Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)? I do have a rainbow baby but he died too....thanks for the reminder. I could have very well not posted this today but I wanted to talk about how they will be remembered. Stephen and I know we will have children one way or another and those children will know about Ty and Jacob. Our future children will always know about their older brothers. Sunday is our family day, church, Remark, then to see the boys. Every Sunday will always be a visit to the boys, no matter how deep the snow or how cold it is, we will always go see them. We will always hang their pictures with pride, we will always talk to them, blow kisses to them, hug their teddy bears....they will always be a part of our family even though they are in Heaven. Our children will always know about their bothers stories and how much they helped other families who have lost babies. We will not hide Ty and Jacob. Our children will talk about their angel brothers with pride.
We went over to one of our extended families house for Thanksgiving (from our stillbirth group but their really like family to us) I know a few posts ago I said I didn't enjoy much in life anymore but I really did enjoy myself today. There is something very peaceful about being around people who get it. It was nice to get out of the house but be somewhere I felt very comfortable. We cooked dinner and chatted all afternoon and had a nice time. I cried a bit at dinner when we said what we were thankful for and we of course talked about the babes in Heaven but that's not even what made me the most sad. I had to try not to cry most of the time because it broke my heart to see Stephen interact with the little girls (4 and 1) He was so good with them, he is and will be a great father and I pray he will get the chance one day, he really deserves it. It just broke my heart he couldn't do that with his little boys. I want nothing more then to give him that chance and I feel like I have failed, as a wife and mother. I really do pray that someday God blesses us with a living, breathing, healthy little one, Stephen really deserves the chance to father. It made us want a baby even more. We just want to fill our empty arms...but we need time to heal before we decide what to do next.
I also pray I can start to work out soon, I'm getting depressed at my body. I know it has only been 5 weeks but I feel like I should have lost more weight. Given I only walk and not a lot but after Ty it came right off. At about 10 weeks I was down 21 lbs and I don't feel I will be with Jacob. I want the fat to go away. I don't have any clothes I can wear and I don't want to buy new ones (I HATE shopping for clothes) I guess I could always go to Goodwill and get some in between clothes but I much rather the weight just come off. Hopefully once I start working out it comes off easier. I don't need the stress of not liking how I look on top of everything else so next week is my start to a new healthy me (including eating) I really hope it goes well and does start to come off soon like it did with Ty. I am not happy with how my body looks right now and even more so, how it feels. I feel gross. Uggh....there's so many sides to grief.
Not much going on this week, if I don't chicken out I get my tattoos for the boys on Thursday (AHHHHH) wish me luck and no pain....I'll post pictures (if I get them) as soon as I can. Other then that, we start counseling on Friday, hoping it helps, I really feel I need it this time, I have so many more emotions and things running through my head. I am really dreading this week, I can't help but think back to a year ago. Thanksgiving weekend was the last time we knew Ty was with us, he was moving less but we were told it as normal. How I wish I could go back one year and make myself go to the hospital. Maybe then he would be here with us. I can't believe it's almost been an entire year since we met and said goodbye. I can't believe it's been 5 weeks today since we met Jacob. My heart is so broken this week, it's so hard. I don't know how to make it through....I guess a lot of chocolate cupcakes, one last big hurrah before my new healthy life starts next week. :'0( Missing my boys so much...