Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)? I think with both boys there are a few cherished memories through out the pregnancy, I find it funny now, at the time I didn't but, both boys had a reaction to food they did not like and thanks to Ty I no longer eat sweet potatoes and thanks to Jacob I no longer eat hummus. Specifically it is kind of hard to answer about Ty as the only memories I have of him are while he was in my tummy....actually I do have one that I love. I had started to feel Ty kick around week 16 but Stephen wasn't able to feel it yet. We waited 3 weeks of him putting his hand on my belly to feel Ty but the day Ty decided it was time for daddy to feel him kick was on Father's day. Father's day was the first day Stephen felt Ty kick and I love that....I think it was a very special gift with him. As for Jacob, the 2 1/2 days we had with her were my happiest memories. I wasn't there when it happened, but I have video of him holding Stephen's hand and putting his left arm up by his ear (where it was almost the entire pregnancy) I love that video. I think my favourite memory actually being there was after he had passed and we bathed him and everyone had visited it was just Stephen, me, Ty and Jacob for the night, in the NICU and I held Jacob in my arms the entire night. When I woke up in the morning I woke up to his beautiful little face so soundly "asleep" he still looked so perfect. I'll never forget that morning, the morning I also had to put him in the funeral home box and say goodbye.
Someone asked me the other day how I can be so strong and make it through not one but two losses. A few people have actually asked me that question and my answer remains the same every time. What other choice do I have? I can either get up everyday and try to find the blessings in life or I can stay in bed and be miserable. I do not know how much time I have left on earth and I would hate to think that I have another 70 years and would spend it being miserable. I do NOT want to wake up and live 70 more years with no joy in life, just misery. What kind of life is that? Yes, grieving the loss of my two sons is miserable, it is hard, it is a nightmare but if I lived my life with only those emotions life would suck. I don't see life as sucking, I see the passing of Ty and Jacob as sucking but that is not my whole life. My boys are my whole life but they also brought me joy. It is hard to see the joy most days right now but I know it's there. It'll just take some time and looking to find it but it will be there, it keeps me going, it gets me through everyday. I don't want to live my life with regrets, I need to accept the things that I have no control over and cannot change and instead, enjoy the things I can. I refuse to let grief get the best of me, I refuse to give into it's temptations. My heart is broken and it will probably never fully heal but I'm not going to live in misery.
Day two of the gym did not go as well as day one. We didn't work out as long but I do feel I worked out harder. I ate too close to working out which upset my stomach so it limited the intensity. My legs and arms were sore from yesterday so not a lot of working out today. I did feel better now that I have clothes that fit, I don't look like a sumo wrestler in a bikini (it was BAD yesterday, that's why I got new work out clothes, talk about depressing) The downside to today, no more going in around noon because it is packed and then when I am getting changed in the changing room I have to listen to women complain about their babies and do everything I possibly can to contain going off on them. Do women really not get how lucky they are to have children? They are a friggin blessing be thankful and stop complaining. Sometimes I wish other women would loose their babies so they could understand but at the same time I do not wish that upon anyone. Back tomorrow for day 3. My plan is to go every day for 28 days and do as much as I can. Lets see how it goes....