One of the pregnancy books I read awhile ago has a section called when to try again and the one question they ask for women who have had re-occurring pregnancy losses is "can you do this once more"? It is a question no family should ever have to think about, being able to try once more and risk loosing another child. What kind of question is that? Unfortunately it is a very valid question for us. Can we risk going through another pregnancy only to have to bury a third child? After we lost Ty we talked extensively about trying again and if we could do it. We determined that we had been through it once, we came out in one piece and the risk was worth it. We talked about the possibility of having to bury another child (though we didn't think we would have to go through that again) and we decided we could try once more. But what about this time? Can we do it once more? How many more times can we go through a pregnancy only to end up burying a child? Can we risk having to have another funeral and ordering another headstone? Can we risk being off of work for months again and taking a blow to our income? Can we risk going through 9 more months of pregnancy and coming home empty handed once again? Can we risk setting up all the baby furniture only to have to take it down before it can be used? Can we risk installing the car seat and yet again not being able to use it? Can we risk the possibility of another child with a medical problem? Can we risk having to make the decision to carry to term again knowing our baby won't make it? Can we risk being heartbroken for a third time? Can we risk having 3 pregnancies but no living children to prove that? Can we risk leaving the hospital with nothing but a memory box? See the thing with risk is it can lead to two different outcomes, a good outcome and a bad outcome. No matter what risk you take in life there are pro and con's to both. Stephen and I talked for months about what to do next and one of my previous posts talked about trying again versus adoption, which let us think about some of the pros and cons to both. We know we will have children we just aren't sure which way our next child will come about. That's where this question comes into play. Can we do it once more?
The answer.....we're still undecided. We know if we do try again there may be a lot of risks but the one reward at the end is a living breathing healthy baby to take home at the end and it seems like that may be worth it. It was why we decided to try again after Ty. Knowing what we could get outweighed all the risks it may have involved. But to do it once more? That's tough. The good thing about it is we do have tremendous amounts of support so if we decide to give it one more try, the support is there. Some people may think we're crazy for thinking about trying again but wouldn't you? Knowing what you may get kind of makes it worth it. What we have gone through has been a nightmare but we are thankful for those 18 months we had with both of our boys and would not trade them for the world so can we do it once more? Can we go the 9 months being positive, upbeat, excited and joyful knowing that we may end up with another loss and to be honest, at this point I'd expect nothing but another loss after what we have been through. I think we are leaning towards doing it once more. We either were going to adopt next or try again and at this point it seems trying again once more may be worth it.
Now, the good thing (if you can call it that) is we have to wait a few more months, so we have some more time to think about it. After we lost Ty we were told we could try again at 3 months but because Jacob was born via c-section we have no choice but to wait longer so my body can fully recover from the surgery. I know some women who have gotten pregnant 6 months after a c-section but there is no way I could put my body through that. I want to make sure my body is the healthiest it has ever been. I want to give the baby the best chance possible so, like Jacob, we can know we did everything we possibly could have (though it seems there are always "if only's"). The idea of being pregnant so soon after a c-section scares me, I may have healed perfectly on the outside but there are still my insides and I don't know how those healed. I rather wait the extra year or two and make sure my body is ready to do it once more. Maybe by then our minds and hearts will also be in the right place to try once more. It's such a scary thought, the innocence of pregnancy was gone after Ty and now we have the fear of pregnancy. I am terrified to be pregnant because I know so many things can go wrong that may lead to coming home empty handed again. But, knowing we have a slight possibility of bringing a baby home it makes worth it. I feel the pros of that risk far outweigh the cons. I can only pray God feels the same way and will see to it that we do get to bring a baby home.