going to see him over our regular OB. Plus I don't want to make our regular OB uncomfortable in having to deal with a high risk case when she isn't use to that and I completley understand. It was nice of him to mention today that he will support our decision but my health is in his best interest because our baby will not survive and I understand that, or am starting too.
We have a picture, still no fluid but I am going to keep on drinking my gallon a day. He explained a lot of things and answered our questions in depth. He is very knowledgeable and didn't rush us.
I am so thankful we got to see our sweet baby today, even though it was hard because of the lack of fluid we still were able to see a few things and we got a picture (post will come once I'm not too lazy to scan it) I am also happy to know we will get a picture at every check up and get to see her grow. This really made my day. I got teary eyed but it was an odd feeling, almost happiness that we got to see her (unexpectedly) and have a new picture of her (or him...again not sure anymore, hopefully we'll know soon)
The only downfall about the appointments is that I am very nervous to the point I get so naseous and anxious because I know she can be stillborn and going in every time and not knowing if she has a heartbeat anymore terrifies me. She does kick a lot though and we know she's kicking because we were able to tell what position she is in (breech) and her little feet are down where I feel the most movement. She has moved since last time, she moved from being sideways to being breech. I love knowing where her little head is now so when can talk to her and whisper sweet loves into her ears. So many things have made me smile today, minus the heat. I am glad my husband put the AC in yesterday. Being pregnant in this heat...not fun.
I think the nurse at the genetics place was having a bad day Monday because she called today twice and she was much more friendly. They reschedule our appointment for Friday...very nervous about these appointments. In one sense I want something to be wrong, I want an answer to why this has happened twice, why we are about to bury our second child, but in another sense if something is wrong...well we'll deal with it then and have plans for the future but it's a scary thought. I don't know what it involves, we've had our blood done and I refuse an amnio, though I'm not sure they can do an amnio with no fluid...But I don't know what to expect which is scary and then what they may tell us. We are meeting with two people so it's a pretty big thing.
Today is the first day I have not had a headache in more then a few days...yahh...I have to say today, even though we know Tea still has no fluid and things aren't looking good but we did get to see our little girl...or boy..and we have a new picture and we had a lot of questions answered, though there are still a million more, today has been an okay day. Tomorrow we are going out of town for the day, I am very very nervous about this. I am worried that if we go away something will happen and if I have to deliver we won't have any of her things. I guess I can just always bring her hospital bag with us. It would just be a lot more then I think I could deal with so I hope she is okay for tomorrow and for another 13 weeks at that. I also hope my placenta decides to travel a bit further north.
I am incredibly touched by how much people are reaching out to us and for all the things people are doing in helping us remember Ty and preparing for Matea, I could not ask for better support and I pray one day I am able to return the favour and help other women through the same situations. We do not have a perinatal hospice program in London and the perinatal program at the hospital is lacking, I have every intention to change that. I feel after loosing Ty I already have a wealth of knowledge to help others and now choosing to carry Tea, I feel I am learning even more to help other families through perinatal loss. I just hope the hospital is willing to accommodate better standards and protocol to help families and I will push until they do so. No family should have to go through the loss of an infant, but if they do I want them to have the best experience possible, given the situation.
Two more weeks until we get to see our Sweet Pea again, regular ultrasound and a 3d/4d. 23 weeks and counting....
So I am a little confused this morning. On Friday our OB called and said she scheduled a Genetic appointment for us on Wednesday. Well, we already had plans on Wednesday that cannot be canceled so I called the clinic and told them I needed to reschedule. The nurse called back this morning and said "I can't reschedule", from what I know and understand and well, common sense, any appointment can be reschedule eventually. I understand if it can't be rescheduled this week or next week or even for a few months, that is fine, but to tell me she can't reschedule it, she's crazy. I asked her why and she said it was because I was seeing two different doctors. I'm pretty sure at some point during the rest of this year there will be the two doctors there to see us. I called my OB and she said they can reschedule, obviously, but it may be a few weeks or months which is fine, as long as we get it done at some point, it doesn't even have to be this year, I prefer it to be but really there is no hurry at this point. That nurse was crazy, telling me she can never schedule me for an appointment, way to stress me out more then I already am. Anyways...now that it is all cleared up, for now, until the nurse calls back and tells us she still can't do it, it's just a matter of a call from my OB lady....
I started reading a blog of a woman named Hannah. She lost her daguther, Sadie Mae, to BRA this year. I have to say reading this blog has given me so much more hope, the positive outlook she has portrayed has really made me think about a lot of things, not to mention everything she did that I would also love to do, like a healing service at church with the healing oils and possibly donating my breast milk. Things I didn’t even think of before reading her blog. I am so glad to have found her, I do believe God works in mysterious ways, also the day we found out we were pregnant is the day her Sadie Mae was born, we are forever connected through God and he continues to show us the good he can give us. I am thankful he has brought us into eachothers lives. It is nice to have support from a woman who has been through the exact same thing.
I realized while commenting on one of her posts why I am having such a hard time “finishing” Ty’s memory book. It’s because I feel as though, if I finish, he is done, his short but precious life is complete and that is not true. Every year on their angelverasries we intend on taking pictures, just like one would for a birthday and putting them in their memory books so I think knowing this and knowing I have to start on a second one, my butt better get in gear. I just feel overwhelmed with the amount of work the house needs, the need for me to make the TeaTy Blankets of Comfort and reusable bags to help raise money for our non-profit and now two memory books….it’s a lot. I don't even know where to start, I need to get organized and plan things out or nothing will ever get done. I just wish I had the energy to do so.
A friend of mine wrote a poem the other day and it really expresses how I feel.
Tea and Ty
Help me understand
Why this must be learned
I want to hold you hand
How can I not feel burned
To be so small
When we lay you to rest
And feel like we'll fall
This isn't a fair test
Parents shouldn't bury a child
Especially one so new
I feel so riled
Because I'll bury two
I pray you'll be alright
That the doctors are wrong
And I'll fight
For your life to be long
Your brother was a surprise
But so were you
We want your life to be longer than Ty's
We want to hear you coo
We pray you'll be spared
But if you see the wraith
Don't be scared
Know that we love you, Matea Faith
It really made my day, I love knowing people are thinking about us and both of our children, it really means a lot.
Back to counseling today. Hoping it is as helpful as it was after we lost Ty. Sorry if these posts seem like they are all over the place, I feel like they are but when you have a jumbled mind that's how things come out.
My outing yesterday by myself went okay. I did have moments of panic but I dealt with them. I found going by myself I was able to get in and out much quicker then usual. I kept my head down, got what I needed to and got out quickly. So I survived....this time at least. I still had huge anxieties about the whole adventure but I stopped to see Ty before and asked him to give me strength. It was a short outing and I think that helped, plus I had a list of what I needed so I wasn't wandering around aimlessly. It's nice to know at this point I can run out and grab a few things, I'm sure this will change with time, it'll become harder.
Church went alright as well. We got in late, sat at the very back and I popped out just before service was out and sat in the car while my husband talked to our priest. Not to say I didn't break down and cry, that did happen. I was doing okay until we got to the peoples prayers. As soon as we found out we were pregnant we requested to have our baby and our family on the prayer list so it wasn't a surprise that they were going to mention it but they changed it a little bit and said our baby, Stephen and Jessica and that got me and I lost it. I couldn't hold it any longer so I sat and silently sobbed while they finished the prayers. I am positive this will happen every week when they announce us, I just know how to bring Kleenex. Once we know for sure that Matea is a Matea we are going to have them say baby Matea, Stephen, Jessica and family which will be even harder to hear but we want people to know, we need them to know, we need their support. I can't keep pushing people away, I have become so dependent I need the extra help and support and I wish I didn't feel so weak and embarrassed to ask for it. My husband and I are okay right now but I know as we get closer and right after we will need help. I may say we are okay but deep down were really not.
Today feels like am emotional day. I think going to church and taking that step was a lot. Though I must say, I think Matea loves being at church she was so active during the entire service it was so nice. She was definitely making her presence known. I am finding the more I am up and doing things the less she moves, the more I sit around and relax the more she moves, I guess that means I am out of doing chores for a while...ha ha, not really. There is so much to do, cleaning our cupboards, getting rid of a bunch of stuff, organizing what we have, setting up the new IKEA purchases we will be acquiring Wednesday, getting some more things in preparation for Matea. I am going to get her another outfit or two, just in case she surprises us and comes out a little chunker.
I'm starting to get nervous realizing we are getting even closer to meeting her. It's a frightening feeling, in one sense, I cannot wait to meet her but I know when we do meet her we will also be saying goodbye and I am nowhere ready for that. Burying two children in less then a year of each other, that's tough. I also think reality is setting in more and I realize that unless God performs a miracle we will really loose her, there's no denying that. I look forward to having belly shots in a week or two and getting to see her on the 3d/4d ultrasound in a few weeks. Just trying to enjoy every minute we have with her as it will be the only time. Speaking of which she is demanding a chocolate dipped vanilla yogurt bar so I must do what she demands and go indulge in one, just for her, nothing to do with me at all.
I use to be a very independent person. I loved going out by myself to get groceries, run errands, eat breakfast, pretty much I didn't mind doing anything by myself but oh my how times have changed. The thought of going out by myself terrifies me. I do not like to be alone, I am afraid to be alone. I'm scared something will happen, what if i run into someone I know that doesn't know our situation yet? I am clearly pregnant again, there's no hiding that, but how do I explain things, or what if I run into someone who does know and they start saying things and I start crying, or even worse, what if I go into labour! They told us Matea could be born at any time. They did say they were pretty sure she'd be okay until after 30 weeks but you never know, her arrival is unknown, she will come when she is ready and that could be today, tomorrow, or as were praying for, 14 weeks from now. But the fact that my mind is so wrapped around things going wrong (and how can it not be? I've lost two children, does anything seem to go right in the world anymore?) makes me terrified to be alone. I know my husband is only a phone call away but still....what if he doesn't answer his phone? What if the calls can't make it through and I would be left alone until I got a hold of someone? What if I break down in public (which took me a while to do after Ty) which isn't as scary as it was before, but what if I can't stop? The first time I went out after loosing Ty I lost it and couldn't even drive because I was crying so much and then I started having a panic attack about how I was going to get home when I couldn't drive because I was so upset. I eventually did compose myself and made it home but the thought of something like that happening again is scary. However, today I will set out by myself to get groceries, we'll see how long I make it, I guess if I have to I'll just leave my cart and come home if it comes to that. I hope not but I do not feel very strong today. But it's either go on the weekend where I may run into people I know or go during the week when umpteenth million moms with their children are out, what's worse? Both of them are torture. So here's too taking another step...
Talking of taking steps, I held my first baby since we lost Ty. I had such an urge just to do it plus it helped that it was in a safe environment. It was hard, to look into her eyes broke my heart, I wanted so badly to take her home with me. I have such an urge to be a mother and in one sense I still am, but I want that connection with my baby, I want to stare deeply into my child's eyes and feel nothing but pure happiness and love. I pray Matea is born living and opens her eyes, please God at least give me that much if you decide to take her away from us, give us a few hours with her alive and living, let us feel that love. Of course, if you decide to create a miracle and let her live we'd be very appreciative of that as well, I just want you to know that.
I am very thankful for the internet. After Ty I felt so alone because you never hear about women having stillbirths in 21st century. Turns out it is a lot more common then people think. I have found so many wonderful women to share my journey with and it has really helped, especially our stillbirth group where we live, it's nice to get out and talk to people who just get it and in a safe environment where we can talk about our angels all day long. That being said, I feel even more alone now. The chances of a baby getting BRA are so low there are even less of us, less women for me to reach out too. I am thankful for the women I have found who have went through the exact same thing, it's nice to have that connection, but I sure do feel alone. There's not many of us and an even smaller amount that chooses to carry to term despite the prognosis. But thank you to the ones who have reached out to me, I appreciate it.
I started to put away the baby things. After we lost Ty I put a few things away but brought them back out but now, it's just too painful to look at them. I pray through some miracle I have to take them out in 14 weeks though. It's not that I am giving up hope it's just I know God is funny sometimes. I just can't stand the constant reminder that my children are not physically here with me, they are not using all the baby things we have for them, instead they sit and collect dust and I just don't have it in me to have that in my face all the time. Maybe eventually we'll be lucky enough to take them back out but until then...storage.
I just want to clear up the elephant in the room, I want everyone who reads this to know, my husband and I are okay with talking about our children, yes we may cry or get teary eyed and it's perfectly fine if you do too but I think people are afraid it will hurt us. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Our children are our lives even though they are and will be in Heaven. It's all we have so please don't shy away from talking to us about Ty or Matea. We welcome it with open arms. Also, a lot of people ask me how I am doing, please take the time to ask my husband as well, this is as much as his life and journey as it is mine since we are one. I could not do this without him and his strength.
The Sunday after we found out about Matea (May 7th) our Rev. made an announcement at church about our situation. We haven't attended since May 1st. I was hoping my husband would go to one service before me but I think we are both going to go this weekend. I don't know why I am so scared to go, these people care about us and are praying for us. Actually I think I know why I am scared to go. I fear crying in front of people, but I think a lot of people expect me too cry because this is, or will be, our second loss. We will be burying our second child, what mother wouldn't cry about that? Why am I so afraid to cry in front of people? Maybe subconsciously I think it makes me look weak, which honestly at this point I am, but I don't like to portray that image. I have a had time crying in front of people, maybe I fear their reaction as well. If someone starts crying then I'll break down and maybe I'm scared I won't stop. It has happened before where I have broken down and couldn't stop. So many maybes, so many questions about why. I know once we just start going again I will feel better. To know we have the support of our parish and just being at church, get back into that routine, it'll be good for our morale. I also know people are going to offer to help us and this is a sore spot for me.
After we lost Ty I receded, I became a hermit crab. I pushed most people away for a little while. We did most things by ourselves and I really regret that. I know this time it will be different, I will accept help, if you want to cook for us or clean, go ahead. You want to stop by and have a tea or something, sure come on over. I chose not to have that with Ty and I felt very a lone and I did not like that feeling. I did not accept help and I don't know why but we needed it and had a hard time asking for it so I am putting this out there now, after we loose Matea we will need help, don't let us say no, though I intend on accepting help this time. It'll be a lot for us to deal with, we needed help after loosing Ty but pushed people away and I think that actually made people more uncomfortable and we cannot do that this time. We need to be open to accepting help and give up our pride for a little while. I need to understand I can't do everything myself, I can't fix everything. I think I just fear looking so weak and helpless and I don't like that. But in reality there are moments where I am, especially now as we prepare for Matea's birth and loss in addition to still grieving for Ty.
Our Ikea trip was canceled due to enterprise messing up our reservation. We grabbed the passports, got an oil change and risked taking Big Bertha on the highwway to Port Huron for the day. Lunch at Olive Garden was delicious, shopping was bittersweet. I picked up a bunch of stuff for Matea. A blanket for her to use at the hospital and two bunnies, one she can have at the hospital that we will keep and one to bury with her. I also picked up stuff for her scrapbook and shadowbox. We also picked up a roasting pan, a handheld vacuum, cooling rack, pillows and other fun adult things. I think the hardest part was walking through Kohl's seeing all the cute little girl clothes I had planned on buying, now instead of buying cute outfits I am buying things to bury her with, it's just so heartbreaking. Today was a long day and I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I need a day to recover!
I find grieving is like wearing a pair of flip flops. It seems to alternate every day, sometimes every hour or even every minute. You flip to the calm, peaceful and accepting side but then flop into depression, sadness, anger and denial. It is a continual change between the two and they are very intertwined. Without the flip you could not have the flop and the other way around. When I am by myself I find the flop to be the worst. I sit and think about everything, it scares me to know what is coming. I get angry that this is happening to us again, at least this time we can prepare. I deny that this is happening, I choose not to acknowledge it because as far as I am concerned she is still alive and well. Then there are times where I am on the flip side, usually when I am around my husband because he has a positive and uplifting outlook on our situation and it puts me in a better mood. He's the one who taught me that Ty is always with us and showed me the ways Ty lets us know his presence. He has a very positive outlook on what is happening with Matea. So when I am around him and other people I feel peaceful and calm. Sometimes I get an overwhelming sense that everything will be alright. From the get go it seemed this pregnancy was meant to be and I have to hold onto that. I know the chances are very slim but I still think there is a very small chance and that is enough to keep me going. I've had dreams that have indicated everything would be fine and most of my dreams do have some truth to them. Speaking of dreams...
I had a dream the night before last about tornadoes and all the destruction it caused to my family and then last night I had a dream about the world ending.....my theroy...stop watching the news and reading the paper!
I went to visit Ty today and as I was leaving I asked him to watch over Matea and when I looked up, at first I thought I saw a cat, but it turned out to be a fox. I was surprised because it was 12pm when I saw it and bright out, they are usually dawn/dusk animals, it was a very nice surprise. So when I came home I looked up foxes and here's what I found: 1. The Welsh regard seeing one Fox as a good luck omen 2. Dispelling of negative situations 3. In Shamanism it is believed to be a sign of a good year. So maybe it means something, I like to think it does. I see it as a sign from my little boy, a gift, he knew I was having a hard day and he sent me a gift of seeing a fox in broad daylight. I've never seen a fox in the wild as close as this one came to me and I was not scared, it was actually very peaceful and he was so fuzzy and cute.
I'm having a hard time finding the perfect girlie bag to put all of Matea's stuff in to bring to the hospital. I still have to get a blanket and two soft stuffed animals as well as the hand/foot impressions kit and figure out what else we need to pack. I did pick up the Body Shop baby soap and lotion after having a dream that I went to get it and the Body Shop had turned into a candy store, so the next time I was at the mall I picked it up. I've decided to wait and bathe her until after she has passed so she doesn't have any time being cold or uncomfortable instead all she will know is love and warmth. Now it's time to start the birth plans. 4 to do and a lot of work on figuring out each one. We are doing two for stillborn - one for normal delivery and one for c-section and two for living birth - one for normal delivery and one for c-section. There is so much to think about for all of them. IKEA trip tomorrow, looking forward to getting some things to keep myself busy and my mind off of reality. Some days I just don't want to think about it, I rather enjoy her sweet little hiccups and kicks and pretend she will be fine. As of right now she is and I want to continue believing that. I'll take the fox as a good sign, a sign from Ty that things may be okay, that we may have some luck.
I had an abdominal ultrasound today, checked my gallbladder, stomach, liver and kidneys to see how they are doing. This ultrasound was ordered before we knew about Matea's fate, but I am glad I had it done so they can check my kidneys. I didn't really expect the technician to check the baby but she said she had to at least get the heartbeat. She asked if I had had my routine ultrasound and I knew that meant there was still no fluid. I said yes I did and they told me there was no fluid and she said okay and I said I'm guessing it's still the same and she didn't answer. I just feel so hopeless, I've been trying everything possible to get fluids to her and I just feel like I failed. I just wish there was a little, somehow, God please perform a miracle. I refuse to give up fighting, I will fight for her until the end and continue to pray for a miracle. I guess the reality is just setting in. It hurts and it is so hard. I just feel so...ahhhh...crazy, scared, sad, hurt, hopeless...
I'm not myself lately. I usually keep quite a clean house, I find cleaning soothing and like to see the results of cleaning but lately I could care less how messy our house is. I'm just to tired and too depressed to do much. But I will continue to force myself to do things to make sure I do not fall into a deep depression. Somedays it just doesn't seem worth it to clean, I rather sit and lay all day and feel Matea move around and sign to her or read to her. I rather be online reading stories of miracle babies to give me hope and resting in hopes of her growing. I have had morning sickness the last two days and I am praying it means she is busy growing a kidney. I have also gained a bit of weight. I just wish there was a bit of fluid today. It scared me today to know there was no fluid, it was like a slap in the face, a high dose of reality. I don't want to think about it but how can I not?
We have a vague answer for what happened to Ty and we obviously know what will ultimately take Matea and I do think somehow they are related. Though it seems unlikely on the surface, I think deep down that it is related somehow to something. I am hoping the genetic counselor can tell us some more. It'll be a while before we see her/him. We just had the karotype blood done so now we wait.
Lots of errands to run today but all I really want to do is lay in bed and sleep. Getting up super early and not being able to eat until afterwords was hard on my body! It still wants to be sleeping, plus the fact that I had to take some stomach medicine so I didn't have the same morning experience as yesterday. I think a nap is in tow for today..if I can fit it in. I just want our sweet baby girl to be okay, I want all of this to be a mistake. I want it to all be a bad dream, but reality hit me in the face today and made me see that, this is really happening so I better prepare as much as I can now.
Last night I had a bad dream. I was at the doctors office getting a regular checkup on Matea and they told me she had passed and that I would need to be induced. I was 22 weeks (which I am going on) After being induced and waiting to deliver her I found out that the doctors had lied and she was perfectly fine, they just wanted to get this over with and decided to lie to me and it broke my heart that I could have carried her longer but the doctors lied and it was too late. I remember it was so hard to tell my family where all her things were are our house, all her clothes and teddies that were to be brought to the hospital, no one could find them. Needless to say this week I am going to work on getting her hospital bag ready in case she makes her appearance sooner rather then later, just to be sure. I will also put a few boy things in there just in case....though I am hoping to find out for sure at our 3d/4d if it is indeed a girl.
In other news, I found out this morning, in a not so pleasant way, that Matea does NOT like orange juice...or at least she does not like it first thing in the morning. She was however kicking away all morning, probably is sleepy now from the Gravol as is mommy. (For all our American followers, Gravol is like Dramamine and it is completely safe to take during pregnancy)
Lots of preparation errands to run this week, setting up appointments with counselors and 3d/4d ultrasound, getting my hair cut, taking care of financial arrangements for the time being, gathering things for Matea's hospital bag (including a bag) scheduling belly shots....trip to IKEA. So many things to do and not nearly enough energy to do almost any of it. That is the life of a grieving person.
Speaking of which, a lot of people have asked us how we are able to do this and honestly I don't have an answer. We have faith in God and trust him, we have amazing support from our family and friends, we have each other and a solid relationship, we always look for the positives,we know one way or another that we will have children one day but right now I think mainly for me is the denial factor. I am in denial and I think that is getting me through. Once we deliver her I know it will be different but for now maybe a combination of all of those things makes it possible to get through. I really don't have a solid answer. All I can say is that talking to someone (a counselor) helped us through Ty and we know it will help us with Matea, there is no shame is seeking out help, there is no reason to feel embarrassed, it is hard and it is a huge step but I am glad it is one my husband and I took, without it we may not have made it. When you experience something in life so traumatic and you have no idea how to deal with it you need to figure out what works for you and for my husband and I it was talking to people, anyone who would/will listen to us. We always and will always talk about our children and they will always be a part of our family. Whenever we sign cards to people their names will be included, it is a way to keep their memories alive. We will never stop talking about them. In saying that, please do not shy away from using our children's name or from talking about them. For my husband and I personally this does not upset us, instead it reiterates there shot but sweet lives, it brings back sweet memories, it reminds us of our blessings so I encourage everyone who reads this, when you talk to my husband and I, feel free to bring up our children, we LOVE every opportunity we have to talk about them and our journey with them.
Our lives the last few days has been super busy, now that we are settling down we are trying to make a plan on how to go about all of this, the life we are now living. I have had a lot of angry lately. I read a book called Giant Hero written by a mother who had a Potter's baby and chose to carry him to term as well. As much as I relate to the book I find in a sense it has made me more angry. There's a few reasons, firstly, this mother had a child previous to her loss and after her loss had two more healthy children. My husband and I are stuck at two full term losses. Not only that, all the statistics I have read, some from the book said that the likelihood for Potter's is 1 in 4000, however for girls it is about 1 in 8000. This makes me very angry, it makes me realize my husband and I have really shitty luck when it comes to having children, not only is Potter's rare but it is extremely rare in girls, so unless the doctors got her gender wrong (which we are hoping to still find out) then we have horrible luck when it comes to bearing our own children. After having lost Ty with no real answers why (speculation-placental failure and cord accident) and now to know Matea has no kidneys, I mean really? I just don't get it. I feel so alone. Yes, parents loose infants all the time, but two full term infants in the same family? How is that even possible and quite reasonably for completely different reasons. It angers me that we have such bad luck and the more I think about it the more I take it as a sign from God that we are not meant to have our own children. Because we have so much love, patience, support and understanding we are meant to adopt. This is a very touchy issue between my husband and I right now and one that will not be solved until well after Matea is born. We are not in the right set of mind to even think about future children and how we may bring them into our lives. That in itself is a whole other journey. It just angers me and breaks my heart we have to go through this again, the loss of one infant destroys a person and now to have to go through a second loss....some days I wonder if we'll stay sane and if so, how!
Having said that, there are many things we are blessed with in life, amazing family and friends, wonderful support, a cozy home, a car that runs, food, clothes, a parish that cares for us, two cats who adore us and all of this we are so thankful for. Even during the hard times it is important to remember to look at the positives in your life and I will be the first to tell you, it is extremely hard sometimes to see anything good out of such tragedy, let alone two tragedies for us. But we have decided to recognize the positive and embrace it.
Just like after we lost Ty, we have so much motivation to help other families who loose an infant or are carrying to term knowing the outcome. I believe this is starting to become my purpose in life. We started Memory Ty's in memory of our son to supply better memory boxes to the hospital for parents who loose a child due to stillbirth and now we are going to re-organize Memory Ty's to help families who are carrying to term despite a fatal outcome. We are not sure how to incorporate our experience but I know with time and all we experience with our journey carrying Matea it will become clear. I would love for the hospital to offer a perinatal loss program and help make it outstanding, it's just starting and where to go and what to do that I have to figure out. But I am determined to make a difference in the lives of other families who experience perinatal loss. I am so thankful for all the organizations that have helped us in our time of need and I want to be there for others.
When I decided to start a blog I wanted it to be all about our journey with Matea and how that is impacting our lives. I didn't want to mention much about her older angel brother Ty, but I have come to realize that is impossible. Even though he is in Heaven he is as much a part of our family as if he were on earth and our grieving for Matea is so closely tied in with our grieving for Ty. It is slightly different because we know a head of time we are going to loose Matea and Ty was a total shock to us. But to separate the two is impossible. They are two completely different little human beings with such different personalities, but they are both a part of my husband and I, both a apart of our family and our time with them has been very limited. They are so similar yet so different and it's foolish of me to think I could talk about loosing Matea and not mention Ty for a large part of it. We love both of our angels equally and what they each have taught us is intertwined within their short journeys here on earth.
I do not feel angry though that God chose us to carry two babies who would grow wings before they ever took a breath on earth. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to share our story with others and take this journey with my husband and our family and friends. I feel great honor in knowing how strong of a woman I really am and how strong of a man my husband is. Though some days I don't feel strong, some days I want to curl up and die but my angels keep me going. I will not let their short lies be in vain. I will take what they have taught us and use it in their memory to help others.
I continue to pray that God shows me the way and gives me the strength to take on such a heartbreaking task, but one that I am deeply committed too. I pray that he finds it in his heart o fix our little girl and if he chooses not to that he will let us have her on earth for a few hours before she joins her big brother Ty in Heaven. Please continue to pray for us. The next few months will be ones with many tough decisions and challenges and we need all the support and love we can get. I thank everyone who has been at our side through loosing Ty and now on our journey with us carrying Matea. We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
Our doctors appointment was disappointing, we left with more questions then answers. We did not get an ultrasound like she said she would give us, we didn't really set up a plan, our questions weren't answered, the only good thing was we heard Tea's heartbeat and were able to record it, I LOVE the sound...my sweet little girl. Anyways, I don't blame my doctor, she is a normal OB and does not deal with cases like this because she is not high risk so we are going to switch doctors to a high risk doctor. The only down fall is the doctor we are going with was very particular about delivering sooner rather then later and we are not going to do that. I just wish we had the support of the medical community, they only care about making things easy, well I don't want to take the easy way out, not when it comes to my daughter. I will fight for her. Maybe he will understand our desire to have more ultrasounds and check ups to see our daughter since it is the only time we will get with her. At least he will be able to help us make a plan and tell us what to expect. After talking to a few BRA/Potter's moms I have a better understanding of what can happen and it sounds like my husband and I have a lot of decisions to make. Very hard ones at that. I do trust that God will take her when she is ready and make it peaceful whether it be 30 minutes or 2 hours. We are starting to write our birth plan and get things in place since this will be very different then it was with Ty, especially if she is born living. There are so many things to consider but I will post once we are done (in a few weeks) For now we are enjoying listening to her heartbeat, we'll have to get another recording because I imagine the battery will wear out, I love listening to that precious little strong heartbeat. Also waiting patiently until we can see our little girl on the screen and watch her move and wiggle and see who she looks like. As hard as this is, we do cherish times we get to see or hear our daughter.
So next week is genetic testing and hopefully an ultrasound, both of which I am terrified about. I think most doctors appointments scare me because I go in every time wondering if there will be a heartbeat. I can feel her kick, she thankfully takes after her big brother in the kicks department, so I don't worry as much as long as I feel her kicking, but the genetics testing, that scares me. I am so scared they will tell us we are not able to have children, that we are not genetically compatible to produce living children. I know we will have children one way, whether its our own or through adoption but the thought of what they can find really scares me. There's so many things that can go wrong, I think last time I was so nervous because I wanted the doctor to say the diagnosis was wrong, I wanted so bad for there to be fluid and a kidney but we didn't even get to see her so the little hope I had, in one sense is still there, but in another sense it is gone. Maybe God had a reason for making us wait, maybe he needed some more time to help her out and didn't want us to give our hopes up yet. I don't know, I won't know, all I know is I want to see my little girl. I want to hear her sweet heartbeat and see her cute little nose. I cannot wait for our 3D/4D ultrasound, 30 minutes of getting to see her move all around and wiggle and see if she really is a girl and have it all recorded for us and have pictures of her...it'll be a nice day, good memories, I only wish we had done it with Ty. So many regrets, so many hard decisions to make, so many heartbreaking tough decisions we have to make in preparation for her birth and her loss. The next few weeks will be tough but in there, we get to see our little girl and that is something that makes me happy, something so special to cherish. Ohh Matea Bug, Mommy and Daddy love you so much and we know big brother Ty is up in Heaven watching over you and waiting for your safe arrival, we only hope you bless us with some time with you on earth before you head up to be with Ty. We are so thankful you are in our lives and we feel blessed to take the tough road to give you the best time on earth, even if it is short. We patiently wait for your arrival, come only when you are ready. We will be waiting with lots of love and snuggles for you baby girl. xo
One thing we learned from Ty is to appreciate all the small things in life. They are what keep us going through tough times. I had come across a picture of a baby in a Sweet Pea outfit and I fell in love with it. Before we knew Matea was a girl we called her Sweet Pea and still continue to call her it so I found this picture to be very special. After we found out we were going to loose Matea my heart was set on finding an outfit like it to take her pictures in. I searched the internet and came up with nothing. A few nights ago at our stillbirth meeting, one of the angel mommies mentioned that she knitted and I didn’t even think to mention anything until the next day. I thought It may be a long shot for her to make it. I have no clue when it comes to knitting or crocheting so I didn’t know if it would be hard. I asked her anyways figuring it wouldn’t hurt and she gladly accepted. Not only is it special because it was hand made, but it was hand made from an angel mommy just for Matea, it was knitted with love for Matea and to know our little Sweet Pea will have one of the cutest outfits every to wear for her pictures has made me smile. I just wanted to acknowledge my appreciation for Jen who took on the challenge with no questions, I don’t think she realizes how much it means to me, I’m smiling through the tears. Something so small but something so very meaningful that has made my week. I know Matea appreciates it as well. So today take time to think about the small things, find your Sweet Pea outfit.
Having said that and feeling at peace with knowing I was able to do something special for her, I am a terrified wreck about our doctors appointment today and I don't really know why. We already know Matea is very sick and I can't figure out if it's because I am nervous about telling the new nurse all our history, or that nothing will have changed with Matea's situation even though I have been drinking at least a gallon of water a day, or we won't be able to get a good picture of her. I don't get why I am so scared. Maybe because there are questions and things I want her to do and that means having to speak up for myself and I'm afraid to since she doesn't seem to really get what we decided to do. I just hope she remembers she said she would do an ultrasound for us so we can get some pictures and record her heartbeat. In one sense I am looking forward to it so we can see how much our little girl has grown because we did not get pictures the day we found out, though I have every intention to still get a copy since it is all we will have of her. I don't know what I am so scared, maybe it's just a part of the overall situation of being scared for my little girl. Knowing what is to come in August/September. At least my husband will be there so he can do the majority of the talking.
After I am off to get some warm drinks with a fellow angel mommy, a much needed visit with her. I always feel better after being around our angel group. There's just something very special about being around people who just get it, it's very comforting. I am very thankful my husband and I have found them.
Hoping that Matea and Ty give me strength today to get through the doctor's appointment. Praying there has been a very slight change in her health status or that I feel at ease after talking to the doctor. I wish I knew why I was so scared. I have to remind myself, Sweet Pea outfit, find peace and comfort in my Sweet Pea outfit.
One of the "stages" of grief is denial and I think I am fully in that stage. Maybe it's just that it still has not set in, or maybe it is that I am in denial. I just can't grasp the idea that this is really happening, part of me feels that she will be fine. I saw the ultrasound, I saw that she had no arteries but I fail to believe she won't live. I just don't believe it yet. However, we are doing everything we can to prepare for her passing. We reserved her grave, picked out her burial outfit, making all the preparations for the hospital and how we want to handle things, which is a whole process in itself, what pictures we want, how we want them, who we want there...so many things. Instead of buying cute little "Mommy's Sweetheart" or "Daddy's Little Princess" clothes and blankets and toys I'm debating when to bathe Matea, before or after she passes. I've thought a lot about it and I think after she passes. I don't want her to be cold or uncomfortable for one second she is with us so I think after she passes. They have some really nice baby soap at The Body Shop that I want to get for her so she smells like a baby. All of these I wish I did with Ty, but we never thought about it at the time.
It is reasons like these that I am determined to make Memory Ty's an amazing organization. I want to help other families who experience the loss of a child. I don't want a mother or father to regret anything that they did not have the chance to do, when you are in a shocked state of mind you don't think of everything you may want to do which leads to regrets. I have a lot of regrets with Ty, all of which I intend to fulfill with Matea, but other families won't have that option. At least I PRAY they don't ever have the chance to make things right the second time, but the first time, I want things to be right the first time.
We were at the mall today and I stopped by Things Engraved. There were a few things in there that I want to get for Matea and Ty. They had canvasses with a cute baby quote, then the name and birth date of the baby, one for a boy and one for a girl so I want to get one of each for my angels. They also had a little trinket box that said "Little Princess" on it and I want to get it for Matea's hair. They had a lot of other cute little things there I may get for my babies...even though they aren't here, having things with their names on them makes me smile.
It is a hard balance already missing Matea even though she is still with us. We're grieving her loss but she isn't gone yet and we pray she isn't gone for another 16 weeks and even after then, we pray she is with us for a few hours or a miracle happens and she grows a kidney. But how to prepare to grieve while still celebrating and enjoying her little life, how does one do that? I have not figured it out and maybe that is aiding into the denial aspect of grieving.
This weekend has been pretty productive, I've done a lot of thinking about what we want to do in the hospital, how we want to celebrate Matea's life and how it can make a difference for others (which will be combined with Memory Ty's). I manged to do well at Cheeky Monkey, my trick, tell them I am shopping for a gift so the questions are not directed towards me, it's not a lie, I am getting a gift....for Matea but I survived. I thought about what to get her for her casket and what kind of blanket I want her to have and the one I want us to keep. The outfit above is her burial outfit. They didn't have a lot of choice in micro preemie sizes, maybe she'll surprise all of us and be too big to wear it. But I chose it because the butterflies represents the spirits of our children, the pink hat because she is a total girlie girl and the long sleeve onesie because we live in a cold climate. I worried about with this with Ty and as a mother, it made me upset at first to think my little boy was so cold in the ground. I know he isn't physically there but I'm a mom, I worry about my children whether here or in Heaven. Anyways, I decided to get the outfit and the onesie and have my mom (G.G) knit her a blanket like she did for Ty and she will be wrapped in G.G's love and there is nothing warmer then a grandmothers love. I'm sure I will still think about her being cold, especially being so small. I also know where to run to in case it turns out Matea is not a girl like the doctors thought. I have to admit, it is really hard to pick out a burial outfit, nothing seems good enough. It has to be practical so I don't worry about her being so cold, but I also wanted it to be cute, because as a daughter of my husband and I, she would be cute.
I decided for her pictures at the hospital we want her in her birthday suit. I think it's so cute to see every little inch of a new baby, especially their cute little tushie. I also asked a friend if she could knit a Sweet Pea outfit to do some pictures in since before we knew Matea was a Matea we called her Sweet Pea. They also had a preemie dress I saw that I may still get so we can take even more pictures of her. All of this leads to something I am really struggling with, which I am pretty sure I have mentioned before, but it's really bothering me.....Guilt.
I have a lot of guilt that Matea will have so much more then Ty because we have all this time to prepare. People keep telling me "you did the best you could at the time" I know this but it does not take away the guilt. I feel she is getting so much more then Ty and in a sense she is, it just makes me wish we could go back and do things differently with him. I wish I didn't know what to do this time, I wish I didn't have to do it this time. The guilt is eating me up, I don't want to miss out on anything for Matea and I'm still trying to do things for Ty. No one said grieving was easy but grief for two children at once, one who has passed one who will pass, it is so hard, so upsetting, so angering, so unfair. Everything I am doing for Matea I want to do for Ty, something I can some things I can't. I feel guilty for things I can't do for him.
I woke up in the morning feeling hope. I woke up and noticed I was a lot more bloated and FINALLY gained another pound, maybe all this drinking water and resting when I can is making a difference? It's all I can pray for. At least I know it isn't hurting her. I really hope on Tuesday when we visit the OB she'll see a bit of fluid, just a little bit for now and we'll work on getting more. It won't change the fact she doesn't have kidneys, unless they too by the grace of good appear. Our OB is going to do an ultrasound so we can see her and get a good picture and try to confirm it is a her. We are also going to record her heartbeat for her weighed teddy bear. I made a weighed teddy bear for Ty (4lbs 7oz) and love it! I do find it a bit sad that my children are represented by weighed teddy bears but it's something that gives me comfort.
The weather has finally cooled down and it has rained (my plants are very happy) it puts me in the mood to do a spring cleaning, after we lost Ty I did the same thing. I just cleaned and cleaned and got rid of stuff and I'm already in the mood to do the same.It just makes me realize that material objects are worthless, unless it's related to memories of my children. Nothing seems worth it, I would give everything away to have my children in my arms again. Nothing is as precious as a life.
I've discovered in addition to Queso, Matea loves showers. I'll just stand in the shower and let the water fall down and she kicks away as happy as can be. She also likes spicy chicken wings. It still amazes me how much this pregnancy is different then from my one with Ty, it makes me realize they are so different, they each have their own personalities. I just wish I could watch them grow, here on earth instead of them watching me grow from Heaven. I know I am not the only one in the world who is living with recurrent pregnancy loss, but it seems most people have their losses well before full term, how many moms have to bury more then one child? I wish no mother had to go through more then one loss, let alone bury more then one child. The good thing to think about is that despite everything, Matea will only know love and comfort and happiness. I have to remember this and continue to pray that the doctors are wrong, that God will heal our little girl and that she will live. It is what I am holding onto right now.
I am very thankful to have a group of people here in my angel community who get it. There's something about being around them that gives me comfort, even during hard times we can laugh. I always sleep better the night of our meetings. To have them acknowledge Ty and Matea and use their names and talk about them is very special. It makes me a proud mama.Needless to say it also got me thinking a lot more. Something that has been really bothering me, how could every other organ in her body grow and be so perfect except her kidneys? I don’t get it, everything is perfect except her kidneys did not grow, how did that happen? Usually there are other things (organs) that don’t grow well either and have problems but Matea is a perfectly healthy little girl minus the fact she doesn’t have kidneys, how is that possible? No one has answers, no one can explain what causes kidneys not to grow but for everything else to grow. The only thing discovered is that sometimes when a parents has a malformed kidney, or a kidney that has stopped working well overtime that it may lead to kidney malformations in a baby, but not to not grow at all. Especially not both of the kidneys not to grow, how does that happen? What went wrong? Why can't they still grow? Aren't babies always growing and changing? Maybe her kidneys will still grow, somehow...a miracle from God perhaps?
I've seemed to notice that when I get up in the morning my tummy is rather small but as the day goes on and I drink lots of fluid it seems to puff out, I wonder if I am getting fluids to her? I'll have to ask the doctor, either way I won't stop, I will keep doing it with hope and faith that it is doing something. They told us that I won't get much bigger because everything is on the smaller side due to the lack of fluid and well, the lack of fluid. I'm hoping I get a bit bigger because I love my tummy and want to show it off, well some days, some days I just want to hide it so I don't have to explain everything. Like today, I plan on going to Cheeky Monkey and Sears to look for preemie clothes for Matea since she will be born small, or so they have said. I do not look forward to the conversation at the stores about why I am buying preemie clothes and then being asked is this your first and every other related pregnancy question that everyone asks. I hope they just keep quiet and let me do my own thing. I just don't feel strong today. It's all still such a shock, it has not set in yet and maybe it won't until we have her in our arms.
I mentioned last night that I feel a lot of guilt that Matea will have so many more memories then Ty because we know we are going to loose her. It won't stop us from doing anything but the guilt is there. I don't like that we know what to do, there were so many things we didn't do with Ty that we wished we had and I don't like having the chance to do it this time. I wish we never had the chance to do things right the second time, not when it comes to loosing a child. It isn't fair.
I decided to take time off work, I simply could not go back. The emotional and physical toll grieving takes on your body is hard to deal with, the sleepless nights, not the best eating habits, the hardship in finding any joy left in life, just thinking and feeling and everything, it really exhausts you to the bones. Not only that, this is our only time with Matea and I want to take every minute to enjoy it and celebrate it with her. If there is any chance of making a difference then rest and fluids are the only thing that will help if it is possible. On top of knowing we are loosing Matea we are still grieving the loss of our son, two different griefs, two different babies, all at one time. How does one deal? It is a very hard road, one we wish we did not have to take but one we are very thankful we have each other to lean on for.
Yesterday was a hard day emotionally. For some reason it hit me that this is really happening. I don't know what made me think about it but it was on my mind all day. It makes me very anxious and panicky. It scares me to know what is coming. As much as I have hope and faith, I saw the ultrasound, Matea's arteries to her kidneys hadn't even developed, albeit a miracle from God, she will not make it. She is not going to make it. I am so scared for her, I do not want her to suffer. The doctors reassured us that she wouldn't, they could give her things to make her comfortable, but to know that if she is born living she will die in our arms. That is a such scary thought, how many people have held someone while they died, let alone their newborn daughter? I can't even imagine how that is going to make us feel. The thought scares me to death. This whole experience is making us face death yet again. With Ty it was so quick and sudden we weren't really thinking about death, but now with our little girl, we have months with death looming in our face, really makes you think about a lot of things. I'm scared for this whole experience, part of me doesn't want to face it but I have no choice but to face it now. One way or another she is coming out and hopefully she is born living. We want some time with her living, but then the downside of that is she will die in our arms, we will watch our daughter die. It's so hard to think about that. I don't know if it's easier not to know like it was with Ty, or to know. I mean we can prepare and enjoy her as much as we can while we have her but then to know what will inevitably happen after she is born (unless God steps in and performs a miracle) makes me so scared. Was it right of us to continue? I mean really, it was never an option, we knew we would never terminate but I'm so scared and angry. I never had anger with Ty, but this time I am so angry. I just want to know why? Will we ever have a living child of our own? Why do we have to loose her too? I do not like to think about what will happen in 16 weeks from now, or less. I do look forward to getting to meet our little girl and praying we have some time with her, but the thought of her dying in our arms and seeing that....I don't know if I can do that part. The good thing to know is that like Ty, Matea will only know love and comfort and happiness, she will never experience pain or loss or sorrow. It makes me sad that when I feel her kick I know those sweet little feet will never feel the cool sand on a hot day at the beach, she will never run barefoot through the freshly cut grass, she will never jump in puddles, all those sweet little feet will know are mommy and daddy kisses.
I think one thing that scares me so much is I read horror stories of babies who were really small and delicate being born...how should I put this...not whole. If it comes down to it, if Matea is breech or showing signs of struggle we are going to do the c-section. Some people may think that's pointless when it doesn't change the outcome but if it gives us more time with our daughter and she is born whole we will take that chance. Giving birth to her will already be a very hard time. I did love giving birth to Ty and I pray we get the same experience with Matea. There's just so much to think of, so much to be afraid of, I hope over the next few months I can find peace in the whole process we will have to go through. I want to celebrate and enjoy, smile and love but it is so hard knowing we will have to hold our dying little girl in our arms. It really scares me.
We meet with our OB next Tuesday to check on Matea, she said she would do an ultrasound so we could get some pictures and record her heartbeat for her teddy bear. I also have a lot of questions about continuing the pregnancy and how that will go. I am praying with everything that I have done there is a bit of fluid for her to move around in so she's not so confined. I hope she is still doing well.
We have our bereaved families meeting tonight. I am really looking forward to it, our second family who offer so much support and love and not to mention Skor doughnuts tonight. I am so glad and so lucky we have found them. There is something special about being around people who just get it, which is why this time is harder, no one has been through this (I mean they have) but it is so rare we really are alone. I am just really thankful for our angel family.
Today will be another hard day, I didn't really sleep and I cannot stop thinking about what is happening, what is about to happen in the next few months. It is very scary, I don't want to do it but I know I have to.
One thing I don't understand and have been trying to figure out is how the doctors can say that what happened with Matea has nothing to do with what happened to Ty. How can they say that when they have no clue what happened to Ty, they have speculated and sure he had kidneys and fluid but he was never checked after 25 weeks so whose to say they didn't stop working? They don't know. I fail to believe Stephen and I have so much bad luck that we would have two "fluke" accidents happen to our children. One has a chance of 1 in 150 and the other as rare as 1 in 8000, I mean really? For both to happen to us and have no correlation, I just don't believe the doctors can look me in the eye and say it is not related at all and that we just have some really bad luck.
Another thing, I got it with Ty, he brought us closer as a couple, brought our family closer together, brought us closer to God, gave us a purpose in life (through his non-profit to help other stillbirth families) there was so much good from his short little life but with Matea I do not get it. What could we possibly gain from loosing our second child that we didn't learn with our first, except of course, more heartbreak. I'm sure we may never know but I just do not get it this time. What is the reason? Why do we have to experience even more tragedy when all we want is a family to raise and love. Why? It's the million dollar question.
Some people have mentioned we should get support from families who have gone through this, to them I say where on earth do I find a "support" group for women who are going through this? Most women choose to end pregnancies that have a fatal prognosis, where are the women that choose to carry despite the outcome? It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, I thought finding support for stillbirth after loosing Ty was hard, this is by far much harder. Unlike Ty's stillbirth, we are very alone in going through this as a couple with no support from another couple who has been through the same thing. We do have great support, but just not from people who have been through this.
I thought a lot last night about the words diagnosis versus prognosis, definitions I wish I did not have to learn. Diagnosis is the term given to a certain condition (in Matea's case - Bilateral Renal Agenesis) and prognosis is the outcome of the diagnosis (Matea - fatal, eminent death) Where is the hope in either? Why do people just choose to sweep possibility out the door? We have all heard the stories of miracle babies surviving despite their fatal prognosis, it has happened so doctors, please, cut us some slack when we have made the decision to find hope in our daughter. Respect us for our decision, even if you do not agree with it, it's hard enough to have to swallow the fact that we are going to have to bury our second child, just let us have some hope. Let me try everything I can, no one got anywhere by giving up and I won't give up. I will continue to rest and lay on my left side as much as possible, I will drink insane amounts of fluid and I will pray, pray that next time we go see the doctor there will have been a slight change in amniotic fluid in that it has increased, I know it is a slim chance but it is one I am willing to take. Tonight's thinking topic - genetic testing.
We went and reserved Matea's plot at the cemetery today. We dealt with the same guy as last time and he was really nice. She will be buried right beside Ty. We did manage to hold it together quite well this time. I think because we are still in shock and I know personally I pretty much cried myself dry yesterday, but it was quick and over with and then we went and saw Ty. Something that bothers me about the whole cemetery thing is that my husband and I now own two pieces of land, those two pieces of land are our childrens plots at the cemetery. Not a house, not a place to build a house but our childrens plots. One for our son, one for our daughter, it just doesn't seem fair. How is it fair? We own two grave plots before we even own a house?
A lot of people don't understand our decision to carry Matea to term. All I can say is she is our daughter, we love her and this is the only time we will have with her, we want to enjoy every moment (I think she agrees, she's kicking away) Not only that but she is a Gift from God (hence why we named her Matea) it is not our choice to end her life, God will make the decision for us when he thinks she is ready and in the meantime we can get to know our little girl, just like we got to know Ty.
It is not an easy road we are about to travel but we have great support, not only do my husband and I have each other but my parents have been at our side through everything. We are so blessed to have them in our lives. Our family, friends, parish, bereaved family are all there for us. We are surely not alone in our decision and those who get it, are right by our side. We are very thankful for that. It's small things like these that give us some peace and happiness in the matter. For me, my husband is my rock, even on our darkest of days he can still make me smile, give me peace, love and happiness. I would not make it through if it were not for him. He gives me strength and courage.
Though today has been okay for the most part (as okay as it can be in our situation), I have been in a bit of pain and I am praying it is nothing more then growing pains. I am not ready for our little girl to leave yet, I'm still holding on for a miracle. This afternoon has been a lot of rest and relaxation, catching up on some missed shows and about to make some Queso. Matea went crazy over Queso yesterday so I need to give her more (really have to twist my arm here) I'm trying to pay attention to what she likes the most so I can make sure she gets plenty of it. I pray she holds on and beats the odds, I look forward to getting to know her over the next few months. Mommy and Daddy love you Tea Bear
So here I sit on Mother's Day, exhausted from another night of no sleep. I cannot seem to shut my mind off as I lay down, not only that but it is one of the times during the day Matea is most active and I love to lay there and feel her little kicks, to know my baby girl is still alive and well. Her other favourite time of day is first thing in the morning. I woke up 30 minutes ago and she has kept sending me love taps which is lightening my spirit a bit. Today, I hope no one says "Happy Mother's Day to me because I don't feel saying "Happy" Mothers Day is appropriate. I really am not "Happy", my heart is broken, my babies gone/going to be gone, the only thing today brings is more sadness, maybe a bit of happiness that I carried my babies as long as I did but it still is far from a "Happy" day so today I wish myself a peaceful Mother's Day. Even though I do not have my babies I are still a Mother and I still take care of them in a Motherly way even though they are not here.
I did a lot of thinking yesterday. We found out on Monday that we were going to loose Matea and all week, as beautiful as the weather has been, all I have wanted was to go see Ty but I knew it would be a challenge for I knew when we went to see him I would look at the grave spot beside him and realize in a few months his sister will be buried there, so I put it off for a few days then yesterday out of the blue while we were on our way home I wanted to stop. I held it off for about 5 seconds and just lost it. Standing over my baby boy, looking next to him and realizing my baby girl will soon be buried there was a hard bit to swallow. I just stood and cried while my husband held me. All I could think of was how unfair it was, it really angered me. It's Mother's Day weekend and here I was standing over my sons grave thinking about how to connect his headstone with his sisters, not something I should ever have to do. No one should ever have to bury two children. Though, don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful I had the chance to be pregnant twice and carry my babies and show them love and that's all they know is love. But still, it was so hard to stand there and think in a few months there will be a new grave, a grave that now will have my daughter. After this experience I felt a lot of anger and strength. I decided, unlike the doctors, I do not just want to "blow" this pregnancy off. This is my daughter and I will fight for her life, I will do everything in my power and leave the rest up to God. I will rest as much as I can, I will drink insane amounts of water to hopefully give her some fluid and cushion, only God can grow her a kidney but I can do everything else possible to give her the best chance. Though the doctors are choosing to have no hope and not really stand behind us on our decision, I will fight for Matea, then at least I can feel okay knowing I tried. I refuse to just give up like everyone else. She is my daughter and as her mother I will fight for her. It is Mother's Day, I am a mother and my duty is to protect my children and fight for them.
With it being Mother's Day tomorrow, which I won't even begin to discuss, the pain is too deep and unbearable, I find myself bothered by facebook. All I see are moms whose idea of a good Mother's Day is to have the day to themselves kid free, you should really thank the lord you even have kids. Do you not realize how lucky and blessed you are to have living children? Do you know what I would give to hold my son or daughter in my arms and watch them grow for years to come? This Mother's Day why don't you surround yourself with your children, for they after all make you a mother and think about all the women who had tried to have children and are still left struggling. Women who would give anything to hear a little one say the word mama, to get hugs, to wipe tears, to clean cute little tushies, to joyfully wake up at 3am for some extra special snuggles, think about the Mother's who on Mother's Day do not wake up to snotty little noses in bed with handmade cards instead, you can find us at the cemetery talking to our children, wishing more then anything they were here. I am a mother of two Angels, Tiberius Stephen 10-15-10 who is already in Heaven and Matea Faith, Expected Due Date 8-25-11, who we pray is with us for a few hours before joining her big brother in Heaven.
I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I find I cannot sleep as nine million things seem to run through my mind when I finally lay down for the night. Last night I was contemplating what to tell strangers. Obviously my belly will still continue to grow, though not like a normal pregnancy belly because of the lack of fluid. But people will notice and I am sure I will get asked, "Is this your first", "What are you having", " When are you due" and all the normal pregnancy questions you ask people when you can clearly tell they are pregnant and it just isn't a case of too many doughnuts. How do you handle this situation? She is our second, do we mention our first is an angel or do we leave it at she is our second and if they probe further do we mention then that our first did not make it. We are having a girl, which I am sure will be followed by "Congratulations" sure thanks, I am happy we are having a little girl and were blessed to be pregnant again but do we disclose that our little girl will not make it either or do we leave it at saying thanks with a glaringly obvious fake smile on? When am I due....well that is a tough one. I am officially due September 28th but we plan on inducing around August 25th if we are so blessed that our daughter survives that long, though she could come at anytime, so what do I say to that? I do not have the strength as of yet to explain to every stranger what is happening. I hope at some point I will find the courage to say, this is our second, our first did not survive and our little girl is not expected to survive, if we are so blessed to have her with us until August 25th that is when she will be born, hopefully living for a few hours. But then you bring on the same uncomfortableness as when people asked us about Ty. Then you have the people who are going to no doubt criticize your decision to carry the child even given the outcome. How do you explain your decision to them when there wasn't even really a decision? We always knew we would never terminate a pregnancy, we feel it is not our right to end a life so tiny and fragile. We also choose to believe in some hope, some miracle despite the doctors telling us to give up. She loves to give little kicks a lot of the time and we know her heartbeat is still strong, she deserves the best life we can give her even if it is brief. She is our daughter, we love her, we cannot wait to hold her in our arms when we the time comes. So I sit here thinking about how to deal with all the questions we will inevitably get. It's easier to tell everyone we know and send them to this website but while out in public how are we going to deal with this? Will I ever find the strength to tell strangers what is really going on, I guess it may depend on my mood that day and how I think the stranger will react. I am very proud of our decision to carry Matea despite her outcome, not a lot of people have the strength to carry on after a bleak diagnosis. Someone said to me the other day, "well you could end the pregnancy and get it over with, recover and try again soon". Sure we could go that route, but again, ending her precious life is not an option for us, she is posing no risk to anyone and is happy and content in my belly. Not only that, this is our only time with our daughter and we will celebrate every moment we have with her. As for trying again, that is no where on our radar at the moment, we still may be blessed with 4 more months of having our daughter, a time that is solely for her, a time for her go grow and become her own little girl. At this point trying again isn't even an option, there is a whole other set of questions for that discussion, for that decision. Right now our focus is on staying healthy and giving Matea as long as we possibly can inside her mommy's belly where she is a happy lively little girl. So here goes another day being out in public with an obviously growing baby bump, hoping no one asks questions. I am not ready for that. At least my husband will be with me, he is the strong one and probably will be able to tell people so I don't have too. I guess I just can't go anywhere without him. Next up...Holidays....
Mommy woke up very angry and upset this morning. I feel as though we are being punished, first we lost your brother and now we are going to loose you. How is this fair? I have so many emotions running through me, so many questions, thoughts and heartbreak. But you, you know how to make mommy smile, with those ever so sweet little kicks and punches that I am so happy I can finally feel. Thank you for sharing those sweet kicks with Daddy yesterday, it melts our hearts when we can feel them. Today we are going out to run some errands and start picking up a few things in preparation for your birthday, we pray it's not for at least another 16 weeks. The longer you stay in mommy the more time we have with you, the more we can get to know you and show you how much you are loved. As much as mommy is angry and upset that we are going to loose you, I would not trade the days we have with you for anything. We were so thankful we had 9 months with your brother and we pray we get the same amount of time with you. Stay in mommy for as long as you can, Daddy and I look forward to meeting your sweet little face but only when you are ready. In the meantime, keep kicking and punching mommy as much as you would like as I love knowing you are still alive. My sweet Matea, our journey has only begun. I look forward to every second, every minute, every hour we get to have you in our life. We love you very much sweet baby girl. Hugs and Kiss, Love Mommy and Daddy
Tuesday May 3rd, 2011. Today we learned that you, our little girl, do not have kidneys or any amniotic fluid and will not survive outside the womb. Despite the doctors suggesting we terminate you, that was never an option for us. You are our little girl and even though you will not survive we wanted to spend every minute we could with you. We love you so much. We pray we are blessed to carry you to full term and that you will be born living and be with us for a few hours. The doctors choose not to have faith but daddy and I do. We had names picked out in case you were a boy/girl but because you are a very special little girl we decided to pick a special name for you. We have chosen Matea (meaning Gift of God) Faith (what your daddy and I have lots of) We look forward to getting to know you over the next few months and look forward to the day we get to hold you in our arms. We pray for a few hours with you before you join your big brother Tiberius in Heaven.