It's Monday and it REALLY feels like a Monday. It is time to get back to the grind and deal with the realities of life. We had such a nice short time away, a break from constant grief, but now it is back in full force. There are a lot of things I am dealing with, non of which I feel comfortable mentioning yet but one of the biggest ones, I should be able to mention in a few weeks, regardless of which way it goes.
For a brief moment this weekend it seemed life was getting back on track, a smile and a real one at that, a moment of happiness, if only temporary, it was still a snippet of what our normal life use to be like. I remember what it was like to have hopes and dreams and felt so very refreshed. It took me back to a time before all of this grief that has now become a huge part of our life. It was a glimpse into a life I wish I could have all the time but the reality is, our trip ended, we came back home and I woke up on a Monday morning facing even more challenges than the day before.
One would think that with time things get easier and better but reality wise, they don't. Just because it has been 9 months since we lost Jacob and approaching Ty's 2 year this year does not mean my grief is fading away. It is as real today was it was on October 15th, 2010 and September 7th, 2011. The only difference is I have learned how and when to place my grief, but only most of the time, sometimes it still hits out of nowhere. I have learned to wear the infamous fake smile of a grieving mother when really I am crumbling inside. I have learned to fake my life, fake my interests, fake my personality all for the sake of the real world. The real world cannot deal with my grief, non-baby loss mothers cannot imagine my pain, they do not understand. The real world does not understand that there is no time limit with grief because it lasts a lifetime. The real world does not understand that the simplest decisions to some are a nightmare for bereaved parents to make. The real world does not understand how to live on after such tragedy. The real world doesn't understand the pain, the sorrow, the hopelessness of a grieving mother.
Hope continues to be dashed from my life yet I hold on, I cling on for it's all I have some days. I continue to fight for my sanity, for a life to try and piece back together and no matter how many times I m knocked down I have to get back up, because the other option, giving up and slowly fading away, doesn't appeal to me. No matter how tired, how warn out I get, I have to keep going. No matter how many times I feel like giving up, I have to keep going. No matter how many times I think about the world ending and being happy because then I would get to be with the boys (come on December 21st) I have to keep going.
Grieving makes you susceptible to many things, I have found I get a lot more sick because of my weakened immune system. Fighting colds when I am already so sick and tired is a nightmare. Trying to deal with the stressors of life is even worse. When I have put time and effort into reducing some of the stressors and to no avail do I get anywhere I just feel like crawling in bed and giving up yet I can't. Bill companies do no understand the grieving family. No matter how many times you explain why you can't make certain payments because of the tragedy you have ensued, they do not get it, they simply want there money and even when you are trying to work out a payment schedule that better fits the grieving parents situation, they are heartless cold people. I have run into a lot of heartless cold people and if it weren't for the awesome people in our lives we would be far worse off.
It's hard to fight a battle that you see no end too but yet you still have to fight. No matter how tired, how sick, how exhausted you become you have to keep going. Somedays I do give up, somedays I do nothing to get back on our feet and feel horribly guilty about it but sometimes I need a break. I need to recoup and take another look at how to go about it. Praying to the lottery God is not working so I have to figure out a better solution. Perhaps there is a lottery gnome who can bring about some good luck. I know there isn't, I know it all takes hard work which makes what you get in the end all the more worth it but once you get filled in on whats going on you will understand the pain and agony I am going through now because of everything that has happened the last 18 months. It's even more unfair but such is life right? Today is a day of giving up, I've done all that I can and am exhausted so for today I put away the pieces of life and will take them back out tomorrow and try again.