The Sunday after we found out about Matea (May 7th) our Rev. made an announcement at church about our situation. We haven't attended since May 1st. I was hoping my husband would go to one service before me but I think we are both going to go this weekend. I don't know why I am so scared to go, these people care about us and are praying for us. Actually I think I know why I am scared to go. I fear crying in front of people, but I think a lot of people expect me too cry because this is, or will be, our second loss. We will be burying our second child, what mother wouldn't cry about that? Why am I so afraid to cry in front of people? Maybe subconsciously I think it makes me look weak, which honestly at this point I am, but I don't like to portray that image. I have a had time crying in front of people, maybe I fear their reaction as well. If someone starts crying then I'll break down and maybe I'm scared I won't stop. It has happened before where I have broken down and couldn't stop. So many maybes, so many questions about why. I know once we just start going again I will feel better. To know we have the support of our parish and just being at church, get back into that routine, it'll be good for our morale. I also know people are going to offer to help us and this is a sore spot for me.
After we lost Ty I receded, I became a hermit crab. I pushed most people away for a little while. We did most things by ourselves and I really regret that. I know this time it will be different, I will accept help, if you want to cook for us or clean, go ahead. You want to stop by and have a tea or something, sure come on over. I chose not to have that with Ty and I felt very a lone and I did not like that feeling. I did not accept help and I don't know why but we needed it and had a hard time asking for it so I am putting this out there now, after we loose Matea we will need help, don't let us say no, though I intend on accepting help this time. It'll be a lot for us to deal with, we needed help after loosing Ty but pushed people away and I think that actually made people more uncomfortable and we cannot do that this time. We need to be open to accepting help and give up our pride for a little while. I need to understand I can't do everything myself, I can't fix everything. I think I just fear looking so weak and helpless and I don't like that. But in reality there are moments where I am, especially now as we prepare for Matea's birth and loss in addition to still grieving for Ty.
Our Ikea trip was canceled due to enterprise messing up our reservation. We grabbed the passports, got an oil change and risked taking Big Bertha on the highwway to Port Huron for the day. Lunch at Olive Garden was delicious, shopping was bittersweet. I picked up a bunch of stuff for Matea. A blanket for her to use at the hospital and two bunnies, one she can have at the hospital that we will keep and one to bury with her. I also picked up stuff for her scrapbook and shadowbox. We also picked up a roasting pan, a handheld vacuum, cooling rack, pillows and other fun adult things. I think the hardest part was walking through Kohl's seeing all the cute little girl clothes I had planned on buying, now instead of buying cute outfits I am buying things to bury her with, it's just so heartbreaking. Today was a long day and I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I need a day to recover!