Tomorrow A. and I are embarking on a rather tough journey. We decided we'd like to attend the Babies, Bumps and Toddlers expo at the Western Fair. I know, I know, you can all pick up your jaws off the floor....Jessica WILLINGLY going to a place filled with babies and pregnant women? What has gotten into her right? A. and I are most certainly crazy, I know for both of us it is hard emotionally to see pregnant women and babies and to surround ourselves with that and a lot of it, yeah we have lost our minds. But, we are mothers and we continue to try to be mothers again. We belong at that expo just as much as anyone else who goes.
I'm sure we will see some AWESOME (said in the most sarcastic tone I can) parenting skills and have to bite our tongues not to go off on them or ignorant pregnant women. Perhaps I should wear my Mommy to Angels t-shirt and walk proudly with my wrists held high....scare them a bit of the reality of every pregnancy. No, I won't do that, at least I won't wear my shirt and I won't wave my hands in the air but my tattoos will be seen, but I can't promise I will hold my tongue if I hear a pregnant women complaining about a petty stupid little thing. However, my goal is not to go and ruin peoples day but rather try to feel the excitement most of them have. I miss that excitement, I miss the preparations for a baby and I know due to statistics, at least one of the pregnant women there and maybe more, will lose their baby but I can guarantee, nothing at that expo will even hint towards perinatal and infant loss. Perhaps there should be a booth about perinatal and infant loss. I know no one wants to talk about it but if you are pregnant you need to be prepared and plan for every situation possible which includes your baby dying. I don't know if it is the right place, I do believe the pre-natal fairs the health units host should have a booth about loss there. Heck, I'd be happy to run the booth, as a twice bereaved parent I can offer some good insight and advice. I can show others that there is another side, that there is always still hope. Perhaps in return, they can remind me of the joy and excitement of expecting.
It'll be very nice to have A. with me. We can laugh and cry and though people make look at us and wonder, we'll be together. We will take this HUGE step head on, side by side. It is something we both want to do and it is the right time in our lives to be doing so. I can't promise it won't be a complete catastrophe and end with be curling up in the fetal position crying my eyes out, but I'll try to save that for at home.
I will admit my heart is already racing thinking about it but my heart is also the one that wants me to be there. We will be there at 9:15am in line because I will be damned if I miss out on the swag bag!!! I am getting a swag bag, even if we have to go camp over night tonight!
I think I may also register for a stock in Kleenex as well, make sure to bring a large supply and blame it on "it's just allergies". What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I am working myself up a lot more then I should be, maybe I will go and have a great time and perhaps even buy something for the next babe, how and whenever that happens. I cant say tomorrows blog will be epic, it may or may not be it depends on what unfolds throughout the day. If anything, I can come home and sleep the day away or I can bake and cry (I have to make stuff for the church picnic on Sunday anyways) and the best food is made with lots of blood sweat and literally...tears! If people ask me my secret ingredient I will respond with "grief" tastes great doesn't it?
Here is to a day of two crazies taking a huge leap in their grief, trying to remain hopeful and trying to fit in where they belong, we are after all, both mothers, we may not have "bumps" at the moment but we do have babies and toddlers.