Last night I had a bad dream. I was at the doctors office getting a regular checkup on Matea and they told me she had passed and that I would need to be induced. I was 22 weeks (which I am going on) After being induced and waiting to deliver her I found out that the doctors had lied and she was perfectly fine, they just wanted to get this over with and decided to lie to me and it broke my heart that I could have carried her longer but the doctors lied and it was too late. I remember it was so hard to tell my family where all her things were are our house, all her clothes and teddies that were to be brought to the hospital, no one could find them. Needless to say this week I am going to work on getting her hospital bag ready in case she makes her appearance sooner rather then later, just to be sure. I will also put a few boy things in there just in case....though I am hoping to find out for sure at our 3d/4d if it is indeed a girl.
In other news, I found out this morning, in a not so pleasant way, that Matea does NOT like orange juice...or at least she does not like it first thing in the morning. She was however kicking away all morning, probably is sleepy now from the Gravol as is mommy. (For all our American followers, Gravol is like Dramamine and it is completely safe to take during pregnancy)
Lots of preparation errands to run this week, setting up appointments with counselors and 3d/4d ultrasound, getting my hair cut, taking care of financial arrangements for the time being, gathering things for Matea's hospital bag (including a bag) scheduling belly shots....trip to IKEA. So many things to do and not nearly enough energy to do almost any of it. That is the life of a grieving person.
Speaking of which, a lot of people have asked us how we are able to do this and honestly I don't have an answer. We have faith in God and trust him, we have amazing support from our family and friends, we have each other and a solid relationship, we always look for the positives,we know one way or another that we will have children one day but right now I think mainly for me is the denial factor. I am in denial and I think that is getting me through. Once we deliver her I know it will be different but for now maybe a combination of all of those things makes it possible to get through. I really don't have a solid answer. All I can say is that talking to someone (a counselor) helped us through Ty and we know it will help us with Matea, there is no shame is seeking out help, there is no reason to feel embarrassed, it is hard and it is a huge step but I am glad it is one my husband and I took, without it we may not have made it. When you experience something in life so traumatic and you have no idea how to deal with it you need to figure out what works for you and for my husband and I it was talking to people, anyone who would/will listen to us. We always and will always talk about our children and they will always be a part of our family. Whenever we sign cards to people their names will be included, it is a way to keep their memories alive. We will never stop talking about them. In saying that, please do not shy away from using our children's name or from talking about them. For my husband and I personally this does not upset us, instead it reiterates there shot but sweet lives, it brings back sweet memories, it reminds us of our blessings so I encourage everyone who reads this, when you talk to my husband and I, feel free to bring up our children, we LOVE every opportunity we have to talk about them and our journey with them.