Since yesterday was a day dedicated to Ty I wanted to skip the question and make it all about him. After I wrote my blog yesterday Stephen and I went out to see Ty at his grave for his birthday. We brought a pin that said Birthday Boy and put it on his bear. It was too windy to release balloons but I still wanted to get him a balloon so we headed down to Dollarama. While we were down there we popped into Toys R Us and bought him a birthday present. I figured just because he wasn't here doesn't mean he shouldn't get a present so we got him a Fisher Price Noah's Ark toy. I wrapped it and put a bow on it and when we have another child and it's their first birthday it'll be a gift to them from Ty. I really think Ty tried to unwrap his present because it was on it's side with the bow facing up yet somehow the bow fell off and on the floor...it shouldn't have fallen there was no way for it too....sneaky little guy. I told him to wait until after his birthday cheesecake to open it. But now it sits in our living room for tonight, we'll let him check it out then put it away in the closet until our next child's first birthday. After we got his gift we headed back with his balloon and put it on his grave along with a #1 candle. We got some subway, headed home to clean, finished the turkey soup, lite the candle on Ty's cake, blew it out and ate it. I must say I make some pretty good pumpkin cheesecake. I'm bringing a small piece to Ty's grave tomorrow. That was the rest of our day celebrating Ty, we were quite limited with the weather.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today? Well Pregnancy and Infancy loss awareness day is also Ty's birthday so we celebrated Ty. I also did some things around the house for other angel mommies since it is also awareness day. The last two blogs pretty much say what we did the last two days.
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself? I rarely take time for myself, I find taking care of others and doing things around the house makes me feel better. At least I know I am good at that. I do have a few certificates for massages and once I can comfortably lay on my stomach I will do so but other then that, I find more happiness in doing things for others. There is always someone who is worse off then me and I much rather help them. I do scrapbook or take bubble baths, go for walks, exercise so maybe in a sense I take a bit of time to myself but I rather be with family and friends. I don't feel I deserve that much time to myself. I'm really disappointed in my body and feel like I don't deserve to enjoy time by myself. I do nothing to earn time for myself, what have I done that would warrant time to myself? Nothing, I have not accomplished anything in the last two years, or at least I feel that way. I just don't feel like I deserve time to myself, plus if I had it I would probably be bored and do something for someone else.
We went back to church today. It was the first time back to service since I was admitted to the hospital (beginning of August) I didn't plan on going today but I woke up feeling okay so I forced myself too. It was not nearly as bad as I thought. I was just afraid they were going to mention Ty or Jacob and I would loose it. But they didn't and I survived. I think God put it in my heart to go back today and I am glad he did. It was really nice to be back to some normalcy. We spoke to some of the people who have supported us through all of this and caught up. It was nice to see familiar faces and get back into the service routine. We also spoke to the children's ministry leader after and she wants us to lead youth group next year. Stephen and I did want to get involved in the church and we did want to work with the youth so I think it's a great opportunity for us, we'll see what God has planned in that aspect. We sponsored the flowers today in memory of Ty so we brought the flowers to them after the service and said Hi. We also went back to Remark and had our samples, if we can start our regular routine on Sunday then maybe we can make some more routine in our life. It's a start. God will guide our way.
Tomorrow is tattoo number 2 day....yes I am putting myself through the agonizing pain again but it is so worth it. I love to sit and look at Ty's tattoo and just imagine him walking with me, him and his little angel wings. It'll be so nice to have both my boys tattoo's done, it's going to look so nice and they are so meaningful. I really can not thank Jen B. enough for doing them for me. I never thought I would actually go through with getting a tattoo but when it comes to doing things for my boys I have an immense amount of motivation. Then on Tuesday it is 6 week checkup which I am dreading and also looking forward too. I want to make sure I healed so I can start really exercising, these daily walks are not getting the belly to shrink. Plus, it'll be nice for Stephen and I to do something outside of the house for our health. I only have a few questions for the OB, not much he can do, all he can tell us is my placenta results. So we'll see what he says. We go first thing in the morning, hopefully they get us RIGHT in so we can avoid the waiting room of pregnant women. I do not want to deal with that and I'm pretty sure his nurse knows Jacob passed away so no awkward "how's the baby doing?" But we shall see....Hopefully this week will be a turn around and a start to getting healthy (and a trip to IKEA to end it all perhaps)