Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace? The only thing or place that I feel some peace is at the cemetery. There is something very peaceful about being there. It's in the middle of London but there is so much nature, deer, foxes, groundhogs, squirrels, hawks, bluejays...we can just walk around and forget the outside world. I could also sit for hours with the boys, just close my eyes, feel the breeze and breathe. It is the only place my heart lightens a little. Nothiing else makes me feel at peace yet, just being with my boys at their resting places.
We went for my 6 week checkup today, it was no where as bad as going after Ty. They scheduled me for a time when no one else would be there yet and they brought us right into the room. Our doctor saw us right away and we discussed my recovery, it went/is going very well, chatted about some questions we had and then we were out. He seemed pretty sure that the likely hood of something happening again (with the kidneys) was very low seeing as Ty had no problems, none run in our family and nothing came up in the tests we did do. It was nice to hear him explain it all because the geneticist didn't really say much in that regards, or at least she didn't explain it like that. He told us if we decide to get pregnant again that he would want to see us right away and there would be extensive monitoring through out the entire pregnancy right from the get go and also that we would not go beyond 37 weeks, with at least (if not more) a two week hospital stay from 35-37 weeks (of course unless something else happens) so that was all very reassuring. We still have to talk about everything but he said if we wanted to do a natural delivery he recommends waiting 15 months to begin trying, if we want another c-section then 9 months. We did discuss that maybe next summer we would go in to talk to him again, go over everything once more, have me checked out and then possibly decide at that point but there is still a lot to think about and no decisions will be made for a while, we just decided not to close the book on the trying again option, which he also recommended not taking care of anything permanently right now since our minds and hearts aren't in the right spot. I know if we do try again we will be going to him again. He was very understanding and accepting of our decision to carry Jacob even knowing the outcome and we respect him in that regard. He did most of the tests we asked for and admitted us based on the fact that mentally we could just not be at home anymore. He is a good doctor. I didn't like him at first but he grew on me as my pregnancy progressed.
I had a total meltdown yesterday evening, Stephen was out for the night but it was not the first time I was alone so I thought I'd be okay. My meltdown began when I went to the bathroom, I discovered our cat Charlie had peed on the floor, I went to clean it and swept some litter onto the carpet so I decided to vacuum. I went around the house and picked up all the things on the floor, went into our bredoom and discovered Milo had peed on the bed, had to find laundry soap and fill the bathtub, throw out the pillow and put the sheets and comforter into the tub. Let them sosk, went to get the vacuum, its broken....all of this just threw me off and I had a total meltdown I cried for a good hour, gave myself a headache and was gagging but it feels much better to have gotten it out. What started my anger was I was standing doing the dishes and asking God why good things never happen to me. I do see good things in life but good things never happen to me and I dont get it so I was already upset from that and then to go and find everything else....not good. Next time Stephen goes out I am sitting my butt on the couch like usual so it can't take a turn for the worse. It was just one thing after the other.
And here is another blonde moment.....the vacuum wasn't broken, the bumper on the front had just fallen off and was getting caught in the vacuum, Stephen put it back on and I vacuumed away. I don't know if I ever mentioned the keyboard incident either. In our living room we have my laptop and Stephen's computer is hooked up to our TV and we use it as an entertainment system. So the other week I was sitting with my laptop and Stephen asked me to pick a movie on netflix. His mouse was on my tv dinner tray so I was clicking around looking at the movie selections, I thought of one I wanted to look up so I started typing the name in the search box, however it wasn't coming up. I tried typing again and it was still not coming up....reason being, I was typing on my laptop but I needed to be typing on Stephen's computer.....ohhh goodness, at least I make Stephen laugh with my crazy antics.