This whole church thing has been blown out of proportion. It was simply our parish, whom did NOT break any rules, showing their compassion towards someone we felt would make a great rector for our parish. Obviously some others did not agree. However, the way things were said and dealt with has left me feeling far less than religious. I thought religion was about compassion, about listening to God and doing what he says, about supporting one another and love. I surely do not feel any of that at the moment. In fact, as much as I love our church, I have left many times not feeling loved or cared for. Given, there are a few handful of people who do truly show us that but the majority don't. After we lost Ty I didn't expect for our congregation to support us because his funeral was only the 2nd time we were there. We had went once before and left without anyone saying anything to us, not the impression we want to give and this was a big point in our vestry meeting. After Ty's funeral we felt connected to the church because of Ty, we started going because he was now related to it. The more we went the more we began to know a few people. To this day I still can only name maybe 15 people at our church. See the thing about churches is they all say they are welcoming and kind and friendly but what they fail to realize is that they're really not. I thought once our congregation found out about Jacob we'd have more support, but it wasn't so. It was the same people who have been supporting us all along, no one new. Our church has cliques, just like high school. No clique wants new members either so we are left on the outside. We only know those who have reached out to us and it isn't many. Others we know because we have talked to them, well mostly Stephen but we had to reach out at a time we needed people to reach out to us and it wasn't there.
We have been going to the same church for over a year now and I can't say I recognize most people. Sure I know some names with faces but only because we wear name tags. I make an effort to know who people are, even if it is their names. I think it is important to know who your fellow brothers and sisters of Christ are but I surely do not feel that at our church. The more I get to know about the inner workings of the church the more I realize it's like high school. For someone who has struggled with religion all my life and especially within the last year, everything that has been going on is not helping my view of what church, God and religion are about. I find many times it actually points towards the negative. I know all churches have their problems but for some reason ours are starting to stick our like a thorn in the recent months. At a time when I was looking for help and guidance I felt I was turned away.
I am far less than impressed with not only our church but religion in general. I don't know that the future holds. I can only hope with time it gets better but I know it probably won't. We will continue to butt heads when it comes to making changes because some do not like change, some do no understand that in order to grow and flourish changes need to happen.
There are a few people in our church who do make it worth while. They support us, they love us and they care for us. But in the entire year we have been there, it has been the same people. The ones who make a positive face for our church. We are thankful and blessed to have those people in our lives but had they not been there, I highly doubt we would still be attending, we may have gotten back on the church shopping boat. Though now, having had Ty's funeral, Jacob's funeral and our wedding (like two weddings and a funeral but two funerals and a wedding) it's hard not to feel connected to the building itself. We have spent the last year of our life in that building, a place of many many many tears, some of joy but most of sorrow, a time learning and building who we were, a place we came together as a couple, a place we properly paid respect to both our boys, it has become a part of us but I can't say that it's a totally good part of us because of the issues I feel we have there. I really do pray God intends on changing some things soon, we need it.
And to end of this very emotional blog, let me reiterate, I do LOVE our church and there are truly some WONDERFUL people there. I have a lot of room to grow in my faith and I am thankful I have such a great place to do so. I will continue to support them the best I can and make it my personal mission to fix the above mentioned problems.
On a side note, does anyone else enjoy frozen peas as a snack or am I completely crazy?