We went to Ribfest last night and the babe got to enjoy some delicious ribs....mm...and some Yogen Fruiz. It was a very nice night, beautiful weather, great company, good conversation, interesting people watching...it was such a nice break for a few hours from this roller coaster we are on. Not much else to say about last night or today but there was something very sweet that happened last night (and no it was NOT the lady at Yogen Fruiz forgetting about my frozen yogurt, what is it with people forgetting a pregnant ladies food? This is not the first time it has happened, do people not know to not get in the way of a pregnant woman and her food?) Anyways, we had just bought desert and went to sit down in front of one of the bandstands. As I sat down the band on stage started playing a very special song. Out of the millions of songs in this world they decided to play Jacob's song. It took all my strength not to break down and cry. It was so special, I mean really, millions of songs in this world and they choose to sing You Are My Sunshine. This is Jacob's song, I sing it to him every night just before bed and as I sat there they were playing Jacob's song. I don't believe in coincidences anymore but I do believe Ty sends us special messages and this could not be more clear. It was just so sweet to sit there and listen to Jacob's song. It was sang just for him. Out of the 4 day festival, the 12 hours a day they are open, the large park with many seats, the 5 or 6 bandstands, all the songs they could have chosen, they sang Jacob's song at that very moment. It meant so much to me and he certainly liked it as he was kicking away during it. It's moments like that, that I cherish so much. It's really about the small things in life. Thank you for this special moment, I will cherish it forever.
There has been something on my mind for a few days now, since Monday actually. My message from God that day was about opening my ears to listen for a very special message from God on that day. It said God had a very special message for me that he was waiting to send me that day. The only thing said on Monday I can even remember is the neonatologist telling us about the case he had seen where a baby was born with no kidneys and no fluid (near term) and their lungs were fine. For some reason that message struck me and has been on my mind since. I can't help but feel that was God's special message to me. The neo brought it up kind of out of the blue and said it quickly then went on to something else. It was like it was meant to be said to me at that very time. I am taking that as my special message from God on that day. I know with God anything is possible and it is nice to see messages from him to reassure me. I struggle sometimes with hope and faith as it is all new to me, not that I have ever given up hope or faith, if I had I wouldn't be where I am with my faith today. No one can really deny that fact that a higher power is healing our baby. There is no medical or scientific explanation so what does that leave? God.
We met with our social worker today (one of a few) and it was really nice just to talk about everything. She herself is religious so it's comforting to be able to talk about religion in our situation. I think, by the sounds of it, because of our case, how they diagnose it in the future will change. I guess we make the doctors nervous. They should be though. We didn't like how they told us to terminate or induce early and I think before they offer lethal diagnosis again in the future, they will reassess a week or two later. It's just so amazing how our little one is already making a huge difference in this world and he's not even here yet. Just think of all he can do when he arrives. Because of him things will change. Because of Ty things are changing. Our babies were here only a short time but the impact that have had here on earth is immense. Can you imagine how much of a change Jacob will make if he lives? Like I said, he already is making himself known and I can only imagine what it will hold for the future. We get a lot of our strength from our boys, they have taught us so much and we continue to learn from them. God is working on a miracle and I cannot wait to share him with the world. We want to make a difference and God is making that possible for us. He is giving us the tools to get us going. Whatever the outcome we will make it through.
On a random note I have been EXHAUSTED lately. I just cannot seem to get enough sleep. I go to bed at 9 and wake up at 8 and still can take 2 hour naps during the day. I guess it's the third trimester sleeps setting in. Another thing with this pregnancy that has been different (minus the fact I don't have kankles this time) I have been soooo itchy. They are testing me for a condition some pregnant women can get that involved being very itchy due to liver function. I hope it's nothing like that and rather it's just being itchy. I want to keep this baby inside as long as possible to give him the best chance. Which is why I also think giving him the steroid shots right before we deliver may be beneficial. Anything that could help we want to do.
We're off to Ribfest tonight, another treat for our Sweet Pea. He definitely has had his fair share of different yet scrumptious food. Hoping he enjoys it as much as mommy will. Then it's the weekend...more waiting for our next app which is Tuesday next week. I love our weekly appointments and actually after next week it'll be twice a week but I'll be in the hospital by then anyways. That will be interesting. I have never been away from my family (especially Milo) so it'll be tough being alone (even though I will have visitors it is different) it'll be challenging but at least I can feel at peace that I am doing everything possible to get this little one here alive and healthy. Those should make for some interesting blogs....but I'll have more baby updates then since babe will be getting checked more often. Then I pray in 6 weeks I can announce our miracle baby is here to stay....just taking part in the waiting game now...
On this day of your life, Jessica, we believe God wants you to know ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts. In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall.
Wow...yeah hit that one on the nose today! It's so true and we continue to see things can turn around. Our appointment went well today. Baby passed his bpp with flying colours, 8 out of 8. Seems to be it is looking more and more like a little Jacob nowadays. He had expectational practice breathing (though we know and were told that is no indication of how the lungs will function but we like to think it's a good sign, along with the hiccups) At week 25 there was one 2x2 pocket of fluid at week 28 two 2x2 and this week (31 weeks) there is one 2x2 and one 3x3 so the fluid is slowly accumulating. We are going to meet with the genetics counselor again to discuss the possibility of a chromosomal abnormality and what that may mean for the baby. The lady we saw today said it didn't appear to be a horseshoe kidney but rather that there were two kidneys and they don't know what happened so the baby will need genetic testing. It doesn't change anything for us, even if our baby has some medical issues we still will love him unconditionally and do everything we can for him. Of course the baby could come out and be perfectly okay as well.....no one knows. Well one person knows, but he is keeping it a surprise for us. I just pray he continues to work on our miracle baby. The baby has turned head down (yah, please stay that way) so next week my placenta gets re-checked along with the baby's growth, the kidneys (before we go to see the Nephrologist) and the usual bpp with doppler. Then the week after that it is the hospital for me. Oh we also talked about steroid shots and are going to hold off unless the baby is going to come before 36 weeks. This is such a huge debate everyone has a different opinion no one can really give us an answer. If the baby is going to be born early we will get them but if the baby is going to be born at 37 weeks, like the plan, then we will see about getting them then. They say it won't do much but I'd feel a heck of a lot better if we had them. They said it won't hurt the baby so why not? Just one more thing we can do. I know they don't generally give them after week 34 but our case is not "general" by any means. I say we try if we can closer to the delivery date. Again, we asked a lot of questions half of them I don't remember probably because they really cannot explain what is going on or how the baby will do once born...it's just a waiting game now. But I am very thankful our little keeps fighting and being strong as we are for him as well. More fluid today can only be a god sign and a strong session of practice breathing....it has to mean things may be okay. I know they can be, God will choose to give us a miracle baby if he sees fit (praying he does) We have 6 more weeks left until we meet our baby (who still really is hiding his self...or her...most likely boy now though) So no answers today but good news...at least we consider it good news, they can tell us all they want it's not indication of anything but I really fail to believe that, they don't know God's strength or power....Thank you God. Little one...keep fighting and we will keep fighting for you. Love you Sweet Pea
Today we went and had some belly pictures taken. We never did this with Ty and it was one thing I regretted so we made sure to do it this time. I have to give a huge thanks to Trish Roberts and the NILMDTS organization for taking our precious photos in such a sensitive matter. I cannot wait to see them. From what we saw they look amazing. This organization is truly special and all they do for families who loose babies is so meaningful. Check them out http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/
We went for a hike today since it was BEAUTIFUL outside. It was so peaceful to get out and get some air but boy am I paying for it now. There weren't many hills but I think my body thinks that one was enough. We went to Komoka Provincial Park, which is where we spent many days hiking there after we lost Ty and today reminded me of it so it was bittersweet. But it did feel good to get out and enjoy nature. We haven't been able to do much as I have been resting so it was a nice break.
Not much else to say today. Dr's app tomorrow with a sub doctor since ours is gone. Long list of questions but super excited to see our Sweet Pea and watch him wiggle all over and BREATHE and maybe expose himself some more so we can be sure....I love these visits. I do get extremely anxious right before I go in that they won't be able to find a heartbeat but this little one is good about moving so it is very reassuring. Hopefully we have more good news tomorrow.....grow Sweet Pea grow and pee and breathe.
Well I'll start of by saying whatever gender our baby turns out to be they will be clothed! I was on a mission to find used applecheeks diapers this morning (it failed) but one of the places I stopped (Once Upon a Child) had a clearance going on with racks full of clothes for $1....let's just say that I got a sweet deal on a whole wardrobe for a girl and some more for a boy. At least our baby will have clothes to wear, maybe not diapers but clothes. It seems impossible to find used cloth diapers (the covers not the linings) I found some ladies in Ottawa that can ship them to me for about half price but it'll take a whole lot of trust because its on Kijiji. I figure it's only a few dollars if not...but I would hope most people on there are trustworthy. So I have to order them from other cities and have them shipped here. I guess no one in London uses them or sells them other then Cheeky Monkey. I may have to look for a few other brands as well to supplement the fact we can't get that many but I know we are going with cloth because we did a cost comparison and for regular diapers for a year is about $1600 and for a full time set of cloth is about $400....so we'll save at least $1200. Of course once I start to do it (we do not have a washer and dryer so it will be cleaned by hand) I may find it is very time consuming and have to do part time. But it'll still save some money.
Okay now to our appointment. We had an appointment with the medical director for the NICU. We were hoping to have some questions answered but really all we got was....well it will depend on what happens when the baby gets here. The nice thing was he did take us on a tour of the NICU and show us where the baby would be brought and the machines that would be used. He explained about the different machines for the lungs and if the baby needs dialysis then it would be on a different floor but he told us about the IV's and monitoring and all that kind of medical stuff. No mater if I have a vaginal or c-section I will be in one of the operating rooms because it is right next to the resuscitation room so we'd need direct access to that given our situation. Stephen can go with the baby right after it is born and be with the baby at all times. We decided to have the lungs tested first to see if there is any chance they can survive, if so then we agreed to do everything else after that but we didn't want our baby to be unnecessarily poked and prodded if the lungs have no chance. We saw the resuscitation room and the NICU room the baby would be brought too. We actually saw all the NICU rooms (level 1, 2 and 3) and all the special machines. I have to say it took ALL my strength not to break down and cry. To see those helpess little babies (there were babies there so tiny and fragile) broke my heart, to see all the scary looking medical machines knowing our baby may need to be in one (actually we were told he would be for observation given everything that has happened) scared me, I'm so scared for our little one. It was a shock to see everything but I am glad I did now so we know what to expect. We saw a baby with a breathing machine (ventilator) so we know what it looks like and yes it still will be hard seeing our baby but at least we know what it will look like. I keep praying our baby beats all the odds and doesn't need any ventilator assistance. Some light oxygen is okay but I pray the lungs are fine.
He did mention one case a long time ago where the baby had NO kidneys and the lungs were okay so it gave me a small sight at a chance. Of course with God anything is possible, I know this but it is a very hard balance. I forgot to ask about fetal hiccups. I wanted to know if it was an indication about lung development. Our baby gets them a lot! We didn't get to see where the baby would be brought if the kidneys needed dialysis but at 34 weeks we meet with the pediatric kidney specialist to discuss everything with them. I don't have many questions for them because I know we have to wait and see what level of function the kidneys have (through ultrasound and blood tests about a day or two after the baby is born)
One thing the neonatologist did mention was that he recommends NOT getting the steroid shots. I have read and heard so many good things about them this was a hard one for me to hear but he of all people would know. He said he recommends not doing it to give the lungs the best chance at developing. From what our OB told us it does make a bit of sense because the shot doesn't develop the lungs it helps the transition between womb and breathing in oxygen so he was going to talk to our OB about this and let him know his thoughts. I guess we may be on board with no shots if it means it'll stop the lung development, unless I have to deliver before 34 weeks. So no shots now......
I usually feel better after talking to the doctors but not today. Honestly I think it was because we saw even more reality of what may happen. The NICU tour was very hard emotionally, I just pray we won't need any of the fancy medical machines and the baby can be in the level 1 NICU. But it was tough to see all of that. It did give me some hope, again I always have hope and lots of it because God is on my side, but its a hard balance. To know some of those babies were born at 22 weeks and ours won't be born until 37, I just pray our baby is okay. I don't see how he can't be. I guess the other thing was he couldn't really answer our questions because like we know, we won't know anything until the baby is born. I guess now we can think of some things to ask the kidney specialist and prepare a few more things (I may sterilize the bottles today and get those ready) and just keep doing what we are doing. Praying, praying, praying....praying that the kidneys keep working and improving and that the lungs continue to develop so when our baby is born we can show everyone our miracle baby. A true miracle baby, only healed with the help of God.
So many questions still...the NICU tour was helpful and I am thankful we got it before hand (maybe I won't be as shocked) but it was so hard to see....so many emotions today, I think I just need to sit in a nice cool bath and cry. Today feels like a crying kind of day. We will keep doing everything we possibly can to give our baby the best chance and that's all we can do for now. Please keep praying for our miracle.
Today has been an emotional day which I find interesting because yesterday was such an uplifting day. I had so much positivity yesterday then I got up this morning and my heart hurt so much. But, I know as well as the next grieving person, grief emotions change daily, hourly, even from minute to minute, that's the life we live. There was nothing in particular about today that made me sad. I've just been thinking so much about everything that is happening and everything that is going to happen. It still scares me to think of what could possibly happen in 6 weeks. I don't want my baby to suffer but we want to give our baby the best chance. We have fought this long and hard and we will not give up. It just scares me not to know what to expect. I cannot prepare for this in any way. All I can do is hope and pray that God continues to heal our baby. I have to keep having faith and believing everything will be okay but it is so hard. There's the faith side where you put all your trust in God's hands but then there's the logical side of my brain that is scared. I sit and think of everything that has happened over the last 12 weeks. We know at 19 weeks there was one small pocket of fluid. We know at 25 weeks there was a small pocket of fluid AND a stomach and a bladder. What happened in between is unknown. I know the baby has had hiccups all along. I know the baby is growing right on track. I know the baby has some fluid and has since 25 weeks....what we don't know is how well the kidneys are functioning or how well the lungs are developing. We don't know what to expect until it happens. It's scary. We meet with the neonatologist on Monday and hopefully he or she can give us some answers about what to expect. Different scenarios about what may happen when we deliver. I hope we can get some answers, not knowing anything is scary. I do not want to have to make split second decisions. I guess what I really want is for our baby to be okay but we won't know until he is born.
It probably was not the best day to get some more baby things out. I've been fighting with this for weeks. How much baby stuff do we get out? I can't bare the thought of putting everything away but then is that me having no hope or having little hope? Or am I just being realistic and trying to protect my heart? Another part of me wants to get everything prepared, to get excited like we did with Ty. My heart is tugging two separate ways and I don't know what to do. We have taken very few things out and today I took a few more things out. I would not like to be in the situation of coming home after a c-section with a perfectly healthy baby and not having anything ready so I got the basic needs out. Maybe as we get closer I will feel more hopeful and get a few more things out but for now just the basics will be out. It was also really hard because it made me think of Ty. It made me think that Ty should be here and he should be using all of his baby things. Instead I was praying to him to let me be able to keep them out, I could not bare the heartbreak of putting all the things away again, to come home empty handed again....I don't know if I can handle it. I mean of course I can but it will be tough. It just really made me miss Ty a lot and looking at all the unused baby things hurt. Then it got me thinking about how everything with this pregnancy just seems like it was meant to be. The fact we only tried once before we got pregnant, the fact we saw and heard the heartbeat before we should have, the fact that there were so many signs pointing to a positive outcome. How could things have gone so horribly wrong at 19 weeks but around 25 weeks start to turn around again? It just seems there is something very powerful working towards our hearts desire (we know it's God) but it is tough. Not only are we grieving Ty still but to grieve for 10 weeks at the thought we were going to loose this baby too then having it turn around and not knowing (which I do prefer over anything) but man it tugs at your heart and your emotions.
Our baby seems so well, kicking all the time, hiccuping, growing on track, flips side to side constantly (which means he has room to move and grow) I just don't see how he won't be okay. Not only that God has his hands upon our baby healing him and Ty is up there watching over his little brother, guiding him a long the way. For 6 weeks now we have seen constant improvement. Yes it has been slow improvements but there still there. Good things are still happening. I know it may mean our baby has some medical issues but we'll take that on any day. Our baby could also come out perfectly okay. I think he agrees because is kicking away. I need to get a video, it's quite cute to see my belly moving all around. Uhhh...such a hard day. My appetite has been crazy lately, I can't seem to eat enough. I was the same way with Ty though right around now (which is why I put on 25 lbs in the last two months) I'm trying to eat as many healthy things as I can because I won't lie...I have had a sweet tooth this time around so I also need to make sure to supplement with healthy things. Speaking of food....I need to go find a snack and then just take some time to breath. Work on Sweet Pea's bring home blanket some more. Sit and feel him kick and hiccup away....God knows my hearts desire is to bring this baby home a live and healthy...I just pray he continues to make that possible.
I'm finding it harder to write lately mainly because my brain is so scattered and fried I can't think of anything. I am functioning on an as needed basis and just hanging in. Not only that, I know our situation is tough on us and a lot of people in our lives. I know people all over the world are praying for our miracle baby and we continue to have amazing support but my mind is elsewhere. It is with close friends and family who are experiencing tough times themselves. I can't help but feel at peace knowing we are truly blessed and knowing the fate of our little Sweet Pea lies in the hands of God now. But my heart breaks knowing what some close friends are going through. From a single mommy friend who needs prayers to secure housing for her and her son, to another single mommy friend who needs prayers because she is about to go to court to get support from her son's father who is not in his life, to a friend and family who need prayers because their daughter is a very special little girl and needs extra help being comfortable in her own body, to another couple who needs prayers for the continuous heartbreak of loosing babies, one biological and one so close to adoption and to a couple I don't know but a friend does that they just found out the baby they are carrying may not survive. Yeah my life is tough right now, we are struggling but we will make it through, like we always do. I know a lot of people say they can't imagine going through anything worse but I know in this world there is a lot worse. Stephen and I are truly blessed and we are thankful for everything we have and all we want is to help others.
We will survive and want to make sure others do as well. There are a lot of people in my life who continue to have their own personal struggles, some without a lot of support who really do need help. Some who may feel like they won't survive and my heart goes out to them. I just want to give them all hugs and let them know things will be okay. I want people to know that they should never give up hope, faith or believing, that they should never stop fighting for the important things in their lives. They should take a few moments each day to "count their blessings". It may be hard but it does ground a person to realize that there is always something good in every bad situation. I know about the devastation in the world, I am thankful we don't suffer hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes (minus a few small rumbles) mudslides, forest fires, tornadoes, bombings, daily threats of terrorism and everything else horrible in this world. I can't imagine the people who do experience disasters who not only loose a large amount of family members (including children) but that loose their homes and belongings too. To be left with nothing, that is far worse off then us. Yes our hearts are broken at the loss of our son Ty and at the uncertainty over this little one but we still have a roof over our head, we have a car to get around, we have food every day to keep us nourished, we have a very loving group of family and friends, God has blessed us with two of the best fur babies ever who truly keep us going, we have an amazing church full of support and guidance, we know we will never be hungry or not able to feed ourselves, we know we will always have a roof over our head (even if something were to happen there's so many people who would take us in) we know we are able to weather the cold and bare the hot, we will survive. I know we will because we have so far and nothing can bring us down. We keep having things thrown at us and we deal with it as they come but I worry about our close friends who don't have that hope or support. Our situation is no worse then theirs, they are different but their still experiencing tough times, some of them need a lot more help then we do. They are constantly on my mind, praying for all of them to find their way in life's struggles. I only wish I could do more to help those in need. I know one day when Stephen and I get back on our feet we will be able to. We will always help those who are less fortunate then us, it is what we do as Christians. We serve our fellow brothers and sisters, it is God's will for us to always remember and help those who need it. So today not only do I ask you to continue to pray for our baby but please say a prayer for all our close friends who are also experiencing difficult times. Stephen and I will survive and we pray we can help those who are not as strong as us.
I can't believe I forgot to bring Kleenex to the Josh Groban concert last night. He didn't sing Ty's song but his voice....it is so powerful and chilling and I did get teary eyed a few times. It was a good show, he's a funny guy. It was interesting to hear him talk, like his voice is so different when he talks then when he sings, it's just inspiring. I really enjoyed my time, it was peaceful to sit there and just listen. Sweet Pea seemed to like it too. Though during the loud songs I think she/he got scared so I tried to cover where her/his ears are so it wouldn't be as loud but I am thankful he/she got to hear a concert in utero. I really don't know what else to say about the concert....his voice makes me speechless.
I had a stillbirth dream about Josh Groban and how him and his wife had just found out the day before the concert about them having a stillbirth baby as well and how he wrote a song for us about loosing a baby and how we became his guiding light ion going through loosing a baby. Strange...but hey, dreaming about Josh Groban is never a bad thing.
We went to cheeky monkey to check out cloth diapers and have narrowed it down to Apple Cheeks and Bummies. Still want to do some more research on both before we decide which to go with and I may be a little crazy for deciding to do cloth with no wash machine but it'll save us money in the long run plus its much better for the environment. We will still have some disposables on hand, especially because it still looks like I may need a c-section...
...Which I say because of our appointment today. Where to start...well what a big BOY you are becoming....yes you gave us a peak today and it is most certainly looking like you will NOT be a Matea but rather a Jacob, we won't know for sure until you are born but the last few ultrasounds we have seen that they guessed the gender on...there looked to be boy parts and today we are pretty sure we saw those boy parts again. Complete shock, I had a feeling it was a girl because this pregnancy has been complete opposite of that with Ty, of course this pregnancy has been different for many reasons but I actually feel good this time around for the most part. We don't really care as long as the baby is healthy and happy. It was kind of fun today that the tec showed us and let us guess. Another funny thing about the tec, as I was walking in she said "you two are here so much we might us well give you a parking pass" and then she continued to tell me how we are very well known in the radiology department because of our case, I guess all the tec's and radiologists have discussed our interesting case. She told me they all want to scan me because of how much has changed since our initial diagnosis, some can't believe it. So we are very well known to many people there....kind of like celebrities or should I say medical mysteries....
Last week they measured one pocket of fluid at 2x2 and this week there are TWO pockets of fluid at least 2x2 so the fluid is slowly increasing meaning there is at least one functioning kidney. They said the MRI didn't show much because the baby was moving a lot (well yeah the loud noise was scaring the poor thing) but they can see one for sure, almost certain they can see 2 (which we saw and confirmed on the ultrasound anyways) they still don't know what happened or how well the kidneys are functioning but like our doctor said, there is more fluid so one has to be doing okay. We won't know until birth. Just like the lungs...but Sweet Pea passed the bpp with flying colours! Threw a few kicks at me, made some squiggles, has turned yet again. He/she keeps flipping side to side just not down but we rather that not happen until I am in the hospital which was discussed with the doctor today and it will be 33 weeks at the latest. I get 3 more weeks of freedom, unless something happens between now and then but the main concern is because of the low fluid we are at higher risk for a cord accident and seeing how we have lost a baby to one, we're very worried so we want to be in the hospital with constant monitoring and our doctor agreed with everything going on I should be. So we are just back to the waiting game.....hoping and praying the little one continues to grow big and strong and that he keeps working on his fluid levels and lungs. I think a nap infront of the ac is in call....
I know I haven't written in a few days. The parental units were up visiting so we were enjoying our time with them. Not only that I haven't had much to say lately...surprising I know! I am just so....in limbo between feelings of hope and faith and sadness and fright. I do feel a bit more hopeful after reading all the good things about fetal hiccups. Sweet Pea has had them since about week 18 and I can't help but think that it has helped his/her lungs develop enough to survive outside the womb. They say it shows an indication of how strong the lungs are and if that is the case then our little one may be okay. Now if we can get more amniotic fluid accumulating so we know the kidneys are functioning much better.....and having the lungs continue to develop. We go to the doctors on Wednesday and were going to talk about me being admitted. I think if the fluid level is still low we want to push for me being in there this week. If the fluid is at normal amounts maybe another week or two at home but by week 32 in the hospital. I know it'll be very hard for me but we want to do everything we can to give the baby the best chance and knowing what happened with Ty, for our sanity we want the baby to be monitored a lot.
Going to a Josh Groban concert tomorrow. As much as I know I will ball, I really hope he sings Ty's song. It'll be nice either way, it would just be more special. I hope Sweet Pea enjoys it. Ty got to enjoy Dave Matthews so Sweet Pea gets Josh Groban. Possibly my last night of freedom before I am committed to the hospital.
I really don't have much else to say. I am still in shock, for someone who is so new to faith our miracle baby is really showing me the power of God and prayer. It is really deepening my faith and I think regardless of the outcome it will have brought me closer to God. I just can't believe what is happening, neither can the doctors though I don't need an explanation I know what's going on :0). But still, preparing for the next 7 weeks we can't really do much. We don't really want to do much. We much rather have a baby for perfectly healthy and have to scramble to get things together then come home with no baby to only have to put things away again. We did decide to go with cloth diapers, now it's just choosing what kind is best. I just think cloth would be better since we'll be at home and it does save money and is good for the environment. Other then that, installing the car seat and setting up the bassinet we aren't going to do anything, oh we do have to wash the sheets for the bassinet but other then that....nothing. I do find myself feeling more hopeful as the weeks go on and we continue to see good news each week...I just fear one of these weeks something will go wrong but I have to trust that it won't. Ohhh...so many things to think about.
Continue to grow strong little one, grow those lungs and those kidneys and we'll keep fighting for you as well, doing everything we can. Mommy and Daddy love you Sweet Pea.
9 months ago at 5:47am our little angel, Tiberius Stephen Nelles, was born weighing 4lbs 7ozs. Our lives have forever been changed in the last 9 months. We have learned so much, lost so much, struggled, triumphed, had many bad days, had few good days. He has been gone as long as he had been with us. Months don't generally bother me but I do expect the one year will be very hard especially depending on what happens in 8 weeks. It just seems so surreal. Sometimes it seems like it all just happened yesterday and other times it seems like it happened years ago. Our journey loosing Ty has been very difficult. We had no indication anything was ever wrong until we went in for our 37 week checkup. I wish I had known, I wish I could have fought for his life like his little sibs. There is so much regret I have with how things were handled afterwords. The emotional needs were not met at the hospital and I left feeling horrible. I'm glad this time around we have great support and know what we want, I wish we didn't have to go through that though. I can only pray God continues to heal our baby so that when our baby arrives he/she will survive and thrive outside the womb.
Today won't be any different then any other day without Ty. His daddy is running in a 5K in remembrance of him. I use to run 5K's and I would have but...well I won't lie. This pregnancy I have been extremely lazy and the baby needs all the rest it can get to grow big and strong so on the sidelines I shall be. I do look forward to seeing our bereaved families group. I always find it comforting to be around people who just get it. We don't have to talk about our kids, though sometimes we do but it is just comforting to be in the presence of people who we don't need to say anything they just know. I am very thankful for the friends we have made through our stillbirth group. People who have gone through exactly what we did with Ty. Grieving Ty has been especially difficult with what we are going through with Sweet Pea. I feel like Ty didn't get the time her deserved, that people were and are so caught up in our miracle baby that they forget all about Ty. We surely never forget about our little angel. I go visit him almost every day. I always think about him, always talk to him, always cry over him, I miss him so much. He was so perfect I'll never understand what happened and I think I am finally coming to peace with that. He has taught us so much about the richness of life. We have become stronger better people because of him. More compassionate, more aware, more caring, more spiritual, closer as a couple, closer as a family, the value of 9 months, the value of life itself, not to take things for granted (which let me tell you was hard sometimes on those blistery cold and 4 foot snow days where we had to shovel ourselves out for many months) He has given me the motivation to help others in need. To help others who go through what we did with him. I want London to have an amazing perinatal bereavement support group. I want mothers and fathers to leave the hospital with all their needs met and fill their arms with memories of their children. We didn't get that and it's what we needed so I want to make sure others do have that which is why we started MemoryTy's. Of course at the moment it is on hold as we have other things to love on for 2 more months but I have every intention of being known at the hospital, not for the mom who lost a baby and maybe two but for the mom who is making a difference in the lives of other grieving parents. I always disliked talking in front of people but Ty has given me the strength to talk about our experience to help others because it means so much to me. Plus I just love talking about him most of the time anyways.
Ty is an amazing big brother watching out for his little sib, asking God to heal him/her. He is an amazing guardian angel watching over our family and giving us signs to let us know he is always with us. We can't deny that he is still a huge part of our life and always will be. He continues to give us strength (with the help of God) to get on because I don't think you ever "move on". I will never stop grieving Ty, I will never stop thinking about Ty, I will never stop loving Ty, I will never stop missing Ty, I will always wonder, year after year, what he would have been like, what he would have found interesting and who he would turn out like. I feel like when people move on they leave things behind and I am surely never going to leave Ty behind. He will always be with me deep inside my heart.
3 more months until his one year and again, our lives will change drastically whether God decides to heal our baby completely and bring him/her home or if he brings our Sweet Pea up to Heaven. I have already started to think about Ty's one year. I know for sure I am baking a carrot cake (Ty LOVED veggies and fruit so I find carrot cake suiting) we also want to buy enough flowers to put one on every grave in the children's section he is in and we want to write messages on balloons and release them to him. I'm sure we will have a picnic too not only for Ty but because October 15th is (and hopefully will be recognized nationally in Canada soon) Perinatal and Infant loss remembrance day. I don't know if we will have a large celebration, I do feel like I want to because we never celebrated Ty's short life and I want to give him that respect. But given we do not know what will happen during the next 8 weeks maybe we'll keep it a bit quieter for that day. I also would like to take some things to the hospital to donate to their memory boxes until we can start to fill ours.
Ty also brought me to God, well closer too and more deeply then I have ever been and I am very thankful for that because even during these hard times it is the one thing I can still peaceful about. I love Sundays, not only do we get to go to church and see our parish and all the caring people, we get to praise God for all the good he has done (and there is a lot, Stephen and I are truly still very blessed) but it's also family day. We always go to Remark afterwords ( a small more produced base grocery store with a deli and bakery section) but on Sunday they have samples...mmm...so good. We usually buy Ty a flower and then go visit him. Remark has had a lot of Blue flowers lately and I think the deer prefer those because the last few times we have gone back the next day and they have been eaten. We don't mind of course because it means someone came to visit him. We love when the deer come by for a visit. Once we get his headstone installed we are going to build a little garden for him in front of his grave. I can't wait to see what his headstone looks like. I designed it myself and want to see how it turns out. I think it'll be perfect for our little angel. We're hoping to have it installed before his birthday and do some fundraising in the meantime because just so you all know, headstones are not cheap. But they are so worth it. His little cross with his name on it is doing him no justice.
I could go on and on about Ty, about how my pregnancy with him was very challenging as I was sick with EVERY side effect known to pregnant women. I was miserable and all I wanted to do was meet our little guy. I can no longer eat sweet potatoes because of him, which now is a funny story, not so much at the time. I have so many good memories of him and a perfect birth story. He took it very easy on me and made giving birth one of the most cherished events in my life. It was so peaceful and invigorating and powerful. I would do it all over again (of course the epidural may have helped) It only took 12 beautiful hours for him to be born and with only two pushes before our angel made his way from earth back to Heaven. I will never forget him and I hope others don't as well. Stephen and I love to talk about him and I hope people don't shy away from that. I know it makes people nervous because they may upset us but I can tell you I am already upset I lost my son and talking about him makes me smile and remember the good times. Yes I may cry but there tears of good memories.
And now that I have talked about Ty (though like I said I could go on and on) I am going to go lay down and see if I can get Sweet Pea to move abit more. Back to her/his normal movements. I am so scared.....8 more weeks....
My husband said something very interesting to me the other day and it has been on my mind ever since. We were talking about the baby and our situation (like we have a life other then that right now) but he said, with our son Ty every test we had showed he was perfectly okay, test after test didn't show any indication there was anything wrong and we ended up loosing him. This time, every test has shown some unknowns, they have shown indications that the baby may not survive so wouldn't it be nice it if was opposite and this baby did survive? Well of course it would be nice, it would be a miracle, only God can give us a miracle baby. I have been praying for him to continue healing our baby. I hope when we go in next Wednesday there is even more fluid so that will indicate the kidneys are most likely functioning at capacity and it'll be one less thing to worry about. Of course the main concern is still the lungs and I pray that when the baby is born he/she is born screaming and crying as they told us it is a good indication that the lung status is not severe. Of course they also said if the baby comes out and doesn't make any noises it doesn't necessarily mean anything either. I think we are going to ask the doctor to have me admitted at 30 weeks (next week after our Josh Groban concert) I want the baby to be monitored, especially at night which is when we are almost certain we lost Ty. Wednesday seems so long away. One week ahhh!!! How am I going to stay sane? It's good I have distractions (my parents) here this weekend until Monday that will make the time go by faster and there's always church and my favourite day Sunday and an animal adoption fundraiser Saturday and maybe even some open houses...who knows??? It's just getting through Thursday and Friday. Friday night my husband is running a 5K so I'll be busy cheering him on. I also set up the bassinet and prayed I don't need to put it away for a third time anytime soon! We have to get a piece of wood to put under the mattress for the breathing sensor. If our baby is born living and survives I am going to be a nut case about germs because I know I am going to worry about the lungs. I know I'm also going to be terrified when the baby is sleeping but hopefully the monitor gives me a bit more piece of mind. We did set the bassinet up right beside our bed so I'll be right next to the baby but he/she won't be in bed with us.
I really think I am starting to get BH contractions. It just feels like growing pain more then BH sometimes though. It could be pain from the stretch marks too or because I hurt my lower back. This is why I just need to be in the hospital I am going to freak over every little thing. I won't ever be able to rest thinking something is wrong.
I'm starting to get the final things together in case I do have to go to the hospital. We went and talked about life insurance today. We had talked about it with Ty but since he went to Heaven we decided to wait and now knowing our baby may live, it'll be a good idea to have. We also got another piece of board to put in the bassinet to keep the sensor pad sturdy. Were just taking care of the safety things for the baby right now, everything else will have to wait. I just cannot get it all back out only to have to put it away again. I asked God to not make me put the bassinet away anytime soon, praying we'd need it. I did pack a baby bag for the hospital now that we know we may need it.
Something interesting I keep thinking about. My husband was born two months premature due to a severe infection and they did not expect him to live through the night but obviously he did and is here now and is a perfect example of a miracle. I only pray God continues miracles in our family. I think it would be so nice to have a family of living miracles. Like father like son or daughter. I'd be okay with that!
I wish I could camp out at the cemetery. I find so much peace being there. I just love to sit in the cool sunny weather under a tree looking at Ty's grave and rubbing my belly. It's the same kind of peace I feel being in church. I just feel so...relaxed and relieved.
I know this post is all over the place but that is where my brain is at today. I am exhausted, I'll probably take a nap before the hubbie gets home with a dinner surprise. But I just feel so all over the place. I think I've felt every emotion ever today. When we went to talk about life insurance my husband told them our story, only he could go that in depth. I was fine with it since he was talking about it but it is tiring to think about all we have been through, how have we survived? Tomorrow is also an important day in our grieving and the blog will be dedicated to that. I just feel so out of it today, all over the place, worrying...ahhhh.....
Sweet Pea has been taking my breath away lately. Literally, pushing on my lungs and my chin chunk is making it hard to breath. My hips have also been getting worse, hurting during the day now too but it is all worth it. To know we even have a slight chance to bring our baby home (though we think there's a greater chance then they told us) it is all worth it. Even if we only get a few moments, it is all worth it. But now I must go my eyes are closing....
One thing I didn't mention yesterday that has been on my mind, while I was waiting for my ultrasound a young girl came in, maybe 14 or 15, by herself looking so afraid and she was looking for the abortion clinic. This s something I would not have cared about before but it caused two strong emotions in me. First of all I felt so bad for her, my heart hurt, so young, so alone so afraid not knowing what to do I just wanted to give her a hug but then it also caused me to feel a bit of anger...well no not anger but I don't know how to explain it. I wanted to take her aside and tell her to give the baby the best chance that there are many people out there who cannot have babies and want to adopt and to give them that chance (obviously because this is where my husband and I stand right now it means a lot to me) I just felt so bad for her. I always see younger moms there and feel bad for them. I'm sure they don't have much support and I can't imagine what they are thinking or going through. Whatever their decision, I pray God gives them strength. I cannot imagine being that young and going through that.
Something else I also noticed which makes me laugh. Maybe this is because I have worked with children I know better but sometimes I don't think parents are all that...smart? Every time we go to clinic (which is at least once a week) there seems to be mothers there with older children who are expecting again but what I don't get is they bring nothing for their older children to do, no colouring books, no books, no toys, or anything and these kids run around because their so bored then their parents yell at them because their running all over, why don't parents bring things for the older children to keep them entertained or instead of sitting there on their phones interact with your children! Maybe it's easier said then done, who knows but I think if you brought toys and other things for children to do they may not be running around like wild cats.
My tummy butter has not come yet, I'm going to have the email the company. The stuff I got the other day is not doing anything, I'm still very itchy. It smells very nice though, I do love lavender. I googled contractions earlier because to be completely honest, I have absolutely no clue or remembrance of what they feel like.I just don't remember. I know with Ty I had BH early on and I think I may be starting to get those which freaks me out! We'll have to talk to the doctor next week about our concerns and see if he agrees it would be okay for me to be in the hospital. I think for the sanity of most me being in the hospital constantly monitoring the baby (especially now if I am getting BH) would be a good idea. We'll have to see what the doc says. My bags are ready and packed to go at a moments notice though I do need to add a few baby things for the little one in case he/she does really well. They did say with breathing they can tell right away within minutes if the baby is doing well or not but as to the function of the kidneys it can take a few days so I know baby will be in the NICU for a few days having some tests done regardless of how the baby appears because the blood work for kidneys does not show the babys results until a few days later so we'll be there for a few days. Hopefully just waiting and observing the kidneys and we won't have to worry about breathing.
The baby has been throwing some mighty powerful kicks and punches, maybe even some rolls so much that they catch me off guard sometimes. I absolutely love it! I am starting to see a pattern of the babys schedule. Very active from about 7:30-9:30 then settles down, a bit of movement around 11 then quiet for most of the afternoon then starts up again around 6 then quiets down before bed and then if I'm up around 4 or 5am I can notice some kicks then as well. I find it cute that even if I am up and about at 6 the baby doesn't seem to "wake up" until 7:30ish. This will really help with kick counts. I also know if I play music to my belly it usually wakes the baby up and gets a few movements out of him/her. I am a little anxious about the MRI results, we won't have them until Wednesday, a whole week for waiting. Hopefully they can give us some more answers about the kidney function. It's just a waiting game now and trying to stay sane and now worrying about every little twinge or pain. Much easier said then done....
Today went....well it went. There is now 2 kidneys......TWO!!!!! They can also see the artery so they are most certainly there, however, the fluid levels are still low so they think the kidneys are not functioning at par but hey, 10 weeks ago there were none so we'll take two that are only partly working, God can fix that and so can we! That still poses the question of the lungs though. That we still will not know until the baby is born. Our high risk said he thinks they are horseshoe kidneys, fused together but still functioning. He said if this is the case chances are there was a tiny bit of fluid all along so the lung status may be better then predicted last week. All I know is the doctors are baffled at what is going on. We still do not know anymore then we did but things continue to improve. We still are planning on delivery at 37 weeks, September 7th and depending on what happens with the baby, whether its born screaming or born struggling to breathe and what level of care the baby can receive all depends on what happens in 8 weeks. They did say there are tests they can do in the meantime to possibly predict the outcome but it'd be closer to 34 weeks (so 5 more weeks from now) Other good news...baby is growing right on track 2.5lbs and I forget the length but it was right on track. The baby passed the bpp with flying colours and looks happy in my belly as of right now. We will be getting tests every week until 32 weeks then every few days and then every day. We still have not determined when I will be admitted we have to talk to the doctor about that next week. If the fluid levels stay the same I am at risk for pre-term labour and stillbirth so we'll want to monitor that 24/7 after 32 weeks, but more about that at our next appointment.
They did say that because the kidneys are now there, there is a greater chance it is genetic so we'll have to do more testing. It was a long day 7:30-4:30. We popped out and got some belly butter but it's not working as well as well as the Bella B...but it'll have to do for now. So all we know is it's just more waiting and monitoring but we have a great support system, plenty of things to think about the next few weeks. We still do not know the gender, the little bugger is keeping that a surprise but that's okay he/she is too busy working on kidneys and lungs. Oh and my placenta seems to be moving up so its more likely a natural delivery which is so much better for the baby, hoping it keeps moving up. I'd write more but my brain is fried, long day at the hospital and so much to take in....
10 weeks ago when we learned our Sweet Pea would not survive we accepted it and started planning for it. The news on Tuesday has made every day a struggle. How does one prepare for an unknown situation. It tears at my heart everyday. It is hard to feel excited when there is still only a very small percentage of chance of survival (though depending on fluid it could be a higher percentage). To not know now whether or not our baby will survive and to not be able to know until our baby is born is a much harder struggle then facing the fact our baby would die. I am very thankful we even have that struggle though, to know our baby now has a chance makes everything even more worth it but how do we prepare? We can't really make a birth plan because there are so many variables. All I know is after the baby is born those first few minutes will be filled with as much anxiety as I think I could ever feel. Even if the baby cries does not mean the lungs are fully developed, given it is a good sign and indication but it isn't a guarantee. It won't be until the baby is examined and probably out of the room in the NICU which brings up a whole new set of questions. If the baby is going to live and just need some oxygen then I'm okay with them taking the baby and doing what they need too and getting to the baby as soon as I can (maybe even try no epidural so I can be up and out soon, or maybe they can roll me in a wheelchair shortly afterwords) What I worry about is if the baby is not going to survive, I want the baby to be with us when she/he passes so we'll have to ask about that on Tuesday, about putting the baby on life support until our family can be somewhere quiet with the baby until he/she passes.BUT I'm praying that isn't even an option for us, I pray the babys lungs develop enough to survive. I pray we have to come home and scramble to get all the baby things out. The only thing we are setting up is the car-seat and the bassinet with the monitor (the things that have to do with safety) everything else can wait. I just don't know how to prepare and I struggle daily with feeling hopeful and optimistic but don't want to get my hopes up. Then I start getting worried and I don't like that. But it's hard not to know anymore. It's hard not to know what the survival percentage is. It's hard to deal with the fact that we will not know until the baby is born but the good thing is we have a chance to bring our baby home, maybe a perfectly healthy baby. God will do what are in his plans and it could be to give us a miracle baby with no health problems. Even if the baby has to be in the NICU for a while or if the baby does have health problems we'd be okay, we can handle that. But not knowing is a hard thing to deal with on a daily basis. This next 8 weeks is going to be very rough. It's not like I can go out and distract myself because I need to be at home resting as much as I can. I can try to distract myself at home but even that is hard. So much waiting, so much wondering but it also gives us 2 more months to love on our Sweet Pea and cherish every kick and moment we have with him/her.
I'm nervous about Tuesday, I think because I'm worried they will say theres no fluid again but I know that's not going to be the case. The fluid has been increasing since Tuesday and I don't think it would stop. I still am not sure why they are doing the MRI, you can see the kidney and artery on ultrasound and I think with the amount of fluid you can tell how well it is working so why the MRI? How can they make a pregnant women not drink anything or eat anything for 5 hours? Especially one who drinks a gallon of water a day? I don't know what kind of answers it will give us and it may not even work if the baby is moving around. It's going to be another long day at the hospital. We're getting use to that though. I expect we will hear that the kidney is working and the fluid is returning to normal amount and that our only concern now is the lungs. We know everything else (including the heart) is working well so we just will need to focus on the lungs which we can't do much about. Keep the baby in longer then anticipated and give the steroid shots around 31-32 weeks and then wait. Check to see if the baby is practice breathing and pray God is healing the lungs.
Okay time to go distract myself from the struggles of today, knit some more, listen to some nice relaxing music and try to remain positive, after all it is a miracle already that the kidney is there and working and the fluid is back and we have to keep focusing on all the positives and remain hopeful. Now if it was only as easy as saying that!
Today has been an okay day. It started at 5:30am like it has been for a few weeks which always ends up in me taking a nap between 11 and 1 because I just cannot keep my eyes open any longer. We met with our interim priest today to talk about what was going on and to do another healing oils ceremony in the church. I wish I could live at the church during this hard time. I always feel so much more at peace and calm when I am at church but I know God is about going out into the world of evil too and seeing how we do. Glad tomorrow is Sunday....hoping we can share our miracle with some of the church members. A lot of my friends may find it weird that I talk so much about God now because I never use to be religious but since we lost Ty it is the one thing I can rely on, the one thing that gives me a sense of comfort and peace, the one thing that will always be there no matter what and those are just some of the reasons I want to deepen my faith. Plus there is no doubt in my mind God is the one healing our baby.
Went to Sunfest this afternoon and met up with a friend. It was nice to sit and talk and catch up not to mention the chicken curry wrap, samosa and onion balja (sp?) was delicious, I hope Sweet Pea likes it. Like with Ty, I've tried to have different ethnic food so the baby can get a nice taste palate, plus it helps that I LOVE it. We have so many choices in London of great ethnic food to eat. I am thankful we get that experience. I did find because we were walking around a lot that Sweet Pea was a bit quieter which always worries me so we came home and I sat in the rocking chair and played some music and she/he has let me know they are still okay.
My friend said something to me that kind of bothers me. It's nothing she said but what some people have asked her. I guess people ask her why my husband and I would do this to ourselves, put ourselves through this. I know some people do not understand but I don't get it. I just want to say to them, for one thing, no matter if we chose to terminate or not we would still be putting ourselves through much grief, why not give our baby the chance to have the best life it can. Why not enjoy the time we have? Again, no matter what we would have done were still "putting ourselves through" something and I much rather it be happiness then deep regret. Another thing, for those people who have children, I want to say "So your child is 5 okay, if you child was gravely ill and not expected to live would you let your child just die or would you do everything you could to save your child and give your child the best chance? Pretty sure any parent would say they would fight for their child so how is this any different? We believe the life inside of us is a life, it is our child and our child is sick and we will fight as hard as we can to give our child the best chance possible. We love our child and cherish our child and this is why we are choosing to carry on. I don't expect lots of people to understand that just as I don't understand people who would give up on their child. It would just be nice if people didn't care and rather spent their energy supporting us. I guess some people may not be as strong as us. If we knew we would loose Ty we would have still carried him, we cherished every day we got with him. Same as our Sweet Pea, I love her/his little kicks so much and the hiccups and getting to see our baby move around and do cute little things on the ultrasound, it is so worth it.
That's all for the day, not much going on, time to knit our "going home" (we pray) blanket. God please continue to heal our Sweet Pea, please let the lungs develop and let the kidney keep functioning, please heal my body to support the baby in healing. Thank you for all you have blessed us with.
Sweet Pea, mommy, daddy and big brother Ty love you. We can't wait to meet you and we pray we get to bring you home. Keep fighting and stay strong and we will keep fighting for you. We will NEVER give up on you, we will continue to have hope, faith and believe in you. Hugs and Kisses
We get to see our baby again today, I am nervous, I did not sleep and was up at 5:30am again but at least I can get lots of water going through my body to help the baby. I am not as nervous about today as Tuesday though. Maybe because I know on Tuesday we will know about the fate of our baby, although we won't really. God could give us a miracle at any time, it is up to him. Thing could still change. I asked God to give me the strength to let go, to put all my trust and belief in him and his awesome power. I don't like these mini panic attacks I have been getting where I start thinking about everything and start to loose hope. I want to focus on the good, I want to not doubt but believe indeed. These last 10 weeks have been so very trying and the next 8 will be even more so. Stephen has done so much to help me get through, not to mention the numerous amount of family and friends we are so truly blessed to have in our lives but to be taken away from all of that (I don't know if I can bring my laptop in the hospital with me, we should find out later in the post) is going to be a challenge but like Stephen said, God will always be with me and so will Ty. On those lonely nights in hospital at 3am when I can't sleep they will be there with me. I love that Stephen has such a positive outlook on life. It has tremendously helped me through this. I still get very nervous before appointments especially because the baby could pass at anytime and when I don't feel the baby kick I get worried (I think that has a lot to do with loosing Ty though too) Sometimes I just wish it were easier but then we wouldn't be learning all the things we have learned, we wouldn't be able to help others through it, we wouldn't gain new perspectives on life, we would take things for granted, we would not have changed for the better, we would not have gained new strengths in ourselves and our relationships, we would not have been brought closer to God....we would not have had this time with our children (which I would never trade) we knew it would be a long and hard road but we gladly accepted the task. To know now that there is not a 0% chance of our baby surviving but a 2%-???% depending on the fluid amount and how the lungs developed makes it so much more worth it. It validates our fight. We were given the option to terminate, many suggestions at a lot of appointments to induce early and terminate but in our hearts we knew that was never an option for us. Personally we never could do that (I understand others choose to and that's fine, I'm not being disrespectful I'm just saying to us personally that was our choice) we wanted to give our baby every fighting chance. Medicine and science is never 100% the only thing that is 100% is God's power, love and will for our baby. The doctors can't explain what is going on but we aren't looking for an explanation, we know God has had a hand in this. All we want to know if what other things we can do to fight for our baby, to continue to give the baby the best chance well God is working away on our miracle. Speaking of which it is time to head to our appointments. I hope we get the same tech as we did on Tuesday she was so nice and upbeat, it really makes a world of difference when someone shows compassion. Ultrasound, app with High Risk then app with Social Worker about being admitted to the hospital. I'll update the post once we get back and know more. Praying...the news is still the same or even better!
So we found out we are having an MRI on Tuesday to see the baby's kidney. I don't know why but this terrifies me but it has to mean that the doctor did consult the radiologist and there was a kidney so they want to get a better look right? It has to be because there is in fact a kidney there and maybe they want to see how well it is functioning. I hope they can also look at the lungs. Maybe I am nervous because I know next Tuesday is very critical in our babys life. My heart is beating so fast.....this has been such a long journey and I pray it is all worth it in the end when we are holding our living, breathing, healthy baby. I did google MRI's during pregnancy and it seems they are less harmful then X-Rays or CT's and being over 28 weeks should be okay. It is to get a better picture so I guess it outweighs any risks it may pose.
Our appointment went well. Things are still there and there is more fluid! Praise God!!!!!! We still are not out of the clear, we won't be until the baby is born which is hard but we'll give this baby every chance we can. We discussed a lit today. Firstly, it may now be the case I don't need a c-section. With the fluid increasing the baby moving and the placenta maybe even moving it may not be the case. My doctor does prefer a natural delivery so he is hoping all that corrects itself. I'm actually becoming okay with that. It all depends on the baby but it is not 100% anymore that we will nee a c-section. I also do not need to be in the hospital. Because more fluid is accumulating and my placenta is moving up a bit more I can just stay at home and take it easy, though after talking to the social worker it sounds like a vacation being at the new hospital. Private rooms equipped with everything, people serving you, free internet, cable and telephones...I was crazy to be scared of having to be admitted. However, I will be going in at 35 weeks. We talked and thought that by waiting until 37 weeks and doing steroid shots at 36 weeks it would give the baby the best chance but because of what happened to Ty I will be in the hospital at 35 weeks to monitor the baby. The baby could always come before then as well but that's the plan for now. I shouldn't say plan because we have no plan. We cannot plan for what is going to happen. We still don't know if the baby will survive at this point and we won't until the baby is here. We don't know if it will be a c-section or not so we have to prepare for all of those situations. It's tough not knowing but we are a bit more cautiously optimistic at this point, enough to have my schedule a car seat clinic. I still cannot bring myself to get any of the other baby things out but I figure those can wait until baby is home. We'll probably wash the bassinet sheets but other then that wait on everything else. It's hard because part of me thinks setting everything up would be me truly believing in the fate of our baby but my heart is protecting itself. I know we talked about a lot of other things but my brain is so fried I can't remember....there is still only one kidney but that's all we need, it is functioning as the fluid is accumulating, no hospital at this point, unless on Tuesday something shows I should be, plan is 37 week delivery with me in the hospital at 35 to monitor baby, once a week visits until 32 weeks then twice a week until 35 then every day (all of which include scans) and lots of prayers to help the babies lungs grow. They did check to see practice breathing but didn't catch anything, the tec said it's hard to catch but that hiccups count and the baby has those a lot of the time. So I read about fetal hiccups and it said they occur when the baby swallows fluid and it passed through the lungs and the diaphragm contracts so maybe it does mean the baby was getting some fluid all along because the baby has had hiccups for weeks now. Praying that is a good thing.
So I really do not expect much news on Tuesday I think it will be the same, maybe even more fluid but that we won't know if the baby will live or die until the baby is here. We need to hang on for 8 more weeks and pray that the babys lungs are developing. Healing oils ceremony tomorrow to ask for our baby to continue healing and for my body as well. All we can do is pray and leave it in God's hands now.....please God continue to heal our precious miracle, please let the lungs develop and protect our baby from any harm that was cast upon our son. Give us the strength to make it through the next 8 weeks with our sanity and feel hopeful enough to maybe get a few baby things out. We are okay if the babys gender is kept secret, there are much more important things at this time. We are preaped to let go if that be the case but we pray it isn't. We pray we have a miracle baby. One who beat all the odds. Time to go work on knitting the blanket some more, I'm going to call it the "take home" blanket now. Put it in with the take home bag.
. It's become my favourite quote. The fact that Stephen (my husband who I will start calling Stephen because he does have a name) opened the bible to that page with those words and that's all he read....it's become our motto. It's been two days since we got the good news and I still can't fathom what happened but I think my mind is finally starting to let me become more hopeful, to start thinking about bringing the baby home, stopping by the cemetery, not to reserve a plot but rather to introduce him to his brother. Or bringing him to church for the first time...him, see I am calling him him now. The only reason I really think it is a girl is because this pregnancy has been completely opposite of what it was with Ty. I have had a relatively easy time. I thought if it were a girl, different hormones, less side effects but Stephen and I were talking about the ultrasound and where him and the tech were pointing out the gender it most certainly looked like a hotdog with some potatoes.I can't deny that but for the last 10 weeks it's been all about Matea, about our little girl. I have a feeling the baby may not let us know what is it until it is born...which brings up one of my major concerns now.
Okay, so assuming everything stays the same, the kidney keeps working and fluid is building up the main concern now is the development of the lungs. They will give me steroid shots to help but whether or not the cells developed to begin with are unknown and there is no real way they can test the lung development. My HR OB said at around 34 weeks they could try an amnio to see the levels of ls ratio....which we may do to hopefully know if our baby will live or not because at this point it will 100% be a c-section, there is no way around it. My placenta previa ontop of the breech position the baby is in and the fact that baby may live (the doctors think c-sections are less stressful to the baby) I have to have a c-section. Obviously I can't go with the baby right away. If their main concern is the lungs then right after the baby is born he/she will be taken to the NICU Stephen will be going with the baby) But what I fear and I should know now to fear anything, if the babies lungs have not developed and the baby is going to pass I won't have a chance to see the baby a live which brings up the question, do we put the baby on life support until I am out of surgery and can see the baby? It would be a lot easier if we knew if the lungs have developed the cells needed but there is no way to test it, pretty much have to wait until baby is born so we really do not know if the baby will live until he/she is born. But I do trust in God and I do know (as LOTS of people have told me) when he preforms a miracle he doesn't do it half assed so I have to believe the lungs will be developed enough and that the kidney will be functioning at capacity. Not knowing now what is going to happen is hard. We can't prepare anymore. We are in limbo, loving our baby the best we can these last 8 weeks, giving our baby the best chance possible. We will continue to fight for him/her. We have so far and look where that has gotten us, closer to a living baby. We'll find out tomorrow if things are still the same or better, I pray they don't get worse again. Then Tuesday is an even more critical appointment with the FDC team, which includes a neonatologist so were hoping to get some answers to what we can expect. Of course, things are going to happen the way they happen and we'll have to go with that. Take things as they are presented to us. One step at a time. Day by Day.....I'm going to have to remind myself of that in the hospital but if I can't have access to a computer I may go insane. I need to blog! I need to let everyone know what is going on and surely we need to let everyone know when our baby arrives and what is going on. I can't help but feel hopeful today.
Being hopeful is making me want to get baby things out but I just don't think I can bring myself to do that. However, I think it would be beneficial to install the car seat and have it checked as that is a safety issue we need to take care of so I think we will at least do that. I also need another outfit for a boy, a coming home outfit so I will have to look through Ty's things to pick one out. I asked God today to give me the strength to let go and put all my trust into him and just believe. It scares me that there is hope now but it's what we wanted. I had a dream the other night about a living baby, I don't remember specifics, I don't even remember if it was ours but it was a living baby in our life. Living, healthy baby one with a functioning kidney and lungs. I wonder if they check how the kidney will function once born..that's going on the list of questions...Which I need to bring with me to the hospital, which means I should have all my packing done tonight in case we go in tomorrow and the Dr decides to admit me then. I hope I get until Tuesday but I'll do whatever it takes for the babe. Maybe if there is more fluid it won't be as much of a concern though I think the concern is the placenta previa. I don't know if my placenta could move up or stretch out in 3 days to the point where it wouldn't be of concern. We'll find out tomorrow. If this is teaching me anything it is that patience is a virtue, I've always said it but never experienced it myself. I am learning to let go as I do not have control. To be thankful for everything we do have. That there is so much more to life then petty little things. That I have the best family and friends in the world who have been through so much with us and may not realize that it is them who have helped get us through, which I do want to say and send a huge thank you to everyone who has helped us, it is only because of the support we have received that we are able to be strong and hold our heads high. So Thank You.
We ordered Ty's headstone yesterday. It is going to look so nice. We picked out a black headstone with 5 polished sides and on it will be an etched butterfly then inside the butterfly will his name, his birthday, beloved son of Stephen and Jessica and then his footprints with angel wings in a heart. Right under the butterfly will be the quote "Many only dream of angels, we held on in our arms" I cannot wait to get it put in. We'll have to do a fundraiser to help pay for it as headstone are not cheap, not that I expected them to be but they were more then I thought, of course our little boy only gets the best though. I pray we don't have to go back and order another one. I pray we can call the cemetery and say, hey we don't need the grave beside Ty anymore because God has given us a miracle. I pray God continues to heal our baby and myself. (Healing Oils ceremony again today) I pray God gives Stephen and I the strength to get through the next 7 weeks being apart. Our relationship has been tested many times and continues to be and our love is so strong I know we will be okay but we do need strength. I pray God gives me the strength to stay sane while in the hospital anxiously awaiting the arrival of our miracle. God is great and has blessed us and I pray he continues to do so. Do not doubt but believe.....
5:30am and I am up and wide awake. I have so much going through my mind. I still cannot process everything that happened yesterday. What we have been praying for, for 10 weeks came true. I am so thankful it did, but my heart will not let me feel anything. It's protecting itself. I can't stop thinking, I can't stop praying, I just feel like crying, not tears of happiness or sadness just crying. I will admit I am scared about what is going to happen. I think the hardest part for me is going to be being away from home. I love my little home and my little family so much I am going to be so sad to be away. I really hope the doctors agree to letting me our for a few hours a week so I can come home and see my fur babies and visit Ty. I'm hoping we can do Sundays so I can still go to church as well. The idea of being away breaks my heart, but I know in the long run it will be worth it. When we are holding our baby in our arms and the baby is alive and thriving, it'll be worth it. Stephen and I have been through so much in our relationship, we have really been put through the ringer but we continue to fight through everything and come out stronger. I am so thankful I married him, I simply could not ask for a better partner. It makes me happy to know he will still come see me.
The other thing that scares me is the c-section. Given, we did go into this pregnancy knowing that was the option we wanted anyways but now knowing that the doctor said it's the only way to go and it's really going to happen is very hard. Thankfully, because of Ty, I am not afraid of the epidural like I use to be so I know that part will be easy. I worry about the actual surgery. I worry about blood loss, I worry about recovery. I worry about the fact that if something happens I won't be able to see my baby alive. I may not get to see my baby for hours if I am in recovery. The baby will most likely be taken to the NICU even if it is for observation. I'm not giving u, God has shown us what a miracle looks like and I just know he will continue to heal our baby. Like my husband said and others have said, when God performs a miracle he doesn't do it half assed. If he is healing our baby he will heal the babys lungs as well. I will do everything in my power to let him do so, even spending 8 weeks or less in the hospital to give our baby the best chance. It'll be very tough, very emotional but to know we did everything will make me more at peace with whatever happens.
I did tell God he could have sense of humour with this. We aren't setting any baby things up or getting anything so I told him if he wanted to be funny and let our baby be very healthy and need no medical help and come home after 4 days to a house that is not baby ready he could do so. I much rather have that then have to put the baby things away again.
We should know on Friday if it is looking like I will be in the hospital. if things are the same Friday then I will most likely be admitted on Tuesday. If there is a lot of fluid that has re accumulated then I won't need to be. If there is less or none, I don't think I will need to be but if there is the same amount I will be. I think there main concern is that I could go into labour at any time and that because I have a placenta previa they need access to get me into surgery right away (which scares me that I may have to have general anesthesia) I just can't wrap my mind around what happened yesterday. The tech we had was so nice and upbeat and now we know the tech who three weeks ago said she saw a stomach and bladder and a small sac of fluid, she did indeed see those, so we know for at least 3 weeks there has been change going on.
The day we found out about our baby (My 2nd initially) my husband went to church, lite a candle sat down and prayed and opened the bible to one page and pointed at a reading. He said he read "Do not doubt but believe" and he has been going on that every since. I really like it, it has become our motto all along. We believe God can perform miracle and he is showing us he can. There is no way to explain it, there doesn't need to be an explanation but it is such a hard concept to grasp. Maybe I was doubtful deep inside my heart and I still cannot believe it, but I saw with my own two eyes everything they pointed out yesterday. So now we wait 8 weeks and see how the babys lungs are once born. I will continue to drink lots of water and rest when I can (though I may not have a choice next week) pray that God continues to heal our baby and let the babys lungs develop and to give Stephen and I strength. The last 10 weeks have been harder but I know these next 8 will be a challenge. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks for all the prayers sent our way so far, they are being answered. Much love xo
I won't keep anyone else in suspense I will say what we know and leave it at that. Our baby (who very well may be a boy now) has a stomach, has a bladder, has one kidney and a little bit of fluid. This has all been confirmed. Our doctor is shocked he cannot explain it. Really I kept wanting to say, don't explain it, God's miracles don't need explaining. The power of prayer does not need an explanation, just belief, hope and faith which we have always had and continue to have. What this means, well were not sure. We go back Friday for an ultrasound then a follow up with our high risk OB and then on Tuesday we go back for the FDC clinic again with another ultrasound and a team meeting in the afternoon to make a plan. If things stay the same and there is still everything next Tuesday I will be admitted to the hospital until I deliver. We will be delivering c-section regardless of the outcome of the baby as I now have a full placenta previa. We will be delivering by 36 weeks if not earlier (September 1st) So what does all of this mean? Well God most certainly heard our prayers and now we are praying that during the critical 16-22 weeks for lung development there was some fluid, enough to get the lung cells to start developing because now the main concern is hypoplastic lungs. The hard thing with that is we won't know until the baby is born how the lungs are so we have to wait. If there is still a bit of fluid we are going to do the steroid shots while I am in the hospital to help the baby as much as we can. So if everything is the same next Tuesday into the hospital I go and now not only will they take my health into consideration but they will start thinking about the baby. God is showing us our miracle baby, I pray he continues to heal our Sweet Pea. By the way, this time the tech thought it was a boy so we really do not know what we are having now and long before we thought we knew the sex of the baby it's nickname was Sweet Pea so back to Sweet Pea we go. If our baby is born and lives her name will still be Matea Faith, if it is a boy his name will be Jacob Tiberius Emmanuel. If the baby is born living and can survive she/he will most likely be in the NICU for awhile unless God heals our baby completely. Our baby may need an oxygen tank if the lungs have not fully developed but with God's guidance we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I am so overwhelmed today I don't even know what to think. My husband and I did not sleep last night so we are both exhausted. It was a long day filled with hope and good news but I still cannot process everything going on. I think next Tuesday we will know more and until then I am taking it easy and drinking lots of water, preparing my husband to be at home by himself for a few weeks. I will do anything for this baby but I am sure going to miss my husband and kitties (though my husband will be with me at the hospital most of the time) We will continue to fight for out Sweet Pea and give our baby the best chance possible. We love our baby so much and pray God continues to heal our Sweet Pea. Our prayer now, for God to continue to let our Sweet Pea's kidney function and now more importantly please God let our Sweet Pea's lungs develop. We are so blessed and thankful at the miracle you have given us so far and pray that you continue to heal our baby.
I cannot believe it has been 10 weeks, 10 weeks since we found out your diagnosis, fatal diagnosis, albeit a miracle from God. It seems like just yesterday we received the news but we are 10 weeks in which means less time we get to spend with you. Tomorrow is a big day for us. It will be a long day at the hospital but I am praying for some good news, a glimmer of hope for us to hold onto even tighter. Of course we won't give up on you, we never will but it would really help if there were some indications something could go right. We love you sweet Matea, we will fight for you until the end, keep strong, Ty is watching over you. No matter what the doctors say tomorrow we will still give you every chance we can.
Last night was the first time I had a bad dream about Matea. Every other dream I have had was of having a living breathing healthy baby girl but last night was not the same. I can't remember much other then we were in the hospital and Matea was stillborn and I remember them asking me if I wanted to hold her and it was so hard to do, I remember crying and thinking I couldn't do it and how hard it was to face doing that. I found it strange because I had no problem holding Ty and I'll have no problem holding Matea but I remember how upsetting it was and of course it will be.I have never had any bad dreams about Ty and until last night none about Matea and I much prefer the no dreams compared to the bad ones.
While at the laundry mat today I was listening to music (which can be a bad idea) and at first I was doing okay then some of Matea's songs came on and I was getting a little emotional. The song I will Carry You came on and for about the first 30 seconds I held it in but then started to tear up so I had to change the song and then I was listening to another one of my favourite songs by Breaking Bejamin called Anthem of the Angels, which I never have really listened to the words but I did today and it made me cry. It's a rock song but it has so much meaning to me now. Anyways, the cute part of this ramble, I was listening to all the songs trying not to cry much and You Are My Sunshine Came On. I started singing this song to Matea just shortly after we found out about her prognosis. Well it came on my mp3 (yes I am old school) and I took one of headphone buds and held it to my belly where her head is and she kicked like crazy. She knows its her song. Such a cutie. This made my heart happy.
So I guess I have to talk about the inevitable now that I have been avoiding it. We thankfully were able to go over to some friends house and keep our minds distracted for a lunch time BBQ which was very nice. It was a much needed break from the thought of tomorrow. It has been 10 weeks since we found out and 3 since we saw Matea last. I pray that in those 10 weeks God has started to work on a miracle. I pray that when we go in tomorrow there is good news, glimmers of hope. Something that makes the doctor second think her prognosis. Even if there is still no kidneys showing up, if there is a stomach and a bladder and even a tiny bit of fluid that will be a good thing. It will mean something is going on. It will mean maybe there is a chance. I'm sure the doctors will still tell us it is not looking good but maybe they don't want to get our hopes up. We have her reassessment ultrasound, followed by a doctors appointment with the high risk OB, RH shot and glucose test (I love the orange drink they give me) some blood work then a break for lunch then back for her eco ultrasound which I hear is a cool one to watch. I hope and pray we don't make it to the eco one because there has been a change in Matea's status and they want more tests done right then and me on bed rest. It'll be a very long day either way. We may leave with even more questions then we go in with. If there is a change then it brings on a whole new set of questions, ones I would gladly have to ask but I just don't know what to think. There is so many things that can be said tomorrow, so many things that can go one way or another, depending on what happens tomorrow is really the future for our daughter and it is a very scary thought. A thought I don't like to think about but found myself thinking about a lot today. The idea of me being in the hospital, the same hospital, not the same area, but the same hospital as where we lost Ty, being in that hospital room with my baby girl in my arms so sweet and so precious taking her last few breaths with me whispering into her ear that it is okay, to go be with Ty. It breaks my heart to think of that. No mother should ever have to do that and to know I have to do that in a matter of minutes because she may only get 5 minutes with us.....it terrifies me. But I pray God has other plans and we get to see a glimpse of those other plans tomorrow. It is a day of bittersweet sorrow. In one sense we get to see our baby girl, we get more pictures, we get to see how much she has grown in 3 weeks and how she is doing and in another her prognosis may not change and we will have to leave with the same devastating news we did 10 weeks ago. We still won't give up or give in to the doctors, we still will carry her as long as we can but I just hope for a change, no matter how small, any change for the good is okay in our books. I could go on and on about tomorrow but I am just going to leave it at that and wait until we find out what is going on tomorrow. We ask that you keep us in your prayers tonight, please pray that God is healing Matea and for there to be a change in her prognosis. Please pray for Stephen and I to have the strength to make it through the day. If i have the energy I will try to post a blog tomorrow night but it may be Wednesday afternoon before I get on (we are going Wednesday morning about getting Ty's headstone started) I will try to blog tomorrow night but I may need a day or two to wrap my head around everything. Here goes a critically important day in our lives....
Not much happened yesterday, we stayed at home for most of the day as I was not feeling well. My stomach has been very wonkie the last few day, my guess, nerves about next Tuesday. I finished cleaning the house in hopes that come next Tuesday I would be told I need bed rest because there has been some change and Matea needs to grow as much as she can. I took pics too since the house was clean and people have been asking what our house looks like. We're in a tiny but lovely shoebox for about another year-year and a half but we love it here. Besides my parents house, it is the only place that feels like a home. I looked at about 50 apartments and it was the only one I liked. I didn't take it at first because there was no laundry and that was on my must haves list so I continued to look around but after looking I realized it was the only place I liked. I called the landlord and he said someone else already took it so I was quite disappointed, but it was my own fault I waited a few weeks after seeing it. Well wouldn't it be the grace of God that a week after I was told that he called back and said they backed out and the apartment was mine if I still wanted it. Of course I did! Even with no laundry, which at first I did in the sink and hung it dry in the hall but that was when it was only me. Add a man and another cat and sink washing was just not going to cut it. So to the laundry mat we go. I remember thinking how we were going to do laundry once Ty was here. We usually like to go together and with a newborn there was no way that would be possible. One of us would have to go alone until Ty was a bit older. I figured I could wash the baby clothes in the sink since they go through a lot in a short amount of time with diaper explosions and teething and spit up and all. But now we are back to two. I remember when we were getting ready for Ty and we filled two wash machines with clothes just for him and I loved cleaning and folding them, it was so special. I don't get that this time. Sure I guess I could wash a few little girl outfits just in case but is it going to be too much? I don't even know how I got on that subject but okay...one thing leads to another. I do know I want to wash the hospital and burial outfits a long with the blankets and towels so there nice and fresh and cozy and maybe I will throw in a few little girl outfits.
So back to yesterday, we stayed at home and did nothing really, rested and made food then we went to watch the fireworks at about 8. They say they begin at dusk but they really mean 10. We got there at 8 with our chairs and snacks and thinking they would start at dusk (which according to the weather network was 9:07) I drank my bottle of water...not a great idea because by 9 I had to go! We were in a neighbourhood with lots of people so there was no where to go and I think Matea thinks its funny to kick my bladder when its full. Silly girl. So I sat in uncomfortableness during the show. I can't tell if she liked them or not. It was a very different experience then with Ty. With Ty he was kicking throughout the entire show and big kicks at that. Matea was quiet for awhile and then when the really loud ones shook my belly she would kick so I think she was probably wondering what the heck was going on. I just pray next year we can actually bring her to see them. It was hard last night because there were so many small kids there and it was tugging at my heart a little, especially the little guy that was around Ty's age. It was like a swarm of, this is what you came so close to having but you don't get to keep it, sort of feelings. The guy next to us, who reminded me of John Candy, kept me pretty distracted though with his crazy stories. Lets just say there are some very...different people in this world. Here's some pics from last night:
Getting ready to head to the fireworks
Before the show, belly and all!
My love and I, he cracks me up!
I tried to get a good pic of the fireworks but with my camera it was just not happening, it wasn't quick enough. But they were pretty and I was able to watch them because I remembered to bring my ear plugs! I generally do not like fireworks because they are so loud but I have learned ear plugs are a great solution to that problem. Before I forget, I just want to say thanks to God for letting it finally rain, I really did not want to have to water my flowers or wash the car so thanks! Saves me from having to do much today. For some reason I am exhausted. It is only 9:30am and I was up at 8:00am, had breakfast, showered before the storm and now I am ready for a nap. It may just be a try to nap kind of day. Hopefully it goes better then the last nap I tried. Other then that, just taking it easy today. Put away all the sewing stuff for now, going to finish our wedding album and just relax. I'm really hoping a nap will be in the books, I just can't seem to keep my eyes open and with this upset tummy...either it's nerves or Matea is working on growing a kidney. If she needs to make me sick to do so I say bring it on! I'm feeling a little hopeless today, time to go read the miracle stories again.
On this day of your life, Jessica, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.God must really know me because I do like to be in control and what I learned with Ty is that I have no control over what happens, I have no control over what happens with Tea but I sure as heck am going to do everything I possibly can to help her but then maybe this is him working through me to help her. Who knows....I just don't like not having control but it is a lesson I have learned, I don't control anything. It doesn't mean I am choosing to give up, I never will, but I am letting go of the things I cannot control and working on the things I can try to have an effect on.
Stephen, Milo and Charlie
My mom, dad and brother
Our Woodland Cemetery Friends
*My friends (the ones who are still by my side even after what I have been through and understand that I am a changed person and still love me the way I am)
*The motivation to help those in need (be it through raising money for Memory Ty's or serving meals to the homeless)
*Knowing that inevitably it will be fall (my favourite season) which means hayrides, apple picking, trick or treating, cool sunny weather, homemade caramel apple cheesecake and homemade pumpkin cheesecake, Thanksgiving dinner, leaves changing colour, raking leaves, fresh apple cider, hot apple cider, apple doughnuts, fresh air, long walks in the woods....I could go on and on
*Knowing that we will have children one day, whether biologically or through adoption we will have a family to love
*Everything we are blessed to have, a car, a comfy cozy home, two kitties who love us unconditionally, family, friends, financial security, a wonderful parish, caring people in our lives, sunny, days, a job (who have been very understanding during this difficult time) nature and so much more
Those are just some of the reasons I am still able to get out of bed, I choose to look at the positives of each day, though I will admit there are days when all I want to do is stay in bed but I won't let what is going on get the best of me.
Having said all of that, the last few days have been very emotional. I find I get teary eyed at everything. Today is Canada Day and I can clearly remember this time last year when we celebrated with Ty. He had such a fun day and loved the fireworks (or was scared of them) because he was kicking up a storm. I wonder if Matea will do the same. I am wearing the same shirt I wore last year and with Ty it was still pretty loose but I am barely squeezing into it with Tea. Given, I did start out a bit bigger with her and usually the second baby makes a mama bigger so I am not surprised. I just wish today that Ty was here with us, celebrating outside the womb. I wish we were looking forward to Matea's arrival (which we are but it's scary to know another child will most likely have to be buried) I wish I didn't have to write this blog, I wish I didn't have to talk about Ty's experiences while only in the womb...I want him here with me. He would almost be 9 months old and I wonder what he would be getting into. Surely by now the house would be baby proofed because he'd be all over the place. I'd be a tired mama not from being depressed and heartbroken but because my little man prefers to sleep during the day instead of at night. We would be setting up his crib in the nursery and setting up the bassinet in our room for Matea. We'd be crazy to have two little ones under one but we would love it. So many things I wish for, God has provided me with so much in my heart, so much of what I desire but there is still one thing I have desired my whole life that I do not have...a living baby.
How does one go through two pregnancies, two full term pregnancies at that only to still have empty arms and an even more broken heart? More grief, more sadness, more depression, more questions, more hard experiences to share....I just don't get it. I know I'm not suppose to, but with Ty I did get it a bit. We learned so much from him, he taught us so much and continues to. We have become better people because of him. With Matea I just don't see what we can learn. Maybe we never will, but I do pray God is going to show us his power and give us a miracle baby. Nothing medically or scientifically can be done to save her, only the grace of God can step in now. Maybe he will work through her to create a miracle and bring people closer to him. I pray he does, even if she is sick and has disabilities we will take her in with our whole hearts. I guess having our appointment coming up (4 more days) is just getting me really thinking about everything. It is such a critical appointment. What if they do see a stomach and bladder but not a lot of renal tissue? what does that mean? Does it mean there is some basic kidney function enough to get her here to try to save her? Can we do amnioinfusions and steroid shots to help her lungs? Should I be on bed rest? There's so many things that we could hear next week and I just hope we won't hear, nothing has changed....everything is still the same, there is no tissue, no stomach, no bladder, no fluid, please God, don't let that be the case. Give us some hope to hold onto. We will fight for her until the end.
I will never give up on my daughter, others might but I won't. I just feel like she was meant to be all a long. To be completely honest and maybe a little too much info, but we only had to try once before we were blessed with her, one time is all it took, God blessed us with life once again after one try. Things were looking so good. There were so many signs that things were going to be okay. Ty sent us signs, I had dreams about having a little girl this Christmas, things were falling into place. I was actually enjoying being pregnant this time, she was taking it very easy on me. I was growing like I should have been, we saw her heartbeat before we should have, we heard her heartbeat before we should have, how could things have gone terribly wrong? How can something that seems so perfect take a turn for the worst?
I just pray that next Tuesday we have some news, not the same as it was before but there is a small change, God is slowly working on our miracle baby. Let there be a stomach and bladder and some renal tissue (more importantly renal arteries) and let there be a small pocket of fluid, enough so we can help her. I only have one more hole in my hear to fill, one of my greatest desires left, please God give me what my heart desires. I'm not asking for much, I'm not being greedy, I don't want a money or a new car or a fancy house or anything fancy for that matter, all I want is to hold my baby in my arms, my living, breathing healthy baby to take home and love for ever. A family filled with children, ones that are here with us on earth. Please heal Matea, give us a miracle.