I don't have many words of wisdom today in regards to the sermon at church. I had a horrible night last night, I was up with constant gall bladder pain and I could not sleep so of course today I feel like a 20lb bag of rice. I'm really starting to watch what I eat and drink, I do think it is dairy related. I know it's not spicy food as I have not had any but possibly heavier food or dairy. I don't eat many fried foods so I wouldn't think it is that either. I recently switched to a lactose yogurt because non just costs too much and I've been eating a lot of it. It's Balkin style which is great on my stomach but I'm wondering if it is causing problems for my gall bladder.
On top of not feeling well, during the first reading they mentioned Jacob (which they do a bit) but what caught me off guard and made my mind wander for the rest of service, in the second reading they said Tiberius. It brought tears to my eyes and my mind was left wandering. I didn't pick up on much else after that, that I remember at least. At some point during the sermon our Rector was talking about Miracles and it got me thinking. Jacob, even though he only lived two short days, was totally a miracle. Everything that happened with him was unexplainable, he was a medical mystery no doctor could explain and he kept proving them wrong. He truly was our little miracle. To begin with, the biggest factor in this was that his kidneys did eventually end up developing. No doctor could explain that because none had heard of it before. We were told that organs just don't develop late, they just don't. Let alone not only one developed but two. That was truly a miracle. We were told he would most likely be stillborn, he wasn't. We were told her most likely would only live 5 minutes, he lived 2 1/2 days. We were told he wouldn't move a lot because of the lack of fluid, he flipped every single week. We were told I would not feel his kicks, I did. We were told that they were not sure if he would make it through the birthing process, he did. Everything they told us he proved them wrong. There is only one thing they told us that they were right about, his life on this earth would be short. He would not come home with us. He didn't and his life was short. But even so, he in every sense was truly a miracle. He is proof that God can do amazing things, even if he didn't heal him completely, he still proved most odds against him.
I have been feeling a lot of anger lately in regards to him passing. I have read so much research and all of it pretty much stated there were things that could have been done that could have saved him. Deep down in my heart I have always had a bad feeling that one doctor in particular did something purposely because Jacob wasn't suppose to live. Stephen and I both feel it but we never met with the NICU team, we couldn't. We have his medical records, we know he was sick and maybe we are looking for someone to blame (but that's not really like us) but both of us can't help but feel something was done horribly wrong. For our peace of mind we probably should have met with the NICU team but we know it will not change the past and we know that even though he was only with us 2 1/2 days he still was in every sense a miracle. He gave us hope when all else was lost, he taught us to cling to our faith and believe that miracles do happen everyday.
I always struggle with Jacob's death because through Ty's death Stephen and I really truly did learn a lot and we had tremendous blessings come through his death. I wish it didn't come at the cost that it did, but it did. Stephen and I both got it with Ty, we know we learned many great things and because of Ty we really have become quite blessed. I have come to terms with that. But with Jacob, I still do not know the lessons or many of the reasons why he had to die too. He did teach us to always have hope and faith but then it was dashed and I don't know how I feel about that. We continue to hold onto hope and faith because it's all we have. We did meet some wonderful infant loss families through him which have been a blessing but I don't see the lessons like we did with Ty. I don't feel his death had a purpose and maybe I will never understand until I meet him again. Maybe it was to show us that even miracles can make a huge different in such a little time. I just don't know and I have not come to terms with it like I have with Ty.
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about Jacob's birthday coming up and I really wish I could take the time off work but I can't. I know it will be a struggle because with Jacob, I have 2 1/2 days of memories, hundreds of photos and people who saw him and share their memories of him. I have something to remember, but the last thing I remember is putting him in the black funeral home box at the hospital and saying goodbye. I never had that with Ty. I have so much more with Jacob then I did with Ty and I think that brings out so many more emotions. I can actually sit down on the 5th and hour by hour go through what was happening from 11:19am when he was born until 7:45pm on the 7th when he finally passed surrounded by so many people that loved him (nurses included) I don't know how I will make it through, he was our little miracle and always will be and it guilts me to the core that we never had that with Ty.
It guilts me that everyone is saying congratulations and that they are so happy for us yet I can't feel that for myself. All I feel is fear and anxiety and terror. It's hard to go out and love like Christians love, to share what they have with others when I don't even sometimes love myself, when I have trouble even giving myself what I need because of the guilt. It's not like I starve myself or anything but mentally, I don't give myself what I need. I'm beyond exhausted today and my gall bladder is still in pain, not as much thankfully, but it makes it hard to get anything done. I was suppose to see a friend before she flew back out to Calgary but I just don't think I can do it today. Hearing the boys name, ontop of the pain and being tired and thinking so much about Jacob that I feel horribly guilty for not thinking about Ty has made this a rough day. I really think a nap is needed!
The one thing I do know is Jacob was in every sense, truly a miracle. No one ever said that miracles have long lives, no one ever said that miracles had an age limit or time limit. But miracles do show us faith and they give us hope to hold onto.
They should make a movie titled "When Gall Bladders Attack" and my gall bladder could be the staring role! It has had an absolute fit today. I told Stephen I'm almost to the point of wanting to go to the hospital to get a morphine shot because Tylenol ain't touching it! I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, I hope so because I am exhausted. A full week of work, grocery shopping this morning, family BBQ this afternoon, church tomorrow, seeing a friend then another full week of work. I'm already exhausted thinking about it! But Rib Fest is next weekend...mmm...I'm sure the sequel to "When Gall Bladders Attack" will be airing next week after Rib Fest. Does anyone who reads this have their gall bladder out? I'm just wondering what kind of diet you have to be on if you have it removed.....let me know I'd be interested to hear.
Do you all remember how I said I knew there was a reason God put me at my new job but I didn't know why yet (other then it is awesome!) well today I was smacked in the face with one reason......I was talking to one of the people who work there, just about us looking to buy a house in the next few years and then the conversation turned to her daughter and buying a house because she was pregnant and her and her boyfriend at the time wanted to move into a house. A few seconds later she says "they didn't end up buying it, they broke up and she lost the baby"....cue my heart starting to RACE! She didn't say much about the baby but I asked, I asked how far along she was and what happened. She was 23 weeks and they don't know what happened but OMG talk about a small world, I mean infant loss is so common it seems like everywhere I go I know someone who has been affected by it yet its such a taboo subject no one speaks of it. I told her my husband and I had two losses so if her daughter ever wanted to talk I'd be more then willing. She didn't ask any details about the boys but maybe in time she will. If not I hope at least I can talk to her daughter and let her know she's not alone. My heart was POUNDING though, as soon as she said that I was like, no way.....and then I was so nervous to mention the boys but thankfully I didn't have to go into detail yet. With time though. I really hope I can talk to her daughter, I know how hard it can be to not have anyone to relate to. I think it's really important to talk to others who have been in your shoes and gone through such an experience. It helps you feel less alienated and more supported.
Work was great this week and I know a lot of people say that about their first week of work but I really do mean it. I don't see me not liking it ever. I do see myself growing into a career there and going to school for my credit counseling course and moving up that way. Another great perk about small offices, when the boss says it's time to go home, it's time to go home. I was able to leave at 4 today which was great because hubby and I went out for dinner to catch up on our week. We'll be together the whole weekend too (Yah!) Then he is off for a few days next week on overnight trips but my mama is coming to stay with me (yah) and since we got an extra pay cheque this month I am going to finally get my eyes checked and get some much needed new spectacles for myself. My current ones, I have had for over 7 years and there all scratched and junk, I really need a new pair and I'm happy I finally can do it! I've been scoping them out online (zennioptical) and with there prices I may be able to get a pair or two (there about $12-$40 each) Yet another good solid step on the ground for us. We are getting there, very very slowly but surely we are getting there. This week has been a good week. It feels good to be back into a routine and the days are flying by! I can't believe next week is the beginning of August (which means Ribfest yum yum) but it also means only one more month until Jacob's one year. Then after that it's Ty's 2 year.....and Fall. I didn't book the days off for Jacob's one year and haven't for Ty's but my intention is to always book those off. I just didn't feel right with starting a new job and having all my doctors appointments right now, I'm sure I'll be okay. At least during the day. I guess I need ti start thinking of what to do and find a good recipe for Carrot Cake for Jacob.
Alright time for me to go enjoy my apple cake we got at Perogie Place which was deliciously yummy! If your in London, you should check it out.
I figured I'd write a little bit about my new job. Firstly, I love it! I love where I work and the people I work with. I've always loved working in smaller offices because I've found people's personalities to be so much better (and maybe it is due to less stress, pressure, drama and gossip that bigger offices have) I just feel so right there, like I'm meant to be there (and I know after how I got the job that I am really am) I'm learning so many things and I must say, I am proud of myself because my brain is not fried like I thought it would be. I still can learn at a quick pace and teach myself how to use all the new programs and do all the new work I have. I still enjoy teaching myself things too. I do some admin stuff but I also do a lot more (and will be doing a lot more) of the insolvency side of things and again, I love it. I love having that variety and learning new things. The more I can learn now the better it will be when I go back to school to get my counseling license. It is a very small company (only 4 of us plus a guy who rents out a room for his accounting business) but there is still a lot of room for me to grow and learn all about insolvency.
It may not have been what I had in mind when I was looking for a job, but now that I am there I do not intend on leaving (if ever) well, okay, let's be real. In 4 1/2 months I will be temporarily leaving and don't even get me started with the guilt on that one....I'm making sure to take good notes and write everything up so whoever takes my place temporarily will have notes and I can do a good job at training them so I won't feel as bad (I'm sure I still will thought) I was hoping to not announce this pregnancy until after my 3 month probation but the fact of the matter is, if I waited 3 months from when I began I'd be 6 months and I'm already showing at 13 weeks...there's no hiding this baby for much longer. I still want time to prove myself though. I still need that time to show them they made the right decision and that I made the right decision. I just really like it there. It's very laid back and no one gets stressed, my office has a ton of big windows so I get to look outside (which I love!!!) I'm really enjoying my first week there, though my body is finding it tres exhausting but I suspect that will change over time.
I don't know if I mentioned it before but I accepted the job before I knew what I was even going to be compensated with. Turns out, it is more then I was making before, the benefits are better and I don't pay for parking. Plus there are some other great perks that I look forward too. I know I took a risk accepting it and having to announce my pregnancy before my 3 months is up and having to tell them about the boys will be hard too but I just could not let such a good opportunity pass me by and I hope they feel the same way because I really do love it there. I say that now and maybe in a few months I won't but I really don't think that will be the case. Plus, I get to learn how to manage my money well to avoid getting into debt. I think we are pretty good at that given everything we have been through and we have come out not owning a bunch of people a lot of money. We are at the bottom but now that we are getting back on our feet and we both have good jobs it will start to turn around, it has to. I think the next few years will hold some great accomplishments for Stephen and I and I can't wait to share them all! #1......bringing home a living, breathing, healthy child. Here's to hoping that can happen soon!
Well I managed to sleep in today until 6am (but only because Stephens alarm went off) he owes me I was in the middle of a great dream. Jillian and Dolvet from Biggest Loser were training me, it was SUCH an awesome dream, one I did not want to wake up from but he had to be up and off early to head to Oshawa. Darn him! I don't like when I am having really good dreams and I get awoken from them...let me stay in dream land just a bit longer.
Also, remember that thing I mentioned I thought about on Sunday but couldn't remember...I remembered today! I don't remember exactly what was being said in church but it mad me think of Jacob and how respected he was. To see the love and care everyone who was around him had for him, his nurses, some of the doctors, the social worker, our priest, people who normally do show respect but the love they showed always makes me teary eyed. He may have only been here 2 1/2 days but he touched so many lives and for that so many people showed him the greatest respect and it is something I will never forget.
I'm crying just thinking about it, it meant so much to me, I mean the world to me that his nurse who was there when he passed away stayed past her shift to be with us, she was crying and hugging everyone too. The same one who sang to him while she was taking care of him. She showed him compassion, she showed us compassion and so much love for Jacob and I just can't describe how amazing of a feeling that was. Sure most nurses in the NICU probably have a bit more personality then the run of the mill nurses but his nurse went above and beyond what was expected and for that I am forever grateful to her. Everyone who saw him even after he passed away treated his cold little lifeless body with such respect, hugging him and kissing him, even after he was a few days passed. I will never forge the day of his funeral (which forgive me I think it was 7 days in between, he passed on the 7th and we had his funeral on the 14th, I could be wrong, I'm horrible with his funeral date, I know Ty's was October 22nd and I'm pretty sure Jacob's was September 14th) anyways, so seven days after he had passed and Stephen and I wanted to see him before we brought him into the sanctuary and our priest was there (the one that sadly moved to Edmonton but he will always be a part of our lives) he bent down, Jacob having been dead for 7 days and just as we finished saying good bye he leaned down and kissed him and it broke my heart, I mean in a good way. To show my son such respect and love and care means the world to me and it's something we didn't have with Ty.
It is just fitting to type this emotional sob fest of a blog today because on my way home I was so sad, it was one thing that led to another. I ordered a Groupon today for the Butterfly Conservatory in Cambridge and I was thinking about that and then the butterfly's made me think of Ty and I was thinking it'd be nice to go in the fall which made me think of the boys and fall and then I got sad and cried. It's just been an emotional afternoon since 4:30. Just another day I really miss the boys and the tears fall freely from my face.
But really, thinking of the people who showed Jacob so much respect, love and care, it hurts in a good way. It makes me sob, in a good way. It meant the world to me and still does, little moments others had with him, he did exist. He was loved by many and he touched many peoples lives. The guilt eats at me that we didn't get the same with Ty and there is no way to fix that then to remind myself we did what we could at the time (trust me, that doesn't do anything though) That's what it was though, something our new rector said that made me think about those times, in the NICU and at his funeral when my son was shown so much love and respect, more then some people see in a life time. There bittersweet memories but they are memories, more then we have with Ty and for that I am thankful. I am also incredibly thankful to everyone who showered him with love, songs, care, hugs, kisses and respect. And I better stop there before I repeat the words, love, respect and care anymore!
Day two at work was successful. I really like it there and I think I will be there for a long while because I have so much opportunity to grow. I've learned a lot over the last two days and have been taking notes so I can remember it all. This morning everyone was busy so I went about and did some things on my own and taught myself a few things while I was at it. I'm hoping to really impress them over the next few weeks (then it won't be such a blow when I announce I am pregnant and leaving on mat leave soon) I just really like it there, there is no stress, no one there gets stressed they all seem pretty laid back and the owner is such a nice guy, he's the kind of guy I like working for, someone who really appreciates his employees and you can tell he appreciates them. He takes them out to lunch, pays for benefits and I'm sure come holiday times he does something nice. I like working in a place where my hard work is noticed because then it makes me work even harder and I'm a lot more willing to go the extra mile and stretch for someone who treats me with respect as an employee. I always have loved working in smaller offices and I'm so glad to be back in one.
Of course today was great because I woke up to some AMAZING news from another baby loss mama and it made me so flippin excited. It really is about the small things in life that seem to make me happy and excited these days, I mean it could even be as small as someone getting me a bag of mini oreos (only like the mini, don't like the regular size) or bringing me a Rheo Thompson milk chocolate mint smoothie. But it also feels so good to feel excited, I can't get excited for myself, I can't be excited about this pregnancy, I'm thankful and blessed but my heart is so protective after losing Ty and Jacob. It won't let me get excited for me so instead I live through others and their excitement even though they don't necessarily feel excited themselves.
Not much else to report. Things seem to be starting to look up for us, though I will not hold my breath, I know they like to come crashing down at a moments notice but it would be nice to have some calm before our next major storm (I'm talking like a few decades if we can get away with it) Hopefully this time, having put our feet back on the ground we are able to build, because I am tired of putting on feet on the ground only to have the ground taken away from us and having to build again. It's be nice to build for awhile. Today was an okay day, perhaps even a good day....yes I'll even go out on a limb and say it was a good day. I've been in such a good mood today and am proud of the work I am doing at my new job, I was worried I'd lose my mojo but I still got it! I am still able to learn at a quick rate and teach myself, look for ways to make things better. So I am happy about that too. Plus it has been a great distraction the last two days and I really do think it will help my mood improve a bit...but man, it is EXHAUSTING!!! I'm pooped and ready for bed when I get home at 5:30!!!! So is the life of a working woman.
While sitting in church today listening to the readings something made me think of Jacob and it kind of upset me. I sat there thinking of writing a blog about it but by the time we got done running our errands and home I have forgotten what it was. So Instead I will talk about how I viewed the sermon and what it meant to me. What I took from today's sermon that even in darkness there is light (he was talking about all the violence this week in Colorado, Toronto and London, for the life of me I have no idea what happened in London, I'll have to check online) I still don't know what happened in London, but apparently there was some bad violence (doesn't surprise me for London with all the gangs we now have) Anyways, the sermon was about us being the light to others in all the darkness and that even in darkness people can still find light. I find that this sermon is really a reflection on what Stephen and I have been through. I mean we have most certainly been through some dark times but even in the midst of those dark times we still saw light. Even thought it seemed impossible some days, it was still there and how far we have come is a testimony to the light always shinning for us and a hell of a lot of work on grieving and learning to live with the death of our boys. And now, we are the light to others, to show them you can make it through and Heaven forbid, if someone goes on to have a second loss we are the light specifically to those as well that you can make it through. I know a lot of people have told us we are an inspiration to them, that we amaze people at how we can still manage to do so many wonderful things and keep a good composure of ourselves while we are out. I even had one lady tell me she never would have guessed we had experienced such tragedy because of the way I carry myself and talk.
Trust me, it took a lot of counseling, a lot of work on my part and God at my side. People ask me how I do it and I honestly don't have a real answer. I have this strength inside me that helped me get through which I completely attribute to God. Sure I don't talk a lot about God but him and I haven't exactly seen eye to eye over the last two years and I'm still new to this whole church thing but I have no doubt that he had everything to do with giving me the strength to make it through by not only making me capable but by sending Stephen into my life. Many may not know but the start of Stephen and I's relationship was very rocky. We ended up breaking up for a month but during the month my heart was set on him and it was set on giving him a second chance and again, I credit that to God.
It is mostly because of Stephen that I have chosen to see the light in the darkness. It is because he has taught me to always count my blessings and even on days when I don't feel I have any, there are still a ton of things I know I am blessed with and thankful for. For the people who ask how I do it, how I continue to keep positive and continue to see the light even in the dark, it is because I refuse to live in darkness. I don't like being there and yes some situations negate the fact I may have been there for awhile but it is then that I learned to open my eyes, truly open my eyes and see the world. To see the beauty and innocence of the world even though we are surrounded by bad things, bad things are news worthy so of course there the only things getting mentioned but even then, there is still good in this world, still beauty for all to see. You just have to be willing to look for it, to search it.
Stephen and I have been able to see the light in the midst of darkness and we always reach for it. Now, we are the light to others in the darkness and I am thankful we can be that. It's pretty awesome to be so inspiring to people, to let people know that no matter what you face in life you can make it through. But I will be honest. I did not do this alone. I had to suck up my pride (I'm stubborn and very independent, or so I use to be, I'm not anymore. Now I just like to use a lot of commas) and seek out help, seek out counseling, to recognize when I needed to go on medication to keep surviving. I needed to deal with my grief instead of trying to hide it, I hit it head on. I did not let it get the better of me. I fought for myself, I fought for my light and yes it was and continues to be hard at times but it is far greater to struggle and find something better then to put everything aside and let the world swallow me up, let myself wallow in grief. I chose to see the light in the dark and now I pass along that light as I take place of those who need to see the light. It is possible. It's not easy, it hurts, it's hard, it sucks, you have every right to have a pity party, but when you choose to see the light in the dark you will see and you will become something truly beautiful. Then the best part, you get to pass it on to those in the dark and help them out which is the best feeling in the world!
And on that note it is time for me to go pack my lunch for I embark on a new adventure of shedding light tomorrow at my new job. I am very excited about it and it's the first time I do not feel a tad nervous about starting a new job. I just felt so comfortable and welcomed there, I know this is where I am suppose to be. I know God has put me there for a reason and I cannot wait to see how I can shed my light to those in the dark!
P.S. I know I don't usually write about sermons but I find some of them so meaningful to me and I would have written about many more but my brain has only recently decided to start remembering things which surprises me because on top of grief brain I now have pregnancy brain which makes for a horrible memory lapse. I hope to write more and make these my good, inspiring blogs because that's how I feel after church. I may still be learning this whole new God thing but I do find church gives me peace, calm, reassurance, hope and strength. I have never left feeling worse, only better. It may not be for all but I do encourage you, if you are in the dark looking for light to seek out something, give it a try, if not for the God aspect at the beginning (like me) for the community and the messages of hope that church brings (well some churches, I know there are some crazy ones out there) Whatever religion you may be or want to learn, maybe that is where you will find your light.
Last night was our Bereaved Families 5K run, I volunteered the last two years as a people watcher due to the miracle of life growing inside me. Stephen has run the past two years (and got a new records time this year, plus a trip to the ambulance because he almost passed out, I told him NO passing out but he didn't listen) Anyways, when we get together with our infant loss families we almost always have a nice time but tonight was a bit different because there was oh about 4995 other people there as well so I was a bit anxious. But really, once we got there and met up with everyone, it was like no one else existed (unless you were trying to fight your way through the crowd to get to the food, drinks or bathroom) I know before I have often said that I'm at a point where I am having okay days. Not great but not horrible, okay, however tonight I can officially say I had a GREAT night!!!!! I really did, I enjoyed myself, laughed, cried, everything, it was so nice. I cannot say how blessed Stephen and I are and how thankful we are to have such awesome people in our life. I really did have a GREAT night and I feel amazing after it! These people are such a blessing in our life, we know them only because of our loss but we all have become so much more.
It's amazing the relationships and bonds we create with others in our situation. Our get togethers aren't always sad, sometimes we laugh and have a great time but sometimes we cry because we miss our angels but it feels so right and not awkward at all. It's like we can switch from talking about one thing, to our angels, on to something else and it's so normal for us. And we know when these people ask how we are, they want the hard core raw truth, they don't want the fake smile with the standard "I'm okay" they want to know because they really do care. It's also so amazing to see how everyone goes through their grief. Some angels passed away almost 3 years ago, some 2, some 1 and some not even 1 yet. But no matter where we are in our journeys we all get it, we all understand each other and I'm thankful we have that because not everyone does and I can only imagine how hard that is for some people. So thank you to all our wonderful extended family members, we love you all so much, we care about you all so much, we pray for each of you every night, we thank God you are in our lives and especially for tonight, Thank you for helping me have a GREAT night. It may not have been the full day but I'll totally take the 5 hours that it was!
I love the weather we have been having, it's my favourite kind, cool but sunny. At the same time that I love it, it also reminds me so much about the boys (they both passed away in the Fall time) Every time I breathe the air or step outside I think of the boys and everything that has to do with them. I think about the day of their funerals and how beautiful the weather was, sunny but cool. Just like the last few days.....it's a bittersweet reminder of what should be. I was laying in bed with Charlie looking outside and it made me think of all the days I laid in bed after losing Ty and Jacob and how many days I just laid there looking out at the beauty of the crisp blue sky and the green leaves (which were starting to change colour) As heartbreaking of a reminder that this kind of weather is, I still love it. It still gives me hope and I still have many dreams.
On a side note, I think Milo (our cat) is taking this "eating for two" thing too seriously, he is getting so fat! Hopefully this new food fills him up longer and helps his allergies. Poor guy just can't seem to stop scratching (and no it's not fleas, we know it's food related) I contacted the Wellness brand who makes it to ask if they changed there formula, they said no but I know something changed, or at least this bag we have because Charlie is itchy too (and we know it's not fleas) Here's to hoping this new food can help them both!
Off to the Bereaved Families 5K tonight. I can remember a year ago how hot it was and there I was 7 months pregnant sitting in the sun waiting for Stephen....so thankful the weather this year is gorgeous! Also looking forward to seeing some people we miss seeing and hoping Stephen doesn't pass out like he almost did last year. Ewww...I just remembered, he really smelled last year after his run, I hope it doesn't make me gag until I toss my cookies!
We've been keeping a small secret.......we are expecting baby #3!!! I found out on Saturday May 26th (11dpo) with a very faint positive pregnancy test. It was the day A and I went to the Bumps, Babies and Toddlers expo....how very fitting, I did belong, myself and my tiny 4 1/2 week bump. Our official due date is February 1st (my birthday) but due to the fact that we will be delivering before 37 weeks, our baby will be here right around New Years, not sure if it will be a 2012 baby or a 2013 baby, only time will tell.
In respect to those who read this blog who are baby loss mamas, I know how hard it can be to read about other pregnant women, even those that have suffered loss, it's okay, I get it, I've been there. Heck, I'm still there and I know how much it hurts so I have decided to start a separate pregnancy blog. If you all notice, at the top right there is a new button labeled "B". You can follow more in depth pregnancy posts there. I just feel this blog is about grief and though I probably will occasionally mention something to do with Bee, I don't want it to be all about her. But I can't deny that grief plays a huge role in a subsequent pregnancy so I still want to share that with those who read and may be on a similar journey, however, for those who aren't and have a hard time hearing about others pregnancies, the main blog will still mostly be about the boys and grief.
P.S. There is a lot of catch up reading to do, I didn't want to post anything too soon but I was still writing away. I think I'm up to 25 blogs....you'll be busy reading away the next few days :0) I debated whether or not to post one a day but I'd never be able to catch up so all blogs related to pregnancy are up and the oldest ones at the bottom (newest at the top)
Today I had to head back to St. Joe's hospital here in tow. My thyroid has decided recently that it needs to go through a mid life crisis and skip town so that meant a trip to the doc and some blood tests to see exactly where it is at and adjust my medicine as needed. I only found out about the appointment yesterday so I didn't have much time to prepare. But, that did not mean the flood of emotions did not come back as soon as I walked in Grovsenor Entrance #2. I DREAD going to St. Joe's I was so happy they moved most things over to Vic because I do not like going to St. Joe's. I have nothing but bad bad memories of that place. The last time I was there, visiting the thyroid doc was when I was pregnant with Jacob, before we knew about his situation. But St. Joe's is also the same place we spent an entire day (literally 8am and didn't leave until about 4pm) learning all about Jacob's diagnosis. I remember that day so well, like it was almost yesterday. My parents, Stephen and I piled into the car and headed off. I know I've blogged about it before so I won't go into details but as I sat there waiting for the doc my mind went there. It went to everything that happened that day and I got very emotional. It was one of the hardest days of our life. Going back there today just made me remember everything associated with that day and all I wanted was to run away, to escape but the endo doc always takes an hour so I knew I was stuck. I suffered silently while I waited and just sat thinking about that day, my mind would not let me switch to thinking about something else. It's the place, it's being in that place that brings all these memories back.
I was so thankful after we lost Ty to have the whole maternity centre moved so everything we went through with Jacob was in a new place and didn't have so much emotion tied to it, well I mean now it does. It's hard to be in some of the same places I was with the boys (one of the reasons a new job was a better choice for me) and trust me, if we could we would move because this place is hard to live in sometimes. But we must stay for now and as for other places, I'm pretty good at avoiding them however, there are times like today when I have to face my fear and visit places that cause a lot of emotion. I can remember Stephen and I had to go to St. Joes a few months ago, for the life of me I can't remember why but we were there and it was around lunch so we went down to the cafeteria and had lunch. Sitting there I got teary eyed because the last time we were sitting there was on that day, in between all of our appointments, trying to get some food down with my mom and I both crying. It hurts to have those memories, to feel such attachment emotionally to a place. I really do no like hospitals, I had no problem before but since the loss of both boys, those places bring back hard memories. Memories filled with emotion.
I did survive today though and won't go back for 6 months, just have to do monthly blood tests (which I suspected) since my thyroid seems to be having a lot of problems at the moment. But that is fine, as long as I do not have to set foot in St. Joe's for awhile. That place has so much more emotional feelings then Vic does. I'm okay with Vic but St. Joe's, that's one of the places I avoid at all costs!
And on that note, I think I deserve some peach rhubarb crisp for being able to go and survive this morning!c
I had recently bought some local peaches and rhubarb and tonight I decided to make a crisp with them. OMG, it was the best crisp I have ever made and it tasted sooooo good! It also made the house smell delicious. Perhaps it was the added nutmeg in with the fruit that made it the best, who knows, I just wanted to let you all know I had such a great dessert tonight and it was simply scrumptious! This was the recipe I used....I STRONGLY urge you to make it and with fresh local fruit if you can:
Mmm....your mouth will be watering as is mine!
Stephen ended up coming home last night and I was very thankful. I always feel better when he is here with me. Though that meant he had to leave this morning at 6am (he was up at 5) poor guy! BUT, the end is near, these almost daily trips will be done soon, or at least severely reduced. He still has to go back up for a few days in August but after that maybe only once in a while. I'm so thankful and I hope they do not make him travel in bad winter weather, I'd not be okay with that. Especially in our tiny car...though we may get snow tires it doesn't do a whole lot when a semi comes crashing into you. I have a fear of car accidents. I've been in two, one was pretty bad and I still suffer from it to this day. Add on top the time our last car almost killed us on the highway, I get a lot of anxiety while driving. Mostly in our smaller cars because driving in Stephens truck I feel a lot safer. Too bad we can't keep it.
I don't know what my plans are for today. I think I may go look into getting the fur babies a new food and hoping that cuts down on Milo's allergies. Perhaps mopping the floors since I didn't get to it yesterday and making some meatballs. I start work in less then a week and I am both excited and nervous about it. I always get nervous starting a new job but this time I've met everyone there and they all seem so wonderful so it has eased a bit of the anxiety. I'm just worried how my body will handle it. I've been very good about staying awake during the day and getting up early (minus today, today was a rough morning) but I'll get back on track tomorrow. I'll have to think of some lunch ideas and snack and go shopping this weekend. The office isn't really located near many food places so I have to bring my own, which is probably better anyways.
I did end up going out, picked up some fabric to make peasant dresses, ordered the boys food (fur boys) and grabbed some meat to make meatballs...yah for today going by relatively not at snails pace. I may have also picked up a slice of cheesecake to indulge in.....
I was also thinking lately, and I don't think I mentioned it before. One of the reasons I am very excited about my new job is because I have the opportunity to grow and go back to school (which they cover and I've been wanting to go back to school) After losing the boys my heart was set on working in non-profit working with people who experience loss or hardships and my heart is still very much set on doing that. The thing about where I am going to work is it's kind of similar to that line of work. I'm working for a place that helps people with bankruptcy issues and in one sense, that is a loss, that's a loss of someones life and the need to get back on ones feet. You are dealing with people who have hit a hard point in their lives and some may very well have had a lot of losses jobs, houses, cars, lifestyles they were accustomed too. Given, it's not human loss or more specifically infant loss but there really are no jobs in that line so I figure this is the next best option. I am really excited to start work and even more so to go back to school and get some counseling classes in. I'm so thankful for this opportunity and I just know God put me there for a reason.
I don't know if I mentioned, since accepting the job I have had 3 additional calls for interviews at a place I really wanted to be but I turned them all down (of course they all come at once, they couldn't come two months ago when I was looking) but I contemplated for a day about whether or not to just go to them but I decided not to. I have an amazing opportunity waiting for me at this new place and I am very excited about all the doors it will open for me (and YAH I get to take some more courses which I LOVE doing!) As tempting as it was, I know I am going to be where I am needed and can do many great things for many great people well working more in the line of work I want to. Though it's not non-profit it's purpose is to still help people going through a difficult time and that is what I want in life, to help them.
I said goodbye to Stephen this morning as he is on one of his weekly trips to Barrie but this time it turned into an overnight stay. Boo urns!!! I do not like this part of his job and am so thankful they hired a new guy so he can stop these trips. I was not prepared for this but I have been able to handle it before so I'll try again to stay strong today/night and Tuesday. I have lots of things to do today and errands to run so I know I'll be busy and like many suggested, I treat myself to a yummy dinner and a movie and maybe even a special treat. Now as for Tuesday, well I'm clueless, I cleaned today so the house is clean. Maybe I'll try some of these new pinterest recipes I have been pinning. I don't know. Maybe some sewing, knitting, or just being lazy. I guess I could also get the meal menu board going and make some plans for lunches for work.....since it's a week away from the big day!
I ended up getting up early this morning (7am) I figured I'd start waking up at 7am this week in preparation for going back to work next week so it doesn't knock my socks off having to get up early. The last few days I have been getting up at 8 and trying to stay awake all day, going out and running errands just so my body starts to adjust but I must say, come 2 or 3 o'clock I am ready to pull out my pillow for a snooze. I do hope with some adjustments this week I can adjust and perhaps the first week or two I'll have to take a quick nap when I get home. The only downfall to getting up so early is I'm up and ready to run my errands but nothing is open so I can't. I guess I can get some kitty snuggles in and enjoy my toast with my yummy homemade peach jam. It's a bit more like jellie but still good non the less. Maybe I'll go spend some time with the boys before it gets too hot out....oh the things I can do today. Now all I need to decide is what dinner and treat I want tonight! I really want perogies but we are going to perogie palace later this week to celebrate my new job so I must wait because I know nothing will compare to there homemade perogies and stuffed cabbage rolls....now I'm hungry...darnit. This toast is no longer satisfying my hunger.
Not much else is going on, with Stephen gone today/night I am going to print off some baseball pictures for his room and get some frames. My goal is to have everything I need so we can work on it the moment he leaves in a few weeks. Actually it's only two weeks away....wow it's almost August? Where has this year gone? I can remember when it was February and I was wanting it to be September (because I like fall weather) and now well, it's coming! Jacob's 1st Birthday and Ty's 2nd will be here before I know it. I have perfected Ty's birthday pumpkin cheesecake but I need to work on my carrot cake for Jacob since I've never made one before and you know it has to be perfect! I also have to think of what presents to get them....last year we got Ty a Noah's Ark boat toy (of course he'll share it with any future siblings) but this year he'd be two so we can get some more fun toys. I'd love to get a little bike or wagon but we have no outside storage and I don't want them stolen from the backyard. If our backyard was fenced it it'd be a different story (we'd have a fire pit, a pool, a patio set etc) but no we must wait until we move. I'm still tempted to buy a small kiddie pool for up here, the only thing is our deck gets full sun all day long and I can't put a huge shade umbrella up because we have the hydro wire hanging down and we don't want to get electrocuted. Don't worry, for the most part it's high enough so no one can touch it but we have to be careful about tall things.
Alright, I guess it is time for me to start my errands.....
I received some GREAT tips yesterday and am now armed with a plan. I still need to gather a lot of things but I have a plan now. I did pick up some general baseball things (bat and balls) and found a way to do my own pictures. It's hard to hide everything so Stephen won't look but I figure the best bet would be under the crib. Of course, I bet the one time he looks under there would be between now and when I do his room.....I'm going to paint some kind of mural on the way, decopage the light plate, make some push pins, put up some shelves and add the baseball memorabilia. I figure if I can do most things myself and go with a general baseball theme now I can get one big item (perhaps a signed jersey or a ball) and then add as we go along and have some extra cash (if that will ever happen) I'm really excited, I just want him to go away on his overnight now....
This week I am preparing myself for going back to work. I went out and bought myself a new lunch bag with some ice packs, some new clothes and I'll be adjusting my sleep schedule so it's not a shock to me come Monday morning. I'll also be working on staying up during the day, no naps, and going out to do things to get my body use to it again. I don't know if I took on too much going back full time but only time will tell. I'm trying to view it as going off my "mat" leave, most women go right back into work full time after mat leave and they handle it so I should be fine too. It also seems my job isn't too stressful and the people there seem very level headed like they dont freak out over small things. I think the first little while I will be inputting applications and learning the new computer system which will be easy to handle....I wonder if I can listen to the radio, that always really helped me at where I use to work. I'll have to ask.....I also need to get some plants for my office and a jar of candy. I don't plan on bringing in pictures for a while but maybe hang up some inspirational quotes or something nice....put up some butterflies and suns as a reminder to me....but secret for awhile. It's not that I want to hide the boys but I want and need to prove myself before everything comes up. I want them to know they still made the right decision even with all the baggage but that I know how to handle my baggage and deal with it when appropriate.
And on that note, it is church time! I have to say, our new rector is great! I am REALLY looking forward to church now, he has such a great sense of humor (and did I mention he swears, I love when priests swear, then I don't feel so bad when I let one slip) but I am really excited for the direction our church is going and look forward to the many wonderful things that are happening, you all should be jealous and you all (if you live in London) should come check us out one Sunday morning!
I decided to spend the afternoon making homemade peach jam. My nanny always use to make it and I loved it, I have the recipe and now I get to share it with my family (the only difference is I keep the skin on as I love the skin pieces on my toast) Mmmm....now if it would just cool down so I could eat it! Sitting here typing this is getting hard, both the kitties are on the sides of me sleeping and they keep yawning, its making me sooo sleepy! Perhaps I'll have a few moments of shut eye...it is the weekend afterall.
I decided to post this on here because my husband never reads my blogs (of course watch this be the one he reads right?) If you are reading this Stephen STOP....don't ruin your surprise!
Okay, I'm looking for some help. My husband is an incredible man. I would be lost without him, he has been my rock through our losses and I love him more than anything. He has worked so incredibly hard the last 8 months. He travels 2-3 times a week 3 hours on a one way trip for work, just to make sure he gets hours in to provide for the family. I know it's no fun for him, it's quite boring but he does it out of love for his family. He has done so much for me and continues to do so much for me so I'd like to show him how appreciated he is. He is going away for a few days at the end of this month (don't worry my mom's coming to stay with me so I won't be alone) and during that time we are going to re-do his office. He spends a lot of time in there since he works a lot from home and I want it to be about him. So, we are changing it to a baseball themed room.
Here's where I need the help. I have absolutely no idea where to get baseball memorabilia from. I've looked on mlb.com and found a few little things. I'm not really looking for anything in particular, he is a huge Blue Jays and Phillies fan but I'm sure he'd take any team memorabilia. I don't know where to look so if anyone knows of any good stores (in London) or online sites that I can get some perhaps signed items, or game used items please let me know. I'm also asking that if you have anything in your house that is baseball memorabilia related and you could care less for it, I'm willing to buy it from you. Having said all of this, I'm on a really tight budget, I'd love to get a signed jersey but I'm sure that'd blow the whole budget so I am hoping someone who reads this knows of a good place to go or perhaps has a few items they are more than willing to part with. I really wish I could get some cool things but again, tight budget. Also, does anyone know if I send a picture to a certain baseball player if they will sign and return it?
I really need some ideas and more importantly some items so please, if you know of anything or if you have anything, please let me know. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'm willing to pay bottom dollar for some good items or if you feel the need to also recognize my husbands awesomeness in all he does please send something. In order to keep this all a secret I will be using a different mailing address, so if you plan on sending something, contact me first to get the secret address.
I'm really hoping to find some game used things (don't have to be signed) and if I can get a certain game used item from a certain date, it would be perfect! I have to find the exact date but we were there while I was pregnant with Jacob and he caught a ball but because he is so nice he gave it away to a guy to give to his kid (even though he has always wanted to catch and keep a ball) I would love to find a game used ball from that day but I have no idea if they even do that....so any ideas or suggestions on where to look or if you would like to send something, please contact me. Of course there will be pictures posted and recognition given.
I ran into a situation the other day that I was going to complain about, write a post on my facebook and mention it here but then I sat and really thought about it and decided not to. I'll share the story because it really does show how much my grief has changed me. I went out to get breakfast the other day, well I was out and needed to eat. I stopped at Tim Horton's and because I wanted to make sure they got my order correct I actually went inside (my husband would be so proud) I ordered my egg white sandwich on an English muffin with bacon, an apple juice and a bran muffin. I got the bran muffin and my apple juice and waited for my sandwich. I didn't check in the store to make sure it was the correct one as I thought it would be. But I got in the car, opened it up to eat it and realized it wasn't the correct order. My first thought was to turn around, go back in and tell them they had it wrong. My second thought was to just suck it up, take the sausage off and eat the rest then go home and complain about a ruined day (the old me would have done these two options) I should say that my sandwich was wrong because it had sausage instead of bacon. I'm not a sausage fan so I was disappointed. As I was driving my mind started to change. I was thinking, don't complain because you are blessed to even have the ability to buy something from Tim Hortons. Don't complain because you are blessed to have a car to drive and get to food. Don't complain because you are blessed to have the money to buy food. Don't complain because you are blessed to have food ready and waiting for you at a moments notice. By the time I got home (a whole 2 minute drive) I realized I was so blessed and that I would eat the sausage sandwich because I was blessed to even have that.
I realized I was blessed with so many things, a car, money, health, family, friends, everything. Getting the wrong sandwich just reminded me of how blessed I am. That is a huge change for me, so I didn't complain, I happily ate my sausage egg sandwich and thanked God I was able to. It doesn't take a lot for me to be at ground level anymore, it's the simple things that remind me I am truly blessed and I don't have a lot to complain about. That being said, I was surprised I even got upset about something so small. Normally, before I would have just said something, I have said things in the past. But something so menial and small really upset me. It just shows me that I am still in a very vulnerable stage.
Who ever would have guessed that a wrong sandwich order would put me back in place, make me realize that I am so blessed. So thank you to the lady at Tim's who got my order wrong, you really made my day great. On a day I would have normally been annoyed (like most people get) I was blessed. I still don't like sausage but I was thankful I even had it to eat.
So now that it is official, I can finally announce it.......I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember the huge stressor I said I couldn't mention yet well I can finally talk about it. Job hunting is anything but fun. I have been looking for 8 weeks now. I was hopping to find something before my disability ended and could start somewhere new. But, the last few weeks things have been getting down to the wire and I was afraid I would have to go back to where I was before, which was not in my plans and it could have come at a great cost. I won't say a lot about where I use to work but I have been looking and the plan always was to look for a new job after the boys as I really had no room for growth and it's something I'm always looking to do. There were many reasons I chose not to go back, I will say there are some great people there but I am much more use to a small office environment and wanted to get back into that so I could have room to grow my abilities.
I am extremely excited about my new endeavors. It's in an area I am not that familiar with so I get to learn a bunch of new things (which I love and really look for in a job) I like to be challenged and constantly learning new things and I wasn't getting that where I use to be so I made the decision to look elsewhere. It was not an easy process, it has been 8 weeks, I have sent out over 100 resumes, had two other interviews that I did not get hired for and I was at the point where I was ready to give up and just go back to where I was before. Even if only temporary until I could find something else. To be honest, I didn't even want to go to this interview. I was sick last Thursday and considered many times calling to cancel and just getting my mind wrapped around going back to where I was before but God, nope he made me go. He put it in my heart to at least just go and do it. I needed more interview practice anyways. So with his motivation and guidance I went, despite REALLY NOT wanting to go I still went. Then I got there and I met the man who would be my boss and he is one of the nicest men I have met (of course next to my father, my husband and my father in law) he was just a sweet older man and we got talking and sitting there I realized why God had made me go. This is where he wanted me. I had prayed for months to be guided to a place that would be supportive of everything I have been through and everything we will face in the future. Just sitting there I could sense of wonderful of a place it would be to work. It is a small office of only 4 people (including me) in a really cute old little house off of Oxford. Leaving the interview my heart had changed and I really wanted this job now. I had hoped that I didn't bomb the interview with my initial displeasure. I sent a thank you note as I always do and received a response saying they would contact me for a second interview. YAHHH I didn't bomb, I did well (maybe thats the key to a good interview, not caring) So of course I was elated to be called in for a second interview and to meet the other ladies who worked there (who seem lovely) sent another thank you for the second interview and received some emails from my references that they had been called and then I received an email from my boss saying to call back this afternoon where he officially offered me the job. I will go in on Thursday to wrap things up with them and then sort things out with everything else.
I am beyond excited for what this means, I am excited for the possibilities this will lead me too and something I can really make a career out of since it is very specific. I am so thankful God made me go that day and opened my eyes to how wonderful this new place will be. I really love small office environments, I have always had good experiences in them because you really do all work as a team and I don't find that in bigger offices. The more people the more issues you have so I am excited I get to go back into a small office setting, which is my comfort, which is my preference because I have always been able to grow in smaller offices and learn and not be stuck in one role with no where to go. Don't get me wrong, I love administrative stuff as thats what I am use to but having worked in law for 3 years, I want to learn more, I want to be more involved in the law side of things and this job presents that opportunity for me so I really am thrilled and I'm thrilled I can let the cat out of the bag and share with all of you so no one has to think of any more scenarios. This job also provides opportunities to go back to school and take some courses (which I've always wanted to do)
This week has been a really good week, I fixed EI, I got a new job, besides being sick, it has been great! I guess I should just know better than to not eat chili that has been in the freezer for who knows how long, especially since it has beef in it and I haven't had beef in weeks (I switch between not eating red meat and going back) It feels so good to be able to share the secret news! I don't know if its what anyone expected but it's the secret I have been keeping! Obviously I couldn't mention it at the time as I didn't want to risk loosing my position where I use to be in case I HAD to go back but now that it is out, man it feels good!
I am very thankful for the opportunity, now here is where the grief will get me.....I know children will be brought up and in a few weeks when I decide I'm comfortable and will wear short sleeves, the tattoos will be seen. I know I'm going to have to face talking about them and it does scare me a little because I have been so emotional about them lately. I think my head is finally clearing and things are more real to me and it makes me miss them so much. My heart hurts so much for them, but if it wasn't for them, I may have not taken a risk and pushed myself to look for a better place to work, someplace I would be more happy at. I wouldn't have this opportunity if it weren't for them. They were my driving force behind the decision to make this huge life changing change. It wasn't an easy task to decide but I knew I was unhappy where I was, I was miserable. Like I said, there were some great people there I will really miss (but hope to keep seeing outside of work) but the work atmosphere was just not what I am use to, the limited ability to grow is not what I was use to. On top of the fact I just do not think I could bring myself to go back and sit in the same chair, do the same work and see the same people. When I thought of going back my anxiety got so bad I had panic attacks. I made myself so sick with worry that I knew going back was my absolute last option. I am very thankful I have found a better solution for my family. Of course the first few weeks will be a bit stressful but starting new jobs always is. I have a lot to learn and even more so, I have a lot to prove. I've been out of the game for awhile so I need to make sure my mind is clear and focused so I can prove to them that they made the best choice. Going back to work full time in two weeks will be a HUGE change in my life. Right now I spend a lot of the day just being lazy at home. I've spent so much time working on grief and am incredibly thankful I have had this time to figure out how to get back into the real world. I will be seeing a social worker to help me with readjusting but due to the fact that I don't want to have to take any time off for the first month, it'll be hard to work it in.
Anyways, thats the big news I have been hiding and it feels so good to get it out. Now I can write about how getting a new job works when you are still grieving. I'm sure it'll bring challenges but I intend on taking them head on and dealing with them as they come. Here is to my new job, a place I felt so welcomed in, even just for my interview. A place I see myself growing at and a place I am so thankful to have the opportunity to work at. Above all, I thank God for giving me the motivation to go that day as it ended up turning out to be something wonderful.
Charlie has been such a snuggle bunny lately, I LOVE IT! I've been having a tough time with my emotions lately, really missing the boys and he has picked up on it and showered me with his snuggles. I've spent the last few days just chilling on the couch, I'm in a low spot and just wanted some time to rest before the next few weeks endeavors. It has been so nice just to lay on the couch and snuggle all day with him. It makes me think about laying with the boys and getting some snuggles in with them. The best thing about pet therapy is that it really works. I find myself so utterly peaceful and fearless. It takes all the stress and anxiety away. I'm so thankful I decided to adopt Charlie, he is such an awesome addition to our family (and I realize I still need to write a blog about him) but in is hard to find time to write in between all of these snuggles! He is insisting that I get back to snuggle him asap so I am off for the day...stay tuned for the exciting news tomorrow. At least I hope it's as exciting tomorrow....
I do have news but I can't share it yet, check back Thursday for the big reveal!!!!!
Prayers for tomorrow would be appreciated....hoping I can blog about it soon enough and clear some of the suspicion up....it's the other BIG stressor in our life and it would be fantastic if it could work its way out and be rid of! Speaking of ridding of stressor, I FINALLY got a hold of someone today about this whole EI fiasco. The office opens at 8:30, I called at 8:40 and it was too busy I couldn't get through. I called diligently for 15 minutes straight and finally made it to the "your call has been placed in order" at least I got somewhere. So I wait and wait and wait some more, 21:34 minutes later someone picks up, I'm not a happy camper at this point and I can tell she isn't either. I explain what's going on and that I need my file escalated again so she tells me to hold while she looks up my file but instead decides to hang up. So I am FUMING at this point, I've already been on hold, already pissed off and now I try to call back and there back to the too busy can't help you. I diligently call for about 10 more minutes until I get the "your call has been placed in order" again, another 18:24 passes by and someone answers, I start by saying I've already called and been hung up on so please don't do that. I was not happy but, here's a pet peeve of mine, I was furious, I've had it, they messed up royally and we're just messing with me more, but the second time I called I got happy lady. You all know who I am talking about, the lady that no matter how hard you try to be mad and get your point across in a stern way you can't because she is just so damn nice and happy and chipper and it puts you in a damn chipper mood too even though you have every reason to be pissed.
Anyways she was very nice and calmed me down immensely. We talked for a good while to get things sorted out and she said she would escalate my file BUT also send a note saying it was urgent (yah lady on the phone, you made my day!) After waiting two weeks I was totally expecting not to hear anything for another two days and have to call back again (I do want to send them my phone bill for this month, I do believe they should pay my overages in minutes) but about an hour later I FINALLY got a call. I had this lady on the phone for awhile as well, asking lots of questions, clarifying things with her, asking what I need to do and what happens next and requesting a letter about all that has happened and here's the kicker....like I knew, Someone did go ahead and process a claim that was never filed, I knew I never filed anything after Jacob because I knew I'd be on disability once he passed, someone there received an ROE for me and assumed since it had to do with a baby I wanted mat leave...opps......someone made a mistake. Anyways, I got that all sorted out but now I have to deal with the CRA. Because I was given benefits of which I did not apply for it messed up our taxes and the CRA said we now owe them money and the tax credits we were counting on this month, we didn't get them because of this mix up. So now they need proof the money is paid back and they said it may take a few months to credit us back the money but I told them, it took you one week to take our money away from us and say we owe it to you and I expect when my name is cleared off EI you only take a week as well or they will have many angry phone calls to them as well. I just hope I don't get the chipper lady, there's nothing worse then being pissed and wanting to yell at someone but then you get Mrs. Chipper and you just can't. You have to go and bee all kittens and puppies about things. I will say though, it did immensely reduce my stress so I guess getting Mrs. Chipper wasn't so bad after all and now things with EI are sorted....or so I have been told, we'll see what comes in the mail the next few weeks and now I get to deal with the CRA.
One stressor down and hopefully after tomorrow two down! Really praying I can share some news (GOOD NEWS may I add) with everyone soon!
The last few days I have been going through the boys things, thanks to my nanny I received a family heirloom cedar chest and of course I knew what it was for, the boys memory box stuff (as we thankfully have a lot of stuff from them). I took my time switching over the old box to the new box, looked at the pictures, all my hospital menus, smelled Jacobs blanket (which have the horrible NICU smell on them, but that's my baby) listened to his heartbeat in the bear we have (we actually have it recorded twice) smelled some of the flowers that were dried from Ty's flowers....and because that wasn't emotional enough I decided last night I really want to go through their scrapbooks. Ty has a real scrapbook, Jacob's is a digital one from on line. I was very emotional going through them, I miss my boys so much it hurts so bad. But I was also able to smile, reading about things that I went through pregnant with Ty, what I craved and how I felt, reading the poems about angels in Jacob's book, they may have only been here 9 months each but they have left a huge spot on my heart. One thing really caught me off guard though....
While looking through Ty's scrapbook I couldn't help but stare at the pictures of me. I sat there looking deep into my eyes, eyes that were so unaware of such tragedy, eyes that were simply content and happy. I will never be that person again, the innocence has been ripped away and twice at that. All I know is sorrow. I just sat staring, thinking back to what it felt like at the time, so oblivious to anything ever going wrong. We had our goals, our dreams and our hopes and we were set. We were having Ty, moving into a house, Stephen was getting a better job and that was going to be our life. At least that's what my eyes said. It's of course not how it turned out and as I was going through Jacob's scrapbook I was even caught more off guard. Again I sat staring into my eyes but this time, those eyes showed pain, those eyes showed sorrow and tragedy. Those eyes were no longer innocent, they showed hurt and tears. In a matter of months our lives were forever changed. What we thought were our goals, dreams and hopes turned out to be nothing more than a wish. Most days now they seem unattainable. It just really upset me to look through Ty's and see such happiness and hope and then to go through Jacob's and see me so hurt, sad, depressed and the person who was full of life in Ty's scrapbook, was full of emptiness in Jacob's. All of this having taken place in less then a year. The woman in Ty's scrapbook will never exist again, sure parts of me may come back and I do hope I can truly feel happiness again but I know it'll never be the same.
I still go through their drawers of clothes sometimes and imagine what they would look like (just like I did while pregnant with them) expect I never found out, I still have to create imagines in my mind because I never had the chance to have my dreams fulfilled. I love going through their stuff but at the time it also hurts so much. If you've been to our house you know we don't hide our boys, they are all around us and they always will be. They will always have a prominent wall in our house dedicated to them. If it makes our guests uncomfortable well I'm sorry, but how do you think we feel. We live it every day and we are proud of our boys, they have taught us so much and just taking the time to look back on their little lives reminds us of how blessed we are. I'm thankful we have 2 1/2 days with Jacob, I'm thankful we knew a head of time and prepared as much as we could making sure to do everything we wanted to. I'm thankful even though we don't have a lot for Ty we can still create things so that he is equally as remembered as Jacob (speaking of which, if anyone knows where I can get a very cheap small baptismal gown and hat please let me know, I want to make a box for Ty and we never got one for him) I'm thankful that through Ty we found a church we are now a part of (we had been searching for quite a few months) I am thankful that through Ty we learned who we could lean on in tough times and who our real friends were (though I must say, we've been really lucky in the fact that most of our friends are awesome already and really stepped up to help out, we haven't really lost any friends) I'm thankful that Ty increased my love for veggies and fruits (I was really adventurous with him) and I'm thankful Jacob increased my love for sweets. I could go on and on about all the wonderful blessings each boy has left us with but some I like to keep private, I like to share a special connection with Stephen that only him and I and our boys have.
I have been blessed with so many memories and I'm so thankful I get to share those memories with the people we love. I'm proud of my boys and love to talk about them and show their scrapbooks to people. Sure, I may still get a little teary eyed but it's because I just love them so damn much! I love when people use their names and I especially love when people send a card or do something in memory of our boys on their birthdays. I may only have a few memories but they are the most cherished memories I have and of course they make me cry but at the same time they also make me smile. Some may not understand that but that is the life of a grieving mother.
A lot of people always tell me they see me as a strong person. I don't see it when I look in the mirror, in fact, I see a very weak person but one that can buck up and make it through hard situations. People always ask me how I do it, I really have no other option. I don't want to live a bitter and negative life pushing away all my family and friends and being left with nothing. I still want happiness in my life and I know it does exist, even after all we have been through. I'd be lying if I said I did this by myself. I honestly do not know how I got through but I do know that God had a big hand in it. My husband had a big hand it in. Our family, friends and infant loss family had a hand in it. But the biggest thing for me, the thing I pull my strength from are two circumstances I've experienced. 1. I laboured and gave birth to a baby I knew already had passed. I knew there would only be tears from me, I knew we would be leaving the hospital empty handed. I knew there would be a funeral, I knew he would not be coming home with us. I spent 12 hours in pain, birthing a baby I knew was not alive. 2. I carried a child for 18 weeks knowing he would not come home with us. Knowing what ever preparations we made wouldn't matter. I knew there would be another funeral. I knew we would again leave empty handed and again he would not be coming home with us. But I lovingly carried him for another 18 weeks. I went through surgery to get him out, I spent countless hours awake so I could spend every moment possible with him. I pumped until I was in pain and bleeding and then pumped some more to give him every possible chance.
When people ask me how I do it, I say it's because I hurt so much because I have loved so much and I gain my strength from my boys. All my motivation and inspiration comes from my boys. Just because they are not here does not mean I can't still become a better person. I have learned so much through each pregnancy and each loss and it has truly turned me into a better person, a better parent. I do it because they fought for me and I fought back for them. I do it because I do not want their deaths to be in vain. As tragic as their deaths are, there have been many blessings that have come from them. Of course, it goes without saying, I wish it didn't come at such a cost but at least their deaths weren't in vain. Each of my boys had a purpose, had a mission, they lives may have been cut short but it doesn't mean I didn't learn anything from them because I only knew them such a short time. I truly believe they are still all around me. I can sense their presence, I see their signs. I may be the odd one out that has never had a dream about my boys or my experience but I think it's because they play such a prominent role in my awake life that I don't need to dream about them because their already so awesome in my life. I pull my strength from the last (almost) 2 years. When most people would have turned to drugs or alcohol, or stayed in bed, my boys (and God) gave me strength to live on. I will NEVER move on but I will live on. They have taught me so much in such a short time and I am so grateful to have had the chance to love them and get to know them in a very private way that mostly only a mother carrying a child could and through that I have shared them with Stephen and he has grown a strong connection to them. He gets a lot of his strength from his faith, I get a lot of my strength from him.
I do it because I know nothing in life is guaranteed and if I live to be 100, I want to look back knowing that even though there was sorrow, there were also many times filled with joy, happiness and love. I do it because to me there really is no other choice. I'm a stubborn person and I refuse to let this get the better of me. Sure it would be easy to give up and some days I do, but I go to sleep and wake up (hopefully) thinking that it's a new day and today could be the day great things happen. I've become very accustomed to finding a little blessing in everyday. Sure it is hard sometimes but every night before I go to bed I say thanks to God for the blessings of that day, for example, yesterday I thanked him for letting Stephen have safe travels and making it home to me in one piece. Everyday has a blessing and I always keep my eye open for it because it helps.
I do it because I love my boys so much and always will. They will always be apart of our family and it is only because of them that we are a family. So I get my strength from a lot of people (and God) but I pull most of my strength knowing what I mentioned about, those two circumstances I have been through that we're the hardest things I'm sure I'll ever have to go through (please God don't take that as a challenge) I know there are other bad things I could have to get through but if I can make it through burying my first two children, I know how to handle the rest.
The person who created the above "comic" really should have second guessed publishing it. There are a lot of baby loss mamas who take extreme offense to this. It just goes to show people will do anything for a laugh and don't take the time to consider how their actions may hurt people.
I take offense to this comic, it pretty much tells me because my boys aren't here I'm not a good mother and that pisses me off. I'm a better mother then half of the mothers who have living children. This comic says that parents who sexually and physically abuse their children, who lock them up in a closet and starve them are still good parents because their children are alive. That compared to me who fought tooth and nail for my child's life, who went on bed rest for 18 weeks, stayed in the hospital for a month, drank a gallon of water a day and made sure my baby always had someone loving on him for his short 2 1/2 days, I'm a bad mother because he died. I have a lot of problems with this. I have a lot of problems with this "comic" There is no humor in it at all. It is sickening. I take better care of my children who are in Heaven then most do of their children on earth. There are many amazing mothers out there who are great but whose children aren't alive.
On top of that, judging someone on the soul fact that they are a good mother because their children are a live is such a piece of BS. Like I said, if you abuse your child but he's still alive, then your a good parent. If you lock your child out of the house because you find them annoying but he's still alive, then your a good parent. If you leave your child in a smoldering hot car for two hours well you get your hair and nails done but he's still alive then your a good parent. What about the mothers who do everything in their power to protect and nurture their children? What about the mothers who spend every minute of the day at the bed side of their dying child? What about the mothers who always put their children before them, even if it comes at a cost to them? What about the mothers who spend every day caring for a special needs child and no matter how tired they get they continue to provide love and care because if it their child?
Just because your kid is alive is no measuring tool for how good of a mother you are. There are some really shitty mothers out there who pop out kid after kid and treat them like crap, abuse them, choose not to provide for them etc....and just because your kids simply exist in the world does not mean you are a good mother. It takes a lot more to be a good mother then your children being alive. I know many many mothers who have only heavenly children and they are much better mothers then those who have living kids.
I wasn't going to share this comic because I don't want it to be spread around but I had too. A business on facebook I was a part of posted this the other day and I am now no longer a part of that business. I will not be buying stuff from them. People REALLY need to be careful about what they post and I understand people make fun of people all the time but there is a line to cross and this is one of them.
I hope I got out what I was trying to say in an understandable matter, I'm so tired so it's off for a nap for me!
Some rough days a head, a lot of decisions to make. My heart says one thing, my mind says another. Wishing the option I want would come available so I could stop with all this worrying and be stress free (well as stress free as a baby loss mom can get) All the decisions come at a cost, just trying to figure out which one is better. I've prayed for guidance for months but still have not received any. I just do not know what to do. I don't know what is more important. Where's a magic eight ball when you need one?
We took Moo to the vets today, his allergies have been acting up so it was time for his shot (we made it 7 months in between this time, yahhh Moo!!!) We are considering a possible food change to see if we can eliminate them all together but we'll wait a few weeks to let his system settle so we can tell if his new food causes a reaction (like the fish did in life a day, poor bug) I am just so incredibly thankful for our fur babies, I seriously would be so much worse if we did not have them. Charlie must know I've been having a rough time lately because he has been all about the snuggles. I wasn't feeling well earlier so I went to lay down and called him, he came running and snuggled by me. We laid there for an hour just cuddling and all my stress melted away. Animals have such an amazing therapeutic ability to them. At least mine do, they seem to sense when I need some extra love and are waiting patiently beside me to provide it. I just wish there were able to make decisions for me. I don't want to have to make anymore. I just want things to start falling into place. And, any day now would be nice.
P.S. Poor Moo keeps licking where they gave him his needle, I think his little bum hurts. I'm sure some mama snuggles will make everything better (for the both of us)