I woke up thinking about something I said to my husband yesterday. We were in the car talking about loosing weight after Matea is born. After we lost Ty the weight came off pretty easily. Of the 30lbs I gained I lost 21 in 2 1/2 months and only had 9 left go to when we found out we were pregnant again. Anyways, we were talking about how I have every intention to loose both Ty and Tea weight but I said I probably would never be as small as I was before because I am the mother of two, I have birthed (or will have birthed) two children and that really felt strange for me to say. Yes I have birthed two children but what do I have to show for it but a broken heart full of immense love for them? Some stretch marks, varicose veins, a few more pounds then I had before, pictures of me with a large belly? No one out in public will know that I am a mother and I'm sure people we tell that we just got married will ask "so planning kids anytime soon" how do you tell people you have two but their in Heaven? In one sense I feel like a mother because I am still very protective over what I do have left of my children but I don't physically have children with me so am I truly a "mother" I looked on dictionary.com to see what the definition of a mother was, here's what I found:
1. a female parent. 2. ( often initial capital letter ) one's female parent. 3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother. 4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent. 5. a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman. 6. mother superior. 7. a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone. 8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself. 9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source. 10. (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made.
11. being a mother: a mother bird. 12. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love. 13. derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture. EXPAND14. bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals. COLLAPSE–verb (used with object) 15. to be the mother of; give origin or rise to. 16. to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own. 17. to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward. –verb (used without object) 18. to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother.
I guess in some sense I do fit some of the definitions but I'm not a parent, or I don't feel like one. If I was a "parent" I would be parenting a child which I am not. So I am a mother but I am not a parent...yet. It's a very strange thought and feeling to be caught in the middle. I wish more then anything I was a mother AND a parent.
My husband was asking me yesterday how I would feel if Matea lived and was really a girl. He knows I really wanted a boy first, I wanted mommies little boy...and we lost him and my husband thought I may be jealous if our little girl lived because we lost our little boy. I sometimes do not understand his questions but I don't need too, he obviously has reason for asking them and is curious, maybe he himself has some feelings towards a subject like that. I told him I would be elated if Matea lived, I would praise the Lord and bring others to him, I would dance every day in the rain, I would sing at the top of my lungs about how much I love my little girl. I would be perfectly content if Matea lives. Boy or girl does not matter, I know we will eventually have one of each anyways (well ones that are here on earth with us) so it wouldn't bother me at all. I just want a living breathing healthy baby to bring home. He often asks how I will feel if Matea lives....obviously I would be happy but I do think there would be some mixed emotions in there, from not that experience bringing Ty home and the fact that we packed away all our baby things and un-childproofed our house...the first few days would be crazy. However, at this point if she does live I am guessing she would be spending some time in the NICU, I wouldn't leave her side, they'd have to pull up a bed for me and my husband we'd be there all the time but we have great support that would help us prepare. My husband and I deal well with things being thrown at us out of the blue, we take the positives we can and live based on that. If Matea lived it would be an extremely positive thing and we would be head over heels.
But if she doesn't we are also preparing for that. We have all the hospital bags packed, I have a few more things to add to mine but for the most part they are ready to go in case she wants to make her arrival soon. I did end up packing a few baby blankets, some wipes, a pacifier and diapers just in case things change last minute. I guess you can say it's part of my hopefulness that something will change. Maybe buying the clothes yesterday was the same thing. We did put all the baby stuff away but I don't want to completely give up, I want to carry some hope, it's all we have right now. Maybe it's also my motherly instincts, I've been nesting like crazy since we first found out we were expecting. I just pray it is all worth it in the end, to have those few moments with her crying and opening her eyes, or a lifetime because she would be born and pee all over the doctor which would mean a working kidney. I think today I need to re-read the stories of those miracle babies who lived despite all odds. It gives me more hope.
On a side note, we did find out that the social worker we have been working with, the same one after we lost Ty also works as a private practitioner for adoptions outside of the hospital. I am very thankful it turned out to be her. It will help us a lot that we know her and she knows us. But all of that is still up in the air and nothing will even be talked about until next year. Our time right now is with Matea and focusing on our grief for Ty. It is about our children right now. I just pray God gives us a miracle so we don't even have to talk about what to do next. It's already Thursday, 5 more days.....I am so incredibly nervous. We don't have much planned so I know the next few days will go by slowly and the lack of sleep is not helping. Oh well, she is more then worth it.
Speaking of being more then worth it, someone had asked me if all the pregnancy side effects were worth it since we were going to loose our baby anyways. Umm...sorry this is a pretty obvious answer to me but HELLO, of course they are!!!! I guess people who wouldn't themselves carry on or don't understand it (which is fine but just keep your negative opinions to yourself) don't see why I would put myself through some of the painful side effects. To be honest Matea has been a breeze compared to Ty, I actually am in love with being pregnant this time. Besides my itchy stretch marks, gallbladder pain and problems and just being sore and tired I feel pretty great physically (emotionally is another story) but yes I will happily go through all of that to give my little girl the best chance I can give her. God blessed me with her and I intend on taking care of her as best I can and will go through hell to see to it that her mission in life is fulfilled.
Matea is starving so I must go feed her...now the question is what does she want. She seems to love carrot cake but you can't make that for breakfast. Maybe pancakes with homemade fruit topping, or a bagel with egg and cheese, perhaps some french toast, maybe even a smoothie.....I do know it is chicken taco night...mmm.....
On this day of your life, Jessica, we believe God wants you to know ... that you deserve happiness just because. There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy. I'd have to say it is pretty hard to be happy given our situation, positive yes but happy, that's a tough one. I am happy and thankful she is still alive and kicking around like crazy but true happiness would only come with a miracle, in regards to her, there are many other things in life I am happy about. Sounds like a blog topic for tomorrow!
I checked my Bella B cream status today and it said shipped, thank the lord it is on it's way! I don't think I can take many more days with this itchy belly. I probably should have the Dr. look at it next time, I do think its only stretch marks but they are bumpy and in one spot so just to be sure. The Belly B cream really works for relieving the itch so now I just have to wait 2-6 days. In the meantime, try not to itch and make it worse and try to find some relief with something.
I went out today, I decided I didn't like the outfit for Matea I got so I had to go get a different one. I went to the north end Bonnie Togs first and found two really cute outfits and my husband was with me so it was a quick visit in and out and bought only what I needed. We then came home, I dropped him off and I headed to the south end Bonnie Togs....not going to lie, I did buy a few things but when Osh Kosh (which is a good sturdy brand) is on sale for $2.99 for shirts and pants how could I not get a few outfits? I bought a few for a girl and a boy and I also bought a coming home girl outfit, praying she gets to wear it. It was hard to be in that store seeing all those cute clothes on sale, I just hope I HAVE to go back and get more clothes because Matea will survive. It didn't make me sad to buy those things knowing I may not need them for a few years, the part that made me sad was when we were in Old Navy and I was near the baby section, that was hard, that mad me angry, it upset me that I would not need to shop there anytime soon. But we made it through and I survived.
We dropped off the last load of items to donate to Goodwill. Three car loads later I can see a bit of space in our shoebox...but it still doesn't feel like we got rid of a lot, maybe because everything we got rid of in storage was replaced with baby furniture and toys we don't need right now. Either way it felt good to get rid of everything. My goal is to have everything cleaned and in order by next Tuesday because I am praying there has been a small change and I am ordered to bed rest in hopes of helping Matea grow.
I also decided today that when people ask me about being pregnant I am going to tell them, I don't want to hide it anymore. I want that joy we had with Ty, even though she will most likely not survive, I still want to share her short happy life with others. I hid it at the beginning because I was so afraid of loosing her, well turns out we are but now I want everyone to know about her, I wish I hadn't hid her in the beginning. So now I will happily tell people about our sweet Matea, when she is due, what she is (or so we think) and anything else that is asked. I think before part of the reason I was afraid to tell anyone was because it may have led to questions about Ty but I am getting more comfortable with telling people...Matea agrees like usual, she is kick kick kicking away. I have also found that she kicks everytime I visit Ty at his grave so I started telling him she is saying Hi. They have such a deep and special bond I will never understand, I just pray Ty is putting in a word with God to let her stay on earth with us. Less then a week away....getting nervous, maybe that's what I feel so sick to my stomach. Sleep is getting harder too, not only is it still physical but emotional now too being less then a week away from an extremely important appointment and a very long but praying for a hopeful day at the hospital....
Here's some pics from today.
Milo giving the baby hospital bags some love before they were filled.
The hopefully coming home outfit, though I'm sure it'll need to be a bigger size, if she is born living she will most likely need to be in the NICU for awhile but it gives me some hope and a focus.
Her new burial outfit.
Girl hospital bag-Soft blanket, the actual bag, a preemie outfit, a burial outfit, a going home outfit, a washcloth, a hooded towel, two bunnies (one for her, one for us) and lots of love.
For both genders- Sweet Pea outfit, christening shoes, bath kit with bath wash, lotion, washcloth and a hair brush.
In case we get a surprise. Boy hospital bag- soft blanket, hospital bag, preemie outfit, burial/going home outfit, hooded towel, washcloth, two teddies (one for him, one for us) and lots of love.
Today was a pretty quiet day. My husband got up early with me (no quiet peaceful morning) and we ran out to do some errands. I dropped him off at the gym and went to visit Ty. I should have brought a chair as I was there for awhile. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt lately with all that we are doing for Matea that Ty didn't get so I felt I needed to apologize to him. I told him we did what we could at the time but it did not make me feel any less guilty. I asked that he forgive me for everything we did and didn't do that we are now getting the chance to do with Tea. I told him I was sorry for not having him in the room with us at all times, that we didn't know we could bathe and dress him, that we didn't spend more time with him or take more pictures. We just didn't know, everything happened so quickly within 24 hours, we just didn't know but that does not lessen my guilt any. I really wish we didn't have the chance to do things differently. I wish we were preparing for Matea's arrival instead. I should be working my last few weeks before time off. We should be washing baby clothes and setting up the nursery. Instead I am having tremendous guilt at the fact that we'll have Tea's handprints and footprints and a lock of hair and we didn't have that with Ty. I still don't feel better after talking to him, maybe if I do it a few more times I'll feel somewhat peaceful. I just hope he knows how much we love him and how much he means to us and how much he is going to make a difference in the lives of other couples who go through a stillbirth at the hospital. Because of him we are making a better program for stillbirths, better memories, better guidance, better support all in memory of him.
After Ty I went on a mission to find Bella B Honey Tummy Cream....no luck. I got a sample in a goodie bag I got and since my stomach has been growing and stretching more it has been incredibly itchy so I thought I'd try the cream. Well it really worked but I am out of my sample so I went looking all over for it and no place carried it. Actually, no one had any stretch mark cream that was anti-itch. When we got home I got online to see if any of the stores around us carried it, nothing, so then I looked to order it online and found it but no one seemed to ship to Canada. Afew hours later I finally found a place that shipped to Canada and free shipping at that! It should be here in 2-6 days thankfully because I need some relief.
I had a hard time when I popped into Babies R Us to see if they had lotion. I so badly wanted to be be buying things for Matea. They had so many cute little girl things, blankets, bibs, crib sets, pictures, clothes...everything. All the pregnant women were so happy in there, then there was me, going on my second full term loss and only looking for something for me because my baby is not expected to live. Needless to say I did not stay long, I popped over to Michaels instead. I bought clay kits for a mold of Tea's hand, foot and my belly button and I plan on making a 3 framed shadow box with each of the clay molds in them, I saw the idea online, quite cute. I also went down the wool isle and fell in love with a very soft, almost chenille like wool that I thought would be perfect for Tea's blanket so I bought some came home and learned how to incorporate another colour into the blanket I was already knitting. It is going to be so cute and so warm and so full of love. I'll post a picture of it as soon as it's done. I better work on it since we do not know when she will arrive.
I decided it was also time to pack my hospital bag, since the babies bags are packed I figured I should do mine so we have everything ready to go for when we need it. It was hard because I had not unpacked it from going to the hospital when we lost Ty and there were some of his things left in it. It's hard to know what else to pack, they suggest comforting things but really, nothing is going to comfort me. Oh well, at least it's packed.
We went to Wal-Mart after running all our other errands and picked up a few butterfly things. Butterflies are our symbol for Ty (and possibly Matea) so I picked up some candle holders and a really cool jar with a fake butterfly in it. You tap the jar and it flutters around like a real butterfly. It looks really cool and our cats aren't sure what to think of it which is quite adorable. It's just a nice reminder that he is always with us.
The hamburger I ate didn't cause me any problems thankfully. So I guess that means I can go back to eating beef...mmmm...steak, corned beef and roasts here I come.
When we finally got home I started knitting and sat and watch the 3D/4D ultrasound video of Matea that we have. I haven't seen it since we got it. It was hard to see her at times but I am getting good at distinguishing things on the ultrasounds. My favourite part is at the end when she is in 2D and you can see her winking and opening her mouth, there is also a point where you can see her give me a good punch. I am so thankful we have it. During the entire ultrasound I kept looking at the black areas on the screen where the tech told us was her stomach and bladder, there were things there. We'll find out more in one week. It is so scary to know in one week we either are given more hope or have more taken away. One week.....I hope this week goes by quickly so we can find out some answers. Siggghhhh.....
Seeiong teas video
Another early morning for me, it's been early mornings for almost two weeks now. The good thing is when I go back to work I won't have to worry about readjusting my schedule since I am up that early anyways but really???? 6:30am when I am already exhausted? Maybe it's because it's so light out at 6:30 now my body clock thinks it's time to get up. I tried the sleeping mask for awhile but found it gave me headaches so back to no sleeping mask but early mornings. The problem with early mornings is I get really tired throughout the day. Around 9 or 10 then again at 1 or 2 then by 5:30-6:00 I am ready for bed. I wish I had more energy. Maybe if I start walking it'll give me some energy but then it causes my hips to hurt, which is another reason I am up so early. By 6 or 7 my hips just cannot take laying down anymore they become so painful. Another good thing about getting up early is I get to enjoy nice quiet mornings to myself. I usually get up do a few dishes, make some breakfast, plan my day out, work on my bags or Ty's scrapbook (which I want to get up to date before Matea arrives so I can start working on hers as well) cuddle with the kitties, write my blog, look up anything I can find on renal agenesis, cuddle with Ty and Tea's teddy bears and some other grieving mother type things as well. Of course I wish I wasn't able to complete any of this because Ty would be up demanding my love and attention which I would give to him in a second. Instead I sit here looking at the only picture we have of him (one of the many regrets I have) imagining what he would have been like at almost 9 months old. Thinking about what is about to happen in almost 9 weeks....loosing our second child and everything that it will bring. Praying that next week by the grace of God there has been a change in Matea's status. Hoping he just let her kidneys grow a little later then usual and that there is enough fluid to help her lungs and get her here so they may try to help her. One week...one week until we have an extremely important appointment. It pretty much will tell us what will happen in 9 weeks, though we know anything can change at anytime, if God wants her to grow kidneys at 34 weeks then he will do so but for the most part we will have a better sense of what is going on and I pray it's starting to turn around. My arms are so empty, my heart is so broken, I have no tears left to cry, I have so much love to give but I only have two teddy bears to give that love too (motherly love, my cats and Stephen get some of it but motherly love is a special kind of love just for children) I am so physically tired, I wish my body would let me sleep in, I need the rest to grieve.
We had another PPCU meeting today to discuss a birth plan and make an appointment with the neonatologist. We want to know exactly what comfort care involves and who from the NICU will be present at the birth. We also wanted to know if we could donate any of her organs or tissues (they said no before but I contacted the place in Ontario that deals with those kinds of donations and they said it was possible to donate valves and such and to check with the neonatologist again) so we want to ask again if Matea can help save any other babies, we would really like that if possible. We didn't have that opportunity with Ty because they didn't know how long he ago he had left us (though everyone agreed it was most likely only a day before we found out) So our meeting...it went well, I always feel a bit better after meeting with the team. We mainly discussed our birth plan and they were impressed at how well organized and detailed it was. Sadly, we only know as much as we do because we lost Ty. We only really talked about the birth plan and went through it and over some things they wanted to clarify. We have our fetal Eco next Tuesday (we will be at the hospital all day, 9-about 4) lots of tests and appointments and we get to see our munchkin twice in one day! We also are setting up a meeting with the neonatologist we saw the day we got the news to go over comfort care and what tests and such will be involved when the baby arrives as well as if they will be in the room to check over Matea to see if they can detect anything as we aren't giving up and know something miraculous could happen last minute. Lots of talking and more planning, appointments next week. We actually have a lot of appointments next week. It will be a very tough and important week for us and Matea. Praying God has started working on our miracle.
Our social worker showed us some pictures of babies born early and with defects, she warned us about how they looked I guess to prepare us but it didn't bother me. My online groups have pictures of their babies up so I knew what to expect, my husband didn't but I did. I love seeing pictures because I know as a mother who lost a child that our babies, regardless or how small or any defects they may have had are perfect. All I see is a loved beautiful baby.
Our social worker also talked to us about sharing our experience with the hospital to help improve the services offered to obstetrical patients who experience loss which I'll be honest, this does excite me. After we lost Ty I had such an urge to do so but we had a heck of a time finding anyone to contact, well today the social worker told us and so we get to write about our experience and talk about it which I LOVE, talk about an opportunity to share my babies with the world! It's especially important to me because having been through loosing Ty and having no emotional needs met at the hospital and now going through this with Tea and having wonderful support there are areas that can and will be improved with our help. They also talked about how poor the memory boxes were and I was like...hummm...we intend to do something about that too through Memory Ty's. We also would love to make it so successful that we would be able to provide 3D/4D ultrasounds to couples carrying to term despite a poor prenatal diagnosis like we had the chance to do. I know it may take a few years but we will do what we can in the meantime. I just want others to have the support and experience we do since a lot of people may not help that so I intend on helping every way I can and I am excited to know who to contact and who we can work with now (our PPCU care team) Maybe this is one of the many reasons Tea was given to us, to bring us together to help others, just like Ty did. I wish it didn't have to be through their deaths but at least I can do something positive about it.
I ate my first hamburger in two years tonight...let's see how the system does. I have been eating small bites the last few weeks so I hope it was enough to build my body up for what I had tonight, it was just a small burger so we'll see how it goes. I may pay for it tomorrow but it has lots of nutrients in it for Tea Bug.
I joined an app on Facebook that has daily messages from God, this is what mine said today....On this day of your life, Jessica, we believe God wants you to know ... that all is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should. I sure hope God means what he says.....I pray next week we find out things are well...
Last night was the first night I have had a dream about actually loosing Tea. All the dreams I had before were of us having a healthy living breathing baby girl but not last night. I didn't physically loose her as I was still pregnant but I was at the hospital going to my high risk appointment and I ran into some of my old OB's nurses and secretaries and they didn't know so I had to tell them we were going to loose her. That was all I remember. I prefer the dreams where she is living of course. I kept having dreams of having a little girl at Christmas time, celebrating her first Christmas. Does this mean there is something in store for my husband and I whether it be Tea or another baby girl comes into our lives somehow? Maybe it's just my heartbreaking urge to be a mother of a child that is living, to hold a baby in my arms and give them our undivided love and attention. Maybe it's just feeding my urge for the need of holding my baby in my arms. Dreams are funny things.
My attempt at a nap yesterday did not go well. I laid down about one because I had eaten lunch at 12 and wanted my food to settle so I wasn't bothered. Well my gallbladder acted up anyways. Then it seemed for some reason on the one day I wanted to nap ALL my neighbours had to cut their lawns at the exact same time and for an hour and a half. I got up to shut the windows and turn on the fan to drown out some of the noise but then I was more awake because I had to get out of bed. So I was trying to fall back asleep and my husband came home. He is relatively quiet when he knows I am trying to take a nap. But still, any little noise was keeping me awake at that point, plus I was getting warm so I took off my pj bottoms and tried to fall back asleep. My husband came in again to tell me he was going to get bread which woke me up a bit and I decided to go to the bathroom since I had a pretty full bladder as I drink a gallon of water a day so of course I'm in the washroom all the time. Well I get back into bed to get all cozy and lay there for awhile and as I am starting to fall back asleep the cats start at it on the bed. Just as I was getting them under control my husband comes home again and I decided a nap was just not meant to be and got up to finish my bags. I made 6 yesterday, now I just have to do the handles. Thankfully, I don't feel as tired today so I don't think I will need to try a nap again. I think Matea was tired too because she wasn't as active as she is known to be. Today she is already kicking up a storm.
Milo, my cat, likes to snuggle in the morning when I get up so I'll sit in the rocking chair and he'll sit on my belly. He starts to purr up a storm and I think Tea loves this because she kicks like crazy, either that or she is wondering what the heck is going on, what all the loud noise is from. I think it's cute that my kitties like to sit on my belly and give her taps of love. Though biting of the belly button can stop at anytime. Both of my cats do that.
Church was quiet this morning. Next week we switch to summer hours which will be fine with me since I am up at 7am anyways. Today was about the story of Abraham and Issac and how you have to trust and have faith in God. I read the story last night so I knew exactly what he was saying today (which is rare) I told God I trust him and have faith in him to guide us and comfort us through this time. I prayed that he would still give us a miracle baby though. It is so hard to hear the prayers of the people and hear our names. It is good we say a few prayers afterwords to give myself time to recompose, I always cry and my nose gets runny then I have to go to the bathroom to catch my breathe, I still wouldn't trade it for anything though. Being there gives me such a sense of peace.
We headed to the International Food Fest afterwords (after we stopped and saw Ty like we do every Sunday) and I got some Vietnamese food which was delicious and my husband got some Indian food (which was also delicious) Tea seemed to enjoy it. Ty went to all the festivals last year and we intend on giving Tea the same experience (she's very excited about Rib Fest). Ty also got to go to a concert (Dave Matthews) and on July 19th Tea will be listening to Josh Groban in concert. I know I am going to be a balling mess at his concert but his songs mean so much to me. They connect me with my children in Heaven. Ty's song is "Where You Are" by Josh Groban and I can't listen to it much or I'll break down but the words say and mean so much to me. I know Ty is still here with us in spirit, he gives us signs all the time. I do worry about how we will distinguish signs from Ty and Tea after she passes (unless we get our miracle baby) but then they are so different in their own ways I know they'll have special ways to show us.
Some Pictures from Today (n also added some more under her pictures)
Our yummy Vietnamese food
Two of the reasons I get up everyday
Boy hospital bag...just in case
Matea's hospital bag
Today is most certainly a stay in pj's kind of day. Not only is the weather crabby but I am too. I feel so tired today and I don't know why. The last week I have been getting up at 7 because by that point my hips cannot take the pain anymore. So I have some long days, I may need to start taking naps to help me get through the tiredness. The problem is, it's so hard to figure out what I'm tired from. It could be my thyroid (I have hypothyroidism) it could be depression from loosing Ty and now knowing we will most likely loose Matea, it could be from being pregnant in general, or all of those. It's nice my husband is getting out with a friend to get away from me and my crabbiness for a few hours today. I can sit and do nothing all I want too. I did make lunch and I did make two more bags (which I am getting better at perfecting) and I love seeing how nice they turn out. I just hope other people like them as much as me to buy them. I was going to knit things but I find that is not as rewarding in the short term because it takes so long, sewing a bag takes a few hours once everything is set up and then I can see how cute they look. Buying my sewing machine after Ty passed was once of my best purchases. It keeps me active doing something I like that will help us in the long run. We went and saw Ty yesterday and like usual it's hard. It's always hard it doesn't get easy, but yesterday was harder because I stood there and looked at the spot next to him realizing in a few more months his sister will most likely be buried there. I always ask him to put in a word with the big man to help us with a miracle baby or to be preparing a huge celebration for her arrival but it's hard to know we'll most likely be getting two headstones. Maybe that's why I am putting off getting his headstone (that and the cost) but to have to face that makes it so real and to have to find a place that will hopefully give us a bit of a discount for getting two headstones (which is so hard to have to even ask) I just hope we can find someone compassionate as it is a very emotional subject. I did design Ty's headstone which was heartbreaking but to have to design another one for Matea...I hope God grants us a miracle.
I've also been watching the cop outside. She's been there about an hour now with some guy pulled over. Sometimes I think they just sit and make you wait while they diddle around. I can't imagine what she is checking that has taken over an hour. I did notice the guy was driving up and down the street earlier and kept stopping so maybe a concerned neighbour called the cops on him. He gave her some piece of paper (maybe a permit for something) and she's been doing something ever since. Yes I am nosy but it has saved lives before. There was a time where I noticed a girl being followed by a creepy man and I asked her if she knew him and she said no but that she had noticed him following her around for a while (she was young and obviously did not clue in to do anything about it) so we called the cops, took his license plate and reported it. There was also another time where some kids were trying to break into my neighbours house and had to call the cops. Nosy saves people.
Matea has been so active lately I love it. She even kicked for daddy last night. I don't know if it's because there is no fluid but I sure feel her kicks a lot more. Ty moved around like crazy but it wasn't as hard as I feel Matea. It doesn't hurt at all but sometimes it'll catch me off guard and make me stumble. I would not trade them for anything though, I love those sweet little (sometimes big) kicks so much. It scares me and breaks my heart to know those sweet little feet will never feel the sand between her toes or the fresh cut grass on a warm sunny day....to pitter patter in the water at swim lessons with daddy. There were so many hopes and dreams we had for Ty and now for Matea, not only do we loose our baby girl but we loose our future with her, just like we did with Ty. How do you find a direction in life after such losses? My husbad and I won't let it get to us but it is hard some days. We continue to have goals, we are moving into a house next year and will start the adoption process. We want a family and we have always said that after a few children of our own we would adopt. Well it seems the time is only fitting. Yes we know it may take a few years but it'll be worth it. Just like the 9 months with Ty and the 9 months with Tea was worth it. We will get our family and I think having that to focus on and work towards helps us get through each day. We will have our family. Of course there is a lot that goes into adoption and we will look at the pros and cons of each method of adopting and take some courses to prepare. It just gives us some hope, we have hope for Matea and we pray in two weeks (well almost one more now) we will have more reason to have hope for Matea. We hope the stomach and bladder is there and they look into what is going on more. Send us for more tests, check her out, require me to be on permanent bed rest in the hospital, we are willing to do anything we can to help her out. I know it is mostly up to God but I want to do everything I can so I know I tried. But it is nice to have something else in the future to look forward too because I remember feeling so lost after we buried Ty and didn't have a sense of direction so this time it is important to have something positive to focus on. We need to plan as much as we can and soon because I still want to be done by 28 weeks. The only thing that will change is if my placenta is still low and they suggest a c-section, I'll need to make a new birth plan then. I finished the rough draft of the natural delivery. We meet with our team on Monday to discuss it and alter it if need be, of course it may all change in two weeks if they see some change. Who knows what God has planned for Matea.
Okay enough for today, I think a nap is in tow...or some more bags. I'll post pics as soon as I find some energy. Love you sweet baby boy and girl. xoxo
March 2009 I stopped eating red meat. I decided to stop to see if it would decrease my headaches and migraines and because I heard it wasn't the best. Well it didn't really do much for the headaches/migraines and it is full of protein and iron so I plan on starting to eat a bit again. Maybe twice a week to keep the unhealthy parts of red meat out but to get the good nutrients in as well and making sure its a lean meat. I have slowly started to eat a little bit, bites of what my husband has that are red meat and will re-introduce it into my diet. Matea has made me have HUGE cravings for red meat, steaks, hamburgers, Arby's. Wendy's and Mcdonald's...yes I know these are not healthy choices of red meat but it's what I have been craving, probably because I haven't eaten red meat in two years. But Reuben sandwiches and corned beef and BBQ steak..mmm...it sounds so good. So here goes nothing...maybe its for the best.
I finished Matea's bag today, handles are hard, took almost 3 times as long as the bag so I need to perfect the technique before I can sell them. I am re-doing the girl bag though because I think it's just a bit too big and looks a little funny so after I finish the boy one I will see how it looks and base my measurements off of that. It does look very pretty though, I am glad I went with the girl and boy bags instead of a gender neutral. We still have to pick out a boy name but we have everything else for a boy. We just need to find out about the foot and hand impressions and get a few more small things, maybe another outfit or two and we'll be all set. We got a format for a birth plan so it's time to get down to business with that. Hopefully everything will be together and ready in two weeks, our goal is 28 weeks since we know the baby cam come at anytime after that. I hope we don't need it for many more weeks but we rather be prepared.
Day Two of blog:
Something that has been on my mind a lot lately was what the tech said. I don't blame her for pointing out what she thought was a stomach and bladder, had she known they weren't suppose to be there then maybe she should have realized they weren't what she was really looking for, however they were in the right spots for a stomach and bladder. My thinking is, are the doctors crazy? For one thing, I wish we had been sent for another ultrasound right away to know because as much as we can't do anything in the next 2 weeks if we had known maybe things would be different. If the stomach and bladder were there and there was very little, but still, functioning kidneys or even a functioning kidney wouldn't their main concern then become the lack of fluid and how to increase that or at least try? I just feel like they have given up, they don't have hope and maybe because they don't believe in the power of God or miracles they choose to just "deal with it". But what if there were kidneys and what if the baby's only problem right now was lack of fluid. The doctors told us there wasn't much they could do but couldn't they try? Maybe it's up to us to ask for them to try an amnioinfusion or have me in the hospital on IV's 24/7 for a week to see if it helps the fluid levels at all. Why can't they just try? We are doing everything we can and trying to keep hopeful but sometimes it seems like the medical community (and it's probably because they have to be) just gives up without a fight and how is that fair to Matea? We're fighting for her, shouldn't others be too? They told us babies with Bi-lateral renal agenesis don't survive but maybe if they actually tried the outcome would be different? Maybe if they didn't give up and were more pro-active more babies would survive. What happens if it turns out she did have functioning kidneys and all she needed was some extra fluid to help her survive and get into this world where she could be helped? All we're doing is sitting around because the doctors said there is nothing they can do? I would be very very angry if that were the case. Of course if God wants her to survive he will provide everything she needs to get her here.
Enough about that rant.....I know it'll drive me crazy all day but I have bags to make. Which by the way, boy bag didn't turn out so well....well there was only one part that didn't turn out so well and the rest is really good. Perfect size, I improved the look of things a but more, no clue how I did it but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. I still have to figure out those darn handles. I think heat and bond is the way to go so you don't have seems everywhere.
I have been getting up at 7am everyday, no particular reason just my body decides that's a good time to get up. I actually really like it. It's quiet so I grab a bit to eat and start my day, work online for a bit then do something hobby like and just enjoy the peace and quietness of the day before the hubbie and cats get up. It's raining out today and I love it. I really hope this summer stays cool and wet. Call me crazy but I was NOT one of those people who wanted summer. The only good thing about summer is it is followed by Fall, my favourite season. I love the colours and all the fun activities like hay rides and corn mazes and apple picking which leads to many baked goods, caramel apple cheesecake, pumpkin cheesecake, caramel apple cupcakes, apple sauce....mmm...I love fall. The hard thing with fall now of course is that's when Ty passed away so the nice cool crisp fall days often remind me of his funeral and it hurts my heart a bit. At least we know he got to enjoy a delicious thanksgiving dinner a few days before he passed, complimented by a scrumptious homemade pumpkin cheesecake. Oh the other good thing about summer...Mackie's Fries and Shaws ice cream with a road trip to Port Stanley.
Well I am off to make some bags, do some dishes, shower and get ready for a lunch date with a good friend. Hopefully my mood picks up, I was rather Oscar the Grouch yesterday, I guess I didn't wake up on the right side of the trash can. I think it had a lot to do with frustration at our situation. Ohh sweet Tea Bug, we love you, we won't give up on you, mommy and daddy will fight to the end. Hugs and kisses to you and big brother Ty.
I am so in love with my daughter and it terrifies me that we are going to loose her. I don't know why it hit this morning in the shower but reality reared it's ugly appearance. To think of what is going to happen in 2 1/2 months is a hard bit to swallow. Maybe meeting with the counselors yesterday made me realize how real this is. To have to write a few different birth plans, stillbirth versus living baby makes things so much more real. How do we even begin to plan to say goodbye before we may even get the chance to say hello? How can we make sure to include everything we want, where do we begin to think of what to include? Unfortunately, we have experienced loss with our son so we have an idea of some things we want to do but if Matea is born living (which we are praying she is) that's a whole different experience for us with different emotions and different requirements. I just can't believe we'll end up burying our second child next to our first....please God let us be wrong, let her live. My heart is so full of love for her, I want to be able to love her here on earth.
I watched intervention today and it seems a lot of people who turn to drugs do so after having a stillbirth...kind of scary. I'm very thankful I had the support I did after loosing Ty and didn't even consider it at all. I know it'll be the same with Matea. But it just puts the situation into a very bright light. It demonstrates how much it can tear a person apart and some days I wonder how I made it through. It is only thanks to the grace of God, my husband, my family and friends that I made it. I hope I have as much strength and courage after loosing Matea to carry on. I do worry about that somedays, if she is born living and dies in my arms how will I react? I can't prepare for that, only time will tell. Hopefully on July 5th some more things are cleared up so we can get our minds straight. I just hope we don't go through with more uncertainty.
I sewed Matea's "girl" hospital bag today, I LOVE it. I just have to figure out how to do handles and then I'll take a pic and post it. Tomorrow I am going to work on the boys bag...just in case we need it. Once I get the technique down it shouldn't take me more then an hour or two to make the bags so hopefully I'll be able to perfect them and then sell them to help with costs. I also have to perfect Ty's blankets of comfort before I can start selling those but I have a huge bucket of material to work with for both, gives me something to do. My goal is to clean in the morning, be done by 1 then enjoy my afternoon sewing and knitting and finishing Ty's scrapbook. I need a hobby area, there's no room in here so our kitchen table is covered which makes it hard to eat at.
We took Charlie to the vet's, he has gingivitis so they gave him some anti-biotics to help with that. He's perfectly okay otherwise, he lost a pound and she said he may be scared for a few days or weeks from whatever scared him. He is not fond of his cage, it's almost impossible to get him in, not even treats can trick him. Getting up that early to take him in has made today go by so slow and it is taking forever just to be bed time. But I am glad to know he is okay for the most part. Speaking of which...time to give him his meds...then resting for the night before bed. Tomorrow...more bag making and some knitting. Some more thinking, birth planning and trying to stay sane.
2 more weeks until we get reassessed, to see if there have been any changes (although I know changes could happen last minute) but I am hoping we see something, something that gives us a bit more hope like a stomach or bladder. It's early in the morning again so that means I'll be up all night downing the water. 2 more weeks for her to work on growing a kidney. Something I didn't mention before that the Dr said could be happening is a blockage of some sort somewhere. It doesn't make as much sense as the lack of both kidneys but if it's simply a blockage we can work with that. I'm hoping with all that I am doing it pushes the blockage out. 2 more weeks for God to work more on our little miracle, to heal her. The last week took forever and I know the next two will as well. At least there are many things to do to keep me busy. I was going to work on cleaning but I decided to get the sewing machine out too and start working on the bags. I've never sewn a reversible bag, let a lone a bag so it may take a few tries. I also wanted most things done by 28 weeks (which is in 2 weeks) Run out and get the hooded towels today and I think that's it for the bath items and we'll keep an eye on how big the baby is getting and if it looks like she will be a normal size I'm going to get a few more newborn outfits. I think we're also going to wait until 36 weeks to induce depending on what happens. We want to give her the best shot but don't want to risk another cord accident. There's so much to think about.
I am officially as big as I was with Ty. Given I did start out 9 pounds heavier this time around my waist has reached 44 inches and my weight is pushing 150 so I know Matea is growing quite well, despite them telling me she may be small she is still beating all the odds. She always has. We saw her heartbeat and heard her heartbeat well before the "normal" time for both of those. All a long we have felt this was really meant to be. I hope God feels the same way. I'm actually happy I am getting bigger. I love my belly, I am in love with being pregnant this time around so much. I don't want to hide my belly anymore, I want to show it off to the world and be proud of my little girl. She shouldn't be a secret, no matter what the outcome is projected to be. I can choose to tell people what is really going on or not but there is no reason why I can't tell them when my due date is and what we are having. The hard part is if they ask if Matea is our first. Telling them no and then seeing if they probe further (which few have) makes me uneasy. But then again I do love talking about Ty but I don't think the homeless man at the laundry mat really needed to know any of that.
We had our meeting with our perinatal palliative care unit today to discuss some things. I already mentioned but they told us again that my husband and I have no chromosomal abnormalities. Where to begin....well we talked a lot about Ty and what we wished had happened with the care we got. Emotionally it was not there. It sounds like our new social worker has every intention of changing that and is very interested in perinatal loss programs and since there is a new program at the hospital we talked about how much we can help with the program since we have been through it and can offer personal suggestions. I am glad to know we are going to help with the program and make it as good as can be. We have a lot of resources they wanted to know about. A lot of what we talked about had to do with Ty and what we wanted to do differently this time. We also talked about Matea and what kind of things can be done and about what kind of support they would offer us, how we were feeling, what we were thinking and so much more. It was 1 1/2 long and there was a lot discussed. I can't even remember most of the things but it was peaceful and a lot of things were discussed. We go back Monday to go over a birth plan and go from there. Meeting with the neonatalogist to discuss comfort care.....so much to do in a matter of weeks so we are prepared. We were told that when we go in they would have special delivery room nurses for us, we wouldn't be assigned a random nurse. We would also be getting the room around the corner away from all the other rooms for the privacy. We pretty much can do what we want and they are there to support us. It's nice to know we have that. We'll be meeting weekly until we have our birth plans done then go from there. We will also be going back for post care after Matea is born. There was a lot more discussed but I don't remember it off the top of my head, all in all it was another good meeting, they are learning from us and we are helping improve the program which means a lot to us.
I have found I am sleeping a bit better then I was a few weeks ago. I did a lot to change how I was sleeping and it seemed to help for the most part. I am still getting up at 7 in excruciating pain in my hips but that is about it. Not that it's fun, I'm also now starting to get my nightly leg cramps. I should just stay awake 24/7 to avoid the physical pain. I tried taking a bath, I tried walking and I tried stretching before bed but nothing is solving the hip pain. I am very careful about sleeping on my sides, especially left so it's probably getting really sore from that. If I wake up on my back I get scared that the baby passed away due to that thing in my back that can squish and cause the babies flow of oxygen to decrease. I really worry about that since we are pretty sure Ty passed away at night maybe for a similar reason.
Our household has been a bit crazy lately. Our cats have been....well not themselves. Our friendly one has become very skiddish of things and is terrified of the front room and most things these days. We have no clue why, he is just so scared and I feel so bad for him. On the flip side, our scardy cat has come out a bit more and is acting more like his brother use to. I am very thankful we have two fur babies in our lives, they sure help on really hard days. They know when we need extra snuggles and provide extra love when needed. Not only that but they entertain us with their crazy antics and some of the things they do we can't help but laugh for hours at. Like last night, our cat Charlie was sitting by the front door in his chair and a Robin flew up onto the wire just outside where Charlie could clearly see him. The Robin started chirping and every time he chirped Charlie would make this weird little meow like he was talking back to the Robin, having a full on conversation and the Robin kept responding. This went on for minutes, it was just so funny to watch. We are very blessed to have two of the best kitties in our lives. Off to the vet's with Charlie tomorrow though, poor guy is just not himself.
Speaking of animals, we went to the cemetery today and the baby fawn was all by himself so we sat and watched him and took some photos and videos of the wee little little. He was so cute, thanks again to Ty for blessing us with that opportunity.
On this day, God wants you to know ... that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive! (I live by this quote)
We went and had our healing oils prayer today and it was very peaceful. I didn't know what to expect, neither did my husband but our priest explained it to us and we had a little ceremony, just the three of us. He prayed for Matea and I and made a cross on my forehead he then prayed for continued healing for my husband and I and made a cross on our right hands. It was a very nice little ceremony, all just for Matea. We prayed that God will give her abundant life and help heal her. I prayed that if he chooses to take her into Heaven with her brother that he lets us have a few hours of abundant life with her here on Earth. We sat in the church for a little while after, thinking, praying, rubbing my belly. Matea has been very active today, I LOVE it! She's quiet right now but it's her usual quiet time of day, she'll be back at it closer to 6 or 7.
We did laundry after. Last time we were there we left a load and they only had one thing left from it. The people who work there usually take things from the loads left behind, all I can say is I hope whoever took my favourite black sweater loves it as much as I did.
Came home after that and I put Matea's CD, sat in the rocking chair with my Ty bear and Tea Bear and just rubbed my belly while listening to her CD. It's been a very peaceful day, hard emotionally as there have been a few tears (listening to her CD and certain songs) I remembered I had to add September by Daughtry to her CD. I am thankful to know Tea is still alive and kicking in me though, I love that feeling so much.
I also thought I should get some nice soft bath towels for her (or him) to add to their bag. I bought a baby brush the other day but forgot the towels. I am going to buy some nice baby laundry soap and wash everything before the hospital so it is nice and clean and ready to be showered upon her when she makes her arrival, all nice and clean for our baby girl. This may sound crazy to some, but I really hope everything we use at the hospital and bring home smells like her. We have Ty's hat that smells like him and I love it. It's one of the only connections left I have with him and I want that with Tea too. It's the little things that keep us connected.
Off to do some cleaning to keep myself busy. I find being a lone I get a lot more sad so I have to keep busy. Updating the house some more, maybe even post some pics when it is all said and done.
God please hear our prayers today, please heal Matea and let her have an abundant life here on earth with us for many years. Ty, mommy and daddy love you, watch over your little sister and put in a good word with the big Man. Matea, mommy and daddy love you, continue to grow big and strong and beat all the odds. We are patiently waiting for your arrival, only come when you and God decide you are ready, until then...push those kidneys to grow. Love to both our babies xoxo
1st off, Happy father's day to two of the best dads I know, mine of course and my husband. I have never met two more loving, caring, kind father's and I am so thankful I get to have them both in my life, my children are truly blessed. May God continue to bless, love, guide and protect you as you continue to set good examples to your children. I also wanted to say Thanks to Ty for letting us see a new baby deer today. It was a nice Father’s day present for his daddy and a nice treat for his mommy to see the new cute baby deer.
When we first found out we were pregnant with Matea I had a very hard time connecting or feeling anything. I was so afraid of loosing her, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I guess I thought I wouldn't be affected if we did loose her but boy was I wrong. The day we found out that we were going to loose her (May 2nd) is the day I started to feel so much love for her and my love continues to grow each day, just like it did with Ty. I love her so much and wish and pray she would be allowed to stay with us on Earth and not join her big brother in Heaven. I feel so much for her, sadness, fear, love, happiness, excitement, everything. I am scared for her, to loose her but I cannot wait to meet her and hopefully hear her cry and see her open her eyes. I pray God gives us that much if he decides not to perform a miracle. I was silly to think that I would not feel anything for my baby, I feel so much love for her, I love her sweet little kicks and hiccups. I guess as much as I wanted to protect my heart it was just not going to happen. There is so much love between her and I, we share so many wonderful moments and memories.
I find it interesting how different this pregnancy is from my pregnancy with Ty. I know people say every pregnancy is different but they have been completely opposite, minus the gallbladder issues but my sweet girl is worth the physical pain. She has such a different personality then Ty did. Matea is very active in the morning and at night, Ty was most active during the day. Ty only loved veggies and fruit, he did not like meat or sweets or anything else really. Matea only loves sweets and meats, she's not a fan of fruits or veggies and the ones that she is are opposite of Ty. She likes kiwi, cherries, nectarines and rhubarb and as far as veggies, pretty much nothing. She will tolerate the occasional roasted on the BBQ grilled veggies or mashed potatoes or a baked potato (not sweet though, Ty made those impossible to eat) She does really like homemade apple sauce though and queso of course but she is NOT a fan of hummus. I love how both of them are so different. I love both my son and daughter so much, even if they are in Heaven, I love them so much and will never forget them. They have given us so much.
Church today was okay. Our new Priest started so it was a bit quieter and I think because of summer vacation attendance is generally lower anyways. I felt strong today though, my goal was to stay until the end of service and pray like I use to. I haven’t been able to since learning about Matea. But I had the strength today and stayed afterwards and we even said Hi to some people. It’s all about the little steps. During the prayers of the people they mentioned us (as they will every week) and it’s still hard to hear it but not only that, there are so many other children who are sick it was a bit heartbreaking. After they were done I popped down to the bathroom for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and compose myself. We went to visit Ty after like we do every Sunday. It’s a bit easier going back now, I don’t think about Matea being right next to him like I did the first few times. Right now it’s just him, him and I when we are there and Matea is still a live for the time being. Our church needs a new highchair (I’ve always thought this) so we are going to donate one in Memory of Ty, that way every time we have a parish dinner people will think of him. I have such an urge to help those in need now, it’s just one of the many things we plan on doing to help others. It is a bit sad knowing we won’t need it anytime soon but it’ll make some other babies pretty happy and that’s important to us as well, to make sure people are loved and cared for and we intend to make sure of that.
I am getting so big, I know I mentioned it before but I really am. The Dr’s said I wouldn’t get as big because there is no fluid but I am now, in inches, at the biggest I ever was with Ty and my weight is almost there. I am thankful I am putting on weight still, it helps me to know Matea is still growing so I may go back out and buy a few more newborn outfits for her (and get ones for him just in case) and put them in their hospital bags, which I cannot wait to make! I’ll post a picture when I am done with them. I just started sewing after we lost Ty so I am expanding what I sew in hopes of being able to make some more things to help with fundraising. I would love to sew something for her or him to wear too but I don’t know if I am there yet. I should sew myself some momo’s, I don’t fit into anything, thankfully my mom treated me to some bigger clothes this weekend. But I am okay with getting large, keep growing Tea Bug, grow that functioning kidney!
My husband said something earlier to me that I would have disagreed with when I was pregnant with Ty. He said he wished he could grow the baby because he misses out on knowing what it feels like and having that connection. With Ty I would have begged for him to be pregnant instead, I was so sick and sore and miserable but this time I would NEVER give this feeling away. I am absolutely in love with being pregnant this time, even with the few side effects I have, I love it. Somedays I love going out and showing off my belly, I just love it so much. I don’t feel the urge to hide it as much anymore. We have to tell numerous people about our baby and we are getting immune to it so going out and showing off my Matea bump is getting easier, I still dread questions but I love my belly and what it holds so much and I am so thankful to be able to carry her for another 10-12 weeks and get to feel her grow and love her more and more. I just pray in those 10-12 weeks she grows a functioning kidney and has enough fluids to help her lungs develop as well. Mommy and Daddy love you Tea-Bug xoxo
Ever since I had chocolate cheesecake last night (which was delicious) I have had an okay day. I slept okay, better then I have been, I woke up in a better mood, I handled being out in public, I didn't feel horrible (there were moments though). My parents are up visitng and my mom and I went shopping today for a few new maternity clothes since I am outgrowing the ones I had from Ty. With Ty at my largest I was 44inches and 150lbs. I have 10-12 more weeks to go and I am at 43.5inches and 146lbs so I am no longer in smalls, I'm in mediums and didn't have much but I do now. However, going shopping for maternity clothes is a bit of a challenge and I think I handled today well. We started at Once Upon A Child, went right to the mat section and only looked at the little girl section for a pink sweater. I did okay. Got a few things and didn't end up buying things I didn't need right now. Next we went to Old Navy and it was a bit harder. The mat section is right in between the newborn boys and girls section so it was a little hard seeing all those cute little baby clothes and knowing we wouldn't need them soon. After that we went to Motherhood Maternity. It wasn't as hard as Old Navy but it was still a bit of a struggle. I knew going in there many questions would be asked and they were. Most, when are you due (September 30th) is this your first (no it's my second) and thankfully no in depth questions were asked, just the bare minimums. So I held up and we headed to Pier 1 afterwords, of course lots of people are asking when I am due and is this my first and today I answered that no it was not my first, it was my second and I am so glad no one asked about my first because this was the first time I have been even able to say no this is my second to strangers. I am working on that before I have to explain about Ty and now about Matea too. I've also been looking for a bag to bring the baby's things with to the hospital but I have not been successful. I saw one today I really liked but decided I could make my own so we went to Fabricland and I bought material for a boys and a girls bag so I can pack one of each. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I also bought a couple of patterns and am going to try my hand at sewing more things.
My mom and I went to an open house today. We like to go to open houses and get decorating ideas but also we will be house hunting next year when the move back and we move in so it was fun to go and look at houses and plan. I can't wait until the move back. Ever since I moved back my goal was to convince them to move back as well as my brother and it was a successful mission. I am very thankful and blessed to have the family I do and them being close means so much to us. We are looking forward to next year, there is a lot to look forward too. Can't wait to get into a ho
That's all for today, I'm tired but it was an okay day, though at a few points I felt sad I didn't break down.
We got to see our Sweet Pea today for almost an hour. We still have no clue what the baby is, boy or girl so we're just going to prepare for both. I still have a feeling it is a girl so we'll stick with Matea but have a boy's name picked out just in case. I have to say, seeing the baby in 2D was much easier then 3D but we did get to see a bit of the baby's features in the 3D. The main problem was the baby's legs were crossed and her hands were covering her face and she was being very stubborn and not moving her hands so we didn't get a great face shot. We want to do another one at 32 weeks if were blessed to get that far and we may ask about getting an amnioinfusion before we go so we can see more and have better pictures. I'd go through the pain to get that experience. We have to contact the company though becasue the CD with all the pictures on it never burned so we only have the DVD. Hopefully they still have them, if not they better give us a free session to do more, though I am sure they keep them on-file. Next time we go I think were going to ask to have more 2D/4D since we can see her better through that. Unless we get an amnio or there is more fluid and we can actually see. That would be a miracle. The pictures from today are below and there is a new one of her at 25 weeks under pictures. We'll also post the video once we put her music to it.
I wrote something on a friend's facebook status today and I don't know where it came from but it felt so natural to say it. "Sometimes when you go through as much as you have the "normal life" you have changes. Not in a bad way, sometimes for the better, after loosing Ty and now loosing Matea my life will never be "normal" again and the new "normal" for us is much different then it use to be but I think most of the time it's for the better. I know some people hate the saying "Everything happens for a reason" but I'm starting to think that God does make everything happen for a reason and it may take awhile to know why or you may never know." I am really starting to believe this. Who can really define normal anyways? And is normal really the way to live?
Everything we have been through has made me a softy, a softy for animals, children and people in need. I have such an overwhelming urge to help others. I want to help those who have less, those who are in need, those who are alone and looking for support. I just want to take in all the homeless animals and children and give them all love, that's what everyone needs. We all have God's love but sometimes people choose not to or struggle to see his love. Sometimes it takes racial circumstances to create radical faith (said by my friend Jen) and she nailed that one. How radical is it to loose two children, too bury two children? Yeah that's definatley a radical circumstance and yes it brought us closer to God. What we have been through has changed our whole lives. It has made us appreciate life much more,it has made us question what we are really here for. We have so much and are so blessed with everything we have I feel we are here to help others.
Day two of this blog....
I tried to upload the photos but weebly would not let me upload them on here so they are under pictures. Today was a very frustrating day. I bought a new laptop becasue for as much as I am doing online I needed something newer (mine is 5 years old) well it has not gone well, my husband has had to do a system restore 4 times so needless to say I am more then ready to take it back and get something a bit better. I need something faster that can handle more and the one we got. I just wanted to write the blog, upload the photos, put the video to music and post it but I have not one anything due to the lack of a decent computer in our house. My husband wants to give the new computer a few days (we have 14 to return it) but the fact that if something goes wrong on the computer and we have to do a system recovery every time is not a good thing so I am pushing to take it back tomorrow and get another one, I just haven't been with it today, i have been very emotional and just wanting to cry. My mom took us out for dinner and I had a chocolate cheesecake slice for desert and my evening was much better. We went for a walk and talked a lot and it was nice to just get out and get a bit of exercise now that the doctor said to go ahead.
We have our next genetics meeting next week, also meeting with the social worker to start the birth plan. We also have to schedule the eco and an appointment with the neonatalogist to discuss comfort care....so much to do in the next few weeks. I want to be prepared by 28 weeks.
Speaking of genetics, we found out that both my husband and I normal. Nothing wrong with our genes, good news and bad. So we just have really shitty luck. Not sure how I feel about that. I'm just so tired and grouchy today I think I better just go to bed before I get even more frustrated that the pictures will not upload...the other two I have right now are under her pictures. Hopefully we'll get the CD from UC Baby sometime soon, they'll have to send it FedEx or something since Canada Post is on strike....Sigh....what a day, the best part was going to the Christian book store and getting some things for Matea. Healing oils and holy water on Monday, counseling on Tuesday and who knows what else, lots to report next week and then the wait until July 5th when everything is reassessed....kidneys, bladder, stomach...please grow. Love you oh so much Tea Bug Cakes! Keep strong little love bug.
Our Sweet Girl (?) Somewhere in there.
So we had a checkup today....left with more unknowns then before. We had an ultrasound this morning (our baby has a cute butt!) and I wish after what we were told they would have sent us for another one right away. Here's why....the ultrasound tech I had this time was also the one we had the day we found out about Tea and today she pointed out to my husband and I the stomach and bladder and a possible fluid sac, however, our doctor though that the fluid was the cord and that the stomach and bladder were just blood vessels. So we left with even more questions. Is it possible God is slowly granting us a miracle? All I know is we are choosing to continue to have faith, I will continue to drink insane amounts of water and rest as much as I can. We go for a re-check in 3 weeks with another ultrasound, this time to look for the stomach, bladder, kidneys and fluid (as well as the gender as it is still unknown, though I think it's still a girl) but I am praying next time we go that God has slowly been working on his miracle baby and lets some more changes be seen. The good thing is my placenta has moved up so my placental previa is slowly disappearing which means natural delivery (which is what we want).
Maybe the 3D4/D ultrasound will show a bit more. Though there wasn't much fluid we were able to see the baby and tell where things were, like the cute butt and feet and the baby has moved (though I could have told you that) Still in a breech position but on the other side. Also, still turned inwards so getting a good profile pictures was a bit hard, we did get a picture and I'll post once I stop being so lazy. So I am hopeful we will be able to see a few more things with the 3D/4D even with the lack of fluid. I am very excited to see our baby. I hope she is as active as she was this morning during the ultrasound. I'll have to eat some Queso in the car on the way there, get her moving all around.
So here we are not sure what is really going on, our doctor seemed to think the tech didn't really know what she was looking at and still said there is not much hope but he doesn't know the power of God. If things continue to look like there may be a small possibility we may even carry to 40 weeks (not 35 like we planned) though we have to be careful if there is no fluid of a cord accident. So much more to think about, so much more to ponder, so much more hope but reality......I don't even know what to think, say or feel today. All I can do is pray, pray that God is giving us a miracle baby, beat the odds of medicine and science and we ask that people continue to pray for a miracle. Let Matea grow a functioning kidney and let her lungs grow, let our cute little butt baby live and thrive and survive. I am getting sick so it is time to rest and try to wrap my mind around what we heard today.....
Forgot to mention, baby is 1.5 lbs and measuring at 23W4 Days and we are 24W5D so on track so far.
I knew I felt emotional yesterday and boy was it a hard day. We ended up going to church and there were two babies being baptized. All I could think about was how it should be me up there with Ty, having him welcomed into Christ's family and how I should be so thankful that Matea would be with us soon and going through the same thing. I was teary eyed the whole service and it took so much not to break down and just let it all out. They didn't do prayers of the people this week, I am thankful for that, I know the tears would not have survived that and I would have had to leave.
It was also the butterfly release, again, very emotional. It took all my strength to go see Ty's name engraved on the wall because I knew just below his name was a blank spot and I knew exactly what name would be there next year, right under Tiberius S. Nelles would be Matea F. Nelles and that broke my heart. Not only was it hard to see Ty's name on the wall of children who are no longer with us, but I knew seeing that empty spot, specially reserved for Matea would do me in and it did. I just let the tears fall, I wasn't the only one so it was nice to be in a setting where people understood the tears and didn't ask questions.
I had such a nice night out with a very good friend and my hubby. We ate at the best Chinese food place in London (Dragon Gate). It was nice to get out and laugh and feel semi-"normal". It's nice to have those moments where my mind is not constantly on grief. IT was very much needed and made me realize I need to do it more often. The only downfall is I think I am getting sick. Two days not feeling warm with a cough and a sore throat. I already drink plenty of fluids so who knows what else I can do but rest.
Here I am on 5 nights of no sleep. It's not that I'm not tired or can't sleep it's that I am in so much pain. I did figure out that my hips fare better with no pillows but they still hurt on top of my gallbladder and lungs which seems when I lay on my sides get squished and hurt and now my night headaches are back as well. I just can't win. Not only that but I am up before the crack of dawn because I cannot take the headaches. I just want a good nights sleep, that's all I ask for. If it were because Ty was up at all hours of the night wanting cuddles because he would be teething, I’d take that, but this being in pain sucks. Being tired really makes me emotional. I was thinking about high school this morning and how much I miss it. They weren't the best years, just like University, but the crap you go through as a teenager/young adult sure was a hell of a lot easier then what I am going through now and it made me miss those days. I miss the simplicities of life. The young care free love, the late nights and late mornings, the jobs I actually enjoyed doing, random road trips, the beach, the bonfires...everything. I want that life back, I want that me back but I am forever changed. I don't think it's a horrible change, I mean how can it be when my passion in life is to help others who have gone through what my husband and I have, to have learned that there is so much more to life then material objects or pointless little things. To know to cherish each day and be thankful and appreciate close family and friends. The lessons I have learned have enriched my life so much more, I just wish it came at a lesser price then my son and daughter’s lives. I am really a new person, my views on life and all things related to being on earth have changed. Things I use to enjoy, well some I still do enjoy, but there are other things I enjoy much more now. Things I was afraid of before no longer scare me. I use to fear death but now, I’m okay with it because I know I get to hold my son in my arms again. Sure I have a lot less energy to do things because grieving takes all my energy these days but I can laugh deeper, love deeper, hurt deeper, help, care, show compassion, smile at all the little things in life, appreciate snowy and rainy days and sit and enjoy the love of Milo and Charlie (our cats) for hours on end. I may seem different to others and it probably is because I am, but there are still parts of me that are the same, perhaps improved parts of me. I guess this is why some people loose friends after you go through such an experience like ours, people just don’t know how to take you anymore. They are afraid to say things or do things that would upset you, or they don’t like the new more serious person someone becomes. I am very thankful to all my true friends though, ones who still love me all the same and care enough about me to understand the new me and not shy away from talking about my children, ones that actually bring up my children knowing that I really love talking about them. Sure there may be tears, but there tears of love for my children and yes tears of sorrow but how can I not cry tears of sorrow over the loss of my son and daughter?
I did a lot of cleaning yesterday and it felt really good to be able to cross things off my to-do list. The only thing is, on days where I am up and active a lot Matea doesn’t move as much so there are days I like to just sit (and now knit) and let her kick away. I am trying to get the house cleaned and our lives more organized. I use to be such an independent organized person and I have really let that go. Perhaps I enjoy life a bit more now without all the organization, but ask my husband, I still know where everything in the house is. I guess I just want some routine for us. I don’t want us to be so disorganized that we can’t handle much change. I want us to be able to function like “normal people” though we are far from normal now, maybe we always were though. I know after we lost Ty we also lost a sense of direction in life, we were just focused on getting out of bed each day and I know after we loose Matea it’ll probably be the same so I want to do as much now as we can to plan (because again, I don’t think one can ever prepare for such a tragedy) for the days, weeks and months afterwards. If we can get into a basic functioning routine now it may really help us after Matea is born. The less stuff we have the more manageable it will be, hence the de-cluttering of the little clutter we have. I just want everything to be in place, I want our meal calendar to be up, everything we don’t need to be gone, everything else in it’s place so we can function and focus on grieving and not trying to worry about household chores. I have 10 weeks to do this, well I pray we have 10 more weeks.
I can’t believe it is only 10 weeks away, I wish we were getting excited that we only had 10 weeks left until we met our sweet little Matea thinking of all the things her future would hold, being happy and full of love, looking into her sweet eyes and having her coo and smile at us. I wish we would be planning her homecoming and stopping by the cemetery to introduce her to her brother, how to schedule all the visitors we would get, all the doctors appointments we would be going to because you know I’d be crazy at any little thing that seemed to be wrong. But instead we are planning her celebration of life, picking out a headstone to match her brothers, planning what to do after she passes, knowing that in 10 weeks it will be the last time we get to hold our sweet little Matea in our arms, just like we held her brother for the last time. I think this time it will be a lot harder for me to let her go, physically, leaving the hospital for a second time empty handed…..probably not going to go so well. I still pray that I am wrong and that we do get to plan her homecoming, I pray during the next few weeks things start to turn around for Matea and God gives us a miracle baby. I pray that I have to scramble when I get home to get all the baby things out and send out the troops to buy girl things because we don’t have a lot. Send people to the laundry mat to wash all the baby girl things we do have…oh how I wish that would happen. Only God can make it happen now, no doctor or scientist can do anything, I am leaving it in the hands of God. If he chooses to take her I pray he gives us a few hours in earth with her, to let us hear her cry, to see her beautiful eyes, things we didn’t get with her brother that we really hope happen this time. The silence after Ty was born was devastating the only thing you could hear was me sobbing, I felt so violated and I don’t want that, I want to hear our baby girl cry, even if it is just for a few moments, I want that experience.
We have our butterfly release today for Bereaved Families so I know it will be an emotional day. I can already feel the tears. I am so tired and so emotionally exhausted there is no way the tears are staying away today, not only that we are going to church and during the prayers of the people I am sure I will break down again, at least I know this time to bring Kleenex and like last time pop out just before everyone else and wait in the car. It was a big step for me to go back and now I am going to work on staying and talking to people afterwards, but not today. Today I am not strong, today I am weak and the tears will fall (as they already are) I am thankful I will be around people who just get it though. They don’t need an explanation, no story line as to why I am so sad and heartbroken, they just get it. Here’s to hoping I make it through the day and I am almost positive a nap will be happening later, if I can’t sleep at night maybe I will try during the day.
I am so sick of hearing people complain about how their bodies look after pregnancy. I get it, you have a bit of extra flab, you have some spider veins, you have some wrinkles, you know what BE THANKFUL. You probably also have a living child and that's what you should be focusing on. Who cares that your pants may be one size bigger then before you were pregnant, just take a moment to hug your child and look into their eyes and realize that you are thankful for the extra pant size because they are worth it. There is nothing better then the love of a child and getting there is part of the journey. Stop complaining, think of how women who have lost their children feel? Some hate their bodies, they feel so let down and the extra flab, the spider veins or the wrinkles remind them of what they have lost instead of what they have to love. I do not fall into that category, I love my body, my spider veins are my Ty marks of love and the extra flab is my mommy flab. But I am tired of hearing all these commercials for plastic surgery after having a baby, or these shows they praise getting liposuction. Just eat right and exercise, love your body the way it is, your a mom, your not suppose to be pencil thin and look 16. I just wish women would be more thankful they were pregnant and had a living baby because not every women gets that opportunity and think of how they feel about their bodies, with no living children. Blue Water Surgery and The Doctors should feel ashamed of themselves. Okay done with my rant for the day.
I went shopping yesterday (by myself may I add) and it was a bit tough. I went out to buy a boy and a girl newborn outfit in case Sweet Pea is bigger then they suspect and it took all my strength not to buy all the cute little baby girl clothes I had been eying for months. I had been in there the week before we found out what we were having and had so many plans to get all these adorable little girl outfits, summer dress, cardigan pant sets, everything and it hurt yesterday not to be able to buy anything. I know someday we'll need them but it doesn't seem right to buy something for a child who has yet to be in our life. (I guess experiencing two losses makes one feel this way?) I should be buying boy and girl clothes and not to mention at Goodwill because we were crazy enough to have two children so close in age but we wouldn’t care our lives would be full of so much love. I did spend a long time in the store looking at all the cute clothes praying I would laugh in 11 weeks because it would turn out we did need all those clothes, that Matea would be a miracle baby and survive! I also prayed that I would need to shop there one day for my own children (including adopted ones). I probably would have bought a few things because they were so reasonably priced but last week when I put away all the little girl clothes we already had it was very hard and very emotional and I didn’t want to experience that again. I mean I can’t even look in Ty’s dresser to see his clothes, it’s way to painful. I don’t want to push that upon myself. I just hope and pray come 11 weeks I realize I was wrong and that our baby girl has no clothes because we didn’t prepare for her to come home, only to bury her. Again, I am not choosing to give up hope but I am living realistically. If we go in to an ultrasound and there is some change then maybe we will start preparing. But right now I just can’t have all the baby stuff out, it breaks my heart to look at it.
I taught myself to knit yesterday, I figured it'd help if I could learn to make more things to sell it would help towards paying for headstones, adoption and Memory Ty's. I decided I am going to make comfort blankets (kind of like Taggies but not exactly the same) re-useable gift bags, if I can learn to knit then blankets and booties and maybe even a cookbook. With my husband and I both being off work we are just making ends meet and the cost of the funeral, plus two headstones right now and an adoption in the future we need to figure out other ways to raise money. So if anyone who reads this has any additional ideas for fundraising (we also need to fundraise for Memory Ty’s) feel free to comment and let me know. I know people plan golf outings and 5K runs but I wouldn’t know where to begin with planning so if you have also successfully planned something to that effect I’d love to know how.
We got our wedding photos back, the first time I went through I had 100 favourites, the second time...150. There's just so many I like, how do I narrow it down to like 15 to hang up in the house? They turned out really well and there are some special ones in there of our family (including Ty and Tea thanks to my Maid of Honor Nicole who I have known for more then 21 years and what she got us just goes to show one of the many reasons we are still friends.) I’ll probably post a few of the “family pictures” on here but most of them will be on facebook if anyone cares to look. It was a hard day for us. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on here before but two weeks before my husband and I got married was when we found out about Matea. Not the best timing, though there is really no right time to find out the child you are carrying will inevitably die unless God steps in and performs a miracle. So it was kind of crazy, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what else needed to be done and I had nightmares everything went wrong because we were so disorganized. It was a small wedding, 60 people, and to be honest not a lot of planning was involved, it just kind of came together. No stress at all which was really nice, but my husband and I wanted that. We just wanted it to be small, cozy, fun, loving and laid back and it sure was. But everything turned out perfectly, nothing went wrong and we had such a nice time and many people told us it was the best wedding they’ve been too. We chose to celebrate the day regardless of knowing what was happening with Matea, we decided it was a day for celebration, after all my husband and I have been through we still have so much love and respect for each other and we have made it through life’s toughest challenge and came out with a stronger relationship. I am very thankful for that and I knew I was marrying the almost perfect man. I could not ask for a better husband. We have been through so much and he continues to be my rock and greatest support so I am very thankful he is in my life. So we celebrated us and we celebrated that Matea was still with us on that day. Now we have many wonderful pictures to remind us of that beautiful day. We are also going to get belly shots done through NILMDTS so we have even more wonderful memories.
Having said that though, I am feel horribly guilty. Matea seems to have so much more memories associated with her then Ty did and people tell me all the time “You did the best you could at the time.” I’m sure we did, it was such a shock we had never thought in a million years our first born son would die so yeah we didn’t know what to expect or do but that does not make the guilt any easier. I feel as though Matea has so much more then Ty does, that she will be treated better, that what we have that reminds us of her are so many more things then we did with Ty and it makes me feel so guilty of things we didn’t do with Ty. I’m trying to do as much as I can with what we have for him but it won’t be the same and it shouldn’t be because they are two different human beings. It’s still eats me up inside that I feel Ty didn’t get the best he could and it tears me to pieces to know we have a chance to re-do it all over again and make things right this time. I really wish I did not have that opportunity; I rather have only dealt with the grief of Ty, not loosing two babies.
There’s still a lot to do around the house and a trip to Goodwill to purge a lot of stuff we have that we don’t need. I did the same thing after we lost Ty, got rid of a bunch of stuff because you realize there is nothing more important in life then life itself, no material object can ever come close to the importance of life. So I found myself purging again. It kind of feels good, cleansing the soul perhaps? It also keeps me busy and my mind off of other things that I do occasionally need a break from. So back to cleaning today since it is nice and cool out (I hope the weather stays this cool all summer!) Once I am done cleaning then I will finish Ty’s scrapbook and start making things to sell since Christmas will be here before I know it. Ohhh Christmas, another year passes where we won’t participate in your festivities, it is to hard. I had dreams that this Christmas we would have a little girl on our arms (the first few weeks when we were pregnant and didn’t even know it) I can only pray it was a sign that God will perform a miracle on our Sweet Matea Faith….
It seems so surreal....we had a count down started from day one of when we would get to meet you knowing a long time ago you would come at 35 weeks to avoid what happened to your brother. 11 weeks at most, that is the only time we have left with you on earth. How do we prepare to say hello and goodbye? We've been through it once and it is the hardest thing to have to do, how do we prepare for a second time? I don't think there is anything that can prepare you for an situation like ours. Sure we have things planned, birth plan, burial outfit, picture outfit, bath soap, blankets for you to use for us to bring home, soft teddies, we have things planned but we are not prepared by any means. One cannot prepare for the death of a child, even knowing ahead of time, we can not prepare ourselves. Nothing can prepare you for that heart wrenching emotion of loosing a child. Nothing can prepare you for those few precious minutes or hours you have with a child, the only time you will physically hold them or look at their perfect little bodies, stare into their precious little eyes (at least we pray Matea opens her eyes for us) all you can do is have hope, hope that the doctors are wrong even though we have seen the ultrasounds and it doesn't look good, all we can do is hope. So here's to hoping you make it 11 more weeks and continue to grow big and strong and prove the doctors wrong. Here's to hoping Gods plan for you involves a last minute miracle of growing a functioning kidney and you live. I have no problem having to take all the baby things back out if God decides to let you come home, I hope and pray he does.
I haven't slept the last two nights so of course I am exhausted and it is not helping my mood. I have been so uncomfortable. With Ty I had problems sleeping as well, my hips were very sore and my gallbladder was acting up and here I am second pregnancy and both of those have reared there ugly head a me and may I add in full force, much worse then Ty. My hips only bother me at night but it causes me not to sleep. My gallbladder usually acts up during the day as well but not as bad right now, it gets worse at night. So I lay awake at night in so much physical pain knowing what emotional pain I will be enduring in 11 weeks and think, I think and I get scared, scared at the fact that I am helpless. Only a miracle from God can save our little girl, there is no doctor who can save her, no medical team who could save her, just God. I clearly get it now that doctors are not God. They can only do so much and leave the rest up to God. But I feel so helpless just sitting around knowing what is coming and it bothers me I can't do anything about it. All I can do is make sure she is comfortable. I can't save her, just like I couldn't save Ty and that is hard to deal with. As a mother I should be able to save my children, but I am not God. It is a tough bit to swallow knowing I am helpless. All I can do is continue to drink as much water as possible and pray knowing that I have no control over the situation.
I find I have a lot more anger this time around. Why is this happening to us a second time? We want a family, full of loving children more then anything and it's the one thing we are struggling with the most. Are we horrible people? Did we do things wrong at some point and now we're being punished? Some days I do feel as though we are being punished for something. How can I not think like that? What mother has lost two children? What mother has had to bury two children in less then a year of each other? How is this even fair? I mean obviously it's not, I just don't get it. It is very hard to mourn the loss of one child let alone grieve the loss of a second so close to the first. It makes me angry that I had to put away the baby things for a second time knowing they still haven't been used, they've sat and collected dust the last year and they will continue to sit and collect dust and not be used. Because we live in a smaller apartment though, there are only so many places to store things and not everything is out of sight so it is still on our minds.
I feel such raw emotions today. I'm sure the lack of sleep is not helping but I really feel today. I feel the loss of both of my children, my son and my daughter. The perfect family. Everyone wants a boy and a girl and we were blessed with both but their in Heaven and we remain on Earth for the time being. I know Ty is still with us, looking out for us, watching us from above, he sends signs all the time. I'm sure Matea will do the same but they should be here with us, I should be up now not because I cant sleep due to pain but because Ty would be up and ready to play. We should be planning where to place Matea's bassinet becasue we don't have a lot of room for two children but we sure do have a house full of love and laughter. Instead tears fall where they should be, where Ty's crib should be set up is an extra bed for my mother, where Matea's bassinet should be is empty, empty like our hearts, they hurt and urn for our children. We should be loosing our minds knowing we have two children who are less then a year apart, people should be saying we're crazy for having children so close in age but instead we are loosing our minds over our grief, over the fact that when we visit the cemetery it's not just to see our son but soon our daughter as well (I haven't given up hope that God can create a miracle but I much rather plan for the worst and then have to celebrate a miracle if it happens, I guess I'm protecting my heart) people are calling us crazy for deciding to carry Matea to full term despite her fatal prognosis, those people clearly have not lost a child and don't know the value of 9 months. Our world is so opposite of what it should be and I guess I can now understand why people ask us how we are getting through, it seems so impossible to have to deal with everything that we have been dealt and again I have no answer, we just keep going. We are functioning on a day to day basis planning for our lives 11 weeks from now. We continue to pray for a miracle but we know it may not happen. I can say for both my husband and I that it has helped us tremendously to have two kitties who love us unconditionally and know when we are having a bad day that we need extra snuggles. They entertain us and make us laugh with their crazy antics. Pet therapy is really one of the best kinds of therapy. We are very blessed to have such loving kitties.
With the humidex it feels like 40 Celsius, it is so warm out. Thank goodness my husband put the AC in a few weeks ago, at least the living room is semi cool. We may have to sleep in here tonight. .
I don't know if its the heat or what, but our cats today will not leave my belly button alone. They seem to think it's a toy, it's been there for months but today they both have been playing with it and trying to bite it. I like to think they are giving Matea love but I think they think it's a toy. It's cute but they have to be careful of her.
We met with our social worker today, the one we met with after we lost Ty. I find talking to her so peaceful, I don't know what it is but I always feel better after talking to her. She doesn't normally deal with the prenatal palliative care unit (which is what our team of doctors id called) but because she knows us she still wants to stay in touch and be part of our care and I am very thankful for that. It seems medically we are getting so much support this time, they do so much, it makes me wonder why it isn't there when an infant death is unexpected. I would have thought it being so close the care would be the same but it's not. So I am thankful to have this support and guidance.
We are going to work on our birth plans because we want to be prepared and we know Matea can come at any time, that's why belly shots and 3D/4D ultrasounds are being done the next two weeks and if we are blessed to get another 11 weeks with her then we'll do some more but we want to make sure we have some memories.
We have our butterfly release for Bereaved Families this Sunday, I'm glad I ordered two butterflies, originally I ordered two for my husband and I to release but now it only seems fitting. It'll be an emotional day, I'm sure tears will be falling and lots of hugs. Speaking of tears, I am having a hard time crying right now and I think it's becasue I feel such a deep emotional pain that if I start I will not stop and that scares me. I avoid all situations where tears may be involved, though going to church and anything with Bereaved Families I go to because I know some people get it and understand. It's been hard at church during the people's prayers because they mention us and it's just hard to hear. I know people are thinking about us and supporting us and I want to talk to them about it but it is hard, I don't want to break down and not be able to settle down. I don't want to be in a situation where I can't get away if I need too.
We often get asked how we are making it through and I know I've mentioned it before but there's not really a simple answer, it's a bunch of things. We have great support from family and friends and now the medical community, we have or faith, we have our parish family, we choose to keep a positive outlook on our situation and learn any lessons we are given, we still have hope for a miracle, we have love from a lot of people and we won't let it get the better of us. We continue to push on as much as we can and function on a daily basis, we are living through the grief. I think all of this is letting us live on for the time being, we know it's only going to get tougher so for now we are functioning, doing what we can, getting by, trying to focus on the positives....it's not easy but it is what we felt in our hearts was the right decision. Matea is our daughter, we love her, we will fight for her, we will pray for her to be a miracle and she gives us the strength to make it through. God and Ty also give us the strength.
We are so thankful for everyone in our life and how much they have helped us through both of our losses. We are truly blessed with many things and it may be hard for people to see that but we see them and we appreciate them. You learn that material objects don't matter in life but rather the love of family and friends and the memories of life are much more important. We've learned there is so much more to life then the newest dishware set, the fanciest car, the softest towels, the latest kitchen appliances or top of the line sheets, life isn't about those things, it's the little things, the small miracles, the love of family and friends, helping those who have less or are in need (remember there are always people worse off who need help) our fur babies who entertain and love us everyday, the fact we have a roof over our head, one that hasn't been destroyed by mother nature, there's so much more to life the the newest fanciest material objects and it's a lesson I am very thankful we have learned. Though I wish it were under different circumstances but I think it has helped my husband and I grow and become more compassionate, caring, kind, empathetic, happy, appreciative people. It has helped us continue to look for the positives in life and be thankful for the 9 months we had with each of our children, both Ty and Tea will always be a part of our family and we are very grateful we got to know them over 9 months. 1 week until our 3D/4D ultrasound :0) I cannot wait to see our Sweet Pea.
My worst fear, my dread, the question while out in public " When are you due", "Boy or girl" "first baby"? Followed by congratulations, for what? The fact my child is going to die? For being pregnant? Do I mention what is going on? Do I risk breaking down and crying? I know I have mentioned it before but it is still a conundrum I face daily. So far I have dealt with it on a daily basis, depending on my mood. I have yet to tell a stranger or even some I see often but don't know very well, what is going on. I just don't have it in me. I have yet to come to terms with the fact that Matea will not live, I think before I can tell others I need to come to terms with it myself. I am clearly showing and this makes things difficult. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but it is hard, I want to celebrate but how do you celebrate a life that is going to be cut so short?
I read online yesterday about a few women who chose to have angel showers for their babies (like a baby shower but obviously given the circumstance it would be an angel shower) I really like the idea but I don't know if I would have the strength to go through something like that. Gifts suggested were nice baby photo frames, gift cards to restaurants, massages, spas, a small outfit, booties or cap for the family to have to keep in a memory box....you play games as well...it sounds like something very nice, a way to celebrate the life, but would many people come? Would I even have the strength to go...I guess it is something I can think about over the next few weeks.
I feel so alone most days. Its is common to have a stillbirth and we know because we have our own group in London of families who have went through it. However, having Bi-Lateral Renal Agenesis is much more rare and finding people who have been through the same thing, so much harder. I have yet to meet anyone in person who has even heard of it. Not to mention, show me a mother who has lost both of her babies and still has no living children. I feel they don't exist. It seems everyone who has lost a baby has had a baby before or after their loss and only looses one child, not two. I feel alienated.
I think Matea is afraid of thunderstorms like her mommy. She is normally pretty quiet at night maybe a kick or two but last night during the thunderstorm she was all over the place, I think she was even trying to turn away from the loud noise. It was SO loud and shook the whole house, she was probably wondering what the heck was going on, needles too say her and I were up from 5am-7am in the rocking chair trying to fall back asleep but I loved sitting there playing the poking game with her. She has such a personality, just like her bother did. She is quite active, hopefully on our ultrasounds next week she moves a lot and we can see all of her, or him.
We booked the 3D/4D ultrasound for next Thursday, the 16th. I am so excited. I hope even without fluid we can still see our little baby a bit and maybe even find out if it is a boy or girl. It is nice to have something to look forward to. I'll post the video and pictures as soon as we get them. Were also going to go to the butterfly conservatory while were over that way. The 3D/4D place we are going to is not in London so day trip for us. I am going to call it an early night, up early and no sleep makes for a sleepy mama.
I get that some people don't understand our decision to carry Matea to term but I don't get why they have to be so critical and try to make us feel bad. For one thing, it's not your decision to make and unless you have been in this exact situation you really have no right to say anything. Unless you know the decision we have had to made then you really have no opinion or do you have a right to say anything when you don't know.
Common questions I get that some of you may want to ask yourselves:
1.Why are you carrying to term? My husband and I made the decision before we were pregnant that we would never end our child's life unless it could greatly affect my health. We believe each baby is a gift from God and we don't feel it is our choice to end our child's life nor do we want to. Our baby has a strong heartbeat, our baby has a brain, our baby has a personality, our baby kicks and hiccups and loves to be kissed, our baby is a human being with a soul (some may disagree but I don't care to hear) this is what we believe and this is what our decision is based upon. We love our baby and will fight for our baby. We will never give up on our baby because no parent would ever give up on a sick child they have been told would die, whether in the womb or already living. As a parent you do what is best for your child and you fight for your child and that is what we are doing. We choose to believe that there is still a very small chance of hope that a miracle will be granted by God and we are putting our faith into his hands. He will decide when it is time for Matea to join Ty in Heaven (or help her grow a kidney and live) and until then we continue to pray for a miracle and enjoy our little girl while we have her. It is amazing how much you can get to know a child in the womb. Having said that, I do not criticize anyone who chooses to terminate or induce early, that is their own decision and I pray for them since they even had to make that extremely difficult decision. Every situation is different and everyone's choices are made in their best interest and what I mentioned above is just our personal choice. Even if you have been in the situation it is not right to tell others their decision is wrong, no one can really say anything unless you are us and no one is so I understand if you don't get our decision or don't agree with it but please keep those comments to yourself. This is about my husband and I and our choice, our journey with our Sweet Matea and our faith in God that he does have a plan for her. We know the value of 9 months having lost our son an we look forward to the 9 months we have with our daughter and would not change that at any point.
2. Won't your baby suffer? This is a question that really bothers me, people telling us that our baby will suffer. We have been guaranteed by the doctors that Matea will never suffer, if she is born living she will NOT suffer. Think of it like this, many old people on their death beds are provided medical comforts to help them ease any pain they may or may not be in and to just genreally make them more comfortable and peaceful, this is the same kind of care provided to any infant born that may struggle. They are given comfort care so that they never feel any pain or discomfort. Matea will be given the same so NO she will not suffer at all. All she will ever know is love and happiness and comfort. The fact that we may be blessed with holding our daughter while she passes is frightening enough we do not need people telling us it will be in vain. You don't know so don't try to tell me she will. I'm pretty sure doctors know more then anyone and they, as well as others who have been through this, have told us the babies do not suffer and I truly believe God would never let her suffer. If you think so, so be it but I don't care to hear about it.
3. Will this be like a normal pregnancy? Well in one sense no, our baby is not expected to live so it is very different then a "normal" pregnancy. However, I am still pregnant and have all the joys of being pregnant, the morning sickness, the hip pain, the headaches, the water retention and swelling, the weight gain, the growing belly etc....my body does not know my baby will not survive so it is still in full pregnancy mode. Because I am still in full pregnancy mode and I choose to believe there is a small chance of Matea living, I will continue to live as though she will live. I will take my prenatal vitamins, I will eat healthy, I will get a little exercise (I am limited due to my placenta) I will not drink (though I don't anyways) just becasue my daughter is not expected to live does not mean I should give up, I'll never give up. I am still pregnant and will live as so.
4. What causes this condition? As of right now it is just a "fluke" I hate that word because that's why we lost Ty too, it seems we have really shitty luck when it comes to having our own kids. However, we did have genetic testing done and they are re-looking into Ty's case and will test Matea once she is born to see if there is an underlying problem that could have caused it. But as of right now, there is nothing my husband or I did or didn't do, these things just happen (I hate saying that because this is now our second loss) No one really knows what causes Bi-Lateral Renal Agenesis, other then a possible genetic link but more or less, it's just something that for some reason at that point between week 5-7 the kidneys do not get the signal to grow. The cells just do not form.
5. Is my life at risk? At the moment no. Carrying Matea will not put my life in danger. I am at risk of getting anything that every pregnancy gets (preeclampsia, early labour etc) but I am not at greater risk then anyone else. My placenta is low right now (placenta previa) and that may lead to a problem but whether I would deliver now or later does not really change that outcome. All it means is that I may need a c-section to control the bleeding after the baby is born. But carrying Matea will not change that outcome, the only thing that will change is if the placenta moves up (which we are praying for so we can have a natural delivery) or if it moves even lower down. That is the only concern at the moment. It may lead to a blood transfusion or a hysterectomy but it makes no difference when I deliver Matea. It is a chance I am wiling to live with to get to hold my living baby girl in my arms.
6. What can I do to help? Right now there isn't too much. We are asking everyone to pray for a miracle and help her grow a kidney but if God chooses to take her we are praying for my placenta to move up and give us a few hours with her on earth before she joins Ty in Heaven. Sending cards letting us know you are thinking about is is always welcome. Reading our blog to stay updated (it's much easier to write on here so everyone can read then repeating ourselves daily) Be willing to listen to us when we are having a hard time. Help us enjoy our pregnancy. Talk about our pregnancy and about Matea (you all know we love talking about our children) Help us prepare for her birth and anytime we may have with her. Celebrating the time we have with her and doing everything we can to make memories. We will need help afterward (especially if I have a c-section) so possibly start thinking about how to help after, preparing meals, helping clean, taking care of groceries or laundry, anything we need and don't let us say no.
Also, try not to ignore our situation, we deal with it head on every day and are choosing to try to celebrate and enjoy it. I don't like when people look at my belly and get this look of sadness on their face, say something, talk about it we know people have questions, feel free to ask them but we do ask that you keep your opinions to yourself. We are blessed to have become pregnant again after loosing our son and we are choosing to cherish every moment we have with our daughter so cherish it with us. If there are things in your every day life that remind you of Ty or Tea, take pictures and send them our way. I'd love to know how people are reminded of our children.
Speaking of children, Matea has a very big appetite so I need to go feed her. I'm sorry if this blog offends anyone or is a bit harsh but that's the reality of this situation. All we ask is that we have support, whether you understand our decision or not, whether you agree with our situation or not, keep the negativity to yourself, we don't need that, we are trying to stay as positive as we can and we ask that others do the same. This is a very hard road for us but it is one we were given to follow and will gladly accept it. Here's to every little kick, hiccup and moment we have with our daughter, a time to truly cherish and be thankful for.
We spent the night away last night, we went to my husband's sisters wedding. I wasn't looking forward to spending the night because I don't like to be away from home right now, I had the same problem after we lost Ty. Needless to say, I bought Ty and Tea with us, in the most logical sense that they can be brought with us. Though Tea can actually physically still come with us but Ty more in spirit. (Picture below) They were enjoying the view from our room. We ended up getting an upgrade because our a/c didn't work in the first room and being 6 months pregnant in humid hot weather is not happening.
Walking around the grounds looking at the pond.
All dressed up for the wedding.
Things were going okay, it was hard to see the babies and pregnant women, I cannot stand pregnant women right now. I don't like how blissful and ignorant they are I just want to slap some sense into them and tell them babies do die. I know it's not my place but it upsets me and makes me angry that some people can have children so easily and not know how blessed they are and take it for granted when others have multiple losses, as a mother who has had to bury two children let me tell you, things happen so be thankful for every moment you get with your baby, even in the womb.
The other thing that really bothered me was the speeches, so help me God if one more person talked about being a mother or father or having children I would have lost it. It was so hard to sit there and be harassed with that kind of vocabulary. I tried to ignore it but it was impossible, I got teary eyed and had to bite my lip hard not to start crying because I knew, I felt if I started it would not stop and I would be sobbing and have to leave and people would be looking at me like I was crazy. At least most of the people there knew our situation but it still was hard so at the next break we went back up to the room for a bit and I just laid down and held my Ty and my Sweet Pea.
Matea enjoyed herself, she liked the food (especially the chocolate cake) and seemed to like the music. She has been kicking like crazy. The doctors said she may not move as much due to the lack of fluid but she is as active as Ty was and I love it. I love to sit and rub my belly and poke her back when she kicks and start a little game.
It was just hard emotionally, I felt so many things yesterday all I wanted was for Matea to be okay. My sinuses were horrible and I got bit by a horsefly and today I have a lack of sleep hangover. No more 1am nights for me! I just want to find joy in doing things. All I feel like doing is sitting at home on my butt in front of the TV but I know that is not good, we have gone out and I have enjoyed a few things but it's hard to enjoy anything anymore. I guess I should hold onto the things that I do enjoy and make sure to do them a lot.
I do know I look forward to getting a new laptop, I cannot take this one anymore. For as much as I am online and doing things, the time has come to retire the Gateway and move onto an HP and hopefully get rid of these headaches. They have been really bad with this pregnancy.
So Maury is on my TV at the moment (not my choosing) my husband is bored and wanted to watch drama and of course it is about paternity tests. It really pisses me off. Some 21 year old has 5 kids, the oldest being 5 and is being tested for a 6thchild. I mean really? How come it is so easy for some people to pop out children like tic tacs (usually the ones who cannot care or provide for their children) and the ones who deserve it, want it so badly and can provide can’t? How is that fair, I don’t get it. My husband and I would lovingly take in one of those children. They fight over whether or not these children are “theirs” do they not realize how blessed they are to even have a child in their life, do they not realize some people struggle to bring a child into their life, even one that is not biologically theirs? Seriously people….
I also wonder who lets their child run around the neighbourhood trying to kill birds. There was some kid at our neighbours house this morning (our neighbours weren’t there) and he was trying to jump up and knock down the birds nest, when that wasn’t successful he started throwing rocks then bricks at the house, we were going down to say something because we didn’t want him to hurt the birds or ruin their house but an older lady was walking by and dealt with the situation very nicely. She was very patient with him and he stopped thankfully.
Today was….full of information. I have to start by saying I am extremely grateful to Jen B. for crocheting our Sweet Pea outfit (Picture below) I don’t know if she realizes ho much it means to us but it is absolutely perfect. I LOVE it, it is so perfect in every way, crocheted with love just for our Sweet Pea. I cannot wait to take pictures of Matea in it, they are going to look so nice. My husband and I are so thankful to have this outfit, it may not seem like a lot to anyone else but it means so much to us. So thank you Jen.
Onto the genetics appointment. It…went. I didn’t really know what to expect so I wasn’t disappointed maybe pleasantly surprised at everything we discussed. What I guess I thought was we would talk about tests and take care of my husband and I know and the baby once she is born and that would be it but it was so much more. I know our hospital lacked care in dealing with unexpected neonatal or antenatal death (as was our case with Ty) but it sounds like this situation (prenatal hospice per say) they are much better prepared in dealing with it. We are being set up with a lot of doctors and a lot of different people to help us through. We are meeting with a social worker who deals specifically with fatal prognosis in a fetus and parents who choose to carry despite the outcome preparing birth plans, being the liaison between doctors and delivery room nurses and making sure everyone and everything is in place. We also can request an isolated room so were not near women having healthy babies and if I have to have a c-section if there aren’t private room on the mat ward then they will switch me to the ob floor. They are there to make our experience everything we want and support us so I am thankful we made the appointment, this was the support from the medical community we wanted and now we will get it. They still need a lot of work on the unexpected death aspect which we intend on being a part of. They are going to get us the contacts of the people to talk to about helping with that aspect, setting something up, telling us who we can contact to donate our memory boxes too. We need to figure out with the merger what their memory boxes include though I know there are a few things that they do not include that we thought we may want to, ie: lotion and soap incase they want to bathe the baby, two teddy bears, one for baby and one for mama, an outfit to bury the baby in incase they don’t have one or want to dress the baby, things that I know they don’t supply.
But back to the doctors. They are going to take a look back into Ty’s chromosomes and perhaps do further testing on his skin or blood and look for anything specific with kidneys or anything else. They will have our chromosomal blood tests in two weeks so we’ll go back to discuss that but they seem to think it was just another fluke accident. That makes me a bit angry, they pretty much (they didn’t really say this, but it’s how I felt) that we just have shitty luck when it comes to having our own kids. They will help us through though with all the planning and testing and if we do decide to try again they will be doing a lot more earlier on and following us closely. There was a lot discussed and I’m glad my husband was there, he was full of questions and was able to focus on what they were saying. There was just so much we talked about, not a lot can be done until they can test the baby, but for now they can test us and get that out of the way with. The ladies were both really nice, I remember the counselor from the day we found out about Matea and the doctor we met with was really nice and compassionate, I guess because they deal with this a lot more often they are use to being more compassionate. The OB’s focus on medical aspects (which I understand and am thankful for, especially with the issue with my placenta) and the genetics and social workers are more on the compassionate side of things so it sounds like our overall care will be great and if we decide to try again we will also get better care at that point. So it was a good day at the doctors. I’m glad to know we will be receiving great care this time around, just need to work on promoting better care of the unexpected situations (as was our case with Ty)
We went to the mall afterwards to pick up a gift for a wedding and as we were sitting eating I almost lost it for some reason, I tried so hard to fight back the tears and I was able to but it was just an overwhelming sense of sadness. My husband got up to go to the bathroom and I got so panicky and felt like I was going to pass out it was scary. We also picked up a green preemie outfit incase it does turn out to be a boy (picture below) they had blue and brown but I liked the green much better. I found a few local stores that have much cheaper preemie outfits so I’m going to buy a few outfits and we’ll get a blanket for a boy and stuffed animals as well. I just want to be well prepared.
Tomorrow we are going away for the night for a wedding, it’s not far out of the city so I’m not as nervous about the traveling but I really do not like being away for the night from our cats. Right now they are the only babies we have and I feel I need to protect them at all possible costs so going away for the night for me is hard.
Our next appointment with ultrasound is on the 14th. I look forward to it, I want to ask the doctor about the pain when walking and all these headaches (I’m pretty sure because of the horrid allergy situation this year and mine are normally horrid every year, my sinuses are so swollen and hydrasense is not cutting it this time around) but I want to make sure it’s not something else. Hoping my placenta has moved up since then. We want a natural birth if possible. There’s so much to think about still….I guess we better start writing stuff out incase baby is here before we are ready.
P.S. There is a new ultrasound picture of our little Skelly (it’s of her little head) under Pictures
An extra outfit in case Matea is a boy, hopefully we'll know for sure before we deliver but just in case.
Our perfect Sweet Pea outfit, I LOVE IT!
So our trip to Toronto went alright. I was very nervous all day so of course my subconscious was acting up making me think I was in pain, well I mean I was in pain from walking, I get so sore from walking these days, Matea's weight really pulls on my stomach muscles. But my "kidneys" were sore, I had a bad headache, everything because I was so nervous. The day was enjoyable though, we picked up a lot of things at Ikea to redecorate our house a bit, upgrade from the boyfriend/girlfriend Goodwill days to the married couple Ikea days. The hardest part of Ikea was of course walking through the children's section. I have walked through so many times imaging what I would decorate my children's rooms with, I even bought Ty's bedset from there so it was hard to go through yet again and still not "need" anything, just hopes and dreams is all I got. I wanted to get a hooded towel (picture below) for myself but we decided to wait, gives us a reason to go back.
After Ikea we headed downtown Toronto to grab some food before the game. We went to a place across from the Skydome (Roger's Centre) that had really good ribs and Stephen treated himself to a Lindt Ice Cream Cake slice (I did indulge in a bit of it) We headed to the game to meet his dad and we did some shopping at the Blue Jays store. I have been looking for something particular for a Father's Day gift but I have yet to find it. I also wanted to get something for Tea but since we aren't sure on the gender anymore I couldn't get as much as I wanted too so we got a stuffed blue Jay (picture below) She seemed to really like the game (or the fact I was finally resting) and was kicking like crazy through the whole game, though I think she fell asleep like everyone else during the top of the 3rd when it was the longest inning ever. So all in all it was an okay day. I am glad I forced myself to go but it wasn't easy. I did have a lot of anxiety all day but Tea let me know she was okay. Today was a day of rest and redecorating. I'm so tired today so not a lot of emotions going on. I'm nervous about tomorrow, we meet the genetic counselor and someone else (I don't remember who) and I'm worried what they are going to say or want to do. They did schedule another full scan ultrasound on June 14th to check the status of things and see where my placenta is. I am having a hard time scheduling the 3D/4D ultrasound but I hope I am able to soon, I really want to see our baby better. I want to see a change, I want to see fluid, I want to see kidneys, I want things to be okay. I guess we may have more answers tomorrow at the counselors.....I probably won't sleep much tonight, I'm just to nervous.