10 weeks ago when we learned our Sweet Pea would not survive we accepted it and started planning for it. The news on Tuesday has made every day a struggle. How does one prepare for an unknown situation. It tears at my heart everyday. It is hard to feel excited when there is still only a very small percentage of chance of survival (though depending on fluid it could be a higher percentage). To not know now whether or not our baby will survive and to not be able to know until our baby is born is a much harder struggle then facing the fact our baby would die. I am very thankful we even have that struggle though, to know our baby now has a chance makes everything even more worth it but how do we prepare? We can't really make a birth plan because there are so many variables. All I know is after the baby is born those first few minutes will be filled with as much anxiety as I think I could ever feel. Even if the baby cries does not mean the lungs are fully developed, given it is a good sign and indication but it isn't a guarantee. It won't be until the baby is examined and probably out of the room in the NICU which brings up a whole new set of questions. If the baby is going to live and just need some oxygen then I'm okay with them taking the baby and doing what they need too and getting to the baby as soon as I can (maybe even try no epidural so I can be up and out soon, or maybe they can roll me in a wheelchair shortly afterwords) What I worry about is if the baby is not going to survive, I want the baby to be with us when she/he passes so we'll have to ask about that on Tuesday, about putting the baby on life support until our family can be somewhere quiet with the baby until he/she passes.BUT I'm praying that isn't even an option for us, I pray the babys lungs develop enough to survive. I pray we have to come home and scramble to get all the baby things out. The only thing we are setting up is the car-seat and the bassinet with the monitor (the things that have to do with safety) everything else can wait. I just don't know how to prepare and I struggle daily with feeling hopeful and optimistic but don't want to get my hopes up. Then I start getting worried and I don't like that. But it's hard not to know anymore. It's hard not to know what the survival percentage is. It's hard to deal with the fact that we will not know until the baby is born but the good thing is we have a chance to bring our baby home, maybe a perfectly healthy baby. God will do what are in his plans and it could be to give us a miracle baby with no health problems. Even if the baby has to be in the NICU for a while or if the baby does have health problems we'd be okay, we can handle that. But not knowing is a hard thing to deal with on a daily basis. This next 8 weeks is going to be very rough. It's not like I can go out and distract myself because I need to be at home resting as much as I can. I can try to distract myself at home but even that is hard. So much waiting, so much wondering but it also gives us 2 more months to love on our Sweet Pea and cherish every kick and moment we have with him/her.
I'm nervous about Tuesday, I think because I'm worried they will say theres no fluid again but I know that's not going to be the case. The fluid has been increasing since Tuesday and I don't think it would stop. I still am not sure why they are doing the MRI, you can see the kidney and artery on ultrasound and I think with the amount of fluid you can tell how well it is working so why the MRI? How can they make a pregnant women not drink anything or eat anything for 5 hours? Especially one who drinks a gallon of water a day? I don't know what kind of answers it will give us and it may not even work if the baby is moving around. It's going to be another long day at the hospital. We're getting use to that though. I expect we will hear that the kidney is working and the fluid is returning to normal amount and that our only concern now is the lungs. We know everything else (including the heart) is working well so we just will need to focus on the lungs which we can't do much about. Keep the baby in longer then anticipated and give the steroid shots around 31-32 weeks and then wait. Check to see if the baby is practice breathing and pray God is healing the lungs.
Okay time to go distract myself from the struggles of today, knit some more, listen to some nice relaxing music and try to remain positive, after all it is a miracle already that the kidney is there and working and the fluid is back and we have to keep focusing on all the positives and remain hopeful. Now if it was only as easy as saying that!