We have known for two weeks now that Jacob's name is inscribed on the Bereaved Families stone in the garden but I can not bring myself to go see it. I don't know what I am afraid of, maybe seeing it next to Ty's name, knowing only a year ago it was empty and being held specifically for Jacob, it's just too much. I know I will ball my eyes out and I'm not ready. I remember seeing Ty's name for the first time and how broken my heart was and right now at this very moment, I'm in an okay place. I feel safe and perhaps I am afraid to fall back down. It's something I'm aware of, it's not catching me off guard like their song being played during a summer festival downtown (Jacob's You Are My Sunshine last summer, talk about a breath taking moment, it still gives me chills) but this, his name being there, I am aware of it and I can't bring myself to go see it yet. I know it's there and always will be, it'll be there for when I am ready, it may not be this week, this month, or heck, even this year and maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it then I should but I can not bring myself to simply go see his name. I know it's real, I know it was the end, I see his grave stone everyday, it's not like the first time where seeing his name inscribed meant it was really over, I know that now but I still can not bring myself to go see it.
I think I am saving it for a special day, I don't know what day that is but perhaps I'll get the urge to go on a day I really need it. Perhaps I'll go in a day when he knows I need to see it, see Ty and him next to each other like at the cemetery. I don't know what is keeping me back but there is something and I have learned in this life that I don't need to know the reasons why I just have to trust that they are good reasons. I have to trust myself to know when it is the right time, to know when my heart needs it the most. I'll go on a day I feel hopeless (not sure since there are so many) I just know in my heart I will feel it is the right moment when my boys know I need to be there. They will guide me.