I don't know if I mentioned before but because Jacob lived two days we received some life insurance for him, not very much but I have been conflicted with what to do with his money. I don't feel it is mine, nor does Stephen. It is Jacob's and I didn't know what I wanted to do with it so it's been sitting in savings for now. I think what I would like to do is help others who need it. Stephen and I are very blessed with many things in life and sure there are things I want but we don't need them, we do need a bigger house though, but other then that we have learned material objects simply do not matter and instead of spending it on ourselves I think I would really like to commit random acts of kindness in memory of Jacob and Ty. The thing is I don't want people to know things are coming or that there from me, I want them to know it is from Jacob and Ty because it really is. Jacob is the one who left us with the ability to help others and I want them to know and remember that our boys are changing the world one small footprint at a time. The only issue with that (if you can call it one) is how do I make them surprises. Like the other day I planned a surprise by sponsoring a Molly Bear for someone (I sponsored 3 but two of them were already on the waiting list) the other mommy I had to get her information from and I needed it that night so I had to kind of ruin it. I really was hoping it would be s surprise and an anonymous surprise or a gift from Ty and Jacob but that one was tricky. At least I know it will still make her Christmas, whatever Christmas she can have this year as I know Christmas is one of the harder holidays for an angel mom. I want to start a list of all the ways my boys have helped others....in doing this I am hoping other people commit random acts of kindness and pay it forward to others. Maybe I will put a link on the home page here to Memory Ty's and list them all there...humm ideas ideas....
Remember how the other day I said every where I looked I saw "Noah", the same thing is happening for "Sophia" (which between that and Matea is what we want our daughter's name to be) is this a sign that maybe we are going to have twins? It doesn't run in our family but crazier things have happened.....I wonder what God will send us next in the way of children, will they be our own or will we be adopting? I can't help but think of all these baby signs....but I know in my heart it is way too soon to even start that conversation. Maybe God has something planned but I hope he holds off a little while longer, we have some things we need to take care of first. But then again I don't want to ask him to stop his plan....he knows we are not ready and need time. We are only half done our sentence. By sentence I mean it'll be 3 months Monday since we brought Jacob into this world and our plan was to meet with our high risk OB at 6 months to go over everything that has happened with Ty and Jacob and get this thoughts and advice and start talking about what to do next.....I have a lot of testing to get done even before we think about trying again so I'd like to get that all taken care of when our sentence is over.
I am very proud of Stephen and how much he is kicking ass at his new job. I knew he would, he has a great work ethic, very personable, hard working and incredibly smart, he'd do well at any job he has. He came home and told me today that they (meaning the property managers and the company owner) are very impressed at his hard work and how much he is getting done that they said after his contract is up (he works until the end of March in this position) if he doesn't already have something else lined up they will get him another job with one of the other 6 companies they own in London....YAH!!!! Go Stephen! Now given, he has been told many times by other people (who are obviously idiots for not hiring him, sorry just my personal opinion of those back stabbing liars) that they would give him a job then backed down, I think these people are sincere. The company owner is the one who met Stephen and guess what, his wife works in the NICU at Vic and knew our name from Jacob. I think NICU nurses are some of the best nurses out there, I have so much respect for all they have to deal with on a daily basis. We got each of Jacob's NICU nurses a little gift and card because even though he was only there 2 1/2 days, they were so incredibly kind to not only us but our family and friends. The doctors are another story but the nurses were so nice. One of them even stayed after he shift ended the night Jacob passed away to comfort all of us, she was crying too which really touched me. It made me feel....like even they recognized how important Jacob was and that this was a tragedy....I'm getting so teary eyed writing this...really it touched me someplace in my heart that has never been touched. It is such a raw sense of emotion for someone and something so beautiful.
Today was an okay day. There were tears but I have come to accept that most days there will be. It started off as a crappy morning. Stephen left for work early and because he was not here I stayed in a bed a lot longer then I normally do (I fear this is one thing that may take a trip back to memory lane because there really isn't too many reasons for me to get up right now, especially on a crappy day) I strolled out of bed mid-morning, made myself a quick breakfast of yogurt and an orange, shoveled what little snow we had, ate lunch then walked to Metro to get tonight's dinner. I think as long as it is sunny outside (I don't care how cold it is) I will walk to Metro everyday to get our dinner so it can be fresh. I look forward to my walks to Metro on sunny days. It's refreshing, especially when it's cold out. Maybe if I manage to walk a lot my waist line will magically disappear.....one can only hope. Stephen wants to take me out on a date but I refuse to go in "comfy clothes" and I refuse to buy any bigger clothes so I need to loose some weight. I didn't get much sewing done today but until Paypal smartens up I can't do anything about selling items so I have to wait anyways. I also can't do the dishes for two weeks since I got my tattoos touched up and they didn't heal too well last time...I was told no dishes...darn right? Actually I don't mind doing them because then they can get done when I want them done and clean the house. It bugs me to see a sink full of dishes, it makes me anxious for some reason, though it doesn't take a lot these days to make me anxious. I have to call a girl back about a church pew. I posted an ad on Kijiji and someone has a 5 foot one like the one I have been looking for and in my price range YAH!!! Cool comfy family table is in the making...just praying it can makes it way to a new house with us in tow.....
I am starting to notice a correlation between the weather and my mood and if that is the case, this is going to be one hell of a long depressing winter. But then maybe it's just "Tuesday". I've never been a fan of Tuesdays, I, unlike most, don't mind Mondays, it's Tuesdays that get me. They just seem like the longest day of the week and it seems forever for it to pass by. Given, the crappy weather does not help and probably does make it worse. My plan was to get up and go to the library to get a card (since I went yesterday but it was closed) walk to A&P (or Metro, whatever you want to call it) grab stuff for chicken tacos and head home...but it is POURING out side. I wouldn't mind going if it was a light rain but that it is not so I am stuck inside all day where I can wither away in my sadness. I feel it so deep in my heart today, I feel such sadness in my chest. It feels so empty and hurt and the tears feel like they will flow freely today.
I decided against the chicken tacos, I'll make those tomorrow when the weather is a bit more walkable and I'll go with the crock pot pulled BBQ chicken sandwiches and broccoli tonight. I am trying very hard to make sure I eat healthy since my exercise is down quite a bit right now until my heart settles out. I decided not to be so held up on loosing weight loss and decided I'll eat healthy, get exercise when I can (but nothing over exerting right now) drink lots, try a weight loss body wrap and give it time. I simply have no energy to push myself to loose the weight soon. I do want to be healthy and loose all the weight so my body is back to normal but there is no rush. I just have no motivation to do it. Even if we try for another baby it won't be for a while so not even that is pushing me. I seem to be loosing a pound a week and I have 21 more lbs I want to loose so we'll see where I am at in 21 weeks. Maybe with the large amount of snow expected this January, I will loose more from all the shoveling I will be doing.
I was introduced to an amazing website called Pinterest. For anyone out there who is a DIYer this site is for you! I love this site and have found so many wonderful, cheap, ideas to do, the only problem is I have to wait until we move because I simply do not have the space for them nor do I want to do stuff here when I know we will be moving next year. We have outgrown this place and are busting at the seems. It was perfect for Milo and I when it was just us, it is a cute little house but then Charlie came along, then Stephen, then Ty and finally Jacob and though the two boys are not physically here they are very much here in the way of baby things. Not only is it too small but I want a home. I know in a sense I have a "home" now but it doesn't feel like it. After all that has happened and knowing we cannot stay here as we intend on growing our family, it just seems like a temporary roof over our heads. One we are extremely thankful for and blessed to have but we need a bigger space. I want a place to truly make a home where we can have my parents stay with us when they come to visit, instead of a hotel. Where we can have family dinners (friends and church members included) where we can foster children who need good stable homes, where we can teach about love, hope, faith and life. A place where we can bring unwanted animals into (there is always room for more fur babies) We have so much to offer and so much to give we just need the space to do it in so I continue to pray God gives us the opportunity to move quite soon into the new year.
Today is really turning out to be like the weather, I seriously need a break. I am sick and tired of the bullshit I have been dealing with since APRIL in regards to Paypal and every time I call I get the same bullshit and just want to close my account and open another one. The problem is Paypal is one of the only universal payment places and if I want my online store to sell to people other then just in London, ON I need it but it has been hell to deal with them to get my account straightened out. It has made me furious, it has added to my stress and I am so sick and tired of it. Today I finally asked for a supervisor but they told me it wasn't possible. My ass it isn't possible. I ended up hanging up because I ran out of phone minutes (which we have NEVER gone over 200 minutes but this month with the shit from Paypal we are over) so when I call back tonight at 9pm there better be a damn supervisor there. I don't generally get so upset but this has been going on since APRIL and I just want it cleared up so I can get on with it. It is so frustrating. Everytime I call they tell me something else so I do it then I call back and they say shouldn't do that and ahghghguturugth...they need to smarten up over there. I already sent a complaint to the BBB because I can't deal with them. I am trying to solve the issue but I keep getting tossed back and forth and I just wanted it handled and taken care of and I'm trying but I'm not getting anything but bullshit from them. Bring on the frustration tears...
Add on top of that (if your a guy STOP reading, skip to next paragraph this one is only for the ladies) my cycle has still not returned and NO there is 100% absolutely no way I am pregnant trust me....its not possible this time. I know being stressed affects it but I can't help but me stressed (same reason I do not expect to loose much weight, I am too stressed) but it needs to start. I have never wanted it more then I do right now. I just want to know at least my body is returning to normal, can't I at least have that? I don't care how many migraines or cramps come with it, I need it, I want it...it has been 12 weeks and nothing, notta...zilch, zero...I feel like my body is trying but it's failing even at that. Just adds to my fear of infertility now.....
The sadness I felt this morning has turned into pure rage and anger at the frustrations of life. I seriously need a break and would LOVE for things to start getting back on track on the pathway of a set routine of life. I don't ask much but God, I really need the things I have been praying for to start happening. None of them are greedy prayers, I just really need a break so please, send some good news because I have had it and it is making healing so incredibly difficult. I can't heal when I keep having things pile up.....ughhhhhh
Oh and once I called the doctors it went back to sadness. I called to make an appointment because my cycle has not returned and I told her it had been 12 weeks..her response "are you nursing"...bring on the tears, my reply was no my baby died, at least she said I'm sorry. She knows about us but I guess they don't have caller ID so she didn't know it was me. Next time I'm going to start with my name. I also wasn't happy at the fact she said you sure you want it to come back? She would love to go without it but she does not know my aching heart. The longer I don't have it, the longer the wait to have another baby when we make the decision. The longer it is to have ONE normal thing back in routine...no one gets it, the longer it is to trust my body can do something right, the longer it is that I feel my body is a failure, the longer it is that I worry about infertility...no I want it back NOW! It is one thing, one small thing that gives me a sense of normalcy. At least what the new normal will be and the longer I go without it the more I worry. Today officially sucks...I wish it were 9 so I could go to bed and sleep it all away, actually I may go lay down and sleep, today is too much for me to handle.
If you walked into my house at this very moment, or at any time during the last week, and saw the state of my house you'd wonder what happened to me. For those who don't know how anal I am about cleaning, I use to be very OCD when it came to a clean house. I'd never let a piece of dust go undusted, I've never let the carpet go unvacuumed, I've never let the bed go unmade....my house is a mess but I have come to the point where I simply do not care. It may take me days to put away the laundry but it'll get done. I have no energy to keep the house so damn clean anymore and maybe that is part of the new me. I am letting go of being so perfect. My house may be dirty but it is full of love. The cleaning will get done when I get around to it, theres more important things in the meantime.
People have asked me about why I chose to get my tattoos on my wrists. The main reason I chose that area was because I LOVE the idea of being able to hold them over my heart. My heartbeat is a sound both of my boys know, a sound only they know from the inside, it is something I share with them and only them. No one else knows what my heart sounds like from the inside but them. I saw a quote about this the other day that said "No one else will never know the strength of my Love for you, After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside". That has become one of my favourite quotes and my next tattoo. Not sure where I want to get it yet but I know I want that quote. Another reason I chose to get their feeties on my wrists were because I wanted someplace where I could see them everyday. I don't understand getting such a meaningful tattoo on your back when you rarely see it. I want to see my little boys feet, I want to remember those tiny precious little feet every single day of my life. When I meet new people they meet them with me, when I praise God they praise God with me. Everything I do with my hands they do with me. They sew, they read, the cook, they clean, they love, they pet the cats....they are and forever always will be doing things with me.
Stephen and I finally made it to the Ethiopian restaurant downtown (we have been saying we wanted to go for 2 years) and last night we went with my parents. I've had Ethiopian food before at a restaurant in Michigan called the Blue Nile (if you live around there you must go!) and we wanted to try the one where we live called Addis Ababa. It was go incredibly tasty. It was Stephen's first time having Ethiopian food but he really liked it. Some of the dishes were extremely spicy but they tasted oh so good! I'm glad we finally got to try it and enjoy such a wonderful array of tasty authentic foods. We like to try different cusines and that is one thing I made sure to do while pregnant with both boys. I was always trying different foods so they could have different tastes in utero. We bought the groupon yesterday so next cuisine...Salvadorian.
Remember how I have mentioned a few times that I have never met anyone who has had two full term losses and still has no children? Sadly, last night I did meet someone. Her second little one just passed away and she is childless as well. I was really hoping I wouldn't have company in that group but at the same time I don't feel so alone. Our grief journeys are very similar because she still has no children at home, I can relate a lot to her situation. I know everyone grieves differently but people with different situations are on different journeys. We share the same journey, though different, it is similar.
I know I haven't written in a few days...my parents were up for a nice visit and I have just had no energy. I'm so busy grieving and being tired from grieving. Nothing major is going on so I guess that's a good thing. Just trying to re-learn how to live and sort out some way of life while sewing up a storm. I redid Memory Ty's and will have a link up here soon. I decided to open a small online store to sell all my sewing goodies on to help raise money for Memory Ty's but other then that I have not done much recently. Still waiting to hear about this other job for Stephen and still trying to find a new place to live....it's so exhausting. I'm so tired writing about it I need to go to bed!
Ty's headstone was installed today as you can see. It is absolutely perfect. I designed it myself and I am so pleased with how it turned out. There were a lot of tears today seeing this, it just really sets things in a more permanent state of mind. I am so thankful he was properly laid to rest and has a beautiful headstone for all to see. I cannot wait to see how Jacob's turns out! I'll get a better picture tomorrow when it is nice and sunny out.
As I was leaving his grave today I went to blow him his usual see you later kiss and as I looked up to blow it to him there was a hawk soaring round right above me. Hawks are one of Ty's signs and it was so nice to see that, it made me feel a lot of peace. I've been asking the boys to send some more signs, I really have needed them lately. Ty sent me his Hawk and Jacob has filled many days with sunshine. I love my boys and all their signs.
Speaking of signs, I have been seeing things all Noah related lately. Everywhere I go, even in my dreams, I dream of Noah's. I dream of a little boy named Noah. I see pictures of little boys named Noah, I see personalized items everywhere with the name Noah on them and when I see these things I also usually see something related to a "miracle" story or a rainbow and I cannot help but to think it is a sign for us. Noah is what we want to name the little boy we bring home (whenever and however that may be) and everything I have seen lately is Noah related. I told Stephen though I have a feeling whatever we have next (adopted or not) will be a girl. But I can't ignore all the signs from "Noah's" it sure gets my mind and heart going.....I wish Ty and Jacob were here with us....the days surely do not get easier.
Today is a day I feel like giving up, I feel like crawling back in bed and staying there for days. I am trying so hard to piece together some sort of life, I don't know how to live on after the loss of Ty and Jacob. Some people may not see them as children but they are MY children. They lived inside me, they kicked, they turned, Jacob cried, he squinted, he held his daddy's finger. They are our children and now they are buried in the ground. How do I even begin to try to sort life out? I am trying my hardest, I get up every day and shower but that's the extent of my ability to function. So many people say "God doesn't give you more then you can handle" Well sorry to tell you but that's a load of BS. He has given me more then I can handle. Week after week he keeps giving me shit to deal with when I am trying my very best to just get up every morning but he keeps sending me things to get me down again. Some people may not realize it takes me a while to be able to digest any kind of information. Within the last month I have been bombarded with a ton of information that keeps knocking me back down. Just when I think I made step in the right direction....I get knocked back down.
I am really ready for a break. I want good things to keep happening and please don't say "you have a lot of good things in life to be thankful for" trust me I know I am blessed but I also have a lot of shit in my life. The last year has been nothing but bad things.....and don't make me say again, yes I know my husband and I got married and Jacob lived for two days, we have a roof over our head etc.....you know what else happened. We had to pick out a plot for Ty, we had to pick out a plot for Jacob. Instead of planning Ty's 1st birthday and Jacob's baby shower I was designing headstones, I was planning funerals. Instead of looking into their eyes everyday I stare at the blank cold ground that their bodies lie underneath. I don't cry tears of happiness or laugh uncontrollably at something cute they did instead I cry at the fact I will never get to see them do anything. I'll never have first birthdays, days at school, graduations, marriages, colleges and grandkids. I try everyday to piece my life back together but it is no easy task. It seems to be getting harder with each coming day but with each coming day means I am one day closer to seeing my boys again. How do I live on when all I want to do is hold them, touch them, smell them, kiss their little feet? There have been small good things in my life in the last year but two of the most tragic and biggest events in someones life have also happened to me. I am ready for a break, I need a break from all the bad. I need the good to help me get through. All I can do is pray and see what comes our way but it isn't easy and in the meantime all I can do is breathe. It is the only thing keeping me alive right now...something Ty never got to feel and something that Jacob struggled so hard at and ultimately took his life. Who ever knew breathing was so important.
Today can go away, I know tomorrow won't bring about a better day, I know the next month won't bring about any good days and well next year.....it will not be rung in on a good note. All I can do is pray that 2012 becomes a better year for us. We have a lot we want and I hope we get a break and get some of those things. But I already know January is going to be a tough month. My best friend whom Stephen has also grown so close to leaves for England on her two year journey to become a lawyer. I knew it was coming, she had been applying and I am happy she got in and can get her life going and settled into what she wants to do. I also know that means once she becomes a lawyer I'll become a Law Clerk so that will be exciting. It is something her and I have planned for two years (we met two years ago) and it is something I look forward to but England is so far away. No more lunch dates at Abruzzi or Prince Al's no more Dragon Gate dates. She'll miss us bringing home our baby (whatever way that may be) no more games night in the hospital (if I do become pregnant we will be in the hospital the last few weeks, this we already know) no anti-whatever holiday parties, no more pot luck lunches, no more sweet treats from Starbucks or salt water taffy. No more stress of work sessions, no house warming party......she was with us through it all, she was there after we lost Ty and was there for us all the way through Jacob's journey. She has become a very close part of our family. She is one of the only people who talk to me about the boys. She has shared so much of our lives it'll be hard to see her go...but then I think about two years. I think of how much my life will change in two years. Stephen and I will be moving (we just don't know where but it will not be here) we'll (praying to GOD) bring home a baby, Stephen will be working full time and I...well, that's to be discovered at a later point in time. When she is back and practicing as a lawyer I'll be there right by her side (if she comes back to London, remember D, you can always get a summer home back in Brighton) I will miss her dearly and I just want you to know (because I am sure you still read this because you rock like that) I love you and will miss you so much but I look forward to the years ahead of us and wish you all the best luck in England. I don't really know what there known for...but mail me some yummies.
The last year has been so hard and I continue to get dealt with big blows but such is life right? I only pray I can make it through and come out where the grass is greener. I only pray that God answers some of our bigger prayers next year (or some by the end of this year would be nice) but I must sit and wait and deal. There are many days of tears ahead.....I feel the strength is running out. Thank God I have my sewing to keep me busy and give us some extra income while I am off work. Sigh........if only.....
I'm just going to start off by saying this is turning into a not so great day. I woke up in a sad mood anyways so of course I knew things would start to happen. Do you know how hard it is to have to call the Canadian Tax Service to let them know that you should not be receiving the Universal Child Care Benefit Tax because your child is dead? Not a phone call I wanted to have but I knew if I didn't call they'd keep sending the money and we'd have to pay it back eventually so I wanted to nip it in the butt. The lady on the phone was not the most pleasant, even after I said I don't need it because Jacob is dead....couldn't she have a bit more passion? I'm sure she's probably never taken a call like mine before but would some damn passion be so hard to give? Even an I'm sorry? Not drill me about the name change and why I don't need it. For frig sake. Just threw my whole day off.
You can tell I am having a bad day because today is one of those many days where I should be on the "People Of Wal-Mart" website. I had to go to the grocery store to get some things for dinner and instead of waiting for Stephen to get home I decided a walk and some exercise would be good (I did not know that it was FREEZING out) so I put on my warm pj bottoms because jeans in cold weather just make me more cold and dressed in about 4 different shirts and coats because I don't fit into my warm winter one and headed on out. I was a site to see.
I finally listened to one of Daughtry's new songs, I have a few of his songs on my Jacob CD. His new song is called "Gone Too Soon" so you can understand why I only got around to it recently and I figured since I was having a sad day and already crying why not just add to it.....yup it's a tear jerker. He wrote it for a friend who had a miscarriage. The song is beautiful and has so much meaning to me. If you get a chance, listen to it, just make sure you have a box of Kleenex beside you.
Day two by my self officially sucked. Day one went so well but day two...yeah it can end and a new day can start. I think the weather has something to do with it, or maybe I did really just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. My dad stopped in for a visit on his way up to see my Aunt and Nanny and that brought a momentary smile to my face, it didn't last long but I'll take small moments right now. Taking a warm bubble bath (since our heat is not on again....it's so cold) then heading to bed early....praying tomorrow is a better day...I guess it a doctors appointment and counseling can be considered a good day...and oh yeah laundry....EAHGHTHE....tomorrow will be another sucky day.
I often find people ask Stephen and I how we are doing, it seems to be the #1 question we are asked. Surprisingly, the #2 question I am often asked is "have you gone back to work yet". I find it a bit odd, maybe because some people fear my response when asked "how are you doing" so instead they ask something less meaningful. It seems to be the question I have been asked a lot lately and I guess most people think after burying my two little boys I should be ready to go back to work. I think people often forget, or perhaps, don't realize how life changing and tragic loosing a child is and don't forget I lost two. So add all the pain and sorrow and times it by two. I am no where near ready to go back to work. I am still working on getting out of bed each day, forcing myself to eat and not being a couch potato and most times I do get around to showering eventually. A sink full of dishes stresses me out these days, I have broken a lot of glassware with my clumsiness, I am no way ready to be responsible for such important things. My brain is fogged with so many emotions, thoughts, ideas I can't keep anything straight and as far as remembering things..pppfftt that's gone out the window. These are all things I have to work on and I am.
Stephen went back to work today at his new job and I am so nervous for him but also for me ( I did not sleep last night) This is a HUGE change for me. We have been together everyday since May 2nd. It's a miracle we haven't got sick of each other. But that is a huge change and I have to learn to deal with that and how to make sure I get myself out of bed each day since he is not here to do it. I have to get use to him not being here helping me when I have my meltdowns or if something goes wrong I can't blow a gasket and totally loose it. I haven't been able to do that yet, I get very frustrated at the easiest things and it sets me off into a downward spiral. The issue with this job Stephen has is he needs the car most of the time which really dampens my ability to push myself to get out and do things on my own. Not only that, but I have appointments I have to go to so he has to talk to them today. I've only taken the bus once in my life and now is NOT the time for me to learn. Even thinking about it sets me off into an anxiety attack so we'll have to figure something out. I am still praying he gets this other job he really wants. I think I would feel better then. But for now my goal is to make it through today. I have my list of things to do and we'll see how it goes. It may go well for a week or two but it also may be a struggle. I can only wait and see what each day brings.
I am very upset with Jacob's birth certificate. I called today and asked about where it was because we never received one and they told us they had sent it and we signed for it back in October so I went and got the sheet they sent us and it says statement of live birth, but the thing that really upsets me is at the top of his birth statement it says in big, black, bold letters DEATH CERTIFICATE ON FILE. I asked the lady on the phone today if we could get a little blue one because I do not want to see DEATH CERTIFICATE every time I look at his birth certificate. I just want to see his birth information but she said because he had passed away they won't issue one. I am not happy and want to call back and speak with a supervisor. That is so unfair to us, the one piece of proof we have that Jacob did exist also states he died. Trust me Ontario Government I know my son died you idiots but I'd like something also showed HE LIVED. Why do I get denied that?
I had to make another unhappy call today as well to Paypal. I have been dealing with that headache since April so I finally called and spoke to someone who understood what I was trying to say (this is why I hate when companies send their customer service departments to other countries, it just pisses me off more when people don't understand what I am trying to say and I can't understand them, especially since this has been going on since April) Anyways, I finally spoke to someone who was able to change my account, I signed up as a business accidentally thinking, if I wanted to sell things that's how I would do it. Well they asked me what the business was all about and I said the money is going to charity so they thought I was a non-profit and I needed papers to prove I was legit and I explained over numerous phone calls and email that I wasn't and wouldn't be but no one every understood me and they kept sending me emails saying I needed to submit forms but they weren't understanding so I was so incredibly thankful to Jim on the phone today who changed my account and put in a note with the compliance department to lift the limitation. Because of all this shit I had to remove the Memory Ty's website and now have to re-do it all, but don't worry, it will be back and better! I am going to start making things to sell on there and put whatever profit I get into our little donation service we have going to help perinatal loss families. I'll post the link when it is up and running and I have things to sell. I'm excited about it. SO be on the look out for that.
Okay time to get day one by myself down...let's see how this goes....
Well one of our prayers was answered....Stephen got a job. He applied for two last week, heard from one and had two interviews and he got that job but the thing is he really wants the other job he applied for. The job he wants is an administrative assistant at an Anglican church. It is in his heart to get that job and I know he will once he's in for the interview, there is no question, he is amazing, they'd be crazy not to hire him for the church. But being a member of a church parish I know how long those things can take, it took us 3 years to find a youth minister at our church supposedly so who knows when he will hear from the church. I told him to take this job (since we don't know if and when he would get the other job) and if he starts working and this other job comes up he can leave the first job. It may not look so good to the first employer but I told him I've done it before, he has to do what is best for him and our family and if it is in his heart to work for the church (which it is) I'm on board for it even if it is less pay. So I'm still praying God gives him the opportunity for the church job. He really has it in his heart to get that position. Please pray for him.
The other big prayer we were waiting to be answered still is hanging in limbo. We thought we may hear some more today but we didn't. It's hard to have so much hope for something and then to get it dashed, seriously, I have had enough hope dashed to last me a lifetime I'd just like good things to start happening. Whoever said life wasn't easy nailed that statement. I'd really like a break, I have given enough patience in the last year, I want some right now's! This waiting and not knowing is killing me. It's the only thing we have left to look forward too and all I want to know is if it's going to happen or not. I don't like not knowing, I can't plan for not knowing. I really think I need to stop having hopes and dreams because it always seems there getting dashed. What's the point in looking forward to something when, in the last year, I have had nothing but disappointment. We have had a few good things happen but there have been much bigger far worse things happening too. Some days I just wish I could lay in bed all day and not worry about bills, housework, eating, showering and the basics of life but I feel if I even let myself do that for a day I will sink back into that hole. I have taken the step to get out of bed everyday and manage to accomplish a few simple tasks but even that is overwhelming. If I take one day off I know it won't just be one day. With Stephen going back to work who would be here to stop me from doing it. Maybe it's what I need though. Maybe I do need a few weeks in bed. I need to get this heart thing figured out because even that is stopping me from accomplishing more basic daily tasks. I just want to loose this baby weight. It's a horrible reminder and I want it gone. I want to be healthy and happy again but shit keeps getting thrown in my face and I can't take much more. I know people always say God doesn't give you more then you can handle but I think God is mistaken when it comes to me. I feel I am at a breaking point and thankfully with all the love and support around me I don't see myself sinking back into the depths of depression. But, with winter and being a lone at home I really need to focus on making sure I have a daily routine, even as hard as it may seem. I just wish more good things would come our way so I could be distracted and have lots to do. It hasn't even snowed yet! The one year I was looking forward to shoveling snow because it is a great way to loose weight and it has to be done....I can't even do that.
By the by, since everyone keeps asking, no the other prayer has nothing to do with a baby. Stephen and I are no where near ready to even consider that a possibility. We are no where ready to risk the loss of another child or to even take care of one at the moment. Some days I cant even take care of myself. It has something to do with something I have prayer for over a year and we were given a possibility that I thought sounded good but now we have to wait and see and I don't think we'll hear for another month or two. So since I have to be hung in suspense, you can all join me!
I went to the psychiatrist yesterday. I asked to see a different one then last time because I didn't understand the last guy and all he wanted to do was give me medicine and I didn't want it at that point. Well the guy today was pretty much the same, just wanted to get me on medication and I understand that yes I may need it in the coming months but right now I feel okay. We have some big changes in life coming and at that point I may need an extra boost to get me through but right now talking is what helps most. I say that yet I feel so depressed and sad. I'm scared to take the medicine, I don't want to become dependent on it. I'm scared it will mess with my mind more then not being on it. I'm scared it will change me, I've already changed enough in the last year. I hope my doctor can refer me to someone else, someone who is willing to TALK and not just push meds. I need that right now.
I woke up at 4:30am with a horrible migraine. I took a maxalt and it took the edge off but when I woke up again at 10am and it was still there. I took a second maxalt (which I have never done before) at 12 and it did nothing. It did take the nauseous feelings away but the pain was still there. I tried a hot shower, saline spray, massage, cold cloth...nothing is taking all the pain away. It is no where near as painful as it was earlier and my sensitivity to light and feelings of nausea disappeared but there is still an underlying pain. It has never been like this before so of course I was scared it was an aneurysm because blood clots do run in the family and my aunt died from a brain aneurysm so I thought it may be that. However, the pain is exactly where I get my migraine pain and everything was similar to my migraines from before it's just maxalt didn't take all the pain away, which hasn't happened. I have had migraines related to hormones since I was about 16 so I am very use to them. When I was pregnant, both times, I thankfully didn't have any, they vanished (mine are related to my cycles, so no cycles while being pregnant meant no migraines! YIPPIES) but alas, they have returned. I can only hope this means in a few days something else will be returning so I can get back on track with that. As for the pain, I will sleep it off and if it's bad tomorrow maybe go to the ER since the doctors is not open. I know I get them and I know the pain but the thing that made me a bit more concerned this time was my usual remedy did not fully take away all the pain like it has in the past but, my body is different and maybe now it won't react the same to maxalt. At least it took the horrific edge off of it and took away my feelings of being sick. Here's praying tomorrow it is gone and something else is here instead (if it's same pattern as it was before)
I've been on Kijiji lately (for any of you who don't know, it's like the classifieds section in a newspaper, people sell and buy things there) I've been on the search for a church pew or bench to use at a dinning room table instead of chairs. I began the search with looking for a new table but remembered my mom has one in her basement that use to be my grandmas. I asked her if we could have it and re-do it, keep something from her side of the family to use in future generations, so she is going to strip it for us and then it is ours. The table we have now is falling apart. It is not sturdy at all, I've fallen through one of the chairs before so it is time to find something new. Now all I need are chairs so I was looking on Kijiji for chairs and a church pew (I just think having a church pew would be so cool, Stephen just laughed at me when I told him, but what does he know about decorating!) I have found some but there all too big so I am waiting until the perfect size one becomes available. Not only will it look cool but it's more practical for the big family we have in mind. You can cram a lot more kids into a bench/pew then individual chairs. Anyways, the reason I brought up Kijiji is because I have found there are so many dishonest people out there and it is bothersome to me.
I often time see things on Kijiji that people are selling for way more then the item is worth. For example, today I saw an IKEA bookcase (the exact same one I have in my house) that was priced at $200, keep in mind it is used and they want $200 for it. I know for a fact that bookshelf is NOT worth $200 because you can buy it brand new for $149. The exact same bookshelf, you can still get at IKEA, brand new, for $50 less. Given the convenience of getting to IKEA from London is probably worth the $50 but I find it so dishonest for people to charge others more then the item is worth or that they bought it for. Also, how does one define "antique" because I have seen people trying to sell things as "antiques" for thousands of dollars (when if they weren't antiques they'd only be in the hundreds) but the items are only 20-30 years old. I don't consider a couch from the 80's an antique. Something from the 1800's yes but not the 80's. I even saw a shelf one day that was being sold as an "antique" but I saw it for sale (brand new) at a store.....why must people be so dishonest? I have come to learn that this world is unfair and unjust and I have met some amazing people through our experiences the last year but I have also met some people who make this world unfair and unjust. Maybe people think they can get away with it? Are people that desperate to get money? Do they not realize that material objects mean nothing in this world (yes that is a HUGE cookie to chew for some people) but really, when it comes down to it, I rather not have anything but loving family and friends with a roof over our head, shoes on our feet and food to eat. Some people forget what life is truly about. I'll even admit, I was one of those people before October 15th, 2010. I was one who wanted a nice big house but in the last year all of that has changed. I have hit rock bottom and am trying to piece my life back together and it will NOT be the same as it was before.
I have learned that the true value in life is being fair to others, helping those in need and providing for those who have less then us. As much as I am so hurt and sad about what has happened to me, I know for a fact there are people in this world who are in a worse situation then me. I know for a fact women in 3rd world countries probably loose 10 babies and they don't even get the chance for photos, mementos or a proper burial. It doesn't make me feel any less sad or depressed about what happened to me but it makes me realize there are so many more things to life then just material objects. I know these things in my mind and I am working on getting them into my heart but after burying my own two children, it is hard. It will take time. I will be one of the fair and just people in this world! I will make this world a better place. Stephen and I never sell anything we get rid of, we always donate it because we know people need things and have struggles getting what they need. If I ever sold something I would ask less then what I bought it for and I surely wouldn't classify it as an "antique" just to get more money. What is money really worth anyways? It makes people greedy and selfish. Given, there are some people in this world with a lot of money who do good with it by donating most to charity. I understand people have to take care of themselves first, but remember, no matter what you go through in life, there is always someone out there who is worse off them you and as a Christian (if you consider yourself one) it is our duty to help those in need even when we are struggling ourselves.
Helping others is what gets me through the day. Yes I lost my two boys, our 1st and 2nd born and it is horrible and unfair and heartbreaking but I have support. I have family and friends and a church community there to help us along our grief journey. We have emotional support, mental support and financial support. We don't have medical bills piling up, Stephen and I are still married, we still manage to get by and I'm so thankful for that because I know loosing a children breaks some couples apart (given I always think there was an underlying problem to begin with in most of those cases) we aren't homeless, we know when our next meal is, we have a roof our head (even though it is full of mold and mice) and yes it may not always be warm in our house but at least we have clothes and blankets that are clean to put on ourselves. There are probably couples out there who split up after loosing a child, loose their homes, their jobs, their friends, a sense of life. They may not have support, they may have bills piling up and the last thing any mother who has lost a child wants to do is go back to work. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning so I am thankful for the fact we don't have many bills piling up. I am thankful I get what time I need to recover and get back into some sort of life. I am honest with my feelings and with my thoughts and I would never take advantage of others like some of those on Kijiji. I have all these thoughts in my head, my head gets it most times, but my heart is no where near there. I'm still heartbroken, sad and depressed. I am thankful with my mind but not yet my heart.
*When I started this I had no idea where it was going to go other then people on Kijiji are dishonest but I find when I write things start to come out, it brings up things I often think about but need prying to get out. I never use to write, I hated writing and after loosing Ty people kept telling me, write a journal and I kept telling them they were crazy, I'd never do that. But slowly I started to see the peace in writing. I started to see the faith behind writing. Here I was reading all of these blogs by other women with loss and realized how much it helped me and I figured I can help myself and others as well. Maybe someone who reads this is going through a second loss themselves or knowing they will be loosing a second child and they feel so alone. Maybe they think they can't face another pregnancy because the thought of a second loss terrifies them and they think they'd never make it through. I write from my heart and I'm sure a lot of the time it sounds like rambling, it doesn't make sense, I may jump from one thing to another and lord knows my grammar and punctuation are not up to par but when I start some days I can't stop. This is my journey and if my blogs sound jumbled and random that is where my mind is at. I pray one day with all this writing my mind will become more clear, I will be able to think and offer advice and support to those in my situation or those in any loss situation who need some hope. Stephen and I refuse to give up hope, we know we will be parents and we may be crazy for even thinking about trying again, but then I think of my blog a few days ago about Jim and Nancy Simpson and I realize, I am not crazy, I am a mother who has such an urge to mother and will do what it takes to have that opportunity. I suggest to those with a loss, journal about it. I'm now the one telling others to write about their loss because I know how much it has helped me and I had such resistance to it at first but when you write you can see, you can clear your mind and start to un- jumble it.
_Life has been a bit quiet lately but that is never a bad thing on the grief journey. There are two big things Stephen and I are anxiously waiting to hear about and two big things we have been praying for but all is still. We have not heard back from either so we are still stuck in limbo. We just sit and wait now.....and pray our hearts out.
We got the call this morning that Ty's headstone will be in and installed by next week (pictures to come) I find it quite heartbreaking that I am a bit happy at the fact that my son is getting his headstone in. But then what else do I have to look forward to in my life right now? There isn't much. It'll be nice when both are in (Jacob's should only be a few more weeks, the stone was on back order, it was in high demand) and I can plant a garden for them next Spring. I was going to put their Christmas tree up but I think I'll wait until Timmies has their Candy Cane hot chocolate out, for all of you non-Canadians that is December 1st. I know it is going to be very hard for me to see..there will be many tears the day we see his headstone, it just seems it, no pun intended, sets it in stone that his little body is there, he really is not with us. I look forward to it but at the same time I don't. I know it will be hard to see his headstone and even harder when Jacob's goes in next to him but I can't help to think how many people walk through that cemetery and will now know a little bit more about our boys.
Over the last few days I have been thinking about some more things that I am blessed with. One of them being, living in Ontario. Most of my angel mommy friends live in the US and they always talk about how expensive the medical bills are, this is for their angels, and it disgusts me that their even being charged when their child passed away. It is so wrong, so unjust and so unfair. They should NOT have to worry about medical bills on top of everything else. Can't they be given a break? Haven't they gone through enough? I am so thankful and so blessed that we did not pay a single cent for Ty or Jacob, given they'd be worth every penny we would have to pay but it has tremendously lessened a huge burden in our lives and we are so thankful for that. Another thing I have learned from my angel mommy friends, most of their potter's babies were stillborn and did not make it to full term like Jacob did. Given Jacob's case was by no means typical, in fact most call it a medical mystery. All I call it is a blessing from God that he was with us, alive, for two days. That's more then a lot of women get with their babies. It's more then we had with Ty.
I've also discovered one thing I get joy out of in life is helping other angel mommies. If I can make them smile for even a moment it warms my heart. As hard as I find it to function on a daily basis and as hard as it has been for me I always find strength and motivation in helping others with their loss. I'm on a very different journey then most of them but we all share the loss of a baby in common. I may be struggling with my own grief but I find strength in helping them. I know my life will take me in a direction where I am helping other angel moms, I don't know how yet but I trust God will lead the way. I have many ideas and am very motivated to see them come true. It may take a few years but I'm not going anywhere until there is a proper perinatal hospice and loss program at the hospital here.
I pray in a week or two I can announce our two big prayers being answered but until then we just ask you to keep us in your prayers. God knows what we need and want.
Because I don't cry enough as it is, I thought I would go through and read some of my old blogs last night. Reading them brought back so many memories and feelings. Poor little Jacob was called a girl for the longest time. It was funny to see me write Matea...knowing that it turned out to be Jacob. But reading my thoughts and feelings going through it all and reading the blog where we found out his kidneys were developing and how much hope and faith I seemed to have that things would be okay, that Jacob would be our little miracle baby, it's heartbreaking. To think it has been 6 months since that fateful day...two weeks before our wedding is when we found out Jacob would most likely not be coming home with us, instead he would be joining Ty in Heaven, 6 months ago. 6 months ago I also said I do to the most incredible man I know. 6 months is half a year...two halves ago was the day we found out Ty would not be coming home with us. So much heartbreak in such little time. It's like my life should be called two funerals and a wedding (instead of two weddings and a funeral)
I often think about the last year and who wouldn't right? So many things have happened and I replay all of it in my head. I still remember exactly how it felt when we heard the doctor say, "I'm not seeing any cardiac activity, I'm so sorry" and the 12 hours the followed those words. I still remember holding Ty in my arms and seeing how handsome he was. We waited so long to see who he would look like and he was the perfect blend of Stephen and I, maybe a bit more like me with my nose and ears. I actually think Ty looked a lot like my brother. The first two months after loosing Ty are so hard to remember. We were in such shock that it actually happened. Our hopes and dreams were dashed, we felt so alone and had no idea how to get on. Then at the 3 month mark we became pregnant with Jacob and a whole new set of emotions began. I really feel like because we got pregnant so quickly after loosing Ty we never fully grieved him and it's only now that I can grieve him but on top of that, I'm also grieving Jacob....it has been a tough last year. I remember the first few months of being pregnant with Jacob. I had no idea because I felt great! Pregnancy with him was complete opposite of what it was with Ty. Jacob gave me the gift of loving being pregnant. I remember all the firsts we had with him. Our 6 week ultrasound where the tech said his heart probably only began beating that morning and it was rare we were seeing it so early on. The 7 week ultrasound where he was starting to form. The 10 week check up where we heard his heartbeat for the first time, after being told it was too early. The 14 week ultrasound because the doc couldn't find his heartbeat (that was a scary time) and seeing how much he had grown in just 2 weeks since his 12 week ultrasound (which went so well) We were so hopeful that things seemed to be going great, he seemed to be beating the odds and proving he had a mission. Then came the 19 week ultrasound when our world came crashing down. I will never forget how I felt on those days either and hearing the tech tell me I had to go see my doctor right away, knowing something was wrong. Our doctor telling us there are some problems and it doesn't look good, we refereed you to the fetal development clinic where we met one of the best OB's I've know. I didn't like him at first but then again he was the one who gave me the fatal news. But he was so kind and caring and understanding to Stephen and I and for that I have a lot of respect. He is also very knowledgeable and always gave us the time of day no matter how many questions we had. If you live in London, ON and need a good high risk OB send me a message I'll give you the name.
The day of the FDC clinic was tough, it was the longest day ever. Ultrasound in the morning then the wait...I think we waited a good 4 or 5 hours before our meeting. We knew going in things were not good and we knew we would not be bringing this little sweet pea home. I will never forget the words "incompatible with life". Between Ty and Jacob, 6 words, 6 simple words but to use they were the most devastating 6 words we have ever heard. Those 6 words were our hopes and dreams being dashed, our hearts breaking, our lives changing. Those 6 words put us into a community we never knew of until it happened to us. Those 6 words took away grandsons, and nephews, brothers and sons, possible fathers and grandfathers themselves but now we will never know. 6 is such a heartbreaking number in our family.
I often go over each delivery and the 5 months where we had Jacob knowing he wouldn't be coming home with us but trying everything we possibly could to change that outcome. It just wasn't meant to be. I think about how beautiful labor and delivery was with Ty. As painful as it was I would do it all over again. I think about how it happened so quickly and how I slept through most of it thanks to modern medicine, modern medicine that couldn't save either of my boys though. I remember the only sound in the room when Ty was born was my sobbing. I think about my sobs in the surgery room after Jacob was born. We were told all along, if he cries its a good sign, but that was a lie. He still died. I think about the 20 minutes I was aware from Stephen while they were preparing me, it seemed so long, I remember thinking all I wanted was for Stephen to be by my side. I don't understand why husbands can't be in there the entire time. I remember feeling so scared and alone. I was so helpless. I will never forget the minute the doctor pulled Jacob out and showed him to us. His eyes...oh his eyes...I wish I had a picture.He most certainly had his fathers dark eyes. I remember him moving, it's the only time I really got to see him as him.
My days are consumed with thinking about Ty and Jacob and everything that happened in the last year. My heart can't take opening the boys dresser and seeing all the little clothes that should have been. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently (though with Jacob there wasn't much and with Ty it was the doctors fault, in Canada there is no required 3rd trimester ultrasound, had they done one they would have caught he was not growing right and possibly saved him, but that did not happen) the only thing it did was increase the monitoring for any future pregnancies but I don't know if I can put my heart and body through that again. I'm struggling so much right now and not being able to loose this baby weight is adding to the stress and anxiety. I don't get why it melted off after Ty but now it is stuck on my body. It just adds to the depression.
6 more months and we go for a check up with the OB to see how my body healed and to answer our ever growing list of questions in regards to another possible pregnancy. It seems like an eternity but the last 6 months have flown by so here's to hoping the next 6 do as well. 6 months is a short time when I think of all the goals we have set to fulfill by then and they aren't small ones either. I pray and hope 2012 will be our year.
Today I am thankful that my green winter coat fits. I was worried I'd have to freeze this winter because I am a lot bigger then I was last winter when I bought the coat but I put it on and with a little sucking in of the gut, it was able to be buttoned up! Given, I can't raise my arms above my waist but who really needs that? At least I will be warm and I don't have to go through the depression of having to buy a bigger winter coat.
So....the trip yesterday. It actually went pretty well. I think what made it possible was the fact that I wasn't going for me, there wasn't anything I was going to get myself. I went because the boys needed a bigger Christmas tree for their grave and I wanted to get one to have here for them too. I got two table top trees and a boat load of Christmas decorations. I also picked up a few things for the house....I LOVE Hobby Lobby. If we are blessed to move anytime soon, I will be going back to get some homie decorations. I also got Jacob a bunch of first Christmas stuff to put in his box and a stocking. They had angel stocking holders but I wasn't a fan of the way they looked so I'll be waiting until better ones come out, maybe next year. We also went to Kohl's because I had to buy the boys a blanket that I am sending away to have their names, footprints and birthdates sewn onto. I wanted to get the same blanket that Jacob was wrapped in at the hospital but there was no way I was opening the bag that has his actual one in it so I got another one. I also found two new black sweaters for me (since they were stolen from the laundry mat, another reason I really hope we can get into a house soon, no one can steal our laundry and it won't be ruined with grease stains from other people) and two shirts that fit me now (I'm not going to say what size because it was quite depressing)
We were only away for about 4 hours, which we've done in London so it wasn't like we were gone any longer but I was anxious on the drive there and back. I wasn't too bad while we were there because I was so focused on thinking of things to make the boys. The only bad part was that in order to get the blanket I needed I had to go through the baby section and that was very hard. There were so many things I saw that I wanted to get for the boys and it's so hard to wrap my head and heart around the fact that they don't need anything because they are not here. I have such an urge to be buying them stuff but they don't need it. How do I tell my heart no? It doesn't understand, it is so broken from being empty handed while leaving the hospital twice, I just can't break it anymore. I hope over time the urges to buy them things go away. I've been really good this time about not actually buying them things, after Ty I went out and bought some things but this time I can't put myself through that. Ty did get a birthday present but that was it. Though, I may still buy them each a little Christmas gift to put under their tree. It's just so heartbreaking to buy a gift, wrap it up and leave it that way because there are no little boys to unwrap their presents. At the same time, it's so hard to resist the urge to be buying them things.....Sigh.....
I really want a room to decorate as a nursery because I want someplace for Ty and Jacob. I want the reminder of what was and what should have been and what WILL be one day.... I want a huge wall to hang all their pictures and mementos on ( I also bought a big set of metal angel wings to hang on their wall and I want to paint "Our Angels" and then have their shadow boxes and lots of picture frames with their pictures) but we need more space to do that...in the meantime their stuff are in boxes...I want it out where I can see it, where I can connect with it. I want to recognize and feel what those items mean to me. I can't do anything when there in a box. It feels like my grief is stuck in limbo until some things can change for Stephen and I. There's things I need to be able to do but simply cannot right now.
On top of wanting all of that....the mice are starting to chew through the wall and I pray they don't get to the cords. This house is simply not that safe for us and it is affecting Milo's health (and our health too) plus, I feel it has blessed and cursed us at the same time. Stephen and I need a new place, someplace we can really make a home and grow into. Someplace where we can start over and pray we are on the path towards a much happier future. The last year has been so tough for us, we could really use a break. We have a new car, Stephen will (we pray) be getting a new job soon, it only seems fitting that we move into a new place and have a fresh start. We will never forget the last year, we will always embrace it but it's time that the last year fits into our new life. We want a proper place to share Ty and Jacob with the world....praying something comes up soon.
Counseling went really well today. I feel like it was the first time I really let me emotions show. I kept thinking to myself, I have all these emotions and feelings and I was holding them in and I don't know why because that's why I was going to counseling, to help deal with these emotions. But I haven't been sharing them until today. I let everything out, tears and all. It felt really good to get some things off of my chest that have been sitting heavy for a while. I have a long way to go before I can even begin to start to piece my life back together but like my counselor told me today...one small step at a time. The fact that I get out of bed and shower everyday is amazing because some people can't even do that but I am able to accomplish that. She said I should be proud of that and that I need to recognize all the small things I do accomplish on a daily basis, things like showering and getting dressed (even if it is back into pajamas, at least they are clean pajamas) brushing my hair and drying it, brushing my teeth, going for walks, going to the gym. I don't see these as monumental accomplishments because the old me, it was just a part of my routine but she pointed out the fact that the old me is gone and after everything I have been through it is a small miracle I am still able to hold together somewhat of a life. Of course it is no where near as full as it should be but with time I'm hoping to get there. I need to give myself time, allow myself to grieve, not worry about the bills not to push myself into anything I am not ready for.
We also talked about how a situation such as loosing a child can really down ones self esteem. I told her I felt like these were two of the biggest things I should have been able to succeed at in life and I failed. I was carrying them, I should have been able to protect them. No matter how many times people tell me I did nothing wrong, the guilt will always be there. I feel like a failure and I don't think it will get better until I actually give birth to a living healthy baby we get to bring home, no matter how many other things I succeed at in life, until I can give birth and bring a baby home I will always feel I have failed. It is something I will have to deal with for a long time.
Tomorrow we are headed to Port Huron, let's see how this goes. It is a HUGE step for me. I have severe separation anxiety this time around, being away from home is making me have panic attacks. Literally, panic attacks. I get all sweaty and shake and my heart starts to race which brings on the intense chest pains (similar to when I am working out, have to go back to the doctors to have it checked again, see how it does when stressed) So going places by myself is pretty much unheard of right now, it's just too tough and I've been doing okay with going out with Stephen but tomorrow is a big trip. I know it's only an hour away, but it is over the border in a different country and away from home. The good thing is, I know at anytime we can leave and be home within an hour. We're going because I want to go to Hobby Lobby and get the boys a Christmas tree, one for them and one for us. I think because I am going to get them something it may be easier, it is something I really want for them. We'll see if we make it half way down the highway and I'm still feeling okay or if we turn around. I have a feeling it won't bode well because of all the baby things I'll see that I'll want to get for them. I have to remember to put Kleenex in my purse. On top of that, Stephen is going out tomorrow night with the Bereaved boys (last time he did I had a total meltdown so I was ordered to sit my butt on the couch this time but) I may be going over to a co-workers for a girls night in....again, very anxious to see how I handle such a big day. It surely is not one small step at a time it is two HUGE steps. Thankfully Sunday will be a day of rest...the only downfall, no working out today and probably not tomorrow. Sigh.....I just want this weight off. Praying I survive tomorrow. Maybe I'll throw a run in between the two events, get some stress and anxiety out.
I forgot to mention...Stephen and I were asked to be a part of a bereavement documentary. Stephen is doing it for sure and I'm going to try too but I may cry through the whole thing. I'll post more when we know more and when the video is up.
I have been meaning to post this photo for a while now. I stumbled across this headstone one day while walking through the older section of the children's area. I always think about this family when I feel alone. I've buried two of my children yes, but this couple has buried five. FIVE! I can't even imagine. Seeing this broke my heart. Infants and a very young toddler, none lived very long. It is so heartbreaking to see this, my heart goes out to Nancy and Jim, how I wish I could find them and give them the biggest hugs ever, cry with them, share my story, listen to their stories. At the same time this headstone breaks my heart it give me so much hope and faith. We are still undecided when it comes to trying again but seeing this headstone makes me think it is possible and maybe even more then once. This lady gave birth to 5 children she had to bury. I'm only at two and I pray to God that is all I will ever have to do. But if she can do it, if she can find the strength, the hope, the courage to try 5 times maybe, just maybe I can find the same strength, courage and hope to try once more. God bless you Nancy and Jim Simpson and all your little angels.
As I laid awake last night I thought how much grief is similar to a flower. You start with a raw seed, you plant it deep within the depths of the earth. You nourish it, you tend to it, you care for it, you feed it. You pour your heart and soul out into making it grow. It sometimes takes weeks, months or even years for that flower to grow and you continue to pour your heart into it. In the end when the flower finally blooms you can step back and see the beauty you created. You took something raw and turned it into something beautiful. Grow with your grief, make it something beautiful, it may take weeks, months or years but you too can pour your heart into making it grow into something wonderful.
Today is Stephen's birthday. A day where I have to try my hardest to be strong for him. He gives me every other day of the year (well most) and today I need to do it for him. It's very hard to be strong for someone else when I feel so weak myself. How do I support him when he starts to get teary eyed and seeing that break my heart, it is a gut wrenching pain to see him hurt, and then I loose it? I was able to be strong for him last year after loosing Ty when he needed me to be, but this time around, it feels impossible. It hurts me so much to see him in so much pain. It hurts me so much to see him be so wonderfully caring and kind and loving to our friends kids. To see him play with them and love on them....he should be doing that with Ty and Jacob. He wants so badly to be able to father his children and it kills me that he can't. I can only pray God gives us that chance one day. Today we are not celebrating happy times, but rather today I celebrate him. I celebrate a man who 28 years ago today was placed on this earth by God and for that I am so thankful and blessed. A man that almost 6 months ago became my husband. A man who means so much to me, he is my rock. A man I would be lost without. A man that I look forward to spending the rest of my life with. A man who is an amazing father to his angels in Heaven. A man who is so strong and smart. A man who has so much to offer the world. Thank you God for blessing me with Stephen. Today we celebrate the love we have, our relationship, our future. Today will be a day of many tears from both of us. I don't know if it will ever get better....all I can do is keep praying....really praying for this certain opportunity to work out, won't know until at least next week.....another day down.
Stephen came home with some rather positive news yesterday. I have been praying my little heart out since and ask all of you to pray for us this week. I can't say what it is yet, I don't want to jinx it but I am trusting in God that he told Stephen this because he intends on fulfilling one of our biggest prayers. It is something we have been praying for, for a long time and we have a possible opportunity to make it happen. I really hope God didn't put it in our minds only to dash our hopes and dreams again...I really hope he has every intention on answering a big prayer of ours. Stephen is also going out to apply for jobs this week so we need prayers for that as well. He has been on the job hunt for over 2 years, this economy just stinks. He has some leads this week and we're praying one of them turns out to be something good for him. We really need a break, God knows what opportunity I am talking about so please pray that he gives us it.
I attempted my first time out in the mall without Stephen. I was rather anxious about this but I made it half an hour in the mall with very little tears. Albeit, I was shaking, sweaty palms and nervous as crap but I did what I had to do then got the hell out of there. I was so anxious my heart rate was up really high and my heart started to hurt again, just like it does when I work out (which it is still doing so back to the doctors) but I managed to get through and get home. I had to get Stephen something for his birthday...I had an idea of getting an engraveable picture frame so I went to Things Engraved and picked out a very beautiful frame (I know he doesn't read my blogs often so I know it won't ruin his birthday surprise) anyways on the top I had engraved in a really pretty script font Daddy and His Boys and on the bottom Love Ty and Jacob and it has a little do hickey under their names, it is so nice. I printed off a picture of him and the boys from in the hospital when he was holding Jacob and had Ty bear in his lap and got a mat to frame it with. I hope he likes it, that store is quite pricy once you start engraving things. But it is so nice and I know he will love it. I also got him some mint tea, a father figurine and a tow-mater stuffed toy and book, it's really for him to share with his future children but the rest is for him. I know it won't be a very happy day, unfortunately we know how much our birthdays suck from going through it after loosing Ty but I do hope he finds some peace in tomorrow.
I am having the same issues with pregnant women as I did last time but this time I find as long as I know pregnant women are having girls I have no problems but when it comes to pregnant women having boys, I have some serious issues, it breaks my heart. No one else should be having little boys, no one should get the joy and happiness of a little boy because we just buried our second baby boy. It's not fair. I don't like being jealous or upset or angry at the fact that other people get to have what we want so badly and got so close to having twice but can't seem to get but God gave me these feelings and I have to deal with them. I wish I could shut the world out until I am able to bring a baby home. It is all we want, we have no goals in the meantime and we have a long wait. I wish I could stay inside and work on being healthy and happy without the constant abuse and slaps to the face of other people having healthy babies, its too much to deal with. But then I know being a hermit is not good as well, it would only be until we had a baby to bring home....a year or two is not that long to be a hermit. I just don't feel like I can deal with pregnant women this time around, I have to avoid them like the plague. But I have to do what is best for me and what helps me in my healing the most even if it means being a hermit until my depression subsides enough so I can function on a daily basis, even if it means avoiding pregnant people like the plague...it's all I can handle now, I don't need to be pushed towards having more meltdowns. Right now I think being a hermit would be the best thing for me...I can't handle all the overwhelming issues of the world, my heart literally cannot handle it, it is so stressed I am getting chest pains.
I have been feeling really alienated lately, even from people we have grown close to over the last year. It's really hard to be happy for other people when they have the one thing you want so bad but can't see to get. I don't like feeling that way, I should be happy for everyone but I'm not. I feel I can't even relate to some people anymore, that what has happened in my life has made me stray away from being like others and really alienated me. Everyone's lives are moving on, people are happy, they are getting married and having kids. Ones that have lost kids are having more and they have reasons to be happy but I can't relate to that happiness. That is not where I am in my journey. Everyone is on a different path and journey but I am stuck in grief land. I don't like it here all by myself. It's a dark lonely place and as much as I would love someone to join me I also pray they don't because I'd never wish upon anyone to loose a child. I'm in a different place then most, I have lost a child and had my rainbow, a time when I should have been so damn happy like everyone else but that is not the case. I lost my rainbow as well, there is no happiness to that, there is only grief, lonely dark grief. I am by myself in this journey, well I have Stephen, but as far as other angel moms go, I am alone. Even the few I know who have had two full term losses still have children at home and I cannot relate to that. My grief is so very different from theirs. Everyone's grief is different but even my life is so different from theirs. As I type this I keep reminding myself that I know for a fact I am not alone in my grief. I know for a fact that in third world countries women loose babies and children all the time. I really need to keep remembering that. It's just it would be really nice to have someone to talk to who is in my shoes, I know our shoes and the paths our shoes walk are different but there would be some similarities. No one else gets it.
Each new day seems to bring more tears. It's the littlest things that set me off. I had total meltdown #3 last night. It came on with a fury and lasted for quite sometime and my heart just broke. I felt the depth of my broken heart in such an incredible amount of pain. We were watching Criminal Minds and towards the end of the show Agent Rossi was taking to his ex-wife, she was diagnosed with ALS and wanted to kill herself. He got there too late, she had already taken a bottle of pills and as he was sitting on the bed holding her she said "do you think I will see him there?" and he responded "I know you will". I had a feeling they were referring to a son they had that had passed away, I just didn't know at what age. Well the last scene of the show was of Agent Rossi sitting by his wife's grave having a picnic and as it was fading out the camera moved over to another headstone right beside his wife's. It was of there son, born and died on the same day.....I absolutely lost it. I don't know if that meant their son was stillborn or died on the day he was born but I do know how it feels in both of those situations (though Jacob lived two days) and it broke my heart into a million pieces, I felt like I had been stabbed. I was thankful they showed it, acknowledging pregnancy and infant loss, even if for a brief moment, is better then nothing. I wasn't expecting it to be a baby though....and it just made me turn into a huge ball of an emotional mess. I connected so much to that scene, I know how it is to visit a child at the cemetery, the last 18 months of my life are buried in a cemetery. It took me a long time after watching that to settle back down.
Church today brought on the tears as well. Stephen did not warm me that on all Saint's Day the church remembers those who have passed, especially from the congregation....needless to say they said Jacob's name and I lost it. They had been saying it the first few weeks after Jacob passed away but by the time we went back they had stopped and I was surely not expecting it today. I do pretty well when I know a head of time it will be said so I can prepare but when it's out of the blue....it's like being stabbed in the heart. They talked a lot about death and about those before us so I was already teary eyed and when they came to listing the names I just let the tears and snot flow freely. Most everyone there now knows about Ty and Jacob so it won't be a surprise to them if they see me in tears. I went to visit the boys by myself after church. Stephen is getting involved in the youth group and in time I will too but my heart is too broken right now to do anything but function on a daily basis. He went out with some of the kids for ice cream and I went to say Hi to the boys before I came home and went for my run to peace hill. I cried a lot at the cemetery and a bit well running but as soon as I got to peace hill I seemed to feel so much more at peace (hence the name) and this afternoon I am feeling okay, sad but okay for the moment until something sets me off into meltdown #4. I know tomorrow will be an extremely hard day for me, some may know why but I'm not going to mention it right now. I need to deal with my feelings first and sort those out so I don't say anything to offend or hurt someone. I just pray God gives me strength either way.
This whole experience has really tugged at my heart to be a leader in the angel baby community. I know in my mind and with God's strength and guidance I will make sure perinatal comfortcare programs get into LHSC. I will not give up my fight until the hospital agrees. They are going to be so sick of me and everyone I will recruit until they do something about the lack of care for angel families. Maybe if I am lucky enough I can even make it into a new career somehow. A few of the women I talk to always say I have such inspiring things to say and that they find me so strong and level headed (if they only knew what was going on in the depths of my soul they would see neither of those statements are 100% true) But I guess when I do talk to other angel moms, especially first time ones, because I have been there I sometimes know what to say. This is starting to shape the new me and speaking of the new me, I mentioned something to a fellow angel mom earlier about finding the new "me" when you have lost a child. I said "the thing I learned after loosing Ty and even more so after loosing Jacob, I will never return to the "me" from before. Experiencing the loss of a child is a life changing event, it is a person changing event, you learn to live with and define the new you and it takes a lot of time but it is worth the amazingness of the new you that will take shape". I sometimes do say encouraging things but I really wish I could see that in my own life and maybe I am starting to see a small glimpse into the new me. Its been almost 13 months since we lost Ty and 2 1/2 since we lost Jacob....I know there is no time frame on grief or healing but I think I am slowly starting to define a new sense of me. I know it really will take a lot of time and hard effort on my part but the ideas I have for the new me.....big things are going to happen next year. I am determined to Heaven and back to get a perinatal comfortcare and loss program in our community and if I have to be the one running it, I'll count that as a blessing and praise God for the opportunity.
As I was sitting and connecting with the boys and God at my new favourite spot in London, a little boy (maybe 3 or 4) came to play with his dad at the playground. I could hear them talking every once in a while and one time it caught my ear. The dad was explaining to the little boy how to play tic tac toe (x's and o's) and it made me teary eyed because Stephen will never have that chance with Ty or Jacob. He will never get to go to that playground with his little boys and teach them all about tic tac toe. I kind of stopped listening after they started playing until I heard the little boy crying and wondered what had happened. His dad was yelling at him to stop being such a baby (I think the dad beat him at tic tac toe and the little boy was upset) great parenting skills yelling at your 3 year old to stop crying like a baby....the little boy did not want to play anymore but his dad was making him, again I was thinking, seriously? You made your kid cry now your yelling at him to stop acting like a baby and forcing him to play a game he doesn't want too. I don't agree with that but the dad wanted the little boy to play again so he could let the little boy win...a small ounce of respect came back...but most of it was gone when he was yelling at him to stop acting like a baby. Why do parents who don't appreciate their children get to have them? The world is so unfair. Sitting there hearing that lead me to think of all the things Ty and Jacob will never get to do. There are far to many to list, in fact the list would never end. Every time I see a little boy it always makes me realize Ty and Jacob will never get to do that...They will never get to enjoy the beauty of fall, the sunny bright skies with the cool bitter air....it breaks my heart
At least Charlie and Milo keep us entertained. Speaking of Charlie, he thought it would be fun to run through the paint in the bedroom and then jump all over the curtains and bed leaving little white kitty feet prints everywhere. It was kind of funny to watch and even more funny when we had to clean him. He sure did not like getting washed down to get all the paint off of him, he was whining the whole time. In fact until about 2 hours ago when we finally got him down to take a nap (now I'm sounding like he's a kid but seriously sometimes he acts like it) he was whinny all day long. He would just not stop, he had a very rough day and he is peacefully sleeping now. He really does act like a 2 year old sometimes with his terrible two's tantrums and what have you. All we can do is laugh because it is hilarious, except when it begins at 5am and he does not stop until 3pm....long day for mommy and daddy.
Its been two months since we said hello and goodbye to Jacob. These last two months have gone by a lot quicker then the first two months after loosing Ty. I don't know where the time is going, in one sense I like that because we have big plans for next year, but in another.....I want to go back and do it all over again. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything will be okay and have it actually be okay. It'll be 9 weeks Monday since he was born and I think back to the first 9 weeks after Ty.....my how they are so very different. This time around I am still struggling with getting out of bed everyday. I manage to take showers but they usually aren't until the afternoon and I only take them sometimes because I have exercised and if I didn't shower Stephen would make me sleep outside on the porch. I don't seem to have much of an appetite...I have to force myself to eat sometimes. The only things I find joy in are going to see the boys and exercising outside (which starting this week may not be happening anymore because of the weather) and sitting on top of my new favourite place. I'll have to think of a name to call it....maybe peace hill....it's very fitting.
As I am sitting here writing this looking outside I see that the black mold in the windows has started to creep further down. It's a good thing we have the air purifier on. I can't clean it because the top windows are painted shut and my arms are not long enough to reach up there. I can only pray it stays high up until we get into a house. So here's to hoping it can stay up there for at least a year. As much as we have our heart set on getting into a house soon, mainly for our health, because Stephen and I have spent pretty much the last year mourning our boys I don't think it will happen as soon as we would like it too. I'd say it'll happen when we win the lottery but in order to win you have to play and we don't....instead we have to work hard towards that goal but right now neither of us has the strength to do much more then the basic functioning of everyday life. I just wish God would start to give us some breaks in life, we sure could use some help right now. Here's to another day down...
I have been out walking and now jogging everyday for the last 3 weeks and it has lead me to find a new favourite place in London. It's on top of a hill about 5 minutes from our house and it overlooks all of London, it is a breathtaking view. I was there this morning, I jogged most of the way there and walked back. I just sat for awhile talking to God, feeling the warmth of the sun on my legs, breathing in the fresh air, thinking about the future and enjoying the view. I left once the weed whacker and the kids showed up but I intend on going there every morning that it is nice out. It's such a peaceful place and I feel very connected to God there. I was thinking about a house this morning, usually every time I am out walking I think of a house because I often walk by someone who is doing laundry and that smell...ohhh the smell of fresh laundry tugs at my heart, it makes me teary eyed. When I smell fresh laundry I think of a loving, comfy, family home. A place with a loving family inside, doing things together, growing, accomplishing, succeeding, loving, caring.....the things I want in my house. So it got me thinking about what I want in a house. I don't need anything fancy or big, I don't need anything expensive or top of the line, the things I want are memories. Ty and Jacob will never get to experience life in our household and it breaks my heart they won't know that love, they won't know that life. I walked by a little boy earlier on my second walk and he was eating an apple. It made me cry, Ty and Jacob will never even get to eat an apple, something so mundane to must but so meaningful to me.....the tears flow so freely these days.
Back to the house....I want a house that is roomie enough for a large family (my parents will be living with us and we intend on having many kids) it doesn't have to be huge, kids can share rooms, we'll be a very close family. I want a washer and dryer so I can enjoy the smell of fresh laundry and hope it gives my kids the same sense of warmth and love it gives me. I want a laundry line because the smell of freshly dried bedsheets on a warm sunny day.....so yummy! I want a big back yard so we can garden and teach the kids all about nature, so the kids can pick off fresh raspberries and pea to their little hearts content. I want a big dinning table so our entire family can fit around the table, including empty chairs for Ty and Jacob. I want a bathtub. It's the simple things in a house I want. Most importantly I want it to be a place where my kids grow and feel so incredibly loved, I want them to feel that home is where the heart is and that no matter where they go, home will always be there for them. I don't require much, I'd take an old soul and giver her new life, or I'd take a middle ager and make her home. Give her a few facelifts and she'd be young and better looking then ever. I'd even take a fresh youngster. I don't know when it will happen, all I can do is pray to God that he lets it happen soon. Stephen and I really need a break, we need something good to look forward too, something to hold on too. Something to make our own, something to mould our future around. I don't consider a home a material object because the actual house structure does not matter, it's what lies inside, the family, the love, the care, the warmth...the future, the hope, the dreams....we had those once, we had those twice but both times they were crushed. We can't do much but try to pick ourselves back up and try to piece together what we want our future to be and that starts with a place to call home. A place where the great grandparents can come and see 4 generations of families together, where we can celebrate love and life, old or new. Where we can celebrate the blessings God gives us on a daily basis. That is what a home is made of, not hardwood floors or granite counter-tops, not 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms, not stainless steel appliances....it's about a loving family. Please God give us the opportunity to start creating a home...a place where generations can gather and celebrate. We don't ask much but it is the only dream we have left and we can't bear the heartache of loosing that dream either.