Stephen and I are heading out for our Honeymoon Saturday and we leave my mother with a dying frog. I do believe there has always been one dominate frog and this guy was not the dominate one. He has been floating at the top since yesterday, I've tapped on the glass and he still moves but not much, he has not swam down in a few hours, we do believe Ty and Jacob will soon be getting a new pet in Heaven. We'll have to get another set so the lonely guy doesn't feel so lonely. I can't flush him just yet because he is still somewhat a live so I'll wait until he is belly up for most of the day and try prodding him to see if he will move and if not then we'll flush him.
We'll be packing tomorrow for our honeymoon and I think both of us are nervous. I'll admit it right now, I'm not really that excited anymore, I feel the anxiety creeping up to a place I don't want it to be. I want a break from it all, I want to leave Saturday morning and feel relatively okay but I know it may turn into a catastrophe. At least I will have my husband by my side and my mom will be here looking after all our boys (and the dying frog) but even that does not calm my nerves. We have been away for a few hours when we went to Port Huron and all I wanted was to come home, I can only imagine how a night away will feel, I doubt I will even sleep! But I will go and put on my fake smile and pretend to have a good time and perhaps at moments in the beauty of the falls and the serenity and quietness of the night I will enjoy it for a moment, maybe even feel connected to the boys. I don't expect much and I think that's the best way to look at it. If I expect to go and have a good time and smile I'm really setting myself up (kind of like the baby expo) but if I go expecting to cry a lot and be miserable and I do enjoy my time, well it's a win for me. I can't really predict how it will go, I know going to Port Huron was not great but it is a different setting and we have tons of stuff to keep us busy, things neither of us have done (minus Ikea, we go there a lot) Or plan is to get up early Saturday morning and leave by 9. It takes about 2 1/2 hours to get to the Falls but we want to stop at Ikea on the way. We'll check in, get all of our goodies, head to the bird kingdom, go have dinner at outback, head to Dave and Busters, walk around the falls at night (it is suppose to rain so we better bring umbrellas, I don't mind rain as long as it's not a thunderstorm, if its a warm rain I may even forgo the umbrella) then head back to try and go to sleep. Wake up in the morning head to the buffet and once breakfast is gone head home. I expect we will be gone approximately 28 hours. It seems so small to most but to me I'm sure it will seem like an eternity. I am bringing my camera and will be taking pics, Stephen and I have two pictures of us since we lost Ty (minus wedding, mat and NILMDTS with Jacob) but real pictures of us doing normal people things, we have two. I guess its mainly because we don't go anywhere so it will be nice to get out and I will try my hardest to have a good time.
So not only is the frog on the fritz, I went outside to clean up the garbage because the raccoon go to it again and there was a dead baby bird. I felt so bad so I dug a hole and buried him. It really brought my attention to the fact the boys are buried underground and I am so thankful they are in caskets that will take years to even begin to disintegrate because the little birdi had fly's and maggots all over it and I felt so bad that it was happening to the poor little things little body. I can't imagine knowing Ty and Jacob are in the ground but thankful that they are in caskets. I ended up throwing out the garden shovel I used because who knows what kinds of diseases it had. Washed many hands thoroughly even though I used gloves. Poor little birdy. At least now it has been laid to rest properly. He is no longer baking in the sun on our back walkway being eaten by all kinds of animals but lays quietly under the earth where he was born from. Rest In Peace little birdy.
I just wanted to say thanks to the person who commented on my post the other day about the Blue Jays. I don't know why I didn't think of that! My husband is actually going to a game next week with his dad and I knew they were there from last time we went but I was clueless so thanks for giving me the heads up on remembering that and before he went. I will soon have me two stuffed Blue Jays. I tried explaining to my husband what he was required to get and I said "real blue jays, the stuffed kind, not that kind that is the logo" he thought I meant taxidermy blue jays....eww no! So I gave him a picture of what I was looking for. LOL can you imagine my face if he did come home with two taxidermy blue jays and I freaked out and he said to me, well it's what you wanted, you said two real stuffed blue jays. I'm glad we clarified what I meant before he went.
Actually now that I am typing this I am realizing we are going to the Bird Kingdom in Niagara Falls this weekend, they are bound to have them there and perhaps even more blue jay items Ekkkk. I was also looking online and maybe if I feel daring enough I'll hold a big snake! Or maybe not go as crazy and hold a bird.
And thanks to my Aunt Karen, Stephen and I will be able to enjoy another date night at Milestones! That I did enjoy, mmm...sweet potato fries and steak with mashed potatoes and veggies....yum!
I ended up at the walk in clinic this morning because I have been so run down the last few days...the verdict : A cold. Yup I went to the doctors for a cold. I didn't think it was a cold because my symptoms were low grade fever and sore throat, nothing else so I wasn't sure if it were strep or perhaps something else. Nope he said just a cold but I may go back in a day or two if my throat continues to get worse, the whole millisecond he took to look at my throat, I don't think it was sufficient enough. Any who, I have my chicken noodle soup, frozen yogurt, Tylenol, lots of fluid and a new bed for plenty of rest to help get over it (I'm on day 5)
Our new mattress came today and my body has been so excited the whole day it has been preparing by making me extremely exhausted! The few seconds I have laid upon it I have not noticed a difference but I am sure tonight while I am working my way towards slumber I most certainly will. I look forward to tonight's impending sleep oasis.
In other news I, for the very first time, successfully made muffins!! Yah go me! I've made muffins many times before but I always seem to burn the bottom a bit or they stick to the edge of the paper (our tins are a bit older so I don't want to just put them in there, with my luck they would never come out and it would be even more of a disaster) I bought some blueberries the other day, I don't like blueberries but they were on sale and I know there good for you so I thought, what the heck. I hadn't eaten them yet and decided I wasn't going to unless they were melted in with a ton of sugar and butter. I found a new recipe for Blueberry Streusel Muffins and OMG they are DELICIOUS!! I have to share the link to them (a few other recipes I want to try too):
If you don't like blueberries like me but want to eat them because they are healthy (though I don't know if you constitute them as healthy with all the buttery sugar goodness) try this recipe.
Perhaps it is time to enjoy another muffin, followed by some frozen yogurt, knitting and then slumber....have to rest up and kick this cold in it's butt!
I have a bad case of the nervous toots today. I can't say why but I pray in a few days I can share. There is something very important happening today (and just to ease all your minds, it has nothing to do with another pregnancy so no need to go and wonder there) I've tried to prepare the best I could but for some situations you just can't prepare. I don't like that I can't share, I need prayers and want to share but due to the logistics of some things, I have to wait. Things have to happen in a certain order. I have no idea how to calm my nerves, I'm so nervous I am shaking. I ate lunch and I can only pray it stays down.
Things have been pretty quiet here lately, not much going on, just doing our thing. We are heading to Niagara Falls this weekend (with a stop at IKEA on the way) to celebrate our honeymoon (we never went on one). That involves my mom coming up on Thursday and I'm really excited to see her, it's been far too long since the last time I saw her. Next week my FIL is coming and again, it has been far too long since we saw him (he does live in Vancouver BC though so it's a bit more understandable) then the week after that my parents will be back up again. Lots of seeing the folks the next few weeks which will be really nice. Perhaps, depending on how things go today it may change the plan for the next few weeks....don't worry at some point you will know what exactly is going on and you will understand why I can't mention anything at the moment (and again nothing to do with babies) which speaking of babies, the boys have really shown them selves lately through Blue Jays and of course this morning while I was meandering around Wal Mart waiting for time to pass before my appointment, I went down the garden Isle and FINALLY found a Blue Jay solar light, I have been looking everywhere and am happy I found one today.
I am also looking for two stuffed Blue Jays so if anyone sees them anywhere, let me know or you are more than welcome to buy them and send them to me too....just saying.
Alright, short and sweet for today since I have to go get ready for my special day, that and I need to go meditate and calm my nerves a bit....AHAHHFIHWEIRY#$(&%(#$&(HG stress is out in full force today.
Today was pretty uneventful. Woke up at 7am like we have been, got ready for church, I put together an avocado salsa for our picnic and headed off. We had a children's pageant then proceed to the basement and ate some mighty delicious food. I really stuffed my face with food and half of my plate was filled with eggs. Ever since being in the hospital with Jacob I have been addicted to hard boiled eggs (sometimes with a slice of cheese) and deviled eggs, I can't get enough. I did limit myself to 4 today I didn't want my cholesterol to go through the roof and I figured I should share as well but trust me, I could have finished off the entire plate of deviled eggs if I needed too.
I just cannot get enough eggs! We drove by and saw the boys afterwords but due to the thunder and lightning decided we should stay inside the car instead of getting out and possibly REALLY going to see them. I was there last night so I felt okay and I'm so thankful it rained because the garden is now soaked! Speaking of the garden, I do need to replace a few plants the deer got too but I know which ones they have not touched and will get more of those.
I've just been lazing around all afternoon, feel a bit run down this evening, perhaps it was all the eggs I ate....have a bit of a fever I am trying to keep down without meds (since becoming eco I like to not take meds until the last possible resort) and watched a movie called Opal Dreams. I thought it would be cute, it was about a little girl who had two imaginary friends....plus opals are Ty's birthstone so I was all set.....they REALLY need to put in the title that her imaginary friends die and they have a funeral because talk about sob fest OMG. It was all cute and everything until they got to the scene with the small caskets...I lost it. It hit me so hard, people putting flowers on the caskets and then throwing dirt on....brought me right back to Ty and Jacob but I just let the tears run down my face. I do hurt after all because I loved and continue to love so much. Other than not getting a warning about that it was a cute short little movie, good to watch while laying on the couch.
I just wish I had some more eggs...oh wait I do! But 5 in a day...probably not the best idea. I'll have them for breakfast...mmm......at least it's not a horrible addiction I mean eggs are really good for you. Now devil them and maybe not but adding a piece of cheese..okay I need to stop talking about them or I'm going to eat an entire.......what is the word, the thing eggs come in....drawing a blank....not crate....not bin....yeah I have no idea, the thing eggs come in, anyone know what there called? Okay time to go to bed so I can wake up and eat more eggs!
Yesterday morning when I got into the car the first thing I heard was a message on the radio. It said "There is always Joy, Joy will be here tomorrow morning" I took this as a sign that this morning I would wake up to some awesome news, sadly I forgot to buy my lottery ticket and I don't consider waking up at 3am very joyful. Yes I have been up since 3am and honestly I'm not that tired.
I did get some pretty exciting news yesterday but I can't share yet :0) Though I do not doubt in a few weeks I will be able to announce the other stressor in my life that will no longer be a stressor!!! Just please pray for me, I have some pretty big things happening next week and I need lots of prayers....
Onto the baby expo. I'll admit while we were sitting waiting to go in my nerves started to act up even though there weren't a lot of people there. Once we got in, we both did okay. I know for me personally I didn't even notice the other people there. We went right as it opened to avoid it being busy and that was a great plan. There were pregnant women and babies there but I didn't notice them. I was too preoccupied looking at all the booths to even notice so it wasn't bad at all. I seem to have gotten really good about ignoring other people in my surroundings and only focusing on what I need to. Picked up a few good info things and a few cute little stuffed toys and left before it got crowded. Of course we got bombarded with the "how many weeks are you, is this your first, how old are your children, how many do you have" questions but we both responded truthfully, not currently pregnant, no this is my third, my children are 20 months and 9 months and I have two boys. I didn't even have to make anything up it was great. Thankfully it was busy enough that too many questions weren't asked as others came over to the booths. I also found a few really good local stores that had some CUTE baby things so when we do have a munchkin in our life I know where I am going!
So all in all it was a pretty good morning. Like I said, I need some prayers for this week, we have some pretty big things coming up we need all the prayers we can get. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to share one of the secrets. Until then you all have to wait....:0)
Tomorrow A. and I are embarking on a rather tough journey. We decided we'd like to attend the Babies, Bumps and Toddlers expo at the Western Fair. I know, I know, you can all pick up your jaws off the floor....Jessica WILLINGLY going to a place filled with babies and pregnant women? What has gotten into her right? A. and I are most certainly crazy, I know for both of us it is hard emotionally to see pregnant women and babies and to surround ourselves with that and a lot of it, yeah we have lost our minds. But, we are mothers and we continue to try to be mothers again. We belong at that expo just as much as anyone else who goes.
I'm sure we will see some AWESOME (said in the most sarcastic tone I can) parenting skills and have to bite our tongues not to go off on them or ignorant pregnant women. Perhaps I should wear my Mommy to Angels t-shirt and walk proudly with my wrists held high....scare them a bit of the reality of every pregnancy. No, I won't do that, at least I won't wear my shirt and I won't wave my hands in the air but my tattoos will be seen, but I can't promise I will hold my tongue if I hear a pregnant women complaining about a petty stupid little thing. However, my goal is not to go and ruin peoples day but rather try to feel the excitement most of them have. I miss that excitement, I miss the preparations for a baby and I know due to statistics, at least one of the pregnant women there and maybe more, will lose their baby but I can guarantee, nothing at that expo will even hint towards perinatal and infant loss. Perhaps there should be a booth about perinatal and infant loss. I know no one wants to talk about it but if you are pregnant you need to be prepared and plan for every situation possible which includes your baby dying. I don't know if it is the right place, I do believe the pre-natal fairs the health units host should have a booth about loss there. Heck, I'd be happy to run the booth, as a twice bereaved parent I can offer some good insight and advice. I can show others that there is another side, that there is always still hope. Perhaps in return, they can remind me of the joy and excitement of expecting.
It'll be very nice to have A. with me. We can laugh and cry and though people make look at us and wonder, we'll be together. We will take this HUGE step head on, side by side. It is something we both want to do and it is the right time in our lives to be doing so. I can't promise it won't be a complete catastrophe and end with be curling up in the fetal position crying my eyes out, but I'll try to save that for at home.
I will admit my heart is already racing thinking about it but my heart is also the one that wants me to be there. We will be there at 9:15am in line because I will be damned if I miss out on the swag bag!!! I am getting a swag bag, even if we have to go camp over night tonight!
I think I may also register for a stock in Kleenex as well, make sure to bring a large supply and blame it on "it's just allergies". What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I am working myself up a lot more then I should be, maybe I will go and have a great time and perhaps even buy something for the next babe, how and whenever that happens. I cant say tomorrows blog will be epic, it may or may not be it depends on what unfolds throughout the day. If anything, I can come home and sleep the day away or I can bake and cry (I have to make stuff for the church picnic on Sunday anyways) and the best food is made with lots of blood sweat and literally...tears! If people ask me my secret ingredient I will respond with "grief" tastes great doesn't it?
Here is to a day of two crazies taking a huge leap in their grief, trying to remain hopeful and trying to fit in where they belong, we are after all, both mothers, we may not have "bumps" at the moment but we do have babies and toddlers.
I recently found out that this morning around 3:35am, Melissa took her last breath of life. She fought a long hard battle but now is in no pain and will be greeted by her son and husband in Heaven. Left behind are her two little girls, ages 4 and 2. Please pray for them and her family at this tragic time. I am so thankful I still have my life, so thankful all the other important people in my life are still here and doing well. I do have rough days and I surely struggle a lot but situations like these remind me and show me how truly blessed I am.
Stephen and I purchased new mattress today, thanks to my parents. The one we have is about 25 years old and has been passed down from generation to generation for quite some time. We have flipped that thing more times then a dolphin flips his flippers and it is ready to be retired (it gets to provide comfort to our guests now) so after a week of online research about mattresses at a few different store we headed out. Our itinerary was : Sleep Country (which I thought would be the most priciest and not have something in our range) followed by Sears (which was a bit pricier but had some decent sales) and Jysk (which has bottom of the line mattresses and no free delivery. We made it as far as Sleep Country lol...#1 on our list. We were pleasantly surprised at the deal we got. It beat the other two places in price, service and quality! We told her our price range and she respectfully stayed under that. She even got us a further discount for having a mismatched set (the box spring and top fabrics do not match, no big deal it's hidden anyways) and at Sleep Country you get a discount the first time you buy from them. We are very happy with one of the larger purchases as a couple, we have a list of somethings and this was #1. Next, pillow, I won't lie she did try to sell us some pillows but we said no and there was no pressure. However, the pillow she let me try was amazing so it may go on the list of expensive needs! Actually, before pillows comes AC. We successfully installed the AC we have in our bedroom but since Stephen works from home now, he really will need one in his office, it is the hottest room in the house because the sun shines in there all day. I do think Wal-Mart will be our choice since they are reasonably priced there.
I tell you, being poor and living on a budget is hard, it takes months to save up for bigger things we need but thanks to our gracious and giving parents we have been able to get a few things we need and plan for the rest. So, why did getting a new bed turn into a hard day?
When we bought the bed they said in order for the 10 year warranty to be applied we had to have two things, a mattress protector and a sturdy frame with a bar in the middle. The new bed frame we received from friends of ours had the bar in the middle but we never put it on so today I dug it out, moved the mattresses and installed it. The bar posed a problem as the under the bed bins I had wouldn't fit. Well, only one would, okay, two would have but I always leave a large space in back for Milo to hide, he sleeps there a lot so I couldn't block it. So that left one bin needing to be moved. It was broken anyways so I figured I'd put all the contents in another box and stick it in the storage closet. I got the bin out and began transferring things.
The bin that wouldn't fit under the bed, the one I was transferring things from, it consisted of little boy clothes, 18 months old to be exact. Instead of putting those clothes away in the box I should have been putting them on Ty. He would be 19 months and wearing a lot of that stuff but he never got the chance. Of course this really upset me and I cred while doing it. I tried to picture what he would look like, would he grow red hair, blonde hair or brown hair. Would he have any curls or waves (I have slight curly hair) would his blue eyes stay blue or would they change to another colour? Would I have still have put the white shirt on him knowing damn well little boys should NOT wear white EVER! But it was only .75 how could I pass it up? It would be his outdoor clothes. Would all the pajamas we had be too warm for him to wear? The ones with the cute raccoons and bears....would they even all fit? Stephen and I are small people whose to say he wouldn't be either? Would he have received hand-me downs from cousins and friends? Today left a lot of upsetting questions.
But my Ty let me know he was with me, I haven't seen the Blue Jays in a few days and the tears were rolling down my face I looked outside and there was one! I knew it was him. It didn't help the pain but it was peaceful.
Things still hit me unexpectedly. A good day finally finding a new mattress only to come home and be heartbroken. It gets me every time. I do know Ty would have been a stylin little guy, I would have made sure of that! Now I must put them away, wondering if they will ever be used by a little boy of ours.....only to wonder, on I go putting my hopes and dreams into a sealed box...waiting for the day if we are ever so lucky.
I found these little guys yesterday, only two there, sitting like this on the shelf. I knew it was my boys so I had to get them.
Never again eat deep fried cheese ravioli, they may sound good at the time and taste amazingly delicious but your gallbladder will NOT thank you!!!! I have not had a bad gallbladder attack in quite sometime, since I was pregnant. I have been dealing with gallbladder issues since having Jacob and both times pretty bad while pregnant with Ty and Jacob but it seemed to settle down after I had them.....not anymore. Wowzers.....if this keeps up it will have to come out!
This is the garden before I worked my magic. Do you notice how pitiful it looks? All of our angels deserve better than that so I took $100 and bought all that I could to improve the children's garden. I was not happy with how pathetic it looked, I was going to build Ty and Jacob a garden of there own and still may make a small one for them, but I felt all the children deserved something nice since the flat stones can't have gardens. There were only 4 plants (2 of which look not so well but I left them in) in that entire garden.
This is the after. It isn't a lot ($100 for plants, mulch and solar lights doesn't go far) but the plants should grow in over the next few years (all perennials and ones the deer shouldn't eat) and with a little care every year provided by Moi, I think it will look beautiful. I do think it looks 100 times better just from what we did and I pray no one steals the solar lights I put in. This is for all of the angels buried there. Much love from all the Nelles'. I'll try to get a better picture tomorrow when it is in the sun so you can see it more. Deer and thieves need not visit to enjoy it's beauty.
34 years ago a man and women said "I Do" and because of them, one year ago I was able to say "I Do". It has been a year since I walked down the aisle and was given away by my mom and dad to my best friend. I said I Do to the man of my dreams, someone who I can't imagine my life without, who has been my rock these last 18 months, who loves me for me, who is an incredibly amazing dad, a hard-worker, handsome, fun, makes me laugh on days I just want to cry, he is my everything. We picked the 20th in recognition of my parents anniversary. They have such a strong loving marriage and we figured perhaps if we got married on the same day our marriage would bring us that luck as well (though it's more about hard work, tolerance, forgiveness and a lot of love then it is luck)
It has not been a typical first year of marriage, many couples struggle their first year learning about the ups and downs of being married but after all we went through, we were set for anything. Our first year was the hardest year we will ever have to go through, given we don't have another loss or something doesn't happen to one of us but we learned that no matter what life throws our way, we can do it, we can make it through as long as we have each other. Our first year was such a blur, only two weeks before we were married we found out about Jacob and that changed our plans drastically. We didn't plan a honeymoon, we couldn't, I needed to rest as much as I could. We didn't really go anywhere but we were together, everyday until Stephen went back to work in November! I don't see how we managed to stay sane. Being together every single day for just about every hour of the day for 7 months straight.....that's tough but our love got us through. It just proved we were really meant to be because we didn't mind one bit, we loved having that time together.
Our wedding was a day of celebration and we meant for it to be. Yes, only two weeks before we were heartbroken yet again, but this day, this special day was about us and our love and that was to be celebrated. We were also told Jacob may not survive much longer in utero so it was a day to celebrate the fact he was still with us. We had such a lovely day, everything was pushed to the side and didn't matter. All that mattered was our love and it could be felt by everyone. I don't want to toot my own horn but our wedding was awesome. I planned everything myself and we stuck to our budget of about $9000 but people still tell me it was one of the most beautiful, loving weddings they have ever been too (not sure people say that to everyone but I do think they meant it) You could truly feel the love and laughter. It was such a great day to celebrate.
I woke up that morning (no we didn't stay in separate rooms the night before, we love each other too much!) to learn that it was suppose to rain that day (and it did in every other part of London expect the parts we were in, the sun was most certainly shinning that day thanks to our angels) I headed out with my mom and Maid of Honor (Nicole) and Stephen headed over to his brothers to get ready. I think we ate breakfast at some point? We headed out to get out hair done and then on to do makeup and then back home to get ready and have some pictures taken. Stephen was at his brother's getting ready (his brother was his best man, small wedding party but it suited us) and they also had some pictures taken. Once we were all set we headed out to Springbank Gardens to have out pictures taken. We decided to get them done before because I don't like being at weddings and having much time between the ceremony and when we eat and I didn't want to make our guests wait either so we did the pictures before (and as for any curses HA, we've been through Hell already we can handle anything) I can still remember getting out of the car and slowly walking up to see Stephen for the first time, he was turned away from me and I tapped him on his shoulders and he turned around and we both laughed because I actually looked like a girl, makeup and all (I don't normally wear makeup or do my hair all fancy) We spent a few moments together and then started the pictures with family and friends.
We decided to take some pictures in the Bereaved Families Garden as it was such a special place for us. Ty's name wasn't engraved yet but he surely made his presence, while the photographer was off with just Stephen and I, ever so gently a butterfly came floating by and sat on a stone right by us, we knew it was Ty. That was my favourite moment of the day! It was so beautiful. We then headed to the church (only 5 minutes late) for the ceremony and I swore I would not cry...I actually never cried once that day my smile was too big to leave room for tears. My mom and dad walked me down the aisle, we said the traditional vows and sealed the deal.
We took a few more pictures with family that wasn't at the pre-pictures and headed down to eat. I like food so we most certainly were going to eat and soon because I was 20 weeks pregnant and HUNGRY!!!! Our food was AMAZING!!! People said it was some of the best they have ever had. If you need a caterer in London, use Culinary Catering. We had Chicken, Pasta, Prime Rib, 4 different kinds of salads, veggies, potatoes, buns and for dessert (no wedding cake) black forest cake, cheesecake and tiramisu. We ate, drank, then had out first dance. I picked out song, it was by Lady Antebellum called "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" (Music video below) and then mingled with all of our guests. We packed up at 11pm (we're party animals eh?) and headed off to spend the night at the Delta (thanks to my parents) and enjoyed our time there. We brought and opened all our gifts at the hotel, walked around a bit then headed to bed.
I know there were so many more details but I don't remember them all so here is the link to the album I created with some of my favoruite pictures: I should mention, the pictures of us with the bears, the bears represented Ty and Jacob, though at the time we thought Jacob was Matea so that's why one bear is wearing a dress lol...poor guy!
Our Wedding Song
Some of you may remember me mentioning a lady by the name of Melissa whom I met through a Potter's Syndrome group. This was the lady who lost her son Robert in November to Potter's Syndrome. In January, unexpectedly he husband had a heart attack and died (well he as in the hospital waiting for surgery to fix his problem) and a few months ago she was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer. I learned today that her most recent diagnosis was fatal. Her cancer has rapidly spread more than they were estimating and she only has about two weeks left, if that. She has two beautiful little girls, Marjorie and Amy who will now be faced growing up without parents and a brother. My heart is breaking for her. I can't even fathom what she has gone through. On days where it seems my life is hard and I'm down, checking in with her smartens me up and makes me realize how blessed I am. I know I'm blessed but it doesn't mean I don't have my struggles. I just can't process what is going on with her. She is incredibly brave and strong and an inspiration to many. I just simply ask that you keep her family in your prayers, especially her little girls. My heart is just so broken for her family......
My attempt at BBQ was a no go. I was too busy attending to something else that I need to take care of, something I can't mention but that is EXTREMELY stressful. I can only pray it works itself out and God gives me guidance and strength to get through it. I'm just so lost and clueless when it comes to this thing. I've done all I can and now all I can do is wait. It's stressful, I do believe in myself and I hope others do as well. I just wish I could catch a break, but like I've learned over the last 18 months, I'll never catch a break. I have to work hard and harder to even get somewhere small! I can never be handed something because then I may not appreciate it as much, trust me at this point I'd appreciate anything!
My new theory : Better start liking lemonade because I don't know what else to do with all these lemons life is giving me!
I don't know if I have ever mentioned before how much I despise taking the bus. I know, I know, I should be thankful I even have the opportunity, I should be thankful that I have that service available to me. Trust me, I am. I'm also so very thankful that Stephen and I are able to have a car, that we have the luxury of owning a car and the finances to do so (it does come at a cost of no cable and not so fast internet) but my car is so important to me.
I've never had to "take" the bus with one exception of 3 years ago. The only bus (other then school bus) I had to take was in University. There was only one bus though, it made all the stops without me needing to pull the stop request handle. I knew when it came, I knew were it would go, I knew where to get off and there were no tickets or transfers required. It was so simple and easy. Also, when the bus stopped the back doors would automatically open. It was my dream bus ride, a ride of no fears or worries....today....not so much.
Let's start with knowing when the bus comes. I looked up the schedule and it said in order to be at the stop I needed to get off I needed to catch the 9:30 bus. But see, the 9:30 bus is up the street, it doesn't say exactly when the bus would be at my bus stop....I did some calculating and it seemed the bus came every 25 minutes. I figured if I went out there are 9:15 I'd be safe. There was no way I could miss it right? Well I didn't because it was late. It didn't get to my stop until 9:32, it was about 5-8 minutes behind but it was okay. That would put me at where I needed to be right on time. So the bus came....then came the "bus driver laughs at Jessica" moment.
The ticket slot. I've never used a ticket slot, I didn't know what it was going to look like and I surely did not know where to stick my ticket. I was hoping someone would join me at my bus stop and get on before me so I could try and see. I feared the people on the bus would laugh and point at me...that girl has NO clue what she is doing...no your right I don't. Thankfully my embarrassment was saved by two things. 1. the fact that no one else was on the bus and 2. the bus driver could see the look of cluelessness in my eyes and pointed kindly to the slot I needed to put my ticket in. I over came hurdle number two as my ticket smoothly slid into it's proper place. Now Stephen had told me to ask for a transfer when I got on the bus (I know the purpose of a transfer thanks)
Now Stephen had told me to ask for a transfer when I got on the bus (I know the purpose of a transfer thanks) and not having been a bus expert I thought it was like the ticket system at the meat counter, I grab one and go...nope, you actually have to say you need a transfer, I can only imagine what the bus driver thought as I stood there looking at him, so clueless and thinking I was so close! It took me a few seconds to realize I needed to ASK him, he then proceeded to hand it to me and because he did not say anything I assumed it was my time to go find a seat.
A piece of advice to my bus riding friends who have not had the pleasure of riding public transportation before....when choosing a seat (given you have the choice, sometimes you don't. You'll either have to sit by the smelly old looking man or stand and for those with balance issues like me, standing is probably the last possibly thing you want to go with, even the smelly old man seems better than standing) MAKE SURE to choose a seat that faces forward. If not you may become green with illness from the swaying back and forth of the crazy bus driver and watching things go by you at a quick pace makes one dizzy and so very nauseous. I was given a heads up by my psychologist that I should try riding in a seat facing forward, which I did on the way home and I must report it is better. That being said, there is no way I could ever ride the bus if I were to become pregnant, if I was as sick as I was with Ty I would be getting off at every stop to puke. Bus drivers are CRAZY!! I was so dizzy and ill feeling even when I was in the facing forward seats (though I will admit it was much better and less stomach turning when facing forward, I could perhaps do that for a short trip) So I made my way to a seat, I chose the side facing seats right behind the bus driver because I did not know where to go. Yes, I made that mistake. We were riding along and my next task was getting close to appearing.
Pulling the stop request handle aka the germ infested yellow thing above the germ infested window above the germ infested seat you are sitting on. Did I mention buses are germy? The first thing I did when I got off the bus both times was wash my hands. Lord knows what or who touched the things I had to touch....ewww....Anyways, I was passing Cherryhill mall and knew my stop was next so I pulled the handle. That part worked, I did okay! Yahhhhh......but then came the next issue.
How to get off the bus. This may seem so simple to people who often ride but as a non-bus rider this is something I debated. I was sitting in the seat right behind the driver so I was close to the front door and though I'll just get off because he'll see me and can open the doors. However, there were a few signs posted that said for MY safety to exit at the rear of the bus. At this point in the ride only people had gotten on, no one got off. I decided to abide by the signs and exit at the rear of the bus. In order to do this one must get out of their seat a few seconds before the stop to appropriately be flung around by the drivers crazy antics, I swear they get a snicker if someone falls! It seems like it is their purpose. You may think it is to get people safely from point A to B but after what I witnessed today it's like a hidden camera show to see how people react and how many people they can get to fall. I decided it was best for me to be at the door before he stopped so I didn't go flying....I attempted to make my way to the back probably looking quite silly grabbing and holding everything I could ( on the way home I was shown that you can walk on a bus without holding anything and not fall....maybe for the pros, that doesn't work for this chick) but I made it and as I stood grasping the bars and all there germs for dear life I was almost done the torture. Now came the last part....
Opening the doors. Let me reiterate, I have only ever been on one "city" bus while in college and the one time I did ride it here others were on and off before me so I just followed them. The bus at the University I went to had the doors that automatically opened if you stood on the step so here I was, Oxford and Britannia, waiting to get off the bus at my stop yet the doors were not opening..I stood there expecting them to open and thanked God there was about 20 people waiting to get on the bus so I had time to look up and read the sign that said push yellow bar to open door...Ahhhh ha! You have to push the yellow bar, so I pushed and it opened and I was free!!!!!!!!!!!
Well free for 1 hour before I had to get back on the bus and do it all over again but this time I was prepared. The only thing I didn't know was what to do with my transfer. The really bad thing, there were people behind me and on the bus and the bus driver wasn't much help. I handed him my transfer and stood there waiting to see if he said it was valid or not, he said nothing and just looked at it, which made me think it wasn't valid anymore (maybe if you weren't a few minutes late it wouldn't have been invalid) but he didn't say anything so after a few seconds I left and went to find my way to a forward facing seat, near the back where I could see my stop coming, knowing when to pull the cord, properly positioning myself before the rear door and as my stop came, I pushed the yellow bars and I was free once again.
Now I don't like to toot my own horn but I think I got this bus riding thing down. I learned a lot on my way there but observing what others did, on the way back as well. I still LOVE the luxury of our car and will still use it as much as I can, but if I had to take the bus once or twice more, I think I'd survive, that is, assuming I don't need to transfer to another bus to get where I need to go. That would be a disaster! One bus I can handle, one route I can handle....short trip, it's doable, not while pregnant but in the meantime. I won't say the bus and I will become great friends anytime soon but at least we are no longer enemies.
Stay tuned for tomorrows adventure....attempting my first BBQ on a charcoal grill...this should make for another great story! (and if I don't post it's because I lit myself on fire)
Can someone please tell me how it is already May 14th? Where did January, February, March and April go? Grief does a number on ones perspective about time. I was thinking about that today on my way to the store. It is such a beautiful day out, the sun is shinning and it's warm but cool. It's my favoruite kind of weather. I was walking along thinking how it can already be May 14th. I swear it was only yesterday that Jacob was here yet it's been 8 1/2 months. The last 8 1/2 months I have bee a zombie. I have not been alive. I mean in a physical sense I have been breathing and alive but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I have not been. The months have passed by with nothing of importance happening. I can't remember much and it's probably because nothing really happened the last 8 1/2 months. Jacob has been gone almost as long as we had him. Actually it would be, he was born at 36 1/2 weeks. That's almost 8 1/2 months.
Anyways, as I was walking I felt guilty for not living the last 8 1/2 months. I have been blessed with waking up everyday and continuing to be relatively okay but I did not take advantage of each day. I don't want the months and days to just pass by anymore, I want to live them. I want to live each day like it is my last (it was one of my excuses for getting a small bag of ketchup chips today)
While we were pregnant with Jacob I didn't want to go anywhere. We rarely left London. I think the only trip out of London we made was heading to the beach once or twice. Other than that we stayed put. We didn't even do much around London though we did try to get out and let him experience as much as he could in utero. I was hopeful that if I was careful, if we didn't do anything or go anywhere that he would be safer. It did not turn out as expected. All of my hermit crabness did nothing to keep him alive, the whole purpose of not doing anything was to make sure he was safe and okay and look where that got us. We still lost him! With Jacob we did everything around the pregnancy, all the plans we made and places we went were around being pregnant. I decided I do not want to live like that. It did us no good last time and got us no where better.
I mentioned to Stephen the other day that whenever we get pregnant we will not stop living. We will continue on like it's our last few days of life. Given, we won't go crazy and do anything that could harm the pregnancy, I just mean we won't sit at home for months. We will get out and hike, we will get out and camp (even if it has to be in a yurt) we will go for day trips all around Southern Ontario. We won't be too crazy though, I still have a huge attachment to being at home and going away for more than a night will probably not happen. But, there is a lot we can see and do in a two day trip. Even if we are pregnant, even if I feel like 10 bags of crap like I did with Ty. I refuse to let time pass by, I want to live. I'll save the letting time pass by for the last few weeks when I really will not be going anywhere!
I won't let the next pregnancy (if we're blessed to ever get there) affect how we live. We didn't with Ty and we lost him so we changed for Jacob but we still lost him as well so back we go to living and not just living to be pregnant but living to live. To live and see the beauty of the world, to appreciate beautiful days like today. To live and enjoy the smell of sunscreen, fresh mulch, fresh spring rain, freshly baked bread and laundry (3 of which I smelled on my walk today)
It may already be May 14th but from now on my goal is to try and live. We have a lot of plans for this summer and fall, a lot of places to visit and I will not let a pregnancy re-schedule any of those (of course if I need to go on bed rest again I will, but if not, we will be living)
The worst day of the year, the day where you are constantly reminded of what should be instead of what is. I can remember this being the hardest day after loosing Ty, even though I was pregnant with Jacob. The last two mothers days I have been a mother, carrying life inside me and today those two little lives are in Heaven and my womb is empty. It's not the same when you have no earthly children. No one today would have guessed that I am a mother. I wasn't surprised with breakfast in bed with a toddler and baby needing to be changed and fed. I wasn't pulling my hair out from being exhausted nor was I craving time alone to myself. I don't understand the mothers who, on mothers day, want a day to themselves, a day away from their children. I get that children are a lot of work and a day to yourself would be nice but do that on your birthday. You are celebrating Mother's Day simply because you are a mother, that means you have children. Surround yourself with your children don't spend the day away from them. Be thankful you get to hug and kiss your children and say goodnight to them.
I always dread this day but it wasn't as bad, perhaps because I am a pro at it. I'm use to putting on the fake smile and pretending like everything is okay or maybe my boys are giving me extra strength to get through the day. I haven't cried though there have been many times where I start to get teary eyed. It's just been a blah day. Our plan was to wake up at 8 and head to Cora's, thinking that early it wouldn't be as busy. I guess my body decided it needed sleep instead (I got over 13 hours of sleep) and we didn't wake up until 10...opps. I still wanted breakfast so we decided to head to Denny's, thinking it was out of the way so it wouldn't be as busy...HA. It was busy and filled with moms and moms to be but it didn't take that long. I had no idea what I wanted so I ended up getting a BLT with fries and gravy (Canadian thing) It was REALLY good and I got my new favourite drink. A lot of restaurants are coming out with summer drinks and so far three places we have been have a strawberry/mango puree mixed with lemonade....OMG it is sooo good! I'm already addicted to these. It kind of reminds me of Ty because I craved very very sour things with him. I could never find anything sour enough but war heads did some close.
After breakfast we stopped in at the walk in clinic for a quick visit (can thank a UTI for that) but they didn't find anything right away so until the culture is done lots of pain for me. I also picked up some straight cranberry juice since it is suppose to help but WOW that stuff is TART! I'll still make myself drink it though to help and wait to hear what the doctor says. We actually found a really good walk in clinic that is close to us so that was the plus for the day.
Headed to Remark afterwords and got myself a Mother's Day dinner which consists of Pizza, Black Cherry Soda and Rice Pudding. I told Stephen he is lucky. I did not require much today. I told him I just wanted a card and a back massage. I did thank him for working very hard so I could afford to buy myself the few gifts I did. I bought the earrings (and received the matching necklace as another gift) a forget me not bracelet that has real forget me not seeds in them (and a little feather to match my earrings and necklace) a pair of Queasy Beads since having had the boys I am in a constant state of barfness and don't feel like wearing the ugly grey bands all the time, my yellow purse, my yellow dress and my black flower flip flops. All in all I'd say Stephen did a great job earning the money so I could buy myself a few things!
Went to see the boys afterwords and dropped of their new garden statue, had some new flowers from Gracie's parents....came home and relaxed. Not much happening tonight, relaxing, taking it easy, drinking a lot of cranberry juice and trying to stay ahead of the battle with the ants. We had this problem last year too and the hubby refuses to let me kill them, well ants are a bit more difficult to control then mice (and don't tell him, last year I had to kill quite a few because there were wayyyy tooo many) this year I hope by spraying deterrents where they are coming in, it'll cut down on the having to squish them.
So today was not nearly as bad as I thought, I do believe there comes a point in ones grief where you have simply cried so much you have no tears left. I think today I hit that mark......
Today was a day of a few more steps. I have been needing to go to Port Huron to return some things to Kohls and the hubs and I both had a hankering for Olive Garden. We have been out of London once since Jacob passed (8 months) so it was a big step to be leaving even if only for 5 hours. Stephen went for a run this morning and I got ready. I felt okay in the morning, I felt okay when he got home, I was eager to go. I felt okay until we hit Komoka. Stephen decided to get lunch at Subway so I had to drive to Port Huron. This may not seem like much to anyone else, nor would it have been for my old self (I made the 4 hour drive between BC and LO once a month for many years) but it was today. I barely drive around London anymore, it scares me too much. Getting on the highway, I haven't done that since before we lost Ty, I just do not do it so I was terrified to drive today.
Side story - In April of 2010 Stephen, my self, Ty in utero, Milo and Charlie all packed into blue Bertha and headed down to BC to visit my parents. Half way through our trip we almost died and we actually almost did die. Stephen noticed the car was starting to pull and we deduced it was not the wind. He was loosing total control of the car so before we crashed we pulled over and as we did we could see smoke coming from the back of the car, there was a small fire. Our whole back end melted together. Had he driven any further he would have lost complete control of the car and we would have run off the road and crashed. This experience has caused permanent anxiety when it comes to driving on the highway. So I just do not drive on the highway but today I had too.
I guess that step did need to be taken. I do plan on taking some girl shopping trips to the US with some baby loss mamas and I'll be the one driving. Anyways, as soon as I hit the highway the anxiety started. I got sweaty hands and my heart started to race but I kept on going. I considered asking Stephen if once he was done we could pull over and switch but I knew that would accomplish nothing. I had to drive on. We talked a lot but that didn't quell much of the anxiety, however, before I knew it we were at the border and I started to settle back down a bit until we got up to the border guard (that ALWAYS makes me a bit anxious) and on we were to lunch.
Olive garden was good, we both had soup, salad and breadsticks and Strawberry Mango Lemonade. We headed to Kohl's afterwords and normally I would have loved that but I was anxious the whole time. I just didn't really want to be there. We picked up a few things (and SHOCKER ALERT, I , Jessica Nelles....bought a dress...I know hold your breath.....) and I bought myself a mothers day present of a new yellow purse. We headed to Hobby Lobby afterwords and again, felt the anxiety. I did find a few things at Hobby Lobby for the boys though. I bought them both a shadow box for their baptism items. I was looking for some sun things for Jacob but it is very hard to find anything with a sun on it. I did get a little blue box to put his hair clippings in.
We were on our way home 3 hours after being there and I felt much better on our way home, the anxiety lessened as we got closer to home. BUT....I survived, I survived driving, I did it and came out okay. I also now have a pretty new yellow dress and a purse (my boys have made me become more girly, it's not a bad thing I guess) and more things for my boys!
Now to deal with tomorrow....just going to try to treat it like a normal day.
I wasn't going to post today, not much has happened lately, no news to talk about but after what I just received in the mail I had to share. I am covered in goose bumps it is so amazing!
The picture below and the story of it. A few weeks ago I visited Earth Angels (a store close to where we live that has angel things in it) I was shopping for a gift for a fellow baby loss mama and while I was there I happened to shop a little for myself as well. I had been looking for some more jewelry (necklace and earrings) to subtly represent Ty and Jacob. I haven't had much luck other then special ordering a few things from baby loss websites. While I was there I noticed these gorgeous pair of earrings, I wanted something beautiful for my boys but not so out there that they were...well, not so subtle. These were perfect, I saw them and I knew I had to have them. Being a little OCD I like to have matching sets so I asked about a necklace. She didn't have the matching necklace or anything similar to it, there were no angel wing necklaces. I decided I still had to get the earrings they were too perfect. So I went on my way, happy I found the perfect earrings and excited to mail off my little gift to my exchange mama.
A couple of weeks went by and my baby loss mama I did the exchange with sent me a message to let me know she had sent out my package. I had no idea what to expect. I have been in exchanges before and have not had good experiences (twice now where I signed up for an exchange but I never got anything on return, I don't really care about getting something in return but a thank you would be nice) Anyways, I love knowing I have mail coming, it gives me something to look forward to. I walked down to the mailbox today and saw my package, I was a tad excited!!!
I came up and opened it right away....In it was a beautiful poem and flower, written and taken by my exchange mama. She also makes little angle ornaments and had sent two for the boys. There was also a pretty wrapped little package that took me awhile to open up...okay before I go any further I have to tell you the e-mail she sent me. This was the message she sent when she mailed my package:
"Just wanted to let you know that I sent your package today. It should be there in the next couple days. I really hope you like it. This might sound weird, but I really I feel like your sweet angels were with me when I was working on the one item... I had been humming and hawwing over what to do for you... and as I sat at my parents house (I was visiting) and it was quiet was when I came to me (the poem... the picture is mine as well... from a couple years ago) And then later that day I was shopping with a friend and I came across the small gift and knew it would be perfect. I'm hoping the idea of that doesn't weird you out at all... but I truly feel that you wee ones were with me helping me out."
It doesn't weird me out at all that others feel Ty and Jacob's presence, in fact I love hearing about it! But truly...I know they were with her that day because when I opened the last package it was the necklace that matched my earrings that I had wanted but the store didn't have. Out of every single gift that could have come my way, it was the matching necklace. I know that is no coincidence! It gave me goosebumps....I know my boys were there with her picking out the perfect gift for me.....I'm shivering it's still so amazing. I have been asking the boys to send some signs and wow, this was a pretty big one! I cannot deny that they are all around, not only me but others in my life. It has inspired new hope in me so thank you Ty and Jacob and thank you exchange mama.
On any given day at any given time you may find me saying some rather silly things. One of my favourite and I'm sure this got me a look from Stephen of "I really married that girl" was while I was making a chicken roast one time. I had bought a raw whole chicken, celery, carrots, potatoes, everything you need to make a roast. I put the raw chicken in the pan and proceed to cut the veggies and put them in the pan as well. After I was done I was confused so I asked Stephen "Is it okay that the veggies are touching the raw chicken or will it contaminate them"? Please note that I planned on putting everything in the oven to cook.....I was met with the response of "well isn't the chicken raw at some point too" DUH!
Another classic was one time while we were at our Bereaved Families group, this was before I was really into church. We were sitting down talking to our group leader C about Easter. Stephen had decided to give up candy for Lent, which he does and fails at every year....maybe next year right hun? Anyways we were talking about Easter and Lent and I said it was very unfair for them to have Easter right in the middle of Lent because with Easter there is so much candy and so many people give it up and that's just rude to tease like that....Opps. I have now learned that Easter is at the end of Lent so it all makes sense.
This is why I cannot be held responsible for anything! I do not feel comfortable being in charge of anything especially big important things. My mind is foggy most days, though I must say within the last month it has greatly improved. I think it is getting back to being the brilliant mind it use to. I'm teaching myself new things all the time and remembering things now (without the aide of sticky notes) It's a huge accomplishment. This is all very good because I am starting to get some serious cabin fever and want to get back out into the world. I'm sure once I am there I'll want go come back but maybe I won't. The house is in tip top shape, everything is where it is suppose to be. I keep up with the dishes daily and sew but other than that I have a lot of free time on my hands.
So I think I am nearing a return to the real world...plus I need to....not having benefits is kicking my butt! I went to pick up some medication today and it's $2 a pill....I had to get 84 pills (and will need another 84 eventually) there is also no generic brand (like Stephen's medication, there was no generic brand) and according to the Ontario government, it is not classified as a needed drug so the cost is pretty high. Stephen and I are at that strange point in life where we make just a smiggin too much to get any help from the government but we don't make enough to pay for most things. We refuse to give up and just use the system like so many people, that's not how we are. We strive to do the best we can. We know Stephen will be with the company he is currently with until September. We do not know what will happen after that but the blessing being that he has way more than enough EI hours to cover it if he needs it for another 39 weeks. I will be returning to work at some point (not that I am ready or willing but it will probably be sooner rather than later) and hope by then we can start getting back on our feet. Until then I can just be thankful we have had a bit of help making it month to month!
You know a lot of people tell you that your grief eventually gets easier to live with, that with time things will get better. I don't know what happy pills those people are taking but I want some! I do not believe this one bit. It has been 8 months since we lost Jacob and 19 since we lost Ty and things are continually getting harder. I seem to be struggling more and more and my pain is getting worse. Things keep going downhill. They have gotten far worse than they were.....I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can barely hold on to what little hope there is left. Maybe those people were talking about years, perhaps they didn't mean months. I can only pray that they do mean years and that even though I don't see it there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
This is the quilt I have been working on. It is the first quilt I have ever made and I'm pretty proud that it turned out so well. There are a few unnoticeable minor imperfections but they don't alter the quality of the quilt. I cut the squares myself (no fancy mat or cutters just me and a pair of scissors) and hand sewed parts of it because I was not willing to run it through the machine and ruin it.
These other pictures are of the nursery with the quilt, mobile and blanket (on the chair) that I made.
The glider is almost done, I just need to borrow a staple gun to finish the ottoman part.
I woke up, we all woke up. I say "woke up" very suggestively because I don't actually know if any of us were asleep. We got up, I know I showered as I rarely leave the house without showering. I can't remember if we ate breakfast or not, I'm sure most of us didn't. Maybe a bagel that we tried to choke down. We piled into my parents car and we were off to St. Joe's. We had to head to St. Joes because they had not moved the High Risk OB clinic over to Victoria yet. We arrived and checked in with the fetal development clinic. Stephen and I went into the initial meeting by ourselves. We sat in the room waiting, wondering for about 20 minutes. A nurse came in and explained what would be going on that day (we were previously informed that it would be a day long appointment) she told us what doctors we would be meeting, where we were to go after the check in, how long we could expect to wait and handed us a pager. They give you a pager so you don't have to sit in the office and wait but rather could walk around the hospital. After we checked in we headed to radiology. Like always, I was brought in by myself at first. That was the worst part ever. The nurse asked me why I was there and I tried to explain the little that I knew. She brought in the head radiologist (as they always do for FDC) and listening to them talk I knew the news was not good. There was little hope. Once they got all their measurements they brought Stephen, my mom and dad in. The radiologist then showed us what was going on.
He explained that Jacob actually did not have any kidneys and there was no fluid (different from what we were told the day before) he showed us where his kidneys should have been. In normal kidneys you have a Y shape (blood flow from veins) that splits into the different kidneys. Jacob did not have this. He had nothing, his line was straight, no Y. There were no kidneys and no blood flow to anything that could be a kidney. They searched everywhere to see if his kidney was in a different place (that sometimes does happen) and looked for every possible sign that there was something. There was nothing. The radiologist confirmed our worst fear. Our little boy was not okay (well at the time they still thought he was a little girl) We asked that day if they were knowledgeable of the gender and they said it looked like a female. At that point we knew what was going on and we knew Jacob could not survive without kidneys. We all stared at the screen with tears in our eyes, looking for hope, just like we looked for hope when we stared at the screen after Ty had passed praying we would see his heart beat. There was nothing. We knew what that meant but our day had only just begun. After we met with the radiologist we were suppose to go back, check in and wait for the meeting. We were told it would be a few hours so we went to try and eat something. I think I got some crackers, I was so nauseous I didn't feel like eating. I also got a ginger ale to help with the sick feeling. I don't think anyone else at much either. We sat silently around the table with tears falling down our face. We all tried so hard not to loose it but it was just too much. I remember starting to sob as I sat there. I didn't care what the people around me thought. I'm sure it has happened many times. People die in hospitals, it happens. It was taking awhile for our meeting to begin so we checked back in and learned that the doctors were all late getting to their pre-meeting appointment. They all sit down and go over the cases before they can meet with families.
We walked around the hospital for a few hours. At some point my mom and dad just sat in the waiting room. Stephen and I wondered around, we went to the chapel, we sat in some kind of lecture room, we stood in the hallway that faces Richmond, I can't drive pass there without being brought back to that day. We cried, I cried, I sobbed, I broke down so many times. Stephen held me and tried to be strong for me but his silent tears let me know he was broken in side as well. After all we had been through we had to do it again expect this time we knew, we had time to prepare.
It was mid afternoon, we had been at the hospital for about 6 hours by the time we were finally called into the meeting. The 4 of us went into that room knowing what was about to happen. We sat down and tried to listen to what the doctors were saying through our tears. There was about 6 doctors in the room, a NICU doctor, our soon to be High Risk doctor and some other people, med students and whatnot. They then proceeded to tell us that Jacob had a fatal pre-natal diagnosis of Bi-Lateral Renal Agenisis. He did not have kidneys, he was "incompatible with life".
Those three words brought us crashing down again. I don't remember much of what was said other than he would not make it. We asked about kidney transplants and all of that but we were told if there was no blood flow going to where kidneys should be, they couldn't do anything. We asked how long he would be with us. They said he could be stillborn any day due to the low fluid. We asked if it was a risk to my life, there was none. We asked if we could donate organs and tissues and anything else that we could to help save other babies, we were told no. We asked what to expect with the pregnancy as it progressed, they told us a small baby, not many movements, physical features would be altered. We were told that we could terminate, we said No, there was no way we were going to terminate. They didn't seem to understand but we didn't care. I know a million other things were asked and a million other things were talked about but I don't remember any of it. We were exhausted. In a matter of 24 hours we learned the fate of our rainbow baby and that was, he was not a rainbow for he would be another angel.
8 hours after we walked into the hospital, we walked out. We were all exhausted, no sleep a long day and thousands of tears later we knew. We had no more joy, no more excitement, we didn't care about the gender of our child anymore. All we cared about was looking forward to spending the next 18ish weeks getting to know our baby as much as we could. We were going to give him every possible chance at life. We would not give up, we would fight for him and he would fight for us.
One year ago today began the journey of Jacob. This blog came into existence to keep family and friends up dated on our journey. Stephen and I both made the decision to leave work and do everything we possibly could. Need I mention one year ago today in two weeks we were planning on getting married had that to think about. Two weeks before we became & we were told our second baby would not come home. It was tough. I put myself on bed rest and despite the doctors telling me no amount of water that I drank could do anything I made sure to get a gallon a day. I drank a gallon of water a day from May 3rd until the day Jacob was born and I do believe it did help him.
Our journey with Jacob began one year ago today, the fate of his little but very precious life took a turn for the worst. As many of you know the last year has been an emotional roller coaster. We had so many wonderful opportunities with Jacob. He got to meet Chef Michael Smith, go to a Blue Jays game, attend his Mommy and Daddy's wedding, attend his Aunt Jenn's wedding, we went to watch curling, we got to see Josh Groban in concert, we went to the beach and he got to swim in Lake Erie, he got to experience different foods at the many different cultural fairs throughout the summer, he got to listen to fire works, he got to feel love and lots of it. We reached out to an organization called Sustaining Grace and thanks to them we got to see Jacob in 3D, a video and pictures I cherish. We recorded his heartbeat, took every picture we possible could and tried to prepare for the inevitable. We reserved the plot beside Ty because we knew they had to be together and we couldn't risk another baby going in there.
At our 25 week check up things started to turn around, our little miracle baby we had been praying to heal grew kidneys. The doctors were flabbergasted at this. Never had they seen or heard of a baby developing kidneys late. It just hasn't happened, at least not that they knew of. We started to have hope but were warned that his lungs may have suffered too much to sustain his little life. Fluid started to re-accumulate (I know this was thanks to the gallons of water I drank) he was growing, he was moving, he was defying all odds and proving the doctors wrong. It was also discovered that he was a he (by Stephen and I, not by a doctor) we held on, he held on, We fought, he fought and in the end we are so thankful for the 36 1/2 weeks and 2 1/2 days we got to spend with him.
One year ago today......our sweet baby boy Jacob became an inspiration. It has been a wild year but we would not have done it any differently.
Jacob, I know Ty welcomed you into Heaven with open arms, I have no doubt he was there in the hospital room that day showing you how to get to the greatest place in existence. We are so thankful you fought so hard, that you proved doctors wrong, you showed them not to give up in babies, give them time and you may see true miracles. One year ago we learned you would be joining Ty in Heaven but we are so grateful we had some time with you before you joined him. You also gave us the blessing on an amazing High Risk OB who walked the journey with us, listening to us, spending time with us, doing what we asked, reassuring that we did everything we possibly could. A doctor who will be with us on the next journey of life and one we are so thankful to have. Though I struggle to understand why and how (we couldn't even be given a statistic because what happened to you was so rare miracle baby) and days are really hard lately, one year ago today I felt you move for the first time, something I was told you would never do.
A lot can happen in one year, in that one year we created so many memories and did everything we possibly could think of to prepare though you can never prepare for the death of your child, but we had a lot of regrets after we lost Ty and we were determined not to have any with Jacob (though there are still a few) It has been a year, a long, hard, emotional, exhausting year but in that year we got to enjoy a miracle, a gift from God that we were so thankful to have and to hold. I can only imagine what the next year might bring. What will I be writing in May 2013? Probably nothing as the world is suppose to end this December but if the Mayans were wrong, I hope to be writing about the little life I will be holding in my arms. The little life Jacob and Ty protected during the long journey of pregnancy, the life Jacob, Ty and God gave to us, our rainbow after the storm. I do not know what the next year holds but to whatever it may be, I pray that it will be peaceful and soulful.
Stephen and I woke up in a relatively happy mood. We were almost 18 weeks pregnant with our Sweet Pea (Benjamin if it was a Boy, Sophia if it was a girl). I had taken the day off of work to enjoy the day. My plan was to go to our ultrasound, find out what we were having and then head out shopping! The day did not go as planned. We were excited, hopeful and thrilled around 9am. We wanted to know if our suspicions of our second baby being a girl were right. I don't remember much before the ultrasound, just that I was excited and oblivious to knowing that our world would come crashing down again. We headed to the hospital having last seen our little Sweet Pea at 14 weeks. We got a quick peek at 14 weeks because our little Sweet Pea decided to turn away from the Doppler and give us a heart attack by having our doctor not be able to find the little heart beat so we had a quick trip down to radiology. Of course I was a blubbering mess heading down, not knowing if our baby had already passed or not. By 14 weeks our doctor should have been able to pick up the heartbeat (we did at 10) so of course Stephen and I had the fear that our baby was gone. Thankfully and quite quickly after I got into the room we were relived to know that our Sweet Pea was perfectly fine. It was the last time we were told our baby looked good. There was no indication that anything was wrong.
Almost 18 weeks, everyone was anxiously awaiting to hear what we were having. Grandparents were waiting for the phone call (and I'm sure my mom's day involved going out shopping for whatever gender it was too) we were all so blissfully unaware of what was to come. We arrived at the hospital and headed to the main radiology as the women's radiology was being moved to it's new location. We were in the basement of the hospital, section D. I can picture that place so well, I spent many times down there, most during very difficult times. Like all ultrasounds they require the partner to wait out side until they have all their measurements. Having had quite a few ultrasounds I know how long they should approximately take. It was taking a while but I thought maybe the ultrasound tech was a newbie and needed more time. She didn't say anything or act like anything was wrong (I'd loose it if I knew something was up, how she kept her act together, wow!) She told me she had to go check her pictures and left. She didn't ask me for my husbands name, she didn't say she was going to bring him in. I thought maybe she would come back and ask but I started to get nervous. It took her a while and I knew something was going on, I wasn't sure what but there was something. She came back into the room about 15 minutes later and said that we were to go up and see Dr. K right away. In my heart at that moment I knew, I knew our little Sweet Pea had issues. What those issues were I wasn't sure but I knew they were severe. I left the ultrasound room crying my eyes out only to come out into the waiting room full of pregnant women and my husband. He had no idea what was going on but I can only imagine what was going through his head when I came out sobbing, telling him we had to go see Dr. K right away.
I lost it, in his arms I lost it. I just knew something was seriously wrong, that our baby has issues. I prayed that it would be something like downs syndrome or some other kind of medical diagnosis that we would be able to handle. Sure, it would be a lot of preparation but we were ready. But deep down I knew it wasn't. We walked the hospital halls as we have many times in the last 18 months. We headed up to where the old women's health center was (they were in the middle of moving it so it was really just our Dr's office left) we met her and sat down. That is when we learned the fate of our Sweet Pea.
She explained to us that the babies kidneys were very small and the amniotic fluid amount was severely low. She didn't give us a detailed diagnosis because she didn't know. All she said was she was very sorry and that she was sorry she had to give us the bad news. After all we had been through, she was sorry we had to go through it again. We were told that an appointment had been made for us on May 3rd (the next day) for a fetal development clinic. We had no idea what that was but were told they would be able to give us a better answer, more details on what was going on. The only question we asked was what the gender was. We were told a girl, though at that moment I knew we couldn't use Sophia, this was a special little girl who deserved a very special name. We left in more tears and more heartbreak. We had only walked in about two hours earlier so happy and so excited and left once again with a broken heart and tearful eyes. We headed home.
I don't even remember how I was able to make the phone call to my parents but I did. I called and told them we needed them there for Tuesdays appointment and of course I knew they would be. My mom called my dad at worked they packed and were on their way. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that 4 hour car ride must have been for them. It had only been 7 months since we buried Ty and now their second grandchild was at risk. They had no idea what was going on either. We had no information other than it did not look good. We weren't sure if that meant a few weeks or a few months or a baby born with severe health issues (which we would have welcomed at that point) We got home and for hours upon hours I researched everything I possibly could about small kidneys and low fluid. The news did not look great. I learned all about kidney disease, horseshoe kidneys, people with on kidney, people with no kidneys, kidney dialysis, lung growth, lung function, respiratory issues......everything, I read it all. I was exhausted emotionally and physically.
My parents arrived that night and stayed with us. There was a very somber feeling in the house. No one talked too much, we were all too busy researching everything we could, mainly to form questions for the doctors we were to see on Tuesday. I called work and let them know I would not be in until further notice. I didn't know what we were getting into. I don't think the 4 of us slept a wink that night. It had been such a long day, a day that started out so wonderfully with excitement and joy and hope. A day that ended with tragedy, heartbreak and enough tears to fill an ocean. It was one year ago today that we knew our rainbow baby would not be coming home with us. We didn't know how long his stay would be or if we'd even get to meet him alive, hear him cry, touch his soft baby skin, give him kisses and sing his song to him (You Are My Sunshine) We prayed that we would get a bit of time with him, we prayed for God to heal him. We laid in bed wide awake all night thinking about the day to come. The day that would give us all the information we needed to know. We already knew early delivery was not an option for us. Based on our faith and just the fact that I loved my baby and feeling his sweet little kicks, hearing his sweet little heartbeat, I needed to hold onto that for as long as I could. Having just buried Ty we knew the value of 9 months. We were determined to give our Sweet Pea every possible chance we could. We would fight for him and he would fight for us (though at this point we still thought he was a she) That night was spent contemplating every possible thing that may have been coming our way the next day. There were many tears, much heartache and quietness.
A year ago today was the day our world came crashing down for a second time. A year ago tomorrow was the day we heard those dreaded words "incompatible with life"......to be continued tomorrow.