Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently? Where do I begin? This brings up so many regrets. I don't have just one I have a bunch of things I would have done differently for both Ty and Jacob. I'll start with Ty. The one biggest regret I have is not going to the hospital on Thanksgiving weekend, had I gone Ty may very well still be here. I should have listened to my instinct over what people and my doctor were telling me, the baby always moves less at the end. THIS IS NOT TRUE. The baby may not roll or kick as hard but you should still feel the baby moving as much as it always has. Had I just gone to the hospital and had him checked out it may have made a difference, it may not have but we will never know. Because we were in such shock with Ty there were so many things we didn't even think of to do nor was anyone there suggesting things we may want to do. I wish we had more pictures, lots of pictures, we only have one. I wish we had spent more time with him, bathing him, dressing him, holding him until the funeral home came by to get him. I wish we had hand prints, locks of hair, lip prints, foot moulds...the list goes on and on. Everything we did with Jacob I wish we had done with Ty so we had some more memories of him. With Jacob there aren't nearly as many regrets because we prepared as best we could (thanks to my knowledge and resources because the hospital wasn't that great in helping us prepare, genetics did help with a birth plan but that was it, they really need someone there who knows their baby loss resources because it is such a need at that hospital) I do however, really wish we pushed even harder to have at least one amnioinfusion done, especially once we knew he had kidneys. I also wish we pushed more to have the steroid shot. I don't know if these would have made a difference because of how under-developed his lungs were but they were worth a try. The amnio would have brought risks and we may not have had as much time with him if we ended up having to deliver when they did it but it would have been worth a try. The other thing with Jacob, I wish the doctors were more honest with us about the fact he wouldn't make it. We know they knew and suspected he would not survive but all they kept telling us was that he was a really sick baby, they never once said we don't think he will make it. Had they said that we would have never left his side and thankfully for most of the day he had family with him, but still, I would have liked to have known so I could have been there more for him. Of course with my section recovery and having to be checked out and breast pumping and having to eat there would have been times I needed to leave so I mean mostly I would have been there more at night. Other then wishing we had more pictures of him while he was looking like a healthy baby or being able to hold and snuggle him while he was alive we did everything we wanted to so there's not too much I would have done differently with him. I am glad I had that experience though because I will be speaking to the nurses ans social workers in the labor department on what improvements need to be done and knowing what I went through will help them form a better program for future families is a positive thing. I like knowing that Ty will help other baby loss families do what they should do, be offered those resources and so on.
We went out to Hamilton today as Stephen's step grandfather was getting an award from the Bishop. I was really scared to leave, I hate leaving London and being away from my boys. I know they are with us where ever we go but it's not the same. I also was nervous about facing family....it's not an easy thing to do and I was really hoping we wouldn't talk a lot about the boys. I don't feel strong today. I honestly tried to give it a shot but my heart was not there. I hope I didn't look too much like a party pooper but I hope everyone understood. It was horrible, I really did not like being away from the boys. Being at his grandmas house was okay but once we left and headed to the church I became miserable and pissed off. I just did not want to go but I knew it was important to Stephen so I sucked it up. We got there a bit late so there were no seats and the church was like a sauna. I was thirsty and hungry and sore so after the recipients got their awards we left. I was so thankful Stephen wanted to leave early, I was not in the mood to stay any longer. What I learned today....I am not ready to be away from London. The good thing was we had a lot of time to talk about things and there was ALOT to talk about! The other thing that made me really mad today was it was such a beautiful day and all I wanted to do was get out and hike but we had to spend possibly one of the last nice days in the car. Hoping we get a few more like today.....we were only able to get a short walk in when we got back.
I know Jacob is a common name but Tiberius is most certainly not. I was prepared to hear Jacob's name a lot in public because it is very common but not Ty's. Well today during the church service (which I heard hardly any of) there came a point where the guy speaking said "King Tiberius", it really caught me off guard so much so I had to go sit in the bathroom for a few minutes and try to control the tears. I was never expecting to hear his name out in public but it was surely a sign from him today. It was a shock...but a very nice one. Thanks Ty Ty.