Next Wednesday is Jacob's 1 year in Heaven, well his actual birthdate, his Heaven date is the 7th. I have absolutely nothing planned and feel horribly guilty about it but I am beyond exhausted to plan anything this year. We kept it quiet with Ty's and I think we'll do the same. With Jacob the only difference is I have no energy to make a cake so we will have to buy a carrot cake this year. We also plan on buying him a gift and bringing balloons to his grave but I also work that day so I don't know if we'll do it on the 5th or the 7th.
I feel horrible but I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted with grief, I can't do it. Everything constantly reminds me of him and Ty, I live with it everyday of my life. I honor them every day of my life and I remember them every day of my life and I hope the boys understand that I just can't do anything big and exciting like a lot of people do. I don't have that in me at this point.
I'll see what next week brings though, maybe I'll find some energy or strength...
Some days I sit and watch the videos we have of Jacob, or look at his pictures. He looked so alive, so real, so healthy and I wonder, was he ever really here? It seems like a bad dream but we have proof. But the proof can't fool the mind or heart. When I look at those videos or pictures I think it never really happened, that it was all a dream. How could my perfect little boy have been here but not be here anymore? Most days it really does seem like a dream, with both Ty and Jacob, like it never really happened.
In response to my rant yesterday I just wanted to share what always happens after I hit rock bottom (or so it feels like it to me) On days I just feel horrible and down and out, the one and only thing that keeps my head up is planning things to help others. Any kind of charity I can be apart of to help others always makes me excited. Even on days I feel a severe lack of motivation, it's usually on those days that a fire is lite in me and I get great ideas. Hang with me this is going somewhere. I don't know what it is but I do credit God for giving me this inspiration, this motivation to do good for others when I am at my lowest moment. These days I live to help others in any way I can and last night after I had a complete 100% meltdown of a disaster I thought of a great idea. I don't want to share exactly what my brilliant idea is because I want it to be surprise but I will say I am going to hold a fundraising auction on Tycob's Boutique (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tycobs-Boutique/235036309900051) to raise funds to help a very special little girl in a BIG way. I am hoping this works, I want nothing more then to help this little girl and once she has her surprise, I will share. I have decided all profits will go towards the fundraising (with the exception of shipping which I am willing to cover most of). At first I was selling things to mainly re-cop what I had spent on fabric but Stephen and I are in a good place right now and whenever we can we give, so this is my time to give. It is something I can give. I don't rely on the money for us, I never have. It always goes towards some sort of charity because that's why I do it.
So I am asking all of you to pop on over to Tycob's Boutique (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tycobs-Boutique/235036309900051) and like us if you haven't already. Also make sure to check off that you want updates and please, as soon as I say go, spread the word. I really want this to work. I do have a goal in mind, enough to cover what is needed or this special little girl and will announce more details on facebook once I upload all the pictures to the album. In my darkest hour she is my shinning light, she has given me new fuel and lite my fire. I pray that this will work and this will help her for her darkest moments.
On a sidenote, I thought I'd give EI one more chance. I called this moring, every 5 minutes from 8:30-9:07 getting the message they were too busy and couldnt take my call. Reached the waiting list at 9:07 wait time was more then 45 minutes, figured I'd get some work done first. Tried again 20 minutes later (9:30) and from 9:30-9:47 I got the too busy message. 9:47 I reached the waiting list, another 45 minutes. Figured I'd hold and just put my speaker phone on so I could still work. On hold for 20 minutes, someone picks up, take 10 minutes to explain what is going on...she says to wait while she reads what is going on, on hold for 10 more minutes then hung up on. I'm officially done, I am going to my MP because I am getting nowhere with the idiots at EI. Everything was fine until this guy called yesterday and said my claim hadn't been cancelled when I have a letter stating it was. Gathering all my info to bring with me to the MP's office and taking care of this once and for all.
Another side note, I called Canada Post to file a complaint of no mail for 3 weeks and they said there isn't much they can do since none of it is regsitered. No you will do something about this matter. Not receiving our mail is causing a headache, so yes, you will investigte and I've already contacted the Ombudsman because this lack of service is inexcusable. The last 2 years my pride of being Canadian has greatly vanished, the shit treatment we have received from the government lately makes me want to move back to the USA. End sidenotes.
So please, stay tuned on how you can help me help a very special little girl in a BIG way. I really want it to be a surprise, I love surprises (well good ones, not the crap lately) and I do committ, any money raised will go directly to her.
I just need to get it out, I need to get everything off my chest so I can breathe. Let me start by saying since about an hour ago this evening has turned into a horrible mess. I thought it would go great, things have been okay lately. To clarify, the EI shit I was dealing with, you know how I got a call and the lady was like yes it's all fixed, sent me a letter saying exactly what was going on, the hours they took away were credited back and I could expect a letter in the mail in a few weeks telling me how to pay the money back? This was of course after dealing with them for 2 months. Yeah, so I'm in Home Depot getting some wood cut to make a frame for the peg board and I had to call them last week and say I haven't received anything in the mail yet and it's been over a month. Well she said she'd put me through and the whole shit of waiting 2 weeks then a week then 2 days then 1 day again. Well I got a call a few days ago from some guy, thought it was him telling me my letter was sent so I called him back and said to call me back and let me know. I get this call while standing in Home Depot having just had much wood pieces cut and he proceeds to tell me he is looking into my claim and I was like, umm no it's already been looked at and taken care of. He says okay I just need to get some more information from you so I say okay. He says when did your son die? Thanks, that came out of no fucking where. I tell him September 7th and he then asks when he was born I said September 5th and asked why it mattered. He said I need to see if you qualify for some benefits and I told him no, I've already taken care of this, it has been dealt with the claim had been misfiled on my behalf by someone at EI which was their mistake and I called like the good person I was to pay the money back (keeping the money is just starting to sound like what I should have done even though I can't double dip, right now I don't give a fuck, it's to the point where I'll keep the money if they want me to)
Being the good citizen I was I called and said no that claim shouldn't have been filed and he was like I'm just trying to see if you qualify because your son died (mentioning Jacob dying twice now) and I say NO hold on, this has already been taken care of, never should have been filed, I'm paying the money back and those hours are to count for my next claim. He says no thats not how it is and thats why he is looking into it. I tell him I have a letter form you guys (SO GLAD I asked for it) that states clearly what has happened and what has been taken care o that it already has been solved so I don't know why he is calling. He says because my son died (3 times now) he needs to see if I qualify. This moron was not getting it. So he asks me why I think the hours count for the next claim because it's less then a year and I explain to him I was on disability the last year and 9 people I have spoken to at EI all told me because I have been on disability when I file my claim they will go back an additional 52 weeks because I was off for more then a year.
This was followed by him saying "if your son died, why were you off the last year" Oh I don't fucking know..maybe BECAUSE MY SON DIED (as I am screaming at him and balling in the middle of Home Depot with people looking at me) and he was like okay but why were you off? Like FUCKING DUDE get a clue. You've already mentioned my son dying about 10 times at this point (he asked me like every other question) and there I stood a balling mess trying to explain to him that all I need is the DAMN PIECE OF PAPER telling me how to pay the money back. I told him I was not going to deal with him anymore because this case has already been solved, I've had it taken care of, I have a letter explaining exactly what happened so there was no need for me to talk to him. I told him all I need is for the letter to be sent to me to pay back the money I owe, (it's been going on 2 months now that I'm waiting for that) and he says no letter has been sent because they needed more information for my file and I said no, no you don't, it's already been taken care of and I have the proof so just send me the damn letter. I think by that point he realized he wasn't getting anywhere with me so he said okay that's all I need to know and hung up.
Can I just say I am BEYOND frustrated that this shit has gone on this long and their the ones messing it up. I called and told them the claim was never suppose to be filed, I could have kept my mouth shut and kept the money but being the honest person I am I know I wasn't entitled to that money yet no matter how hard I try they keep messing this situation up even more. I can only imagine the nightmare that it will be come January when I really do file. It's is going to be a train wreck and I can see me needing help of a lawyer to deal with it. I'm done with this shit. The phone call today officially did them in. From now on I will be seeking legal action or the help of an MP to deal with this shit because it needs to be over with. 4 months is way to long to be harassing me with this burden that they created in the first place. I'm done with it. I tried to handle it in a nice way but obviously they don't have time for citizens.
Now onto issue number two....which had he not told me they haven't sent a letter yet I could very well see being the issues. Stephen and I are going on 3 weeks now with NO mail. What do you suppose Canada Post would do about it? Diddly squat, they won't investigate where our mail is going or why we aren't getting it. Trust me, I know we have mail coming to us, a week and a half ago and 4 days ago I mailed myself a letter from work...it should be here, it's not. We are not getting our mail and Canada Post won't do anything about it so we are officially SOL big time. Any important bills or stuff, we have no idea about. We are really getting screwed over here and I contacted the Ombudsman because that behaviour is inexcusable. It does need to be investigated and I have proof, letters to them and phone calls saying we aren't getting our mail so when someone claims we owe money and we haven't paid I can say well you need to talk to Canada Post about that, they are the ones refusing to look into why we are not getting our mail. Its a service to Canadian citizens and when its not there they better look into it. Again, I don't need this kind of shit going on, I have enough on my plate (and don't even get me started on the American government and taxes, that's awhole another novel of a story) I'm just so sick of all this shit. We are doing everything we possibly can that we are suppose to do yet nothing ever works out for us. I am beyond frustrated and have no idea where to go or what to do. It's just little ole me against a country of assholes. I'm at a loss for how to solve any of this and it is causing me great stress. I just feel like giving up.
We'll see if I get a letter anytime soon and you can bet I will be calling EI back to clarify yet again that my case has in fact been taken care of and the next step, someone suggested going and talking with my MP...that WILL be happening. Maybe they can get somewhere with this shit.
Rant done and I do feel a bit better though now I have no appetite at all and no desire to do anything. Of course I'm also having a gallbladder attack due to the stress...fucking wonderful, just fucking wonderful. Also, on a sidenote, all I wanted was mac and cheese and I made it and realized we have no milk....fuck.
Today I decided to join Stephen on his road trip to Oshawa for work. I debated this the last two days. I really wanted to spend time with my husband and I knew it would have to involve a car trip. My anxiety was through the roof today. Not only am I anxious to be away from home on any given day, to be so far from the boys, I am anxious anytime I am in a car ESPECIALLY when it is raining and on the highway (which it was) so it was a nightmare. Add on top I am terrified about Tuesday and I was just a mess...many teary eyed moments today but I had some good talk time with the hubby which was really nice. It was a very boring trip, we were only there 3 hours and most of it was spent with Stephen running around working while I sat in the car but I actually had a relaxing time once we were there. I just opened the windows cranked the tunes and chilled enjoying the rain. On our way home I got to look at some really cool clouds, I saw a teddy bear an angel and a rainbow.
How could I forget, we also got some chocolate from Purdy's Chocolates....mint meltaways...mmmm....So yummy! The dangerous thing is I now know they are there so if Stephen has to head to Oshawa I may ask him to stop. So even though it wasn't the most memorable trip the important part was spending time with my husband and trying to keep my mind distracted from Tuesday.....it's not working that well but at least I was with my love all day, even if it was a boring work trip and we had to reschedule Ikea for a later date.
We are home now and my anxiety has settled down from being away from home and in a car, I still have a lot though about this week and everything that it will bring but tomorrow is another busy day with a date night dinner at Curry's, which I am really looking forward too, some new fish for our tank and switching my old phone for Stephens iphone. Monday should be a busy day at work but I fully do not expect to get much sleep that night, though sleep has never really been an issue for me. Even the night before Jacobs big day I still managed to sleep. I was up every two hours checking on him like I had been for the last 6 weeks (yes I will be like that this time too) but I still managed to get some decent sleep in. Speaking of sleep, I am exhausted so I am off to bed full of anxiety and mint chocolate.
I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things that my mind is so clustered at the moment. This last week has been especially difficult for me emotionally. Stephen has be gone a lot and I'm not use to that. He is my rock, he keeps me level headed and when he is not around I struggle. Thankfully my mom was up for a few days so it wasn't horrible but here I sit sending him off again for a few days. The week I really need him to be here for my sanity he has to be gone. It is going to be a tough week mentally, physically and emotionally. It's gotten to the overwhelming point so much so that last night we attempted to go to Ribfest and I only lasted about 15 minutes (enough time to grab some food, sit down and eat a bit but then we had to leave. It was really too much for me. I think this week the best idea is to bunker down in the house after work as anything after 5pm is a no go for me. There is the exception of Wednesday night. If Stephen is in town we will go to the Bereaved Families meeting and I really hope he is because I need to go. I need to see the people who can understand my pain and agony.
So many people say that things should be getting better because we are pregnant again and this time it will work out and to be honest that pisses me off when people say that. For one thing, you cannot guarantee this baby will make it and quite frankly after two losses I'm doubtful Bee will be our keeper. You have no hand in making sure Bee makes it here, you aren't God and you aren't a doctor so no, you don't know it will work out. Secondly, it doesn't matter if I am pregnant again, what matters if the fact that I should have two little boys running around causing chaos in this house. Life will never be the same, there will always be two pieces of my heart forever gone. Being pregnant again does not change the fact that we lost Ty and Jacob. It does not change the fact that I hurt so much over losing them still. It does not change the fact that I may lose this one too. It means nothing other then we are being given another shot at what is so easy to others that we struggle with. There are no guarantees and this baby will never replace Ty or Jacob so no it doesn't make anything better.
I've also been thinking a lot about Jacobs situation and how we would have done a few things differently. There were some things we wanted to do but as per our doctors suggestions we didn't and I regret not doing them. I don't know if it would have made a huge difference but it is a guilt and regret I live with and always will. It's part of the what if's. But one thing I can't stop thinking about that does anger me a little is the fact that Stephen and I really wanted to donate parts of Jacob to help other babies live. We were told this could not happen, there was too much liability and that babies don't "share" their parts with other babies to help them live. This in fact was a lie. This does happen, it happens more often then some may think. There have been cases where babies who are dying can give their heart or valves or arteries or whatever to other babies to help them heal and live. We wanted to do this, we wanted this to be Jacob's gift. Jacob had a perfectly normal heart, it was healthy and strong. His heart was not the issue and his heart could have saved a baby whose heart was not as good or as strong. But we were told no. I think in our case the doctors just didn't want to deal with it (and I'm not talking our OB, it was the neonats) A few months after Jacob passed away I finally received a response from the organ donor organization and was told that yes, donating baby parts to help other babies happens all the time and it is very much needed. It broke my heart to get that email. Just because of some lazy neonat at our hospital another baby probably died because he/she didn't get the heart or valves they so desperately needed and yet here was our Jacob who had perfectly good parts in him (minus lungs and kidneys) that could have helped save a life but wasn't given the chance. Yes we realized the repercussions this would have caused us, a trip to Toronto for sure, pulling Jacob off life support before we did, we were ready for that. We were ready for Jacob to breathe life into another child, to mend the hearts of a hurting couple who was standing by watching their baby die so helplessly. We were that couple but we knew our Jacob, no matter what was done, would not make it and all we wanted was to help another baby.
It pisses me off so much that the one neonat kept telling us no. It's the same one we feel did something to quicken Jacob's death (trust me there is a lot of reasons we feel that but we know going after it won't bring Jacob back) I'll share one huge one with you. On Jacob's first day of life he was breathing and he was trying to breathe on his own while he was on the ventilator so they had to sedate him so he would stop fighting it. They gave him some medication which he responded horribly to, he crashed. They brought him back but he was never the same after that. We were told to our face that he would never again be given that medication and taking the doctors words we believed him. When we got Jacob's medical reports back we saw that a few hours before he had passed this doctor decided to give him that medication again, even knowing how it caused him to react the first time. Had Stephen and I known this we wouldn't have pulled his life support so quickly. He again, took a dive because of this medicine. Yes we know Jacob was a sick little boy, yes we know that he probably wouldn't have lived much longer but that does not negate from the fact that we were told he would NOT be given this medication and he was.
But still, that doesn't change the fact that he could have helped another baby but because of some lazy neonat who just didn't want to deal with all the arrangements we were told no. Did he not think we'd find out? Did he not think I wouldn't contact the organ donation place. I now know that it is indeed very possible to donate baby parts to help another baby and it really upsets me that we didn't have the chance. We could have helped and we were more then willing to help (we asked at 18 weeks when we initially found out and kept asking but were always met with no's from the neonats) it's what we wanted to do even knowing that meant Jacob would have to be cut open and parts would be taken from him. For this reason we were okay with that. It if could help save another babies life we were on board. But it is too late, the damage that was done has been done. Again, it's just another guilt and regret I have to live with. It just has really been on my mind lately. I think part of the reason is because I have not accepted Jacob's death, I have not come to terms with it like I have with Ty's. I am looking for answers, for reasons, for closure but I think with Jacob's death I will never get it. I will always search for meaning because I do not get it. I do not get why our second son had to be taken from us as well. I wanted his little life to have purpose and many have told us that our journey with him taught them a lot and that is great and all but I need to know Jacob's purpose. I need to know why we had to go through everything we did with him. Of course we do not regret that part one bit, we'd do it all over again but I am praying to God we don't ever have to deal with that again and that we will have one pregnancy that ends in a healthy, living, breathing baby. It is what we need right now, our hearts and our empty arms need it.
The last week has been tough but I know this next week will bring about a whole set of new emotions as we sit and wait to hear the fate of this baby. To know if we will have to yet again, reserve a plot, plan a funeral, take all the pictures we can because those will be the only memories. One week until we find out if this baby will follow in Jacob's footsteps or if we will be blessed with a perfectly healthy baby (as of right now, we know anything can go wrong, there's a whole slew of things at 18 weeks that we won't know next week) but one step at a time. If there are kidneys and fluid that is a step in the right direction and yes two weeks later our world could come crashing down again but for now we focus on our next goal, it just happens to be an incredibly large one for us. It is all I can handle right now, I need to focus on Tuesday (the 14th) and no where beyond that. My mind is so clustered with so many thoughts and emotions. It is going to be a very tough week in the our household.
Remember how I said my husband was finally coming home after being gone since Tuesday....I was wrong. I mean technically he did come home at 12am and was sleeping when I got up to leave so he was home but I never saw him. He is back to traveling today and tomorrow and that SUCKS! We had plans. I am getting off work early tonight because I thought he would be home and we could spend time together. We were going to sleep in tomorrow then enjoy the afternoon at Ribfest....both of those plans are down the drain.
I have no idea what I will do this weekend. The house is clean, I'm all sewn out, it's hot out, I can't carry heavy things (laundry baskets) I just don't know what I will do. I know what I want to do but work keeps my man busy. I'm sad I won't get to spend time with him like I thought I would. This being away is getting to be a lot. I need husband time! I guess the plus is I work full time so I only have to worry about the weekends but in all honesty, I need him right now. My anxiety about our next appointment is really starting to set in and I need his level headedness. He's the one who can stay cool and tell me everythingis going to be okay and actually believe and mean it. I'm a basketcase without him. It's such a huge change for us too. The first night we had ever been apart was 2 years after we first met. Last August was our first night apart when I checked into the hospital for 4 weeks with Jacob. He was still in the city and visited every day so it didn't really seem that different but now these overnight trips are piling up and I can only treat myself to so much while he is gone.
Pity part for one please....might as well book the reservations for all weekend. Overnight? Yes! A bunch of chocolate and other comfort food, sure add it to the bill.
My favourite "fest" is this weekend.....Ribfest....mmm...
My husband has been away for three days and I miss him. He's away being a busy working man. But he comes home tonight (just after I'm alseep, I told him to wake me though so I'll be having a midnight awakening) I'm so thankful I have had work and my mom to keep my mind distracted because sitting at home all day would not be a good thing. Our relationship continues to be tested with these new "over night" trips as we are not use to them. I think it just makes us appreciate each other even more (if that's even possible) I just really miss him, he is my everything. He is so positive and reassuring I miss it when he is not around. I need him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay because I don't feel like it will but he is so sure of it. Him being away shows me how much I have become dependent on him. I never use to be like this, I was always very independent but now, I rely on him for so much and I know he does the same for me as well. The last few days without him have been tough but hey, it's a long weekend and I get off work early tomorrow to kick things off and Laundry date Saturday morning, or Sunday we'll see how we feel and them RIBFEST!!!! Mmmm....my lips are watering thinking about it, though my stomach is not sure how it feels about it. But I ate ribs with both the boys so I have to this time as well. That's all to report here...this mama is EXHAUSTED so its going to be an early night (since I now I'll be up for a bit during the middle of the night and early morning tomorrow)