I found a temporary place for all of Jacob's things so that meant last night was take down the stupid bassinet night. I also spent the later hours of the night putting away most of the baby things. The hard thing is, we don't really have much storage so some things are still out in the open...talk about rubbing salt into the wounds. When we took down the bassinet after we lost Ty I felt such heartache, I was sad and depressed but this time I just wanted to throw the stupid thing out side. I was angry at having to take it down, not sad but pissed off. How is this world just when I was taking down the bassinet for a SECOND time without being able to use it yet? I surely wasn't sad, I just wanted to rip the thing to shreds. I really need to get to Goodwill to buy some cheap glassware, I need a good smashing session. Some of the clothes I was putting away still had the tags on them and it was nice to be able to rip the heck out of the price tags to get them off. It just angers me so much that all we want is a child and it's the hardest thing for us to get. I don't get it. Why can one dude go around and have 15 kids with 15 different women, or a women can have 5 different kids and doesn't know who the fathers are but when Stephen and I want to have a child, we want to have the opportunity to raise, love and spoil a child, we have had such a tragic time of trying. Why can't the people who shouldn't have children be the ones that have a hard time and instead the ones who deserve that opportunity to be a parent have an easier time?
I don't like how I can fit into my closet now. I miss my big belly so much, even more, what was inside my big belly. At around 6 months is when I could no longer fit into my closet (meaning I couldn't get in my closet because the doors were too narrow) but now it's easy. I much prefer it the other way. I took down our goal poster (it was about having a baby) and our goal outfits as it seems we are just not meant to have a child so why rub it into my face every morning, a reminder of what we want but cannot get. It was too much to see every morning. Our house is starting to feel empty again. All the excitement and joy have been drained and replaced with sorrow and sadness. 11 months worth of sorrow and sadness and a lifetime to go. I pray there are better days ahead but this time around I just don't know if there will be. The last 9 months have been so different compared to the 9 months with Ty and postpartum is totally opposite. I feel so much more anger this time around but also a deeper sorrow. We had two days with Jacob and those two days are the absolute most precious two days I probably will have ever had on earth. I just wish I had known at the time it would only be two days, I would have done so much more. Please, don't ever take your children's life for granted. You never know when something tragic can happen. Enjoy every day you can. Love your child no matter what, support your child no matter what, encourage your child no matter what, kiss, hug and tell your child you love them every single day. Even if they are far away do not go a day without showing them your love. You never know when it could be their last day. Cherish everyday you have with them. Turn the TV off, turn the computers off, put down the cellphone and give your children your attention because you are so blessed to have children in your life, be thankful.
So far all the genetic tests on Jacob have come back normal...it just adds more fuel to the fire. How could he be so perfect, how could everything be okay but he is still not here. The same thing happened with Ty. I don't get it. How can we have two perfectly healthy little boys (minus Jacob's kidneys developing late) and their both in Heaven? It does not make any sense and it just makes me more angry and upset, I do not understand how that is possible. I guess the good thing is, it's not genetic so it shouldn't happen again if we ever decided to give it one more shot (which is out of the question at the moment) but still, two losses with no real explanation. It does not make things easier, in fact it makes things a lot harder. I think it would be better if it were genetic...at least then we'd know instead of wondering why our two healthy baby boys are in Heaven when they should really be here on earth. It's not fair, I don't get it, I don't understand. I guess we just have really really shitty luck. It just justifies the reason not to try again. If it were something particular they could fix okay, but to have no answers as to why two healthy baby boys are in Heaven, that is just not worth the risk. I refuse to have to bury a third child. We still have a few tests to go so maybe something will still show up, placenta or dad's kidneys or some explanation. It's hard to come to terms with the loss of Ty and Jacob when we have no answers as to what happened. It really makes things that much harder to accept.
These days seem to be just getting harder and harder. At least after Ty my body protected me from the initial shock and I didn't feel much until around 3 months but now, this time, it's already here, in full force and it is incredibly hard to deal with. We have so many things to do and people to call but I simply cannot do it. Every time I get on the phone I start to cry. Every time we go out I get tears in my eyes. My hear is so broken it can't even function on a daily basis this time. Last time we were able to get up and shower, eat, get out to walk but this time it seems so hard to even do any of that. I really did not think it was possible for my heart to break even more, but with love comes the risk of a broken heart. My heart will always remain broken, nothing will ever fix it. My two boys are in Heaven, there is no way my heart can heal. It can get better, it can mend but it will never be the same solid heart as it use to be. I just pray I find some peace in all of this. I got it with Ty, we learned so much and our lives were better because of it, but this time, I don't get it and I don't think I ever will.