Jacob passed his NST today in 10 minutes but they forgot about me so I got to sit for 26 minutes listening to him and watching his little heart rate go up and down (which still amazes me that it can change so quickly) I had 5 contractions (small ones) in 26 minutes. BPP tomorrow and a new delivery date of Saturday Sept 3rd...we'll know Friday if it'll be c-section or not I'm going with it will be because I don't feel he is going to turn. He is a flipper (which is what I want to nickname him) but I don't think he's going to turn which is okay. We'll take what we are given. I'll post when we know the date and time for sure but the doctor yesterday said it would be Saturday for sure. I'll update when we know more...just hanging out until then praying to God and Ty that they keep Jacob safe.
Went home for my last LOA I couldn't go two weeks without seeing my fur babies and visiting Ty. Plus I was able to eat some real food, well as real as Wendy's is! Now since my husband so nicely woke me up at 1am when he came back and I was wide awake for a few hours I am going to try to turn in early and try to get some sleep, at least rest. Please keep praying for us and pray that Saturday Jacob comes out screaming/crying and peeing!
So Jacob turned....the wrong way, he is more breech now then side lying so we are almost positive I will need a c-section, Monday September 5th, just don't know the time yet, trying to get as early as possible.
He did pass his BPP in 10 minutes, 8 out of 8 with a nice pocket of fluid and still a boy. We talk with the doctor today about the plan for Monday so once we know exactly what time it is I will post. Praying God and Ty watch over him in his last week, protecting him from al
Not much to report. Jacob is still sideways but I am fine with him staying that way, I told him he was only allowed to moev if he can do it safely and he has to watch out for his cord. If he can't I'm okay with a c-section. It would be better for him to be born naturally but if he is content then so am I. We can work around it. He passed his BPP 8 out of 8 with a 3x3 pocket of fluid and I most certainly saw his boy parts again. I will be shocked if he comes out a girl! Talked with the doctor, if he does turn and we do deliver naturally we will be induced on Sunday Sept 4th. If he will be born via c-section it will be on Monday Sept 5th. We just have to book the time. I'm hoping we can get in first thing in the morning like 8am. I wouldn't want to wait any loner plus you can't eat prior and well for those of you who know me well, I am not a happy camper when I can't eat. Plus I'd have anxiety all day and at least if we delivery in the am then, assuming he is okay, immediate family can visit him in the NICU that afternoon since if it is a c-section no one else can be in the room with us, another reason why natural would be better, my mom and dad could be in the room with us. But then again I do not want him risking a cord accident even though he doesn't have far to turn I think it's to risky. All of this can change depending on his test results this week, at any time if anything starts to go down hill he will be out!
It was a really tough decision to decide to wait the few extra days and not deliver on Friday but if it has to be a c-section, the extra days may help his lungs a bit more. I just won't sleep Friday-Monday because they said they won't do 24/7 monitoring but they sure as heck better step up the monitoring, hook me up to the contraction machine a few times a day to ease my worries at least. I know he can move and loose the heartbeat it won't cause me anymore anxiety. Even turn the sound off if you have to but I want him monitored more so we need to discuss that with the doctor this week. We make the official plan on Monday. Anyone who wants to come visit next week is more then welcome too, I'll be a basket case if I don't have any distractions, wait...who am I kidding, I'll be a basket case regardless but visitors will keep me busy for a few hours.
There's not much else to report. He's been moving around a lot, passing his tests within the required amounts (we'll see about the NST today, he has been taking longer on those) and just hanging out in my uterus having a party. Having no cable or internet isn't horrible, in fact we cancelled cable at home so we won't have that when we go back anyways. It's nice to have time just to feel connected to God and Jacob and think about life. Well that is all for today....I'll update on Monday when we make our final plan and we know whats going on. It i
The first night of no cable or internet was not dull to say the least. It started around 6:15 when I started my kick counts. At 6:30 there was a tornado warning but nothing was done right away. I laid there and about 7:45 Jacob had still not passed his kick counts which worried me because it was getting close to 2 hours of not 10 kicks. Well as I was laying there worrying a second tornado warning was issued and the nurses came around to shut all of our blinds. When the nurse came into my room I mentioned to her that Jacob was not moving a lot, or the required amount so she closed a few more blinds then came back to listen to his heartbeat, perfect in the 150's he just was not moving. At about 5 after 8 he FINALLY finished his kick counts, just squeezing them in the time allotted. Just as he was finishing a third tornado warning was issued and the nurses came around and told us we were having a ward party. Everyone had to come out in the hallway as the tornadoes were getting closer to London. So everyone in antenatal was brought out into the hall and funny enough so was everyone in the labor and delivery department. There were a few women in labor and when they had to deliver they brought them into the surgery room since it was on the inside walls. It was kind of interesting to see. I just sat and worked on Jacob's blanket and tried to keep my eyes open. I had some snacks and my water so I was quite content and at that point Jacob was moving around like crazy so I was not worried. I was initially worried because the day before yesterday was a quiet day for him, which was right on track, every 5-7 days but he has never had two quiet days in a row but then I remembered I had taken a Tylenol the night before so it may have made him sleepy as well. Just had a minor heart attack last night but today has been much better, he has been a mover and a shaker. I just wish this cramping would stop. I'm going to have to cut my LOA short and go back so they can monitor, at least he is moving though.
Our doctor came by yesterday and we had a chat. He is now wanting to try to aim closer to 37 weeks but there is no way I can go that long. We meet again Friday and were going to tell him, the absolute latest we are comfortable going is to Sunday September 4th, 36 1/2 weeks. But that is with 3 ultrasounds next week and come Friday 24/7 monitoring. Of course, if any of the ultrasounds in the next few days show anything different he'll be here sooner but we made it 35 weeks and we feel pretty good about that. So, he will either be born Saturday Sept 3rd (induced on the 2nd or c-section on the 3rd) or Monday Sept 5th (induced on the 4th or c-section on the 5th) Were only about a week away and the final date will probably be discussed next Wednesday but it will be by the 4th at the absolute latest, which is next weekend. I can't believe we are almost there, it's so scary and I'm getting incredibly anxious. All I want to hear is him screaming and crying after being born, I don't want to only hear me crying like after Ty was born, I want to hear him! It would be such a good sign that his lungs are working and I'd like it if he peed all over the doctors to show his kidneys have some function.
Our last BPP he was almost 5lbs so I'm guessing he will be 5.5lbs when he is born which is a good size, right on track. I just pray everything else is right on track as well (mainly kidneys and lungs) we shall see in a week and until then I pray God protects him from any harm in the womb!
Here's some pictures from our belly shot session. Thanks so much to Trish Roberts and the NILMDTS organization for providing us with these sweet memories.
The Nelles Clan, Mommy, Daddy, Angel Ty and Sweet Pea
When experiencing pain or discomfort make sure to tell the day nurse because by the time the night nurse gets to you, hooks you up, calls the doctor and rules out contractions it'll be 1am and for a tired mama that is mighty late! The plus side, I did get to listen to Jacbo's heartbeat for over an hour, he has such a strong heartbeat, I love it.
Not much else has been going on. NST tests are taking a bit longer (32 mins, 16 mins, 20 mins) but still making the requirements. We had another tour of the NICU where we saw a little boy born at 32 weeks and he was perfectly healthy, it made me think maybe Jacob will be fine at 36 weeks. We also cofirmed he would be in the NICU for observation. It's not such a scary place anymore now that we have seen it a few times. Seeing babies who were born at 24 weeks and knowing they are doing okay is very hopeful. The only thing about the NICU is they are very strict on visitors and I understand that,those little babies are very susceptiable to disease so other then immediate family we won't be able to have any visitors. Plus the visiting hours are only 2-7 (parents are 24/7) and you can only have two people at the bedside at a time (not including the parents)
Our doctor is back this week and we will be talking to him on Friday after all Jacob's tests this week about our plan. He started mentioning 37 weeks again but Stephen and I are not comfortable with that so we'll discuss our concerns with him on Friday. We feel if the lungs are going to work, they will work and if not they won't so we do not want to risk another stillbirth since we lost Ty between week 36 and 37.
We had our ultrasound today, 8 out of 8 BPP, 95% Doppler, 25% Growth, almost 5 pounds (alittle smaller but still growing) but he has turned sideways.....we were hoping he'd stay head down so we could have a natural delivery but I much rather he stay sideways to reduce the risk of a cord accident. Only 10 more days (if our doctor agrees) He's having a quiet day today but that is expected as he did turn last night so he's probably exhausted.
Everyone else feel the earthquake today? Freaked me out being in a hospital with all these floors above us...so now both Ty and Jacob have lived through tremors as when I was pregnant with Ty we also had tremors from an earthquake. Something special they share. One of the many...
We are loosing internet tomorrow because they are going to start charging for it (and it is a huge rip off) BUT there is a common area so I will still be able to post updates and keep everyone in the loop. Theres no way I can go without writing and telling everyone about my awesome purchase of BabyLegs (leg warmers) that I am so excited to get and for Jacob to wear. If you don't know what they are, there adorable, that's what! I just feel bad sometimes that I didn't get anything specific for Jacob other then his take home bag because we have all Ty's stuff so I wanted to get a few things just for him. Just some cute little things because as nice as cloth diapers are, BabyLegs are so much more exciting.
Dinner is almost here, I wonder what is coming tonight? I know I need to eat as I have only gained 3 lbs in 3 weeks and I actually lost 1 since last week. It's just hard with all the abdominal discomfort from the hospital food, I have to limit my dairy intake and becareful of greasy things but what other options do I have in a hospital cafeteria that only has healthy food from 11-2? Oh well....maybe it means I get to listen to Jacob again tonight.
I was on a walk early this morning and on my way back I passed one of the birthing centre rooms. On the door was a butterfly and unfortunatley I know exactly what that means. My heart breaks for the woman in that room and her family. I just wanted to go in and give her a big hug and let her know that she isnt alone. I wanted to sit and cry with her, just like the time we saw the perinatal loss booklet and knew someone else had lost a baby. We only know of two but that's two too many. It makes me so sad.
Now a completley different topic, messages from God. A lot of people say they hear God talking to them and sending them messages. Maybe because I am only starting my relationship with him I don't hear what others do and dont have that connection yet, or at least not in the same sense. See I had a dream last month and the day after was the day the neonate told us about the baby with no kidneys thats lungs were fine. I took this as a sign from God but after last night I think God talks to me and sends me messages through my dreams. Maybe because he has my complete undivided attention then that he has chosen that time to talk to me right now. Last night I had a very hopeful dream. Stephen and I were in labor in the operating room, everything was as it actually will be and during labor I vaguely remember God being in the room watching everything going on and at one point he wispered in my ear "everything will be okay" and then he was gone and shortly after he was gone Jacob was born as healthy as can be. Of course this is exactly what we want to happen and I can't help but feel that this was a message or at least a sign from God....I like to think it was.
Jacob's been an active boy today except during his NST, took 44 minutes for the little bug to wake up enough to get high minutes. His heartbeat was really good all along even during my contractions which I am now positive I am starting to get. I have had some pain and discomfort and thought it was gas but its at the top of my uterus and when I got the pain during my NST it showed it was a contraction, two big ones and two small ones in the 44 minutes so I need to make sure to tell the doc so they can keep an eye on it. The good thing was during my contraction his heartbeat did not drop so that is a good sign so far.
Stephen brought me Dragon Gate for our 3 month anniversary dinner. It is my all time FAV chinese restaurant! So yummy. Jacob seemed to like it though the gallbladder is now paying for it. Church and home visit tomorrow then back here for another week, probably with more tests this week, we shall see. At least our OB is back. We can sit down and make a plan, set a date for 1 1/2 weeks....yah! Praying Jacob is holding on and doing well, God and Ty are watching over him and I know they will take care of him. The power of prayer really works, I have seen it with so many friends lately and I am sooooo happy for them, so I hope it works for Jacob too....okaytummy is killing me, time for bed!
I am beyond exhausted today. I have taken two naps and still cannot stay awake. It will be a very early bedtime for me tonight. I had a feeling today would be a tired day. It seems the days after Jacob has a very quiet day he has an extremely active day which exhausts me but I think it may mean he is growing so he can take all the energy from me he wants. I am okay with that.
He passed his NST in 10 minutes today though the tech kept loosing his signal so there were a few times where his heartbeat was low (it sometimes goes very high too if they loose the heartbeat) But he did very well otherwise. He only got 6 out of 8 on his bpp due to low fluid but, and this really pissed me off, the tech didn't look for a pocket of fluid, she kind of blew it off because I have low fluid. I told her I had been getting 8 out of 8 but she didn't look. She did look for small pockets and noted those but she did not take the extra 5 minutes to look for the required pocket which is a standard part of the test and made me mad. It was a tech I hadn't had and she was in a hurry for some reason because not only that she was very rough with Jacob to the point I had to hold back screaming at her to be gentle with my baby. You would think with low fluid they wouldn't be stabbing the belly with the probe but she was for a good 10 minutes because he was sleeping and she wanted him to wake up. I have 40 minutes to do the test and she did it in 10 because she was impaitent. It really angered me she did that. I'm just glad he has been kicking all afternoon so I know he is okay but I swear if he comes out with bruises or head trauma they will hear about it. If you don't have the paitence to do the test properly then don't do it at all. I don't care if everyone is blowing off these tests because they think they don't matter, they matter to me. The only good part was she got a really nice picture of Jacob's profile and I must say, he looks a lot like Ty. Also, Ty always had his left arm up by his head the entire pregnancy and Jacob shares that with him. It's nice to know my boys are connected even though one is in Heaven and one is on Earth (and we are praying he stays here with us)
This week was a good week, lots of visitors to help control my sanity. A visit home, a nice dinner out (which I need to go warm up my desert from last night to finish mmmm...tortilla cheesecake, thanks mom) Read "Heaven is for Real" today. Good quick read, it made me smile to think of where Ty is. Now I'm on to "The Book of Awesome" and some more knitting and then just waiting for the 8 oclock rounds by the nurse then I am hitting the sack early tonight! That is all for tonight, I am too exhausted to type!
I was up a lot last night because Jacob was not being cooperative with kicking, he is fine now though. I did a lot of thinking and realized people may say I am crazy because I often tell them that even though Stephen and I have been through so much tragedy and triumph in the last year I am still the most happiest I have been. I'm sure some people wonder how that can be but given all the things that have happened the last few days I know we are extremely blessed with amazing family and friends and that no matter what happens with Jacob we have great support. I am happy because we have so much love and care surrounding us. When we have bad days there are always friends and family there to pick us up. How much more blessed could we be? It really makes like so fulfiling and enjoyable when you have so much love, even during the darkest of times. I hatiove never been happier. We've had a lot of visitors the last few days and it has been a tremendous help emotionally. It'a nice distraction as well. I just felt so disconnected from the world being in here with not a lot to do and the visits have really helped. My mom is also up visting so Stephen has been spending the night which I just love waking up with him here. I also got an LOA for today so I can go home and get some kitty snuggles and go out for dinner. One whole week was just to much. But really, I am pretty happy with life as it is. I know Stephen and I will be okay no matter what happens. I know we have a lot of love for eachother and the blessings we do have in life. Knowing and realizing even the smallest of blessings in our lives makes it so enriching. It is really the way to live, with positive outlooks on every situation. How can anyone be anything but happy when they have so much love in their lives? There are dark days but that love flurishes them and gets them through. So yes I can say that I am the happiest in my life as I have ever been and it continues to get better each day we are given life. We have so much to be thankful for and really with God you just can't go wrong. He is always there no matter what, even on your darkest days he is walking beside you holding your hand. He is the one who continues to give us so many blessings in our life.
We are 34 weeks today, 2 more weeks to ago until Jacob makes his arrival. I think the next week will go by fairly quickly but I know the last week is going to see to take an eternity. As each day passes I get more anxious. The thing is my concern about his kidney and lung function is not as strong as my concern about another stillbirth. It terrfies me to the core that it may happen again. We've been told that it should be able to be caught, unless it's a true knot in the cord, they should see a gradual decline with all the monitoring, it still doesn't make me feel any better especially when we were also told we were at a higher risk because of low fluid. But that is why I am here and that is why we are delivering early. Our OB is back next week so we should be able to set a date and make some plans about how this is going to go down with all the circumstances we have. It will probably be one of their most complicated deliveries ever. Not that there has been anything easy about this pregnancy so of course it would go out with a bang and hopefully lots of screaming from Jacob.
We were walking around the halls the other day and saw a newborn little boy. We have seen a few newborns since being here. It is so hard to grasp the concept of a living newborn. I can't picture what it may be like. I can't picture how small he may be or what he may look like. It's a tad scary to think in two weeks Jacob will be here and quite possibly be perfectly okay and come home with us in a few days. I don't and can't seem to picture that. I felt so prepared with Ty but with Jacob I can't seem to grasp that idea. What is it going to be like? Will he really be ours to keep? I feel like I forgot everything baby related and how to care for them. I'm sure it will come back the moment he is born but it is very hard to picture that reality. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit excited at the thought. I think my excitement lies deep in my heart under all the stress and anxiety and the moment he is born (after we know if he will be okay) it is going to come pouring out and I may cry for days at our little miracle. I just can't grasp that concept yet.
I just wanted to say thanks to all of our family and friends who continue to support us and for all the visitors who have stopped by. We love everyone so much and are so thankful for all the wonderful support. We could not make it through without all of you. You are all truly some of lifes greatest blessing.
I had a very nice morning this morning. My husband ended up coming back last night and it was so nice to wake up and have him here. Something so small but it means so much to me to be able to wake up and have him by myside. I just wanted to clarify after the last post, our relationship is okay. The biggest thing is the fact we have not had much "us" time. Sure out of the last 10 months we have been at home together for 7 months but our focus was on grieving the loss of Ty and now dealing with the situation with Jacob. It has not left any husband and wife time. We have not been able to work on our relationship because we are so consumed with our children. We both know it is important and we will work on it in small amounts when we can. I know him and I need to get away, even if it is for a weekend, or even a day to reconnect and work on us. We don't have any problems, we don't fight or argue, we understand eachother, we communicate it's just we need to establish an "us" in our family and it will take time (especially because we have our hope and faith set very high on bringing Jacob home which is what our hearts desire) and we'll go from there. It just feels weird not to have an identity. We joined the young families committee at church so hopefully that will guide us a bit. There are some great young families there we can learn from. I don't think any have had a loss like is so we still need to work on incorporating Ty into our family but maybe that is where we can help other people. We are starting to do little things to help us at the moment since we are still very consumed in what has happened in the last 10 months and we really look forward to what lies ahead. I pray we can take Jacob apple picking this year, physically!
Speaking of Jacob, he passed his NST in 10 minutes again, no hiccups just himself and his little heart beat. Ultrasound tomorrow (YaH) and we are going to ask to have him measured. I don't imagine they'll say no,especially once we tell them why so hopefully we find out this week how well he is doing measurement wise and in 16-21 days he will be here with us. Ahhhh I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit excited, petrified more then anything and extremely anxious but a little excited as well.....
The clouds are so pretty today. So fluffy and white, we'll have to get out side later to the garden. Maybe after dinner we can get a popsicle and head down and watch the fountain.....so nice today.
Sleep is non exsistent tonight, I have way too much on my mind. I think the reality of being here is starting to get to me. All this time to myself, a self I don't even know anymore. I laid here tonight crying (first time since I have been here) thinking about who I am? I don't have an answer. I know who I was 1 1/2 years ago but over that last 1 1/2 years I have lost myself. I don't think I have become anything. I mean I have become a grieving mother and my heart remains broken and empty from loosing Ty. I've become a wife but our relationship sucks. I don't know how it couldn't. Ever since we lost our son it has gone down hill....well maybe not down hill, more like flat lands. There is no more spark, we are deeply grieving and trying to get by with everything going on. Loossing a child then facing the posibility of loosing another leaves no time for husband and wife moments, no time for romance, no time for enjoying eachothers love, no time to work or build on the relationship. We are so consumed in grief and confusion and exhaustion that we just live. We never went on a honeymoon and we've never really taken a vacation together, just us, to rekindle what we thought we had. We never worked on our problems we had before loosing Ty and now there on the backburner, piling up with every other emotion. There seems to be no more respect, no encouragement, no romance....what grief does to a relationship is sucks the living daylight out of it. I don't even know how to recover or where to even start. When you are in so deep how do you begin to dig yourself out. I know a lot of people think my husband and I have the perfect relationship but truth be told, we don't, were just like everyone else and more then anything right now we are struggling. I don't even think we realize it. Our minds are so consumed with Ty and Jacob that we have no energy left for us. I know he tries to be funny and lighten the mood but a girl can only take so much before it becomes personal. When I am already emotionally, physically and mentally exausted I cannot stand much before I feel hurt and pain. But I just put on my fake smile and deal with it. I simply do not have the energy to face what needs to be faced. I don't know why I feel I need to put on a fake face for everyone. People think I am so strong but in reality, I have crumbled inside, I am so weak and scared and feel my life is out of control. I don't even know where I fit in it anymore. I don't know where my husband and I fit anymore. We need some us time, yes we have been together the last 3 months but we've been at home, we haven't been "us" we are in desperate need of a vacation to re-introduce ourselves to eachother.
Neither of us are the same people as when we met. I think both of us are struggling with the identity of who we are. I sure know I am. I just laid in my hospital bed tonight and thought about everything. I prayed that God protect all the blessings in my life and all the important people in my life because that is all I know. They know who I am, or who I was and their the only ones that get me which is so important because I don't even get me anymore. The last few days have been so blah. I'm just trying to survive and do everything I can to assure my son makes it here safely. I didn't fight for Ty, not that I knew I had to but I have so much regret with what happened, it consumes me and exhausts me. Ever since I lost him I feel I lost myself. I'm not who I use to be and I sure as hell haven't figured out who I am now. I'm stuck in limbo. I was so happy and excited to go home today to see my boys but while I was there I just didn't feel it. I felt like a visitor in my own home, it didn't feel like home to me, I don't ever know where home is anymore. It just seemed so surreal. All I do know is I am blessed to have wonderful support, I love Ty so much and miss him dearly, I am doing everything I possibly can to make sure Jacob arrives safely (I wish sometimes guys could be pregnant because they do NOT understand how hard it is, not only physically but emotionally and mentally) I miss Milo and Charlie, I miss my routine scheduled life with small adventures here and there, I miss my old self, sure there were things I could improve on but its a lot better then now, how do you start from nothing? How do you piece together who you are when at 27 years old you completley lost who you were? Where do you begin after 27 years? All I know is a grieving mother is in there somewhere. I need to work on getting me back. I want to enjoy the thing I use to but I am so damn tired it's hard. I wish I would get excited about camping and playing hockey again, baking, sewing, scrapbooking but I do not have an ounce of energy to do it.
My focus right now is getting Jacob here, then getting back into shape so I can hopefully gain back some self confidence because right now it is non exsistent. It's hard to constantly be made fun of and not let it affect you. It's hard to trust when trust has not been properly established. It's hard to enjoy things you enjoy when you don't know what they are (though I am VERY excited for fall, I LOVE fall and cannot wait to go apple picking and bake so many yummy things, go hiking in the cool sunny air....that is the only part of the old me that is still around, I just pray I can share it with Jacob this year)
The only good part of today was Jacob passing his NST in 10 minutes, no hiccups either! He did it all by himself with a very good heart beat. He also has been moving around a lot today and I am head over heels in love with him. Like Ty, he will be a mamas boy. The great thing about kids is their unconditional love and non-judgement (until they are teens and you are showing them your dance moves, they may be slightly judgemental then) My mom is also coming up to visit this week, which is very much needed! I am going to try to get an LOA for a few hours on Wednesday to get "home" and just get out of here. Praying I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow, the sunny oppomistic side....hopefully I can start to find myself soon, I sure do miss it. Grieving sucks, plain and simple. It messes up so many good things but I guess we have to keep our heads up and plow through. I will not let it get the best of me.
On a side note, it really smells like a skunk in here.....that's it for today, I need to try to sleep for Jacob (by the by 2 1/2 more weeks until his arrival.....so many emotions come with that) Ahhhh...
So the doctor never stopped by yesterday, on a day I actually had questions for him. Go figure..the night nurse told me Jacob did NOT pass his bpp because they did not find a pocket of fluid which brings up so many questions. What does that mean for Jacob? Is he starting to go down hill? Am I at a higher risk for pre-term labor and another stillbirth like our Ob told us we would be? Can they still see his stomach and bladder (atleast then we'd know if his kidneys were still functioning) could it be harder to see because he is getting bigger or the way he is positioned? I went to bed with all of these questions unanswered....thankfully I slept okay last night,if it weren't for button happy neighbour who called the nurse 7 times throughout the night, I would have slept a lot better. But on the positive side of that I was able to make sure Jacob was okay 7 times last night and he was a good boy about giving me kicks throughout the night to let me know he was okay. If for some reason there really wasn't a lot of fluid, that could explain why he had a quiet day yesterday....but again, it still worries me that there is something else going on so we will have to talk to the doctor today.
Not that talking to the doctors ever really makes me feel better because I know, no matter what they say God has the power and control. But it would be nice to have the doctors opinion.
The resident just stopped by. She only confirmed what I expected about the low fluid but she is going to come by and scan me later to see if we can see some fluid and a stomach and bladder. Babe passed his NST today in 14 minutes, he started to get the hiccups which got his heart rate going really well so he passed pretty quickly....though I swear we were told the first day if the baby had hiccups they had to do it at a different time for some reason. But he's had it twice now with the hiccups and it seems fine.
They aren't doing my menu right. I was told to write down the sustitues on the sheet of what I wanted but they aren't bringing me what I write, there just giving me whats on the menu, which some I can't eat so we need to get that straightened out. I won't make it three weeks with some of this food and I can't eat pizza everyday...or can I?
We just had our ultrasound (9:30pm) things went very well. Jacob moved around a lot, was breathing the entire time and had a nice pocket of fluid 8 out of 8....I feel much better. They kind of forgot and I wasn't going to say anything but I felt I needed to speak up. I don't want to bother them with stuff but in reality I shouldn't care, thats why I am here. I need to do everything for Jacob that I can, I need to be his advocate. So here's to speaking up.
Tomorrow is my LOA and I could not be more excited to go home and see my fur babies. I miss them so much and I hear they miss me too. Time for bed now...hoping happy button is a little more quiet tonight I need a good nights rest!
...let Jacob be okay. He is giving me a lot of anxiety today by being very quiet. It is not like him. He had his bpp this morning and i'm assuming he passed, the doctor has not been in yet but I was only in there for 20 minutes not the full 30 so I'm guessing he got 8 out of 8? Sure as hell does not make me feel any better. I did mention he was quieter today but everyone keeps saying it's usually normal to have quiet days......sorry but as the mother of a stillborn son who had "quiet days" a few days before he passed away, that is not going to work this time. I want the doctor to come so I can talk to him and tell him kick counts today did not go well. There standards are 10 kicks in 2 hours and Jacob had 10 in 1 1/2 hours but it is not like him so I want to talk to the doctor and express my concerns. I have been very anxious today with how quiet he has been. He had a burst of energy for about 1 1/2 around 11:30am but has been subtle since then. Last night I was up for an hour counting his kicks because normally when I get up at night before I fall back asleep he kicks a few times so I go back to bed but last night it took awhile. The good thing is he had his ultrasound this morning so things were looking okay then. He has had quiet days before but now that he is getting bigger it is scaring me.I hope we can get more monitoring for him, for my sanity. Not to mention I am pretty sure I am starting to get braxton hick contractions, as I did early with Ty too, and I can't help but think we may go into labour earlier then 36 weeks. Now that we have had good news from the doctors about his prognosis the idea of another stillbirth terrifies me. Our doctor did say we should be able to catch it unless its a true knot in the cord but still...I'm scared. Our little boy has fought so hard, we have fought so hard, I just want to make sure he is okay. The night nurse is in soon so I can talk to her and I really hope the doctor comes by soon.....tonight is going to be another long night with interrupted sleep but I have to make sure he is okay.Please pray for his safety and health and my sanity and anxiety.....
Today on Maury I learned babies grow in a womans belly....really? I could have sworn it was the uterus, I think Jacob is in my uterus....if he's in my stomach there is something seriously wrong..
In other great news, no more bad hospital meals! The nice lady who brings me food brought me a substitue list so if there is something on the menu I don't like then I can order something else...yahhhh...and the alternative list has some decent food on it so no more bad food. I'll be able to eat more now! They also have lactaid milk which I am very thankful for...hopefully it cuts down the naseua and pain.
Jacob did really well on his nst this morning. He passed in 10 minutes. He had the hiccups the whole time, it was really funny and cute to listen to him hiccup on the monitor. We meet with the kidney specialist tomorrow, then ultrasound to see our fighter and genetics. Good day, lots of info to go over.
We had a nice visit with the sister in law and some yummy pizza hut, we also had hospital piza for dinner and because of so much pizza this entry is going to be short and sweet so I can sleep off this severe indigestion....more to report tomorrow if I can stand the keyboard...
Well let me tell you, I was wrong, they can mess up chicken bites! The actual chicken inside was good but the breading was horrible and made them hard to eat. It was soggy, orange and tasted like cleaning solution. It's a good thing I ordered lots of sides to eat. I am looking forward to the mac and cheese for lunch but the salsbury steak for dinner scares me....we shall see!
We got a sneak peak of our maternity pictures today and I can't not wait to see the rest. The one I saw looks amazing! Of course it made me feel a lot of regret that we didnt do them with Ty but we'll make do with what we do have. Maybe I can find someone who can work on the pictures we do have to make some nice ones of Ty Ty.
We got outside in the perinatal loss garden last night, it was just nice to get some fresh air. The air in here is making me stuffy..or I am getting sick from the man with the plague that was hacking up a storm all day yesterday. I think if your hacking and coughing and spitting things up (lots of phlegm) you should not be allowed anywhere near pregnant women or children. I mean it's common sense but as my friend Danielle and I often talk about, most people lack the common sense ability. A simple cold is one thing, that's fine but when you have the plague then no....
Baby passed the nst today in 30 minutes. I am thankful he passed. I was getting nervous again. He did give us quite the scare earlier. When we did our nst and for the last few weeks his heart has been on my left side so when they came in to check his hb at 2 they couldn't find it. Way to scare us!!! They did eventually find it but the little had moved so now it is on my right side. I told him no more moving! He had some big moves today and I have had some small contractions starting. They are really pushing for 36 weeks so 3 more weeks until our miracle is here. Just in time for labour day weekend.
Lunch was good today, the mac and cheese is very good however, dinner was a fail. Salsbury steak was just a really bad hamburger and the coleslaw I had to spit out. It's good Stephen was out so he brought me some food after he got the car seat safely installed.
It's been a quiet day other then that. We had some friends stop by and visit for a bit which was nice and they had great news to share with us. It's always nice to hear other people who are pregnant are getting good results, it makes us happy. And now since I did not get a nap in and I am exhausted I am heading to bed! Going for 3 nights of decent sleep....
Today has been pretty uneventful. I woke up feeling incredibly naseous and dizzy so I had ginger ale for breakfast. My ultrasound was first thing this morning but since I can't seem to sleep in past 6:30 I was up and showered. Ultrasound went well, took her about 12 minutes so I knew he passed with flying colours, which was reassuring after yesterdays nst.....he better pass tomorrow! Yes he...the tech showed me his...well his boyparts and it looked pretty clear that it is almost certainly a little Jacob. I'm still shocked. I could have sworn it was a girl. It doesn't really matter as long as the baby lives and is healthy it's just for months we thought it was a little girl and now it is a little boy. I wonder if I will compare him to what I think Ty would be like....I wonder if he looks like Ty....I know Ty is watching over him and helping him stay strong.
Our social worker stopped by, it was nice to see a familiar face. Other then that today has been very uneventful. Stephen took a nap at 1:30 like usual and I'm actually not that tired today. I slept fairly well last night. Lunch today was atrotious...I could not even swallow a bite. I'm glad the cafeteria has good food. I now know not to get the tomato beef macaroni OR the ginger beef stir fry. Everything else has been stomachable so far....I don't think dinner will be a problem, can't really mess up chicken bites. Though I could be wrong, I'll let you know tomorrow. Just taking it easy tonight, will probably knit Jacob's coming home blanket while watching the Jays game. It rained this morning but it has turned out to be a beautiful day. I love how far I can see. I'll try to post some pics this weekend. No cabin fever yet but then again it is only day....5? All I know is, at most, there are only 30 more days until we meet our fighting little miracle gift from God and Ty....I have a feeling the last week will be the hardest. Actually they keep saying 36 week delivery now so 23 days possibly. Doesn't seem that long but I do find it is taking long....I swear I just heard a dog bark....alright dinner time...let's see how these chicken bites are....
P.S. Thanks for the card mom!
The lady in the room next to me is so loud (Stephen even got to hear how loud she was) and I swear every 20 minutes (especially at night) she presses the damn call nurse button. I'm sorry but really......your neighbour would like to sleep and ear plugs are not cutting it. Stephen is brining my fan tomorrow. Hopefully it cuts out the noise.
Today has been pretty uneventful. They are going to start bringing me my synthroid at 7am so I can eat when breakfast gets here at 8. Baby was not cooperating this morning....he did not pass the NST test after an hour. They had the resident look at the results and she said they were fine. The baby didn't have any high minutes but the heart rate was still really good and did everything it was suppose to so the resident was pleased. The baby is still moving well but I am waiting to talk to the doctor about the NST results to get his opinion. Also, I had two contractions and both times the baby's heartbeat went down (but right back up) so I want to see if that is normal.
We had a quiet day, I have been incredibly naseous all day and finally caved and took a gravol, hopefully it helps. Tonight will be an early bedtime. We just lazed around today, ate some unflattering hospital food. The turkey last night wasn't bad, it was like a tv turkey dinner. Lunch today was so disgusting I couldn't even eat it and dinner was...okay. The BBQ rib wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was just like a ground pork patty. Dinner was exciting however because of the fire alarm going off and watching all the fire trucks race to the building, right outside my window. They shut all the doors and we waited, nothing happened, false alarm I guess.
The doctor just stopped by so I feel better now. He said I was the infamous case everyone is talking about he he he....yes that's us. The decelerations while contracting are perfectly normal as long as they go back up (which they did) and the high minutes don't mean much since our baby has a rather high heart rate anyways. They said the heartrate looks really good so I feel a lot better now,we mentally, my tummy is still rather ill.
Still doing alright emotionally. I find with having things like checking the baby and nst's and breakfast, lunch and dinner all at scheduled times it makes the day goby quickly to have those to look forward too and Tuesdays and Fridays are ultrasound days (yahhhh see my little little) and then Sundays are freedom days so really it's not as boring as I thought it would be. I get to wacth shows like Toddlers and Tiaras. I've never seen a full episode until yesterday and it made me sick to watch it, where is CAS? That show is horrid and wrong in so many ways....but the sad thing is it's addicting. I tried to watch a baby story but it made me sad. One of the moms died a few months after giving birth due to cancer and I couldn't watch anymore. Tomorrow is ultrasound day, I cannot wait to see my little little and get a new picture! I'm a little werry about the ginger beef stir fry for lunch but the chicken bits for dinner should be okay. I'll give an update once Itry them, hopefully they are not like the tomato macaroni beef I had today...blah...two bites and that's all I could do!
We managed to score a sweet chair for our room, they don't have cots and since Stephen wanted to spend the night we got a recliner and get to keep it until were out. Its really quite comfy and I prefer it over the bed.
I am starting to see the niceness of the nurses is hit or miss. There are some really awesome ones and then some...not so awesome ones but I still am polite to them. I know they are under staffed so we try to not bother them. We still try to be as nice as possible. Some of them are really good about talking about Ty which I love, but that reminds me, one of the ladies in antenatal lost her baby yesterday. We walked by the desk and saw the perinatal loss binder (which I wanted to go through and see how accurate things were) so we asked the nurse and she said someone did loose their baby. It broke my heart. I just wanted to find her and give her a huge hug and sit and cry with her. When we had lost Ty I wish someone who had been through a loss would have been there, it would have been comforting to know someone who had gone through it as well. I pray that family is holding up and reaches out to Bereaved Families to help them. It sure helped us, it was one of the biggest helps to meet others who went through what we did. Can't really find that this time, not with our situation. We still don't know, but I do know every week we make it is a blessing. Okay this keyboard has made me angry enough for the night. I am going to watch the sunset and do a crossword.
My husband is so awesome. Not only did he get up early to come see me yesterday because I had a bad night, he stopped by before bed with cupcakes and laughs. He was going to spend the night but he forgot somethings. I am so very blessed to have him in my life. He makes things so much easier. He's funny and very positive. I love him so much!
Day two evening went by fine. I took a nap and watched some tv, knitted and did crosswords. Dinner was ...meh.... the ham and butterscotch ice cream was really good but the rest was...well I just wasn't feeing it. I'll have to get some things today to keep here. I had a clown come visit and show me some magic tricks which I am still trying to figure out. (a friend of ours is a clown on the side) Sat around some more, then the hubby came to visit and after he left I went to bed. I slept much better last night. It was quiet and cool. Up at 6:30....waiting for breakfast and then I get an LOA to go to church, visit the boys and go see Ty Ty. It should be a good day, plus I have cupcakes (because my husband rocks) and you can't go wrong with cupcakes.
Day There - I hear the constant sounds of babies crying. I can't help but feel a bit sadened. We never got that with Ty and I don't know if we will with this one. I feel a lot more hopeful then ever before (because of God) and I pray in a few weeks we get to hear that joyous sound as well. I figured out why it sounded like the lady in the room next to me was giving birth.....because she was! We asked the nurse earlier and she said when labour and delivery is full they put some women in the antenatal unit so that's why I heard that. I'm not loosing my mind....yet....
My loa was nice, church was a good sermon today about having Faith even though you can't see what will happen (which is Stephen and I right now) It seemed even more fitting given my dream last night, a message from God. I don't remember where I was but God was talking to me and he said Stephen and I are who he wants to teach others about hope and faith and that is why he made this happen. He felt we needed inspiration and experience to preach about it so that is why we are going through what we are. In the dream our baby did live as part of us teaching about hope and faith we had our miracle. I've felt quite at peace today after that dream.Like I said nothing a doctor tells me will make me feel better or have more hope but rather what God tells me, deep in my heart that is what I find peaceful.
On a completely different note....I did laundry today. They have laundry here for inpaitents so I brought my own clothes and towels and blanket. So nice to have a bit of home. I brought plenty of cat hair back with me as well....loved the heck out of my boys while I could. Now I have to wait a whole week...ahhhh my fur babies...I miss them so incredibly much. But were doing what we have to do. Babe passed NST this morning. Seems to be quite active which is good. No major concerns yet, more monitoring in 2 weeks. Decorated my room a bit...I'd post pictures but that's the one thing I can't do on my entertainment consel. But next Sunday when I am at home I'll post some. I have such a nice view and nice little private room. I even took a picture of my favourite hospital meal.....pepperoni pizza....can't really mess that up. It was good. We'll see how the roast turkey with potatoes is tonight. Not to sure about the BBQ porkrib tomorrow though, it's a good thing I brought some food.
I really like my nurses so far,I've only had two but their nice. I got to talk about Ty and share his picture which was really nice because being here, even though I am in a different area then when we had Ty, theres a lot that reminds me of him. Especially the water cups. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I really miss him but I know he is watching over us and protecting us.
I'm still holding strong emotionally. I thought it would be hard and at times it is because I miss my cats and Stephen. Not even ...I mean yes I miss being at home but if Stephen and the cats we here with me 24/7 I'd be fine, their what makes our home...home. I haven't cried yet, I do expect in a week or two my strength may weaken, especially as we get closer to the delivery date (which is still undecided but still by Sept. 8th) I know it will get tougher, not knowing is a scary thing, but like in church today, trust in the risks you take, have faith and God will guide you.
I still am not use to this keyboard, it really is an arm workout to type! But dinner is almost here so I'm going to get ready for that...here's to the roast turkey...I'll give my report tomorrow.
You see the problem with breakfast at the hospital is it gets delivered at 8am. What about the chick who gets up at 6:30am? I guess I'll have to get some breakfast type food to snack on. I wonder what's for breakfast? My guess...toast and some fruit cups no where near as much as I can eat. I can pack it away these days. So breakfast turned out to be cereal, juice, muffin, banana, cheese and milk. They also brought a menu so I can choose my meals from now on. I must say, what they say about hospital food is kind of true. Not the most tastiest. I'll have to bring in some good snacks. Enough about food...
Day One. We arrived at the hospital and headed to triage like we were told too, only no one told them we were coming....the lady in triage was sassy and did not make a good first impression. They did manage to figure things out and get me assigned to a room. We waited awhile before anyone came in and I actually went down for an ultrasound before we saw anyone. The little one (who they kept refering to as she and her) did really well. Passed the Bpp 8 out of 8like usual. Lots of good practice breathing and movements. After, came back up here and ate my first hospital meal, baked spaghetti, which was not horrible.We sat around while doctor after doctor came in to talk to us. Our OB finally came in and told us the plan. Tuesdays and Fridays are ultrasound days. Every otherday I will have an NST test and they listen to babies heartbeat 3 times a day. So plenty of monitoring. They think it will be 36 weeks now when we deliver but we'll have to wait and see.
The neo came to see us and gave us hopeful news.Though he is the only one who mentioned the following so were still unsure. He said the kidneys are normal size and appear normal so they should function okay. (We see the specialist next Friday so we'll know more then) He mentioned that the low fluid could be from something else, such as an underdeveloped placenta (which we had with Ty so it is very plausible)He also mentioned that the lung volume was right on track which he said more likely indicates that the lungs will function (there has not been enough studies done to prove this but it's his theory) it means the baby will need oxygen help but possibly not a lot. We shall see. Not that I don't believe him but I believe God is the one who will show us and heal our baby. It was nice to hear it butI believe God more then the doctors.
Sleep was non exsistent. They shut the ac off at night so I was boiling. I'll have to remember to get my fan. Then at 11:30 I awoke to the lady in the room next to me who seemed to be in labour screaming her head off for a few hours. I asked this morning and they said it wasn't a delivery room so who knows what was going on. All I know is I was awake because she was loud. Hopefully it doesnt happen tonight.I need my rest. Then it was just a matter of shutting my mind off and trying to stop tossing and turning. It just didn't go so well. I hope tonight is better. It is fairly quiet here which is really nice.
Day Two - NST went well. Babe only took 10 minutes to pass it, he/she is such an active little one.
We had the first lockdown, which means no one can leave the 4th floor or get to it. So if you are visiting and can't get up here we're on lockdown.This happens when someone brings a baby past the sensors. It took two hours to turn the alarm off. Poor Stephen couldn't get lunch because we weren't allowed to leave so he had some of my unimpressed lunch with "shepard's pie" blaahhh....not appetizing. It looked like cat food. I hope dinner is better. We did finally get down to the cafeteria for a nice little walk and now Stephen is taking a nap in my bed. I wish I could write more but this keyboard is killing my hands and wrist. You have to practically bang it to get it to type and it goes all over the place so this is it for now.....time to check babe anyways....
I will be getting admitted to the hospital on Friday. I am so glad our doctor understood our extreme anxieties and decided it was time. We discussed the results from yesterday and he cleared some things up for us. He said pretty much the baby is still on track and things are looking like they have for the last few weeks, minus the fact the baby is growing. He was not concerned about the belly measurements yet but they will keep an eye on the measurements because Ty was so small but he said as of right now there was no concern. With the reduced fluid it was harder to see the measurements and because of the bay's position it would have been harder to get. He also said they baby has the required amount of fluid and has for weeks, to pass the test the baby just needs one 2x2 pocket which babe has had since 25 weeks (yah,,,,a good sign) Babe has been about a week behind all along, through the entire pregnancy, so there is no concern right now. He explained (and we'll get more answers next Friday) that because the baby did not start out with a lot of fluid that it may not re-accumulate to normal levels so the fact the baby has kept the same amount of fluid may signal the fact the kidneys are working at a functioning level. We go to see the kidney specialist next Friday (the 12th) and should have some more answers. We are seeing the kidney specialist we wanted too which is nice. He was recommend to us so we know he's good. Plenty of questions for him, not that we expect many answers, again nothing will be determined until the baby is here, but at least we can get his opinion, figure out what kind of tests they will be doing to check the kidneys, how long it will take and what kinds of situations we may experience and how that relates to the baby.
I feel much better today after talking to our normal OB. He always explains things so much more in depth and clearly, he is very knowledgeable and I am really thankful he agreed to let me be in the hospital this week (though Stephen and my mom would have put me in either way) But it will be a lot more reassuring to have the baby checked a lot more and to try to do everything we can about avoiding another stillbirth since the fluid is lower and our risk is higher. I will be in there 5 weeks....it's going to be a challenge and even more of a journey but it'll be worth it to hold our baby in our arms.
Today was a much better day, it was nice to hear that the baby is still doing okay and that things are staying on track. Much better then being told that the baby is measuring small and there's less fluid. The plus side as well, our expected week of delivery our OB is on call so it is more likely he will deliver but once I am admitted we see the ward Dr. not him anymore, unless he is on call that week. It just means we get to share our journey with even more people. So here goes nothing...5 more weeks until our Sweet Pea is here, 5 more weeks in the hospital having him checked lots, 5 more weeks of not being at home or around loved ones (which I have NEVER done before so I have a feeling that will be very challenging emotionally, especially leaving my Milo, I've never been away from him the 6 years I have had him...poor baby) but it'll all be worth it when in 5 weeks we hear our baby screaming and crying and seeing him pee and then having him come home to an unprepared house...here's to the next 5 weeks of our journey...these blogs may get loonie if I loose my mind in the hospital of boredom...just giving a heads up.
What a roller coaster this has been. Today....well our appointment today didn't go as well as the last few had. Our doctor had to leave early so we saw the resident and we just didn't feel we got good answers. We're heading back tomorrow to see our doctor. But here's what he told us. The baby is measuring a bit small in the abdomen (something about measuring at 29 weeks and some days) and something else was measuring at 30 weeks 1 day, babe is 31 weeks 5 days. But the tec told us the baby was measuring right on track (they give us a two week window) at 3.5 lbs so I don't know???? Is the baby really starting to fall behind? Also, there weren't as many pockets of fluid, actually there may have been but the tec today only measured the largest one (2x2) but said there were other small pockets of fluid so I don't really know if there was "less fluid". Not only that, the baby had a very large bladder so had we given the baby a few more minutes there would have been another larger pocket. It all depends on when they scan, when the baby pees and what position the baby is in. All we know is the fluid is still low. So....the baby may be starting to fall behind and we'll have to deliver early (which would not be ideal) and the fluid is less...I will also most likely be going into the hospital this week as in tomorrow possibly. If the baby is starting to measure small (this happened with Ty which is why we want this checked every week) and the fluid is still low then I need to be home in the hospital with the baby being checked. Today has not been a good day. I have felt very weak this week. Ever since Saturday when I woke up and had a horrible day I have just not felt right. Today did not make it any better. Maybe when we speak with our doctor tomorrow things will be more clear. Maybe another ultrasound soon, maybe putting me in the hospital on bed rest to give the baby every chance possible will be better, I don't know anymore. It's all so scary. We had such good news for weeks and then today was like...no change or the change we are seeing is not good. I won't ever stop fighting but this is getting harder. I knew this could happen, I knew they could tell us things were taking a bad turn but I've been praying my little heart out that good news keeps coming our way. I guess the news today wasn't horrible it just wasn't an improvement. Our baby did pass the bpp test 8 out of 8 and the doppler is good and the baby is measuring "on track" depending on who you ask . I really hope our doctor tomorrow can clear some things up. Put me in the hospital so they can watch the baby a lot closer. The other good thing is it seems my previa is clearing up. That is the best possible situation with the baby turning head down as well. Now all I have to do is rest more and get plenty of nutrients to the baby so he/she can grow big and strong, Gain weight (since I lost some) and do everything in my power with the help of God and his power to make sure this baby gets here safe and healthy. I know this post is all over but my brain has shut down. It was a long day and getting the news we did...it just confuses me more then anything. I just want our baby to be okay. How can he not? He's so healthy in every other sense. I just fail to believe he won't survive. I will keep doing anything I can to give him the best chance and pray things take a turn for the best. We go to see the kidney specialist soon, hopefully that will clear up some unknown answers as well. I don't expect answers but maybe explaining what things mean and what will be done will make us feel better.
I'll update tomorrow when we know more. Our normal doctor usually goes very in depth into details about what things mean so I'm sure we'll know some more tomorrow, or have clearer answers. Maybe I'll even be writing it from the hospital. Sigh.......