I was up a lot last night because Jacob was not being cooperative with kicking, he is fine now though. I did a lot of thinking and realized people may say I am crazy because I often tell them that even though Stephen and I have been through so much tragedy and triumph in the last year I am still the most happiest I have been. I'm sure some people wonder how that can be but given all the things that have happened the last few days I know we are extremely blessed with amazing family and friends and that no matter what happens with Jacob we have great support. I am happy because we have so much love and care surrounding us. When we have bad days there are always friends and family there to pick us up. How much more blessed could we be? It really makes like so fulfiling and enjoyable when you have so much love, even during the darkest of times. I hatiove never been happier. We've had a lot of visitors the last few days and it has been a tremendous help emotionally. It'a nice distraction as well. I just felt so disconnected from the world being in here with not a lot to do and the visits have really helped. My mom is also up visting so Stephen has been spending the night which I just love waking up with him here. I also got an LOA for today so I can go home and get some kitty snuggles and go out for dinner. One whole week was just to much. But really, I am pretty happy with life as it is. I know Stephen and I will be okay no matter what happens. I know we have a lot of love for eachother and the blessings we do have in life. Knowing and realizing even the smallest of blessings in our lives makes it so enriching. It is really the way to live, with positive outlooks on every situation. How can anyone be anything but happy when they have so much love in their lives? There are dark days but that love flurishes them and gets them through. So yes I can say that I am the happiest in my life as I have ever been and it continues to get better each day we are given life. We have so much to be thankful for and really with God you just can't go wrong. He is always there no matter what, even on your darkest days he is walking beside you holding your hand. He is the one who continues to give us so many blessings in our life.
We are 34 weeks today, 2 more weeks to ago until Jacob makes his arrival. I think the next week will go by fairly quickly but I know the last week is going to see to take an eternity. As each day passes I get more anxious. The thing is my concern about his kidney and lung function is not as strong as my concern about another stillbirth. It terrfies me to the core that it may happen again. We've been told that it should be able to be caught, unless it's a true knot in the cord, they should see a gradual decline with all the monitoring, it still doesn't make me feel any better especially when we were also told we were at a higher risk because of low fluid. But that is why I am here and that is why we are delivering early. Our OB is back next week so we should be able to set a date and make some plans about how this is going to go down with all the circumstances we have. It will probably be one of their most complicated deliveries ever. Not that there has been anything easy about this pregnancy so of course it would go out with a bang and hopefully lots of screaming from Jacob.
We were walking around the halls the other day and saw a newborn little boy. We have seen a few newborns since being here. It is so hard to grasp the concept of a living newborn. I can't picture what it may be like. I can't picture how small he may be or what he may look like. It's a tad scary to think in two weeks Jacob will be here and quite possibly be perfectly okay and come home with us in a few days. I don't and can't seem to picture that. I felt so prepared with Ty but with Jacob I can't seem to grasp that idea. What is it going to be like? Will he really be ours to keep? I feel like I forgot everything baby related and how to care for them. I'm sure it will come back the moment he is born but it is very hard to picture that reality. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit excited at the thought. I think my excitement lies deep in my heart under all the stress and anxiety and the moment he is born (after we know if he will be okay) it is going to come pouring out and I may cry for days at our little miracle. I just can't grasp that concept yet.
I just wanted to say thanks to all of our family and friends who continue to support us and for all the visitors who have stopped by. We love everyone so much and are so thankful for all the wonderful support. We could not make it through without all of you. You are all truly some of lifes greatest blessing.