Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father? I already talked about this abut but yes I do feel Stephen grieves differently then me. However, I am aware that he does and I understand and accept it which is probably one thing that keeps our relationship together. I know he has a different connection with the boys then I did. He didn't get to feel their every move, every hiccup every kick. I feel bad that he didn't get to share that as much I was able too. Jacob did move and hiccup a lot more so he was able to feel it through utero, but it's not the same as what I felt. He didn't get the morning sickness, the headaches, the backaches, the feet aches, the swelling....etc. He didn't experience sleepless nights due to not being comfortable. He did get to hear our boys heartbeats a lot and see them during ultrasounds but it is still not the same connection I had with Ty and Jacob so of course he would grieve differently. He may have only cried a few times at the beginning where I cry almost every day. It doesn't mean he isn't as sad or as hurt, he is, he just has different ways of showing it. It seems to work well, I will have really bad days when he is having good days and can hold me up and sometimes when he is having bad days I am having okay moments of the day to try and hold him up. We take care of each other, it's all we have and still very important. I know he is grieving in his own way and I know he has his own ways to deal with it and they are not similar to me but that's okay. He's not me so I wouldn't expect him to feel and think what I do. Him grieving differently has allowed him to be my rock, to help me through my darkest days, how can I not be thankful for that?
I've been feeling very frustrated lately and I think my dream last night explained why. A lot of people have told us that we still have a lot to be thankful for (we are very aware of that) we've been told that the doctors and nurses did everything possible (we'd like to think they did) we've been told to be thankful for the memories we have (we are very thankful) we've been told they boys are together, we've been told God's protecting them, we've been told we can try again (I HATE this one, don't ever say it to a grieving mother or father, it is an insult, it's like you saying forget the child you lost and replace it with another, no child will ever be replaced so please do not say this) we've been told we'll have children (we know we will one way or another) but what the people saying these things do not understand is how it feels to have buried your two little boys. I have every reason and right to feel the way I do. If you have not walked in my shoes don't judge what I feel. I have every right to be angry at the doctors, I have every right to be sad and mad and pissed off. I will never be the same I was a year ago. I will never be the same as I was over a month ago. The thing about grief is it is not only emotional and mental but it also physical. Imagine if you had the worst flu ever, complied with the saddest day every, that has been what I have been feeling the last month, I horribly ache all over, I am exhausted, I am heartbroken, I am frustrated and mad and in order to help me get through the grieving process I need to feel every emotion I can. I don't need people telling me there's nothing to be angry at, yeah there is, Ty and Jacob are not here, their bodies are in the ground and their spirits in Heaven instead of in my arms where they should be. I just wish people would realize grief needs time, grief needs to feel every emotion, it needs to deal with those emotions to get over them. I don't know if I will never be angry at the doctors but after we lost Ty I did eventually come to peace with what happened to him, I had no anger and maybe one day I will get there with Jacob, I just know it will take a hell of a lot longer because this time I do have people to be angry at, at least I feel I do.
I read a quote online and it really appeals to my life and how I feel. "When you are grieving, it is like becoming a turtle. You need time to retreat to your shell. Pulling into its protective cover can give you the time and space to begin to reorient to your life with loss. It may take awhile before you feel like venturing out of your shell. Rest. Give yourself the time. Go slowly. Be a turtle." Some days I feel like I am a snapping turtle (days I am very frustrated and angry) but most days I feel like I am just a regular box turtle and I will come out of my shell when ready (probably not until winter is over and that hasn't even begun yet...blaahhhh! But at least I know after winter is Spring and that brings a whole new sense of cleansing)
We received Jacob's medical records today. We just wanted to know why he passed away. We had some ideas but we wanted to know the main reason and well we got 14. We had no idea he had so many medical things wrong with him all we were told was his lungs and kidneys but the report mentions several other things. I haven't been able to read much of it, it's too hard emotionally, but I do love seeing his name so much, it validates his short but precious life. Maybe one day I will be able to understand it and know what happened but for right now it's too hard to read so Stephen is summarizing it for me. There are some inconsistencies in the report so we need to figure those out and get some explanations as to what happened on the second day because he was okay on the first day....ughhh